Book Jacket

 

rank 932
word count 37285
date submitted 13.03.2010
date updated 20.02.2013
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction
classification: universal
incomplete

Riding the Rails

Susan Crabtree

Charlie Buchanan runs away and hops a train out of town. It's 1932 and he's destined to meet the man who will change his life.

 

Riding the Rails is a gritty historical-mystery fiction set in the Depression-era. Two hundred and fifty thousand children left home in the 1930's to jump on freight trains, to see the country and look for work, never fully understanding what life would be like riding the rails. Charlie Buchanan is one of these children who runs away from home and from a financially ruined and disparaging father.


Charlie becomes a tried and true hobo of only nine years of age and finds that hopping freights is a rather dangerous proposition. He learns life’s lessons on his journey, facing gangs of youth who prey on travelers, old men called ‘wolves’, railroad bulls ready to beat and maim illegal rail passengers and learns that he’s not alone; he is among many who seek their fortune in a country ‘that is dying by inches’.

He meets Moses Pulani, called by his hobo name, ‘Gypsy’, an outcast even among the hoboes and tramps. Moses has escaped to America to hide among the migrating homeless. After Moses is thrown in jail for murder, Henry Bledsoe, a local reporter, singles Charlie out to ‘get the story’ and unwraps a mystery that surrounds the man.

 
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tags

1932, depression era, gypsies, hobos, mystery, railroads, runaways, thriller

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129 comments

 

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Chapters

10

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Chapter Ten  

 

Charlie entered the packed courthouse at Bledsoe's side. He wasn't aware that other reporters noticed this duet. They found two seats near the table where Moses sat alone.

The proceedings had not started and Charlie was able to catch Moses' eye. The man sat with his hat in his lap, dressed in his normal clothing brought to him, newly laundered. He looked very relaxed.

Moses contemplated Charlie with his normal unreadable stare and  smiled slightly. He then turned back to look at the front of the room. Charlie knew that look. Moses wasn't worried, which made him worried.

The raised podium with a row of leather chairs behind it, all facing the room, was currently empty. It was reserved for the jury of six people.

The single table in the center was for the 'judge' of the Inquest. Bledsoe was at his side explaining the proceedings. "It's not a civil or criminal trial, Charlie. A Coroner's Inquest is just an inquiry into the manner and cause of a person's death. The jury..." he nodded towards the six empty seats, "are citizens of the county. They bring in a verdict after they hear testimony. But the verdict they issue merely qualifies the death..."   Henry glanced at him to see if he understood and continued, "as to whether it was murder, suicide, accident or death by natural causes. However, if someone is implicated as a murderer then they are arrested and held for a criminal trial."

Moses was being held in jail, charges had not been filed against him pending the outcome of the Inquest, but a murmuring in the town and the use of the word 'murder' was enough. A lot depended on whether Moses would testify at the Inquest.

The reporter was right, Charlie thought, people have already made up their minds. He could almost sense it in the atmosphere in the room. The Inquiry was just a formality.

They sat quietly with just a few low mumblings in the audience until seven men entered at the front. One man sat at a table and the other six filed one-by-one into the jury box. A simple explanation of the proceedings was given by the judge.

Charlie was not interested in the testimony given during the morning hours. It was the continuation, the recitation, of the events that occurred on the day of the wreck.

Thomas Ramsour, Esq., an attorney, but not a local, was appointed as the counsel for the Coroner's Inquest. Everyone assumed he was hired by the railroad men.

He cast a rather regal figure at the front of the room. The man was tall, well-dressed, with salt and pepper hair which crowned his head and was brushed to a sheen from his temple straight back.   His voice was full, deep and rich and easily reached the back seats of the courtroom. It was a voice made for the stage.

Ramsour began by calling the first witness; he called Sarah Hawthorne to the stand. Charlie had to cover his mouth to keep from giving away his smile. He knew better then anyone that people were watching him for all kinds of reactions. He did not want them to see this one.

A tall, thin girl, dressed in a plain calf-length housedress, wearing a hat and gloves and clutching a purse, took the stand. The hands holding the purse were red from hard labor. They were unusual because of their size; man-hands, Charlie called them. They were her only distinguising feature other than her weight. She was this rail-thin wisp of a girl with these mitts hanging at the ends of her arms. Charlie respected those hands. He'd been on the receiving end of a punch or a slap  from those hands on several occasions.

Moses glanced over to her when she looked their way and then turned back. She nodded just enough that Charlie thought only Moses and he had caught the movement.

The man in the center of the head table motioned for Ramsour to begin his questioning.

The attorney stood and looked at his witness. "Will you please tell us your full name."

She squirmed slightly, clutched her purse tighter and turned to the audience and answered, "It's Sarah Rebecca-Jane Hawthorne. These folks here don't know me by that name though." She nodded towards the front row of seats and Charlie knew to whom she was speaking. There were 'boes and tramps from all over the country seated there, many of them he knew well.  She continued, "To some I'm known as Stick."

Ramsour walked to the front of the room and stopped at the witness stand. He folded his hands, fingers laced, down in front of his hips. It was obvious that he was preening for the audience, primarily the women in the audience.

He used his soft sonorous voice, tuning it like an instrument and calculated his moves to soothe her nervousness. "How old are you Miss Hawthorne?

"If you are going to call me by my name it's best if you call me Sarah," she said, nervously. After a short pause she answered his question, "I'm seventeen."

He nodded and continued, smiling charmingly at her. "And are you currently employed, Sarah?"

"I work at the Gladstone Hotel as a laundress. Its in Wyoming."

"I see," he nodded and smiled slightly. "Is that your typical line of work Sarah?"

She nodded.

"Answer yes or no, aloud, Miss Hawthorne," Ramsour said quietly without looking at her. His friendly tone changed and was now firm. Your answers are being recorded by a stenographer."

He nodded towards a woman at the end of a long table punching away at her machine so that there was only the soft 'clack-clackety-clack' of the stenographers keys and a faint rustling of people shifting and moving in the courtroom.

"Yes."

