Book Jacket

 

rank 798
word count 37285
date submitted 13.03.2010
date updated 20.02.2013
genres: Fiction, Historical Fiction
classification: universal
incomplete

Riding the Rails

Susan Crabtree

Charlie Buchanan runs away and hops a train out of town. It's 1932 and he's destined to meet the man who will change his life.

 

Riding the Rails is a gritty historical-mystery fiction set in the Depression-era. Two hundred and fifty thousand children left home in the 1930's to jump on freight trains, to see the country and look for work, never fully understanding what life would be like riding the rails. Charlie Buchanan is one of these children who runs away from home and from a financially ruined and disparaging father.


Charlie becomes a tried and true hobo of only nine years of age and finds that hopping freights is a rather dangerous proposition. He learns life’s lessons on his journey, facing gangs of youth who prey on travelers, old men called ‘wolves’, railroad bulls ready to beat and maim illegal rail passengers and learns that he’s not alone; he is among many who seek their fortune in a country ‘that is dying by inches’.

He meets Moses Pulani, called by his hobo name, ‘Gypsy’, an outcast even among the hoboes and tramps. Moses has escaped to America to hide among the migrating homeless. After Moses is thrown in jail for murder, Henry Bledsoe, a local reporter, singles Charlie out to ‘get the story’ and unwraps a mystery that surrounds the man.

 
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tags

1932, depression era, gypsies, hobos, mystery, railroads, runaways, thriller

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     Riding the Rails
 
 

Chapter One

 

Headline: GYPSY HOBO SUSPECTED OF MURDER

 

Henry Bledsoe scanned his typewritten copy one last time. The copy boy was running from desk to desk grabbing up pages from reporters all over the city room in the last minute rush to deadline. Unlike the city room in a Chicago where he had spent the past twenty years on the Tribune, this was a small- town paper and there were only a few reporters.  He knew the copy boy would reach his desk in a matter of seconds to take the day‘s news article. He glanced quickly over the article.

 

Trenton Tribune Monday, August 6, 1936      News                    

 

by Henry Bledsoe

     Less then a week has passed since authorities convened a Coroner’s Inquest to look into the death of Quincy Lambert, the engineer of the Northbound Limited, a locomotive of the Sisselton & Banks Railroad. Unlike those unfortunate souls who succumbed to the recent fire and the derailment of the train, Mr. Lambert’s body was found miles from the wreckage of the derailment with suspicious marks indicating the possibility of foul play.

Moses Pulani, a hobo Gypsy is being held in custody pending the outcome of the Inquiry and investigations.
 
     The train driven by Mr. Lambert was on a rescue mission to save the inhabitants of two towns, Norton and Freemont, which were directly in the path of the recent devastating forest fire that burned over two hundred thousand acres of timber and entirely destroyed the town of Freemont.

 


 
          He bit down on the soggy end of a smoking cigarette, tasting the bitter threads of tobacco on his tongue and wondered if the opening was too weak. He wanted the reader to get to the guts of the story quickly. Was it more important to talk about the fire first or the murder, or maybe even the derailment? he wondered. They were all equally important.

He glanced down at the type-overs and the grammatical errors and cringed. He hoped the galley editors would catch his mistakes. He read on:

Many residents of the doomed towns fled as soon as the danger became eminent. Some stayed and tried to fight the fires that were consuming their homes and businesses until they were warned by the town Fire Chief, James McCall of Freemont, that all was lost. Many sought safety in a nearby quarry or climbed aboard the No. 3294 Northbound Limited in hopes of fleeing the suffocating smoke and heat.
 
     Unfortunately, several people died and were injured as the train passed through a corridor of flames that scorched and burned the train on its daring flight. Mr. Lambert was thought to have died minutes short of driving the train to safety.

 

 

Yes, that part is good, he decided.  At the corner of his eye he caught the copyboy come towards his desk. He reached for the sheet, ready to rip it from the roller of the Remington, still reading as he made the move.

     It is believed the catastrophic derailment was due to a failure of the breaking system when fire burned through the brake hoses. Only a few freight cars plunged into the ravine while most of the passenger cars remained on the track, prompting the authorities to predict that the injury and death rate will remain relatively low. However, bodies are still being removed from the wreckage.

     Testimony in the inquest will continue today in regards to the cause of death...

 

He barely got the page out, leaving only the torn corner under the roller and the boy grabbed it and headed for the editor’s desk.

He wasn’t happy with the article but it would have to do. He’d been writing his bits on-the-run ever since he’d heard of the train derailment and arrived at  the scene.

It had been a horrific even for a wizened old reporter like him. He could not have imagined what it was like without seeing the size of the destruction for himself; the twisted metal of a half dozen railroad cars, some with their underbellies exposed lay strewn across the landscape. The outside of all were charred, the glass window panes broken and cracked in most of the windows. He wondered how anyone had survived.

The surrounding landscape looked like a war zone. Trees stood smoking like burned-out matches and the ground was covered in fine ash. Smoke from the dead, burned-out forest engulfed  the entire derailed train, and   rescuers moved like phantoms among the wreckage and the bodies.

He stood with his camera and watched as men walked by him with stretchers carrying the wounded. He didn’t even hear the sounds of crying and moaning or the talk of the firemen and ambulance drivers. He was too stunned.

For some reason he caught himself studying his own feet, thinking how damned  awful it must have been to be burned alive. His shoes and the lower half of his slacks were black from walking in the fine powder of ash.

It wasn’t like him to be dazed into inaction at any scene.  It was true that most of his career he’d lived in Chicago and covered a city beat; which included crime of every description.

He’d won that just through sheer endurance.  He’d grown up in the life of a reporter, following in his father’s footsteps and he knew the drill; get the story, don’t let it get under your skin, don‘t let the other guy get it first; the last was his father‘s injunction. There had been a time when he was young that he’d had to fight his way up the ladder. He knew about death, even gory, horrific death; man’s cruelty to man. It was his bread and butter.

He believed his ruthlessness was the core of his personality, that and dogged determinism. He thought this kind of thing couldn‘t touch him anymore. He’d been wrong. There had been women and children on that train and firemen were carrying stretchers with very small figures covered in blankets away from the wreckage. He turned away from it and strolled down the road towards a nearby lake. He had to get the taste of burned flesh from his mouth.

 

Now, shaking free of the thought, he grabbed his hat and headed out the door. The Inquiry was about to start and he didn’t want to be late. He had competition now. Other reporters were flooding into town even while they were still recovering bodies and taking them to a cold warehouse for identification. As his father would say; ‘time to sharpen the elbows,’ his way of saying, ‘get in there and get the story’.

The streets were crowded with moving traffic, of humans and motorcars. When he hit the sidewalk the feverish heat of the August day immediately engulfed him. The sun was a white-hot eye glaring down out of a cloudless sky. He kept a handkerchief in one hand to use to wipe away at his brow, and then would repeat the gesture moments later. His shirt was soaked in minutes and he carried his coat. The heat was unrelenting, as was the noise.

  The chattering noises, horns honking, and children running and laughing brought the street to life with a carnival-like atmosphere. Relatives of the victims, off duty rescue workers and evacuees of the burned towns flooded the streets.

Henry zigzagged across the street hurrying past a number of closed businesses. He crossed over the square and past the Victorian gazebo that served as a band shell.  The grand courthouse with its austere exterior was the focus of his attention.

The shallow steps leading up to the open doors were a mass of humanity. Men dressed in lightweight summer suits and straw hats, women in their summer dresses and wide-brimmed bonnets crowded the concrete steps and flowed down the adjoining sidewalks. Excited, young boys climbed street lights to view the spectacle.

There were other reporters like himself gathered in bunches. They could be identified by the press badge stuffed in the brim of their hats or hanging from their suit pockets. Many carried cameras and were changing film or inserting new flash bulbs. Henry knew some of them. He couldn’t quite call them old friends since friendship between competitors was never true in his profession. But some of them he’d known since he was a kid. They’d given him a break here and there partly because of the reputation of his old man. To these he gave a nod.

