The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hello, Andrew,

I have just read the first chapter of the book and I found it a rollicking good read. You write with authority and knowledge of your genre. The story flows well and is an easy read.

There are one or two grammatical things that you might like to address, but not major surgery, I assure you! :-) . Just a few well-placed commas and the occasional hyphenation will do.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the book.

Cheers,

Frank Riley
(Frankool)

Hi Andrew!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

When are you going to post the review of this book?

Wow no wonder this book made it to the editor's desk at some point. (I'm new here so I'm not sure exactly when that happened) The tension is very good and despite a case of infodumping (putting too much information into one setting) it still flows quite nicely. I'm backing this! ^_^

- Zee, 'Skinbane'

Renu25 has it about right I think. An ambitious project and lots of promising parts but it felt more than 61K words. Needs editing badly as there is a lot of detail which is unnecessary and holds up the action. (We don't need to know what the character ate down to the kind of sauce on his meat) But if I were a man I would have enjoyed it immensely.

Way to go!

Congrats Andy, I look forward to hearing all about your review. Hope you had a wonderful Holiday!!!!!

C-grats Andrew. Way to go!

An unbelieveable story very well written. Gripping and thrilling. Who would not back this book, it is ecellent. Edward

congrats Andrew on #1 you are the only one on my shelf still....glad to see you soing so well, deserved

Denise
The Letter

Hi,
Congratulations on making it to the ED.

I've only read the first chapter so far and have jotted down a few comments that you may find useful if you are editing this before the HC review. Haven't read the prologue as it wouldn't load (probably my browser) but was wondering if you really needed a prologue anyway.

The opening didn't draw me in and I was looking for something stronger like : "I was on my way to a new job and a new life in Beverley Hills, yet I may not have boarded the plane that was taking me there, if I'd known a dangerous and lonely journey lay ahead. Life and fate …."

Then perhaps talk about Paul. I'm not sure why it is necessary to bring Lorne in at this stage.

There is too much information on the first page / chapter. It's best to drip feed the info and give only a few critical facts so as not to hold up the narrative.

I'd cut back heavily on the exposition (giving the reader information about characters and backstory rather than letting them see it in action or dialogue). eg show me Lorne and the narrator socialising in a bar, in speech. Show me characters in a Mercedes and Ferraris. Don't give me a long list of expensive cars. How does Lorne take care of the narrator?

I'd suggest cutting back on lots of description about characters. It's not necessary.

The story may be partly about business, but I'd use informal rather than formal words like recompense. Readers are put off by offiicial talk.

Hard to tell with formatting but I assume that the paragraph starting, "I walked down the corridor to Paul's office," is not indented as it has moved on in time.

Although there is a lot of exposition and description, you also draw the reader in with phrases like : "Here was a man I could learn a great deal from, he thought enough of me…"

There is very little dialogue and it's this that brings characters to life.

Hope this helps.

This hasn't changed much since I read it over eighteen months ago.

In fact I have read better stuff in a boy's comic in the fifty's.

It needs a hell of a lot of work done on syntax and tense not to mention punctuation and description before it can be offered to an agent.

Hi Andrew,

I've enjoyed reading your first chapter; you create tension straight away and have a strong hook that makes me want to read on. You have a good descriptive style which you enhance with your knowledge of the weapons and tools in your character's arsenal.

The only suggestion that I would make is to find a good copy-editor to go through the work. There are a few areas where your choice of vocabulary seems unusual and also a couple of grammatical errors. Here are a couple of examples:

In the fourth paragraph, the word 'stealthfully' should be 'stealthily'.

In the eighth paragraph you say 'various and sundry'. These words mean the same, so I would suggest using the more common expression 'all and sundry' or just use one word, e.g. "I didn't even want to think about the various slimy creatures..."

In the tenth paragraph, 'out think' should be hyphenated, i.e. 'out-think'.

These are just a few of the instances where I felt the language detracted from the story. However what is much more important is that you have an extremely compelling narrative which is why I have given you this high star rating.

All the best,
MK

Oh and five stars

Dear Andrew
I have no idea what happened I did back your book, and have just so again now. Please let me know if there is anything else I can do. I am so pleased to see your book way up there, deserved for sure. I have been on the site x2 in the last months, so did not realise you were next in line. I will keep your book on my shelf for as long as it takes, just remind me if it comes down.
Have a wonderful Christmas Andrew

Denise
The Letter

You beautifully take us into the protagonist's head. Coupled with the good sensory details of coming under attack and you have us sucked inside for us to want more. I think I will come back to read more into it. Good job.

brilliantly written! I have highly rated it, will add to bookshelf as soon as possible, good luck. Sue Harries ''It's a Dogs Life''

Thanks for re-visiting me with the new star system in place. I also gave you a 6 star rating. It deserves nothing less.

Natasha
"Dani the Earth Angel"

Once again, this is a great book. It tells the story with depth and with sensitivity, a difficult task indeed. Not typical of the "secret agent" suspense of decades past, The Reluctant Warrior tosses the reader into the throes of the action as if experiencing it in real life. Very well done!

Thought I would get you back up on my shelf.....hope the boost only adds to your success!

Good luck,
Justis Call
Prestidigitations

The Reluctant Warrior
Obviously, with your ratings, you don't need me to tell you that you have a fine idea here. Truthfully, I'm a pushover for a mystery thriller, especially international. I do like this, but I know I would like it even better with a well-edited prologue, not only shortened, but more staccato dialogue, with just enough description to verify what I already know - that this hero knows his business. I will star now and get you to the shelf as soon as I am able.
Lenore
Surviving the Seaweed

Hey, Andrew! Thank you and many warm blessings your way. You're good work is re backed :-)

Sincerely,
jim

Greetings Andrew, Having backed "The Reluctant Warrior" some months ago, I needed only to brush up on the first chapter to recall how well it reads, and I'll gladly re-back it tonight. I hope you'll give "The Doctor of Summitville" another look. Best of luck, Bill

Andrew, you have a great story in RELUCTANT WORRIER but, if your prologue is going to be among the 10,000 words submitted to the editors' desk, I'd like to bring some of my thoughts to your attention.

- gently lapping waves tend to conjure pictures of the ocean or a lake (to me). When I think of a river, I see it flowing and hear "ripples gently lapping rocks along the bank..."

- Crickets don't increase their sound when someone comes around; they fall silent - "their thunderous silence was like a bomb going of..."

- consecutive use of the word "envelope" is distracting - "...enveloped my senses and I stifled a cough..." and "allowed my eyes to adjust to the enveloping darkness..." Try to find another word for one of them.

- They must really want me this time was the thought running through my head. Use italics to set apart the thought from the rest of the sentence.

- You use the word "envelope" too many times. Once again - "...deep in the shadows enveloped by the large trunk..." Diversify your thoughts, man.

- "back of their skulls..." should be "backs of their skulls (plural agreement).

Listen, I'm not an expert editor and I don't mean these remarks to be critical; just helpful. My review is just cursory but after working so hard to reach the top five, don't let some editor knock you out of contention on these technicalities. It's probably time to get a technical person to take a close look at your first chapters (before the end of the month) so you can make changes if necessary.

Best of luck to you.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

Hi Andrew you are back on my watchlist and starred. I will read more of your book and comment then, thank you, Casey x

I have returned your rating because I like your book. You are also on my watchlist. Thanks again for your support.

Andrew, just read the prologue - way too long - I believe a prologue should be a hint of whats to come, or a short bit setting the sence so to say, otherwise it almost becomes the first chapter. I'll be reading more when I can. I'm putting the book on my watchlist. for the moment. In the mean time, perhaps you could have a look at Adrenalin Rush for me?
Actually, I'm going to read the next two chapters now.

Steve

Dear Andrew, I have read, skimmed and dipped all through The Reluctant Warrior and find the plot just great - far to good to let any flaws ground it.

My main anxiety is about the prologue which has 'too many words'. This is what the readers and any editor or agent will see first and this is what they will judge you on. Your first chapter is very different in character and much easier to read.

