MELEK: Stories of Heaven and Hell

Hi,

I've read only the first chapter so far and found it excellent. The humour and the dark sardonic tone of the MC are great and the vision of heaven and its strange never-ending war is unique. My only critique would be that this needs a serious edit.

Cheers, Greg.

Backed and rated. I enjoyed the first chapter. It was intriguing, especially with your style of writing, dragging the reader in.

Gareth,
MELEK: Stories of Heaven and Hell is an imaginative look into the afterlife. It's unlike anything I would expect which creates an entertaining account. Your narrative voice is strong. The descriptions of the heart attacks and visits with the doctor are vivid and bring the reader into the moment as your narrator's thoughts and feelings and his surroundings are well-described. The horror of being struck by a truck is soon overshadowed by a shocking description of the afterlife. It's nothing like the heaven envisioned when one is reading the Bible which makes this a fantastic account. I think I would have a hard time deciding on an eternal age. I would have to think about that for awhile. I would want to retain a youthful appearance, but have the wisdom of someone who has learned from a lifetime of experiences. I enjoyed my visit to your enchanting story and wish I had time to read more. I hope heaven is much better than what you've imagined, but found it amusing to read this unusual and unique account.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

Nice. I enjoyed the first chapter and will continue to read more.

Backed - Glenn (Darkling Child)

Well, what could I say? It’s well written. Starts with an attention grabber. Keeps up the pace. Uses a good blend of narration and dialogue….Just what the doctor ordered.
If I had to pick something that really hooked me I would say the voice.
Backed with pleasure.

Hi Gareth,

Wow, you've got the perfect dry wit to tell this story, and I'm very impressed at the level of creative detail you've used here. You rarely see many unique depictions on Heaven as original as yours, but you pull it off well with an effortless style that makes the paragraphs fly by.

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

This is a great premise, and I'm sure there's nothing like it on Authonomy, or anywhere else for that matter. Your version of Heaven is dark and humorous, with a sergeant I'm sure I've met before. Great dialogue and descriptive passages throughout. An enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

This is a great premise, and I'm sure there's nothing like it on Authonomy, or anywhere else for that matter. Your version of Heaven is dark and humorous, with a sergeant I'm sure I've met before. Great dialogue and descriptive passages throughout. An enjoyable read. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

There is such a fantastic amount of wit, dark and sarcastic, but thoughtful, in this piece that makes it stand out a mile. Melek is excellent, and I was really pulled in. One thing I did notice: "younger then him" that should be "than him".

Great work, and backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Hi Gareth,
I read chapter one and really enjoyed it.

I think you go into too much detail re. the three heart attacks, given that Bump! He's dead in a paragraph. That is a good shock and links back to the opening sentences well, but is just a little too long.

I really liked the following --

1. His indignation at the young doctor.
2. His anger at the doctor's incompetence.
3. 'magical Morphine Mecca'
4. description of relationship with Dad.
5. Dad's final words.
6. The female St. Peter
7. The first rule
8. The significance of level 99
9. So English..
10 Twenty One?

What I hadn't realised when I started to read this, but which becomes more and more obvious as i read on, is the wonderful humour, with witty thinking and great dialogue. I though it was a brilliant idea to make Heaven like the army -- touches of Bilko with attitude!

Backed with pleasure, Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

This is brilliant!!
Asda, just had to be Asda not shopping there if the monthly shopping is going to cost me the price of a bike!
Seriously you have a very deft touch to your humour and it is the little details like being shunned in heaven like he was on earth that build this into something special. Very funny and very good. – Good luck!

Hi Gareth,

One word...Brilliant.
Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Gabriel)

Dear Gareth --

We did not have time to read more than the Level 99 at present, but (and forgive our blasphemy), OH MY GOD. This is fabulous. Peter (Jones) Edwards is our perfect guide to Level 99 -- enough like us with his bad habits that you create a physical empathy (and frankly scare the heck out of us -- we will eat better) to his ambiguous nature (we will do more for our fellow man to avoid Level 99!). He seems a nice enough guy, but not great, which leads him to Level 99 and the front lines. Kurt Vonnegut Jr once said, "If there are such things as angels, I hope they are organized along the lines of the Mafia." Sadly, the military is the best they can do, and while it doesn't give us much hope for Heaven, we still dread the pains of hell. And Melek -- you open a whole new perspective on the afterlife with his character; as a through line for the whole book, we're guessing he's the best sort of hero/anti-hero, someone we'll come to love even when we ought to dislike him. Oh, excellent!

Only real suggestion: This could use a quick edit for small glitches ("off" when it should "of", some commas & things), but that's simple mechanics. We do not think you should trim the first chapter/story in any major way; Peter's backstory is absolutely necessary. (Don't know if anyone suggested that, but just in case.)