"Isn't it also true that you often dress as a man and jump onto trains and ride around the country?" the attorney asked. He stared at her without showing any expression on his face. Moses sat staring straight ahead and didn't move while Sarah, on the other hand, was shifting in her seat. She sipped at a glass of water in front of her and wadded a clean white hanky nervously in her fist.

"I don't know," she said in a whisper.

"Sorry?" Ramsour asked, arching his eyebrows menacingly. He now stood, hands behind his back, rocking on the balls of his feet. The movement stopped and he stared at her, waiting for her answer.

"If I was to answer yes to that then I'd be confessing to breaking the law, Mr. Ramsour," she said, with a touch of defiance, not realizing that in a roundabout way she had already condemned herself.

She raised her head and cocked it in a determined manner and continued, "Women don't normally dress in men's clothes in public. In some places it's even against the law."

There was some mild laughter and conversation until Ramsour looked over to the head table and then turned to peer around the crammed courtroom. People immediately quieted when he spoke. "Miss Hawthorne, testimony given in a Coroner's Inquest is inadmissible as evidence in proceedings against you unless you falsify your statement or fail to answer the question put before you. Do you understand?" His waited a moment and added, "I'm saying that you won't be in trouble unless you lie or you decide not to answer my questions."

She hesitated and then nodded and shifted in her chair. She once again glanced at Moses.

"We know that you have been riding the trains illegally, Miss Hawthorne, Ramsour said. We are here to gather information and facts about the accident that occurred and to determine the cause of Mr. Lambert's death. We are trying to ascertain how you have come to know Moses Pulani and under what circumstances. We want to know what happened on that train the day it derailed and who was responsible. These questions I will ask all in good time, but I want you to answer honestly each and every time. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"Do you know, Mr. Pulani?"

Sarah nodded, and looked again at Moses. "I know him mostly by his other name. People call him Gypsy."

"Why is it that people do not use their real names, Sarah?" he asked, his voice suddenly a study in gentleness, his brow furrowed with curiosity.

"They gave me the name of Stick because I'm thin. They call Gypsy that because he's a real Gypsy, only that's not what they call themselves o'course. The Gypsies, I mean. They call themselves Rom. Some come from different tribes, like the Sinti." She shrugged her thin shoulders, realizing that she was rambling. "A person just picks up a name, I guess."

"Why do you dress as a man to ride the trains?" he asked.

"It's not safe to tell everyone who you are if you're on the road or to let on that you're a woman," she explained. "It's just not. There are very few gals out there that aren't dressed up as men. They get hurt bad sometimes or they just give in and do a trade.

"Trade?" The man's eyebrows went up. Everyone in the room knew what she was saying but he was demanding that she spell it out.

Stick blushed and then lifted her chin and went on, "They trade protection for personal...sexual favors.  I dress as a man and no one knows the difference and they leave me alone."

"So you know Moses Pulani well then?" Black asked repeating himself and ignoring her embarrassment from his last question. "Did you do a 'trade' as you say with Mr. Pulani for his protection?"

"No!" she exploded. "He's a married man and he ain't that kind' a person anyway. He never asked for nothin' like that- ever!" She had unconsciously lapsed into  road talk.

The attorney bowed his head for a moment and then looked at her, smiling. "Very well. So you know Gypsy."

"I already said I did," she replied now sullen with anger.

"Can you tell us where you first met?"

 

Charlie leaned back in the seat and gazed out of the open courtroom window. He listened with half an ear to what she was saying. His mind drifted back to the first time that he met Stick.

 


 

Chapters

10

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Natasha Vloyski wrote 47 days ago

Thank you Lara. I've re-edited the whole thing although I have not uploaded the edited chapters. Perhaps one day I will when it receives more notoriety. I do appreciate you taking the time to read a little and leave a short note.

This is unusual and a gripping start to an historical novel. There is a lot of meat in it and the characterisations are strong, particularly the thought processes. I haven't read far, but far enoug to back. A good read. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

Lara wrote 47 days ago

This is unusual and a gripping start to an historical novel. There is a lot of meat in it and the characterisations are strong, particularly the thought processes. I haven't read far, but far enoug to back. A good read. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

MC Storm wrote 83 days ago

Read through the first chapter. I like how it starts with the newspaper clipping, nice hook. The story really read well and held my interest throughout. The descriptions for the said era play out well.
Overall I enjoyed the read and hope to get back read more.
MC
Exposed

Natasha Vloyski wrote 96 days ago


Thanks so much for all your thots. You're right that the book needed an edit. I think I posted this well over a year ago, maybe two and I have since had a professional edit done. I'm sure it'll look better now. I will consider uploading the complete text and I thank you for an honest opinion. One doesn't worry too much about typos and such until the book gets closer to the editors desk:). Thank you again.....

OTE] I've now read the fourteen chapters posted and the story is still holding my interest. I think this is very good for the most part. I'm loving the characters and the mystery, and wondering who is after Moses and why, what really happened to the engineer, what if any role did Moses have in the train wreck and the death of the engineer.

This is all very good writing throughout. Two chapters that stand out are Chapters One and Twelve. I've already commented on Chapter One, but Chapter Twelve, when Moses and Charlie and Stick are in the basement of the hotel, is equally memorable. The interaction between the characters, and between the characters and their environment, is extremely vivid and realistic, like you can almost see it.

The story perhaps flags a bit in places, and some of this might be due to its being told largely through flashbacks, such that it doesn't always have the continuity of straight chronological narrative. Also there are long sections where Charlie is telling the story to Henry, and Charlie naturally doesn't have the flair for description that you have. He provides a lot of details of hobo life, and I think that could be pared back a bit. You've obviously done a lot of research and know your subject well, but the reader doesn't need to know everything you know, only that you do know it. The way this whole thing is written, it's as authentic as you're going to get it, and the reader will just know that anyway, because it shows in the characters and their stories.

