*Note to the reader: Chapters 1-3 were written before I knew of our daughter's diagnosis.
October 20th, 2006
hello little one,
Here you are with such surprise. I find myself at a loss for words. My mind doesn’t know what to think. And so far, I’ve waited for my thoughts to catch up. I sit here and am almost in shock. Is this real?? Are you really here, growing inside of me?
But here you are.
Maybe I had an idea this might be coming. I was late….but, no…it couldn’t be. Maybe I was late from stress. Postponed, perhaps. Just wait it out. I decided to take a pregnancy test. Just to check. Put my nerves at ease. It almost instantly screamed, “You are definitely pregnant!!”
I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was too fast to be accurate, right?? Or…am I pregnant? Right here, right now.. AM I PREGNANT?!?
I walked slowly upstairs, not knowing what to think, and saw my phone ringing. DAD. I have to tell dad. Tears came instantly. Dad, I don’t believe this. What are we going to do? I can’t do this now. I’m not ready. "You can do this," he says. "It’s a great thing and you can do this. It will be the most challenging and amazing thing you’ll ever do. And you can do this."
I cried some more.
Talked to mom. She was excited.
Talked to my sister and she was super excited. She said a prayer. Please help Tim take it well. Bless the baby.
Later that evening I picked Tim up from work, took a deep breath and told him about you. At first he thought I was joking. I convinced him that I was not joking. His eyes became bigger and bigger and I saw his mind begin to race…
Am I going to be a good father?
How can we afford a baby?
You’ll be a great father.
I don’t know how we will afford a baby.
And we freaked out together. Tears of shock and tears of JOY.
We decided to meet up with our friends. Neither of us said it, but I think we both wanted some support and to see what their reaction would be.
They offered us something to drink. Of course, I said no.
Our friend jokingly asked, “Why not, are you pregnant?”
I just smiled.
“Really?? I guessed it?”
Everyone was very excited for us. Many congratulations. Shock all around.
They bought champagne and I had cranberry juice. You are now my number one priority.
We danced and the excitement continued.
I thank God for good friends.
We left that night still in shock, but also very amazed. We spent the entire night talking about what a blessing you truly are. A gift from God. You are perfect. A shock and a surprise…..but an absolutely perfect one.
We woke up in awe of how real and insane this is. I took one more pregnancy test. It again screamed loud and clear that you are here. We nodded at each other. It begins.
Right now, my mother says you are no bigger than a grain of salt, but that is huge to me. You are SOMETHING. You are HERE.
I can feel my body changing and I LOVE you. I can’t even see you, but I love you. We are so nervous and so excited for you to grow inside of me. What a blessing that we are able to experience the creation of a human life. God is amazing and now I realize why he loves us so much. Because he CREATED us.
There is not and will never be anyone like you. How amazing!
God, keep our little one safe. She is your child. Keep her healthy. Help her grow beautiful and strong inside me.
October 31st, 2006
You are slowly growing inside me. Not too much has changed. I think I’ve been eating more. I’m always hungry and I think that’s because you are growing. I just learned you already have a heart beat. Even though you are only the size of a grain of rice. You have a beating heart! That is amazing. God can do some amazing things.
I pray for you, that you will be healthy and strong. I am nervous, but excited. Many more amazing things to come. Keep growing!!