Cops from the local station stood quietly, batons in hand, surveying the area. He thought they looked as uncomfortable as he felt. He knew  they were not used to the crowds, particularly the hobos and tramps, come to town in support of their comrade, Moses Pulani. They were an unwelcome and unwholesome bunch that hung around the alleys and shaded corners just on the periphery of the crowds. They made Henry itch where he couldn’t scratch. He knew the cops couldn’t do anything with them, not out in public. They could drive them to the edge of town at night when the streets were clear, dump them off with warnings not to return. They came back anyway. Henry wished the cops could have done more.

Since learning that Pulani was a Gypsy, a hobo and the main suspect, Henry had been uneasy. He knew nothing of these people other than general mythology. He hadn’t even been aware Gypsies lived in the States. Such ignorance was galling to him.  Still, the fact Pulani was Gypsy was like having manna drop from heaven. It added a titillating twist to his over-all news articles and provided an even more exotic mystery to the whole affair.  That fact alone was selling papers.

Henry could see the unease in the faces of the cops who were small town guys. They liked their town to be quiet and peaceful. They would be relieved when it was all said and done.

Henry studied the people around him and searched for a likely candidate for an interview. The Coroner and the jury were in the courthouse. It was doubtful he’d have access to them right away. It looked like the other reporters had snagged the most likely candidates milling around in the crowd.

               The sea of town folk and new arrivals stood chatting with one another, the white straw hats of the men bobbing conspicuously. The local judge presiding over the inquest had announced a recess that allowing participants time to find restrooms, talk to participants, or walk out of the courtroom for a smoke.  He had minutes to locate a suitable person to interview before they all went back into the courtroom.

His eyes caught a glimpse of golden hair near the center of the city park on the square and recognized the boy near two adults. On his way to the courthouse steps he'd walked right past them, head down, unobservant. His heart gave a little leap of joy when he realized he hadn't missed out. No one was talking to them.

The blond-headed boy sat on the grass. The man and woman stood directly behind him looking almost comically reserved and out of place. Must be the boy’s parents, Henry thought. “You look scared to death, mister,” he murmured, gazing at the man. The man held himself with an intense sort of rigidity as if he were terrified of  being approached. His eyes jerked back and forth as the crowd spilled out onto the parched grass crowding the little trio.
 
               Henry shifted a toothpick into another spot in his mouth and once again started to cross the street, weaving in and out of traffic. His focus was on the three figures, his mind on how best to approach them. This time, as he crossed the crowded street, people parted before him.

He studied the boy sitting on the grass. Charlie Buchanan had been on the train the day it went through the fire and derailed. He was the traveling companion of Moses Pulani, the Gypsy hobo, accused of murdering the engineer.

For all intents and purposes, the boy could be called a hobo, even though he was still a child. He’d been out on his own for over three years.  Henry guessed, Charlie was barely past his twelfth birthday.

Each day as he had wandered through the crowd looking for a story,  he would avoid the hobos camped around town. They were unobtrusive but present.  These people were mostly unnoticeable unless it got up close and personal; like it was now. They had come for the Inquiry like everyone else.  He’d even considered doing a little research and writing an article and entitle it, ‘The American Nomad’. Then he reconsidered the idea and dropped it. He didn’t want to have to mingle with them just for a story.

As he approached the trio in the park, he pushed his hat back on his head and tried to look like a bumbling country reporter in hopes of relieving the anxiety that showed on the parents' faces. He nodded at the boy and wondered why the other reporters had missed this opportunity. It was odd, he decided, glancing around. The family was in a little circle of shade, but hardly invisible and still no one was talking to them.

He looks small for his age, he thought.

 The boy gazed up at him with grown-up eyes shadowed by strands of sunshine-yellow hair. Those overly large eyes were as blue as a cornflower and yet, not those of an innocent. Henry knew that look. He had seen it before.

In these trying times, he’d seen a lot of worn-out folks slowly becoming more frightened, angry and desperate. He’d seen kids with this very expression, who’d grown up all too fast without the time to have a childhood; many whose parents couldn’t afford to let them have one.

The country was dying. It was sucking away at the guts of people, taking their hearts and leaving these empty shells behind. He’d left Chicago because he couldn’t stand the lines of men looking for handouts or for jobs that weren’t there anymore. But he hadn’t escaped the Depression. It was all over the country.
 
            This boy is going to miss his childhood altogether, he thought, briefly recalling his own less melancholic childhood. Unlike Charlie, he’d grown up enjoying summer afternoons where  baseball with friends was all day source of enjoyment, and now and again he’d go to a matinee. It wasn’t like this, struggling to survive looking for a place to sleep or for a handout.

On his parent’s farm in Connecticut, he ran free all summer; fishing, boating, swimming. There was plenty to eat, money for an automobile; his father’s had bought the 1914 ‘Baby Grand‘ Chevrolet new just after he’d gone to college and they had lived in a beautiful country home.  He’d never known deprivation.
 
          Even now, he wore a light summer suit tailored to fit. There were few in the crowd who could boast of having clothes as new. He brushed it down with his palms and stepped up to the anxious man. He tipped his hat at the father making sure the press pass was visible.
 
          Buchanan stood off to the side avoiding looking at his son who was squatting on the cement curb. Henry easily deciphered the look. The father's expression was that of a man who had forgotten he had a son, or who couldn't believe the son had returned. He was treating his boy like the kid was a stranger. Henry also noticed  the boy was ignoring the people standing at his back, as if he, too, thought of them in the same way.

     Henry smiled his charming, ‘I’m-not-so scary’ smile and raised his hand to shake the father's. The man reciprocated automatically neither gauging the hand he took nor questioning the man who presented it.
 
          “Can I have a word with your boy, Mr. Buchanan?” he asked, holding the hand a moment longer than was customary. He wanted to impart trust and reassurance with a firm handshake. “Won’t take long.”
 
     That’s essential, he thought, address the father and ask permission. Be polite. That’ll get your foot in the door. He was no slouch when it came to handling people. He might be working for this small town's paper, but he was experienced. He’d had to be hard and pushy in his time and it had gotten him some good stories but, like his father, his method was more subtle. “Persuade them it’s in their best interest to tell you what they know,” his father would say.

“Does that mean lying to them, dad?” Henry had asked.

His father had stared at him for a long time. “Depends on if you want a story that will be printed or something to wad up and throw away. Just think of it as trying to influence their point of view, get‘em to come around to your way of thinking. Show a little compassion, a little interest,” he shrugged and continued,  They‘ll think you‘re their best friend in the whole world and spill their guts. You don‘t gotta call that lying.”

Henry understood.

It had gotten both of them reputations in the business; sometimes derision but mostly respect and admiration.
 
     Charlie looked up at him and then wrenched his head around to look at his father. Henry watched. The man didn’t return the boy’s look. The son was savvy, the father wasn't, he decided.

It seemed to him that the kid had been waiting for this moment; perhaps had even picked him out of the crowd of reporters on the steps and waited for him to walk over and make his bid.  He felt an odd sensation, like the kid had reeled him in just like a hooked fish. There was no resistance, no surprise when he’d walked up to the family and it was a little disconcerting.

      He could not draw his eyes away from the boy’s and knew  the deal was already struck. The kid would be willing to talk to him. He could read it in his face.

“I’d  pay a sawbuck for an hour in private,” Henry said in a soft voice. He glanced up to see if he'd insulted the father and saw instead the man’s face lighten up. It was a lot of money and the man knew it.

He continued, “We’d just be over there at the café having a cuppa and some pie. What do you think, Charlie?” He didn’t down look at the boy.

The kid immediately stood and dusted off his trousers and nodded, taking off across the street and never looking at his parents again.

Henry watched the boy cross the street, turned tipped his hat to the mother, and discreetly handed over the cash to the father. “Obliged. Ma’am,” he said, touching his finger to the rim of his hat. He could barely see her eyes shaded by her own hat. She was a blond like her son, thin and small. She looked sad. He couldn’t meet her eyes when she finally looked up at him.

He knew he could have gotten permission another way, forcing his way like a wedge between the parents and the boy, but he was savvy, too. The kid might, or might not, take kindly to him treating his parents badly.

Gray, faded, green and white-striped awnings hung over the windows and doors of businesses along the street making the main street look tired and old. The sun bleached the color out of the world and left only drab muted hues of old brick and cracked concrete.