There are an awful lot of typographical things that should be easily fixed. Backwards quotation marks (which is probably a software issue), misplaced or missing apostrophes, spelling errors where a word is spelled as a different word that sounds the same, changing back and forth between fonts, confusing of their, there, and they're, and other things like that. It needs a good copy editing. There's also these little things like in one place Charlie asks Moses several questions over several paragraphs, and then Moses says something like, "To answer your question . . . ," and then answers Charlies question from several paragraphs earlier.

Is Moses ever going to play that guitar? I would have thought the guitar would have been broken long ago, what with him hopping freights and all, living outdoors in all kinds of weather; and I don't think he even has a guitar case to put it in.

I really enjoyed this. I'm engaged in the characters and story, and I want to know where all this is going to end up. I'll gladly read more if and when it becomes available.

Kevin Bergeron wrote 96 days ago

I've now read the fourteen chapters posted and the story is still holding my interest. I think this is very good for the most part. I'm loving the characters and the mystery, and wondering who is after Moses and why, what really happened to the engineer, what if any role did Moses have in the train wreck and the death of the engineer.

This is all very good writing throughout. Two chapters that stand out are Chapters One and Twelve. I've already commented on Chapter One, but Chapter Twelve, when Moses and Charlie and Stick are in the basement of the hotel, is equally memorable. The interaction between the characters, and between the characters and their environment, is extremely vivid and realistic, like you can almost see it.

The story perhaps flags a bit in places, and some of this might be due to its being told largely through flashbacks, such that it doesn't always have the continuity of straight chronological narrative. Also there are long sections where Charlie is telling the story to Henry, and Charlie naturally doesn't have the flair for description that you have. He provides a lot of details of hobo life, and I think that could be pared back a bit. You've obviously done a lot of research and know your subject well, but the reader doesn't need to know everything you know, only that you do know it. The way this whole thing is written, it's as authentic as you're going to get it, and the reader will just know that anyway, because it shows in the characters and their stories.

There are an awful lot of typographical things that should be easily fixed. Backwards quotation marks (which is probably a software issue), misplaced or missing apostrophes, spelling errors where a word is spelled as a different word that sounds the same, changing back and forth between fonts, confusing of their, there, and they're, and other things like that. It needs a good copy editing. There's also these little things like in one place Charlie asks Moses several questions over several paragraphs, and then Moses says something like, "To answer your question . . . ," and then answers Charlies question from several paragraphs earlier.

Is Moses ever going to play that guitar? I would have thought the guitar would have been broken long ago, what with him hopping freights and all, living outdoors in all kinds of weather; and I don't think he even has a guitar case to put it in.

I really enjoyed this. I'm engaged in the characters and story, and I want to know where all this is going to end up. I'll gladly read more if and when it becomes available.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 116 days ago

Thank-you, I am very pleased to read your comments and praise.
I hope you'll consider reading past the first chapter. I want others to know that your comments are unsolicited and therefore you have been generous in offering your backing and review. Thank you again.


QUOTE] I've read the first chapter. The story pulled me right in and held me. I think you've got everything just right in this first chapter. The first paragraph gives a picture of a busy newsroom and a veteran reporter, then we get a look at the story he's just pulled off his Remington, with its mystery element involving the location of the engineer's body. There's a picture of an American town in the Depression, the lunch room/general store/auto repair garage, Charlie and his parents, the beginning of the interview. I mean, it's all well paced and constructed, with just enough descriptive detail for the reader to get the picture. Very polished and skillful writing. I particularly liked (I'm going out on a limb here because I might be wrong) that you deliberately (?) misused or misspelled two words in Henry's news story; "eminent" for "imminent," and "breaking" for "braking." Deliberate or not, it's a nice touch. Henry probably wasn't an English major, but he's a seasoned reporter. Right off the bat we get a good picture of his character, though we still don't know a lot about him at this point.

I mentioned descriptive details, and I don't mean so much the details of the scenery and setting, but rather the little gestures and things like that, that depict character. For instance, the detached way Charlie's father shakes Henry's hand, the hungry, shell-shocked look in children's eyes, Charlie's movements and body language in the lunch room, the way Henry smokes a cigarette; just great stuff.

The stories of child hobos in the Depression have gone largely untold, but there were perhaps millions of these boys, and girls too, who left home for various reasons but mostly because they felt a burden to their parents, and rode the rails during that era. So far this story is convincing and as authentic as it can be, which is to say it sounds believable to me.

A great start you have here.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 116 days ago

[thankyou very much for the comments and backing. it is appreciated.

QUOTE] Fascinating premise! I should also mention well-written as well. I really think you are onto something here. This deserves to advance.
High Stars and BACKED!!!

-Trenor
The Lords of Invention

Trenor wrote 116 days ago

Fascinating premise! I should also mention well-written as well. I really think you are onto something here. This deserves to advance.
High Stars and BACKED!!!

-Trenor
The Lords of Invention

Kevin Bergeron wrote 116 days ago

I've read the first chapter. The story pulled me right in and held me. I think you've got everything just right in this first chapter. The first paragraph gives a picture of a busy newsroom and a veteran reporter, then we get a look at the story he's just pulled off his Remington, with its mystery element involving the location of the engineer's body. There's a picture of an American town in the Depression, the lunch room/general store/auto repair garage, Charlie and his parents, the beginning of the interview. I mean, it's all well paced and constructed, with just enough descriptive detail for the reader to get the picture. Very polished and skillful writing. I particularly liked (I'm going out on a limb here because I might be wrong) that you deliberately (?) misused or misspelled two words in Henry's news story; "eminent" for "imminent," and "breaking" for "braking." Deliberate or not, it's a nice touch. Henry probably wasn't an English major, but he's a seasoned reporter. Right off the bat we get a good picture of his character, though we still don't know a lot about him at this point.

I mentioned descriptive details, and I don't mean so much the details of the scenery and setting, but rather the little gestures and things like that, that depict character. For instance, the detached way Charlie's father shakes Henry's hand, the hungry, shell-shocked look in children's eyes, Charlie's movements and body language in the lunch room, the way Henry smokes a cigarette; just great stuff.

The stories of child hobos in the Depression have gone largely untold, but there were perhaps millions of these boys, and girls too, who left home for various reasons but mostly because they felt a burden to their parents, and rode the rails during that era. So far this story is convincing and as authentic as it can be, which is to say it sounds believable to me.

A great start you have here.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 124 days ago

Thankyou for your comments. I. Suppose my book hasn't been noticed since i don't bug people to read it.
I also have trouble finding anything decent to read on the site that doesn't involve series killers or fantasy. In which case I would get return reads. I also have searched for an agent for three years. No joy. Ah we'll. anyway, thank you again for a thoughtful review.

QUOTE] This is charming, detailed, evocative of the ea and beautifully written. One of the best books I've read here. Why it has been hanging around for so long I have no idea. I havent read your profile yet (I like to read the story without any influence) but if you havent got a publisher for this (I'd be surprised) self-publish it. Please.
High stars and WL for bookshelf when I next shuffle.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair
I'd appreciate a return read if you have time

Andrea Taylor wrote 124 days ago

This is charming, detailed, evocative of the ea and beautifully written. One of the best books I've read here. Why it has been hanging around for so long I have no idea. I havent read your profile yet (I like to read the story without any influence) but if you havent got a publisher for this (I'd be surprised) self-publish it. Please.
High stars and WL for bookshelf when I next shuffle.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair
I'd appreciate a return read if you have time

Nigel Fields wrote 125 days ago

Hi Susan!
It was good to immerse myself into this world of yours again. Let me reiterate that everything about the era rings true and there is undeniable charm here, such as: The kid was setting up the terms of the deal. I enjoyed this in 2011, as you know, and feel it should be published. My only nit about the first chapter is that today's audience tends to demand shorter chapters--probably the fault of television and movies of late. Constantly changing scenes today drive me crazy. Anyway, your writing is lovely, and I have placed Riding the Rails on my restored shelf. It's good to be back but I am disappointed that there aren't more HF fans on autho.
Best wishes,
John Campbell (A Lark Ascending)

Daniel6394 wrote 163 days ago

Susan:
Very well done. I like your story a lot. Well written. You have talent and it shows. Your story should do very well. Congratulations! Six stars and a place on my WL.
Best Wishes
Daniel
The Makers

memphisgirl wrote 186 days ago

Good writing. There are a few missing words/typos, but you have a nice, economical style, and I was drawn into the first chapter. Thanks for directing me to your manuscript. Good luck.

Memphis Girl (Joli Blon Gone/Drowning Lessons)

Wanttobeawriter wrote 473 days ago

RIDING THE RAILS
This is a good story. The beginning immediately takes a reader back in time when a copy boy grabs the reporter’s paper from the typewriter; a good reminder things of that kind weren’t always submitted just by pushing a button. You continue with good descriptions: the train, the turned out town . . . I like the way you italisize Henry’s internal thoughts; made me feel I was thinking those things along with him. Overall, a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

stoatsnest wrote 522 days ago

Back to Chapter One: See last two sentences in the first paragraph in which the word 'article' is repeated. At the least the second one should be substuted by'it'. The whole thing would be smoother if you condensed these two sentences into one.
If you read the rest with this example in mind you will find similar examples. As it is at present the prose is a little ponderous.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 524 days ago

Thank you for the imput....I'vve tried uploading edited chapters and really had a terrible
time doing that so I believe that some of this was corrected, but I will check again. Those little
things do count when you're a reader, just stops you in your tracks, so I'll try and check it
out. I'm not sure what parts need pruning. As an author you never want to have to prune anything
but if you can give me a hint, that would help, Thanks again, Susan

Good chapter. Just a few points:
'...call me Gypsy...' not 'call me,Gypsy'
called himself' 'Gypsy' not 'the Gypsy'
'Gypsy,hunched on his heels, was waiting for him,smoking' is better than 'The man,called Gypsy,was hunched on his heels, smoking and waiting for him.'

stoatsnest wrote 524 days ago

Good chapter. Just a few points:
'...call me Gypsy...' not 'call me,Gypsy'
called himself' 'Gypsy' not 'the Gypsy'
'Gypsy,hunched on his heels, was waiting for him,smoking' is better than 'The man,called Gypsy,was hunched on his heels, smoking and waiting for him.'

stoatsnest wrote 524 days ago

Definitely warms up as it goes along. The first part could do with pruning.

stoatsnest wrote 524 days ago

Definitely warms up as it goes along. The first part could do with pruning.

David J Baron wrote 526 days ago

Hi Susan

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Natasha Vloyski wrote 527 days ago

At the end of Ch 2 I changed the word to 'fled' rather than escape. I think that fits better. Once again I appreciate your comments. Every little bit helps.

Susan, congratulations. Riding the Rails is a compelling read. Moses and Chavo are lifted from the pages by the quality and confidence of your writing. We learn about them through their interactions rather than having to drag ourselves through plodding paragraphs of descriptions. Other writers should take note of how to let the characters emerge during the course of the story.

The start with Henry arriving at the train wreck is explosive. It carries us through some necessary background of the journalist, the backstory emerging effortlessly from the story telling. There is a Sherlock Holmes quality to the dead body being so far from the train wreck. The reader will want to know the how and whys. This is a brilliant conceit to kick off the book and hook the audience.

Likewise I praise the development of mood and imagery, the heat, the depression, people corralled into their narrow lives by relentless poverty.

Your style of writing is effortless with gorgeous lines such as “It felt like the darkness had eyes.”

The research with the use of words such as “push” and “flipped” gives the novel an underlying foundation of authenticity.

Each chapter ends with a hook compelling the reader to just start the next one. Moses is superbly enigmatic, his mere presence in the train carriage at the end of chapter two draws the reader into chapter three.

So bravo Susan, there are just a couple of observations I leave you with.

I don’t feel I “know” Henry the person through whose eyes we view the lad. We view Moses through Charlie’s eyes and I get both of them but I don’t get Henry yet. He can adapt to “sharp elbows” when necessary, and he is clearly a professional journalist. Is there a way to get how you see his character into the first chapter? It maybe that you don’t feel it necessary and indeed no other reader may feel this but you clearly have the ability to craft characters and I suspect Henry is very solid in your mind’s eye.

