Structure

Your pitch is polished and it pulled me in. Your writing is soothing, I found myself entrench in the sentences and floating from paragraph to paragraph. It is massive and contains your world, your Alice in Wonderland-Wizard of Oz. You have created your own history, culture, and rules. This is storytelling at it best.
Best of luck my friend
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

This is a very imaginative book. Your pitch is a great hook, promising exciting developments as Michael gets trapped in his own creation. Your opening chapter builds up considerable tension, as Michael waits for Gabi, and in the end goes on without her. You drop hints through Michael's thoughts about the events which have led up to this minute, and there are many elements, like the disappearance of Lucy, which draw us in to want to find out what's going on. When Michael goes to Rome11, and sees what he thinks is Lucy through his semi-consciousness, the excitement grows. This is a gripping book, hard to stop reading. You write well, in a smooth narrative style with authentic sounding dialogue; and your characters, especially Michael, are believable and complex. Possibly your chapters are over long for a fast moving book, and you might consider splitting them. But this is a very readable, original book, which fans of its genre will love. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Peter, I'm no expert on SF, or on anything else, but I'm looking at your work as a reader and can see your obvious ability as a writer. You need a cover to do the book justice of course, but the pitches are well presented and work very well. 'the company that he help found' should be 'the company that he helped found,' just a typo. 'helped to found' may be the best choice, reading it again. It's a fascinating premise and any SF devotees will be rushing to read this one.
I've glanced at your previous comments and I'm not sure I agree about chapter lengths being excessive. This genre can take a few liberties that would be de rigeur elsewhere and your writing style doesn't involve long blocks of text or relentless explanations and info dumps. You use short paragraphs, many switches of time and place, appropriately given the nature of the story, and this keeps the interest alive. I've rarely seen so many 'hooks' to keep the reader's attention. Common enough as chapter endings, you use them throughout the narrative, that's clever and very effective.
I've read three chapters now and your imagination has certainly been given a free rein in this novel. Very well written, cleverly constructed and with a plot that takes the reader on a huge mind trip, this is very good indeed.
Jared

An excellent synopsis for a fully imagined future in the tradition of Philip K. Dick, Marge Piercy and Alfred Bester. The core of this brave new world, or in this instance, worlds, has obviously been constructed with great attention to detail and the half-familiar terms for everyday objects in Michael’s time suggest development from seeds sown in our own. With intriguing threads drawing together and the unease surrounding what has become of Michael’s fellow architects, or what, perhaps, they have become, the opening chapters of Structure promise a substantial and absorbing read.

Hi Peter,
I thought your book sounded interesting and unusual, so here I am to have a good read and leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1:

Intriguing start. It's almost like a creation myth for the modern age. What is The Structure, I wonder? It's obviously been manufactured. What purpose does the structure have? And who is Michael, really? There are lots of fascinating questions here. I almost have to read on. ;)

I've a little suggestion here. I think it's sometimes best to avoid gerunds in certain situations as they can make actions appear simultaneous when they aren't. eg in "Opening his eyes, he looked up towards..." it's implied the actions happen simultaneously. I think "He opened his eyes and looked up towards..." would give a clearer picture of events.

Reading on... While the description you give here of the RaH is sparse, I think you do a great job of conjuring in my mind the picture of something imposing and vast. I really get the sense of power and domination. Cleverly done ;). I wonder how this company came to have such power, and I get the nasty feeling the power isn't exactly 100% benign ;). Chilling. Brrr.

I've a really small nitpick here. When you say something like "His eyes lingered.../His eyes dropped..." it sounds like they're disconnected from the body and wandering about on their own ;). I think something like "He stared for a moment.../He looked down..." would work better in these 2 cases. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm it seems Gabi's late. Has something bad happened to her? I hope she's OK. Uh oh there are hints of what sounds like terrorists: Gaia fundamentalists. But there's been no news of an incident, so it couldn't be that. I find his reactions interesting when he seems so nervous about searching the nets. Something's strange here. Why would he be so worried about such an everyday activity? Is he being hunted, perhaps?

Hmmm I'm intrigued by mention of this storm. Was the event a natural thing, a glitch or a manufactured act of sabotage? Whatever it was, it sounds pretty extreme. I think The Company were stupid to downplay it. This could be v serious. I'm starting to think Michael has good reasons for being in such a worried state. After all, it's not paranoia if they really are out to get you. ;)

I find all the ongoing information about The Structure fascinating. Seems like this thing's a sort of artificial reality, initially made as a recreational thing. But now, it looks like it's been opened to mass migration. No wonder Michael's worried about it being stressed to destruction. It never would have been designed to handle such numbers. And there does seem to far too much that's still unknown about the chaos.

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, generally, it's best to avoid adverbs as a strong verb almost always does a better job than a verb-adverb pair. eg in “...being gently nudged forward..." the verb describes the action perfectly as a nudge is gentle, so I think the adverb's not needed at all. I'd suggest simply “...being nudged forward...". I only ever use an adverb when there isn’t a verb that completely describes the meaning I want to convey. Increasingly, I think a large part of writing comes down to just picking verbs. ;)

Reading on... Hmmm when he checks the nets, it looks like there’s nothing that could account for Gabi’s delay or cessation of travel. The mystery deepens. What on Earth has happened to her? Uh oh, when he goes back to wait for her, it looks like a group of kids are out cause trouble. This can’t end well for Michael. He could get badly beaten or, even worse, the disturbance could mean he gets noticed. By this time, I get the impression attracting notice is the last thing he wants. ;)
1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "Michael was startled" is you telling the reader a fact. It's a bit like lecturing them. If, instead, you wrote something like "Michael blinked/gasped/recoiled" you'd be showing the reader his shock through action. The readers can then infer the meaning for themselves. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on… I was shocked when the huge man came to such an abrupt and violent end. This future is obviously far darker than I realised. The follower unit was a gross overreaction. Scary. And it looks like the action will have alerted others of his location. Even scarier! Ah but he finds a great way to slip the drone. Clever. ;)

Hmmm we soon leave learn he was v involved in the creation of this structure. No wonder he obsesses about it so. I think, in a sense, he may have a better understanding of this whole strange system than anybody else. Worrying. It means his predictions of disaster are probably more than just paranoia.

Hmmm he soon makes it to the module. It seems he’s detected, but his passage is passed off by the duty officer as a blip. Lucky for Michael. ;)

Aha then he gets to Lucy. Is this real? Is it a dream? Things seem desperate and confused. I think this might be because he’s been disconnected. I wonder, what will this mean for his future?

The section at the end of the chapter’s ominous. While the birds have flown, I get the feeling The Company will stop at nothing to get what they want. I shudder to think what will happen next. ;)

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. Sorry, I think I got carried away by your story. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with mystery and tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store.

I've rated your book as highly as possible with 6 stars, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

Hi Peter. While SF is not exactly my cup of tea, your pitch drew me in. I did enjoy your writing style and wordsmithing, also the tension, present through out the chapters I read. The internal dialogue, as your MC’s thoughts, help endear the character with the reader. The dialogue has a realistic ring to it. One suggestion. You have the MC thinking, you relay that to the reader and then come back and redo it as dialogue using the same wording.
What did she mean…. One piece?
He looked at her.
“What do you mean?” He finally asked.
“Maybe use instead “Could you be more specific?
Small grammar (punctuation problems…nothing a good editing won’t fix.
I like the strong voice. Great job.
Will be on my shelf as soon as I make a spot for it (later today).
Good luck.
Dan

I really liked the imagery that you had first of all, reminding me of aeonflux and the matrix all rolled into one. I thought that it was fantastic story telling.(I only read chapter one so far) I will say that there were a few spots in the beginning that I had to go back and reread to make sure I understood what was happening. I think you had one or two typos but I wasn't sure if they were, i forget the word, culture/country oriented. "manoeuvred" really struck me. Anyway, sorry if I pointed out things others already have. I will definitely continue reading!
-Anna

Thanks for uploading the latest 6 chapters. I really enjoyed reading them. The story continues to be interesting and the mysteries continue to pile up and pull one along. I shall wait patiently for the rest ... !

Hi Peter,

This certainly kept me on my toes. I felt a little out of my depth and had to read the first half of the first chapter twice. That's not to say it isn't brilliant. My thoughts are; the spacing added simplicity to the world that you created- good for me, I like the pace and felt a sense of emergency from the start, I woild have liked you to paint more of a picture at the beginning. I personally could have done with some more spoon feeding, but that's just me I think. All in all, to be admired.

Bec (Find Mark)

the pitch is fantastic, but the prose was so repetitive and disjointed I never finished the first chapter. sorry.