First, a prologue should be short. Secondly, this is a scene of violent action. There is no room for comments on taste in booze or cigarettes, nor for an outline of the hero's martial history. A word to hint is capabiliry is quite enough to tell the reader. Every word which is not totally relevant to the progress of the action, this particular action, slows down the pace and, more seriously, deflates the tension.

This book is for a man's man. I came across it when I first joined the site, hesitated over it for a moment then discarded it because of the beginning before returning to it more seriously now. Why? I think it was the wordiness of that first scene. I enjoy Andy McNab and, more cerebrally, Gerald Seymour. He was a bbc foreign correspondent and his first novels bore all the hallmarks of journalistic style, to their detriment. You have come from the world of business - and it shows in your urge to put every possible point down on paper, to prevent the buck landing on you or your firm, presumably.

You have all the skills, no doubt about that, but you now need to adapt them to this kind of writing. Much of a novel's life is in what is not said, what lies between the lines. Trust your readers. They do not need everything spelled out. A hint of the martial arts background is enough to create trust in your hero's ability - but it would be so much more tense if you also gave him a touch of real fear. You use sight and sound very well, but what about touch and feel, smell and taste to indicate (not spell out) the physical effects of adrenalin etc? Perhaps you could smell one of the antagonists. And there you can describe the nature of the smell because it is relevant.

I admire the writing style of Ian Rankin. To teach himself to write he took a story, cut it in half without removing any content, then cut it again before seeing if anything ought to go back in. Shocking! But this is what editing is all about, catching the nub of the scene and getting rid of the mud of words through which not only the characters have to struggle but also the reader. Why not try this with your first few paragraphs. Then read aloud first one version and then the other? How do they differ? What is the effect of each?

I have my eye on your 67K word count. That is short - and may become shorter if you go down this road. But it is an opportunity to bring in other colours, especially your hero's personal relationships beyond his action scenes. At the moment he is too gung-ho for any except your narrow target market, many of whom may not be that interested in reading rather than doing.

How can you broaden your readership? You could have him question himself more - or have others question him, especially those who have been hurt along the way. (You would have to go at least some way into those hurts.) How much has he damaged those close to him in his life? How does he feel about it? Does his attitudes change during the course of the book. The element of change is important withing a personality and brings him to life. So far your story is very much plot driven, and developing the characters would give tremendous colour and depth to the book.

As, who are these anyway? You say very little about them, but they will be the ones, over and above Dr John, to whom he will return if and when he vanquishes his enemies. The element of doubt is an important element for the reader in maintaining tension, so don't in any way foretell the future elements of the plot. Or do you intend that the violence of his way of life blunts his sensibilities? Is he becoming almost an anti-hero, no longer questioning the death he dishes out, albeit in kill or be killed situations? It can be done, but that approach has to be handled very carefully if the reader is not to be alienated - which would be a shame. You have a great plot, full of interesting twists and turns and quite a few fascinating perspectives.

I hope you get your editorial crit from H/C and that it will lead to great things for you and your warrior. - Please forgive me rabbiting on. It's because I think this has great potential.

Margaret

Hi Andrew, will be happy to place your work on my shelf again, will place on WL for now. I do humbly ask, however, since so many have promised me in the past, and haven't come through, my new policy is: if you ask first, shelf first, and I'll be happy to return. :-)

blessings,
jim

Andrew,
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning is enticing reading for the thriller genre. The reader is kept in a state of suspense as the enthralling plot is unraveled. Backed with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Andrew, you've spammed me again. One of the unfortunate consequences of this 'grubby habit' (as my good friend Louise G puts it), is that you clearly don't have the time or inclination to study the results of your efforts.

I don't like putting up negative comments, only helpful ones, but you keep asking. So here it is... I didn't back your book before, because - despite some very attractive components - I didn't feel it was ready for professional scrutiny. I told you that, in my comment and you have ignored every point. In case you missed it, I'll publish it again:

"Andrew, you wrote me today and asked if I would go to your book. You said it wasn't spam, though I had the same one the day before and also saw it on some friends' messages. But I went all the same. I'm afraid I didn't get far.

