Bound By Birth

Hello Randall, a harrowing opening of dark cruelty and the mind of a disturbed woman set out on your stall. I thought: 'Wow, where is this going?' It got darker, that last image in the chapter of the kid having her face rammed into the cereal bowl was powerful stuff.

Then, to paradise. Obviously inspired by your own personal life here, Paul and Jill's idyllic family life in the beautiful setting of the Florida Keys, you can almost see the white picket fences. You portray a marriage that is full of love and devotion and warm humour. You are setting the scene for the 'bomb' to go off.

And there she is - Jenny from the first chapter parked up in a car, sneaking into their home to further her sick fantasies. You hint at other tragedies she's caused and a queasy feeling hits my gut - this is going to turn nasty.

Jill's phonecall from Jenny ratchets it up beautifully, particularly after the touching, simple scenes of affection between Paul and Jill in the office following Paul's gentle, sympathetic flirting with the widowed receptionist and his friendly exchange with the CD guy.

This is excellent because you guide the reader into the characters and the storyline and there is just the right amount of menace, masterful writing indeed.

I can't help thinking do you (Randall/Paul) have nightmares or can you simply not believe your luck having the lifestyle you lead? Is your story based on fear that 'it's too good to be true'? or is it just a 'what if' flight of fancy? No matter, your imagination has served you well in this piece of worthy work that I would not only like to read but to watch the film, directed, of course, by some bastard son of Hitchcock ((if not the man himself). BACKED TO THE HILT. Chris1

Hi Randall,

This is very well-written, and chock full of suspense. The characters are vivid and perfectly drawn so as to make them clear in the readers mind. This book will give you something to think about when dealing with internet acquaintances. Very well done. Good Luck and Best Wishes.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

This has a powerful and formidable opening chapter, the dark portrayal of a woman way, way beyond the point of rational was compelling and chilling. The strength of the little girl, her courage and loyalty to her little brother contrasted against the weakness of a father who fails to protect them is moving and disturbing.
The contrast between this opening and the simple pleasures of coffee in the next chapter is clever, for one tone to another, drawing the reader further into the narrative.
Backed

This is chilling from the get go. Horrific even before she lashes out at her children, but like a car crash, one can not look away and must continue. Riveting. Yes, I would say worthy of the silver screen. Good Luck!

Billie - Sheik Rattle & Roll

Dear Randall
this book cover is so beguiling, yes that
is the word i would put on it. and so
calming , for a thriller
and you know that is what grabbed me the title versus the
book cover. it did it the first
time around and now the second
I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished.
I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

What a great idea! The title pulled me in to read more! I'll be watching:) Kat (EMBRACED)

Dear Randall --

Bound by Birth is every social networker's nightmare -- and therefore a timely and marketable story. You readily provide strong characters to support your premise who are humanly flawed and very genuine. Your portrayal of Jenny is especially deft, illuminating her madness without descending into caricatures.

Backed not only for all of the above, but because you managed to creep me out in a very entertaining way. :) -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

This is a rather frightening look into an abusive, obsessive-compulsive personality. Your description of the action and the narrative in general are really powerful. Technically, there are some problems with the writing. I'd suggest you go through the manuscript and every time a sentence starts with "he," "she" or "it," see if you can rewrite it. Also, there are some punctuation issues (I highly recommend the Harbrace College Handbook). But the idea is great, which is the most important thing, and stylistically the writing is strong, so I'm glad to back this for you.
Craig
The Job

This is hair-standing-up-on-end kind of creepy, and that's what makes it so enjoyable. I would love to know what happens next. Backed, backed, backed.

Amy
Love Match

BOUND BY BIRTH:

Randall,

I don't know how I've missed seeing this novel. With my love of thrillers it really stands out, and is something I would buy just after reading the first paragraph. A riveting read, that has the ring of truth to it. Characters that leap off the page they are so real. Dialogue that comes straight from a TV film with its directness and punch.

The starkness of the action hits you with its cruelty, but you wonder at the fortitude of the children. I suppose it's because they don't really know that out there in the world there is another kind of family life, and they merely accept theirs because it's all they know about. This is the tragedy, and you portray it so well.

