Book Jacket


rank 5902
word count 12367
date submitted 09.04.2010
date updated 12.05.2013
genres: Comedy
classification: universal


Fran Hiatt

Can a budget UK perfume manufacturer compete against designer fragrances? Will they create a stink or be shown the Dior? Will common scents prevail?


Sir Henry Spice is planning his retirement and wants to groom his inexperienced nephews to take over the reins of Spice of Life Perfumes and Cosmetics. The company's usual products are cheap fragrances like 'Lavender Hill - Fight off the Mob', which small children buy as Christmas presents for their grandmothers out of their pocket money .

Before he hangs up his carnation extractor for good however, Spice wants one last attempt at showing the designer perfume brands what he's capable of. He develops a potentially world beating fragrance and cosmetics range called 'Ulaya - Goddess of Eternal Youth', and entrusts the boys to run the launch campaign . His trust may have been misplaced, and old Spice starts to have second thoughts, "because you're worthless".

This is a traditional comedy play originally designed for radio, but it might also work as a stage play; End of the Pier Theatre perhaps?

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comedy, cosmetics, glamour, modelling., perfume

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Tornbridge wrote 340 days ago

Dear Fran,
This is a lot of fun. It’s a quant comedy with a range of great characters. Reminded me of Spotswood, a great old film about a shoe factory. Worth a look, if nothing else that to see a very young Russell Crowe.

To be candid, scripts have a limited popularity on here. My advice, for what it’s worth, is to get hold of a digi recorder and some friends and act it out. An actor’s voice can make up for the lack of description and make this leap to life. It will also bring out any weaknesses in the dialog and help you spot the flat spots which you just cant make out when you read it yourself.

It’s also worth noting that you have a high concept idea here, which means it’s easily pitched. That also means that, if you ever considered it for the silver screen (big or small), there would be established avenues of development / production fund potential. Make it regional and you can get Screen Agency support etc etc.
Anything I can help with, let me know.

The Washington Adventure

Jane Mauret wrote 652 days ago

Hello, Fran Hiatt - Smellies
It is good to see a play for a change and the challenge thrown up by having to get by on dialogue alone. Happily you have met that brief. In terms of characters, I was able to picture the players here very easily which is great as that means the playwright has really delineated the characters in their own mind. It put me in mind of David Nobbs' Perrin books (and TV series) where the humour comes from the characters' mouths first. That said, I am not certain this play would stand up too well in light of the way humour has progressed in the last 20-odd years. I can well imagine though it being a play an amateur rep company would love to put on and quite possibly younger high school students (?). You say it works as a radio play but I think the above 2 groups would have a great time adding visual elements and making it more hilarious.
Jane Mauret (formerly Shannahan)

philip john wrote 752 days ago

Glad to see that I am not the only one to have tried his hand at writing a play (Siberia 416) and getting it on to Authonomy. You have a terrific sense of humour and I wish you luck in getting this on to a stage somewhere.

Best wishes

Philip John

Matchstick Girl wrote 760 days ago

Smellies is a great idea! I liked the counterfeit designer perfume names: Chunnel No. 5 and Calvin Kleinski! But I couldn't help thinking this would make a much better novel. I think it needs to be more specific in its target audience, i.e. Chick Lit? If that were the case, you could have a female protagonist as opposed to stuffy old men? But that's just my opinion.

Great start and would love to know your plans for it? Play or novel?

Dave Hill wrote 787 days ago

Just great ...... Now on my watchlist and will back as soon as I have space.
A refreshing read that deserves a wider public airing.
Magic - very well done
Dave Hill
See Saw

Kim Padgett-Clarke wrote 860 days ago

I looked at Smellies because I was intrigued to know how a play looks. It's one of the hardest things to write because you not only have to write the script but lay down every visual image that is in your head. The other knack is not to waffle too much to keep the audience interest. I tried to write a sitcom once so I know where you are coming from! I think Smellies is excellent. It works because as I read it I felt like I was sat in a theatre enjoying a good play. Living in Blackpool with The Grand Theatre on my doorstep I have seen many awful plays. I think this is far too good for an end of the Pier show. The comedy parts were brilliant. I like the line about the man spilling perfume on his trouser leg. Well done and I hope Smellies reaches the next level.

Kim (Pain)

Cariad wrote 907 days ago

Nice to read something a bit different. Will take me a day or two to properly read, so some stars til then (for the first chapter) That awful pun about will common scents prevail brought me here!

celticwriter wrote 924 days ago

Hi Fran, thank you for backing LONDON. Happily backing yours...apologies for the delay.


Nici wrote 929 days ago

I was attracted by the pitch and it's teeth-gritting puns. This is fun to read, an entertaining spoof on the perfume business and I loved the idea of a 75 year old Naomi Campbell mistakenly called in to front the campaign.