The whole world looks worn out, he reflected as he entered. The thought made him feel tired to his very core.

Part of the building had been transformed from an old general store into a restaurant where a dozen tables sat crowded into the front near the windows. They were sat there to serve the cafe customers and they looked oddly out of place.
 
     Remnants of the store's inventory covered the back wall where shoppers now came in through a delivery entrance to look at the displays of pitchforks and stacked feed sacks. The smell of alfalfa and seed still hung in the air while pieces of straw blew around the bare wood floor.

The floor was stained with spilled kerosene and oil as if the back entrance was also used as a motorcar garage. There were even remnants of wood-spoked wheels and machine parts leaning against the door like someone was using the back area to work on the Model TT farm trucks parked in the nearby lot.

There was a diner farther down the street that could serve a better cup of coffee, might be cleaner and have better service but this was closer and Henry wanted the boy to be within view of his parents. 

He was thinking of the train wreck and the fire and what Charlie had been through as he dropped his hat on the table and pulled out a chair. People had grown tired of the dreariness of everyday life and looking at their own poverty or desperation. As soon as this had all come about- the train wreck and the fire- the whole town had blossomed. And no matter how often he’d seen it happen, the party-like atmosphere to the goings-on never got less bizarre for him. A man’s freedom was in question and yet that didn’t seem to mean much to folks.
 
          The Coroner's Inquest taking place was an example. Dead bodies were still being carted to a local mortuary and others were stored in a makeshift morgue covered in ice waiting for identification from relatives and still people were going about their business as if the circus were in town.

  He shook his head at the whole business because it puzzled him. Why are they having an inquest now? he wondered. Why not wait for the feds or the railroad people to come and investigate and clean things up? Why hurry this up?

Charlie dropped into the seat across from him, turned to the window and also studied the layout of the street. His gaze was fixed on his parents.

Henry noticed a slight tremor in the boy’s hands. The stubby, dirty fingers that lay on the table convulsed into fists.  The boy unconsciously smoothed out the oilcloth used as a tablecloth with his palms. They waited until the waitress wandered over and dropped two grease-stained menus on the table.

Henry smiled charmingly at the woman who wore too much rouge and had dyed her hair too black. He noticed  there was food caught in the black netting holding the whole piled-up wad of hair in place and she smelled of old grease. You are too old to be doing this, he decided, as he waited for her to ask the question.
 
     "What kin I git for you?" she asked, wearily.
 
     “Coffee and pie, any kind you have,” he said, without waiting for the inevitable question and handed back the grease-stained menu unopened. He glanced at the boy. “Same for you, Charlie?”
 
     The boy nodded without speaking or taking his eyes away from the window. The waitress took the menus and left them.
 
     The boy turned to look directly at him as he spoke, “I’m only talking to you cuz you paid. The lawyer told my father that I can’t talk about what happened until I give my testimony.”
 
     He nodded. The kid was setting up the terms of the deal. He also knew Charlie would talk in spite of his father or the lawyer. All he had to do was wait.
 
     “I’ll tell you my story anyway,” Charlie said, confirming his guess.“But you don’t get to ask too many questions and there’s some  I won’t answer. I’m telling you straight out, okee-doke?" He glared at him.  "I consider Moses Pulani my friend and I won’t snitch on him and make it worse. You okay with that?” There was a pause and Henry waited him out because he knew there was more. He was right, the kid continued, “If you’re not, then tell me now and I’ll go fetch that dough outta my dad’s hands and bring it back to you.”
 
         “Charlie they're going to point out that you were on that train with Pulani. Sooner or later you're going to have to tell what you know, to the cops or the Coroner‘s jury.  Might even mean you’d be in trouble yourself. They might think you’re an accomplice. They aren‘t going to take it well that you traveled with a Gypsy and never tried to get away.”
 
     He instantly wished he could have shoved his fist in his mouth. Jesus, why'd I say that! he wondered. He didn’t want to threaten the kid or scare him. He didn’t want to sound like he was interrogating him either. He wasn’t used to talking to kids and he knew he had to take it easy.

     Charlie called him on it. “You wanna go down that road, Mister? he asked, sneering. “Cuz I kin promise you I‘ll drink the coffee and eat the pie and waltz on outta here pretty as you please and not say nothin' else. Nobody's gonna make me say nuthin'.”
 
        “My apologies,” he said. He was being sincere. This had started off wrong. He felt more beads of sweat on his brow and it wasn't all from the summer heat. The soft whirling fan above did little to cool or even move the air around.

He dropped his suit coat over the back of a chair and rolled up his sleeves making time to see if the apology would be accepted. He didn’t want the kid to see weakness but he also wanted some control.  “I'll agree to your terms, mostly. I am a reporter, though, and I think I should be able to ask a few questions. That’s my job.” 

Charlie shrugged and splayed his hands out over the table as if to say, ‘You‘ve heard the rules. Are we gonna play or not?’. The waitress dropped by at that moment to slide two plates of apple pie and two cups of black coffee before each of them. 

He set the notebook and pencil he’d drawn from his pocket on the table and pulled a pack of Camels from his shirt pocket. He lit one and squinted through one eye at the calendar tacked to the opposite wall. It was something to do while the tension between them subsided.

He knew the date, but it was old habit. Four days ago that train wrecked and the engineer was found dead with his throat cut. August 21 1935.

Smoke was still rising high into the sky from the forest fires that had burned through two towns. The acrid smell permeated everything, even the clothes he wore. He’d step out the door of his boarding house in the morning and his lungs would protest. The streets were still hazy with the smoke.

His thoughts wandered to the inquest and once again he thought about how fast they were moving on this. The town, the relatives; everybody wanted a head on a platter and a man to blame and they were moving forward lickety-split. The kid was in the thick of it. 

“Have it your way kid,” he said and puffed on his newly lit cigarette. “Mind if I take notes?” He picked up the Ticonderoga No. 2 pencil, poised to write. He liked the smell of pencil and the way it sharpened easily with the little penknife he always carried in his pocket. He licked the end and opened up his notebook to a fresh white page of paper. He wrote the numbers from the calendar at the top just to be writing something. 

Charlie ate the pie in a few bites and sat with his grubby hands cupped around the coffee as if he was trying to keep them warm. He examined the squares of the tablecloth, straightened the pepper and salt shakers and started talking. “I lit out of town in June,1932, at night. Mama had just cleared the table and my father was going in to read his paper. My sisters and my brother were upstairs.” 

“How old are you, Charlie?” Henry asked, holding his pencil poised in midair over the pad of paper. He noticed immediately how the kid was referencing his parents. It was 'mama' for mother- more endearing, he thought and ‘my father' for dad- cold and detached. Too formal, he conjectured. He respects his mother but not the father.  It was a bit of character analysis he like to indulge in with interviewees. Sometimes he used the information to fill out the story and sometimes not, but it always helped him get a feel for the person he was talking to.

The boy frowned and shoved his empty plate roughly across the table as a signal it would be his way from the get-go. Bledsoe held up his hands in resignation. “Just needed a few facts to get us started, that’s all boy. No need to get riled.” 

“I’m fourteen years old,” the kid grumbled. “Why is that the first question everyone asks?”

Probably because you don’t look a day over twelve, he said to himself and squinted over the smoke of the slow-burning cigarette in his mouth. He dutifully wrote down the number fourteen on his notepad while the boy watched. He knew it was a lie. The boy didn't want anybody to mistake him for a child.

I'll learn the truth eventually, he thought, but the fact that the kid was lying right off the bat was probably an indication of the information he was going to give and it was disheartening.

They sat in silence for a moment before the boy continued. “My father didn’t have a job for two years. We had food on the table, but my mama had to take in boarders. I moved out of my room early on and shared one with my little brother. I think it embarrassed them." He stopped and flushed pink. “We was known for being well-to-do people.”

The boy stared at the table as if reading the oil stains on it. "The night I left I heard ‘em talking. ‘No money, no jobs, too many mouths to feed’. My father was saying. He was angry and I figured he was talking about me. So I lit out. I didn’t want to make it hard on ‘em. Times were getting tougher you know? I think they tried to hide how bad off we was gittin‘, but…” The kid looked at him while he hot-boxed his cigarette. He felt the heat burn his throat and had to squint from the smoke stinging his eyes.

