December Gold

Very well researched and presented piece of quality writing, fascinating in its specific details and engaging in its delivery. December Gold has the feel of a classic war story, epic in proportion and graphic in description. 5 stars and WL'ed. Bookshelf candidate when space is available.

Clive Radford
Doghouse Blues

Ronald,
I read the first chapter of your book and found it very detailed about war. I found the experiences were beyond what I knew about war. The picture of war you presented was done with out emotion which surprised me. I imagin experiences like those are very hard to get over.
MaryBe

Captivating and fast paced. I do the same thing with surrounding real people with fictional circumstances which makes the story seem realistic. It's not easy to do but you did it well. The narrative is good and the dialogue is perfect. Five stars,

I've read authonomy chapter 1 and want to read more. It is an engaging story and the opening makes me want to know how it turns out and what the mystery was.

After the first chapter I’m interested in reading more. Enrique’s story is especially fascinating. A miracle seems to have saved his life. You lend the reader a feeling that Enrique may have been saved for some unique purpose.

MiriamNConde
The Immortality Experiment

Your book has originality and intrigue; your eloquent prose weaves a tale that has depth and sensitivity that grips the imagination. Masterly piece of writing.
Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard The Cross of Goa

Hi Ronald,
Your ‘December Gold’ has truly created a land mark in the writing of an epic story of love inside a war. What I like most is the presentation of the message of humanity and peace, love and forgiveness even in the midst of deadly war and brutality. It’s something like War and Peace. Your soldiers in the battle field are not only the soldiers of your country but they are also the soldiers of God displaying their true and renewed faith in Him. The happy ending of your story is another facet of glory. Yours is a pure literature. The art of writing , the use of words, phrases, similes and imageries are superb. I like yours, “The sun cascaded over the snow covered landscape ; each of the fallen flakes creating their individual magic as they danced……..”
“The early snow blanketing the road way” ……..
The only thing I don’t like about the book is its length , however, it’s moderate for an epic. I feel, whoever will read it will surely enjoy the story full to the brim. Good luck,
Surya,
The Names of the Believers

Hi Ronald,
Your ‘December Gold’ has truly created a land mark in the writing of an epic story of love inside a war. What I like most is the presentation of the message of humanity and peace, love and forgiveness even in the midst of deadly war and brutality. It’s something like War and Peace. Your soldiers in the battle field are not only the soldiers of your country but they are also the soldiers of God displaying their true and renewed faith in Him. The happy ending of your story is another facet of glory. Yours is a pure literature. The art of writing , the use of words, phrases, similes and imageries are superb. I like yours, “The sun cascaded over the snow covered landscape ; each of the fallen flakes creating their individual magic as they danced……..”
“The early snow blanketing the road way” ……..
The only thing I don’t like about the book is its length , however, it’s moderate for an epic. I feel, whoever will read it will surely enjoy the story full to the brim. Good luck,
Surya,
The Names of the Believers

Ron, Good afternoon. Your writing is incredible. Well placed desciptives. The picture you painted on the beach when rollie's father found Ayala was awesome. I was put right there on the bach with them, thanks to you. I am continuing to read, but had to share my thoughts before I move on. Cheers, kerry.

We are introduced to this wonderful story by being at a ceremony of respect for the good and the brave who fought for our freedom in world war two. Rollie and his wife are at the ceremony as Rollie's father bravely fought in the war.
We are brought back to the war that Jacob fought in and we learn that jacob rescued a little baby, Alaya, as her father lay dying. Her father's name was Enrique. We are then told the story of Enrique and the author expertly leads us on in the telling of his story.

The end of chapter one is uplifting.

In chapter one you use "task at hand" in fairly rapid succession. From my time on this site I have learned not to use the same type of phrase twice.

I think you need to insert the word on in the following sentence.........It was on this frantic trip back from manila to Mindanao that the japanese captured the boat he was a passanger "ON"

Looking forward to reading on. This is great.

Highly starred.
Alice.