Because of the action and the drama and the suspense you create with your vivid writing, it was difficult to think about anything else. But there are one or two little points that need adjusting:. " . . . and just wanted the annoying little pest to go away." instead of this annoying little pest. Thus avoiding a repetition of "this". Commas are needed here. "I know, Mommy, but Stevie and I . . ." Say it out loud, and it'll come to you. In dialogue, always a comma before the name of the person being addressed.

But these and a few other minor punctuation lapses are easily fixed by an edit, and are insignificant compared to the impact this book has, and the energy of the writing, which makes this a really gripping read. I think this novel will go far, and I have great pleasure in backing it, and wishing it all the success it deserves.

Backed.
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Heavy stuff Randall and quite bleak, I was swept along with the darkness and the juxtaposition of out of control adults and anguished children. Crisply portrayed and darkly forboding. Backed for the feeling of utter suspense.

Best Wishes

Richard

Wow. Jenny's a bitch. Paul is a sympathetic character. Your descriptions of setting and characters are cinematic. You have an eye for important details. You enrich your narrative with brilliant metaphors such as 'the wall of the dam was thin.' Your crisp dialogue is entertaining and propels your story forward. You pacing held my interest,

Nit:
'Like a cool breeze on a hot summer day' is cliche.

This is a well-executed, compelling thriller. Backed.

Wow, this is a really gripping novel. I can see this making a great suspense film as well.

Jane Holyoake (The Spiral Pendant)

Wow. Scary. This is one sick woman. Nice job on characters.

Randall,

The painfully stark and powerful opening of Bound by Birth was enough to earn my backing a couple of weeks ago. Now, at last, I've had the time to read the rest, and you do not disappoint. You paint a very powerful picture with such stark imagery, and yet you do not drown the reader in language, keeping us gripped and wanting more.

Simply wonderful.

If my backing failed to show up in your feed, please let me know and I'll give it another spin.
Best wishes,
Abi xxx
“Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules were made to be broken.” - Relic

Hi Randall
A really bleak opening, but extremely well written. Excellent descriptions and scene settings, with a whole range of interesting (some nasty!) characters. Plot sounds very intriguing. Backed.
Hope you're tip top,
JG Reynolds (Head, Heart & Trousers).

This is well written with good character development. The main character certainly is twisted. I'm afraid for Jill.

Drew Pate

Randy - your book totally hooked me from the start. I read it very fast, couldn't put it down. Your style of writing is refreshing; I am very visual and I lived the pages, could feel the warm air and smell the salt water. Your descriptions of the people will make it very difficult for me to believe the actors who will be in your movie, unless of course they let me do the casting!!
Best of luck to you and your future in writing. BACKED BIG TIME!
Debi

Give me a ride on your shelf "That It Was" and I'd be honored for some comments on my love story, "That It Was."

Regrading your book. It's good. But (imho) there may be just a bit too much flower language. In my book, less is more. I do offer that advice humbly. Take it or leave it.

E.g., "Suckt it up baby," she said aloud in the dark" could be shortened to "Suck it up."

E.g., "What have I told you about bothering me when I am in here," she said in a measured hissing tone" could be changed to "What the hell have I told you about bothering me when I'm in here." The hell makes the "measured hissing tone irrelevant.

I wish you the best.

Carlos
"That It Was"

Nice opening - gets you on the hook. First reading of early pages is both enjoyable and leads you into the story well. Will read some more and come back to you, but nicely put together so far and makes you want to find out more.

Good luck and I'll add some more comments as time allows.

