Book Jacket

 

rank 330
word count 96205
date submitted 30.03.2010
date updated 21.05.2013
genres: Thriller, Crime
classification: universal
complete

24 Hours From Tulse Hill

Fran Hiatt

Can a Scotland Yard detective recover from a bullet-shattered hip, damaged reputation, broken heart and his mid-life crisis? Does Bournemouth hold the answer?

 

Rob Trent is frightened, insecure, intolerant, vulnerable and a bit of a drama queen; just normal then for a bloke pushing forty.

Parting from his soul mate Sarah makes life unbearable for Trent, as well as for the people who have to work with him in New Scotland Yard's Bloc-Busters squad.

Self-pity leads to neglect of himself and his work, and he is shot during a raid on a gang of human traffickers by notorious gang leader, Gobek.

Convalescing in his seaside home town of Bournemouth, he tries to rid himself of his demons as well as his crutches. The local CID boss thinks Trent's salvation will come through helping his own depleted squad. Reluctantly Trent agrees and soon investigates the murder of a musician in an ABBA tribute band . Three women are murdered and a fourth missing, suggesting the work of a serial killer.

Trent is aided by a middle-aged detective constable trying to re-invent himself and a policewoman who thinks he's Mr Right. A corrupt detective inspector is convinced that Trent is agent provocateur, and his activities are linked both to Gobek and the musician.

 
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abba, acton, beach, bournemouth, chain ferry, christchurch, corfe castle, corruption, detective, dorset, ducati 916, fiat 500, glamour model, good cha...

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The Full English

In Westbrook’s office the mood was tense as the big DCS tried to separate Trent and James in their verbal fisticuffs over Lenny Porter.

  ‘Now George Davis has matched the older paint from the damaged boat to traces found on the roof Gillian Porter’s Jeep’s, and DNA samples in the load bay prove that Cindy had been in there,’ said Westbrook, ‘old fashioned logic  suggests to me that it was Gillian Porter who killed Cindy Banks, she had motive enough. But all we can be sure of is that her car was definitely used to dispose of the body.’

  ‘That’s just it,’ James said, ‘Lucy had access to the car as well, and the shed and the golf clubs.’

   ‘It belonged to Gillian, and as I said before, Wyn, how could Lucy Hunter have known about the yacht club slipway?’ Trent replied. ‘It’s not exactly public knowledge.’

  ‘Well as I tried to tell you before we came in here, Sarge, I can help you with that if you’ll both let me get a word in,’ said James, ‘I went for a drive yesterday up the M3 to Basingstoke to see Lucy’s parents, and got a few more photos of her.’

  ‘That’s a bit above and beyond, DC James, sacrificing a day off to go to Basingstoke of all places,’ said Westbrook, looking concerned, ‘I can’t pay you any overtime you know.’

  ‘I didn’t do it for the overtime, Sir,’ James replied with a hint of irritability in his tone, ‘look Lucy Hunter’s still on a Missing Persons Report and I felt that we needed to reassure her folks that we’re doing all we can to find her.’

  ‘I don’t suppose she’s been in touch with them has she,’ Westbrook asked hopefully.

  ‘No, I’d have said if she had,’ James replied, even more irritably, ‘but I did find out that the reason she came down here in the first place was because her parents used to bring her here right from when she was a kid and she still loves Bournemouth. They used to own a small cabin cruiser which was racked up and stored, guess where?’

  ‘The yacht club at Sandbanks by any chance?’ Trent replied, hoping that it wasn’t.

   James nodded his head slowly, ‘I checked with that secretary bloke when I got back and the Hunters had been members right up until 2006 when they sold the boat.’

  ‘Good for you, James,’ Westbrook replied, ‘the trouble is, it still doesn’t prove anything, three people had access to Gillian Porter’s car.’

   Trent agreed, ‘Exactly, and as far as I’m concerned Gillian Porter murdered the two girls, possibly three if Lucy’s body ever turns up. Then, as I keep saying Wyn, Lenny must have killed his missus after he found out. She may even have taunted him with it who knows?’

  ‘Why don’t you both listen to Common Sense for once? I’m telling you Lenny is innocent,’ James pleaded, ‘it’s Lucy Hunter we should be questioning.’

  ‘So you keep saying, Constable,’ Westbrook replied, using the mention of James’s lowly rank to put him in his place, ‘but until we find the elusive Ms Hunter, dead or alive, it’s just not going to happen.’

  ‘Don’t forget Gillian Porter denied knowing Cindy from the photograph we showed her when we first went to talk to Lenny,’ Trent said, ‘she made up some excuse about not having her reading specs on.’

   ‘Gillian thought the world of Lenny, she wouldn’t say anything that could get him into trouble,’ replied James, ‘besides would you want anyone to find out your husband had been caught in bed with an attractive young bird? She may have lied but she was only trying to protect Lenny and her self-respect.’

  ‘Have you been reading psychology books, James? I’d stick to The Beano if I was you, much more your style,’ said Westbrook unkindly.

  James was angry at the put down and was just about to give his boss the verbal battering he deserved when Trent cut in.

   ‘I thought you’d come up with something the other day, Wyn, Wareham wasn’t it?’