Your short pitch kicks off by telling us that your book 'centres around...' This is a physical and linguistic impossibility. You can centre ON something or you can distribute some things AROUND something. Think about it...

You open well, with a great dramatic sentence. It breaks a few rules. That's OK, but your first job must surely be to tell us or hint at who 'they' are. Instead, you bang on about stuff that the reader has no interest in whatsover, like an over-stuffed easy chair. Then your narrator ponders the dichotomy that is his/her life without telling us about the two extremes that make up that dichotomy nor why they're worth pondering on. Unless you've come up with a brilliant new philosophical construct, I wouldn't 'ponder' in your 1st para.

Your second para sets a scene. A forest. Some crickets. Noisy crickets. Your narrator steps aside to tell us how they make this noise. You're on a hiding to nothing. If, as a reader, I already knew that, I resent being told. If I didn't know that, I'm looking out for the relevance of your explanation. But you don't provide it.

You describe this piece as a 'thriller'. It wasn't thrilling for me. I need naked poetry to thrill me. Please don't continue this rush to the ED. I don't think you're ready for it. You have much work to do."

Pete

Hi Andrew, I read at Chap 7 this time. And liked again how the narrative voice subtly garners suspense and reveals characters like Dr. John. The setting descriptions are nice but while I read this interesting dialogue, I wanted to know more about the physical presence of the two. Maybe just observations that would make them more visible in the setting. Good luck this month! Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I've backed you to support your ranking. I will read later and know that I am in for an excellent read. Thanks for sharing your creativity with us. Sincerely. Marie - 'Sun Shine and Rain'

No need to re comment the ranking says it all. Good luck Andrew I hope HC like it as much as we do.
Amelia
A date in The Diary

An excellent opening chapter! It brings up a lot of questions the reader looks forward to having answered. I read some of the earlier comments,and while I agree that some editing is needed for the punctuation etc.(especially commas) I think that what is important at this point is that you have the beginning of what appears to be a great story! I look forward to reading more of your book and will comment again when I have. It is on my Watchlist and I have given it very high stars.

I liked this, although I thought many of Avenyll's comments were on target. I also tend to draft in the past tense, with passive, low-energy verbs, often qualified by adverbs. It is something I have to fight. I think it is a consequence of writing reports, legal memos and business correspondence for a lifetime. Edit, edit, edit--striking out all words ending in 'ly' -- all verb constructions including the word 'had', etc. This is a thriller. It is visual (it would make a great movie) but I thought it was thrilling in spite of the language, not because of it. What it needs is verbs that smack the reader in the teeth, verbs as good as your 'visuals'. And a little less concern about 'process'--stage directing the characters from place to place (I also do this in draft--'he crossed the room quietly, his wool slippers noiseless, put his hand on the door-knob, turned it to the left, pulled the door open slowly and peered cautiously around the jam, first to the left then to the right, blah blah blah...' No, no no. The reader can be trusted to understand all that--just get him out of the room as fast as possible, like the cuts in a fast paced movie--inside in one frame, outside in the next. Best wishes--I think you have something good going.

I read the comment from Aevanyl below, who read your book her way, I read the same book. But, read this as one of the best books on the site, if one can crit like this, there book should be so great it would have been published. In ALL GOOD BOOKS IT IS THE STORY if you have that as this book as it can be polished and edited.

Hello.
A bit of advice? The first chapter is the 'make it or break it', after the summary. And yours is packed with action, with a decent pace. Both good things. You also have a strong voice; distinct and descriptive. The main character tells his story well, even if not succinctly. But the sentence structure is clumsy, and at times grammatically incorrect. This is worst and most prevalent in the first chapter but reappears throughout the whole book. It makes the narrative seem choppy and often jars the reader out of the flow of the book. Which is simply TERRIBLE. I understand it would be a great undertaking, but I believe this manuscript could benefit from a complete re-edit. The words do not necessarily need to be changed, just rearranged. And I would suggest vigorous spell-checks.