You say at the end of chapter 2 that “His attackers had escaped.” This jarred with me. Why the word escape? Your words are so precise elsewhere that this jarred with me. I stopped to think ... a great danger when reading a book :).

I also felt I needed to know more about Charlie’s pain during the beating. How the first kicks won’t hurt because of shock but after that every impact would have shaken him. I am not sure we get the full impact of his pain, humiliation or fear during the beating.


Finally Chap 4, para 2 has “tocatch” is this an expression of the time as with other words you have used or simply a typo?

To sum up you are clearly a writer of great talent and this is a wonderful novel destined rise up the charts. I am going to give it 6 stars and add it to my shelf. I have to read it to the end now to know what happened so congratulations Susan, this is a great success.

S L Stockford ..."Fresco"

S L Stockford wrote 527 days ago

Susan, congratulations. Riding the Rails is a compelling read. Moses and Chavo are lifted from the pages by the quality and confidence of your writing. We learn about them through their interactions rather than having to drag ourselves through plodding paragraphs of descriptions. Other writers should take note of how to let the characters emerge during the course of the story.

The start with Henry arriving at the train wreck is explosive. It carries us through some necessary background of the journalist, the backstory emerging effortlessly from the story telling. There is a Sherlock Holmes quality to the dead body being so far from the train wreck. The reader will want to know the how and whys. This is a brilliant conceit to kick off the book and hook the audience.

Likewise I praise the development of mood and imagery, the heat, the depression, people corralled into their narrow lives by relentless poverty.

Your style of writing is effortless with gorgeous lines such as “It felt like the darkness had eyes.”

The research with the use of words such as “push” and “flipped” gives the novel an underlying foundation of authenticity.

Each chapter ends with a hook compelling the reader to just start the next one. Moses is superbly enigmatic, his mere presence in the train carriage at the end of chapter two draws the reader into chapter three.

So bravo Susan, there are just a couple of observations I leave you with.

I don’t feel I “know” Henry the person through whose eyes we view the lad. We view Moses through Charlie’s eyes and I get both of them but I don’t get Henry yet. He can adapt to “sharp elbows” when necessary, and he is clearly a professional journalist. Is there a way to get how you see his character into the first chapter? It maybe that you don’t feel it necessary and indeed no other reader may feel this but you clearly have the ability to craft characters and I suspect Henry is very solid in your mind’s eye.

You say at the end of chapter 2 that “His attackers had escaped.” This jarred with me. Why the word escape? Your words are so precise elsewhere that this jarred with me. I stopped to think ... a great danger when reading a book :).

I also felt I needed to know more about Charlie’s pain during the beating. How the first kicks won’t hurt because of shock but after that every impact would have shaken him. I am not sure we get the full impact of his pain, humiliation or fear during the beating.


Finally Chap 4, para 2 has “tocatch” is this an expression of the time as with other words you have used or simply a typo?

To sum up you are clearly a writer of great talent and this is a wonderful novel destined rise up the charts. I am going to give it 6 stars and add it to my shelf. I have to read it to the end now to know what happened so congratulations Susan, this is a great success.

S L Stockford ..."Fresco"

elmo2 wrote 529 days ago

read the first four chapters, my usual, it reminds me a lot of a black and while hollywood movie, something you might find still playing on some movie channel, starts with the drama, and uses flash back and a boy's story to fill in the picture, gives a glimpse of the depression and the resulting "hobo" culture, really a profound part of american culture, something kind of lost in today's focus, but whose effects still reverberates, the prose moved well - did not bog down in description or strain to fill in details, artful, i am going to back it

Natasha Vloyski wrote 542 days ago

Thank you for your review. Few people take the time and I appreciate it.

Riding the Rails,
Fiction, historic fiction, 3rd person.

Professional, flawless, compelling and doggon near as good as it gets! Bravo!

This novel about a youngster during the depression who takes to the rails is written with intensity. The author puts the reader right into the scene, to feel the heat, smell the smoke and taste the cigar. It is one of the most immediate works I've read on this site and I'm quite impressed!

Good pacing! Excellent hooks. The pages turn themselves. It's one of those books that reads like a movie in the head. I love that style!

To be backed and high stars! Good job Susan! (if you read my other reviews, you'll see that I'm not the typical reviewer. I do say what I mean and this is really GOOD!)
Raechel
Echo

Intriguing Trails wrote 811 days ago

Riding the Rails,
Fiction, historic fiction, 3rd person.

Professional, flawless, compelling and doggon near as good as it gets! Bravo!

This novel about a youngster during the depression who takes to the rails is written with intensity. The author puts the reader right into the scene, to feel the heat, smell the smoke and taste the cigar. It is one of the most immediate works I've read on this site and I'm quite impressed!

Good pacing! Excellent hooks. The pages turn themselves. It's one of those books that reads like a movie in the head. I love that style!

To be backed and high stars! Good job Susan! (if you read my other reviews, you'll see that I'm not the typical reviewer. I do say what I mean and this is really GOOD!)
Raechel
Echo

Natasha Vloyski wrote 818 days ago

Thank you for your very kind comments. I do appreciate that you took the time to leave a note.

I really like the the world you have created in your story. Marvelous! The style and the pace really drew me into the experience. Thank you for posting it! :o) It is on my WL for when I can switch it up.
Laura

Laura A. D. wrote 818 days ago

I really like the the world you have created in your story. Marvelous! The style and the pace really drew me into the experience. Thank you for posting it! :o) It is on my WL for when I can switch it up.
Laura

Natasha Vloyski wrote 838 days ago

Thank you for your comments. It would help to know if you found this all the way through or if you saw it only in the first chapter. I appreciate the comments though. They help me understand what editing I need to do.

I enjoyed the book. The only thing that did catch my eye that could be a hindrance is the amount of pronoun beginnings (They, He, I, You) and in the middle of sentences. This is not a bad thing just an observation. Best of luck with Riding the Rails. Remember December Gold in your reading and comments.