  ‘Not really, one of the locals up there thought a girl matching Lucy’s description had just started work in The Bull Hotel, but he was only a Constable so I don’t know why I bothered taking him seriously,’ James replied tetchily,  ‘needless to say it wasn’t her.’

  ‘Well you’d be wasting your time in Wareham anyway,’ replied Trent, ‘you said her parents told you it was Bournemouth she loved, so why would she want to go to Wareham? If she’s anywhere mate it’ll be here, probably working in another B&B or hotel.’

   ‘Makes sense I suppose,’ agreed James, ‘it’ll take a bloody long time to find her though, do you know how many hotels and guest houses there are?’

  Westbrook smiled, ‘If we make a start now you should have them all covered by the autumn.’

  ‘Why not just publish her photograph in The Echo,’ suggested James, ‘someone’s bound to recognise her and come forward.’

  ‘No, we can’t take that chance,’ Trent replied, ‘if she saw it she’d just do a runner. At least we know there’s a good chance she’s still in town somewhere, and she might stick around for a while. She’s bound to turn up sooner or later.’

  ‘Well for Lenny’s sake sooner would be better,’ said James, ‘he’s still trying to get over Gillian’s death and being locked in a cell won’t help the grieving process will it? He may even top himself given half the chance.’

   ‘Don’t say that for Heaven’s sake,’ Westbrook said, ‘I was the one who had him prematurely retired, I don’t want his suicide on my conscience as well.’

   ‘If Lucy’s still got feelings for Lenny why not let him flush her out for us?’ said James, smiling at his own idea, ‘she was still holding a candle for him, amongst other things, at The Martham Court the other night.’

  ‘What if she smells a rat,’ argued Westbrook, ‘after all the bloke’s wife has just been murdered; not exactly an ideal time to rekindle the dying flames of a clandestine love affair is it?'

'Thankfully with all the press interest in Ricky Parr, Lenny has been kept out of the newspapers so far,’ replied Trent enthusiastically, ‘there was a report on Gillian’s murder but Lenny didn’t get much of a mention. So if we back Wyn’s theory about Lucy Hunter we may as well let Lenny go and just keep tabs on him in case she meets up with him.’

   ‘We’d be better off getting him in here helping us, Sarge,’ replied James, ‘I’m sure he’s as anxious as we are to find Gillian’s killer and clear his name, which had got to be better than sitting around brooding all day on his own, the poor sod.’

  The Blue Lamp seemed eerily silent without the omnipresent Gillian Porter flitting from room to room keeping a watchful eye on things. On the night of her murder the guests had been moved to other Bed and Breakfast establishments, and the house now felt as cold and lifeless as its former landlady.

  ‘I can't stay here,’ said Lenny staring at the closed door to the lounge, ‘it’s no good I'll have to stop somewhere else.’

  ‘No chance, Lenny,’ said Trent, ‘if we want to find Lucy Hunter we need you here. I know it's difficult but it's only down to Wyn that you're not off to the Magistrates Court to be put on remand. If Wyn’s right we need to catch this bloody woman as soon as possible.’

  ‘Well I'm not staying here on my own,’ Lenny said looking round, ‘I keep hearing Gillian moving about, and I half expect her to come down the stairs any minute to tell me off for something.’

  ‘Don't worry, Lenny, me and Wyn will be here,’ Trent replied reassuringly, ‘you can stay in one of the guest rooms if you’d prefer.’

  ‘No thank you, have you seen our guest rooms?’ Lenny replied, ‘I'll stick to our bedroom; my bedroom as it is now. I’ll have to get used to it sooner or later, although I may put the place on the market. I mean what do I know about running a B&B?’

  After Forensics had finished the murder scene in the lounge had been cleaned up by specialist contractors used by the police, but the end pieces of blue and white police tape still adhered to each side of the door frame, creating a psychological barrier which none of the three men wanted to cross.

  In the kitchen Trent made tea whilst James stood outside the back door smoking. Lenny punched the buttons on his mobile to create a text message. He selected Lucy Hunter's number from his contacts list and pressed ‘Send’, staring at the ‘phone, optimistically expecting an immediate reply.

  After spending the rest of the day sorting through his wife’s personal effects, Lenny suggested that the three of them head into town for a meal and a few drinks.

  In the newly opened Bar Salona the three men sat around a corner table in the former furniture store.

  ‘That sushi was lovely, Wyn, you should have had some instead of that boring old steak and chips,’ said Lenny burping loudly, ‘you ought to be a bit more adventurous, step out of the 1970s for a change.’

  ‘I’ve had it before and it doesn’t agree with me, Lenny, it gives me the trots,’ James replied, and sang, ‘if you knew sushi like I know sushi.’

 Both men laughed before draining their glasses, and Trent stood up to go to the bar for another round. As he stood waiting with his twenty pound note in his outstretched hand trying to catch the myopic barmaid’s eye, he felt a jab in the back. He turned and looked down into the playful eyes of an attractive young woman smiling up at him, and although there was a spark of recognition in his face he couldn't quite place her.

  ‘Hello you,’ she said, studying his puzzled expression.