Funny, irreverent, incredibly imaginative, highly entertaining; we can't wait to read more, and we have zero qualms about backing Melek now, and telling everyone we know to come read it. Thanks for supporting The Long Black Veil because you brought us here. -- Delhui

Hi Gareth, The narrator’s spirit was amusing when he was recovering from his heart attacks. A good pace in which you could acquaint us with his background and bicycling history. His entrance into Heaven was equally appealing. Clever depictions of Peter and the Principalities’ information about their levels! Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Very clever use of foreshadowing right at the beginning and I like your use of the first person narrative. What you have posted so far is well written and well paced. Your character development is excellent, your use of imagery is solid and all this makes your finely crafted story a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Good writing and a strong voice. Funny too. Punctuation around dioalogue needs a little attention and for some reason E with an accent over it kept appearing in the text (formatiing issue?).

The story moved along well, although I did kind of suspect he would have an accident on the bike, that's quite an old gag. Still you carried it off with enough verve to get away with it I think.

Overall a very enjoyable piece. Backed.

What a great book and what great writing. Immensely enjoyable.

backed

Thoroughly entertaining. This picks you up and moves you, pressing buttons of all sorts along the way. Well done.

I loved the opening sentence--"I had brought the mountain bike because I was scared I was going to die." It begs so many questions that the reader has no choice but to read on. The story delivers. It’s fast paced and easy reading. The dialogue is solid, but it’s the voice and the underlying characterization it delivers that makes this book compelling. Like the simple two words he thinks when he’s told that his dad’s heart-attack would have killed him instantly—“Lucky bastard.” That tells us so much about him. And then, “Bang.” I loved it! My only suggestion is that you cut the first chapter into two or three. It will improve the pacing and readability. Congratulations. I’m proud to back this one!

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

MELEK:

Gareth,

The pitch. I would shorten it by cutting out the first half, and start with : Melek, a disgraced angel . . .

But once I started reading I was entranced. You have an amazing ability to draw the reader in with your vivid descriptions, your crisp, realistic dialogue, and your mastery of the first person narration. You also write it as it really is - raw. But you need to go over this, reading it out loud to yourself to sort out the punctuation. For instance, you need commas after speech, not full stops. Sort out this minor problem, and you'll have a novel of substance.

Backed.
Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

Hi Gareth, what a fantastic fantasy this is. I read the chapters you uploaded in no time at all. I found nothing to nit-pick and I have to say you should upload more. This could do very well here. Fantastic pace, great story, wonderful characters (particularly Melek). Delighted to back this

Carl
The Time Hunters

I've never read of a heart attack described in so few words yet so effectively. Terrified the life out of me. Thank heaven it didn't last too long and we got to the comedy. Loved the idea of words in Chinese, Zulu and Dutch exploding in Peter's head. And yet there's something unnerving about it too, especially the demon with the blue bile. I don't quite know what to make of it yet having read only the first chapter but it's unsettled me. Backed now because of brilliant narrative but will continue. Lynn

Hi Gareth, I'm not a fantasy, science fiction reader but liked your pitch so thought id give it a whirl. Perhaps its my lack of experience in your genre but I found other things lurking in the lines. I was intriuged by the storyline and happily read on every now and then you tripped me up with your very dry humour. Now I know this isnt a comedy but you have given it a comic twist in the way you write and I think that could open it up to a wider audience for you. I really found it entertaining and no, I have not been drinking. Best of luck
Hope you enjoy Knowing Liam Riley
Wilma1X

Cool stories. Backed.
Surely not 10,000 words? (Though I did skip some of the heaven stuff as I preferred when the character was alive. I always have the same problem in depictions of an Afterlife, of not being sure if it is meant to be heaven or hell or limbo..) But the parts of these stories set on earth, I really enjoyed.
Luk 7
ps some weird capital Es floating around in your text, but I expect a computer glitch you may already know about?

This is GREAT! You had me going a bit...the beginning read like any nice piece of fiction, a guy with heart problems, etc. BUT...then we get to Level 99 and of to the Frontlines. I found myself smiling as I read. This is very original and was a pleasure to read.


Lockjaw

I like books that have characters who are slightly flawed. So I loved this - because Melek is more than slightly flawed. He's a mess. His problems are what makes this story a good read, tho. And why I'm adding it to my bookshelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

A really good read, you definitely have a unique style to your writing.

Found a few helpful nits for you, hope you take them as intended, only some people take offence!

he said, not looking up (from) the folder.

Knowing what was coming next and the knowing what was coming, with 2 lines of each other, be careful of repition.

Happily shelved

Melxx

Yes, you certainly have a problem with overdosing on E! Other than that, this makes for an entertaining and funny read. Love your MC and his view of life, and death. Definitely ready to read more. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

zany and entertaining... shelved.
Not a lot here to judge it on but looks amazing
what are those capital E's doing in 4th paragraph?
Have fun with it!..........mikegilli The Free

Hi Gareth, Melek is a winner. I love your unique style.

backed
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

I enjoy your writing and how the stories interconnect. This book will fly up the charts.

I love this set of stories so far - plain and simple! You have a wonderful imagination and a gift for making your fantastical characters down to earth. I will return for more later but BACKED 100% now - I know I will want more of this so get busy uploading PLEASE :) !!! Wonderful and talented writing - one of my favorites here so far!

BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

I see that you are on many shelves but no one has bothered to truly comment you, so that honor will be mine, being Authonomy's #1 commentator. Spend some time on your pitches I cannot overemphasize how you need to master this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator