Born Of The Flame

I have been rivetted to the page from word one. You have crafted wonderful characters, Ryden, the loner with his sense of not quite belonging...his manner and form more of a man than a lad of 16...his dear friend Melca, in love and on the verge of marrying his beloved Liza. Silas, the old man with the fiesty attitude that loves the Mc Ryden as a son. We are engaged with all of them as they dance and fight and drink their way across the screen.

The devastation was then more stark...more painful, as we had become involved in their lives, you the author had disappeared and made them real..that is a gift in itself.

I still have a lump in my throat and anger in my heart at the murder of everything loved and familiar...I am anxious to read on...this is a Powerful piece of writing. Well done indeed.
Backed with much pleasure.
Suzannah burke
Dudes Down Under

Hi Mike. Born of the Flame reminds me of the work of David Gemmel. I admire your inventiveness and your rich imagination, and your writing style is perfectly honed for this genre. Best wishes,
Scott.

Born of the Flame:

Mike,

In lyrical prose that suits the mood of Ryden's loneliness after the loss of his parents, you weave in with great dexterity and authority, just enough detail of the blacksmith's craft to make Ryden and his task ring true. There is a real sense of immediacy which enables the reader to participate with virtually all of the senses and share in the experience which we see Ryden have.
In the exchange between Ryden and Melca and the mention of bread and ale, there is something warm and endearing between them and one FEELS the friendship; a mark of good characterisation.
Again, I FELT the poignancy of Rydens grief and loneliness as he rummages around to eventually discover his father's life's savings; the contrast between a hoard of money in his hands, against the loss of his father, is full of pathos.
I wanted to read on to find out how conflict, the testing of loyalties and the making of the man would leave Ryden; a man stronger through conflict, or broken. And will 'each having his own agenda' mean that all are ultimately alone - just as the book starts, with Ryden alone?

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

This is a book which, going by my personal tastes, has everything: a great plot. full of action and excitement, and with more than a touch of originality; an excellent central character in Ry, who is kind, brave, intelligent, witty, and likable; a lovely pre-industrial setting, with blacksmiths, barrels of ale, dancing in the open air at the fair, and swords, bows and arrows and the rest; an atmosphere which is perfect for fantasy, half magic, half adventure, and wholly enjoyable; and above all a writing style which is right for your subject. Your writing is flowing and rhythmic, witty, sometimes moving, and lyrical in its descriptive power. This is a book to enjoy without criticism. It's perfect as it is. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

This is an excellent piece of work; lucid and powerful in its use of language and the way it sends the reader's emotional compass spinning out of control. Sometimes, I find it's the smallest things which make a story entice a reader in. For example, I think homespun wisdom is difficult to write; it often sounds cliched or trite. But when Tristan uses the analogy of the belt in chapter one to illustrate the importance of doing a good job, I thought it was simple but effective - a perfect example. Similarly when Ryden talks about the best way to dance in the tavern, it works. I found myself believing in the world from the off, and thus the violence in the second chapter was all the more shocking because I was so engrossed.

A splendid read, backed with pleasure.

Regards,

David

The Burning Clock

I dont know if I am qualified to comment on this as its not a genre I know my odd forray intp SCIFI is DR Who and Star Wars but..... I have to say I not only enjoyed it but also understood it. I found Ryden an interesting charachter and although the fantasy stuff is over my head at times he was a believable character.

Good luck with it

Sue
Knowing Liam Riley
One foot in the Jungle

Born Of The Flame.
By Mike Kavanagh.


You give a good account of Ryden, his somewhat poor ability...unable to compete with his father’s workmanship.
He comes across a bit sorry full with everyone trying to help out where they can.
I read with interest as Ryden decided to go through the personal effects of his late father, not knowing what he might find.
I was pleased to learn that his father wasn’t such a competent blacksmith when he first started out.
By the condition of some of his older attempts, it was obvious to Ryden that experience comes with time, it was not a gift.
...The fire had almost died and large, ominous shadows jumped around the walls...
You have some very picturesque writing and offer good description when describing the searching of the belongings by the fireside...the trunk and contents etc.
There are very good characters throughout the book, applicable to the time period.
The reader is drawn in by all this...great stuff...nicely written.
I have enjoyed reading what I have of ‘Born of the Flame’ and I’m pleased to give it a very high star rating.
Best wishes.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Born of the Flame.
I am not sure at which audience the author is targeting his book but I would imagine YA.
I really liked the pitch, informative without giving too much away.
Chapters one and eight read because of time constraints.
A very good description of the desperate plight of a prisoner at the beginning of chapter one. Ryden and Melca are likable characters and the camaraderie between them comes across well. Some lovely descriptive writing and though I found the pace a little slow it is evident the author has a firm grip on his story line.

Nanty - Chrys.

Although this isn't really my genre, I read and enjoyed the first chapter. The setting is nicely portrayed and the characters well-developed. I like the fine detail you include in your writing, it helps bring the story alive. Good luck.

this is a fascinating piece; write with great effect...this is an all round good book- l will back...
readSEASONS...

Hi Mike

The best kind of fantasy - you bring the reader right into your world straight away and your characters are alive and sympathetic. Clean straightforward prose which doesn't interfere with the narrative, overall a very decent piece of work. Backed (you'll see it in a couple of days).

Nicole
Chosen

Let me start by saying that fantasy isn't really my thing, so I had a hard time staying hooked by more than the first chapter. What I read, however, I liked - the characters are strong, and the setting is detailed enough to become a real place. Best of luck to you!

Wow so amazing! :) I think this story has was it takes to take you to the top! :) your style is so inviteing and I'd love to sit and read it anywhere any place! keep it up! :) I'll be adding you to my watch list and backing your story asap! :)

Born of the Flame - The author, in the the first two chapters read, briefly sets out a rural scene and having placed two of the main characters, Ryden and Melca, in it goes on to tell of their standing in the community and emotional issues. The loss of Ryden's parents when he was fourteen, was casually mentioned with little passion, which I found strange considering the close relationship he had with his father. Nor did Ryden express much surprise upon finding his father's chest and examining the contents. The items found inside were more than a very large hint his father had not always been a blacksmith and the fact he had never discussed it with his son introduced a mystery that I feel should have been expanded and explored. In the second chapter I could not get away from the feeling the author's description of Melca and his yearning after Liza has been based on a very well known book and recent trilogy of films. Doubtless the action promised in the author's well crafted pitch, will come in the next chapter or so and will be in stark contrast to those preceding. For the most part the writing is fluid but for me the author needs to instill more passion into his characters.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

You have an elegant style, and I enjoyed my read very much. Your book is clearly polished, and your attention to detail is evident. I think this book should do well, and I wish you luck as you make your way up the charts. I only have one suggestion . . . I believe it is in the very first sentence, something to the effect of "Ryden stretched his long legs out in front of him," it occured to me that he would have little choice . . . you might consider leaving out "in front of him."
Good luck
Cly (Hybrid)

This is a well polished piece of sci-fi and you have definitely got the skills in writing to carry off the literary fiction tag.

BACKED

I don't know whether I should enter; I've only just completed the first draft so it's still quite rough. This is also my first novel and based on your feedback, perhaps I've been subconsciously influenced a bit too much by the books that I've read.

Then again, maybe I will. I haven't really looked into it yet so I don't know what I need to do. Anyway, thanks for your backing!

Rgds,
MK

My only reservation is a feeling that I've seen similar characters in plots like this before. You asked! Will you be entering this in the Terry Pratchett competition, btw? Backed.

My only reservation is a feeling that I've seen similar characters in plots like this before. You asked! Will you be entering this in the Terry Pratchett competition, btw? Backed.

Mike,
You have a pleasing narrative style in Born Of the Flame. The reader is swept away to another time and place in this imaginative story. Backed with enthusiasm.

Lovely wording and an incredible command of language. You story engagaes the mind from line one. Strong theme and well build plot. Narrative also sound.

I congratulate on such a professional and wonderful story which I see as exemplary. I have no doubt that this will be published.

Best
The Mind Setter

Great characters and dialogue, and a beautifully described world. You've certainly set up your reader for a feast of the senses!

I wonder if you couldn't put more of a hook in the first chapter. Fantasy readers are a fickle lot. Still, this is very well done! Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Not my usual read but a great premise, fully realised characters and some truly excellent writing made this an absolute treat. Backed with pleasure.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Theres a wonderful sense of the epic here, that the world is literally at stake. our imagery stands out, backed by well crafted characters that simply sing off the page. You get every emotion here from laughter to grief whcih only heightens thr reality of your characters and their world. backed with pleasure.

This is some wonderful writing. I love the cover for a start, stunning and the title is so powerful. The opening is so well done, it sets the scene beautifully without over-doing it. I like the way you describe Ryden and how the death of his parents has heaped responsibilty on his shoulders and how he has done an excellent job of dealing with it. This is backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Hello, Mike.

I like your book title and cover. The short pitch wasn’t very effective for me. You immediately raise an urgent theme (warfare) and yet present it quite matter-of-factly (find himself). If you remove some unnecessary words it adds to the urgency and reads a little better: “When war plunges Ryden's life into turmoil he leaves home to find himself, unaware the fate of the nation rests on his shoulders.” I would reconsider “find himself.” It just doesn’t lend itself to the drama.

As for your synopsis: Lazarus! I love that word/name. That’s my MC’s real surname (Destiny of Dragons). “The year is 208 in the Masnian calendar…” I personally think “in” sounds better. “On” sounds distant and you want the reader to immediately feel a part of this world. I like this set-up, but there’s not enough about the MC’s character, background and motives, so why not present it from his viewpoint from the beginning? “This is a compelling tale of loyalty versus treachery, history versus technology and good versus evil, tempered with infinite shades of grey.” I liked this. Who wants black and white?