Regards,

Clive
Cincinnati Dancing Pig

Bound by Birth:

Randall,

At first there is a poignancy; in that Mommy is so distant to Michelle when the latter needs her mother's love and comfort most. But then, the mother's indifference is suddenly seen as abuse, 'Her [Michelle's] shoulder cried out in pain from where Mommy had thrown her against the wall...'
the mother's ill-treatment of Michelle becomes the more understandable - though not forgivable - as we learn how she is caught up between the loathing of a husband who has made her pregnant against her will and, on the other hand, the portrayal of shallow-minded stay-at-home women whose only purpose for using the internet was to chat about trite inanities.
The sadness of the marriage breakdown is most deepened when, after the mother's physical attack and humiliation of her husband, the children 'still did not look up from their cereal bowls but their crying grew softer...'
Nightmare though the mother is, one always wants to look for a glimmer of a redeeming feature - even a root cause, for her comprehensive nastiness. Yes, she's been given another child which she didn't want and, yes, she's irritated by the mindless chatter on the internet but... I want to read on to see whether I should loathe her or ultimately like her.
The promise of the storyline as already set out in your synopsis offers intriguing developments which whet the appetite.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

This opening chapter is fraught with tension and the mother's inner and outer rage come across really well. Sympathy for the children's plight is quickly brought to the fore and the ending: "Please God. Please make it stop," is one hell of a cliff hanger.

Real contrast between 1 and 2, the darkness and anger of 1 followed by the ideal existence of 2. Both atmospheric in their own ways and intriguing to see what will happen when these two worlds collide. My only suggestion would be to separate more clearly the pov's in 1. We're jumping from head to head - little girl, to mother, to father to mother, to little girl etc. You might be able to do it all in the mother's - she can imagine what the other two are feeling, and hate them for it of course!
Anyway, this is really promising and deservedly on the shelf.

This is a compelling read. A wicked mother who is longing to escape her life into the online community away from her unfaithful husband and vents her fury on her children. We see her violence and insanity boiling over Michelle who only the reader will see as fragile and needing to be cared for as her mother is blind to this. Definitely coming back for more. Backed with pleasure, Sana x

Brilliant premise and excellent start. Backed

Well I read all 4 chapters and I really wanted more. Well done. Jenn is a true psychopath! She scares me just reading about her. Backed already. I can't say I really enjoyed this but I must have relished it in some strange way or I wouldn't have kept reading!
Loving regards, Callaghan

I think you mean "It gave him a real surfer dude look". (Chapter 2). 26th paragraph, 3ed sentence you use "
"amusingly" incorrectly. You mean "in amusement". Second paragraph UP from bottom is a little stiff. I am enjoying very much the wholesome messages of the second chapter and like it MUCH better than the first chapter. It's a lot less painful to read and I relate to the characters.
Loving regards, Callaghan

You have a powerful pitch. I have to back your book as I enjoy to read the rest of the chapter. Interesting story.
Backed
Bamboo Promise

'Dark watery fury', Yowch, mummy is not at all nice. That's one heck of a prologue. The sheer normality of Paul's morning routine is quite a contrast and a relief. Great descriptions of the two boys, 'take off like a bullet from a gun'. Then the getting them breakfasted and on the road, all quite usual aside from the white Taurus. Then the same rooms but inhabited by the obsessed woman who seems intent on destroying families. The phone call finishes the excerpt off to perfection ... skin crawling.

I've seen some of those 'mommy' forums, Randall, and I can understand how they could inspire such a creepy thriller. A great idea, and very well written. Jenn is one of the best 'baddies' I've come across ... backed.

Possible nits: 'leaning against the ja[m]b'. Try not to vary the metaphors / similes when they refer to the same thing, e.g. the mother's fury goes from boiling liquid to icy fire. Also at moments of intense emotion, such as Michelle's fear, complex similes can be distracting.

Chapter 1, 12th paragraph, last sentence uses cool and cooling twice in the same sentence. 13th paragraph, you mention the wicked witch of the east. It was the wicked witch of the WEST that said "my pretties". Dorothy's house fell on the witch of the east.

Mommy has a lead (Pb) deficiency. I think a .44 caliber dose, sagittally applied, would remedy her imbalance.
Well done. I rarely hate in less than 3 chapters. I'm on to chapter two, where I hope comeuppance is doled in proper (therapeutic) measure. (And I mean that in the nicest possible way.)

Loving regards, Callaghan

Your first chapter had me hooked. The ending visual of the young girl being suffocated in her cereal was heart wrenching. Then we see the mirror opposite family and it makes it so much more poignant in comparison. nicely done, fast paced, great hooks.

