Dead Reckoning

I like the sharpness in this. So sharp but flowing well. Thats a talent in my eyes. One thing I would say and its only me being selfish. when you have finished writing a chapter go back over it but take your writing head off and put your reader head on...You may change a few tiny bits. I love it though and I think this is a hidden gem. Well done.
Sean

Very crisp, neat and easy to follow. Love Charles, almost fancy him myself from the description :) Also love the pitch. You are on my watch list and I look forward to reading. Very intriguing!

Cathy

I really enjoyed the first chapter. I don't like du Randt as a man, but I can't deny he's a good character. Can see this doing quite well. Will be sure to read more.

This is more serious stuff. I am impressed that you are proficient in writing both comedy and action thriller. I like the funny story about the Russians better, but this is also well written as well. I can tell you put a lot of thought into this one for sure.

Dear Philip,
I read chapter one,which offers a good insight into your excellent writing skills. Your characters and believable (if a bit mysterious) and your plot seems to have a good base, i can't wait to see it unfold.
One tiny observation i'd love to share with you, but please feel free to toss it if you don't agree.
When Charlie gets Mark out of jail and listens to him relate past adventures, i found myself wanting to know what those adventures were. This is also an excellent spot and opportunity to insert some dialogue to break up the monotone of the narrative. Perhaps we will come to learn about their life in later chapters, but i think the reader could use some distraction as early as the first chapter. I hope this is of some help, or maybe not. In either case, Dead Reckoning is starred and shelved, with pleasure.

This is a good story. It starts out slow and not such a page turner but does hold your interest in spite of the use of much narrative. Your dialogue makes it exciting though. Good job.

Abby

Philip,
A group of elders get together and conclude that the criminal justice system is not doing its job, so they decide to take matters into their own hands. The ring leader elects a lieutenant who goes around offing unsavory individuals.
I have read to chapter 18.
This book does not work for me, I am afraid. Although it is sometimes exciting, and although I will admit that the format does provide a certain satisfaction in the wish fulfillment department, it does not hold together for me.
I have two basic issues.
The first one is stylistic. There is a lot of summarizing in the book. It starts at the very first chapter "Charles du Randt was a creature of habit." and "In many ways the group which had met for lunch that day was no different from any other dark suited group of men in their forties and fifties." And goes on. From chapter 2 "His army background served him in very good stead. As well as offering several useful contacts and sources for what he needed, he knew that he could draw on his years of experience, to rework his plans again and again." From Chapter 8 "Nottingham Prison, like most English jails, is not the kind of place you would choose to spend time in." From chapter 12 "The organisation was already large but was still growing as the government gave it more and more responsibilities." It goes on.
In part, this has to do with your choice of storytelling. As you have to present one baddie after another, you are forced to introduce them somehow. So you have to summarize a background story for each. But you do this for your hero as well, so it is more of a style than anything else.
I think that it would be a very big challenge to do this story without summarizing backgrounds, but I think the book would be much better if you did. You would either have to conduct the assassinations without really letting us know what the victims had done in quite so much detail, or you would have to put the information in dialogue. Another, longer option, is to follow these baddies around for enough time for us to become acquainted with them directly, rather than through summary.
My second issue has to do with the plot mechanism. It places all the fault of the country's demise on the shoulder's of the judiciary, which you demonize, and then creates a wish fulfillment mechanism where the bad guys are offed one after the other. As a plot mechanism, it leaves me wanting. By the time I stopped at chapter 18, I felt that the book was going to be a series of episodes where a bad guy is presented, we get a bio on his background, and then he is offed in a creative way. Next. There is no promise of a plot arch here.
As I said before, there is something entertaining and satisfying about it, in a Law & Order kind of way. However, after one or two incidences of this, the thrill wears off.
This second issue is much harder to correct, because it is the whole basis of the novel, unless you somehow manage to create an overriding plot. You hint at something like this with the suspicious ex-girlfriend police woman, and with the meetings of what I am calling the "elders". It seems evident that at one point things will go terribly badly and they will put Charles out to dry. Maybe if you brought in the lady detective sooner, this would give me the arch I am looking for (having written this I suddenly get the feeling that this is precisely what would happen if I read on)
If this is the case, bringing in her character earlier would help keep me focused.
As with all negative crits, this is just my opinion. You know what you are doing, so stick to it. In any case, I wish you best of luck with it.
Maeve

Just finished the first chapter and am interested in where this is going. I like these kind of stories whith tough guy characters and will read in buddy.
Arne
Pimps, Beggars, and Bones

I was reading steadily right up to the section when the people of high influence have their meeting and the narrative goes off on the subject of their discussions, then i lost a bit of interest. My advice here would be weave the subjects of their discussions into the narrative about the current meeting their having, but in short, snappy pieces.