He nodded. He knew all right. He'd been there too, watching as the country folded inwards like an old tin can with too much pressure pushing down on it. 

He’d been one of the lucky ones. He was single, in his thirties, and had no other responsibility than feeding his own mouth, which he could do fairly easily. He’d had no room for relationships, for other people. It was his job from day one. He stared at the boy.

Yeah, he knew many, many families like Charlie’s. He'd even seen kids on the street the same age as this kid and it always broke his heart, although he’d never let on to anyone how he really felt. He’d look soft and it wasn’t something he could afford to do in his business.

He slumped in his chair and hoped the kid wasn‘t wasting his time. I need something new and fresh, kid. Everybody has a story like this. Give me some meat. He didn’t say it out loud for fear of scaring the kid off.

 It’s hard to find a decent story these day, he thought to himself. Same ol', same ol' news. No one’s getting any richer but they sure are getting poorer. It's hard times for everyone.

He was getting tired of writing about the hardship.  Maybe the train wreck and the fire were terrible but it was providing him with something worthy of a headline. Ever since coming to this backwater town he’d been growing weary of the boredom of small town life.

Now because of the wreck, the murder and the terrible deaths of the passengers, the story was splashing across every headline in the country. But that wasn't going to earn him a dime today. Today was a new day and a new news day. He needed another story. He needed to keep his own fire going.  He could only hope that he could hook the kid into confessing to him. But he needed to finesse this and it would take time.

The morning sun beat down on their heads from the unshielded storefront window. It was going to be another hot day without rain. He glanced out of the window at the milling crowd and the sun reflecting off the nickel of the cars as they went by and couldn’t help but wonder if it did rain would it hit the ground like water dropping into a hot skillet. Would it spit and hiss? he wonderedHe'd like to see that.

His mind was wandering and he had to work at pulling himself back. He had been listening to the buzz of a lone fly trapped inside the gauzy glass window, watching its futile attempt at escape. Now he turned back to the kid.

 

“Charlie, lots of kids left home because their folks couldn’t support them. I need to hear about the wreck and the dead engineer. I want to know what you know about Moses Pulani, the man they are accusing of murder. You were with him for a long time. You better than anyone would know what kind of man he is. That’s what people want to know about. They want to know about a Gypsy and how you got hooked up with him. They want to know if you were a witness to that murder. Even if it is important to you, the rest doesn't count.”

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Natasha Vloyski wrote 22 days ago

Thank you Lara. I've re-edited the whole thing although I have not uploaded the edited chapters. Perhaps one day I will when it receives more notoriety. I do appreciate you taking the time to read a little and leave a short note.

This is unusual and a gripping start to an historical novel. There is a lot of meat in it and the characterisations are strong, particularly the thought processes. I haven't read far, but far enoug to back. A good read. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

Lara wrote 22 days ago

This is unusual and a gripping start to an historical novel. There is a lot of meat in it and the characterisations are strong, particularly the thought processes. I haven't read far, but far enoug to back. A good read. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

MC Storm wrote 57 days ago

Read through the first chapter. I like how it starts with the newspaper clipping, nice hook. The story really read well and held my interest throughout. The descriptions for the said era play out well.
Overall I enjoyed the read and hope to get back read more.
MC
Exposed

Natasha Vloyski wrote 70 days ago


Thanks so much for all your thots. You're right that the book needed an edit. I think I posted this well over a year ago, maybe two and I have since had a professional edit done. I'm sure it'll look better now. I will consider uploading the complete text and I thank you for an honest opinion. One doesn't worry too much about typos and such until the book gets closer to the editors desk:). Thank you again.....

OTE] I've now read the fourteen chapters posted and the story is still holding my interest. I think this is very good for the most part. I'm loving the characters and the mystery, and wondering who is after Moses and why, what really happened to the engineer, what if any role did Moses have in the train wreck and the death of the engineer.

This is all very good writing throughout. Two chapters that stand out are Chapters One and Twelve. I've already commented on Chapter One, but Chapter Twelve, when Moses and Charlie and Stick are in the basement of the hotel, is equally memorable. The interaction between the characters, and between the characters and their environment, is extremely vivid and realistic, like you can almost see it.

The story perhaps flags a bit in places, and some of this might be due to its being told largely through flashbacks, such that it doesn't always have the continuity of straight chronological narrative. Also there are long sections where Charlie is telling the story to Henry, and Charlie naturally doesn't have the flair for description that you have. He provides a lot of details of hobo life, and I think that could be pared back a bit. You've obviously done a lot of research and know your subject well, but the reader doesn't need to know everything you know, only that you do know it. The way this whole thing is written, it's as authentic as you're going to get it, and the reader will just know that anyway, because it shows in the characters and their stories.

There are an awful lot of typographical things that should be easily fixed. Backwards quotation marks (which is probably a software issue), misplaced or missing apostrophes, spelling errors where a word is spelled as a different word that sounds the same, changing back and forth between fonts, confusing of their, there, and they're, and other things like that. It needs a good copy editing. There's also these little things like in one place Charlie asks Moses several questions over several paragraphs, and then Moses says something like, "To answer your question . . . ," and then answers Charlies question from several paragraphs earlier.

Is Moses ever going to play that guitar? I would have thought the guitar would have been broken long ago, what with him hopping freights and all, living outdoors in all kinds of weather; and I don't think he even has a guitar case to put it in.

I really enjoyed this. I'm engaged in the characters and story, and I want to know where all this is going to end up. I'll gladly read more if and when it becomes available.

Kevin Bergeron wrote 70 days ago

I've now read the fourteen chapters posted and the story is still holding my interest. I think this is very good for the most part. I'm loving the characters and the mystery, and wondering who is after Moses and why, what really happened to the engineer, what if any role did Moses have in the train wreck and the death of the engineer.

This is all very good writing throughout. Two chapters that stand out are Chapters One and Twelve. I've already commented on Chapter One, but Chapter Twelve, when Moses and Charlie and Stick are in the basement of the hotel, is equally memorable. The interaction between the characters, and between the characters and their environment, is extremely vivid and realistic, like you can almost see it.

The story perhaps flags a bit in places, and some of this might be due to its being told largely through flashbacks, such that it doesn't always have the continuity of straight chronological narrative. Also there are long sections where Charlie is telling the story to Henry, and Charlie naturally doesn't have the flair for description that you have. He provides a lot of details of hobo life, and I think that could be pared back a bit. You've obviously done a lot of research and know your subject well, but the reader doesn't need to know everything you know, only that you do know it. The way this whole thing is written, it's as authentic as you're going to get it, and the reader will just know that anyway, because it shows in the characters and their stories.

There are an awful lot of typographical things that should be easily fixed. Backwards quotation marks (which is probably a software issue), misplaced or missing apostrophes, spelling errors where a word is spelled as a different word that sounds the same, changing back and forth between fonts, confusing of their, there, and they're, and other things like that. It needs a good copy editing. There's also these little things like in one place Charlie asks Moses several questions over several paragraphs, and then Moses says something like, "To answer your question . . . ," and then answers Charlies question from several paragraphs earlier.

Is Moses ever going to play that guitar? I would have thought the guitar would have been broken long ago, what with him hopping freights and all, living outdoors in all kinds of weather; and I don't think he even has a guitar case to put it in.

I really enjoyed this. I'm engaged in the characters and story, and I want to know where all this is going to end up. I'll gladly read more if and when it becomes available.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 90 days ago

Thank-you, I am very pleased to read your comments and praise.
I hope you'll consider reading past the first chapter. I want others to know that your comments are unsolicited and therefore you have been generous in offering your backing and review. Thank you again.


QUOTE] I've read the first chapter. The story pulled me right in and held me. I think you've got everything just right in this first chapter. The first paragraph gives a picture of a busy newsroom and a veteran reporter, then we get a look at the story he's just pulled off his Remington, with its mystery element involving the location of the engineer's body. There's a picture of an American town in the Depression, the lunch room/general store/auto repair garage, Charlie and his parents, the beginning of the interview. I mean, it's all well paced and constructed, with just enough descriptive detail for the reader to get the picture. Very polished and skillful writing. I particularly liked (I'm going out on a limb here because I might be wrong) that you deliberately (?) misused or misspelled two words in Henry's news story; "eminent" for "imminent," and "breaking" for "braking." Deliberate or not, it's a nice touch. Henry probably wasn't an English major, but he's a seasoned reporter. Right off the bat we get a good picture of his character, though we still don't know a lot about him at this point.