Ron, I have been waiting to read the rest of this for some time now and have only just got back to it. Its a cracking story for which it is clear you are passionate about. It is so crisp and flows so well. You certainly have talent here without doubt. There have been numerous comments below so it just leave me to say, good luck with it and so well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R)

Dear Ron,

O this really pulls at my heartstrings! I loved the way you seemed to tell two stories in one in the opening chapters. The soldier's rescue of baby Alaya hooked me immediately, and then you beautifully filled in all the pieces as Enrique's story unfolded. You painted a vivid, realistic picture of war with all its heartbreak, tragedy, and raw emotion. Yet there was a underlying sense of hope. I loved the prayer the German missionary shared with Enrique: "In the midst of the battle there will be the Lord. When we can go no further, it is there God will take us." Beautiful and powerful and so, so true. This is a real gem, Ron. I am starring this very highly and holding on my WL for future reading. A deeply moving read.

All the very best,
Faith Rose
Now To Him

Hi Ron,
I just finished reading the first two chapters of your book and I think your MC Enrique is a well-rounded, fleshed persona with a story to tell. Your third-person voice is very clear and easy to follow. I also liked the pace and the overall structure, including the prologue.

The main concept behind your novel is strong and injects hope to the reader immediately.
I look forward to reading more and see where the story is going from here.
High stars and best wishes,
Lucette- Ten Deep Footprints

Ron,
I read this story before a while back, and am recalling the beauty of all of it. I loved how you set up the first scenes, with the baby, Alaya being saved by the soldier, then going into the tale of Enrique and his marriage to Kayusha and bringing it all back to Alaya again. Then, revealing the background of the soldier, Jacob and leading him up to the point where he saves Alaya. And then you take us to Rollie, Jacob’s son, who has told the story of his father and the rescue of the baby. Lastly, Rollie is set upon an adventure of finding out about Alaya and the missing gold, ending up in a coma as a result. The ending is very good with his father’s dreams being fulfilled.

I can’t say anything that I would work on in this story. It is written so well. I love the themes running through it, God’s help in times of trouble, family and the importance of it, love for our country, self-preservation, war heroes and war causes. There is much to like about this story, and I enjoyed going back to take a second look at it.

Kara
A Gate Called Beautiful

Hi Ron, I am so impressed first of all with your knowledge and research of your subject matter. Your Christian touch adds a lot of depth and feeling to this captivating story. Your hard work is really paying off here! I love the way you get into the action quickly. That hooked me. Your descriptions are vivid but not too wordy. This keeps the flow very appealing. There is so much going on in these first few chapters, but you do a masterful job of keeping it clean, clear and easy to follow. I'm truly surprised how much I'm enjoying this selection. The characters and the story are totally engaging and I will be back for more. This book is historical, adventurous, extremely well written and purposeful. A wonderful recipe for success.
I have starred this very high! Wow! Well done.
God Bless.
Chris/ A SPICY HURRICANE

I returned to read your book again today, and must say you have done a great job. It has an easy reading flow, with a sense of anticipation of the story about to unfold. I wish you every success for publishing.

I don't usually read war stories much, but I did sit down to read this one and am really impressed with your work and see this as one that would appeal to a wide audience, with its descriptive imagery, historical accuracy and vivid accounts of the pain of the war. The settings are very well described, and it's such a moving tale. I'll be giving it lots of stars! Kara

Ronald,

Thank you for sharing your work! The writing style is clean and easy to read, and the storyline is engaging. This is an interesting premise that deserves to be developed through the length of a novel, and not anything shorter. Enrique is an engaging protagonist, and his dilemma is enough to carry the reader through the first stages of the novel. I encourage you to show rather than tell--to describe Enrique's emotions and reactions through action and reaction, rather than laying it out through the voice of the narrator. I think the story would be better if the narrator's voice disappeared and the story itself is told through the actions/reactions of the characters. Of course, it is necessary to "tell" what a writer is thinking at times; but, maybe only at select times, rather than saturate the whole scene with narrative second-hand description. I think the premise of this story is quite good enough to be packaged and placed in a bookstore, and to get there I encourage you to keep developing the action. There are paragraphs that are excellently done, so keep improving on those.

Also, I appreciate immensely the scripture references that Enrique and others cite. These help ground the story in a deeper truth; namely, the Bible and the Writer of the Bible, Jesus Christ. Great work!

Keep up the good work!