The plot line is very well thought out, and meticulously contrived. It knows where it is going and it gets there. However, if his father was a simple fisherman, why would he insist his son take fifteen years of lethal martial arts? That one plot hole leaves a gaping inconsistency for me. Also, the fact that he is a second generation Russian is something that is mentioned once - when it isn't relevant to the plot yet - and forgotten until it allows him to hear the plans for his death. This makes it seem as though it is something that was only added for that reason.

This is in the thriller genre, but there is little to no suspense, no build up. And from the very first chapter, we don't have the chance to wonder anything, because the main character tells us before we can. I understand that he is a reflective soul, but one CAN combine the two elements.

Also, you seem to have focused on plot above all else. Where is the main character's interaction with his wife? Doesn't he call her? Think about her? The same goes for other characters. Lorne, for one, you mention heavily in the beginning, and then once or twice afterward. You mention in your summary that this is character rich, but aside from character overload in the first two chapters, they fade to the background.

In chapter one, you repeat the word 'odd' an excessive amount of times. In the second chapter, you seem obsessed with Beverly Hills. The main character waffles on about it nonstop. The woman he met while playing pool - also in chapter two- is complete fan service. One, it is irrelevant to the plot, two, you may lose a number of female readers over it.

When the time line switches out, you begin by doing your best to ensure your readers don't forget it. This is a good thing, and you do it well. However, some authors seem to forget that they are in another time frame, and midway through the book, you seem to as well. It isn't necessarily something that needs to be changed, just something I am remarking on.

Now, this may be just me, but after all of the grueling business talk in chapter two, it, and mention of his 'revolutionary' plan just vanish. You should probably either take it out, or make sure it DOESN'T fade away inconsequentially.

All in all, this seems decidedly male-oriented. Given the genre, that might seem natural, but remember that girls like a good intrigue, too.

Aevanyll

The writing is very evocative and I felt sucked in from the first line. A good read for anyone.

Andrew - read,backed and rated with pleasure. No critiquing or nit picking - thoroughly enjoyed your work. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
Debdee

Andrew - read,backed and rated with pleasure. No critiquing or nit picking - thoroughly enjoyed your work. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.
Debdee

I love a good thriller, and your first chapter was pitched perfectly for ensnaring the reader. Great stuff. Starred and on my W/L I hope that you retain your position till the end of the month.
Babs

Room for improvement. I would have written this differently. Stamp out the cliches.

' The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning '

You have set an extremely high precedent for other writers of this genre to follow.The novel is huge in scope, piled high with plot twists upon twists, a fast pace that holds the reader captive.

An ingenious storyteller with a convincing imagination.

Jane
'Breath in the Dark'

You are totally fantastic, Andrew!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for again backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) - could you please ****** mine, too. :) Every ****** -ing & backing moves our books closer to the editor's desk :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf as long as possible because I'm 7 from the editor's desk & trying to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of December :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 20 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 9 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks earlier this year.

I really enjoyed the opening of your novel. I could picture it. It's fast paced, dramatic, well researched and compelling but one thing that puzzled me was how come the assassins didn't see him drop from the cabin trap door?

Also I didn't need to be told that he was rubbing soot in to "blend in with the darkness" I already got that even though I'm a soft southern girly. I also know that he's all alone without backup so don't need to be told that either.

Also, would a guy who is being hunted nurse a black russian? Would he have another drink afterwards and smoke (when he already has high blood pressure)? His nerves may be jangling, he may long for a drink but dare he risk the dulling of his senses when he has to be so alert all of the time?

A dramatic opening. I am not a natural thriller reader, but from what I know of the genre this has all the makings of a fast paced and exciting read.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

.The Reluctant Warrior. Recommed by C.C. Brown, Author of Dark Side. Read it liked it and backed it. Hope you will be able to shelve their book.
marie78537

Excellent thriller-will read more when I can tonight. Well done, Claire

amazing work i truly loved it!!!!!! <3

Pace, tension, all that is required in a thriller. This is an excellent book that I have read and liked previously and am very happy to do so again. I'm sure it will soon find itself not only to the Ed's desk but also on bookshelves.