Sessha

Hello Randall, a harrowing opening of dark cruelty and the mind of a disturbed woman set out on your stall. I thought: 'Wow, where is this going?' It got darker, that last image in the chapter of the kid having her face rammed into the cereal bowl was powerful stuff.

Then, to paradise. Obviously inspired by your own personal life here, Paul and Jill's idyllic family life in the beautiful setting of the Florida Keys, you can almost see the white picket fences. You portray a marriage that is full of love and devotion and warm humour. You are setting the scene for the 'bomb' to go off.

And there she is - Jenny from the first chapter parked up in a car, sneaking into their home to further her sick fantasies. You hint at other tragedies she's caused and a queasy feeling hits my gut - this is going to turn nasty.

Jill's phonecall from Jenny ratchets it up beautifully, particularly after the touching, simple scenes of affection between Paul and Jill in the office following Paul's gentle, sympathetic flirting with the widowed receptionist and his friendly exchange with the CD guy.

This is excellent because you guide the reader into the characters and the storyline and there is just the right amount of menace, masterful writing indeed.

I can't help thinking do you (Randall/Paul) have nightmares or can you simply not believe your luck having the lifestyle you lead? Is your story based on fear that 'it's too good to be true'? or is it just a 'what if' flight of fancy? No matter, your imagination has served you well in this piece of worthy work that I would not only like to read but to watch the film, directed, of course, by some bastard son of Hitchcock ((if not the man himself). BACKED TO THE HILT. Chris1

Hi Randall.
Thanks for the backing and kind comments on Degree of Exposure.
This posting is a really good taster for the rest of your book. Fast paced, atmospheric, and menacing.

There really is nothing I can suggest to improve things.
The speed you are shooting up the listings is a sign you should be hitting the Eds desk quite soon.
Looking forward to reading their comments. Backed. Eric

Dear Randall

I read your pitch and found it interesting so I was compelled to take it a bit further and read the book. I wasn't very satisfied, unfortunately. And it's not because your story isn't up to scratch, on the contrary you have a very dramatic and intense story on your hands. But there was a few things I want to point out.

You're story is far too intense with descriptions, so much so that I find it hard to take the story seriously. I like the story though, so I still try to read further, but your extreme descriptions and exaggerated comparisons becomes just a little too much.

Try to tone it down!

You have a very good story, but there's still a lot of work here, remember you don't have to be dramatic in every sentence with a drama. Just like you don't have to be funny in every word with a comedy. By using a slightly less intense writing style you can build the 'calm before the storm' atmosphere so that when something terrible happens, the reader kinda saw it coming, but is surprised non the less. You need to use simpler words to build anticipation.

On the whole you have a great command of the English language, you have terrific story and the only real problem is what I mentioned above. You have a great story Randall, it just needs a little bit of work!

Good luck to you and Happy Writing!

Anne Morgan - Forgotten Gods

I have only read the Prologue But this is so well written and is absolutely compelling. There are many battered husbands out there and also abused children and this paints a stark and I suspect horribly truthful picture. The pitch promises a complex thriller. If the rest of this book delivers as well as the beginning then thriller readers have a real treat in store. Backed with pleasure.
BADD

The detail in this is amazing. I could taste the vanilla coffeemate! A powerful beginning, and the shift to Paul in the Keys was a gentle relief from the abuse described in the start. Curious to see how the stories relate! Backed.

OH MY GOSH. Ummm...wow. This is quite scary. Obviously mommy is a sociopath. It really it so well-told you can visualize the action as it happens. I will have to come back to this one when I'm not in shock anymore!