Sam Cronin

Hello Ronald:

I read the first two chapters of December Gold. What a riveting story! There are so many dynamics which bring this novel to life on so many levels. While there are so many elements-war, romance, gold treasure, divine favor, all of these elements are woven together in such as way as to create a fine tapestry to appeal to a wide spectrum of readers. It is clear that, beyond someone who is simply dabbling in writing, you truly have a gift as a storyteller.

The book is well-edited, though occasionally I spotted a few minor typos, which is common regardless of how many times one has gone through the editing process. In Chapter One, in context, "reigning in..." should use the homonym "reining in..."

Also in chapter one, "that the Japanese captured the boat he was a passenger", I would add "on which" before "he was..."

This is an epic novel of which you can be very proud. I see that it has been uploaded since 2010 so you have been very patient to see this rise in ranking to where it is. I am confident, however, that your patience will be greatly rewarded. This book is truly a treasure

Blessings to you, to your family and to your ministry.

James

Hi Ron. An interesting story. Your style is very personal, as though you are sitting telling it to a bunch of avid listeners. It's easy to read, in that it flows well, and the events you relate are recognisable, human ones.

I noticed something in chapter three - the first paragraph is only about seven lines, but you have at least 5 instances or variations of the word 'drink' - drunk, drank, drinking etc. and it began to jar a little, so maybe substitute for one or two? The end of this chapter - just when things seem to be changing and going well - the fact that some evil was about to be unleashed, is a bit 'Oh no!' moment, and a page turner.

Like everyone, it would be even better for a final edit, or even that old trick of making yourself lose at least a hundred words from each chapter - great for weeding out weak, repeated, or wasted words, leaving it all tighter and leaner. Enjoyed the read - have some stars.
Cariad.

Ron, just read chapter 2, and it's at times like these, I wish I were a faster reader! There is an epic quality to your work, encompassing a range of human experience from war, death and cruelty, to love, beauty and hope. Along the way, you give us visceral, exciting and moving insights into the horrors of being stuck in the middle of a war zone. This is a work of great dedication and I look forward to continuing the journey.
As my strengths as a reader lie in the editing area, I hope you won't mind if I mention a few minor things that slow the action down occasionally. In para 3, in the phrase beginning 'Enrique had crafted an intricate locket...', the word 'image' appears 4 times in 2 sentences. How about simplifying it to something like: 'Enrique had crafted an intricate locket which also incorporated a one of a kind specialty coin, featuring Kyusha's image and her name underneath. After fashioning the coin, he destroyed the imprint of her name on the coin, but left her engraved image..etc'.
In para 6, the word 'being' occurs several times. How about: 'Rumors were rampant that the smelted gold was being hidden in the cave caches prepared for it, and sealed off'.
Also I noticed one spelling mistake: 'a crane like devise'. Should be 'device'.
And in chapter 1, it crossed my mind that you might want to consider using the authentic Filipino expressions 'mamang' and 'papang' rather than 'mom' and 'dad'.
Hope you take these comments in the spirit in which they were intended. And please let me know if you find any of them helpful.
David

Dear Ron: I was in Cotabato in the Philippines for the Peace Corps and spoke Tagalog fairly fluently and I really enjoyed a re-visit through your story! Aside from that, your work is a gripping, historical drama! It is also a warm, personal, inspiring human story with mystery (Rollie, the key, and Papa Jacob and his adopted daughter, Ayala. Jacob's father, the drunk), pathos ( Rollie having to confess his almost-affair with April) and family trauma.

The scenes involving Jacob and the war, the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the death of Enrique and his family make this a tense, captivating war epic.

Thank you for your Christian witness which runs throughout your book. It is interwoven in the story marvelously - naturally and nonpretentiously. This is an epic with substance, inspiration, conflict, drama, and beautiful word pictures. The work you've put into it must be immense - and your effort shows. I hope this book makes it to the publisher in record time so that it can soon be found on the bookshelves of many American homes. Many stars and prayers for your success. :-) Pat

Hi Ron,
I read Chapter 10, it was gripping, you have a great way of conveying the story as if you were a thrid person watching from the side, I was facinated. I like the way I was compelled to start guessing what the key was for myself. I love using unusual words and I love the word procrastinating !
Good luck with this book, and Best Wishes.
Lenny Banks

Hello Ron
I have read up to ch. 17 and am delighted to have found this historical piece of work. This is Memorial Week so it was a welcome read, how detailed and specific you were with the characters, the countries at war, the political happenings and of course, the emotions of those held captive and for those struggling in the country...