  The penny suddenly dropped as he recognized Tara English, and he couldn't help but grin with delight.

  ‘Ms Tara English, what brings you here?’ Trent said happily, as if bumping into a long lost friend

  ‘I was stood up by a workmate so I was just about to get a taxi home, when I spotted you and your giggling mate with that other bloke over there,’ she explained, 'I'd read in the 'paper that you'd caught Stuart Lunde's killers, so I just wanted to check with you that me and Kate have been crossed off the list of prime suspects.’

‘Yes,’ Trent replied nodding sadly, ‘I wanted to bring you in for further questioning, but unfortunately we caught the culprits before I had the chance.’

' I see, so what sort of questions had you in mind?’

  Trent thought for a moment, ‘Well to start with, what would you like to drink?’

‘Orange juice, no ice,’ she said coolly.

    Trent finally coaxed the barmaid over by waving the twenty pound note around like a flag on The Queen’s Jubilee, ordered the drinks and turned eagerly back to look at Tara.

'So what line of work are you in, Tara?'

'I'm PA to the Finance Director at the Yank Bank.'

'And your workmate, what does he do?'

'He's a she, and does pretty much the same as me for another director,' she replied, smiling 'and to save you the bother of fishing any deeper, Detective Sergeant, no I don't have a boyfriend at the moment.'

'I am surprised', Trent said, returning the smile, 'that's a crime in itself.

'That's nice of you to say so,' Tara said, blushing, 'but if you knew me better you'd know how difficult I am to please.'

'Well if you're throwing down a challenge what are you doing on Saturday evening around eight?’

She put the long pearlescent manicured nail of her forefinger to her mouth, moving her bottom lip up and down teasingly with the squared off tip.

‘I don't know if I can answer that question, Sergeant. I don't think I'll have an alibi, but you'll have to allow me to make my 'phone call?’

‘Oh,’ Trent said, failing to conceal a look of disappointment.

‘Well give me your number then?’ she said laughing, ‘I'm out with the BIMBOS on Saturday so I'm not sure what time we'll be back so I'll have to call you.’

  ‘ The Bimbos?’ replied Trent, taking out a Biro and hastily scribbling his mobile number on the back of a cigarette paper and handing it to her.

  ‘Bournemouth Italian Motorcycle Bitches Organization, we're an all woman biker club and we're off for a track day at the Thruxton circuit on Saturday morning,’ she explained, copying his number into her mobile.

  ‘You've got a motorbike?’ replied an enthusiastic Trent.

  ‘It would be pointless joining a biker’s club without one, Mr Detective. I have a Ducati 916,’ she replied matter of factly, ‘if you know what one is.’

   ‘Fantastic, of course I do,’ said Trent sounding awestruck, ‘I've got a Fireblade.’

   ‘Really?’ her pencil point thin eyebrows rose briefly in surprise, before her eyes crinkled slightly, radiating even more warmth from her gaze as the beginning of a smirk appeared from the corner of her inviting mouth, ‘well let me know when you decide to buy a proper bike and perhaps we could go out for a ride together some time.’

  Trent's mobile rang for a few seconds but he ignored it.

  ‘Do you want to write your number down for me?’ Trent asked hopefully, offering her the pen.

  'Get in the twenty first century DS Trent, that noise you just heard was me sending it to you. Now all you have to do is save it in your contacts folder, you know what that is, under the name 'Tara', that's T-A-R-A.'

  'Sorry, you must think I'm a right old duffer, I'm not really into modern day technology.'

  'I realised that when you told me you had a Fireblade,' she laughed, her eyes burning so brightly that Trent knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

  Trent carried the drinks over to the table and Tara followed him. After introducing her to Lenny, James nodded at her sheepishly, recalling Tara’s wicked taste in underwear when he'd sneakily searched her bedroom. The four chatted about anything other than police work and Gillian Porter, and as Lenny had been drinking heavily since before dinner he soon switched into lounge lizard mode and tried to chat up Tara. Trent's mobile rang and he stood up and walked away to take the call, it was Sergeant Cripps.

  ‘Are you never off duty?’ said Trent.

  ‘I need all the overtime I can get,’ replied Sergeant Cripps, ‘it’s difficult  maintaining a lower middle-class lifestyle on working class wages, not like you young single fellows, money to burn. Anyway I’ve just had a sighting of this Lucy Hunter bird come in. One of our mountain bike patrols saw someone very like her coming out of the Weynor Gardens Hotel in Chine Road.’

  ‘Okay, when was this?’ replied Trent.

 ‘About twenty minutes ago, they were keeping tabs on her but she jumped on a bus heading into town. They’ve gone back to the hotel to see if they can find out if it is her, and whether she’s a guest or staff.’

  ‘Okay thanks, put me and Wyn down on this and we’ll go and see if she gets off in town. What’s the bus number?’

  ‘Twenty four, it’s a yellow one,’ Cripps replied, ‘you should see it pull up by The Square if you hurry, unless she jumps off before of course.’

  Trent tapped James on the shoulder, made their excuses to Tara and Lenny and rushed from the bar. They hurried down Old Christchurch Road and through the pedestrian precinct at the bottom leading to Bournemouth Square. The bus stops were grouped together on a dedicated buses and taxis only road, and Trent went to the right side closest to The Gardens and sat on a bench. James loitered in a shop doorway smoking and looking shifty, bursting for a pee.