Ron Mitchell wrote 839 days ago

I enjoyed the book. The only thing that did catch my eye that could be a hindrance is the amount of pronoun beginnings (They, He, I, You) and in the middle of sentences. This is not a bad thing just an observation. Best of luck with Riding the Rails. Remember December Gold in your reading and comments.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 841 days ago

Thankyou. You know I had to laugh. I loaded the first chapter a dozen times after a dozen revisions and the site always sent me an error message. I think I forgot about checking for errors and just tried to get the dang thing up so it could be read. I do appreciate the time you took to point out my errors. It is appreciated.

Susan,

I love this book. The opening scene creates a lot of intrigue as the protagonist prepares his article for press. I noticed a typo, or missing word, in the sentence: "It had been a horrific even for a wizened . . ." In the next sentence, insert a comma after "exposed." The sentence after that needs some revision too. I wouldn't use the word "window" twice; moreover, that clause needs a verb. A few lines later, "injunction," seemed like a strange word choice. You have a double period after "on trial."

Notwithstanding these nit picks, I think the first chapter does a very nice job setting this stage and presenting a character. Moreover, who can stop reading a book with trains and gypsies? Both conjure mystery and inspire imagination. Good luck with this.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 841 days ago

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts and support.

What I found most interesting is the way you tell the story and the pace at which you disclose information. It is so well done.
This is a book to settle in with and have an enjoyable read.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 841 days ago

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I do hope you have a chance to read more and I hope you continue to enjoy RtR.

I just read the beginning Riding the Rails and found it delightful. The introduction of the newspaper article was a clever way to provide interesting details about and develop a protagonist at the same time. I also thought it was clever how he cringed at the grammatical mistakes in his copy. The environmental details are great too, like the cigar or the buzzing fly inside the window. This is good stuff and I'm going to read more of it soon.

Charles Thompson wrote 841 days ago

Susan,

I love this book. The opening scene creates a lot of intrigue as the protagonist prepares his article for press. I noticed a typo, or missing word, in the sentence: "It had been a horrific even for a wizened . . ." In the next sentence, insert a comma after "exposed." The sentence after that needs some revision too. I wouldn't use the word "window" twice; moreover, that clause needs a verb. A few lines later, "injunction," seemed like a strange word choice. You have a double period after "on trial."

Notwithstanding these nit picks, I think the first chapter does a very nice job setting this stage and presenting a character. Moreover, who can stop reading a book with trains and gypsies? Both conjure mystery and inspire imagination. Good luck with this.

Strayer wrote 841 days ago

What I found most interesting is the way you tell the story and the pace at which you disclose information. It is so well done.
This is a book to settle in with and have an enjoyable read.

HenryChinaski wrote 842 days ago

I just read the beginning Riding the Rails and found it delightful. The introduction of the newspaper article was a clever way to provide interesting details about and develop a protagonist at the same time. I also thought it was clever how he cringed at the grammatical mistakes in his copy. The environmental details are great too, like the cigar or the buzzing fly inside the window. This is good stuff and I'm going to read more of it soon.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 867 days ago

Thank you for your comment.I got the idea after spending three years studying the Rom (Gypsies) and their language. I do hope you find the time to read on but I realizze most of us get to two or three chapters and have to move on. Once again thankyou. Susan

Great pitch. Really novel topic focus. Wonder where you got the idea from? Anyhow - interesting opening chapter - liked the news article hook! Best of luck to you!

EmoryWalden wrote 868 days ago

Great pitch. Really novel topic focus. Wonder where you got the idea from? Anyhow - interesting opening chapter - liked the news article hook! Best of luck to you!

Natasha Vloyski wrote 876 days ago

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I will consider your suggestions.

Fascinating stuff. I like the pitch. Every one of those 250,000 was a human story. The despair and hope of it all! And those who left to travel are presumably the ones with the most energy in them. Others who never started out wld have had stories too. In many ways the adventure and enterprise of the travellers is the story of America, within America. Anything is possible, if only you will go out and look for it. It was fascinating to read the old style report also. Today it might be an online snippet or a blog or some such. Would the paper even still exist? I wonder if the headline cld be shapened HOBO HELD FOR LAMBET DEATH ... then hit this hard with descriptions of said hobo in the top five graphs. This might go down well with locals asking the 'who's responsible? question'. This sounds like a very promising read. Watchlisted. Good luck!

Orlando Furioso wrote 876 days ago

Fascinating stuff. I like the pitch. Every one of those 250,000 was a human story. The despair and hope of it all! And those who left to travel are presumably the ones with the most energy in them. Others who never started out wld have had stories too. In many ways the adventure and enterprise of the travellers is the story of America, within America. Anything is possible, if only you will go out and look for it. It was fascinating to read the old style report also. Today it might be an online snippet or a blog or some such. Would the paper even still exist? I wonder if the headline cld be shapened HOBO HELD FOR LAMBET DEATH ... then hit this hard with descriptions of said hobo in the top five graphs. This might go down well with locals asking the 'who's responsible? question'. This sounds like a very promising read. Watchlisted. Good luck!

Natasha Vloyski wrote 877 days ago

Thanks. Please fill free to talk about the weaknessaswell as strengths if you should read on.No one can improve if they don't have honest criticism. I think that's why I review chapter by chapter so that the writer knows what I think. I do believe there is a different sound to the writing between 'American' and "British' writing. But I do like the British way of thinking even if I don't understand all the slang.

its always nice to start a story with another medium i.e. news articles/diaries/telegrams etc, it provides an effective way to bring in lots of information without it seeming like an information overload. uv used an interesting and novel slant here (especially on a site like this) where the protagonist is actually reviewing their writing like many of us would! very inventive and something we've not seen before. after that u show obvious flare; trees burnt like matchsticks etc. also the conflict about writing something that's borning - how many edits before we've all felt like that!!!!!... the dialogue is good too, being british we got a sense for the American 'sounds'. will get into this further when time permits! x