Onto the book. The font is incredibly small and although adjustable, I’d make it accessible right away to encourage readers. It’s particularly hard to read in italics later on. First paragraph: “evidence” sounds a little clinical. What about “testimony he’d recently been for a dip…” The lack of contractions makes for unnatural reading, unless this is meant to be purposefully stiff and formal “…when they got back to the village of Cadmir” sounds too factual if it’s their village. You can slip the name Cadmir in anywhere. “kids,” “hi,” “husband material,” “lead him on,” “basement” and “quizzing” are quite modern terms and sound out-of-place to me; you need to mind the kind of time and setting you’re trying to portray. I like your war themes; I have a similar one in A Matter of Life and Death, so can relate to this. “…untimely death of his closest relative…” also sounds distant if he loved his father as much as you claim and he’s that crushed. The use of italics for the flashback was fine, until you start quoting from the book and it’s not in italics. I understand it needs to stand out, but I think I would’ve preferred the book references to be italics. I don’t think the flashback needs them.

I read the first chapter and not only is it nicely paced, introducing some colourful characters in a casual fashion, but you appropriately insert a little intrigue with your parent’s mysterious past not even he’s aware of to entice the reader on. You have some nice character and place names; nothing too OTT (although a horse called Dave in chapter 4 is a joke, right? Each to their own and who’s to say what a name should be, but I began to wonder if this wasn’t a comedy) There were an awful lot of people referenced in chapter one, so I wouldn’t mention anyone who isn’t essential in this introductory chapter as you’re trying to establish who is who, but I’m sure if you were to read on everybody would become familiar. To me it’s your war themes that engaged me and flicking ahead I see you continue the pace with some action. There were some things that stood out as strange, like after all Ryden’s struggles with sword-making the intricacy of the engagement ring sounds too good to be true for this age and I can’t believe it only cost 6 months wages. Also, Ryden and Melca deal with the aftermath of the fresh massacre all rather casually in chapter 3 as they talk about leaving; Ryden has faced recent tragedy, yes, but Melca hasn’t and has lost everything. I would expect him to be angrier and more uspet in the dialogue and in his actions, especially considering you’ve depicted Ryden’s grief for his losses very well up to this point. Melca shouldn’t be concerned with the tales he’s heard as a kid when they're dicussing leaving the village he’s lost the very people who told him those tales! He always came over a very open character to me who wouldn’t internalise pain like Ryden, so when Melca attempts suicide it feels a little contrived because there’s been no build up to such an extreme action.

Hope some of this is useful. If it’s critical it’s only to enhance what was a good read to polish it up into something great. This has a lot of potential and, with some thoughtful editing, particularly in removing anything unnecessary, this could be great. You have a likeable MC, some great supporting characters, what sounds like some intriguing villains and your premise is promising. I wish you success with this.

Kind regards

Billie
xx

Mike

After godawful vampire stories and romances (or worse, an unholy combination of the two) this is probably my least favourite genre.

That said, it kept my interest for the course of the couple of chapters that I read. You've wisely concentrated on the emotional content as much as the action that takes place, which is why it retained my interest.

I would suggest though that you watch the occasional tendency to slip into using a mock-archaic sentence structure. I know it's the norm in stories of this type, and it's an easy way of lending an air of authenticity to the scenes that you're describing, but at the same time it slots your book a little too neatly in with books of a similar type out there. I think your book has the potential to stand out a bit more than that.

Good luck with this - sorry I can't offer more detailed criticism, but I do struggle with this particular genre.