This is the best SF story I have read on here so far. I couldn’t work out what the hell was going on – even after 6 chapters (!) ... which is good for this kind of story where you’re dropped into a future with its novelty and unfamiliar jargon. Bit by bit the reader has to piece it all together as the author drip-feeds just the right amount of information. The mystery of it all keeps one reading.
One thing that might improve it would be to tighten up the start where there are too many “Thinks” and the like. I think this section could be shortened a little to get the reader into the story sooner. Also, the whole thing needs a bit of a proof-read as there are many typos, misplaced or missing apostrophes, etc. My favourite typo was: “strong arms wrapped themselves around his waste” – which, when you think about it, just makes you go “Ooh, yuk!” Presumably you mean “waist”. Then, in Ch.5, Liza sees Cretus, and he comes down to talk to her; but a few sentences later he has become Tritus. Ch.5 also contains some text in red font, for some reason.
I can’t comment generally as I am well out of touch with current SF and don’t know how this compares, but I found it a gripping read and really enjoyed it.

Smooth read - not my normal cup of tea but the writing is overall very good. I do wish you could cut back on the use of the adjectives though - it reads a touch forced.

Peter,

I started reading your Opus and I thought I would give you my cent and a half before the Rah takes it a way...lol
The premise of a virtual reality that gets out of control is a relevant one. Obviously, the frame that comes to mind is the Matrix and Spielberg's AI

I assume that since you posted an incomplete manuscript you are interested in a critique of the style rather than climbing the ranks

So let me oblige:

This first thing I noticed is missing is the original landscape shot; there is a reason why 30% of the budget in a science fiction movie goes out the window in the first 5 minutes. That is, you have to seduce the reader with the alternative reality, one he has never seen before. He has to see it, so you have to paint it. Think of the opening of 2010. You need the landscape shot that says to the reader:

Come....this is the world you will be living in for the reminder of the book

Now I like the way you are spacing language at the beginning:

"What a ....

Is important when you introduce the reader to a new reality that he gets breathing space.

I also like the precision of language. It grounds the reader. Something that Michael Crichton did very well

The use of italics for flash backs also works.

"He paused for a moment......."

The emotional map of the main character is brought to bear early on, something many science fiction writers usually miss: either because they want to move the plot or because they just don't know how to do it (i.e. here Crichton is a negative example). This is particularly important if the premise of the plot is that of a character that gets trapped in a reality of his own making. My guess, and this not having read the whole thing, is that the emotional map of the main character will be as important as the plot. Thus, how you "SHOW" rather than describe these, will be paramount.

Some minor/minorest/minormost points:

The descriptions need some working:

"As the crow flies......"

Here you need image based language. You keep naming things (i.e. 'translucent columms' 'high vapors' 'the module') without giving the reader a mind image to hold on to; what image comes to mind when you say 'the module'? None. You want to paint a reality rather than describe it for, the reader has never seen this. Thus, before he understands it, he needs the mind image that opens up the picture. They are what makes science fiction work...... or not.

Look how JK Rowlings paints Harry Potter's world.

Finally, there is the word migrant. Science Fiction works best when is a metaphor of a current social reality. The trick however is how to keep the present at a distance so as to create an 'immersive' alternative reality. The word migrant is too close to immigrant, which of course brings it right to the present. That is not what you want. You want to keep your distance from the present, while evoking it.

Hope it helps. If it does, feel free to come back when/if you need a second opinion about a style issue

Overall this is wonderful, 6 stars

david

Peter,
From what I read, this is quite a story. It is difficult to create an entire world, let alone many of them, yet you have done so well. You give us just enough information to carry us on, enlightening us on the world as we progress. During a few instances, I felt like a bit more information about the world might be helpful, but was unnecessary. Great job! I made a few comments about simple typos and such. Good luck with this and thanks for shelving Invisible Dawn.

Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

Peter,
From what I read, this is quite a story. It is difficult to create an entire world, let alone many of them, yet you have done so well. You give us just enough information to carry us on, enlightening us on the world as we progress. During a few instances, I felt like a bit more information about the world might be helpful, but was unnecessary. Great job! I made a few comments about simple typos and such. Good luck with this and thanks for shelving Invisible Dawn.

Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

Dear Peter
Your book inspires and threads a fine path. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is unique and offers up a treat. It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn. Beyond 2012.

Peter, I read that first chapter and agree--you can write. Good job overall. I can't nitpick anything really. Just one or two things I'd phrase differently. For instance, where you write: Possibilities flooded through his mind, I'd write: Possibilities flooded his mind.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Hi Peter, This has difficult concepts but the way it’s written kept bringing me back to the main idea of the Structure and I liked it when Michael admired the coils on the ceiling. The story really starts moving when the strange people run into him and he’s dealing with things going wrong. It has a surreal feeling and an interesting perspective on Reality! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

You've created a new world here and it feels solid and complex, totally believable. The first chapter is full of tension as Michael waits for Gabi and wonders what he should do. There are hints that something is breaking down, that there are unexpected faults in the system. I was reminded of the short story by E. M. Forster, "The Machine Stops."
You develop the mystery in the first couple of chapters...what has happened to Lucy and the research station, what is going wrong with the Structure and what will Michael find in the void? There's a lot going on and a lot to discover.
This isn't my usual type of book, but I can see you write well and your plot is complicated and carefully planned. I will BACK this later today (after a bookshelf reshuffle!)
Good luck with your writing.
Cherry G. "Sister: One Woman's Journey through the Trojan War"

Good pitch taht draws you into a very original idea. A strange world with good imagery, structure and dialogue. It's almost as if God took a holiday. recommended.