Would you, or anyone reading this, be kind enough to have a read of the novel I’m currently writing, and uploading to authonomy, called ‘A Very English Affair’ and leave a comment, back it, add to a watchlist or whatever you feel. Thanks.

Hi Phil,
I was looking forward to rereading your book but nothing seemed to have moved on in respect of improving puctuation, sentence structure etc., which is a great shame. The premise of the story really is great and it is a shame its telling is marred by technicalities. I would really encourage you to iron these out so that the story can come to the fore.
Rob Lawrence. 'To Set a Mouse Running'

Philip,
What a premise to work on, a millionaire drawn to the lure of action reminiscent of old army days.. He gets friends together as part of his scheme, all his preparations making for captivating read. Your narrative comes in a successiuon of detailed paragraphs full of backstory needed to add impetus toi the action. Your dialoge is energetic and concise. Thanbk you so much for the delightful read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean.

Just finished Chapter One. This is a very polished piece of work, you have clearly been working on it for a long time.
I'll continue to read more as I'm interested in where you're taking us.

Malcolm

Hi Philip,

I love a fast-paced, Bourne Supremacy type story and I got that sense right at the very beginning with the ditch ‘em scenario and with the telephone box scene. You did well to start your story with some action.

I also liked that you “showed” Charles du Randt’s character and I loved reading about his wealth and his exclusive set of friends. The premise of this group’s purpose is clearly understood. In fact, as I read, I felt it was a little drawn out. By the end of chapter one I was more than ready for some edge-of-the-seat action.

But that doesn’t mean that you do not have a wonderful way with words. No. You are a very talented writer - able to clearly create an imaginable scene and evoke emotion and interest within your reader. Your characters are well-defined and understood. Perhaps it was the knowledge of your ability that I wanted to get into the deed of rescuing the English society more quickly.

Chapter two adds some interest and by chapter three I’m hooked with acquisition of Marc Dampier. Good job. I know I only read the tip of the ice berg, but none-the-less, I’m impressed that you have completed your novel. That in itself speaks of tenacity and giftedness. Six stars!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

I hope you don’t mind me pointing out a couple easy fixes I found in chapter one.

You do a little head hopping in the telephone box scene. First in the driver’s thoughts and then in Mr. Charles‘

“Aim not just (at) the man in the street, who knew only too well…”

Hi Philip,

I write as someone who reads Crime and Thriller novels for pleasure. I've read guidebooks on how to write for these genres. My comments are based on a read of your first three chapters.

I think you have put a lot of work into the opening chapters and you have the bones of an excellent thriller. One of the first questions those who judge fiction (agents and editors) ask themselves is whether the story starts in the right place. With thrillers you have to hit the ground running and for me your story starts at Chapter 3 at the courthouse. (Others may disagree, of course). I believe we see too much of du Randt early on, learn too much about a wealthy man's lifestyle and servant. This slows the forward momentum, and can go in later as backstory. Conflict gets the reader's interest and it is lacking in these chapters. Why not have du Randt and Marc disagree strongly over something (conflict) so that there is doubt in the readers mind and they want to read on to see how it is resolved. Similarly with the gang of four: I would have one disagree with the others (conflict) and want to withdraw from the group. But he knows too much ... and so he becomes the killer's first victim. And it's important to show serious differences - not just mention them in passing.

I hope something here will be of use to you. I plan to return to read more.

Camac Johnson
Untouchable

I’m slow at reviews, slow at picking out problems with structure. I’m quick however when it comes to nitpicking details. So, that’s what I’m doing here… nitpicking.

The opening scene (losing the trailing car) reads every bit like a prologue. But I like that you didn’t call it that. I think a lot of readers (myself included) are put off immediately by the word ‘prologue.’ Better to sneak it in in the guise of the chapter opening, as you’ve done.