Peter

Hi Mike! I have just read your first chapter and I will be backing this with all the good energy I can muster. You are one damned good writer. Your character development, as well as your dialogue, are nearly perfect. I would suggest that you vary your paragraph length more. Remember that each paragraph contains a central idea backed by all the sentences therein that pertain to that central idea. I would also hope that you have combined several of your actual chapters into one long one here on Authonomy because if this IS your actual chapter length, I think it is way too long and should be split up. I have made a few comments but note that I am no expert. However, many authors have told me that I’m pretty good at this. Let’s see what you think…
CHAPTER ONE: Your first sentence seems a bit awkward. Perhaps ‘With his long legs stretched out in front of him, Ryden gazed across the crystal clear water.’ would hold more literary tension. Let your reader wonder whether he is at a riverbank or a lake shore until the end of the paragraph. I’m not sure how Ryden’s short hair could be ruffled by the wind and stick to his forehead at the same time? Delete ‘recently’ for a stronger sentence. In my mind ‘sixteen’ IS a ‘young man’. I like the line except I would consider changing ‘young man’ to ‘man’ or ‘someone older’ or something similar. The paragraphs describing how he learned his trade are very good. ‘leaving only the shiny crown to resolutely defend against the sun’s rays.’…this doesn’t make sense to me as without hair, his head has no defense at all against the sun and it would cause him to wear a hat of some kind. I enjoyed the dialogue between Ryden, Silas and Mel, very well done. I think I would change ‘matured’ which can often imply a physical growth to ‘grown up’ which I think better reflects the mental confidence that I think you mean. I would delete ‘like many in those circumstances’ for a stronger sentence. Later, I didn’t like when Ryden rested his hand on Liza’s. It just seemed too contrived. Believe me when I say, your smart reader will pick up on the situation without having to spell it out so blatently. I would change ‘to his brother’s house’ to ‘to his uncle’s house’ because the story is being told from Ryden’s POV. I’m not sure why you decided to switch to italics? At any rate, I question the word ‘search’ in ‘thorough search of the house’. You must tell your reader why, out of nowhere, he made the decision to search the house. Perhaps it would be better to say he decided to do a thorough cleaning of his house and say something to the effect that there were many things his father had left in every room that he needed to sort through. To use the word ‘search’ implies that he is searching for something specific. I think you should delete the entire paragraph (sorry!) that begins ‘Still crushed by the…’ because you have already told us in several other references of his grief and his father had died more than two years before, right? How about a mention of the sentimental thoughts that going through all of his father’s personal items brought out without the sobbing scene? Or have him find it necessary to leave the room and take a walk (in the rain!) as a little break to his sorting out of things. You might imply that the boxes and such were not the only thing that needed sorting…that his feelings seemed to be taking a long time to sort out, too. The four foot long staff was in the chest? This must be one giant chest! Either give us a better idea of the size of the chest earlier or, perhaps a better way to go would be to have Ryden find the staff BEHIND the chest as he moved it. Even for a big sixteen yr old, it would have been quite an accomplishment to lug a chest, big enough to contain a four foot long staff, up from the basement by himself. “This time I mean it.” Love that line (I’ve used it several times in my own life. HA!).
That’s it! I need to caution you about the many uses of ‘-ly’ words such as ‘recently’, ‘previously’, ‘regularly’, ‘briefly’ and ‘fully’ and those were all found in the first 5 paragraphs! In almost every case (one exception is dialogue), a sentence becomes stronger and carries more literary tension when these pesky adverbs are deleted. Try it and I think you will see what I mean. You should also avoid using complicated dialogue tags such as ‘he said with a smirk’ or even ‘he joked’ and ‘he added.’ A simple ‘he said’ is all you need most of the time if your dialogue and narrative are strong enough (which most of the time, yours is!). I would be careful of all the exclamation points in your dialogue. They should be used very sparingly and if your dialogue and accompanying narrative is strong enough, again, you shouldn’t need them. Well, I hope you can decipher my comments and I hope that some of them help. Over all, I have to say that you have a natural talent for great storytelling. Almost everything I have mentioned are just little tricks that any writer needs to know, that if applied throughout your story would just serve to polish your already wonderful story. Many of the other items I’ve mentioned I’m sure you would have caught when editing. You are one of the most gifted writers I have reviewed on here ( I've only said that once before) and if I were you, I’d quit my day job and start writing 24/7. Seriously. You have it! Backing this right now….

Born Of The Flame
Mike Kavanagh

Mike,
I’ve had a look at chapter 2 now and was happy to have done so. I would have liked to have thought of this as the youthful adventures and misadventures of Ryden and Mel, but your writing is more profound than this and deals with deeper problems and issues of civilisation and existence.

I must say that your long pitch looks nicer with the division into paragraphs and I love the last paragraph you added which gives an excellent idea of your themes. I’ve copied the long pitch here once more and removed a few commas (mainly before the words “and” and “but” which I didn’t think you needed – again, sincere apologies if I am wrong and do get a second opinion. Yolanda Christian is great at writing and critiquing pitches – she has been away from autonomy for a while but when she returns, I’ll ask her to look at yours in case she has any useful suggestions.) Here is my version of the long pitch with only slight adjustments.

"The year is 208 on the Masnian calendar and General Lazarus has manipulated the senile King Garro of Kappland into declaring war on the neighbouring country of Rejkland. The Rejk army is vastly outnumbered and defeat is imminent.

Hope arrives in the form of a sixteen year old orphan, Ryden, who has information that could turn the tides of war in their favour. With him are two companions - a childhood friend and a mysterious Kapp with a dark secret of his own.

Together they set out to change the course of the war but as Ryden discovers more about his past he comes to question his own beliefs and ultimately realises that everyone has his own agenda to follow.

This is a compelling tale of loyalty versus treachery, history versus technology and good versus evil, tempered with infinite shades of grey."

Mike, sorry to harp on this tiny nit – I’ve changed “everyone has their own agenda” once more to “everyone has his own agenda”. The former is gramatically incorrect. The subject is “everyone” (singular (compound) subject) which should refer to a singular pronoun to be gramatically correct – “his or her”, as opposed to “their”. But here is a suggestion for rewording that particular parahraph Mike without having to use “everyone/his/their” –:
“Together they set out to change the course of the war but as Ryden discovers more about his past he comes to question his own beliefs and begins to understand more deeply the forces at work, including the agendas of others.”

I opened chapter one again and saw that you’d changed the opening line a little. I think this reads better than the previous line, although I think the first word “Sat” reads a little rough. Maybe you could consider substituting the word “Sat” for “Seated” or “Sitting” or maybe “Stationed”? I think “Sitting” is probably the better word because it is more active than the others.)