Stuart & Victor wrote 877 days ago

its always nice to start a story with another medium i.e. news articles/diaries/telegrams etc, it provides an effective way to bring in lots of information without it seeming like an information overload. uv used an interesting and novel slant here (especially on a site like this) where the protagonist is actually reviewing their writing like many of us would! very inventive and something we've not seen before. after that u show obvious flare; trees burnt like matchsticks etc. also the conflict about writing something that's borning - how many edits before we've all felt like that!!!!!... the dialogue is good too, being british we got a sense for the American 'sounds'. will get into this further when time permits! x

Natasha Vloyski wrote 888 days ago

Thankyou, that's very kind and generous of you. I understand about the need to find space.:)

Susan, upto ch6 and I'm finding this quite addictive. Your characterization and description of the environment is so well done that it is effortless to read. Love the way that the story is teased out gently, through the article, the interview and as experienced first hand by Charlie. Take it that ch2 is a reworking of ch1 and the additions do make a difference to the telling. A very vivid tale, beautifully told. Backed as soon as I have a space.
Good luck with this
Babs

B A Morton wrote 888 days ago

Susan, upto ch6 and I'm finding this quite addictive. Your characterization and description of the environment is so well done that it is effortless to read. Love the way that the story is teased out gently, through the article, the interview and as experienced first hand by Charlie. Take it that ch2 is a reworking of ch1 and the additions do make a difference to the telling. A very vivid tale, beautifully told. Backed as soon as I have a space.
Good luck with this
Babs

Laurence Howard wrote 888 days ago

Riding the Rails is on my watch list. Laurence (Winchester) Howard, The Cross of Goa.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 892 days ago

Good heavens, that was quite the thorough appraisal and much appreciated. I don't know if I have fans or people read the first three paragraphs and comment just so I will read their work. I do think that your comments are very worthy and I will take care to look at and possibly revise. I think the first three chapters (and the ones agents read) are the most importat. You know if you read something a million times you lose perspective and I think I've read my book at least two million.

Once again I believe that you may have caught the essential errors. Thanks so much for commenting and I look forward to reading more of your work. You caught me out laughing a dozen times through 'Tango.." Keep on dancing..... Susan

Chapter 3

This is good material and I can see how it can be worked up into a good novel. My comments are stylistic and in effect are more of the same and shows that you need to apply systematic attention in a general edit. By the way, the crisp and effective visualisationo of the Gypsy is good and is what is missing with Henry in chapter 1 and should be used generally.

1. High flown style. Why "the pack with the dromedary camel on it" ? Why not " the pack of Camels"? You use words like "behemoth" and "hues" in scenes viewed from Charlie's p.o.v. Do you ever use them yourself? Not often I wager, fair damsel. Keep it natural.

2. Definitely too many adjectives. In a short space we have: "silent dark slumbering train cars" [does Charlie "slumber"? I apprehend not.]; "silent steel behemoths" [Open a can of behemoth food, Liza, this one's hungry!]; and "slippery, rain-soaked gravelled beds" [another smart remark, the details of which escape me at present].

3. Remember that the reader can see. You describe the Gypsy's clothing and it either is or ain't "unusual" if you done it proper, and hence the reader need not be told he wore "unusual clothing". If you need to make the point, instead of making it objectively, you should adopt Charlie's more specific p.o.v. by including it along the with the jewellery as part of Charlie's reaction. By doing so you tell us something about Charlie and not just about the clothes. Remember that: a desription through the eyes of a charcter tells us both about the scene and the character himself - it's a "twofer".

And that's it. I shan't do more work on this novel but I look forward to seeing your new work-in-progress. No dancing this weekend. Shame.

Jim

Dancing Man wrote 892 days ago

Chapter 3

This is good material and I can see how it can be worked up into a good novel. My comments are stylistic and in effect are more of the same and shows that you need to apply systematic attention in a general edit. By the way, the crisp and effective visualisationo of the Gypsy is good and is what is missing with Henry in chapter 1 and should be used generally.

1. High flown style. Why "the pack with the dromedary camel on it" ? Why not " the pack of Camels"? You use words like "behemoth" and "hues" in scenes viewed from Charlie's p.o.v. Do you ever use them yourself? Not often I wager, fair damsel. Keep it natural.

2. Definitely too many adjectives. In a short space we have: "silent dark slumbering train cars" [does Charlie "slumber"? I apprehend not.]; "silent steel behemoths" [Open a can of behemoth food, Liza, this one's hungry!]; and "slippery, rain-soaked gravelled beds" [another smart remark, the details of which escape me at present].

3. Remember that the reader can see. You describe the Gypsy's clothing and it either is or ain't "unusual" if you done it proper, and hence the reader need not be told he wore "unusual clothing". If you need to make the point, instead of making it objectively, you should adopt Charlie's more specific p.o.v. by including it along the with the jewellery as part of Charlie's reaction. By doing so you tell us something about Charlie and not just about the clothes. Remember that: a desription through the eyes of a charcter tells us both about the scene and the character himself - it's a "twofer".

And that's it. I shan't do more work on this novel but I look forward to seeing your new work-in-progress. No dancing this weekend. Shame.

Jim

Dancing Man wrote 892 days ago

Chapter 2
It's fine that you are getting on with the story. Here are some points of style

1. You have to sweat the language more: make both it and the reader work. Do watch the adjectives and adverbs. In para 2 : "prayerful thanks"? Isn't the "prayerful" implicit and in any case does it materially aid our visualisation? I think not. Also in para 2: "splintery wooden"; what does "splintery" do for us? Though not a hard and fast rule, always think twice before adding more than one adjective. Similarly with adverbs. "Staring blankly" - the "blankly" is redundant and a little cliched. "Thunderously noisy" ? Do me and yourself a favour: either but not both. Bear these examples in mind for your next general edit.