  As each bus arrived they looked at its number, but checked the disembarking passengers regardless. After twenty minutes the number twenty four pulled up and they nodded across to each other. James stood near the rear of the vehicle and Trent at the front., joining the end of the short queue of passengers waiting to board. As the last passenger stepped down on to the pavement Trent walked to the front of the queue and showed his warrant card to the driver along with a photograph of Lucy Hunter.

  ‘No mate, there were lots of pretty young girls just got off though; hen party at The Royal Exeter's wine bar, two stops back.’

 

  A young woman sat at an empty table a few feet behind Lenny and Tara's table, sipping a glass of white wine. She watched the two of them chatting and laughing with each other.

Tara soon tired of Lenny Porter’s lewd remarks and dirty jokes, and ten minutes later she made her excuses to leave. He offered to escort her to the taxi rank at the top of the road and reluctantly she agreed, just to shut him up.

The young woman followed them out of the bar, and Lenny and Tara walked arm in arm up the hill. Lenny was swaying from side to side, bursting into snippets of romantic songs like a drunken uncle at a wedding reception. The streets were almost deserted and a solitary yellow cab waited at the rank with its engine running and Tara opened the rear door.

‘Winton please,’ she said to the driver, ‘eighty seven Weybourne Road.’

Lenny put his arm around her waist, pulling her close to him, whispering in her ear. She pushed him away gently, laughing at his remark and he lurched forwards and tried to kiss her on the lips.

‘Let's go home now, Lenny,’ she suggested kindly, ‘time for bed.’

She held his playful hands at bay like a scuba-diver fending off a curious octopus, pecking him on the cheek before hastily climbing into the rear seat of the car and closing the door. As the taxi started to draw away from the kerb, Lenny pulled the door open and clambered in beside her.

‘I love you, Tara,’ he said, ‘my lovely new friend Tara, but as much as I love you I need to go home, I don't feel at all well.'

'Can we drop my friend off on the way please Mr Driver? Where is it you live, Lenny?'

'The Blue Lamp, luxurious hotel up the West Cliff. Opulence anyone can afford at just seventeen quid a night, bring your own bath plug.'

Lenny had a fit of the giggles for a few moments before drifting off to sleep in Tara's arms, his head rolling backwards. A slur of dribble ran from the corner of his mouth and rested in the grey stubble on his chin

The young woman stood waiting at the empty taxi rank, stamping her feet impatiently on the pavement. It was several minutes before a dirty yellow Peugeot 406 taxi pulled alongside.

‘Where to, love?’ the driver enquired through the open window of the front passenger door.

‘Winton,’ she replied, ‘eighty seven Weybourne Road.’

 

Chapters

24

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MC Storm wrote 44 days ago

I read through the first chapter. Well I must say there is certainly plenty of action throughout. The dialogue amongst the three cops is great. You get a sense of who they are. The sarge, the newbie. I really thought something was going to happen to him when two pairs of powerful arms seized Trent from behind! The next sentence i caught a small typo:
Wrenching him away , he was forced him to relinquish his hold....guess either they forced him or he was forced to relinquish...
Overall, well writen and a great start I've given this high stars.
MC Exposed

Seringapatam wrote 49 days ago

Fran, This is my kind of book and I like what Trent is all about. I like the challenges you have in store for him and how he deals with them. that in itself tells me how much work you have done before you started writing and then again once you started this magnificent book. I just love how well it is written and I feel you had me hooked at such an early stage. So so well done and I wish you all the luck in the world.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

franhiatt wrote 367 days ago

I felt immediately that I was an onlooker, transposed from my place of comfort to the dark, dank and threatening warehouse confrontation. An action packed start that promises well for the chapetrs that follow and instantly hook the reader.
The only achilles heel - the variable quality of the much used similies. Some brilliant, others (e.g. 'Trent's heart was pounding like a heavy metal drum solo') struggling in my view to earn their place in the otherwise excellent and authentic sounding dialogue and fast moving chronicle of events.
Tony C - about to submit 'Happenstance'



Thanks for the terrific comment, and I've now removed 'heavy metal drum solo' . Thanks.

Tony C wrote 375 days ago

I felt immediately that I was an onlooker, transposed from my place of comfort to the dark, dank and threatening warehouse confrontation. An action packed start that promises well for the chapetrs that follow and instantly hook the reader.
The only achilles heel - the variable quality of the much used similies. Some brilliant, others (e.g. 'Trent's heart was pounding like a heavy metal drum solo') struggling in my view to earn their place in the otherwise excellent and authentic sounding dialogue and fast moving chronicle of events.
Tony C - about to submit 'Happenstance'

franhiatt wrote 390 days ago

Fran,
Brilliant writing.
Found two little grammar errors or typos.
Great work though, clean smooth copy and compelling words..
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen



Chapter 1 now corrected, thanks. I'm constantly editing all my stuff on here, but I still miss a few things.

fledglingowl wrote 391 days ago

Fran,
Brilliant writing. Only read the first chapter but goodness, what a sympathetic and heroic character you've got in Trent. Just read Adeel's book on Not for Sale, then open this and we're back trafficking humans. Small world, but just a wonderful beginning, totally hooked. Like the medic and the dog bit, like all of this. The superhuman restraint we require of our protectors against the vilest and meanest of human beings. Give me Dirty Harry any day. Poor Trent , his wife left him, the big goofus is hurt and alone.
You just punched all my buttons and I can't wait to read more.
High stars for now, will keep you on my watchlist until I've read more. But it is great.
Found two little grammar errors or typos. First is in the sentence -- most gang members has slipped into the U.K. -- change has to have or had
Second, He just wanted to alone, locked away. - to be alone.
Great work though, clean smooth copy and compelling words..
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

Shelby Z. wrote 402 days ago

Thrilling opener here. I enjoy the way it gets right into exciting elements. The thrill is heavy and drawing to the reader's interest.
I would say to add something about the accent the man has int eh beginning. Give a hint describe it.
The opener flows very very well. I like the action of what is happening.
Not too excited about the swear words, but otherwise, I really enjoyed the action of it.
Super work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. When you have time, Please take a looked at my pirate adventure. :)

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 414 days ago

This is a real mixture of comedy and despair. Trent reminded me of a mixture of cops from TV series. The main one I thought of when he was laying into the perpetrator was Jean Hunt from Life On Mars. Trent obviously has major issues which I am sure will become clear later on. Well written and entertaining. I will read on because I am intrigued to find out what happens to the Abba tribute musician (sounds like something that would happen in Blackpool)

Kim (Pain)

SouthernBrat wrote 448 days ago

Excellent, and to think I was heading to bed. Love the way it flows, very easy to get hooked. Thanks for sharing.

RoyEarle93 wrote 496 days ago

I was really impressed by your first chapter, it is written very well and fast paced, and is loaded with tension. You build your characters very well too.

Roy Earle, "Bad Men and Bad Odds"

Good Luck!

Bobby's Girl wrote 498 days ago

Genuine tension and loads of humour as well. A great combination! Rated and backed.

Crispy wrote 501 days ago

Hi Fran,

I just started to read your book having been pulled in by the "play on words" title. This is brilliant. Fast paced and dramatic. The characterisation is spot on and I loved the fact his stubble was "more derelict than designer". I will be reading on and may comment further.

Perhaps you would do me the honour of glancing at Marking Time; a satire on the English education system, with an otter.

Good luck
Crispy

Rover Rabbit wrote 528 days ago

Hi, I have just read the first chapter which I think is impressive. I think that you have an eye for injustice and use it to good effect as a balance to Trent's gung-ho attitude towards the criminals. I wish the police were really so capable and brave....I will continue reading and I'm not going to comment on your composition. To me it runs very well... I hope the rest continues in the same vein.
Barry (Between Caligula's Toes)

sully wrote 529 days ago

I've just stuck five stars on your bonce - keep that editing going,
Good luck, Sully.

franhiatt wrote 531 days ago

Amongst the many do's and don'ts in the book, he emphasises the need to edit,edit and edit again. To pare it down to the bare bones.
Good luck Sully x



Excellent advice. Editing is quite a chore but a necessary one.Although writers hate cutting out what they think are good words that the story needs, losing the dross improves the reading experience. Thanks

sully wrote 533 days ago

Hi Fran. The story is beginning to build nicely in the second chapter, but I still think you should be more ruthless with your editing. You should read Stephen King's book 'On Writing'. Amongst the many do's and don'ts in the book, he emphasises the need to edit,edit and edit again. To pare it down to the bare bones.
However successful an author is, the first draft will never be the one that we see in the book shop. It may take a dozen or so drafts before the publisher is happy with the end product. For instance, near the beginning of chap 2: 'Fast approaching forty.... in a crowded coffee shop'. The sentence is not concise and lacks impact. Perhaps: ' He was fast approaching forty and not one for holding down long term relationships. But he had been smitten by the attractive young lady who'd shared his table in a crowded coffee shop.' By separating the sentence the two pieces of information have a slightly more dramatic effect.
And the next para: 'After an hour of conversation in the cafe.....see her again'. The sentence makes sense but doesn't flow too well. Maybe: 'They had enjoyed an hour of conversation in the coffee shop. When they parted Trent was too unsure of himself to ask to see her again'.
One more example of less is more: 'Westbrook sank his bulk into Trent's father's old winged-backed leather armchair...' It's a visual mouthful. and unless Trent's father is an integral part of the story it just gets in the way. 'Westbrook sank his bulk into an old wing-backed armchair and sipped his cup of tea'. It's cleaner, sharper and to the point. If it is not essential to the story-telling, get rid of it. Too much unnecessary waffle can come across as trying to pad out the story just to up the wordcount.
I hope you're not offended by my remarks Fran. We all do it - try too hard to impress and just end up muddying the water.
If you get to read my novel feel free to rip me apart. Good luck Sully x

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 544 days ago

Dear Fran

This book is as good, if not better than its sequel, which I read first. That's me, always getting things the wrong way round. This book has all the ingredients of best writing, including realism in spades, clear plot, believable lovely, ambiguous characters and accurate, great writing. A really enviable basket of skills. Oh, and you are reliably consistent too, which is a great bonus.

I love the witty chapter headings.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

franhiatt wrote 552 days ago

Impressive first chapter - sharp writing, tense and fast moving. Plenty of humour but be careful. I wouldn't try to put quite as much humour in the story, as it can detract from the seriousness of the situation in which Trent finds himself.
Also, I think some of your sentences are too long and therefore lose some of their impact. Hope you don't mind me giving you two examples: The sentence (near the beginning) that starts - 'They were observing a group of young men....' It would be much easier on the eye and pack more punch if there was a full stop after 'container' and then: It was parked in the internal loading bay inside the front of the warehouse. The austere vessel sat behind two locked, roller shutter doors.'
The second is in the next paragraph: I think a full stop after 'They were known as The Bloc-Busters' ( a great name by the way) would highlight your clever title; otherwise it gets lost in a sentence that's longer than my garden.
Then a full stop after 'Europe', then, 'These villains plied....'
It is a vital tip that was passed on to me by a harsh literary critic - hope your not offended. Sully.



Thanks, I always appreciate constructive comments and criticism, I'm here to learn. I've re-edited Chapter 1 now, which reads much better. The humour isn't comedy as such, it's just the way we are in those situations.

You may want to try the second book in the series, 'Cold Hearts and Candy Floss', but be warned Chapter 1 will make you cry.

Sheilab wrote 552 days ago

What's not to like about a book with Abba and Acton as tags? This is very pacy and very funny. I've only read the first chapter but hope to read more. On my shelf and will keep in my list to read on when I get a chance.
Sheila

sully wrote 552 days ago

Impressive first chapter - sharp writing, tense and fast moving. Plenty of humour but be careful. I wouldn't try to put quite as much humour in the story, as it can detract from the seriousness of the situation in which Trent finds himself.
Also, I think some of your sentences are too long and therefore lose some of their impact. Hope you don't mind me giving you two examples: The sentence (near the beginning) that starts - 'They were observing a group of young men....' It would be much easier on the eye and pack more punch if there was a full stop after 'container' and then: It was parked in the internal loading bay inside the front of the warehouse. The austere vessel sat behind two locked, roller shutter doors.'
The second is in the next paragraph: I think a full stop after 'They were known as The Bloc-Busters' ( a great name by the way) would highlight your clever title; otherwise it gets lost in a sentence that's longer than my garden.
Then a full stop after 'Europe', then, 'These villains plied....'
It is a vital tip that was passed on to me by a harsh literary critic - hope your not offended. Sully.

sully wrote 552 days ago

Hi Fran. Just arrived on the site a few weeks ago. I like the sound of 24 hours it was a well worn joke when I was in the money market so you have my attention. Will get my nose stuck into it today. Would appreciate it if you would check out my novel Reasonabl Force. I also write poetry and perform stand-up musical comedy - writing songs about members of my audience. Up to this point my nose remains unbroken. If you have yesterday's Daily Mail my poem about Dawn French featured on page 48. Good luck, we need it in this industry. Cheers, Sully.

Jed Oliver wrote 564 days ago

Nicely Written! You do a good job of building sympathy for your PC, as well as developing his personality. From the first chapter, you had me wishing him well. I read four chapters, and can see the story developing nicely. Very best of luck with this. Starred and backed. Best Regards, Jed Oliver (French Roast and Lingerie)

Charles Bunton wrote 568 days ago

Very readable even if the 'Sarge', the setting and the villains are a bit BBC!
Best wishes
Stewart

Lynne wrote 572 days ago

I see you are still editing and so I won't nit-pick over your punctuation. I found this highly entertaining and hope to read more later. Backed with pleasure. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

franhiatt wrote 572 days ago

I don't believe you capitalize "sir".



Thanks for pointing that out, you're perfectly correct. I've changed the master copy now.

Brian Downes wrote 572 days ago

I've read chapters one and two, and you have succeeded in making me curious about what will happen with Trent, Cythia, Trent's new off-the-books assignment, the human trafficker from Eastern Europe, and Trent's old girlfriend. And that's the most important thing a writer can do.

There's some debate on this point, and the Queen's English may vary from Standard American, but I don't believe you capitalize "sir".

franhiatt wrote 573 days ago

The actual storytelling and language use really is top-notch, though I do agree with the comment below saying it could do with a good edit.



Thanks for the good advice, I've just edited Chapter 1 again and it does read a lot better. I will hack away at the other 26 chapters in due course.

whoster wrote 573 days ago

Comments on first chapter. Very skilled story telling and some lovely descriptive terms. 'Bloc-Busters' raised a smile, '...a mixture of Broken English and broken teeth,' and '...splitting both lips like burst chipolatas' are all superb. I'm not so sure about one or two of the other examples. I'd take out the 'stag party' reference in the sentence - 'He closed his eyes as his temples started to pound (rhymthmically like a stag party hangover), and prayed for the pain to stop.' I think this could help the flow of the reading, and also put more of a premium on your sparingly used other terms.

Minor typo: During the Cornish pasty mini-saga, you've missed a full stop - ...I'll make you eat two(.) Now give your....

No Man's Land (I think I'm correct in saying) should be 'nomansland.'

One sentence I'd be tempted to restructure is, "...adrenalin pumping round his system..." Perhaps - "...adrenalin pumping round his system slowed to the relative crawl of a hundred miles an hour" might work better and slightly economise it.

Very near the end of the chapter I'd be also tempted trim things up. - "If not, she'd read all about it in the papers. At the very least it should make the front page of 'The Evening Standard' and 'Metro' (obviously still in italics - which I can't use here). I don't think it's necessary to use 'London' or 'free,' and certainly not necessary to use the word 'newspapers' twice in consecutive sentences.

The actual storytelling and language use really is top-notch, though I do agree with the comment below saying it could do with a good edit. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how bloody tedious editing is, but I think you need to balance your obvious love for writing prolifically with the need for painstaking nit-picking. I gave my book a very thorough edit after a few agents told me, in so many words, it needed 'trimming and economising.' It really can make a huge difference, and the quality of your writing deserves it!

This is in the queue for a backing - quality descriptiveness and wry humour is always something I want to support. In the meantime, pleased to give it plenty of stars.

franhiatt wrote 580 days ago

This has all the right ingredients for a winner but needs a rigorous edit..



Thanks for the comments. I can write stories all day and every day but I find editing difficult. Take a look at the sequel 'Cold Hearts and Candy Floss' and see if this is better. I wrote it in three weeks and edited it today.

Hermione wrote 580 days ago

This has all the right ingredients for a winner but needs a rigorous edit. Better punctuation, including breaking up some longer sentences, would make a big difference. On my watchlist...

AMW wrote 581 days ago

Starting in media res is often mentioned as the best approach. However, in this piece, I felt the need for a line or two before the dialogue begins. Perhaps something along the lines of: Trent motioned for the detective constable to move to the right as they approached the man crouched by the corner of the warehouse.... or something similar. Immediately tells us we're dealing with police, they're approaching some sort of suspect, and the setting is a warehouse. Then maybe have the DC slap on the cuffs while Trent waves his warrant card. Oh, and how did they keep the bad guy from yelling out an alarm?

Your dialogue is very good and there are some very funny bits. You might consider removing the adverbs describing the characters' speech... "he said, defiantly", "remarked dryly" etc. Just go with a simple he said or better, the man said when referring to the criminal. Then show the defiance or the dryness either in the words or the body language.

I was bothered that Trent was so verbally threatening in this opening lines, and was relieved when he pushed the man "gently" on his back and threatened him with Cornish pastys. Remember, we don't know Trent yet, so his threatening to do physical harm initially can throw us off. I really began to like him after the Cornish pasty line.

Take a look at the paragraph beginning: As Trent moved slowly and quietly along the passage.. You've presented the same information two ways. I know you want the reader to get that Trent is tortured, but you don't have to rush that information. Feed it to us a bit at a time. His actions let us in on that as well as his thoughts.

You present a vivid scene inside the warehouse, although, I was expecting Trent to handcuff the guy. Trying to hold on to a "tall, well-built" bad guy while fishing out a warrant card is hard for me to picture... well actually, I picture the bad guy escaping! I would also expect more fight out of the bad guy. You might consider making him a smaller man? Other than that, I thought the interaction was well done and vividly presented.

One small thing for you to watch throughout is your use of "he". At times you are referring to Trent, sometimes to the criminal or the photographer, and it's not always clear. When I read "he", since I'm in Trent's POV, I think Trent before reading a word or two more and realizing you mean the other guy in the scene.

Personally, I find the reference to Trent's bad breath a turn-off. Also when referring to his eyes ("tired blue and blood shot") keep in mind description is often more powerful when it is more focused.

After Trent is shot, I doubt he'd be able to stand, let alone walk. And I'm bothered that both Trent and the dog handler were both so quick to attack suspects. Perhaps it's reality, but it still throws me a bit.

After Trent is shot, the initial part of the chapter repeats. Probably some kind of computer glitch... take a look.

You have a strong voice and this opening has a lot of energy. I'm giving it 4 stars and putting it on my watch list. Good luck.

Ann Warner - Absence of Grace

Kris Mikelson wrote 591 days ago

Punctuation is a little off but WOW you hit the nail on the head! Giving it 4 stars and putting it on my shelf to finish. Impressive. Engrossing. Extremely engaging!

The Only Toojiboo wrote 593 days ago

After reading the write-ups, especially Lj Traffords, I'm going to give it whirl...I do like black comedy.

Forgotten Treasure wrote 602 days ago

This is good. Will back without even reading chapter 2.
Ron Ron

Lj Trafford wrote 602 days ago

Gosh this is good. I really engrossing, funny, crime read. And, AND the quips are funny! In a world of movies with such lame one liners, shoe horned in because thats what you do since Bond - yours are generally good. The tone is comic yet what you write about, from the first chapter of sex slavery is hard hitting and somehow you make the jokey and the tough work. Big well done.
I also like the Bournemouth setting, which makes a nice change from big city crime novels.
Favourite line? The bit about if you can remember betamax and dexys midnight runners you have no right chatting up young barmaids.
Backed. Best thing I've read in a while.

celticwriter wrote 609 days ago

Hi Fran, you grabbed with me with your synopsis, and didn't let go.
Nice tale!

blessings,
jim

franhiatt wrote 633 days ago

Pedantry corner - there is no such paper with the London Evening Standard



Thanks for the comments Strachan, I get the Evening Standard most days and you can see by the link that officially it calls itself the London Evening Standard, http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/, which most people know it as.There is no such newspaper as the Bournemouth Bugle, which is also mentioned, but I wouldn't want to advertise the real local rag.

strachan gordon wrote 634 days ago

I love the detail about the murder of the Abba tribute band member ,if only it had actually been the band itself say in about 1978 , when they presumably had never made a record , what an agreeable developement that would have been. I think you have caught an excellent tone which verges at times on affectionate brutality ,also you have introduced a really good idea of convalescing in Bournemouth and then getting caught in mayhem. Pedantry corner - there is no such paper with the London Evening Standard on its masthead , it is just called the Evening Standard. Sorry about that , I debated with the impulse to resist telling you , but failed . I wonder if you would have the time to look at the first chapter of my novel 'A Buccaneer' , which is about Pirates in the 17th century, with best wishes Strachan Gordon. Watchlisted.

Jesse Powell wrote 646 days ago

Lol, I like Arnie, Stand and Eric. So Trent has two steamy affairs-ish with Cynthia and Sarah. Is Sarah's tale there to showcase Trent? or does she return? I like the errogenous baiting, well done. Complecated storywriting. You know, you could even begin with Chapter 3, but I like the action-prologue then protag intro in one. You get to an editor, you could open that as an option to show flexability.

Ian Walkley wrote 648 days ago

The pitch got me in. Something kept me reading, not quite sure what. I liked some of the humour in the Trent character. As a prologue it is too long, I think. Why not make it chapter 1? Best of luck with it. Ian

CharlieChuck wrote 694 days ago

Fran
The title attracted me, I think 24hrs from Tulse hill was a Carter USM song from back in the nineties, I may be wrong though, I usually am. I read the first chapter, you built up good pace and I was immersed in the story. Couldn't see any typos, enjoyed it.
Charlie

MarieG wrote 706 days ago

Hi Fran. A good first chapter - lots of tension and action, well done. Added to my watch list. Marie

franhiatt wrote 742 days ago

Hi Fran, is this a single book or is it part of a series? I was absolutely hooked right through but am now quite confused by the end and i think I will need to do some rereading to try and make sense if it.



Apologies for the confusion but the choice of ending was to leave 'unfinished business' , so that the end of the story wasn't too cosy and happy ever. It demonstrated that the main villain, Gobek, was still able to flex his muscle from behind prison walls, but fortunately for Trent he failed. It also left it open for me to write a sequel, using the same police characters, and Gobek is dealt with early on so it will be a separate story in its own right.

I hope to complete this soon, but as with most people, pressures of the day job limit my writing time and its taking longer than it should. This is a shame because I've two more completely different books in note form that I also want to complete, and I have had people interested in Measuring For Curtains as a stage play.

I should have married someone rich so I could sit in the drawing room of the country pile gazing out across manicured lawns, sipping a Bucks Fizz and tapping away novel after novel on my laptop, in-between coffee mornings, opening village fetes and arranging flowers in the church.

C.E.Wildgoose wrote 742 days ago

Hi Fran, is this a single book or is it part of a series? I was absolutely hooked right through but am now quite confused by the end and i think I will need to do some rereading to try and make sense if it... Ce

LadyRobertson126 wrote 750 days ago

Great start! You paint a great picture and its not all black, I love the wry humour in there. Backed with pleasure.
If you get a chance have a look at What Lies Within by Audrey Finch
TheLady

writingbear wrote 753 days ago

Fran,
I was looking at your book again and I still like it, so I decided to back it. Please take a look at either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND for you possible backing. Your help will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

CMTStibbe wrote 792 days ago

This is a sharp narrative with first-rate dialogue. It’s believable and extremely funny. Trent is my hero. He must wash his hands after handling a perp’s file and keep away from the dogs to safeguard his police warrant card. Great visuals – ‘his temples pounding rhythmically like a stag-party hangover.’ He’s a meticulous sort although it’s amusing to note that he has already traced (and probably stalked) Sarah all the way to Balham. And how did Trent manage to turn up at the same wedding as Sarah? This book is superb. I have rated highly and put on w/l for backing. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

J.Kinkade wrote 797 days ago

Love the detail. Love the dialogue. Really good stuff here, Fran. Backed with pleasure.

writingbear wrote 806 days ago

Fran,
I liked your synopsis so I decided to back you book 24HOURS FROM TULSE HILL. If you would take a look at my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND for a possible backing it would be very much appreciated. Thank you and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Irene Ro wrote 856 days ago

My dear Fran - what a wonderful start! And just enough light, comedy touches to make the whole scene completely bearable for a lilly liver like myself. Wonderful. Will put this on my bookshelf now. All the best, Irene