I thought chapter two was nicely paced, full of details about your characters whom you develop a lot more here and you also progress your plot with talk about the coming war firstly, then secondly, through the soldier's assault on Cadmir. A good chapter all in all. You start with Ryden who has a hangover from drinking too much ale the night before. Then the family scene and conversation between Melca, Olan and their father follow – this was entertaining with some humour which made it very lively. There is a flashback to the night before with Ryden recalling the aggressive encounter with one of the village’s most affluent residents – Ryden swinging his fist into Pora’s cheekbones. The reader, already sympathetic to Ryden, of course is happy that Ryden wins this battle – however, in doing so, he has alienated himself from this influential family. You set up the conflict well here. Then you move to Liza and her reflections on her relationship with Melca. This is a welcome change in atmosphere and tone from the previous sections as you inject a little romance into the story to widen your audience and the story's appeal. Liza discovers that her parents like Mel after all and she wonders whether he would propose to her soon. A very nice segment here Mike, although the reader wonders whether Liza is getting a little ahead of herself. We’ll see – and are anxious to find out how Liza’s story develops. Luckily, the wait is not long as in the very next segment, we learn that Melca feels the same way about her and that he has even bought a ring with the intention of proposing. Other events transpire to make this chapter substantial. Melca is on duty in the bakery when Poras comes in to buy bread and he learns of the fight Poras and Ryden had the night before. Melca after this scene, asks Olan’s opinion on the subject of love, but Olan is not optimistic about it and believes one becomes the slave of the loved one, so his advice to Mel is rather negative. But Mel is his own person and after his shift ends, he gets the ring and goes off in search of Liza’s father to ask for her hand in marriage. Happily, Kirk, Liza’s father, approves, and Mel goes off to find her and ask her that happy question.
The next scene sees Ryden fishing – the stream is up a hill or mountain, he wasn’t sure how to classify it, and he is in a reflective mood. I loved the setting here and your descriptive powers in this part are enviable Mike. Melca comes on the scene shortly after and informs Ryden that he is getting married – that Liza has said “yes”. (Small nit here - I would have liked to "see" the proposal taking place as it meant so much to both of these young people and I felt a little cheated that it was merely passively reported on. Is it possible to make that an active scene?) After this happy news of the impending wedding, Ryden and Mel begin to descend the hill. They notice smoke coming from the butcher's. Something is not right. There were soldiers in Cadmir. The boys hide so as to prevent their own executions, watching the soldiers, who eventually leave, death and devastation left in their wake. Ryden finds Silas dying – who utters words to him as a father to a son, giving his plough and harrow to Ryden. A touching moment here and the reader feels as outraged as Ryden would have felt by the soldiers’ inhumanity. Melca returns home to find his family also slain. He goes off in search of Liza and she too is found dead – her hand and finger twisted and broken as the killer has wrenched the ring from her finger. Melca is crushed. Moving scenes here which keep the reader engrossed. Ryden and Mel spend an hour sitting in silence as the chapter closes. A good ending and the reader wants to turn the page.

Phew! Mike, you have proven here you are a talented writer. I thoroughly enjoyed this and get a sense now that what has happened to the village has far-reaching implications as the other facets of your plot come into play from your next chapter onward. I have no nits to pick on story and content and congratulate you here. On a constructive note, some of the things I mentioned regarding chapter one I would repeat here. Go through the writing and look at punctuation carefully – I think you use the comma too often and in places where you don’t need them. Also, get a second opinion regarding the use of single and double open and closed quotation marks as I repeat my opinion on this re the first chapter comment. I also think you could cut this chapter and turn it into two chapters. It is fairly long with a lot happening here. I would end the second chapter just before Melca goes off in search of Kirk to ask for Liza’s hand in marriage, and from that point, I would create a third chapter to include that portion and the rest that follows, including Ryden’s fishing expedition and his and Mel’s sad experience of the aftermath of the soldiers’ murders of villagers and destruction of the village.
Again, I think this is a great piece of writing. You vividly and expertly portray your characters who are all believable; Ryden and Mel have become my favourite characters and I identify with them fully – I love your attention to detail and characterisation actually; there is wonderful realism regarding your scenes and settings and you manage to evoke a huge sense of loss not only of life and things physical through the soldiers’ actions, but also a sense of loss of innocence. Now you raise questions of moral and social responsibility and I can see the balance of your plot coming into play at this point as we look forward to Ryden saving the day, and learning and growing through his experiences.
Wishing you all the best in finding a publisher for this Mike. Great respect on my part for your obvious and natural gifts as a writer.
Zan

Hello Mike,
Sorry for the late return review, but I got here in the end. The firs thing I noticed were your descripions. The reader sees exactly what you see as you write and I like that. It brings the story to life. I also like the sympathy that is evoked by your writing for your MC after loosing his parents at such a young age and having to carry on as best he can as a Blacksmith and trying to work to his father's high standards. You describe the dance well etc as well as the people. The only thing hat did stand out to me was the way in which you described a new character as an introduction. I thought it may be a little too much all at once. Maybe explain how they look, by heir actions ie; the way they look at something or something like ' so-and-so run his fingers through his raven hair.' Its just a suggestion, but you can take it with a pinch of salt.
I enjoyed the way your writing flowed on the page and the story unfolded. You have a lovely tale here and I wish you all the best with it, Mike.
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Lisa. (Inky36)
Grimeon's Pass. :0)

A finely crafted, highly imaginative and well written story. Excellent use of imagery and solid use of character development - I especially like how you built Ryden. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Born Of The Flame
Mike Kavanagh

Mike,
I like your cover and your title. Your short pitch is sharp and to the point and gives a good sense of your plot in a nutshell. “When war plunges Ryden's life into turmoil he leaves his home to find himself, unaware that the fate of the nation rests on his shoulders.” Great short pitch here.

In your long pitch I’ve adjusted some of the punctuation etc., which you may or may not agree with but I simply wanted to show how I would do it and I changed a few words to make it more effective – and remember I am no expert so apologies if I am out of line here! Here is my version – :

“The year is 208 on the Masnian Calendar. General Lazarus has manipulated the senile King Garro of Kappland into declaring war on the neighbouring country of Rejkland. The Rejk army is vastly outnumbered and defeat is imminent.

Hope for Rejkland arrives however through the appearance of a sixteen year old orphan, Ryden, who has crucial information that could turn the tides of war in their favour. With him is a childhood friend, a mysterious Kapp, with a dark secret of his own.

Together they set out to change the course of the war but as Ryden discovers more about his past he comes to question his own beliefs and ultimately realises that everyone has his own agenda.”

(Tiny nit - last line of long pitch – “everyone has their own agenda to follow” – should be “everyone has his own agenda to follow” (everyone is singular to agree with “his” not “their”.)

On pitch content, since one of your tags is science fiction, I wondered whether you could include a line in the long pitch to hint at the nature of the science fiction content.

Chapter one – the writing is good and I enjoyed this chapter very much. The world you create here and the characters are fascinating. (Tiny nit - I noted a slight punctuation issue where the comma is concerned. You use it sometimes before the words “and” and “but” in places where I wouldn’t use it. I’m not an expert editor Mike so I may be wrong but simply wanted to draw this to your attention. In your opening paragraph for instance, I would remove the comma after “him” and before “and” as I don’t think you need it there. Similarly, in the third paragraph you don’t need it before the “but”. I think you might want to go through when you next read and make a few adjustments where the comma is concerned. I noticed that for dialogue you use single open and closed quotation marks. I think it is recommended that you use double open and closed quotation marks for speech, and single ones for a quote within a quote. Again, do forgive me if I am wrong – but I think you might want to check this out to be sure you are on the right track.)

Mike I really enjoyed chapter one. Literary fiction is my favourite genre and I love atmospheric, lavish, descriptive writing. I thought you began to characterise Ryden well and made him credible, as he reflected on family – his father’s blacksmith’s talents, the advice of Tristan the cobbler and so on. When Melca enters the scene, the dialogue is good, and we get a sense of action now. Everyone is at the fete and Silas is giving away free beer, so why isn’t Ryden there? Melca is a likeable character as well – looking after Ryden’s needs since he became an orphan. I get a sense of values in this world you’ve created and I find myself becoming attached to the characters already.

When the scene changes and they go to the village of Cadmir, we are introduced to Silas, and again, there is action and energy here through the interractions of the characters. When the summer dance scene first opens, we get a sense, confirmed now, that Ryden is a melancholy character, no longer taking part in the dance and so on – because he is adjusting to life as an orphan – and he becomes even more likeable as the reader begins to feel for him and sympathise with him, having gotten to know him better by this time. At this point, I think the reader begins to trust the writer and what he has to say about his characters and his story, and I think this is the best compliment a writer can receive – that the reader trusts him to continue telling the story, meaning that the reader wants to read on! At this stage in the writing, this was how I felt. The dance scene is nicely done and we see Ryden even joining in the cheering, Amelia managing to get him to danec a little. The dance is over and we move to a flashback scene with Ryden speaking to his dad and asking about the keys, one of which was for daddy’s treasure that no one else should find. Then his finding the coins and the book. Wonderful scene here. (Just wondered whether you needed this whole section in italics – I didn’t think so but again, do get another opinion.) This chapter ends with Ryden nauseated from having drunk too much ale. At this point, the reader is so caught up in his life and his story that one wants to turn the page to chapter two, gladly.

At this point Mike, I’ll say that I was enchanted by your writing and your story so far. Two things come to mind here. I am thinking that your long pitch and your opening paragraph do not do your story justice. I made some suggestions regarding the long pitch already - do add a bit to hint at your science fiction elements which might make the long pitch more exciting. If I think of anything regarding an alternative opening line, I’ll certainly let you know – at the moment, I can’t think of anything. Will read chapter two tomorrow Mike and tell you what I think. So far, I really enjoyed your story, I love the atmosphere and setting you create, and of course Ryden is a likeable and sympathetic hero. I can see this story developing into something very worthwhile and I think it has great potential. Your talent as a writer is clear.
Best,
Zan

Hi Mike, great story, has a bit of a Norse Saga feel to it. I must say I got a little thrill of excitement as Ryden rummaged through his dead fathers treasure chest, what mysteries lie within?