The incidents and characters were kept clean and you just focused on the story at hand, which I liked, the back and forth story lines were well setup so the reader didn't totally drift into another era... For someone who has never sat through a history lesson, this could certainly be a stand-in, with personal and emotional value.

All families go through times of revelations, secrets and issues and your book covers these subjects in an authentic and realistic way.

I am not an expert but I believe the demographic for this book is not just for the mature or middle-aged, many young readers would be attracted to its historical value also.

I will probably see this on a Barnes & Noble bookshelf one day, and I would pick it up without hesitation.

Good luck with the rest of its journey

Thanks for introducing to this wonderful piece of work.
Max stars
FC

Ronald, I've just finished Chapter 1, and wish I had time to read more today. This is quite a story, both touching and informative. I also have to mention that I spent a year in South Cotabato in 1970 as a Rotary Exchange student. In fact, the last chapters of my book are set there. It was one of the happiest years of my life, and allows me to conclude my book on a hopeful note. So there is particular resonance for me in your story, and I will be back for more as soon as I can. For now, five stars.
David
MASTER ACT: a memoir

Sorry it's taken me so long to take a look. I'm pretty backed up on read requests.
You've done a good job with story telling, and documenting an important slice of history. You're at your best with the anecdotes that you share.
You might want to reconsider the phrase "embraced her lips" in the last paragraph of chapter 1 -- that doesn't sound right to me, unless he's hugging her lips with his arms.
Best of luck with this!
Tod Schneider
I'm in a VERY different genre, but of course take a look if you'd like:
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

A very well written story with good hooks to keep the reader interested. I liked the going back and forth between the story lines and the characters are well built. The history is not so far back that it isn't remember and it brings to light how one life and lifetime bleeds and feeds into another.

December Gold is close to my heart. A load of aspects are identical to personal experience.

Beautifully written. Not my kind of book, Ronald, but I know it would appeal to many who have served in the forces, and their families. I've rated it five stars.

Great start, good flow, good pace and writing style. It made me emotional about Alaya and her parents, but it portrayed a selflessness of our soldiers. I will return very soon for more.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

This is a well written book.
I would have liked to read chapter 1, but it didn't come up.
Anyways, I like your story a lot. It has an originality to it. I haven't read any book like this one. I like they way you develop it and leave a tension always in the air.
The names are really great. I enjoy new names.
Good work.
Best wishes with it.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I really enjoyed reading this - I like the use of cliff-hangers/small mysteries at the end of the chapters that made me want to keep reading on (e.g wondering what was in the pouch at the end of chapter one - I was intrigued by that).
The MS is well-written but I noticed a touch of repitition here and there and maybe a few overlong sentences. Apart from that, the story flowed beautifully. Great job!
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

This is a most enjoyable book and I was hooked to the story from the beginning. I read seven chapters and had to stop myself. What a page turner!
The story flows so well, and although you revert back in time, and then back again, you do it well.
A great story with a strong backbone.
Highly starred
Junetee(Four Corners)

A fine, stirring piece of work, Ronald, told rather than written, like a fireside story, so that we miss all the marks of a novel, such as clear, controlled punctuation, well-indicated changes of mood, subtly introduced history of this war, planned preparation for climaxes, and general management of the whole.The highly dramatic plunge into the midst of the conflict might have benefited from reference back to Pearl Harbour, and the Burmese and Malayan invasions by Japan, etc.

Your statement "that carried our troops to victory in 1945". In Luzon, yes, but what about the fatal campaigns in Iwo Jima, Okinawa, and finally the atomic bomb?
With more accuracy, as so fully detailed by other authonomists, your book would have significant promise.
I'm putting it on my W/L in the expectation of that.
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

A fine, stirring piece of work, Ronald, told rather than written, like a fireside story, so that we miss all the marks of a novel, such as clear, controlled punctuation, well-indicated changes of mood, subtly introduced history of this war, planned preparation for climaxes, and general management of the whole.The highly dramatic plunge into the midst of the conflict might have benefited from reference back to Pearl Harbour, and the Burmese and Malayan invasions by Japan, etc.