Now some nitpicking…
“Any other day(comma - no and) he would probably…”
“He made a point of lunching…” This paragraph contains a lot of short phrases (fragments) that could be combined into real sentences. This may be intentional, but it will have some readers stopping and taking note of it. If you intend this as a point of style, I think (my big fat-headed opinion, in other words) it’s better to work it in more gradually – let the reader first get caught up in the story.
“…if his business (was) to flourish(comma) as it invariably did.”
“Work over, he then relaxed (em-dash) usually in the comfort…” The em-dash – is a great tool for joining loose, related fragments to a sentence when a comma doesn’t quite cut it. “Usually in the comfort of his own home.” just plain does not hold up on its own.

“One ex(hyphen)wife, who collected her (alimony, I think, is the actual legal term) and gave him no trouble.”

“At forty(hyphen)eight(comma) Charles was fit…”

“No(no hyphen here) one knew just how rich…”

See what I mean? I’m a nitpicker above all else… and proud of it.  Useful or not (perhaps annoying), my intention is to be helpful.

Good luck with Dead Reckoning.

Phil,
I believe in honest crits; not fluffy one designed to get reciprical platitudes. The story is good and I enjoyed it. I think there are problems with things like sentence structure, punctuation which mar the flow of the story. In one or two instances the odd word seemed to jar.
I think the story is strong enough and good enough to deserve these purely technical wrinkles to be ironed out.
As I said, a good read; well done. And apologies for the delay in getting the read done.

You have nailed it ! Excellent read
Karamak Faking it in France

Dear Fran,

Very many thanks for these comments, which are very helpful. I take your criticisms very much to heart. I tried to bring out, amongst other things, some of the contradictions and hypocrisy which go to make up modern political life but might not have got it quite right. As well as writing a common or garden thriller along the way, of course. Thank you anyway for giving the book a try.

Best wishes

Philip

Dear Philip

As I have been reading this, I have been hardly aware that it was uploaded here. Feels like a book. Not my usual read. But I am thoroughly enjoying it. Four chapters in, I am interested in what is happening and looking forward to more. I like the set up: the characters feel real and very well portrayed. The scenes are well drawn and the pace is good. There are enough questions in my mind, so that I am happy to keep reading.

The action and dialogue feel much tighter and more convincing than the theorising. The fourth section of chapter 1, where the old boy net is discussing law and order, feels a bit heavy and there seems to be a central contradiction. If the Chief Justice so keen on "soft" option like community service, why does there also seem to be a policy of exemplary sentencing which is filling up lots of newly built prisons? Perhaps it is your intention to set up a contradiction which exposes your private club as a bunch of extremists. Even so, it might be more convincing to suggest that current judicial policy is soft, that lots of prisons are emptying because the new politicos believe in leniency....I have a feeling these paragraphs could be made leaner.

That said, this is a refreshingly good read, full of interest and straightforward, lively writing. I am enjoying it very much.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Dear Philip

As I have been reading this, I have been hardly aware that it was uploaded here. Feels like a book. Not my usual read. But I am thoroughly enjoying it. Four chapters in, I am interested in what is happening and looking forward to more. I like the set up: the characters feel real and very well portrayed. The scenes are well drawn and the pace is good. There are enough questions in my mind, so that I am happy to keep reading.

The action and dialogue feel much tighter and more convincing than the theorising. The fourth section of chapter 1, where the old boy net is discussing law and order, feels a bit heavy and there seems to be a central contradiction. If the Chief Justice so keen on "soft" option like community service, why does there also seem to be a policy of exemplary sentencing which is filling up lots of newly built prisons? Perhaps it is your intention to set up a contradiction which exposes your private club as a bunch of extremists. Even so, it might be more convincing to suggest that current judicial policy is soft, that lots of prisons are emptying because the new politicos believe in leniency....I have a feeling these paragraphs could be made leaner.

That said, this is a refreshingly good read, full of interest and straightforward, lively writing. I am enjoying it very much.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))

Dear Philip,
Really? This is a book that I would by and recommend to anyone! Such true feelings that I feel about my government! And The most amazing way is that your words tell the story! Highly rated and a place on my shelf as soon as I can! Excelllent and yeah am reading more despite wanting to read other. WEll done
Josphine
Notime goes bye

Dear Josphine,

Many thanks for these very generous remarks. I have taken a quick peek at Notime goes bye and logged it for future reading. I can see straight away that it is beautifully written.

Best wishes

Philip John

Dear Philip,
Really? This is a book that I would by and recommend to anyone! Such true feelings that I feel about my government! And The most amazing way is that your words tell the story! Highly rated and a place on my shelf as soon as I can! Excelllent and yeah am reading more despite wanting to read other. WEll done
Josphine
Notime goes bye

Will comment more later. Still reading and enjoying, especially your character development. For your information, "Warm-Up Kills" is now complete on the site.

Arresting first chapter. I will read on. What is their plan? I'm intrigued.

P.S I've just noticed a red arrow beside the book. Clearly the website is broken. Mods get the techies on the case quick as something is clearly wrong.

I like to leave the editing to the editors. So, from a reader's perspective....clearly you're joking putting this up? Come on, own up! This has been published and is on many 'actual' shelves in bookshops right? You're taunting us aren't you? If the answers to my questions are incredulously 'NO' then you've either kept this excellent piece of work locked away, hidden from view or...or I'm gonna hang up my boots now because this is as good as it gets and is a couple of leagues above lots of things I've read. Your style is fantastic and the storyline is great. I'm hooked. I can't wait til the trouble maker appears. In fact, this is going straight onto my shelf.
Seriously, seriously good work here. It's when you read something like this you think "Damn, I really have to start writing better!"

Nick Cullen
Ghost Estate.

Test

Test

Great prose, lucid and fast moving. I like the efficient use of words. I'd say strenghten the cliff hangers at end of chapters though. Best of luck with this! Fabrice, Club Wars

Dead Reckoning - This is a thriller with a great deal of class.
The writing is crisp, almost brusque, but with a hint of old world charm and good manners thrown in. Charles du Randt has the tiniest flicker of the unsavoury about him and Marc Dampier, a man unable to function properly without a cause to stimulate an adrenalin rush, carries more than a latent air of violence. Both characters are well drawn and believable as is the dialogue between them. The pace is not fast but somehow the author kept me reading far further than I had intended, in fact through five chapters. The sixth, I believe is where the action really gets going. I shall come back to read further wanting to know what the unexpected turn in the plot promised in the pitch is. A blooming good read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Nicely written. A good pace to start this book, with plenty of hooks to keep the reader interested. Dialogue is sharp, and we are neatly drawn into Charles du Randt's life without really knowing its hidden secrets. Backed with pleasure. Colin

Thank you for your support for Twin Fates! I came by to check out your novel and found it to be quite enjoyable. Well-written, with clear, realistic dialogue. I can see this as a movie one day. Great setting.
~Richard
Twin Fates

Intrigue and suspense and a promise of a lot more to come. Well done. You have such a fantastic premise here and one that promises a cracking read. I would agree with Cheryl Kaye Tardiff, let your characters tell the story rather that yourself. By you telling it, you head hop, giving the thoughts of Charles and then the driver and then the men in the group. Better that we know this through charles's point of view. Using third person you can have other characters take the point of view as long as you have a break in between each change so the reader expects it. This is not a criticism, just advice as this work so deserves showcasing at its best, the material is fresh and the story line is gripping, promises of a best seller. There are some tips on my blog, the address is on my profile, but there are also a lot of 'how to' books out there which could help you with this. Good luck. Thank you for backing mine and yours is going right now to my bookshelf, which often leads to more backing from my friends on here as we tend to review what the others have done. Not by any arrangement between us, but it is something I have noticed in my news feeds, and know I often pick my next lot of books from what they have read. Hope this happens for you. love Mary

This is intriguing. We have plenty to hook us from chapter 1 to 2. Backed with pleasure, Sana

Instant immersion. The first line of Dead Reckoning pulls the reader in and makes him part of the action right from the start. The writing is crisp, almost curt but certainly business-like in a literary sense for this genre; unembellished, economic, not quite laconic and to the point. It does what it says on the tin and does not disappoint. No glitches. BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

This story has a lot of potential, which is why I'm going to offer some advice.

It started off good, with action, dialogue and intrigue. After the first scene, though, you slipped into too much tell and not enough show. This makes a reader want to scroll down for a break of whitespace. Try adding more dialogue (internal or actual) to break up the narrative, especially when in Charles's POV. Let HIM tell the story. :-)

Cheryl Kaye Tardif,
bestselling suspense author
http://www.cherylktardif.com
All the best

one of the best things ive read for a long time

Gingernut

Philip

This is an interesting story, a rather old-fashioned thriller, with a leisurely set up.

The style is relaxed and proper and your main character develops with a little of the James Bond about him, whilst secondary characters remain--on the whole--in the chapter.

I think the pace suits the style, but there might be places you could add some dynamism to it by playing out some of the scenes you report--for example the club luncheons--even if only in part.

Nonetheless, backed

This is a genre I like. I know one has to set the scene, but I am into chapter three and no hint yet of what makes this different, as the (good) pitch suggests. I understand sometimes one has to read on, but this Authonomy gives one ADD, or ADS, and I suspect I am the average reader. Attention span of a gnat. Might I suggest you plant the odd line which hints at why we should keep turning pages. The pace is a bit slow, for me, but you are a very competent writer, so... use it, lose it. Backed for potential. The Tails of Willie Gusty.

DEAD RECKONING

Dear Philip,
I love the beginning- it is sharp and abrupt. I am in the story.
The dialogue rings true.
This is excellent.
Backed with pleasure,
A Zoomer

This appears to be a complex and detailed story - and what is a crime story without details? I skipped the first chapter because that's so often all anyone reads but this doesn't lend well to that treatment. As you said of mine, this is not my genre, but your story seems to be rich in regards to information which is the sort of thing that readers of crime stories enjoy so that they can glean the clues for themselves without it being too obviously handed to them.

Hi Philip. An excellent premise and intriguing pitch make me want to back this.
However I think it can be improved considerably with a different approach.
There is a premise that one should show rather than tell. Especially the development of your character which is given to us as an info dump right up front. It would be better if we were allowed to find out about him as the story unfolds. The reporting of the series of meetings could be summarised by dramatising the meeting in which he finally agrees to carry out the wishes of the group.
The first chapter is so important and in this genre should hit the reader between the eyes. I would suggest that you move the first bit of action right to the front and then fill in the back-story with a flashback or two.
I will put it on my watch list and await further developments.
Thanks for backing 'The Last Olympiad'
John G

Dear Philip,
Your writing is direct, clear and minimal. I like it very much! There isn't one wasted word in your first chapter. That's hard to accomplish. The tone is so even and understated, you may consider adding in a hint of what's to come to make sure you keep the reader's interest (for those readers who have attention deficit.) Perhaps a little extra excitement for those folks. I am a big fan of your writing!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

This has a compelling pitch that seems right out of an action thriller movie. The writing starts of really well with some engrossing first lines. It is stilted a bit by the back story that I feel makes too early an entrance and breaks up the action. I would prefer to see it gradually revealed through dialogue or at least at a later stage in the book so that the action is not broken up. I have already backed this. The writing is quality and the story compelling. Good luck with it. Sarah

A good thriller that quickly establishes tension and maintains it. Very well done.

I read and backed this book a while ago and after it came off my shelf it stayed on my watchlist. Hoping that the 'new system' is in operation, I am putting it back on my shelf as it is still one of the best books -for me- on this site.

This is a captivating thriller with interesting and well fleshed out characters. Fresh dialogue. Vivid descriptions. Compelling narrative. Tailored writing. An entertaining read. Backed.

Hi Philip

This is a great idea and the writing is very professional. My only hesitation is that the description of the genesis of the plot is not dramatised, but simply told to us. The characters and the milieu are credible and I look forward to seeing how it unfolds. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

One, the pitch is good, got me from the get go. Two this book is a good read. Strong characters and a plausible plot. Enjoying this!

A well-written and enjoyable piece of writing. A true thriller.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry

"But he enjoyed good food. Fine wines. Brandy and a cigar. And being away by two thirty."
Is it me..? or is that really one sentence disguised as four?

"From the day he had left the army, in fact." This is, in no way, a complete sentence. I’ve seen chopped off sentences used on occasion for a certain effect… “A pause.” “Just two more steps…” that sort of thing. I’ve used this method at times to create tension, or to reduce interference in dialogue.
"…intelligence gathering was in his blood and was something he knew he had to do, if his business were to flourish. As it invariably did." There are certain moments in your story where these broken sentences make sense to me, but many that cause me to stop where there should be no stop. I feel that the content is there, the story makes sense, and is in fact very interesting and engaging, but the flow is perhaps unnaturally broken.
I’m backing the book regardless of my issues with sentence structure. I find the story enjoyable.

Best of luck with this…

Rodney Jones
Bible Stories