Paul.

Yep, like this one so far. Backed. Good luck Mike, hope you do well.

J Hughes
"Dawn of Shadows"

Great story Mike, lots of detail, good pace and excellent characters. Best of luck.

J Hughes
"Dawn of Shadows"

Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further read and possible backing of your book.

Both the character you have created, Ryden, and the world you have placed him in, are really good. I read 1 then skipped to 3 - and read the scene with the funeral pyre - great too. I also like the touches of humour - the 7th pint actually being ok, it starting to rain after the fire. All in all, a very enjoyable read.

Born Of The Flame:

Even though I’m not a huge fantasy fan, I found this a most enjoyable read. Your vivid writing, dialogue and endearing characters had a lot to do with that. ;)

Goosebumps stood out on me reading the chilling parts of chapter two.

Great work, and will back it soon.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

I like your writing style. It is unhurried and the way you set the scene reminds me of the shire in Lord of the Rings. A few nits/notes:
The font is very small on the screen, so please enlarge the font with your next edits.
There is an extra word (dotted) in the paragraph of Silas' description.
You use a single quotation mark for dialogue when you should be using a regular quotation mark.
I would recommend that you start a new chapter after the dance is over.
The italics that you use for his looking into the chest made me think it was a dream. I would recommend that you use a regular font for that and couch it with words like, "Thinking back" or something along those lines to guide the reader, rather than using italics.

All in all, an engaging start to your tale!

Cyndi
Between

You have a good start to a very promising novel. You have very intriguing world, and I like your main character a lot.
That being said, there are a few points that I felt could be addressed. My eyes tend to glaze over a bit at lengthy descriptions, and I felt there were some things that could be removed entirely with no loss of meaning or of the atmosphere you have created. For instance, in the first paragraph, the last part of the last sentence really isn't needed. Take it off, and the meaning remains the same. Tightening up wording really helps to make a story more engrossing and immediate.
'It was two years to the day...' in this case, 'had been' would give a better sense of time's passage than 'was.' His mother had died of a cancer of the heart... how exactly did they know this? Unless there were some magical means of telling this (there may well have been, I haven't read far enough to know) then short of opening up her body after death, they wouldn't have known. Unless a cancer of the heart is an important plot point, I would change this.
Melca...I spent the paragraph that introduced him thinking "what an unattractive girl!" and was a bit surprised to learn he is a boy. I'd put something in the very first sentence that lets your reader know this. It could be just me, but names that end in 'a' do seem more feminine.
Really though, those are little more than nit-picks. The underlying story is very good, and I am happy to back this.
Best of luck!
-Libby

This is a real treat for the senses, Mike: the warmth of the sun, the sparkle of the water, the striking of the hammer in the forge. And there are passages where I'm just plain astonished, e.g. the sheer poetry and wisdom of the cobbler's words about workmanship. There's also humour, as in the quip from Silas, and Ryden's remarks about dancing. LOL and then Mel trying to talk to Liza. The flashback of finding that strange mix of treasure in his father's chest works really well. The imminent arrival of troops sounds ominous. Melca is brave enough to risk rejection, and gets his reward, at least if nothing intervenes. I was expecting something, but nothing quite that bad. Thus the adventure begins as there is nothing left of home. Powerful stuff for a fantasy, and written with style ... backed.

Possible nits: A slight rework of the opening sentence would get rid of the ambiguity (is it Ryden or the legs gazing?), e.g. 'Resting on the riverbank, his long legs stretched out in front of him, Ryden gazed across the crystal clear water. 'in the heat', in the heat of what ... the summer heat? 'filtered down ... drifted down', to avoid these two similar phrases, maybe, 'Lilting birdsong sounded in the branches above.' 'made his way back to the makeshift bar', maybe 'walked back to the makeshift bar'.

Born of the Flame:

Mike,

In lyrical prose that suits the mood of Ryden's loneliness after the loss of his parents, you weave in with great dexterity and authority, just enough detail of the blacksmith's craft to make Ryden and his task ring true. There is a real sense of immediacy which enables the reader to participate with virtually all of the senses and share in the experience which we see Ryden have.
In the exchange between Ryden and Melca and the mention of bread and ale, there is something warm and endearing between them and one FEELS the friendship; a mark of good characterisation.
Again, I FELT the poignancy of Rydens grief and loneliness as he rummages around to eventually discover his father's life's savings; the contrast between a hoard of money in his hands, against the loss of his father, is full of pathos.
I wanted to read on to find out how conflict, the testing of loyalties and the making of the man would leave Ryden; a man stronger through conflict, or broken. And will 'each having his own agenda' mean that all are ultimately alone - just as the book starts, with Ryden alone?

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

Hi Mike, fantasy is not my genre of choice, so it was with some trepidation that I approached this return read. It was my intention to analyse the writing and see if I could pass on any help or tips, however, after the first few paragraphs I forgot all about that and just read for the story. I became completely engrossed in it. Now, three chapters later I want to know what happens next. As for help or tips, you'll have to get them from others, I enjoyed the story too much to notice any errors. Thanks for a great read. Already on my shelf.

Patrick
Trinity

I have enjoyed what you have written here. Your descriptive writing is very effective in my humble opinion. I gladly backed this book wishing you the best in your continued writing. Please remember December Gold in your reading. I believe our writing styles are very similar. I would appreciate your comments and backing. Blessings.
--author of December Gold

BORN OF THE FLAME:

Mike,

I was drawn to your book by the cover, because it looked like an African sunset. But I soon found there was far more to this novel than just a pretty cover.

You are a very talented writer. What I love is the perfect syntax of the prose which gives it a pleasing rhythm and a lyricism that makes it a joy to read. Strong characterisation that brings the characters to life, and crisp realistic dialogue that jumps off the page.

The story itself is well crafted, with a moral quality in the quest.

I am very happy to back this, and wish you the best of luck in your path to publication.

Backed.
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Hi Mike,

This is a well-written story that captures your attention from the start. Ryden is a character that is to relate to and love. The scenes are brought to life wonderfully with skilled descriptive phrases. I'm happy to back this work.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

This is artistic and well written, the feelings and emotions have been crafted into beautiful prose, and the background and scenery skilfully described. Ryden is a lovely character and the reader engages with him easily feeling empathy and also urging him forward. The excitement and wit throughout move this story along with decent pace. The power of the writing holds the reader close, and the book unfolds into an outstanding epic.

Backed,

Lisa

On my first visit I only had time to read the first chapter, but this drew me in so that I made a point of coming back to read the 2nd and 3rd.
Good characterisation and storytelling, and the scene now seems set for an epic adventure. The contrasting characters of Ryden and Melca hint at some lighthearted moments to come amongst the more gritty consequences of the massacre at Cadmir.
Looking forward to reading more when it is posted.
Backed and Shelved

For me this is some of the most beautiful prose on Authonomy. It is intelligent, lyrical and yet totally accessible. I'm not a huge sci-fi buff but I found myself being drawn into your story. Ryden is a very interesting character and I was moved at the opening scene. Dario's priorities seemed alot like my father who passed away just over a year ago. I am more than happy to back this. Carl. The Time Hunters

I enjoyed your writing. It is very descriptive and draws the reader in. Best of luck in your continued writing. Backed. Remember December Gold in your reading if you have not done so already. I would appreciate your comments and backing. Blessings.
--author of December Gold

This is a book which, going by my personal tastes, has everything: a great plot. full of action and excitement, and with more than a touch of originality; an excellent central character in Ry, who is kind, brave, intelligent, witty, and likable; a lovely pre-industrial setting, with blacksmiths, barrels of ale, dancing in the open air at the fair, and swords, bows and arrows and the rest; an atmosphere which is perfect for fantasy, half magic, half adventure, and wholly enjoyable; and above all a writing style which is right for your subject. Your writing is flowing and rhythmic, witty, sometimes moving, and lyrical in its descriptive power. This is a book to enjoy without criticism. It's perfect as it is. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

This is an excellent piece of work; lucid and powerful in its use of language and the way it sends the reader's emotional compass spinning out of control. Sometimes, I find it's the smallest things which make a story entice a reader in. For example, I think homespun wisdom is difficult to write; it often sounds cliched or trite. But when Tristan uses the analogy of the belt in chapter one to illustrate the importance of doing a good job, I thought it was simple but effective - a perfect example. Similarly when Ryden talks about the best way to dance in the tavern, it works. I found myself believing in the world from the off, and thus the violence in the second chapter was all the more shocking because I was so engrossed.

A splendid read, backed with pleasure.

Regards,

David

The Burning Clock

Born of The Flame

I like how you start this, reflection. I was a little concerned that when attention expanded to the external world you created the visual however it was strangely quiet (coming out of introspection the sensors tune for any danger, hearing being one of them).
You have good characterisation and a strong storyline; I like how you develop this.

Mike,

Born of the Flame - Lovingly created characters endear and involve the reader, trusting the storyteller. And from the pitch I know this is going to be an exciting quest. The only thing your sensitive writing needs is sculpting, it's all there, just a little too much of it. Working through a few chapters with a master wordsmith would give you all the tricks you need to apply to the rest. You got the characters, strong relationships, the story, you got excellent dialogue, now chip away everything that dilutes the power of your sentences. It's a most satisfying thing to do.
Backed with pleasure, and best success with the work.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Hi Mike. Born of the Flame reminds me of the work of David Gemmel. I admire your inventiveness and your rich imagination, and your writing style is perfectly honed for this genre. Best wishes,
Scott.

The voice has a steady beat to it making the read a comfortable experience. The start might be given more of a punch with a time-frame reference and even a more extensive locale presentation of sorts, given the genre. The MC might use more description in a physical sense. The village of Cadmir also could use a similar expansive description treatment. The storyline is interesting; it's sure to do well. Thanks for sharing. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)