This is powerfully written. The wicked witch is portrayed well. The reader immediately feels sorry for the victims.
Shelved.
cheers olga

Randall
This promises to be a really good thriller so it is a pity you have uploaded so little of it. The prologue captured my attention and kept me reading but, even at this early stage, I would have liked to have known 'mommy's' name. I think it stands a good chance of rising high in the charts and am backing it. One nitpic: " ....helping each other justify their existence as the drains on their families that they were." I think would be better as " ....helping each other justify their existence as drains on their families."
If you have time, I would really appreciate it if you were to take a look at my book.
Regards
William ('The Caves of Caerdraig')

Hi Randall. It is not very often that the first page of a book makes me want to head butt te computer screen in temper, you managed it. But as angry as it makes you, you have to read on. wonderful writing. Backed. Martin.
RICK BUNION.

A very powerful start - bold to show domestic violence practised by a woman - all too often it's forgotten that men can be victims too.
I did feel that Michelle's thought at the end of the prologue was a little too adult. I don't think a child would put it like that, they'd be more likely to think 'make her stop' or something simple.

Backed with pleasure.

Elaine
(Long Lying Below)

Hi Randall, Born By Birth paints a vivid and creepy picture in the opening. Chapter one paints a picture of everyday routine. Nice contrast. The only thing I'd change if it were me is I'd like to know how old the kids are early on I felt a little confused when a child in diapers could dress himself.

backed
Pamela Frost
Houses of Cards
also available on Create Space and Amazon like yours.

Gripping right from the off. Glad to back you and hope to see you on the Ed's desk some time soon.
James

Scary book. It makes me think again of what happened to a friend of mine. His daughter murdered her entire family and then killed herself. He will never recover.

Shelved.

Bill

I started reading and couldn't stop. Can't wait to read more. You got me!

I am looking forward to reading this one this I am from the northeast (NYC) and spent this past December in the Florida Keys with my wife and her family. This is going to be good. Will follow up later.

I had a good time reading this, and to tell the truth I want more. Jenn is one creepy lady. I think she has the makings of a female psycopath and I do like that sort of character. Sorry I'm not much of a commenter. Backed.

Powerful, suspenseful and down right scary, what more could a reader want from a thriller? If they say otherwise then they are simply being greedy. Great plot, amazing premise, well done for making me sit up and take notice :)

Randy
What a great and creepy idea for a story. This is so topical and a must-read for all social networking users. Your Prologue definitely pulls us in and then we have the contrast of Chapter 2. I did feel you could improve the Prologue which was a bit wordy in places, slowing it down, where you want punchiness and pace. The switching of viewpoints between Mother (from Hell) and daughter and then husband also has a slowing effect. I do think you should stick to one point of view for pace and effect in my humble opinion. For me the action starts where she (mother) is scanning the listings and posts and these could be interjected with Michelle's and husband's interruptions. Just a suggestion. See what others think.
Backed
All the best
Kate

The second paragraph is a bit confusing. Break down the second sentence into smaller parts and hit the individual points harder. Make it seem like a thriller.

Even the best laid plans fail to protect against twisted and tortured minds. -- That should go with the paragraph above. Then break down the rest of the paragraph.

JMC

Expertly written and very sad.
where you wrote " shit!" She shouted... the she should be a lower case.
and the "fucker," She screamed... the she should be lower case.
Great opening chapter. I tried to join one of those boards once with my pregnancy, but too many of those women hit their kids and or let them "cry it out" and I couldn't stand to read about it. this was hard to read, but I hope something like this gets published. Great story and again, every well written.
I'm watchlisting this and will shelve it on my next rotation.
xBeccaX
The First Phoenix

Randall,
Backed the book a couple days ago after reading the first chapter, but only now found the time to comment. I took notes while reading, and have sent a few to you in an email. The story and characters are done well and the suspense is certainly there. I can't wait to see what happens with the little girl and her vicious Mommy. With some editing, I think this could be a knockout story. Good job. Keep at it.

Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

Great writing. Look forward to reading more.
Best wishes,
M (Weekend Chimney Sweep)

Wow, I can't wait to see what happens. You said you have been working with a professional editor. I feel it is well written and Jenn is someone straight out of a creepy movie. I feel sorry for her kids! Towards the end of the first chapter there was an extra "you" . You must have been editing the line and forgot to take it out. That's the only grammatical error I noticed.

This is definitely a book I would buy and I hope you get it published. Good luck

Denise