I mentioned descriptive details, and I don't mean so much the details of the scenery and setting, but rather the little gestures and things like that, that depict character. For instance, the detached way Charlie's father shakes Henry's hand, the hungry, shell-shocked look in children's eyes, Charlie's movements and body language in the lunch room, the way Henry smokes a cigarette; just great stuff.

The stories of child hobos in the Depression have gone largely untold, but there were perhaps millions of these boys, and girls too, who left home for various reasons but mostly because they felt a burden to their parents, and rode the rails during that era. So far this story is convincing and as authentic as it can be, which is to say it sounds believable to me.

A great start you have here.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 90 days ago

[thankyou very much for the comments and backing. it is appreciated.

QUOTE] Fascinating premise! I should also mention well-written as well. I really think you are onto something here. This deserves to advance.
High Stars and BACKED!!!

-Trenor
The Lords of Invention

Trenor wrote 90 days ago

Fascinating premise! I should also mention well-written as well. I really think you are onto something here. This deserves to advance.
High Stars and BACKED!!!

-Trenor
The Lords of Invention

Kevin Bergeron wrote 90 days ago

I've read the first chapter. The story pulled me right in and held me. I think you've got everything just right in this first chapter. The first paragraph gives a picture of a busy newsroom and a veteran reporter, then we get a look at the story he's just pulled off his Remington, with its mystery element involving the location of the engineer's body. There's a picture of an American town in the Depression, the lunch room/general store/auto repair garage, Charlie and his parents, the beginning of the interview. I mean, it's all well paced and constructed, with just enough descriptive detail for the reader to get the picture. Very polished and skillful writing. I particularly liked (I'm going out on a limb here because I might be wrong) that you deliberately (?) misused or misspelled two words in Henry's news story; "eminent" for "imminent," and "breaking" for "braking." Deliberate or not, it's a nice touch. Henry probably wasn't an English major, but he's a seasoned reporter. Right off the bat we get a good picture of his character, though we still don't know a lot about him at this point.

I mentioned descriptive details, and I don't mean so much the details of the scenery and setting, but rather the little gestures and things like that, that depict character. For instance, the detached way Charlie's father shakes Henry's hand, the hungry, shell-shocked look in children's eyes, Charlie's movements and body language in the lunch room, the way Henry smokes a cigarette; just great stuff.

The stories of child hobos in the Depression have gone largely untold, but there were perhaps millions of these boys, and girls too, who left home for various reasons but mostly because they felt a burden to their parents, and rode the rails during that era. So far this story is convincing and as authentic as it can be, which is to say it sounds believable to me.

A great start you have here.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 98 days ago

Thankyou for your comments. I. Suppose my book hasn't been noticed since i don't bug people to read it.
I also have trouble finding anything decent to read on the site that doesn't involve series killers or fantasy. In which case I would get return reads. I also have searched for an agent for three years. No joy. Ah we'll. anyway, thank you again for a thoughtful review.

QUOTE] This is charming, detailed, evocative of the ea and beautifully written. One of the best books I've read here. Why it has been hanging around for so long I have no idea. I havent read your profile yet (I like to read the story without any influence) but if you havent got a publisher for this (I'd be surprised) self-publish it. Please.
High stars and WL for bookshelf when I next shuffle.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair
I'd appreciate a return read if you have time

Andrea Taylor wrote 99 days ago

This is charming, detailed, evocative of the ea and beautifully written. One of the best books I've read here. Why it has been hanging around for so long I have no idea. I havent read your profile yet (I like to read the story without any influence) but if you havent got a publisher for this (I'd be surprised) self-publish it. Please.
High stars and WL for bookshelf when I next shuffle.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair
I'd appreciate a return read if you have time

Nigel Fields wrote 99 days ago

Hi Susan!
It was good to immerse myself into this world of yours again. Let me reiterate that everything about the era rings true and there is undeniable charm here, such as: The kid was setting up the terms of the deal. I enjoyed this in 2011, as you know, and feel it should be published. My only nit about the first chapter is that today's audience tends to demand shorter chapters--probably the fault of television and movies of late. Constantly changing scenes today drive me crazy. Anyway, your writing is lovely, and I have placed Riding the Rails on my restored shelf. It's good to be back but I am disappointed that there aren't more HF fans on autho.
Best wishes,
John Campbell (A Lark Ascending)

Daniel6394 wrote 138 days ago

Susan:
Very well done. I like your story a lot. Well written. You have talent and it shows. Your story should do very well. Congratulations! Six stars and a place on my WL.
Best Wishes
Daniel
The Makers

memphisgirl wrote 160 days ago

Good writing. There are a few missing words/typos, but you have a nice, economical style, and I was drawn into the first chapter. Thanks for directing me to your manuscript. Good luck.

Memphis Girl (Joli Blon Gone/Drowning Lessons)

Wanttobeawriter wrote 448 days ago

RIDING THE RAILS
This is a good story. The beginning immediately takes a reader back in time when a copy boy grabs the reporter’s paper from the typewriter; a good reminder things of that kind weren’t always submitted just by pushing a button. You continue with good descriptions: the train, the turned out town . . . I like the way you italisize Henry’s internal thoughts; made me feel I was thinking those things along with him. Overall, a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

stoatsnest wrote 496 days ago

Back to Chapter One: See last two sentences in the first paragraph in which the word 'article' is repeated. At the least the second one should be substuted by'it'. The whole thing would be smoother if you condensed these two sentences into one.
If you read the rest with this example in mind you will find similar examples. As it is at present the prose is a little ponderous.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 498 days ago

Thank you for the imput....I'vve tried uploading edited chapters and really had a terrible
time doing that so I believe that some of this was corrected, but I will check again. Those little
things do count when you're a reader, just stops you in your tracks, so I'll try and check it
out. I'm not sure what parts need pruning. As an author you never want to have to prune anything
but if you can give me a hint, that would help, Thanks again, Susan

Good chapter. Just a few points:
'...call me Gypsy...' not 'call me,Gypsy'
called himself' 'Gypsy' not 'the Gypsy'
'Gypsy,hunched on his heels, was waiting for him,smoking' is better than 'The man,called Gypsy,was hunched on his heels, smoking and waiting for him.'

stoatsnest wrote 499 days ago

Good chapter. Just a few points:
'...call me Gypsy...' not 'call me,Gypsy'
called himself' 'Gypsy' not 'the Gypsy'
'Gypsy,hunched on his heels, was waiting for him,smoking' is better than 'The man,called Gypsy,was hunched on his heels, smoking and waiting for him.'

stoatsnest wrote 499 days ago

Definitely warms up as it goes along. The first part could do with pruning.

stoatsnest wrote 499 days ago

Definitely warms up as it goes along. The first part could do with pruning.

David J Baron wrote 501 days ago

Hi Susan

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Natasha Vloyski wrote 502 days ago

At the end of Ch 2 I changed the word to 'fled' rather than escape. I think that fits better. Once again I appreciate your comments. Every little bit helps.

Susan, congratulations. Riding the Rails is a compelling read. Moses and Chavo are lifted from the pages by the quality and confidence of your writing. We learn about them through their interactions rather than having to drag ourselves through plodding paragraphs of descriptions. Other writers should take note of how to let the characters emerge during the course of the story.

The start with Henry arriving at the train wreck is explosive. It carries us through some necessary background of the journalist, the backstory emerging effortlessly from the story telling. There is a Sherlock Holmes quality to the dead body being so far from the train wreck. The reader will want to know the how and whys. This is a brilliant conceit to kick off the book and hook the audience.

Likewise I praise the development of mood and imagery, the heat, the depression, people corralled into their narrow lives by relentless poverty.

Your style of writing is effortless with gorgeous lines such as “It felt like the darkness had eyes.”

The research with the use of words such as “push” and “flipped” gives the novel an underlying foundation of authenticity.

