Book Jacket

 

rank 1680
word count 18280
date submitted 09.04.2010
date updated 02.07.2011
genres: Thriller, Romance, Fantasy, Horror
classification: universal
incomplete

Living Your Life

Kelly Smith

It's about a sixteen year old girl who has been struggling with a dark secret for a few years.

 

She doesn't believe in love because she knows she is going to die,but what happens when she meets some new people and one of them eventually becomes her boyfriend? Will she tell them the truth or let them find out the hard way?

 
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tags

desperation, love, pain, sadness

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42 comments

 

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silvachilla wrote 1005 days ago

Hi Kelly

Interesting pitch. Only thing that puts me off is the 'it's about a...' it feels slightly...odd. The SP really needs to grab the reader in, if it were me, I'd look at changing it a bit, and include the name of your MC. And gosh, your cover is lovely :)

So your intro has a lot of drama, I like that. But, the scream over and over' threw me off. Screaming would make more sense, I think. 'This is what happens when you uhurt' - typo on hurt. You have a few typos in the prologue, an edit would really whip this into shape and stop potential readers being put off from reading further. The prologue has potential, it's short, snappy and really quite blunt. I would have liked to have seen more around the cutting, how it made her feel etc, but I'm guessing that will come in a bit later.

Chapter 1 - You're managing to convey the overwhelming helplessness your MC feels, but it feels a little rushed so far. She moves around a lot, does she have a favourite place she's lived in? It felt like you were on the cusp of delivering something beautiful around the description of the trees, but then you pulled away from it. Again, I'd like to have seen more emotion, especially around the cutting, and the description of her hair being creamy confused me.

By chapter 2 - I'm still wanting to see some more. At the moment it feels quite report like, and I want to really delve into this. The couple in the yard kissing, it kills Amy to see it, but why? What emotions does this stir up in her? By really digging into her, you can pull some sympathy in her direction, and at the moment I don't really have any.

Your premise is good, but there's some really stiff competition out there, particularly in your genre, and by really polishing your character, you'll be able to get the reader to feel for Amy, to want to put their arms around her and tell her everything will be OK....

In any case, good luck with this, and I'll be happy to take another look once/if you do any further edits.

Silva

Su Dan wrote 1024 days ago

brilliant style, here moves this story along nicely. you use the present tence that works and you stay in that tence, which can be difficult...
l have backed,,...
6 stars******
read SEASONS...

klouholmes wrote 1456 days ago

Hi Kelly, You’ve captured the strong, concealed emotions of Amy. And her responses after meeting the kids at her new school. I wondered if her mirror really shattered? Although it’s not said, I can feel that she is hiding something. And with so much emphasis on physical appearance? The writing is direct and has a nice technique with the interior during the character action. Shelved – Katherine

alison woodward wrote 1460 days ago

what makes this so sad is that there are girls out there suffering like poor amy, you have written this well , backed

alison

Diggory Steele-Perkins wrote 1461 days ago

Hi, just randomly came across your book so thought I would comment.

The prologue, 'gosh, shut up', to me sounded quite polite ? But that could be just what the character says.
Why not sob for hours, no need to say it seemed like hours.

'It was a bad habit. But whatever' Hmmm, actually I would rather know more here. IT's a powerful statement and seems a pity to end it.
The last statement, I know what you are getting at, but it is quite hostile to the reader. The character can be hostile with life, that's fine (it's what I write about), but I would be wary of being hostile to the reader.

Chapter 2 - character builds quite nicely here. One of the central characters I have is a boy who tries to kill himself, and I think you do a far better job of getting into the head of your MC than I did. Inspired me somewhat.

Chapter 3 - might read better with her internal voice in italics, I at first got confused thinking the boy was talking to her.


I only tend to read 3 chapters, so may come back to read more later. My big comment is that your pitch has a nice hook, she knows she is going to die. But in the first three chapters I get a lot of darkness (which is fine, trust me) but what I also want is part of the plot to start coming through, to keep me reading.

But they, that's just my opinion, I am already inspired to rewrite some of my book as I don't think I got one characters voice right, and that's thanks to reading yours (don't feel obliged to read or back my book, I just like reading stuff on here, but if you do it's Jeremy's voice). I think you should have a think about how to engage the reader faster , but because of that inspiration, backed and good luck!

Barry Wenlock wrote 1461 days ago

Hi Kelly, poor Amy.
You have really captured her angst, and pain as well as her 16ness.
I'd like to see you write lots more for this and edit what you have written. After which, I'd have thought this had a good chance of being marketable as a YA read.
Backed with pleasure, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Beval wrote 1462 days ago

I feel there are many layers here tackling some difficult issues of body image and teenage emotional development.
Good luck with it.

SusieGulick wrote 1463 days ago

Dear Kelly, I love romance, fantasy, & thriller - what a combo. :) Your blurb is good, as is also you prologue, because it prepared me to read your book. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

lynn clayton wrote 1463 days ago

Kelly, this book must be read and I've a feeling it will be published. Though a serious book, it's also commercial simply because so many people who suffer as Amy does will want to buy it. Very best of luck for it. Backed. Lynn

Rubedo wrote 1463 days ago

This is a great idea for a story. Your writing brings out the characters. Backed, with pleasure.

Marija F.Sullivan wrote 1463 days ago

I have just read three chapters and I can see this becoming even more fascinating read.
Pleased to back,
M (Weekend Chimney Sweep)

Famlavan wrote 1464 days ago

Living your life

Very, very impressive read very intriguing inner voice. I think you have captured that soul searching time of finding life values and self-esteem identity with all the anguish and pain that is sometime associated with this. Well written!

yasmin esack wrote 1464 days ago

Exciting and fascinating read
best

Colin Normanshaw wrote 1464 days ago

This is powerful stuff Kelly. The inner dialogue of your MC is spot on, and brings immediate empathy from the reader. If you want this to do really well though, you need a thorough edit as there are a number of typing errors ("were" instead of "we're" in the Prologue for example) that need ironing out. Good luck with this. Backed. Colin

lionel25 wrote 1465 days ago

Kelly, I like the originality of your prologue and first chapter. I also like the true-to-life dialogue. This is a good read.

Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

J. G. Reynolds wrote 1466 days ago

Hi Kelly
Wow, you have teen angst off to a fine art. Really intelligent portrayal of what it's like. Backed (a few days ago).
Hope you're tip top,
JG Reynolds (Head, Heart & Trousers).

Sharatola wrote 1467 days ago

a useful read

Mot The Hoople wrote 1467 days ago

Disturbing but gripping. Backed

Michelle H. wrote 1467 days ago

Hi Kelly,

You've done a great job portraying the angst of a teenage girl, although Amy seems perhaps a little more disturbed than most (the cutting in Chapter 1). She also seems obsessed with her weight, although that's not all that unusual in today's model-thin-obsessed society. But Amy seems to take it to a higher level, making me wonder if she suffers from bulimia (especially when she mentions throwing up in Chapter 3). There were a few minor spelling and grammar issues (ex. divorces instead of divorced and your instead of you're), but other than that I enjoyed the read. Backed.

Michelle
Strange Storm

Margaret Anthony wrote 1467 days ago

This isn't a read, it's a ride and I love it. Amy carries me through all the hoops she's jumping , feeling her contempt for her body image, understanding why she self-harms and sharing the disgust and despair.
Maybe it's because I taught youngsters like her and this angry voice, like theirs, tells me about her pain yet all the while it's a cry for help.
The edit this needs is easily done. What's important is the audience this will reach if it's published, because there are a thousand Amy's out there. You have written this in a way that will communicate with them. Well done. Backed. Margaret.

Christina McClean wrote 1468 days ago

The character obviously has an obsession with weight, which makes me wonder if the story is about a girl with anorexia. I love the impact her emotion has on the story, we think we can sink back and read the next bit in safety when we are pulled out of our seats by this angry, insistant voice, loud and forceful even though the character is obviously fragile within. There are a lot of typos and words stuck together with other words. But there are some experts here who can help you with grammar and structure. Wishing you all the best.
Backed
Christina
From Under the Bed

missyfleming_22 wrote 1468 days ago

I like your writing style, its easy to read and moves along at a nice pace. It really kept me interested. I'm not good at editing so I don't really look for that kind of thing but as a reader I enjoyed what you've got here a lot. You can really feel what the MC is feeling, she's a great and interesting character. Good luck with this and I'll keep an eye out for more to be uploaded!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

mikegilli wrote 1468 days ago

This races along, entertaining
and interesting, Still has typos. Shelved with pleasure
mikegilli The Free

Owen Quinn wrote 1469 days ago

Excellent writing here and Amy's turmoil is heartfelt and makes you want to grab her and support her. You can feel her emotions and her world is a desolate and lonely one. But you show there is light at the end of the tunnel, all she needs is to reach for it. Brilliant.

Onlee1Chance wrote 1469 days ago

Wow!!! I really love the way you show Amy's struggle with herself. Backed 100%!.I have read 4 chapters n will b back 2 read more.


Chance

A Knight wrote 1469 days ago

JC has a good point about your pitcj. It's great, apart from the missing apostrophe in the word "Its", but that's a small technicality. The prose itself is intriguing and engaging, dragging us right in. Great work!

If you enjoy young adult fantasy, I would love your opinion and/or support on my manuscript, but if not then thank you, and happy writing!
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules are made to be broken." - Relic

soutexmex wrote 1469 days ago

I don't know your age but you've mastered the pitches like a pro. Being Authonomy's #1 commentator and amateur pitch doctor, trust me, you have mastered this basic sales technique to grab the casual reader. That's how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. SHELVED!

I can use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key
Authonomy's #1 rated commentator

gillyflower wrote 1469 days ago

You have tackled a very hard subject here. You take us right inside Amy's head, where the voice is constantly telling her how fat and ugly she is, and we see everything through her eyes. When she cuts her arm we feel her pain, and when she runs to the school bathroom to throw up and get rid off the 'extra' calories, we anguish with her. Her mother's harshness is realistic. We understand that she's just been through a divorce that has left her damaged as well as Amy, and so she finds it hard to offer love to her daughter, or to notice what's going on in Amy's life. Jason and his friends are kind, pleasant people, and as Jason continues to reach out to Amy, it seems that there may be some hope for her. This is an excellent book on an important subject. You have given Amy a strong, believable voice which helps to make her very real. Your book needs some basic editing, but will be well worth whatever work you put into it. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

kristinnb wrote 1470 days ago

This is a proplem that, unfortunately, many of our youth have. It's so sad. Bravo for getting into the mind of one of these girls and writing it down - and you did it well. This is a great YA novel. Backed with pleasure.

Kristin
Demon in the Knight

Rusty Bernard wrote 1470 days ago

Hi,

I am a teacher of young adults and we deal with thes issues, thankfully not on a daily basis, and when they arise is causes heartache for all inbolved. I will try to finish reading soon.

Well done
MM

C W Bigelow wrote 1470 days ago

Kelly, brutally honest and sad. A heartfelt view of a big problem. Well done. Backed. CW (To Save the Sun)

Store Detective wrote 1470 days ago

Very well done.

Phyllis Burton wrote 1470 days ago

Hello Kelly, As promised, I have read about six chapters of your story. Your writing is just right for the young adult genre. Poor Amy has such low esteem and the fact that she self harms must resonate with other young people, who believe that they just don't conform. Your characters are alive and well described and I believe that this should, with a careful edit, do well. SHELVED.
Good luck.

Phyllis
A Passing Storm

R.A. Battles wrote 1470 days ago

Although you revised your profile, you're still only thirteen.

Bamboo Promise wrote 1470 days ago

I am in chapter 3. Easy to follow your story and very interesting to watch a maddy girl. This story excited me.
Your writing is simple and very good for young adult like my daughter. She was the same way you said.
Fun to read this story.
Loved it
Will read more,
Backed
BP

Bamboo Promise wrote 1470 days ago

In the prologue, will you check the mispelling of feeling. I like the opening. Now I am stuck if I move to the next chapter the comment will be deleted. I am with you, I heard you hated yourself. Good opening.
Backed
Bamboo Promise

lizjrnm wrote 1471 days ago

This is a book Young Adults will devour. Your characterization of Amy May is spot on for her age and my heart already breaks for her as a cutter but I find myself compelled to keep reading because i know there must be more to this story than just that! BACKED with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

RichardBard wrote 1471 days ago

This is an engaging read. You have a very strong teenage voice, perfect for the genre. It's well paced, with natural dialogue. But it's your characterization that makes this compelling. It's hard not to be sympathetic with Amy. She's had it rough. I hope things turn around for her in future chapters. Well done. Backed.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Violet Darkniss wrote 1471 days ago

I'm backing this because I remember being sixteen....I remember my own dark secret....it lives with me still....occasionally....

Ms Darkniss - The Sequinned Begonia.

Athena Lyso wrote 1471 days ago

You have a strong voice. You jump right into Amy's struggle, her angst and her pain. Excellent. One word of caution watch how many times Amy refers to herself with "I". When you are writing in first person it is an easy habit to fall into but if you think about how you might write events in a diary you don't always refer to yourself when your telling/retelling events. Just something to consider as it will only make your writing that much stronger when you very your sentence structure.

I am really enjoying this.

Burgio wrote 1471 days ago

This is a good story. It's hard to believe you're only thirteen and already can write like this. You've created a good character in Amy. She likable and sympathetic because she has such a poor opinion of herself and always counts calories. I missed why she is dying; is that something you should mention in the beginning? Maybe when she introduces herself? Also you confuse "your" with "you're" so sometimes your sentences are confusing. Other than that, this is a good read. You've nailed the problems of a gal beginning a new school. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

R.A. Battles wrote 1471 days ago

You're thirteen ? Have you read the Authonomy FAQs regarding the minimum age to be a member?

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