2. This chapter is from Charlie's p.o.v. and that poses a problem of language. He is a child and in describing from his p.o.v. you need to bear that in mind. I'm not suggesting that you change your voice, but it is important not to use a high "literary" style (leave that to your Uncle Jim, ho hum). Charlie "wondered with trepidation whether he'd get tossed out" ? No he didn't: "Charlie was scared he'd get thrown out." Similarly Charlie doesn't know the meaning of "unclean": he'd think "dirty". He doesn't notice an "odor" but he recognises a "stink" when he smells one. Do you follow? Without falling into slang (except in dialogue or thoughts) use natural language and ordinary vocabulary. All right... so I don't... but I'm a smartass.

3. With the above in mind, look to economising your descriptions. Wouldn't: "The red ember of a slim cigar lit up his mouth" read more crisply and to the same effect if you wrote: "The ember of a cigar lit up his mouth"/? The "red "is obvious and the "slim" is superfluous information. See what I mean about making the language sweat?

Evidently you have fans for your work, so it's worthwhile attending to these points. I hope my kindly intent is understood.

If you weant to see my writing in a sparer style, there is an example in THE ARGENTINIAN VIRGIN, my last commercially pubished novel with a free sample on my website.

If I'm so smart, why ain't I rich? Answers on a postcard.

Jim

Dancing Man wrote 892 days ago

Chapter 2
It's fine that you are getting on with the story. Here are some points of style

1. You have to sweat the language more: make both it and the reader work. Do watch the adjectives and adverbs. In para 2 : "prayerful thanks"? Isn't the "prayerful" implicit and in any case does it materially aid our visualisation? I think not. Also in para 2: "splintery wooden"; what does "splintery" do for us? Though not a hard and fast rule, always think twice before adding more than one adjective. Similarly with adverbs. "Staring blankly" - the "blankly" is redundant and a little cliched. "Thunderously noisy" ? Do me and yourself a favour: either but not both. Bear these examples in mind for your next general edit.

2. This chapter is from Charlie's p.o.v. and that poses a problem of language. He is a child and in describing from his p.o.v. you need to bear that in mind. I'm not suggesting that you change your voice, but it is important not to use a high "literary" style (leave that to your Uncle Jim, ho hum). Charlie "wondered with trepidation whether he'd get tossed out" ? No he didn't: "Charlie was scared he'd get thrown out." Similarly Charlie doesn't know the meaning of "unclean": he'd think "dirty". He doesn't notice an "odor" but he recognises a "stink" when he smells one. Do you follow? Without falling into slang (except in dialogue or thoughts) use natural language and ordinary vocabulary. All right... so I don't... but I'm a smartass.

3. With the above in mind, look to economising your descriptions. Wouldn't: "The red ember of a slim cigar lit up his mouth" read more crisply and to the same effect if you wrote: "The ember of a cigar lit up his mouth"/? The "red "is obvious and the "slim" is superfluous information. See what I mean about making the language sweat?

Evidently you have fans for your work, so it's worthwhile attending to these points. I hope my kindly intent is understood.

If you weant to see my writing in a sparer style, there is an example in THE ARGENTINIAN VIRGIN, my last commercially pubished novel with a free sample on my website.

If I'm so smart, why ain't I rich? Answers on a postcard.

Jim

Dancing Man wrote 892 days ago

Hi Susan,
You've been so hardworking on my book, I thought I should comment on yours. I don't promise to read it all but I'll try for useful writing tips.

Chapter 1.

1. Although not always done, I advocate an arresting first sentence as a hook to draw in the reader: something discordant that makes the reader want an explanation. Example: "Gypsies derailing trains makes for a good story; it beats lucky heather and fortune telling every time."

2. This is a serious point. It is very clear that the p.o.v. (point of view) is Henry's and there is no chance the reader will misunderstand. You find it necessary to expressly attribute to Henry every word he says or thought he has. We want the words and the thoughts, but we don't need the attribution: the reader can do it for himself and you should only clarify the point where there is a risk of ambiguity. The superfluous words are a drag on your prose which could be much crisper. I suspect this will be true throughout and you need to follow through when you next do a general edit.

3. Generally you are pretty good in not including superfluous adjectives and adverbs but there are one or two that could be pruned, especially adverbs. If dialogue is well-written, the reader can generally tell from words and context the tone in which it is spoken.

3. Henry is bland and under-drawn This is surprising when one considers how dominant his p.o.v. is. From reading my stuff you will have realised that I regard characterisation as extremely important, though it depends on the genre. There are three elements in drawing characters: visualisation, characterisation and backstory. (1) Visualisation is necessary for the reader to be able to see the scene. It comprises description, speech and manners. For practical purposes all characters have to be visualised at the earliest opportunity. At the end of this chapter I didn't feel I knew clearly if Henry was old or young, handsome or ugly, world weary or fresh, a bachelor or married, eager or going through motions. There are hints, but not enough. (2) Characterisation tells us what sort of person we are dealing with, and it is done through clothes, speech, appearance etc, much as visualisation , and not necessarily by directly discussing character. Think of my character "Pennyweight" and how much you know of him from his opening remarks, his hairy suit, his weight and his red hair. Description is full of social and psychological signifiers and the reader will interpret them from his own knowledge. You need attend to characterisation only for important characters and it can be paced more slowly than visualisation. Because you indicate so little, Henry comes across as a boring small-town reporter. He shouldn't. If he is and is not the key character, you probably need to start your book from another point or p.o.v. (3) Backstory is the particular history of the character. It need be revealed only in as much and when it is necessary to explain how the character comes to be in the situation or his thoughts or actions. We do not have a backstory for Henry but I did not strongly feel it was missing at this point. On the other hand, when you characterise him more fully, you may want to support the characterisation. For example, if H is world weary, you may want to say he has been with the paper for 30 years (or whatever).

4. As with the beginning, you could probably do with a punchier close to the conversation with Charlie. Example: "If you don't talk, people are going to think you were his accomplice. In this state they hang you for that." Or whatever.

I hope these comments are constructive and repay your kindness in part.

On an unrelated subject. Simply for fun you might like to look into my HOW TO BE A CHARLATAN AND MAKE MILLIONS. I'm not looking for comment or backings; simply to give pleasure.

Jim
DEATH AND THE TANGO IN MADEIRA

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