Each chapter ends with a hook compelling the reader to just start the next one. Moses is superbly enigmatic, his mere presence in the train carriage at the end of chapter two draws the reader into chapter three.

So bravo Susan, there are just a couple of observations I leave you with.

I don’t feel I “know” Henry the person through whose eyes we view the lad. We view Moses through Charlie’s eyes and I get both of them but I don’t get Henry yet. He can adapt to “sharp elbows” when necessary, and he is clearly a professional journalist. Is there a way to get how you see his character into the first chapter? It maybe that you don’t feel it necessary and indeed no other reader may feel this but you clearly have the ability to craft characters and I suspect Henry is very solid in your mind’s eye.

You say at the end of chapter 2 that “His attackers had escaped.” This jarred with me. Why the word escape? Your words are so precise elsewhere that this jarred with me. I stopped to think ... a great danger when reading a book :).

I also felt I needed to know more about Charlie’s pain during the beating. How the first kicks won’t hurt because of shock but after that every impact would have shaken him. I am not sure we get the full impact of his pain, humiliation or fear during the beating.


Finally Chap 4, para 2 has “tocatch” is this an expression of the time as with other words you have used or simply a typo?

To sum up you are clearly a writer of great talent and this is a wonderful novel destined rise up the charts. I am going to give it 6 stars and add it to my shelf. I have to read it to the end now to know what happened so congratulations Susan, this is a great success.

S L Stockford ..."Fresco"

S L Stockford wrote 502 days ago

Susan, congratulations. Riding the Rails is a compelling read. Moses and Chavo are lifted from the pages by the quality and confidence of your writing. We learn about them through their interactions rather than having to drag ourselves through plodding paragraphs of descriptions. Other writers should take note of how to let the characters emerge during the course of the story.

The start with Henry arriving at the train wreck is explosive. It carries us through some necessary background of the journalist, the backstory emerging effortlessly from the story telling. There is a Sherlock Holmes quality to the dead body being so far from the train wreck. The reader will want to know the how and whys. This is a brilliant conceit to kick off the book and hook the audience.

Likewise I praise the development of mood and imagery, the heat, the depression, people corralled into their narrow lives by relentless poverty.

Your style of writing is effortless with gorgeous lines such as “It felt like the darkness had eyes.”

The research with the use of words such as “push” and “flipped” gives the novel an underlying foundation of authenticity.

Each chapter ends with a hook compelling the reader to just start the next one. Moses is superbly enigmatic, his mere presence in the train carriage at the end of chapter two draws the reader into chapter three.

So bravo Susan, there are just a couple of observations I leave you with.

I don’t feel I “know” Henry the person through whose eyes we view the lad. We view Moses through Charlie’s eyes and I get both of them but I don’t get Henry yet. He can adapt to “sharp elbows” when necessary, and he is clearly a professional journalist. Is there a way to get how you see his character into the first chapter? It maybe that you don’t feel it necessary and indeed no other reader may feel this but you clearly have the ability to craft characters and I suspect Henry is very solid in your mind’s eye.

You say at the end of chapter 2 that “His attackers had escaped.” This jarred with me. Why the word escape? Your words are so precise elsewhere that this jarred with me. I stopped to think ... a great danger when reading a book :).

I also felt I needed to know more about Charlie’s pain during the beating. How the first kicks won’t hurt because of shock but after that every impact would have shaken him. I am not sure we get the full impact of his pain, humiliation or fear during the beating.


Finally Chap 4, para 2 has “tocatch” is this an expression of the time as with other words you have used or simply a typo?

To sum up you are clearly a writer of great talent and this is a wonderful novel destined rise up the charts. I am going to give it 6 stars and add it to my shelf. I have to read it to the end now to know what happened so congratulations Susan, this is a great success.

S L Stockford ..."Fresco"

elmo2 wrote 504 days ago

read the first four chapters, my usual, it reminds me a lot of a black and while hollywood movie, something you might find still playing on some movie channel, starts with the drama, and uses flash back and a boy's story to fill in the picture, gives a glimpse of the depression and the resulting "hobo" culture, really a profound part of american culture, something kind of lost in today's focus, but whose effects still reverberates, the prose moved well - did not bog down in description or strain to fill in details, artful, i am going to back it

Natasha Vloyski wrote 517 days ago

Thank you for your review. Few people take the time and I appreciate it.

Riding the Rails,
Fiction, historic fiction, 3rd person.

Professional, flawless, compelling and doggon near as good as it gets! Bravo!

This novel about a youngster during the depression who takes to the rails is written with intensity. The author puts the reader right into the scene, to feel the heat, smell the smoke and taste the cigar. It is one of the most immediate works I've read on this site and I'm quite impressed!

Good pacing! Excellent hooks. The pages turn themselves. It's one of those books that reads like a movie in the head. I love that style!

To be backed and high stars! Good job Susan! (if you read my other reviews, you'll see that I'm not the typical reviewer. I do say what I mean and this is really GOOD!)
Raechel
Echo

Intriguing Trails wrote 786 days ago

Riding the Rails,
Fiction, historic fiction, 3rd person.

Professional, flawless, compelling and doggon near as good as it gets! Bravo!

This novel about a youngster during the depression who takes to the rails is written with intensity. The author puts the reader right into the scene, to feel the heat, smell the smoke and taste the cigar. It is one of the most immediate works I've read on this site and I'm quite impressed!

Good pacing! Excellent hooks. The pages turn themselves. It's one of those books that reads like a movie in the head. I love that style!

To be backed and high stars! Good job Susan! (if you read my other reviews, you'll see that I'm not the typical reviewer. I do say what I mean and this is really GOOD!)
Raechel
Echo

Natasha Vloyski wrote 792 days ago

Thank you for your very kind comments. I do appreciate that you took the time to leave a note.

I really like the the world you have created in your story. Marvelous! The style and the pace really drew me into the experience. Thank you for posting it! :o) It is on my WL for when I can switch it up.
Laura

Laura A. D. wrote 793 days ago

I really like the the world you have created in your story. Marvelous! The style and the pace really drew me into the experience. Thank you for posting it! :o) It is on my WL for when I can switch it up.
Laura

Natasha Vloyski wrote 813 days ago

Thank you for your comments. It would help to know if you found this all the way through or if you saw it only in the first chapter. I appreciate the comments though. They help me understand what editing I need to do.

I enjoyed the book. The only thing that did catch my eye that could be a hindrance is the amount of pronoun beginnings (They, He, I, You) and in the middle of sentences. This is not a bad thing just an observation. Best of luck with Riding the Rails. Remember December Gold in your reading and comments.

Ron Mitchell wrote 814 days ago

I enjoyed the book. The only thing that did catch my eye that could be a hindrance is the amount of pronoun beginnings (They, He, I, You) and in the middle of sentences. This is not a bad thing just an observation. Best of luck with Riding the Rails. Remember December Gold in your reading and comments.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 816 days ago

Thankyou. You know I had to laugh. I loaded the first chapter a dozen times after a dozen revisions and the site always sent me an error message. I think I forgot about checking for errors and just tried to get the dang thing up so it could be read. I do appreciate the time you took to point out my errors. It is appreciated.

Susan,

I love this book. The opening scene creates a lot of intrigue as the protagonist prepares his article for press. I noticed a typo, or missing word, in the sentence: "It had been a horrific even for a wizened . . ." In the next sentence, insert a comma after "exposed." The sentence after that needs some revision too. I wouldn't use the word "window" twice; moreover, that clause needs a verb. A few lines later, "injunction," seemed like a strange word choice. You have a double period after "on trial."

Notwithstanding these nit picks, I think the first chapter does a very nice job setting this stage and presenting a character. Moreover, who can stop reading a book with trains and gypsies? Both conjure mystery and inspire imagination. Good luck with this.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 816 days ago

Thank you. I appreciate your thoughts and support.

What I found most interesting is the way you tell the story and the pace at which you disclose information. It is so well done.
This is a book to settle in with and have an enjoyable read.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 816 days ago

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I do hope you have a chance to read more and I hope you continue to enjoy RtR.

I just read the beginning Riding the Rails and found it delightful. The introduction of the newspaper article was a clever way to provide interesting details about and develop a protagonist at the same time. I also thought it was clever how he cringed at the grammatical mistakes in his copy. The environmental details are great too, like the cigar or the buzzing fly inside the window. This is good stuff and I'm going to read more of it soon.

Charles Thompson wrote 816 days ago

Susan,

I love this book. The opening scene creates a lot of intrigue as the protagonist prepares his article for press. I noticed a typo, or missing word, in the sentence: "It had been a horrific even for a wizened . . ." In the next sentence, insert a comma after "exposed." The sentence after that needs some revision too. I wouldn't use the word "window" twice; moreover, that clause needs a verb. A few lines later, "injunction," seemed like a strange word choice. You have a double period after "on trial."

Notwithstanding these nit picks, I think the first chapter does a very nice job setting this stage and presenting a character. Moreover, who can stop reading a book with trains and gypsies? Both conjure mystery and inspire imagination. Good luck with this.

Strayer wrote 816 days ago

What I found most interesting is the way you tell the story and the pace at which you disclose information. It is so well done.
This is a book to settle in with and have an enjoyable read.

HenryChinaski wrote 817 days ago

I just read the beginning Riding the Rails and found it delightful. The introduction of the newspaper article was a clever way to provide interesting details about and develop a protagonist at the same time. I also thought it was clever how he cringed at the grammatical mistakes in his copy. The environmental details are great too, like the cigar or the buzzing fly inside the window. This is good stuff and I'm going to read more of it soon.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 841 days ago

Thank you for your comment.I got the idea after spending three years studying the Rom (Gypsies) and their language. I do hope you find the time to read on but I realizze most of us get to two or three chapters and have to move on. Once again thankyou. Susan

Great pitch. Really novel topic focus. Wonder where you got the idea from? Anyhow - interesting opening chapter - liked the news article hook! Best of luck to you!

EmoryWalden wrote 842 days ago

Great pitch. Really novel topic focus. Wonder where you got the idea from? Anyhow - interesting opening chapter - liked the news article hook! Best of luck to you!

Natasha Vloyski wrote 850 days ago

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I will consider your suggestions.

Fascinating stuff. I like the pitch. Every one of those 250,000 was a human story. The despair and hope of it all! And those who left to travel are presumably the ones with the most energy in them. Others who never started out wld have had stories too. In many ways the adventure and enterprise of the travellers is the story of America, within America. Anything is possible, if only you will go out and look for it. It was fascinating to read the old style report also. Today it might be an online snippet or a blog or some such. Would the paper even still exist? I wonder if the headline cld be shapened HOBO HELD FOR LAMBET DEATH ... then hit this hard with descriptions of said hobo in the top five graphs. This might go down well with locals asking the 'who's responsible? question'. This sounds like a very promising read. Watchlisted. Good luck!

Orlando Furioso wrote 850 days ago

Fascinating stuff. I like the pitch. Every one of those 250,000 was a human story. The despair and hope of it all! And those who left to travel are presumably the ones with the most energy in them. Others who never started out wld have had stories too. In many ways the adventure and enterprise of the travellers is the story of America, within America. Anything is possible, if only you will go out and look for it. It was fascinating to read the old style report also. Today it might be an online snippet or a blog or some such. Would the paper even still exist? I wonder if the headline cld be shapened HOBO HELD FOR LAMBET DEATH ... then hit this hard with descriptions of said hobo in the top five graphs. This might go down well with locals asking the 'who's responsible? question'. This sounds like a very promising read. Watchlisted. Good luck!

Natasha Vloyski wrote 852 days ago

Thanks. Please fill free to talk about the weaknessaswell as strengths if you should read on.No one can improve if they don't have honest criticism. I think that's why I review chapter by chapter so that the writer knows what I think. I do believe there is a different sound to the writing between 'American' and "British' writing. But I do like the British way of thinking even if I don't understand all the slang.

its always nice to start a story with another medium i.e. news articles/diaries/telegrams etc, it provides an effective way to bring in lots of information without it seeming like an information overload. uv used an interesting and novel slant here (especially on a site like this) where the protagonist is actually reviewing their writing like many of us would! very inventive and something we've not seen before. after that u show obvious flare; trees burnt like matchsticks etc. also the conflict about writing something that's borning - how many edits before we've all felt like that!!!!!... the dialogue is good too, being british we got a sense for the American 'sounds'. will get into this further when time permits! x

Stuart & Victor wrote 852 days ago

its always nice to start a story with another medium i.e. news articles/diaries/telegrams etc, it provides an effective way to bring in lots of information without it seeming like an information overload. uv used an interesting and novel slant here (especially on a site like this) where the protagonist is actually reviewing their writing like many of us would! very inventive and something we've not seen before. after that u show obvious flare; trees burnt like matchsticks etc. also the conflict about writing something that's borning - how many edits before we've all felt like that!!!!!... the dialogue is good too, being british we got a sense for the American 'sounds'. will get into this further when time permits! x

Natasha Vloyski wrote 862 days ago

Thankyou, that's very kind and generous of you. I understand about the need to find space.:)

Susan, upto ch6 and I'm finding this quite addictive. Your characterization and description of the environment is so well done that it is effortless to read. Love the way that the story is teased out gently, through the article, the interview and as experienced first hand by Charlie. Take it that ch2 is a reworking of ch1 and the additions do make a difference to the telling. A very vivid tale, beautifully told. Backed as soon as I have a space.
Good luck with this
Babs

B A Morton wrote 862 days ago

Susan, upto ch6 and I'm finding this quite addictive. Your characterization and description of the environment is so well done that it is effortless to read. Love the way that the story is teased out gently, through the article, the interview and as experienced first hand by Charlie. Take it that ch2 is a reworking of ch1 and the additions do make a difference to the telling. A very vivid tale, beautifully told. Backed as soon as I have a space.
Good luck with this
Babs

Laurence Howard wrote 863 days ago

Riding the Rails is on my watch list. Laurence (Winchester) Howard, The Cross of Goa.

Natasha Vloyski wrote 867 days ago

Good heavens, that was quite the thorough appraisal and much appreciated. I don't know if I have fans or people read the first three paragraphs and comment just so I will read their work. I do think that your comments are very worthy and I will take care to look at and possibly revise. I think the first three chapters (and the ones agents read) are the most importat. You know if you read something a million times you lose perspective and I think I've read my book at least two million.

Once again I believe that you may have caught the essential errors. Thanks so much for commenting and I look forward to reading more of your work. You caught me out laughing a dozen times through 'Tango.." Keep on dancing..... Susan

Chapter 3

This is good material and I can see how it can be worked up into a good novel. My comments are stylistic and in effect are more of the same and shows that you need to apply systematic attention in a general edit. By the way, the crisp and effective visualisationo of the Gypsy is good and is what is missing with Henry in chapter 1 and should be used generally.

1. High flown style. Why "the pack with the dromedary camel on it" ? Why not " the pack of Camels"? You use words like "behemoth" and "hues" in scenes viewed from Charlie's p.o.v. Do you ever use them yourself? Not often I wager, fair damsel. Keep it natural.

2. Definitely too many adjectives. In a short space we have: "silent dark slumbering train cars" [does Charlie "slumber"? I apprehend not.]; "silent steel behemoths" [Open a can of behemoth food, Liza, this one's hungry!]; and "slippery, rain-soaked gravelled beds" [another smart remark, the details of which escape me at present].

3. Remember that the reader can see. You describe the Gypsy's clothing and it either is or ain't "unusual" if you done it proper, and hence the reader need not be told he wore "unusual clothing". If you need to make the point, instead of making it objectively, you should adopt Charlie's more specific p.o.v. by including it along the with the jewellery as part of Charlie's reaction. By doing so you tell us something about Charlie and not just about the clothes. Remember that: a desription through the eyes of a charcter tells us both about the scene and the character himself - it's a "twofer".

And that's it. I shan't do more work on this novel but I look forward to seeing your new work-in-progress. No dancing this weekend. Shame.

Jim

Dancing Man wrote 867 days ago

Chapter 3

This is good material and I can see how it can be worked up into a good novel. My comments are stylistic and in effect are more of the same and shows that you need to apply systematic attention in a general edit. By the way, the crisp and effective visualisationo of the Gypsy is good and is what is missing with Henry in chapter 1 and should be used generally.

1. High flown style. Why "the pack with the dromedary camel on it" ? Why not " the pack of Camels"? You use words like "behemoth" and "hues" in scenes viewed from Charlie's p.o.v. Do you ever use them yourself? Not often I wager, fair damsel. Keep it natural.

2. Definitely too many adjectives. In a short space we have: "silent dark slumbering train cars" [does Charlie "slumber"? I apprehend not.]; "silent steel behemoths" [Open a can of behemoth food, Liza, this one's hungry!]; and "slippery, rain-soaked gravelled beds" [another smart remark, the details of which escape me at present].

3. Remember that the reader can see. You describe the Gypsy's clothing and it either is or ain't "unusual" if you done it proper, and hence the reader need not be told he wore "unusual clothing". If you need to make the point, instead of making it objectively, you should adopt Charlie's more specific p.o.v. by including it along the with the jewellery as part of Charlie's reaction. By doing so you tell us something about Charlie and not just about the clothes. Remember that: a desription through the eyes of a charcter tells us both about the scene and the character himself - it's a "twofer".

And that's it. I shan't do more work on this novel but I look forward to seeing your new work-in-progress. No dancing this weekend. Shame.

Jim

Dancing Man wrote 867 days ago

Chapter 2
It's fine that you are getting on with the story. Here are some points of style

1. You have to sweat the language more: make both it and the reader work. Do watch the adjectives and adverbs. In para 2 : "prayerful thanks"? Isn't the "prayerful" implicit and in any case does it materially aid our visualisation? I think not. Also in para 2: "splintery wooden"; what does "splintery" do for us? Though not a hard and fast rule, always think twice before adding more than one adjective. Similarly with adverbs. "Staring blankly" - the "blankly" is redundant and a little cliched. "Thunderously noisy" ? Do me and yourself a favour: either but not both. Bear these examples in mind for your next general edit.

2. This chapter is from Charlie's p.o.v. and that poses a problem of language. He is a child and in describing from his p.o.v. you need to bear that in mind. I'm not suggesting that you change your voice, but it is important not to use a high "literary" style (leave that to your Uncle Jim, ho hum). Charlie "wondered with trepidation whether he'd get tossed out" ? No he didn't: "Charlie was scared he'd get thrown out." Similarly Charlie doesn't know the meaning of "unclean": he'd think "dirty". He doesn't notice an "odor" but he recognises a "stink" when he smells one. Do you follow? Without falling into slang (except in dialogue or thoughts) use natural language and ordinary vocabulary. All right... so I don't... but I'm a smartass.

3. With the above in mind, look to economising your descriptions. Wouldn't: "The red ember of a slim cigar lit up his mouth" read more crisply and to the same effect if you wrote: "The ember of a cigar lit up his mouth"/? The "red "is obvious and the "slim" is superfluous information. See what I mean about making the language sweat?

Evidently you have fans for your work, so it's worthwhile attending to these points. I hope my kindly intent is understood.

If you weant to see my writing in a sparer style, there is an example in THE ARGENTINIAN VIRGIN, my last commercially pubished novel with a free sample on my website.

If I'm so smart, why ain't I rich? Answers on a postcard.

Jim

Dancing Man wrote 867 days ago

Chapter 2
It's fine that you are getting on with the story. Here are some points of style

1. You have to sweat the language more: make both it and the reader work. Do watch the adjectives and adverbs. In para 2 : "prayerful thanks"? Isn't the "prayerful" implicit and in any case does it materially aid our visualisation? I think not. Also in para 2: "splintery wooden"; what does "splintery" do for us? Though not a hard and fast rule, always think twice before adding more than one adjective. Similarly with adverbs. "Staring blankly" - the "blankly" is redundant and a little cliched. "Thunderously noisy" ? Do me and yourself a favour: either but not both. Bear these examples in mind for your next general edit.

2. This chapter is from Charlie's p.o.v. and that poses a problem of language. He is a child and in describing from his p.o.v. you need to bear that in mind. I'm not suggesting that you change your voice, but it is important not to use a high "literary" style (leave that to your Uncle Jim, ho hum). Charlie "wondered with trepidation whether he'd get tossed out" ? No he didn't: "Charlie was scared he'd get thrown out." Similarly Charlie doesn't know the meaning of "unclean": he'd think "dirty". He doesn't notice an "odor" but he recognises a "stink" when he smells one. Do you follow? Without falling into slang (except in dialogue or thoughts) use natural language and ordinary vocabulary. All right... so I don't... but I'm a smartass.

3. With the above in mind, look to economising your descriptions. Wouldn't: "The red ember of a slim cigar lit up his mouth" read more crisply and to the same effect if you wrote: "The ember of a cigar lit up his mouth"/? The "red "is obvious and the "slim" is superfluous information. See what I mean about making the language sweat?

Evidently you have fans for your work, so it's worthwhile attending to these points. I hope my kindly intent is understood.

If you weant to see my writing in a sparer style, there is an example in THE ARGENTINIAN VIRGIN, my last commercially pubished novel with a free sample on my website.

If I'm so smart, why ain't I rich? Answers on a postcard.

Jim

Dancing Man wrote 867 days ago

Hi Susan,
You've been so hardworking on my book, I thought I should comment on yours. I don't promise to read it all but I'll try for useful writing tips.

Chapter 1.

1. Although not always done, I advocate an arresting first sentence as a hook to draw in the reader: something discordant that makes the reader want an explanation. Example: "Gypsies derailing trains makes for a good story; it beats lucky heather and fortune telling every time."

2. This is a serious point. It is very clear that the p.o.v. (point of view) is Henry's and there is no chance the reader will misunderstand. You find it necessary to expressly attribute to Henry every word he says or thought he has. We want the words and the thoughts, but we don't need the attribution: the reader can do it for himself and you should only clarify the point where there is a risk of ambiguity. The superfluous words are a drag on your prose which could be much crisper. I suspect this will be true throughout and you need to follow through when you next do a general edit.

3. Generally you are pretty good in not including superfluous adjectives and adverbs but there are one or two that could be pruned, especially adverbs. If dialogue is well-written, the reader can generally tell from words and context the tone in which it is spoken.

3. Henry is bland and under-drawn This is surprising when one considers how dominant his p.o.v. is. From reading my stuff you will have realised that I regard characterisation as extremely important, though it depends on the genre. There are three elements in drawing characters: visualisation, characterisation and backstory. (1) Visualisation is necessary for the reader to be able to see the scene. It comprises description, speech and manners. For practical purposes all characters have to be visualised at the earliest opportunity. At the end of this chapter I didn't feel I knew clearly if Henry was old or young, handsome or ugly, world weary or fresh, a bachelor or married, eager or going through motions. There are hints, but not enough. (2) Characterisation tells us what sort of person we are dealing with, and it is done through clothes, speech, appearance etc, much as visualisation , and not necessarily by directly discussing character. Think of my character "Pennyweight" and how much you know of him from his opening remarks, his hairy suit, his weight and his red hair. Description is full of social and psychological signifiers and the reader will interpret them from his own knowledge. You need attend to characterisation only for important characters and it can be paced more slowly than visualisation. Because you indicate so little, Henry comes across as a boring small-town reporter. He shouldn't. If he is and is not the key character, you probably need to start your book from another point or p.o.v. (3) Backstory is the particular history of the character. It need be revealed only in as much and when it is necessary to explain how the character comes to be in the situation or his thoughts or actions. We do not have a backstory for Henry but I did not strongly feel it was missing at this point. On the other hand, when you characterise him more fully, you may want to support the characterisation. For example, if H is world weary, you may want to say he has been with the paper for 30 years (or whatever).

4. As with the beginning, you could probably do with a punchier close to the conversation with Charlie. Example: "If you don't talk, people are going to think you were his accomplice. In this state they hang you for that." Or whatever.

I hope these comments are constructive and repay your kindness in part.

On an unrelated subject. Simply for fun you might like to look into my HOW TO BE A CHARLATAN AND MAKE MILLIONS. I'm not looking for comment or backings; simply to give pleasure.

Jim
DEATH AND THE TANGO IN MADEIRA

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