Your pitch is polished and it pulled me in. Your writing is soothing, I found myself entrench in the sentences and floating from paragraph to paragraph. It is massive and contains your world, your Alice in Wonderland-Wizard of Oz. You have created your own history, culture, and rules. This is storytelling at it best.
Best of luck my friend
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Peter,

Structure - the title and the pitch ... he himself a living fiction ... drew me to explore the story.
Michael's thought process works well, eerie and intriguing, catching the reader's curiosity as to what is going on. And the writing flows. In addition I find the concepts compelling.

Backed with pleasure. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

The writing is excellent and the story compelling. Even though it's not my usual thing, I found myself enjoying it!!
What more can I say? Best of luck.

Peter, this is the classic sci-fi I love. I could so get into this! As I read, I had memories of the worlds Arthur C. Clark created.
I looked carefully at your writing and found it nit free. Out of all of chapter one, I found only one missing comma.
There are deep threads hinted at in chapter one, and I so want to read this in more depth. Will return after my edit to read more.
Happily Backed!
Paul
We've Seen the Enemy

Brilliant writing, a imaginative, thought-provoking book. It's easy to become addicted to reading such as this, even if it isn't one's usual genre. On my shelf.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

You know, when I got to the line about things that are "still functioning back in the The Reality," I had to laugh. Just today I got debited twice for the same charge by the Bureau of Motor Vehicles. To quote you again, "It was a mystery."
Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Brilliant writing, backed. Hope you'll read mine.

Good writing, good story. My only suggestion would be to go back and look at the "had" problem...i,e. using the word "had" when it's not needed. Places where it could be taken out and still mean the same thing.

Lockjaw

Hi Peter,
This is a very well thought out and excellently executed premise. Your writting is clear and brings the story to life, which is no mean feet considering it's complexity. I feel I may return soon to sample some more, but what I have read so far is enough to know that it is well deserving of shelf space.
Good luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Not normally my genre, but I loved this idea - and the book itself did not disappoint. Well done and backed. Cynthia Drew, Tabernacle

All of us wish on some days we could escape to an alternative universe. This story is a good read because it speaks to the axium "Be careful what you wish for - that alternative could be worse than what you know". Your writing style is good for this type of book; you describes scenes thoroughly so a reader always knows where he is and what things look like - but don't use so much description it slows down the read. well done. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This book has a very fluid style. Dialogue is well used, and a good story- must read more though. On watchlist..SU DAN [SEASONS]

You have an amazing imatination. This book is very creative and an enjoyable read. I absolutely love the cover. Backed!

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Hi Peter
A really great start. I'm not usually a Sci Fi reader but I read more than I'd expected. I thought from the pitch, I might get lost, but it was pretty easy to follow. Good luck with it,
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Peter, I like the premise. Lots of potential.
I'm no Terry Pratchett but a several things jumped out at me in your first chapter.
Lots of 'had' in the first few sentences. Also, I was advised to use 'I'd' instead of 'I had', easier to read. I know uploading tends to seperate one's sentences but I would try and string more of your narrative together rather than the heavy use of single word comments.
Lastly, I was confused by your use of italic. I use it to indicate my characters thoughts. I'm not sure what you're using them for!

Good luck with it, Mike.

Well pitched and it hooks quickly. I found the story imaginative, compelling, and very well told. Shelved.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

The idea reminds me of a book called "Sphere," by Crichton. But this seems a bit more for the mind, a bit more individual for the protagonist. Interesting, I have a sci-fi thriller called Time Dilatation, come and check it out, it is non stop action.
Good pitch.