Your statement "that carried our troops to victory in 1945". In Luzon, yes, but what about the fatal campaigns in Iwo Jima, Okinawa, and finally the atomic bomb?
With more accuracy, as so fully detailed by other authonomists, your book would have significant promise.
I'm putting it on my W/L in the expectation of that.
David Grant,
"Pompey Chimes"

The characters and settings that you displayed were authentic and real. It almost felt as if I were part of the world that you bring to the reader .. I was comfortable with the style of writing, and found it very hard to stop reading. Excellent read. Backed with pleasure!!!

Hi Ronald,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth (and feel free to ignore whatever you disagree with).
Prologue
Brilliant imagery and smooth sentence structures. However, a lack of commas in key places make some parts a more tedious read than they need to be. For instance, “The dignitaries lined up in their traditional place for ceremonies such as this seemed excited about the events unfolding,” ought to have a comma after “dignitaries” and “this.” Otherwise, it sounds like they’re in the act of lining up, instead of you describing them already lined up. Just something to think about. There are other examples like this. I know some don’t think this is a big deal, and it really isn’t a huge deal, but strategic and proper uses of punctuation help an author control how the reader interprets what he or she is reading.
“older, white-haired gentleman” you can drop older, as white-haired implies older.
Strong dialogue.
The pros: Strong language paints a vivid picture. Wonderful flow and a knack for storytelling. Strong dialogue makes for great characterization.
The cons: Wordiness at times (some things could be condensed, consolidated or whittled down). Punctuation—I’m not a complete grammar hawk, but when a lack of or misused punctuation disrupts or hides the wonderful writing that’s there, it’s something worth noting.
Ultimately, I don’t think this reads like a final, polished draft. However, I love your writing style and your method of storytelling. This is strong stuff. Highly starred and I’ll gladly give it a spot on my shelf when space becomes available.
Best of luck. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on mine when you get the chance. It’s a completely different style and genre, but it’s always great to get feedback from a gifted writer.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Hi, Ron–this is an unforgivably late return review from AudreyB. I recently audited my comments and discovered I owed TWENTY TWO reciprocal reviews. I am filled with shame. On the other hand, my English teacher alter-ego, The Grammar Hag, never feels shame. If I say anything you don’t like, it was probably her idea. (I’m down to just a handful now.)

You and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum, comma-wise. I am mentally adding them in, as surely as you subtracted them when reading my manuscript. But your meaning is coming across just fine. It’s a stylistic matter.

What we have in common is that our dads fought in the War. My dad served in the Royal Navy as a Naval Commando—a very small bunch, from what I can tell. He arrived at Normandy the day after the big day. And my mom is German. So I have an affinity for any and all stories about the war, but a bit of a blind side when it comes to the Pacific Theater.

The opening scene or prologue , I think, tells us too much about your MC’s (or your) personal beliefs. I think it would be stronger were you to show us the sights he sees and then let him drift into the personal remembrance of the key events of the story. After you’re published, you’ll have many opportunities to share your essay about the Memorial.

“The beach was lined with palm trees as he came within site of the landing.” Should be sight.

This opening paragraph, in which a young soldier dies rather abruptly, doesn’t have the power and strength it should. One way to improve it is to kill all the verbs of being. Another is to show us what Jacob is seeing as he sees it: Jacob admired the palm trees as the island came into view. For a moment, the pretty island seemed like a vacation spot, and he gave an excited wave to his friend Billy from training camp. Then a mortar ripped into Billy’s LCM, and his friend disappeared from view. To Jacob it looked like….”

I thought I had read every type of scenario possible for the various beach landings, but this is a new one for me. Tank crushes man, asks GI to save baby.

I’ve noticed a number of commenters gave you feedback about wordiness. Here’s an example: “Enrique became obsessive about leading his family…” You can say instead, “Enrique obsessed about leading his family…” “A plan of how to find his gold became a priority.” You can say, “He wrote down how to go about it.”