I read the first three scenes and kept wanting to re-write it as novel - a modern cross between Tom Sharpe and Evelyn Waugh (think 'Scoop). the idea has so much going for it and I love all the references to current perfumes and their advertising (an easy traget for a spoof) You had me at 'Because you're worthless'.

At the moment I think it's too old-fashioned British (Sir Henry and his gung-ho scouting enthusiasm for campfires) to get a readership but writing this sharp deserves an audience. Bring it up to date in the characters, make it more 'The Office' in the perfume industry and I think this could be as much fun as the pitch promises. If you want to keep it as drama, why not make it a series of sketches and try submitting it to quality comedians to see if they'd use it for a 5-10 minute in a radio or TV series? Victoria Wood comes to mind.

Assuming you're UK based, I went on a TAPs writing for TV course and that's a great way to make contacts for media scripts (I dropped out that scene after making it to Round 2 of writing for Easterenders - I'd never watched 'Eastenders' before I nearly found myself writing for it - whew, thank God they rejecetd me :) )

Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

writingbear wrote 931 days ago

I put your book SMELLIES, on my shelf. I wish you the very best of luck on this long and arduous road to publication. If you would take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS for you possible backing. Your help will be greatly appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.


Jay Cuzey wrote 1079 days ago

Very dry. You've definitely got a talent for dialogue. Wishing you all the best!

Vandalize Me

MonicaShear wrote 1081 days ago

At first i was ready to ignore this,im not really one that is interested in perfume,but your writing surprised me.I absolutely love the flow of this book and the interesting lines you use.

lizjrnm wrote 1091 days ago

Shelved and rated! Well done!

The Cheech Room

JDS wrote 1145 days ago

Thanks so much for the laughs. You've got some very funny lines (e.g. "The Testicle Taker") and the story moves along quickly. Terrific characters--or, rather, caricatures, as they are absolutely supposed to be. I'm in awe of anyone who can write a screen play.Very nicely done. Several typos, though, that you might want to check.
Too bad the heyday of radio drama is over. This would be perfect.

Sally Murrer wrote 1164 days ago

Like a breath of fresh air. Great theme and accomplished writing. Well done and good luck.

Laurence Howard wrote 1167 days ago

I love the tongue in cheek humour. Refreshing comedy on an industry that deserves to be ridiculed.
Backed with pleasure.
Laurence Howard. The Cross of Goa.

franhiatt wrote 1171 days ago

This isn't a book it's a screenplay and that's what turned me off.

Jewels Diva

Life and Death Adventures in London

It does say 'play' in the pitch. My only book on here is "24 Hours From Tulse Hill", so you want like to give that a try instead. It is quite long - 26 chapters and 83,000 words, but see what you think after reading the pitch.

Jewels Diva wrote 1172 days ago

This isn't a book it's a screenplay and that's what turned me off.

Jewels Diva

Life and Death Adventures in London

Big Murph wrote 1198 days ago

The fact that I'm reviewing this now, after having received a backing from you is sheer coincidence. I've had that many begging messages already and none of them inspired me to read their work. I have to add, for the benefit of someone else reading this that you haven't sent me any begging emails.

Nope, I was trawling through the latest books list, and I declare, your short pitch was the first that made me want to click on it. So I'm backing you for that - it means that in a bookshop, yours was the only one I'd have taken off the shelf so far. Best wishes,

Robert Slimm wrote 1202 days ago

Hi Fran
The book Smellies is a great humorous read. It's a great idea with an fitting title that I think is ideal.
It's very well written with some great touches. It's never lacks nothing no punchlines, nothing!
This book deserves to do well and I hope it does.
Keep writing this is great stuff would love to see it made into a comedy series.
Thanks again
R Slimm

julia mccreedy wrote 1260 days ago

Hi Fran, I really liked this! Good humour - have backed this. Would appreciate it if you get a chance to look at the Food Fight!

whostercogburn wrote 1268 days ago

A definite touch of the 'Reggie Perrin' there Fran - I hope common scents does prevail, and the underdog succeeds - as in Perrin's 'GROT' shops. Superbly pitched, with liberal and amusing word plays!

WriterGurl1 wrote 1275 days ago

Hi Fran,
This is great! I can also see (hear it) as an audio book! I love the wacky humor. Backed by me!
Sincerely, Heidi
An Unexpected Obsession

DMR wrote 1285 days ago

I like the originality here and the wit - and could see this as a play while reading the script, although I'm sure radio would work well too - it takes a skill to write in this style - well done Backed !
Good Blood

CarolinaAl wrote 1300 days ago

A brilliant comedy. Hysterical. Zany. Wacky. Colorful, quirky characters. Brisk dialogue. Imaginative storyline. Gifted writing. An absorbing, witty script. Backed.

stephen racket wrote 1301 days ago

I find this charming and witty. I love the venomous Garter Snake line and Targeski the Testicle-Taker! Backed with pleasure.

lfk wrote 1306 days ago

Light hearted fun. Just the thing to listen to on a winter's day by the fire on the BBC radio. Good luck.

Mannnin Boy

Suzalex wrote 1318 days ago

This is great. Love your wit.

Suz :)

Anna Pescardot wrote 1334 days ago

I like the humour. I can see this, or should I say hear this, being played on the radio. Happy to back.

Romilla wrote 1341 days ago

Hi Fran,
Tried to open up to read your book but running into tech issues here - the chapter would not show up but judging from the pitch and description, I see you have quite a read in store here. It was on that basis that I backed your book - some humor sometimes goes a long, long way!

Shelved and backed with pleasure!

Forgetting Sally

Mr. Nom de Plume wrote 1342 days ago

Lights-Sound-Action----- Reader: "Backed, Backed, Backed." OK Hollywood, here it is ready to go. Got to get more candy and popcorn before the main feature starts. Chuck

Amberly wrote 1360 days ago

Hi Fran

Lovely work, very witty. I was imagining it on radio as i read and some parts of the dialogue could be tighter - there's a bit in the begining that doesn't feel like it flows off the tongue right but that could be a difference in regions etc.

I was drawnin by your pitch and i can imagin this being one of those plays we were made to study in school - with lots subtly going on and morals weaved in there too.

Wishing you all the best.


Ferdi wrote 1364 days ago


A Bed of Thorns

MNielsen wrote 1365 days ago

Great pitch. I'm excited to read more.
Backed with pleasure!

Melissa Nielsen
The Guardian and the Book of Souls

DMHeadley wrote 1370 days ago

Your pitch did grab me. I wish you well.
Backed with pleasure.
My Friends and Me / Sammy and the Wise Willow.

eurodan49 wrote 1372 days ago

This is not the kind of a story I usually read, but I enjoyed yours.
You got a great voice…keep it up. You got my backing.
If you got a moment maybe you could look up my book, TO KILL A DEAD MAN

Idea Girl Consulting wrote 1375 days ago

love your book cover design it rocks.. great pitch.. backed!

vanessa musson wrote 1376 days ago

Well, as a "fumehead" and perfume blogger myself, I jumped on this with glad cries and loved it! Why, you even have a character in there with the same name...

We need more books/plays/poems about perfume!

Banana In The Briefcase (aka Flittersniffer aka VM I hate civet)

philip john wrote 1387 days ago

Nice! I just with that there were more piers left.

Best wishes Philip John (The Ambassador's Last Post/Dead Reckoning)

Andrew Foley Jones wrote 1388 days ago

a biting satire on a plastic and cosmetic world.

love2write2 wrote 1389 days ago

Hi! I really enjoyed this read. It was funny and I loved the originality. Great Job!
Sofia (The Lost Inheritance)

ElizaW wrote 1390 days ago

Great title.


Reckless Scarlett

JMCornwell wrote 1390 days ago

The title needs work, but the concept is fascinating.


Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 1390 days ago

Clever script that moves along at a cracking pace...lots of tongue in cheek humour...good fun!
Best wishes

Zangler wrote 1390 days ago

I am an olfactory human and so this book speaks to me in many ways. Good fun.
Happy to back.
Thanks for looking at me work of non-fiction, if you get the chance.
Crossing The Line

name falied moderation wrote 1392 days ago

Hello Fran, I am reading your work at the present and just wanted to say so far the book cover is a winner for the stores yes it is. Your short pitch does it for me as it takes me to wanting this read. And your long pitch is as well crafted as your book seems. I will continue reading though it is not my genre, as I believe it gives us all an opportunity to review and support the work and skills of other writers. I will continue reading and see if it fulfills its promise. best of luck Could you also review some on my work and comment thanks
The Letter

DP Walker wrote 1392 days ago

Hi Fran
I have read a few plays on here and I think it is a real challenge to convey how it would work by only having the information on screen. Having said that, I found your work entertaining and I think you have an interesting concept. Very well put together and quite funny in parts.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Fabrice Stuyvesant wrote 1393 days ago

Great fun, I haven't read plays on Authonomy before and this was really refreshing. The characters are vivid and written with clarity. Happy to back and would love to hear or see it one day!
Fabrice, Club Wars

Rusty Bernard wrote 1393 days ago

Hi Fran,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Valley Woman wrote 1396 days ago

Clever and funny. I can't stand the smell of cheap or expensive perfume.

Aromatherapy is where it's at.