I Liked This Book - and as you can see from my bio, I don't say that about just everything. This is not normally a genre I read, but I have backed this with pleasure. All best with it, Cynthia Drew, Tabernacle

This is a very imaginative book. Your pitch is a great hook, promising exciting developments as Michael gets trapped in his own creation. Your opening chapter builds up considerable tension, as Michael waits for Gabi, and in the end goes on without her. You drop hints through Michael's thoughts about the events which have led up to this minute, and there are many elements, like the disappearance of Lucy, which draw us in to want to find out what's going on. When Michael goes to Rome11, and sees what he thinks is Lucy through his semi-consciousness, the excitement grows. This is a gripping book, hard to stop reading. You write well, in a smooth narrative style with authentic sounding dialogue; and your characters, especially Michael, are believable and complex. Possibly your chapters are over long for a fast moving book, and you might consider splitting them. But this is a very readable, original book, which fans of its genre will love. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Definitely backed.

Catherine (The Golden Thread - love to hear your comments when you get a chance...)

High quality writing and a fascinating read with a kind of Matrix like quality to it. I seem to be inside Michael's head the whole time, but I have the uneasy feeling of knowing nothing about where he is or what he's up to, who Gabi is and why he is trying to find her. And while I don't feel out of my depth, as many of your commentators seem to, your coverage of the structure and what it represents was too sketchy, perhaps. Perhaps it's all about mind control, like 1984. My suspicion is that Micael wants to sabotage the place but I'm not sure why. You may need to trust your readers with a little more information or lose them to the frustration of not knowing enough and the feeling of being manipulated in their efforts to find out more.

Little out of my depth with this one, however I easily recognise the quality of your writing.
One early point, just look at the descriptive sensory narrative when you are setting the first scene, it’s a tiny bit quiet.
Your narrative explains everything you need to know to ground the reader in time and place (not often happens in this genre) making this not only easy to follow, it makes it soooo easy to read
As I said earlier, this is quality, so much so. I will read all 6 – Good luck with this (although I guess you won’t need it).

Awesome read that engagws the reader from the first word. C W Shelved.

Awesome read that engagws the reader from the first word. C W Shelved.

Peter, I'm no expert on SF, or on anything else, but I'm looking at your work as a reader and can see your obvious ability as a writer. You need a cover to do the book justice of course, but the pitches are well presented and work very well. 'the company that he help found' should be 'the company that he helped found,' just a typo. 'helped to found' may be the best choice, reading it again. It's a fascinating premise and any SF devotees will be rushing to read this one.
I've glanced at your previous comments and I'm not sure I agree about chapter lengths being excessive. This genre can take a few liberties that would be de rigeur elsewhere and your writing style doesn't involve long blocks of text or relentless explanations and info dumps. You use short paragraphs, many switches of time and place, appropriately given the nature of the story, and this keeps the interest alive. I've rarely seen so many 'hooks' to keep the reader's attention. Common enough as chapter endings, you use them throughout the narrative, that's clever and very effective.
I've read three chapters now and your imagination has certainly been given a free rein in this novel. Very well written, cleverly constructed and with a plot that takes the reader on a huge mind trip, this is very good indeed.
Jared

I am out of my element in this genre but good writing is good writing and you do sell this story to us in the pitches which is necessary for the casual reader. I prefer the originality of the story myself. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

A terrific premise to this really well written story.

Very polished, highly backable, therefore...

Melxx

I'm not a reader of sci-fi, but I've read a lot on here because we're supposed to be commenting on the quality of writing rather than personal taste. This I could read from choice because I recognise and feel for the people. I think sci-fi fans will love it too, more than those that deal with outlandish names and entities, because it's so convincing you can almost believe it's prophetic. Fascinating. backed. Lynn

I read the first couple of chapters and you have a great imagination. I found this to be creative, interesting and the characters come across well. Backed for now and I will return to read more.

Backed,

Lisa

A Fine Line

Great premise and based on a concept growing in popularity so should capture public notice. You write enagingly and have obviously plotted this well and with attention to detail. Do have a look at chapter length but only because on screen they do appear longer than they would be if printed out.
Good luck with this. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown
ps, in your long pitch, I think interweaved should rather be interwoven?

Hi - I agree with KZ regarding chapter one's length. A little too long, for authonomy anyway.
The bar smelled of stale beer is a bit of a cliche, and as the action has shifted, perhaps this could start chapter two/ Just a thought. Otherwise, it was well written and chapter one explained some of the major concepts involved in the story and a little about the MC. There's plenty of tension here and promises to be a good read and popular with Sci-fi buffs. Sorry I didn't have more time.
Best wishes, Barry
(Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys)

My type of read. I think you did an awesome job with this. Perhaps braking the first chapter a bit would be prudent. Personaly I would break it at "Oblivion." it's a great cliff hanger :)

KZ
Starforger

Love sci-fi. Never could understand how a sci-fi author keeps all the stuff straight--and still gives a not to existing science. Well written, and even somewhat complicated without condescending.

Shelved.
Dan-
Eunice Stubbins, among others...