Enrique’s story is another very powerful story rendered in less than powerful language. Part of the issue is the pacing. We learn about Enrique’s fate n Ch1, and then get a lot of backstory in Ch2. I think Enrique’s backstory would make an excellent beginning. Then give us the American side for a bit, then back to Enrique. You could create amazing suspense, get the reader to cry when the wife dies. Contrast the death of Enrique’s wife with the death of Billy so the reader has to think of those who love Billy.

I hope there is a continuing market for stories such as these. I can’t get enough of them.

Wishing you all the best with your ms, and I apologize again for taking so long to return your read.
~AudreyB
Forgiveness Fits

I really like this story. It is told with great passion and detail. I like your characters. You made me care. You are definitely a talented writer. You've written an interesting and easy to read piece of literature. Great job. Lacy

Dear Ronald,

You need to shorten a few sentences and avoid repetition. That will take the wordiness away from your narrative and make for easier reading. That’s by far my only criticism. There are a few other small glitches. But they are mostly editing issues, nothing that a careful read-aloud can’t correct.

Now, with that out of the way, here’s what I think of the story. The prologue was beautifully descriptive. Different people reacting differently in the same situation, yet believing in the same spirit and dream. Jacob advising his children against glorifying war carried such an important message. Great opening.

I really liked the way the scene shifted to January 1945. Very visual; for better effect, you can put in a separate chapter. Mentioning the full form of LCM (Landing Craft, Mechanised) once will also be helpful for some readers. The intense narrative made the action, come alive. The plot elements came in hard and fast, and made for a thoroughly captivating read.

I had to stop for paucity of time, but will certainly read the rest of this remarkable story later. The narrative reads like a movie screenplay, replete with quickly shifting POVs. Some of it may need to be sorted out, but like I said before, no big deal. You'll be hearing more from me. Meanwhile, 5 bright stars to 'December Gold'.

Best regards,
AGC

Ronald,

I have read the first three chapters of December Gold. This has the makings of an engrossing historical adventure story wrapped around a family drama. Hidden gold, family secrets, war stories -- lots of potential there!

I have some suggestions regarding organization that might make it hang together better. The 21st century prologue works as an introduction -- it's the end of the story, and the characters have learned things that the reader is about to find out. It would be helpful to know a little about who Rollie is and why he's there earlier than we do. I didn't have a sense of what kind of person he was or how old he was or what his interest was in the memorial. We do finally learn that his father was in the war, so that's good. You might try condensing his memories of the stories his father told about the war; it starts to feel redundant.

Although it is not labeled as such, I believe the January 1945 section is meant to be Chapter 1. Then is Chapter 2, you essentially go back and tell the same story from Enrique's point of view. Would it be possible to mesh these two sections, so the reader is given a bit of Jacob's experience and a bit of Enrique's, alternating between them until their stories intersect? That way what happens on the beach wouldn't be told twice and would have greater punch when it happens. Also, I think the reader would know Jacob better and have greater sympathy for him when he rescues the baby if there has been more lead-up to that key scene. It would also feel more natural to go back in time for the next chapter and fill in his story more.

Particularly in action scenes, consider splitting up or tightening long sentences to convey a more active sense of things. Use strong verbs to show the action, rather than telling about it. For example: Rollie noticed the man was wiping tears from his eyes which caused tears to form in his own eyes. Try something like: As the man wiped tears from his eyes, Rollie blinked back a tear of his own.

I noted a few specific edits for correction:

Prologue:
In dialogue, separate each speakers' lines into a new paragraph.

The sentence beginning "His father was a mystery . . ." does not need to be in quotes.

Why are Rollie and Laurel given their full names and titles in the middle of the prologue? It would make more sense to do this when they are first introduced. What are they doctors of? I assume it's important.

Is it significant that Laurel calls him James and he calls himself Rollie?

Chapter 1

. . . came within site . . . you want "sight"

stanch should be staunch

As the boat lurched upward that is when he saw the baby. Cut "that is when"

. . . he demanding . . . you want demanded

The lieutenant's point of view does not add much; I'd advise staying with Jacob's.

There's a stray quotation mark after dead man's identity? And it isn't a question, so replace the question mark with a period.

Chapter 2
Early on, establish where Enrique is and why. You might detail the smelting process while he is reflecting on things, to add a touch of authenticity.

There is no need to put quotes around lines that are not dialogue. For example: There was no doubt, he believed, Yamashita's soldiers would not leave anyone alive in the compound.

In the scene with Enrique and Tokutomi, the pronouns are not always clear. "He" could be either of them.

Tokutomi speaks a line that is partly dialogue, partly exposition: "When Japan loses the war, which he and many others . . ." Clear this up.

He erroneously told the Prince his need . . . This makes it sound like he told the Prince in error or by mistake, when what I think you mean is that he deliberately misled the Prince in order to get what he wanted.

crane like devise should be crane-like device. (How is it not just a crane?)

Is the sheet steel or iron? You go back and forth.

If it took a crane to get it into position, how was Enrique able to move it by himself after building his vault?

more tedious that it actually was . . . You want "than"

. . . his time and usefulness . . . was at hand and presumably at an end. Cut "at hand and"

Chapter 3
"It was like a rite of passage?" Jacob said. Who is he talking to, and why is it a question?

"It would cost him about $1200. . ." Cut "him"

simplistic beauty I don't think you really mean simplistic. Simple or unaffected would make more sense.

"I don't know how much more of my father's drinking I can take?" is not a question.

Switching to Johnny's point of view is jarring and doesn't add much. Would it be possible to keep it in Jacob's POV? He would overhear the phone calls, and then his father appears, a changed man, and explains what happened.

You have wrangled a large cast of characters and a complicated story here, and I wish you well with it.

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
ENDURANCE
TIME SQUARED

Chapter one was riveting. The writing is smooth, clear and crisp. I didn't find any errors, spelling or otherwise. You did a great job editing your manuscript! I am giving you 6 stars and putting you in my WL to read further. Great job!

Sincerely,
D. S. Hale
Jessup and the Teleporter

I just read the first two chapters. This story is full of vibrant imagery and has a historical feel that draws you right in. This is not my usual cup of tea, but I think you have done a great job with it. Thanks for the read. High stars on this one.

Ron,

I read through chapter six and found myself totally captivated by your story. A long time ago I had read through chapter two, so I merely skimmed the the first two just to reacquaint myself with the plot. It all came back to me quickly.

The beginning of your book definitely grabs the reader with Rollie’s remembrance of his father and the tragedy of Enrique’s lost hopes and the ultimate death of him and his wife. It is all so gripping and very moving.

Chapter three introduces John, Jacob, and their life that is marked with it’s own strain of sad memories and difficulties. Then Japan bombs Pearl Harbor. A day that truly does live in infamy.

You wrote “A chill of patriotism and excitement ran up the spine of seventeen years old Jacob as he listened with eyes and ears glued to the radio.” A chill went up my spine too. The words of President Roosevelt are very stirring. It brings back the horrific memories of Sept 11. and made me proud and thankful to be an American.

You do a wonderful job chronicling the events of Dec 7, 1941 and afterwards. I really enjoyed seeing those days through the eyes of Jacob - too young to fight and not even sure he wanted to. Life was going good finally.

Ron, I know I’ve told you this before, but I was imagining my dad as I read about Jacob. My dad was 18 too when he was drafted. He told me when he arrived in New York Harbor and saw the battered destroyer that was to be his base of operation for the next two years, he thought he was never going to make it home. But he did! And oh, the stories he had… December Gold also resonates with me too in that I grew up right by Fort Custer or Camp Custer. My dad and I used to ride our motorcycles around the old barracks, peeking inside in hopes of finding some long lost treasure. Now it’s used by the National guard - a handful of fighter jets… pretty cool.

Anyway, although I thought Jacob’s war experience was really very intriguing and interesting, I did feel the plot slows a bit. You do sprinkle this time with a continuing unsettledness in Jacob’s mind that he is meant for more - that he is feeling someone else’s pain. This serves to keep the tension until Jacob comes to rescue the baby. I loved that you allow the reader to really live the war through the thoughts of Jacob, a character that you have made the reader to care about so much.

By the end of chapter six, you bring the reader full circle to the tragic demise of Enrique and his family. And we see that Enrique’s gold becomes President Truman’s great mystery to solve.

I peeked a little a chapter seven and it looks like the search for gold is what spurs the plot on. I can tell there is more intrigue and mystery in store!

Ron, I am so impressed with your writing and your story. It is smooth, easy to read and captures the imagination and heart of your reader. I wish I had another six stars to give you. I do have a warm spot on my shelf though….

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

DECEMBER GOLD
This is an intriguing story. I used to work at a veteran’s hospital and loved to listen to stories of WWII so I felt right at home reading this. The story of the hidden gold is interesting; I’m betting people will read this and take off for Manila to try and find that cave of gold. I like the way you include back story detail when you introduce your characters; fleshes them out nicely and makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Great story! I loved everything you wrote and I can't wait to read more later on.

Wow, what a great story! I'm about to start Chapter 3 and I was just wondering what an LCM is??

Oh my goodness, what a page turner! I just finished chapter 1 and I can't wait to read the rest!

Hi Ron,
I see you have lots of comments, so I will try to focus on some other things. You have a good story, I think. It would help if you could create even more empathy by trying to get into the characters’ points of view a little more, showing us by their actions what they think, rather than simply telling us. (Show don’t tell). The prologue and chapters could be tightened considerably, which would up the pace, and excitement for the reader. At the moment, you also use lots of adverbs and adjectives. Could cut down this and use stronger verbs and nouns.
Congratulations on the story, though. It is a great piece of work. Here are some other minor comments:
Short Pitch: I think there is too much going on here. We need a short, snappy sentence or question that hooks the reader. What is the big What If here? What are the stakes?
Long Pitch: Overall a good pitch, but a couple of minor fix-ups. Who is Rollie? Is he Professor Marclay? You mention “this young baby” in the second para. What young baby? You mention a Japanese Christian in the third para as a vital character. But where is he in the first or second paras?
Prologue: I think the prologue would be better if it were just the story about finding the baby. “defending our country…” “carried our troops to victory…” Are you intending to try and publish outside the US?
With dialogue, it would help distinguish the speakers to have different people on new lines.
“Retelling his experience…as his easel.” One is painting, the other is speaking.
LCM?
“Rollie was consoled by what he now knew about the secret kept hidden.” Maybe this could be worded more clearly? Obviously the secret was no longer hidden.
There are a few too many “excited” and “excitedly”. Maybe try to change some of them.
Would Jacob call a baby a “kid”? He “yelled out loudly” – yelling suggests loud.
“naked as the day she was born” – cliché
Ch 1: Should talalog be tagalog?
You put a great deal of backstory in Ch1, which slows down the action considerably.
“Time had certainly passed since then, he fervently thought.” Not sure how you think fervently?
It is certainly difficult to understand how Enrique could feel joy at working for the Japanese after what he witnessed.

Ron,

December Gold is a page turner for sure! You have developed your plot so that it makes it nearly impossible for the reader to put it down. You have made me care about Jacob, John, Susan. Aunt Flo and Uncle Ed, and of course baby Alaya. What suspense you have created. What will happen to Alaya and Jacob? How will he ever discover the map in the locket and will he be able to decipher it? I was quite captivated by the whole story and want to read more, but it is late… Ron, the title you have chosen for your book is perfect and you have a wonderful long pitch. I was excited to read the reference to the destroyer in chapter one. My dad was on the U.S.S. Patterson in the South Pacific in the later part of WWII.

There were a couple things I noticed while I was reading that you might want to give some attention to. In the prologue (I think) the sentence starting: “there are so many memories present in this place that (it) would…

For us civilians, may tell us just once what a LCM is.

Chapter one, third paragraph, the sentence starting “As he squatted…“ is kind of complicated.

In the end of chapter two, the point of view shifts back and forth from Enrique to Jacob. This probably should stay consistent.

Finally, in chapter three when you shift to Johnny’s point of view, separate this with some space or asterisks. I noticed a little shifting back and forth from Jacobs and Johnny’s point of view too.

I can tell this is going to prove to be a very exciting book, Ron. Good job and many blessings. Six stars and a backing soon to come.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood