The Summoning of the Three

Hi Robin,

This us a great concept. The opening paragraph does a great job of introducing the mc by name and agem stting the scene and establishing the time period.

After that first grat paragraph, I'm afraid things go downhill for a short while. Where are her parents while all this is going on? Introducing one or both of them into the scene would give you the opportunity to include some dialogue and that is something that is lacking in this first section.

Afetr that first section the story really takes off. I won't say the writing is perfect. There are a few pov issues, but nothing that really jolts one out of the story.

Ron

Six stars and on my shelf , congrats....

Denise
The Letter

i want to back this book again as all things are new...
j

Full stars my dear friend and will stay on my shelf for some time.....you will succeed

Denise
The Letter

The Summoning of the Three - good work and on my shelf. You asked for constructive crit; my only criticism so far is there seems to be a lack of immediacy, especially in the first two paragraphs of chap 1 where sentence structure and some redundancy seem to get in the way of things. There are a couple of real clunker sentences here. 'Although she was used to sailing................' being one I would consider revising. And 'The smell of the storm was tangible..........' might not have a lot of meaning to someone who hasn't experienced a storm, not to mention the last part of the sentence seems to just hang out there. Like I say, good work so far and I like the story line as presented in your pitch.
G
Einstein's Road Trip [I would like to see your take on Einstein, an offbeat urban fantasy, if your time allows. Thanks]

An excellent story and I can see this doing very well with its intended audience. One suggestion is to reduce the number of times you use "had" in your opening chapter. Do a search and you will find it rather a lot. Otherwise I can see no faults here. Good dialogue and pace keeps the reader interested. Backed with pleasure. Colin

Being such a popular genre, I don't think you will have trouble attracting your target audience. I didn't read beyond chapter one, as it is not my usual type of book, but what I read was extrememely well written, with strong, engaging characters. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

This looks like a fascinating tale developing. You tell it well; but you might think about starting from:- Lily awoke. That is a good starting point in that it gets the story going and helps us focus upon unraveling the story. She can recall the storm as she adjust to her strange surroundings, but not in any great detail because that will prove distracting. What matters is that she is here, and why she is here. How she got here is of secondary importance.
I think that will make what is a good read a better one.
Backed.
Oh, and a tip: Never interupt an action scene with back story. Best of luck.

When Lily is summoned to be Queen of Karisia, naturally a crisis of identity unfolds, the prospect of making life and death decisions is to overwelming for the sixteen year old. Maybe the arrival of the magician at the next midfest can alleviate her worries.
Her dilemma over what clothes to wear, or stay steadfastly dressed in her jeans, isn't lost on me, perhaps her identity is already being firmly established, a girl with an independent streak, somebody who can withstand pressure. So what other attributes does she have to warrant being summoned, the 'why' is most intriguing aspect of the Summoning Of The Three. On the horizon there is a war brewing, soldiers are being deployed, this all would be enough to compel me to carry on reading, without the mystery surrounding the reasons and method behind the summoning.
Backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning.

Hi Robin, this is set to blast off straight away, excellent fantasy story, all the go at the moment.
It has some really great description throughout and is a compelling read.
It starts off well and continues to draw the reader into story, it's hard to put down once started.
Pleased to back it and wish you all the best on your way to the publishers.

Many thanks for backing both my books, much appreciated.

regards,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - Series)

Absolutely spot on target for its target readership. Unfortunately I'm rather more than half a century too old for it, but I can see a lot of young teenagers, and even younger children enjoying this a lot.
RT

Summoning of the Three has a great premise, your sentences are easy to read and flow nicely.. I'm not one for editorial comments but prefer to go on how reading a chapter or two makes me feel.. this feels like a rollicking good adventure / fantasy read, sure to be a hit with the YA market - Backed !
Diane
Good Blood

Am happy to lend my support to this, but it needs a bit of work. You've got a great premise and a fantastic MC in Lily. But before we get a sense of who she is, she's suddenly off and running! Consider fleshing her out a bit more before she goes to this new world. Who is she? What's her life like? What does she think of herself? Does she have a boyfriend or can she barely even get a date? Does she have friends? Even offering what might seem like unimportant info earlier than the second chapter helps the Reader to bond with the character and go on her journey with her.

Best of luck with this. :^)

Jonathan
MARTUK ... THE HOLY

This is an adventure story that has good pace and is exciting - children will love this - Lily becoming a Queen overnight is the stuff fantacies are made of. Good Luck KJ.

Ive had this on thewatchlist forever - I did back this and comment way back but finally returned to read the rest of your upload andso very glad I did. This is an excellent book for all ages! I like your smooth writing style and you have a gifted imagination - now my only complaint is I want more!! Backed again - it's that good!

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

I agree with earlier comments about establishing the characters before we plunge into the Big Adventure. Flows well otherwise and some string ideas.
Kevin

This is a wonderful story. I'm not a children's writer or reader, but your writing is compelling. I hope this does well.

The story line is intriguing but for me the characters aren't developed quickly enough. I don't know very much about Lily or James even through Chapter 2. It's hard to relate to them and 'meld' into their characters as a reader. I would like a little more color, a little more 'commentary'. You jump right into the magical part with little fanfare. Granted, I only read the first two chapters. I mean this as constructive and not demeaning. I think you have talent and I'm no expert: Lord knows, I'm no expert. Backed.

Hi Robin.
Just going through a few of my messages and another author said a backing i sent 2 days ago did not get through. So if mine message and backing failed to arrive , I am re-backing you, just in case.
Have you been able to look at chapter 2 of Paperbat adventures yet?
all the best. Jerry [paperbat]

I wasn't sure I was going to like this - I'm not a huge fan of fantasy - but I like the simple way you introduce the transition from sinking boat to her awakening in the new world. It works for me. Good luck.
Lorraine
Mannin Boy

Robin. Not sure if my first comment and back got to you [computer problems my end]. But just in case I am re-senting and also re-backing.
Your grandchildren will hopefully love my book ' Paperbat Adventures'. Let me know if they think it is worth backing!
Jerry [paperbat]

Hi Robin

I like the pitch - I can see how it would appeal to young game players, with the idea of people being summoned to play roles in a fantasy world. The summoning happens very naturally and Lily is a sympathetic credible character, while I'm very curious to know how James seems to be so much more acclimatised than she is to the new world. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

What a dramatic start, the tension building slowly to a peak, then blackness. Can't blame her for what she thinks when she wakes up, 'Perhaps I am dead'. It turns out even odder than that: 'You must rest, my Queen'. Seems she's been 'summonsed'. I'm glad to see Lily opts for practicality and logic, even if she does rebel over the clothes.

Captain James gives her pause for thought, and even more so when he speaks. When he explains things to her, he even manages a touch of sarcasm - more than once. 'We're here, aren't we?' Cunning explanations for why they were mistaken for a warrior and a queen. Then Lily makes me laugh out loud, 'I don't think the Veosians have got very much to worry about'.

She finally tries on one of the frocks, 'That's lucky ... It fits me perfectly'. This seems to put paid to a least part of the accidental nature of the summonsing. Someone of her size has been expected for years. She looks like getting the maid and undercook into trouble, wanting to sneak into the city. At least that is postponed...

The clarity and simplicity of the writing is perfect for a range of age groups, Robin, and yet is still vivid, descriptive and full of life. (BTW you asked for any suggestions, so there are a few below.) I really enjoyed the opening chapters, and would have happily read on even though I am not the target audience. Just as the writing is deceptively simple, so is the plot. It only slowly emerges how deep and detailed the mythology, culture and lifestyle of Karisia is, and the main protagonists' roles within it. I think you should be proud of creating this world, and two such sparky MCs, and the story as a whole ... backed.

Possible nits: 'Losing her balance ... Landing on the', to reduce 'ing's here, consider slight rewording 'As she landed on the other side of her cabin, her head...' Being picky, perhaps simplify this as follows: '...quality of light was different now, clearer.' Either this or mention fire/candles when she first wakes. 'Aaron smiled', he's only been called Captain James to this point so it's confusing to refer to him as Aaron until he names himself a bit later. 'look around the castle ... escort you around the castle', omit last 3 words.

Enjoyed your first chapter and thought it set the scene very well. Children will certainly enjoy it too. I'm not sure about the wet flannel - seems a bit mundane and modern for a Queen, How about a damp cloth? Will back with pleasure Jaye Hill The Fantasy Trip

The summoning of the three
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Hi Robin, i read chapter one and enjoyed it. There's a little repetition when you say she is queazy and then that she is seasick.
'not (all) that long' -- no need for 'all'.
Did she really wish she could just die, or did she want to escape and live?
I liked the dialogue between Ella and Lily and thought the story is developing well.
I hope this is helpful.
Good luck.
Best wishes, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

The computer won't let me get to chapter 2. Chapter one has a magical quality.

The computer won't let me get to chapter 2. Chapter one has a magical quality.

Firstly good pitch but I didn’t think it matched the book sleeve from that I was expecting Chic lit, Romance or family saga., so I will ill prepared for the content but that said I put all of the info I held and read two chapters. I am pleased to say it was an engaging read from the start and thankfully not based in a mortuary. LI like your to main characters and found the story easy to get into and would have happily read more if my shelf was not so stacked up.
Good luck with it Wilma1

Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to take a look.

I like the whole premise of this story and am happy top back it
Gingernut

Hi,
A very good combination of all. Very well written. All the best with your work.
BAcked with wishes.
S. vinay kumar,
The ark and the aroma of peril

A perfect mix of mystery, fantasy and by the end of chapter 1, romance. Very descriptive settings! Kept my attention as a reader.
Carrie
The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

The SUMMONING of the THREE

Suspense packed opening chapter would leave the readers too dazed. Backed.

TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

Robin,
The Summoning of the Three is a magical tale which is sure to enchant young readers. Backed with pleasure.

This is my kind of book, BACKED
KERI KERN

Dear Robin,
This is excellent! Every girl's dream, to wake up a queen. I wish my character, Glory, could somehow drop into your story for a spin as a real queen. So great!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

Please excuse the following message if I’ve already sent it to you. Sometimes I get confused! Thanks.

Here is your chance to get a double backing. My friend, homewriter, and I have similar taste in writing and trust each other's judgment. Back my book and leave it on your bookshelf. Then do the same for his, "The Harpist of Madrid." Once the backings register, he will give you a return backing guaranteed. Just let him know in an email that you've backed my book as well as his. You might have to be a bit patient as we're 6 time zones apart. But you'll have two backings guaranteed on your excellent book. Of course, comments are always welcome too!

A very enjoyable read. I agree with Owen about the mix of Narnia and Lord of the Rings. Children will just love it.
Backed with pleasure.

Dawn,
My Friends and Me / Sammy and the Wise Willow

Interesting premise, has the feel of a younger Chronicles of Thomas Covenant. I liked the set up and pace of her transfer to the new world. Having a fellow person from earth is a nice touch. i would have thought she might ask him what he'd been doing for a year, although that might come later (I read the first two chapters).

I found her dialogue a little unconvincing at times, a little too formal and grown up. Not sure why she would call herself a waitress if she's only 15, isn't she at school?

The pov switch to his thoughts halfway through ch2 took me by surprise a bit. Depends on how you handle it through the book, but might be worth considering keeping their separate pov's in separate chapters.

Overall it's very good,accomplished writing and a page-turner. Backed.

This has a wide appeal and a mix of narnia and Lord of th rings with fresh characterf inhabiting a believable world filled with myriad details that make it distinct.

I like this. It's original and very easy to read, something that will certainly appeal to youngsters. One tiny criticism... when Lily 'thinks', occasionally it doesn't sound quite right. For example, 'perhaps I am dead' is not how a teenager would think. Simply 'Am I dead?' would be better. Just a thought!
Good luck and backed.
Best wishes
Suzy (Raven)

A gripping fantasy journey filled with surprises. Fascinating characters. Excellent dialogue and narrative. Backed.

I read the first couple of chapters andvery much enjoyed what you've done. I couldn't help but wonder the age group this book in intended to attract. With the length thus far and the vocabulary used, I guess the middle school years, perhaps even as young as 10.Anyway, this is well done and I wish you the best of luck.

Backed this a day or so ago, sorry for the late comment.

Natalie

You have crafted a most engaging storyline, teenagers transported to a strange new world filled with adventure. Your use of short paragraphs and crisp dialogue keeps the pace of your story flowing nicely. Your character development of Lily and Aaron is well done and your imaginative writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to your intended audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I think your story line is well pitched for the target reader but I'm not sure about some of the language you use. The dialogue is fine since it reveals the speaker but the authorial voice is sometimes a little pedantic e.g. "frequently aired", this isn't really likely to appeal to the teenscene. The sucess of Harry Potter and Charlie Fletcher's Stone Heart series (if you haven't read the later I'd thoroughly recommend it for anyone wanting to write for the 12+ age group) lies in their ability to get inside the young mind. Even Jacki Wilson might be a help to potential writers for young people.
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Oh and just wanted to say that when your book gets to my local store , I will purchase it
Denise
The Letter

You are totally fantastic, Robin! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Robin,
I started reading this book a while ago and now finished, ( well as much as I can, till you post more)and backed it. However I cannot find the backing. I have spent time looking and no. I think your book is worth taking the time to do it again so here goes.
I am backing this again. great read, well crafted.
The VERY best of luck Robin
Denise
The Letter

I am backing this book on the strength of the read which I found impressive enough to back. The problem is that while my Talent spotter ranking sank below one hundred I have been inundated with requests to read. If you require detailed comments please message me otherwise I was proud to back you and will watch with interest. Cheers for now. BACKED.

a fantasy novel written well and original. our hero is from 'our' and travels to another. done before, but can be done again. touch of editing still needed, and l'm sure you can see that as you continually read over your book; on watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Hi Robin
I loved the idea of Lily waking up in a new land and being summoned. You develop the plot cleverly although I thought you could have made more of the storm. This is full of adventure and action and the tone of the language is perfect for the genre. I'm sure kids will love it.
DP Walker
Five Dares