The Ratter's Tale

Dear readers, if my scribbles here have moved you enough to read, back or even comment, do please visit this thread: http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/61851/the-alliance-of-worldbuilders/

I am hoping to bring together like minded fantasy enthusiasts for mutual critique and betterment, and I would welcome your participation. Many thanks, TRM

A well written book and So well put together. I can see again that a lot of work has been done before you started writing. Great flow and well paced. Love this.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list. Many thanks. Sean

Hi TRM,

This to me looks really fascinating. The title and pitches are good, well-written. I've WL this for now. I'll come back soon to read it.

It's me,
D
LEO & ROVER: THE PURPLE MARBLE ADVENTURE

Excellent tone. I finished both of the first two chapters in a heartbeat and I'll be back to finish it later.

TRM,
I very much like your writing style, even if the particular content does't appeal to me personally. I didn't notice any glaring mistakes while reading, which meant there were no distractions from the story itself, which I appreciate. I only read a chapter and a bit, but I especially liked the dialogue. It was very fitting and made the story more realistic. I shall give you some stars.

Cora

Your naming conventions remind me of gaming alot, also JRR... the war of, the lord, the city of... I used to suffer from this, but got ripped to shreds by another author that and fellow editor friend that said, give me the name already!

Good story though...

A great blend of magic, fantasy and imagination. Ternan is a great character and you manage to engage the reader really well. The story is interesting and your descriptions are good. The cover is excellent and I see you have had some fantastic constructive advice which I cannot really add to. I like these kind of books when they are written well enough for the reader to escape into another world and you have managed to do this. I have backed it for a while and I hope you continue to gain support.

Backed and rated,

Lisa

OK, on to CHAPTER 2.

I reckon the opening would be better if you didn’t include the word ‘woke’. Ternan starts up in fear – he tries to shield himself from the falling stones – then realises there’s a blanket under his face not bones … let us experience his disorientation with him, rather than telling us what’s actually happened by saying straight away that he woke up.

‘Them Gone, Ternan’ – I assume this is some sort of religious oath? Wasn’t entirely sure. Could read as an error.

‘Ternan’s sharply defined features were badly bruised …’ – this takes us out of Ternan’s POV, which normally you’re pretty good at sticking to.

Good dialogue here, quick and convincing, with insight into the two characters.

Gerda ‘scuttled along the landing’ – she doesn’t seem like the sort of woman who would scuttle. March maybe, or storm.

‘Things could have gone a lot worse for Ternan, without his furry friend.’ This turn of phrase seems a bit cutesy to me. I can’t imagine Ternan (or anyone over the age of about five, for that matter) describing anything as a furry friend.

OK, getting slightly overwhelmed by the street names now. You obviously know your city well, but I’m a newcomer and I can’t keep track of all these places all at once. It’s like being given directions in an unfamiliar town – ‘go down X Road and cross Y Bridge into Z Street, then turn left down Confusion Lane and take the third exit past Memory Test House …’ – by now my brain is melting … Any way you can reduce the overload here whilst still keeping the nice sense of place and atmosphere?

Ah, Them Gone begins to make more sense now. I wonder if you should save the first use of it until after you’ve explained about Those Departed? Just because it’s such an unusual oath and people may not get it.

‘The Guildhall was a vast, sombre building …’ – this is a very long sentence and gets a bit confused in the middle. I’d replace the ‘and’ after ‘cold pale stone’ with a semicolon and delete the ‘and’ after ‘houses’.

Very abrupt end to this chapter – feels like you’re ending in the middle of a scene.

In all, the second half of the chapter felt very much like scene-setting and filling in some of the details after the action of Ch 1. I’d try and trim this if at all possible, let the setting come out more gradually through Ternan’s natural movements around the city and introduce Linzi through a (later?) interaction with Ternan rather than just telling us how they met. Apart from anything else, that might then allow you to run straight through into the further action/dialogue of Ch 3 rather than finish at what feels like an arbitrary point.

hi TRM,
having an interest in 1984 I found this rat-tale fascinating. You bring out feelings of fear and hatred with just a simple twist of images. The language suits YA, yet some of the ideas would be suitable for adult readers as you keep their interest with colourful descriptions and concepts. I found the line between fiction and fantasy flawless and enjoyed the play between reality and imagination. Backed.

Hey TRM. Thought it was only polite to look at one of yours straight away, since you came up with the Alliance in the first place :-) All comments my own opinion, as always. And in the spirit of the thread, I have aimed for constructive criticism.

CHAPTER 1. ‘The feeling slowly grew … that something was desperately wrong.’ To me this seemed almost contradictory. A feeling of desperate wrongness would be swift and urgent. I reckon taking out the ‘desperately’ would actually improve the impact of this opening: it would suggest a creeping unease, which is what (I think) the gradual build-up of the rest of the chapter is aiming for.

‘From his bed, Ternan could see …’ – the double ‘see’ here felt repetitive. Could rework this sentence to indicate the brightness of the moon without having to say ‘see’ again.

‘So there really was no-where …’ – is this hyphen a deliberate throwback to an older style of English, or is it just a typo? :-) Also I think you could delete ‘in it’ and again the impact of the sentence would be stronger.

‘He even tried to quieten his breathing …’ – how did breathing more quietly make the dust twinkle and dance? I like the image, but surely the more you moved the more you would stir up dust? Or is it that he is so still the dust begins to settle (in which case it isn’t dancing as such)?

‘A scratching – a scuttling – a rumbling of a great many feet’ – I like this. Ditto ‘his ears hissing with the effort of listening’. Feel like I’m really in Ternan’s skin right now.

‘Letting curiosity get the better of him …’ – I’d probably delete the last four words of this sentence. They aren’t needed and it would avoid the repetition with the next line.

‘Ternan was astounded by the sight …’ – though I hate to say it, the first sentence felt like ‘telling not showing’ to me. And he isn’t really astounded, he’s more curious, which in itself shows something about his character. Plus the bit about the space under the floorboards being sealed would be better before we discover what the sound is, when he first reveals the loose floorboards. Here it detracts from the momentum of the scene. I’d probably change this para to something simpler like ‘Where had they come from? On his hands and knees, Ternan …’

There’s no need to keep describing the rats as awful/horrible/beastly etc. Just give Ternan’s visceral reactions and let the reader work it out for themselves :-)

Aw, I was quite disappointed when his room vanished. There was a lovely sense of horror in the swarming rats, but now I find out it’s just a nightmare. I confess, after that point the story did lose a little of its grip on me. I know the nightmare is going to turn out to be significant, but that jolt of ‘it’s not real’ did hit me a bit. (Yeah, I probably should have figured that out earlier, but you had me going.) No doubt this is just my weird taste, though, and I would read on to chapter 2.

More comments to follow …

Hi TRM, read the first chapter of your book and really liked it. The concept is original and holds loads of potential. I’ve outlined my nitpicks below and hope they’re of use to you. Because I think this will eventually make a fantastic read, I’ve backed it.

Descriptions: The strange spires, domes and towers all around him were but dark silhouettes…The crest of the hulking shape on his right… Very evocative.

Nitpicks:
Adverbs: You open with quite a few adverbs, such as: …the feeling (slowly) grew…that something was (desperately) wrong...and the (steeply) sloping ceiling. The first two I think are ok, since you’re trying to describe Ternan’s unease, but the third I think you can do without.
Possible misspelling or typo: no-where. This’s usually one word as in: nowhere.
Adverb: It was (merely) a suggestion of scratching… Suggest: There was a very faint sound, a mere suggestion of scratching… Always try to find viable alternatives to adverbs.
Adverb: (Unmistakably) the looser of the two… Don’t need the bracketed word, just: The looser of the two seemed to…
Wordiness: …and gasped at what he saw (in the space beneath). Don’t need the bracketed words, we already know what space he’s looking into.
Description: …seemed to cling to the (beasts)… Although you’re technically right, “beasts” seems too big a word – perhaps “creatures?”
Repetition: He covered his face with one (hand)… Ternan’s (hand) waved in emptiness. Suggest: He covered his face with one hand and reached out to the end wall with the other – it met with emptiness.
Ternan’s hand waved in emptiness…
Ternan peeked through his fingers…
Ternan now stood…
The above sentences begin with the MC’S name, try to vary it a little otherwise it begins to read like a list.
Adverb: …and the rats squeezed (closely) together… Don’t need the bracketed word. “Squeezed” indicates their closeness.
Syntax: …and now (was) queuing to get in. …and now (were) queuing to get in.
Syntax: The huge creatures (still paid no notice to him)… This’s a bit clunky, maybe: The huge creatures still paid him no attention.
Repetition: …catching (his) breath in (his) throat. Suggest replacing the 1st with “the.”

TRM -

The Ratter's Tale - Ternan's dream gives us a taste of the eerie forces involved. Chapter 2 gives us the atmosphere of Ghedassir and Ternan's background and his relationship with Tab, his dog.
The geography of alleys is dense and could do with breaking up or sculpting. Then the story turns mysterious with conspiracies and spells being cast, and I was hooked. Some fascinating characters, Linzi, Brehul, Sam ... who are not what they seem, and the Scareface of a secret order with an army of rats at their service who are carriers of some goods ... I have my guesses. The tale takes off slowly and progressively pulled me in.
Came back to reiterate the pleasure I had reading in Ratter's Tale, and giving it a deserved rating.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

TRM,

It was hard to choose from the two books, but I finally decided on The Ratter’s Tale probably because the cover reminds me of a nightmare I had a child that I can still see so vividly. I walked down the basement steps in dark and at the bottom of the steps was a rat with red eyes that was twice my height staring at me. That’s all I remember of the dream, but since then I’ve been drawn to stories and movies about evil rats;)

I like the beginning point. The reader is put right in the middle of some that’s going on, we’re just not sure what yet.

“His room was like a little box shoved away into the furthered corner of the attic until it was squashed under the rafters. Without leaving the bed, the boy could reach out and touch all four walls and the steeply sloping ceiling in turn.”

First, the room isn’t really like a box, it’s the corner of an attic underneath the rafters, which means it’s not box shaped. Second the word “steeply” is unnecessary for two reasons. One, the word “sloping” makes the steepling effect clear. Second it’s also made clear in the sentence before when you indicated his room is squashed in the corner under the rafters. You’ve already done a great job making it clear.

“So there really was no-where for anything untoward to hide in it.” I’m not sure this needs to be said. You’ve made it quite clear that there’s nowhere to hide and Ternan can see everything in the room.

“tried to quienten his breathing” quiet

Not sure how ears can hiss with effort.

Okay this is creepy. Scuttling and scratching sounds coming from under the pillow, and under the floor boards where he’s sleeping.

The line “It was coming from under his pillow would have more impact IMHO if you deleted “Whatever the sound was.”

I think a torrent of black rats would have more impact if you ended the sentence before it at gasped. So it’d read:

Ternan snatched up the floor board and gasped. A torrent of black rats poured…

Love the description of the rats and the comparison to the stream and how the light clings to the beasts. Good stuff!

“Suddenly the rats were streaming all over him.” I’d change this to an active sentence. Also when you use the word suddenly it alerts the reader that something is about to happen and lessons the impact of what is stated next.

Consider deleting “there was no wall, there was no sloped ceiling.”

Ternan now stood – delete “now” it’s a given.

How can he be standing in a patch of moonlight, if there is no moon?

Were now simply deafening – delete “now simply”

Rat’s chittering words – I love it!

Of bright blue was pushing – “blue pushed” You tend to use a lot of passive language, turn it active when you can.

The giant rats seemed to have vanished, delete “seemed to” in this case either he can seem or he can’t. If he can’t seem them they vanished. Also the adverb entirely is unnecessary as well.

Where it joined three other figures stood – stood should be standing.

I am wondering exactly what Ternana saw when the rats vanished. Did he blink and then they were gone? Did they turn into people? How did it happen? Did they vanish before his eyes?

Brilliant first chapter, great cliff hanger ending. I only regret that I only have time for one chapter today. I will try to do another tomorrow. You’ve definitely got my attention and I don’t want to stop reading.

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

Hi, TRM. I'm reviewing "The Ratter's Tale" as part of the Alliance of Worldbuilders thingy. These comments are based on reading the blurb and first 5 chapters of the book.

The blurb is intriguing. I think it acts as more of a very, very brief outline rather than as a hook to catch the reader's attention and draw them into reading the book. In this brave, new Authonomy world it might be worth rewriting it, concentrating more on the threats as they affect Ternan and what he will need to do to overcome them.

#1 opens with Ternan's dream - a sort of prophecy about some of the dangers he is about to face. I have no problem with this sort of opening gambit as it gives me an introduction to the Main Character and sets up an expectation of a mystery to be investigated. The segue into waking in the real world is nicely done at the start of #2, and the confrontation with Gerda the housekeeper gives our hero a more mundane and immediate problem to solve: paying the rent. The description of Ternan's room and the contents of his wardrobe help give the MC some depth - something I felt was missing from the first chapter. The second half of #2 is an impressive introduction to the geography and architecture of Ghedassir - there's some nicely detailed world building going on here.

#3 introduces us to some new characters: the Collector and his two mysterious 'guests' Ghizrial and Feodem. It also introduces us to some of the issues raised in #1 - are the rats that Ternan hunts rats, or something more than rats? At the end of this chapter you briefly pop into a second POV - that of Ternan's dog, Tub - which jarred, given that all the text to date has been written from Ternan's POV. #4 is again different, an omni-POV overhearing the discussion between Ghizrial and Feodem: here we begin to learn why the two men are interested in Ternan, with what seems to be references and foreshadowing to people, places and events which are likely to play an important part in later chapters. #5 returns to the Ternan POV, with more description of the city, a meeting with his only friend Linzi and an introduction to the ratchatcher's working life. The discovery of the cylinder in the rat's mouth, and the confrontation with the rat pack, makes for some nice action to bring this chapter to a close.

All-in-all, I think there's a good story being told here, with some interesting characters set within a detailed and well-formed cityscape. Yet I found it difficult to sink into the world you have created as I read and let Ternan lead me off into his life and adventures. I think there's two main barriers currently holding back my suspension of disbelief.

- For me, the opening dream sequence lacked tension. I found it difficult to engage fully with Ternan, difficult to relate to his bewilderment and fear. To be honest, the first time I felt any tension developing in the story was in the second half of #5 as we watch Ternan and Tub at work and the confrontation with the rat pack.

- I think the reason the tension doesn't come through for me is mainly due to your word choices; the text is packed with modifiers (adjectives, verbs, common phrases, etc). In places this approach works - the cityscape descriptions, for instance - but packing every paragraph with modifiers has the effect of slowing the read and draining tension from the situation. If you do choose to revise then looking at these modifiers, asking yourself whether each one can be justified (is it adding to the story?) could be a good way of bringing the tension in the storyline and the character development to the fore.

I hope you find these comments useful. Best wishes, Rik.

The teacher in me says that the YA audience would adore it. The teacher in me also tells me that teachers would benefit from using it in the class room. The father in me says that it should have been availabe for his own kids. I

BACK it here on authonomy.

Dear readers, if my scribbles here have moved you enough to read, back or even comment, do please visit this thread: http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/61851/the-alliance-of-worldbuilders/

I am hoping to bring together like minded fantasy enthusiasts for mutual critique and betterment, and I would welcome your participation. Many thanks, TRM

What wonderful visual nightmares you have created with the moonlit stream of rats that grow until poor Ternan is part of the crowd. Then, talk of a Lord. We can only imagine that this Lord is terrifying to control such an army.
One thing that might help is if you remove some of your MC's name and replace it with "He". That way we can stay in his POV and it will really keep us inside his head.
I wish you every success with this story.
All the best, Sana x

This is as well realised a fantasy as I have read in some time. It has everything it needs to succeed. Good villains, mysteries, an engaging and sympathetic protagonist, oh, and a cunning plot. You write in an accessible way that ensures you will be able to reach any audience above the age of about eight or nine, but the ease with which this can be read does not detract from the quality of the writing. I'll have to read your other one now. Write more, please, we need books of this quality. KA.

This is a brilliantly original premise and excited me from the start, not being a great lover of rats, I detest them, this is a clever, clever idea executed far better than I thought, the idea the rats have protectors and then the reveal of the Hidden Tribe watching ternan and Linzi works on so many levels, it becomes almost a who's watching who and why, adding to the mystery of the story. Very cool, very well done.

Dear TRM
this is still one of my favorite book covers...What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

I'm very creeped out right now, both by your cover, and by the image of a horde or rats. I suppose that's the effect you were hoping for! More importantly, your prose is expertly constructed. Great rhythm, vivid descriptions, action that lopes along. Polished and should be on a shelf.

---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Ch 9

'girls dormitory' - so, Sam has rooms for his barmaids? Unusual set up, but okay.

Nice little conversation. I knew something else was going on in that last chapter. Again, dialogue seems stilted and somewhat basic. Not sure how to redo it - just how young is Peli? And Linzi's allowed to be upset this time: something really creepy happened. Not sure how I feel about Sam apparently beating his staff - he doesn't strike me as that kind of character at all. What I've seen on him has been unpolished, though, so if you iron out the creases there, the characterisation will follow.

Ah, to keep busy. Okay. I getcha. Still not convinced she'd still serve people if she wanted to stay busy, but that's just me....

Now Ternan's up again? And what timeframe are we in? Late at night, I'm guessing, from the behaviour of these revellers.

Another wee tete-a-tete with Sam. Okay, 'being impossibly rude(,) but she certainly wasn't used to being treated like an idiot' - you have redeemed yourself, sir. Or madam. (I suspect sir, but it doesn't matter.)

'More than willing to discuss the Faithful earlier' - really? Was he? I don't remember that.

This is actually a lovely moment between the two - comedy and romance merged into a second. Him, baffled and confused and surrounded by chanting, drunk morons/men, and her grabbing him by the scruff of the neck (see? Personality!). An almost-kiss - sweet. Really nice idea. Get those fabulous writing skills onto this and it'll be wonderful *swoons*

'(had) joined in'

Somehow, the standard of your unpolished stuff seems to have raised since ch 8. Some of those brilliant imagery passages flashing up again: 'cold terror of the darkened wharves slowly seep in between his shoulder blades'. Mmmmm, very nice.

'Even the wind' - I'm never happy about being expected to hear actual words in a natural phenomenon like the wind. This isn't exactly realistic (and I know it's fantasy, but a certain level of realism has to be maintained, no?) so - meh, this is personal thing. I leave it up to you. The speech marks need adjusting at the end anyway.

Ah - 'shreds of distant voices' - better!

'beside him(.) "I have responsibilities'

'Why had he forgotten (speaking) to her when it mattered earlier that morning?'

'they had given their names(,) but he couldn't remember them.'

'not because of the sudden darkness(,) but because he'd seen'

Oooooh, the tension here is great. Really, really great.

'suddenly dropped(.) "What'

'Ternan heard Turgan stumble' - is Ternan still in sight of Turgan? What's actually happened here? Has he been attacked? Some clarification needed.

'other than his own heartbeat(,) and Tub's low rumbling growl(. B)ut two men had been struck down'

'Wachem was (convulsing) violently.' - this is more direct, has more impact IMO.

Rats again! Wretched things!

'Scarface had done to him; (but) the eyes cruelly kept Ternan conscious' - delete 'but'. Some nasty magic here.

'jiggery-pokery down on the wharves' - no comma needed.

Oh excellent work. Mounting tension, released with the simultaneous release of the bow shaft. Well, well done.

Tub's back. That dog's varying standards of bravery amuses me.

LOL brilliant final line. What a rescue! Amazing!

This was far better than ch 8. What happened there? I thought I was meandering into unpolished territory here. Nevermind - this chapter still needs work. I suspect you prefer action scenes (I do too, but I haven't had too many of them so far - boooo to me) so that might explain it. Same things: refine, polish, consider writing a few sentences. Add in some clarification on action - be as clear as you can, especially with characters' movements in the taverm, sequence of events as the drunk crowd disperses, and the fighting scene. Work the interaction between Linzi and Ternan, and work the tensions between Sam and Linzi. About the distaste of magic thing - still not sure if it's a thing personal to Linzi, or something that should be more universal. I think that definitely should be clarified. Also, some background on Linzi would be nice - where are her parents? She in the same situation as Ternan? A few minor things with semi-colons - just be careful not to overuse them, 'kay?

However, given the quality of the first six chapters, I know you have the ability to brush up these last three chapters. I read this far because the first six were a complete pleasure to read - and short, which always helps on Authonomy ;) If you get the entire MS up to that standard, you should have no - seriously, none at all - problems getting this published. As good a fantasy as any I've ever read in book format, and a hell of a lot better than most of them! Well done, and best of luck - not that you need it!

--R.N.

Ch 8

WHOA. Whoa. Okay. NOW I'm with you. This is unpolished territory, right? And Ch 7 was the stage you'd reached with the whole rewriting/editing/refining process. Gotcha. Cool.

*pulls sleeves up*

1st paragraph:
1. Set up where Ternan has been placed. Still in the tavern? .....Or Linzi's place?? (ahahaha RACY ;D)
2. First sentence is far, far, far too long. Cut up. Perhaps set the stage in the first sentence, outline Linzi's state of mind, how she's been looking after him etc etc as separate discrete sentences.
3. Tub isn't actually under the covers too, is he?
4. Well, clearly he's going to be injured. He's been in a fight and he's a ratter. She also works in a tavern; one expects the bar wenches to be hard to a certain extent. This soft femininity of Linzi's doesn't need to be so cliched, especially when she was so forthright earlier. (Sorry, ranting, I know....) Less tears? Maybe?
5. Is she a medical professional (whatever passes for one in this world)? How can she tell 'how close to breaking' his ribs were? Ribs are strong bones, a barmaid's hands aren't going to be able to judge how fragile they are (especially after a fight. Aren't ribs generally in one of two states? Whole or broken? They don't wear down or become fragile except from age) - a better thing for her to get upset about would be a deep, bad injury (I see an angry bruise flowering on his abdomen) or a close call with the knife - perhaps a shallow cut on the throat from when the knife was held there?
6. You've used double speech marks throughout the rest of what's posted - do the same here.
7. Change the last sentence. The 'nothing' refers to their last bit of dialogue in ch 5, and (possibly because I didn't read this in one go) I was confused for a moment. The 'nothing' implies she's talking about that fight. He's just been dragged in from another, more serious incident, so wouldn't the combined events be foremost for her? 'Them Gone you're attracting trouble lately' would be the sentiment I would have in her place. (Along with 'You damn stupid idiot' but that's my bad personality ;D)

2nd paragraph:
1. Ah, okay, so she does figure it out.
2. It's a bit messy. It follows her thinking, but still messy. I would talk about her relationship with Sam and Brehul in a separate paragraph and make the flow of information/narrative more logical. So: Ternan attacked - her anger - Faithful types - enemies of Sam and Brehul - her (and T's) familial relationship with them - somehow lead onto their conversation regarding magic.
3. 'Most of all' - out of what other options? And this phrase doesn't fit into the rest of the sentence. I would delete the phrase. Also, how much time is spent looking after him? Hours? Minutes? What time frame are we looking at here?

Onwards!
So, magic is a bad thing? Is her opinion indicative of general social attitude? It would appear so....you're yet to get this up to the excellence of the previous chapters, I know, but based on those earlier chapters I can only surmise that this is something you've decided not keep ie magic is kind of okay. You haven't mentioned this social distaste of it before at all. However, the extent to which she explains this aversion to unsanctioned magic also makes me think that this could potentially be one of the big conflicts in the book - if THAT'S the case, then you must weave this general aversion in while you're building your world. It's part of the social set up - like travelling parents and a city where trade is the only law. Either: delete, or work into the earlier chapters, then have her own, personal reaction to the mention of magic usage.

'shrieked in surprise' - shrieked? ¬.¬ A bit much, no? I thought she was calmer now.

'scrambled to his side' - here's a thought: where is she in the room? On the bed, on the floor, (on a towel by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against.....LOL) on a chair by the bed? As mentioned above: setting description, character placement needed.

'He stared a moment at Linzi' - this sentence is too long. Watch the 'and then recognition...and then panic clouded'. No colon use, not necessary.

'Where is he? Him!' - so, this is vague. How does she know who he's talking about? I know, educated guess, but Ternan COULD be referring to someone else - Brehul or Sam. Also, I don't think Linzi's entirely clear on what actually happened. Sam and Brehul's conversation intentionally excluded her, so she knows less than the reader does about what's happened. Clarity needed.

Awww, what a touching moment.

'Tub meanwhile' - another longish sentence.

'wiping Ternan's tears away with her bright blue headscarf with her long auburn hair' - not good. Headscarf part of different sentence fragment than hair. Uh. Does that make sense? Cut into two sentences.

'through (those) locks'

Next bit is fine....I think you could do better, but it's okay as it stands.

Ternan's conversation here 'No. Oh, Them Gone, no' - that entire bit is pretty incoherent. Obviously he's upset and befuddled, but he doesn't actually tell Linzi the entire story. We have the appearance of a demon, and obviously Brehul's rescue. For Linzi to comfort him properly, I think we need at least one or two fragments along the lines of: 'This demon attacked me' and 'the demon was a man'. Perhaps mention the knife.

Ah, the comfort of a fine-lookin' lady. However, you repeat yourself. She gathers him up, then hugs him to her.

Ternan's full of talents. A blushing belly button? Really? Oh my. Didn't know that was possible. Don't think it is.

I like the flirtatious banter.

'for all his cheek' - what are you trying to say here? Why exactly is he gathering up the blankets? Is he shy despite the banter? Also: how is doing that 'overdo'ing it?
Is Tub actually on the bed? Oh ew. At least make Linzi wash him: he's been in the river. That can't be hygenic. (Sorry, sorry. I'm not really a pet person.)

Yes, yes, the rent, boy, rent! :)

'Ternan looked at Linzi, slightly amazed at her sense and smiling.' - okay, I haven't been on the lookout for POV shifts, but this is one! We've been with Linzi this entire time. I think you tend to stay with one character per scene - so shouldn't this still be Linzi? Don't shift over to Ternan. Also: 'sense and smiling' - not v nicely worded. Also: *scowl* yes, be 'amazed' that a woman has 'sense'.

Still in Ternan POV. And this next bit is a massive leap. Where did the rats come from? Obviously we, as readers know, but Linzi doesn't. Shouldn't Ternan fill her in on what he was doing that led to him seeing the rats? Yes, she knows he's a ratter, but one sentence saying 'I was clearing the warehouses down near the river' just sets the place for her. Or, better, one sentence saying 'He told her what he'd seen when clearing the warehouse' - sometimes cutting back on content we're already familiar with works to speed up to the interesting dialogue in which they debate about the meaning of the rats' behaviour.

Aaaaan we're back to Linzi: 'Linzi looked at him, worried.'

Little package! Ah, what's in it?

'she purred to Ternan(,) but he was not leering, only slumping asleep' - so one minute he's awake and having a conversation, next he's so exhausted he falls asleep instantly? Document this progression; this is otherwise abrupt and almost deus ex machina-esque in nature. We don't see what he does to prompt the lovely 'Down, boy' remark either :( I want lechery and voyeurism!!! ;)

'Linzi sat down on the bench' - this paragraph isn't great. Refine the first sentence, and completely rewrite the second-last ('the lady she had in mind' - sorry, but that sentence is just ugh. Watch the clause placement and subject). Does this lady really know 'everything'? Or just everything about a certain subject?

Overall with this scene: the conversation jumps around quite a bit. I would expect Linzi as the more collected and coherent of the two (perhaps show her progression from upset to calm as well?) to lead the conversation - ask more questions about what Ternan is saying and directly question what he saw. He's all over the place, and the conversation is too - it skips from demon man to rent to rats. She, as the confused character, needs to bring it all together in an understandable, logical flow.

I understand her being reassuring and comforting - believe me, I do. But she had such a wonderful personality when we first met her. Couldn't she show more of that previous feistiness and laugh at him about it all a bit? Bring that wicked humour and her personality in this. The dialogue and tension between them should sizzle - he's in trouble, and he's naked. As a woman, she should be feeling all sorts of conflicting emotions :D

*
'Somewhat later' - not good enough. What time of night/day are we? Lost here.

I thought Linzi was excused from serving? Now, I've done the catering/waitressing stint (still doing the catering thing), and I KNOW what it's like to be on your feet for hours serving people - it's crap, annoying and damn tiring. So if she's excused, she's sure as hell not going to serve people drinks to clear her head. She's going to sleep (especially if it's the middle of the night and all the excitement with Ternan has kept her up past her bedtime) or go do something like take a solitary walk, rest, read a book, something languid and slow and unrelated. This may just be me (and I admit it, I'm not suited for customer service) but I wouldn't willingly go back to work if I didn't have to. I know this is a minor point, but do think about the realism of the situation. Her options are: chill out watching her guy sleeping, or go serve drunken men more booze (in the process becoming hot, sweaty, even more tired, and distracted due to the fact that her guy is hurt and naked upstairs). I know what I would choose, and it's not the latter option ;)

'dearest spirits' - why is he measuring them? 'dear' in what sense? Expensive or best quality?

Brehul returned from doing what again?

'they' - who? refer back to what Brehul was doing.

'snug' - not familiar with this as a noun. *googles it* and I think I should be. Perhaps make it more obvious that it's a small room so that dumdums like me know where and what a snug is.

'beer flagons still in her hands' - a service thing: if they're 'still' in her hands, that means someone's ordered them and is waiting for them. No waitress is going to leave a customer without his drink, especially for a personal conversation. Unless she doesn't care. But she should, because good service = tips. Her hands should be free. AH wait - are they empty or full?? I do jump the gun, don't I?

'interruption in men's business' - make it clear that this (rather hurtful) gender distinction is a personality thing with Brehul, otherwise you're going to piss people off (and by people, I mean women who read this). I remember this happening back in ch 7 too - despite her being Ternan's significant friend, she wasn't told or really reassured about what happened to him. They trust her enough to look after him, but not to tell her what's really going on. Unfair, but if that's their characters, fine. Random question: would Brehul have thought this if Linzi was replaced by Ternan's male best friend? Surely the irritation should be directed at her age, not her sex? Also: semi-colon not strictly needed.

'mumbled' - don't mumble girl! Speak with authority and they'll take you seriously! If she has the guts to interrupt them, why not be confident in speaking to them? They're close to her - like uncles, right? Her mumbling says she's not comfortable speaking to them. She never struck me as lacking in confidence. If she is shy, make it clear it's because she's uncertain about how silly Ternan's story is.

Use of word weird x2 - once is fine. It's a bit contemporary for this, but it does work if you don't overuse it.

'it was like a smuggler' - sumimasen, what was like a smuggler?

'dark' - time reference - so she's been looking after him all day? Do clarify.

'lads will think me mad(,) but I'll do it'

'the Tezzer' - is this just what Brehul calls him? 'the' as opposed to simply 'Tezzer'?

Oh my! What a shift! So there's a spell on the package too? Poor Linzi.

She bursts into tears, then is confused, then roars in anger - less drama is needed. The majority of women aren't this emotionally crazy. Really, they're not. I would stand in dumb shock rather than burst into tears. I would stand dumbly, be confused, then, be very very angry.

Nice argument. Misunderstandings are always great. Has she got a bit of magical ability too? Perhaps?
The flagons were full. See above.
I thought Sam and Brehul were reasonable people - if someone close to you asks about stuff like this, generally it's okay to tell her about it, right?
I also thought Sam and Brehul were in Ternan's snug? Why are they suddenly in the tavern again?

The chapter needs polishing, I know, and I also know your abilities are more than up to the task. Despite all my quibbles (and random asides), I like how this follows Linzi - I guess she's one of the main characters (I haven't read your pitches. I've assumed your writing will be good enough that I won't need to) so this is a great chance to get in her head and see her tick. I'm sorry if the above seems feminist in parts - I absolutely hate female characters who burst into tears, cry, scream, comfort and do all the usual stereotypical shit when they're meant to be strong characters with more depth than that. Linzi in ch 4 or 5 or whenever we first met her was amazing - a genuinely interesting character. The rather passive lady of this chapter, frankly, isn't. Bring back that personality and keep reactions/situations realistic, and I think you will have a feisty young woman who both female and male readers will have fun reading about. I see elements of that feistiness when she stands up to Sam and Brehul. Good stuff, but there's so many more ways for personality to get across than yelling in anger or hugging in comfort. Yes? Does this make sense? At the very least, give Ternan a leading lady who can match him in morals and understanding (and hotness: like I said earlier, flirtation is key between the two!).

Sam and Brehul's scene needs some cleaning too, mostly in the same way as the Ternan scene. More description, and keep details consistent. Setting, time frame, and consistency are the key things for this chapter.

Phew! I want to you to know that I still like the The Ratter's Tale! I may stand up for female characters, but that doesn't mean I hate male characters :) far, far from it. Keep it well-written and you won't have any problems at all. Ternan crying is a nice human reaction. Multi-dimensional characters FTW. Polish, polish, endlessly polish..... Good job. Looking forward to ch 9!

--R.N.

I'm baaaaaaaack! As always, one (picky, grumpy) person's opinion.

Ch 6

And we're right into the action. Yep, these rats definitely are acting odd.

Quite a way down ('Ternan heard the warning call') and nothing to quibble about :)

I spoke too soon - 'And then he saw the man on the jetty(:) one man stood apar from the others' - this sentence is also a little unclear. 'others who' is the problem. Does that 'who' refer to 'others' or to the 'one man'? I'm assuming the guy, but the way this is structured at first made me think there were a group of people also watching that Ternan just hadn't noticed.

Dude, you know how to write tense moments. The flash of the knife, and that slow, intent advance.....oh well done.

'run the wrong way' - lol, go Tub!

'Then, he tossed the dog away dismissively.'

'(Then) Scarface stooped once more'

'could not.....did not' - I'm not a huge fan of unabbreviated verbs like these (sorry, I fail at using proper grammar terminology) - I like using 'don't' v 'do not', as too many 'not's in there make everything sound too formal. (Poor Shakat's style is just that however; I almost tore my hair out before I finally learned to accept it.) This hasn't been an issue with you, so seeing this twice in a sentence bugged me. Personal thing. Leave it if you don't particularly care!

Wooo, a timely rescue!

'Ternan doubled up in agony, fitting' - fitting? Nani (=japanese 'huh')?

'noise from (the) wharves' - possibly needs 'the'?

So, there's some kind of magical ward/spell/guard on the kid? Yay for Brehul!!
Overall: v v v little to criticise. As I've said before, you write really well. This was an action chapter, but there was the right amount of description to balance out all the stuff happening. Had no problems with the content at all.

So now we're left with questions: what's happened to Ternan? Who was Scarface? And what, by Them Gone, is happening with those damn rats?

Ch 7

Okay, so I've read a quite a bit of Sam and Brehul's conversation, and I find it stilted and slightly formal - which feels awkward as these two clearly know each other well. Perhaps it's just me.

'Enough now. I am spent' - this came unexpectedly in the paragraph. I feel this dialogue could be broken up by expressions on the men's face to show what they're feeling ie a progression of Sam post-spell tiredness to post-spell exhaustion. It would accentuate the fear and panic evident in the dialogue. Does that make sense?

'(the) Tezzer'

And Linzi's crying. *sigh* Sorry, now *this* is a personal thing. I like my strong female characters to be strong and not crying.....but I guess if you see the one you truly care about lying practically lifeless, you'd shed a tear or five as well. Just commentary here......I also don't particularly think her little synopsis at the end is quite her. You understand her better than I do though, I'm just basing this on what I've seen so far of her - which, relatively, is precious litte ;)

"And what do they mean by 'what Ternan was'? Oh Tub..." - don't use the same speech marks to identify quotes within dialogue - for you, use single (apostrophe) marks, or use italics. (Tiny aside: 'Oh Tub' reminded me of Dorothy and 'Oh Toto! We're not in Kansas anymore!' Girl and dog scenes. LOL sorry, I have a weird, weird mind. I know I do. Ignore, ignore.)

Overall: this chapter felt...rushed. Lots of information, and more questions now, but somehow it wasn't as deliciously smooth as the rest of this. I can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps bulk up the dialogue with some expressions and descriptive qualifiers? eg Sam said wearily. Behrul's face contorted with anxiety. Sentence structures weren't as refined/clean - I saw a few sentences spliced with commas. Content was fine - Ternan is clearly more than is apparent, and there's some feud between organisations (Faithless are the bad guys and Behrul and Sam are on the good guys' team?) - and there's the potential for more development with Linzi (PLUS!!!), it's just the writing of it doesn't quite match up to what you've done before. Sorry, but that's my honest opinion. Perhaps you hadn't turned your editorial attention to here yet :) Still, exciting new developments. What a story! I'm enjoying this. Had I found this as a teenager I would have DEVOURED it. As an adult I would like to devour it, but it's not printed or finished, as far as I'm aware. Good good stuff.

--R.N.

Yo TRM - sorry it's taken me so long to comment. Remember: just one person's opinion, ignore if unhelpful or completely bonkers.

Ch 1

'no-where' - should be 'nowhere'.

'quieten' - eh, I'm not wholly convinced by this use of the word. 'quiet' would be better IMO - it can be used as a verb as well as an adjective (though it's not common).

Great tension. Really superb. We've all had those moments of lying awake in bed listening for something that we're 99% sure is(n't) there. Good work.

'(as would) moonshine' - I'm tempted to replace with 'like' because it's shorter and nicer.....but that's a personal thing. Lovely description of the rats. (Never thought I would say that!) I mean that - the sight of them, then the description of them running over Ternan, it's all very well done. I had shudders.

Wonderful change sequence. Very vivid. He's shrinking, right? Has he been transported under the floorboards, or to another world? Guess I'll find out momentarily :)

A scary new world, then. Oh very well done. Great imagination. I have no problems with this first chapter - straight into the action, great imagery and descriptions, and I like the dialogue. Short, but highly effective in that it conveys information and atmosphere quickly. Uh, does that make sense? I don't think I've quite woken up yet. Anyhow, great stuff, really enjoyed it. Onto ch 2!

Ch 2

And he's home. Oh what a relief.

'give anyone toothache (and) a hammering' - I make this correction only because commas in that kind of sentence bug me and I think the 'and' makes it more correct. However, I'm pretty sure I do it too, and to be honest, it's not a huge deal, so if you're happy, leave it. Just thought I'd mention it. Good description - instant sketching of Gerda.

Dog? Hmmmm. Interesting. Indeed, where had it been?

'that was shaped to fit the crooked room' - isn't this kind of a given, considering the box of a room? I think 'truncated door' is fine. You don't really need that extra bit.

lol, the landlady from hell.

Hmmm. I'm liking the basis of your world. Killings and whatnot. Cool.

I really, really like this sentence: 'A memory of the dream shattered by Gerda's arrival had chilled his heart.' :D

hmph. Truly the landlady from hell. Love her character.

Ah, so she's the cleaning lady? LOL. Ratter - great, backstory's in a good place.

Nice city names. Evocative in a good way.

I also like this: 'night would linger in them like a beast in its lair' - just lovely.

'chilled Ternan's heart' - another use of the phrase (chill - heart) - reconsider? Maybe?

'The Guildhall was a vast sombre building' - this sentence is really long and repeats the idea of the Guildhall presenting a forbidding exterior. Perhaps cut or rewrite into two sentences?

Ah, we meet Linzi. Love interest :)

So far so good. No probs with grammar - just that one overly long sentence. Perhaps you might want to watch long descriptive passages - they do tend to trip people up. And a great introduction to the world, some brilliant world-building skills there. No infodump, which is good too :)

Ch 3

Ooooh, introduction to someone higher up in the ranks? Plot development - good stuff, good stuff.

Ratting's not a booming trade? Really? Pray tell, sir.

'reso...thing?' - good pick up here. We don't know, Ternan doesn't know, and now we KNOW we don't know. Does that make sense? That 'resonation' thing will stay in mind now.

For a supposedly brave dog, Tub does a wonderful job of cowering in the shadows ;)

Food? No! Rent! RENT! Trust nobility to fuck up the peasant's life *grumble* hopefully this works out to Ternan's benefit.

Semi-colon use in last sentence - meh. I think a comma would be fine, but again this is a case of 'happy? leave it.' sooooo, yeah.

I really have no issues with this. You're developing the story well and you've built the world, Ternan's life, and the main issues of the day (creepy smart rats) with vivid detail. Grammar nigh on perfect. Enjoying this immensely.

Ch 4

'in the subject assists simple spells' - missing word here, perhaps an 'and'?

Hmm, who are these two? Really?

Oooooh Ternan's SPECIAL :D I like intrigue. Liking this veiled conversation very much.

Oh. OH. So Feodem's a ruler. And what's all this 'recruitment' business? Sounds sketchy. Hmmm. Getting into the story now.

'our time is counted' - this seemed awkward to me. Perhaps replace 'counted' with something else, like 'limited' or 'running out' or something equally cliched but more telling. Do you see what I mean? If not, just ignore....

'failures' - insidious. These two are playing a nasty game, aren't they? People have died right? *grins* SQUEEE! I love this! How deliciously dark.

'They sometimes express friendliness, even affection, that way.' - LOL - 'Yes, lord, these peasants express this thing called friendship by calling each other abbreviated forms of their full names - also known as nicknames. Occasionally they even smile at each other.' - sorry. This does seem a bit excessively school-teacherish. Surely a lord and an adult would know that? Perhaps rephrase less formally.
*rereads that bit of dialgoue* actually, in context, it works. But it did stand out as a somewhat 'duh' sentence on the first reading. Could be kept, could also be reworded. Up to you!

So, a nefarious plot, and an almost irritatingly honest young man. Where shall this go, where shall this go....

Ch 5.

'trace fingers over them(,) when he felt down' - comma not needed.

What a great culture - the parents travel and leave the kids at home and no one has an issue with that. Suits my idea of parenthood down to the ground ;) in all seriousness, a unique idea, really brings out the culture of the city.

I like Linzi a lot. I hope she doesn't disappoint me by bursting into tears for some ridiculous reason during this story.

So this is how he hunts. Cool.

Oh. My God. The rats. Urgh. That is so damn CREEPY. And they HISS? *shudder*

Thank fuck he got away from them. Oh damn. It's getting intense now, huh?

Really good writing. I'm going to stop for now, but will continue when I next have time. Overall impression: very, very well crafted. Narrative flows, descriptions are vivid, pace is perfect. Excellent work!

--R.N.

PS - can I just say that your cover sucks so much it's hilarious? LOL. Sorry. I can try doing one for you if you want!!

Now backed with pleasure

Started reading on chapter 5. It works! Your rats are wonderfully sinister, yet they feel like rats, not aliens, and I have known quite a few rats personally under both friendly and adversarial circumstances. Cheers!

You could have a real winner here. Shelved with pleasure.

Bill

This is very good. I am putting it on my watch list to read properly tomorrow (its 2 am now). I have only one little beef - you use his name too often. could you sometimes use 'he' instead? Otherwise, a rattling good read so far.

The Ratters Tale

Euuuuuuu. Yuck, get them off me! this is so well written I could feel the rats running over me. Powerful stuff. Well done.

backed
Pamela Frost
aka scatteredfrost
Houses of Cards

Hey, You have written an super story with a great plot, vivid descriptions and awesome believable characters. I was intrigued by the pitch but wasn’t sure if I would like it - rats tend to creep me out but once I got over the rat factor (which only took a sentence or too because I was hooked straight away, I really loved it! It is well paced and easy to read – a great example of storytelling – I’m look forward to reading more! Happily backed!
Joyanna
The Prince and The Sorcerer

Backed. This work is the best rat story that I have ever read. Seriously, it's extremely well written. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures) (Literary Agent Blues)

More ramblings...

Chapter 5

Thank you for not pulling a 'passing the mirror' (meaning theperson reflects on their own appearance for the sake of telling the reader trick when Ternan washes up! I was so worried you would.

I seem to have fewer comments as I get into the swing of things. I did find the description of the docks and the river a little long (I'll glaze over long seemingly-useless paragraphs and I caught myself doing that) but it might just be me. I did like the chance to learn about Ternan's family... although you could also have slipped in where his parents were expected to be at the moment too. It struck me as the kind of thing he would have thought about.

And is that musing over the fountain a hint? I'm curious to see.

"Tub started growling furiously, but backed into Ternan's leg. Ternan looked up, as this was not like him, and his heart lurched."
A few things here. I think it's because Tub STARTED furiously BUT backed into Ternan's legs, and the BUT doesn't seem to fit (how are the two sentences connected?). Then the 'as this was not like him' is awkward because it's not clear if you mean Tub or Ternan. Strictly speaking, however, I don't think it's wrong... just awkward from my POV.

"They began to hiss..." No need to italicise 'hiss'./

He spots a side door close at hand. How close? Where? THROUGH the mob? You did such an awesome job of describing the docks a little while ago, and now I feel like you skipped over this paragraph with your description! More information please.

CHAPTER 6

"And then he saw the man on the jetty, one man stood apart from the others who Ternan..." Comma splice.

...Ternan suddenly broke into a run." I get the impression he probably turned and broke into a run (as he was not running AT the guy), and you don't need 'suddenly'. I can't see anyone breaking into a run without doing it suddenly.

"...Tub scampered alongside, yapping and yapping and trying to run the wrong way." ?? Running the wrong way? Trying to lead him away?

"Ternan couldn't escape; he could barely move, nor could he tear his eyes away from the scarred man's burning gaze." Messy sentence. 'nor' feels misplaced. Too far from the original sentence?

AHhhh Tub in trouble! Is Tub in a tub... ? :) ok, he's saved. You had me worried!

In a paragraph, you've explained (sort of) what the Intercessors were going on about back there. Thank you.

Everything else I spotted I've already mentioned. Think I'll leave it there for now! I'll get to chapter 9 some time soon, but I have a suspicion the story should be longer. Is it written?

Shakat

I think Shakat has dealt with most of the obvious areas that need attention...rats always hold a kind of morbid if repulsive fascination for many people so I think this could do very well...address the issues and this book should really take off!
Good ratting!
Stewart

Chapter 4 musings, (unfortunately unable to do more tonight).

Right, so I didn't have much to say on this chapter. I only wrote:
Random note: hard to trace sleeve trim due to position of trim on sleeve. . Just seemed awkward.
in my file.

Overall, this chapter is vague, and that's ok. The first part felt more baffling than the second half. About where Feodem mentions their time is short, it gets clearer. I know they are talking to people who know, but can you give a few more hints? Refractory? Setting a perimeter? It's almost too much lingo in a short period. Just paraphrase or someting (eg. We should have cast a proper perimeter to keep those prying eyes out." or whatever it does...) Or Resonance? Just give away a little more in the sentence. I don't even know if it's on Feodem, Ghizzy or Trenan... if it's part of Feodem's past or something else...

Sorry I couldn't do more tonight! Talk to you later!

Shakat
Stand

Hi TRM! As promised, I've started on the Ratter's Tale (seeing as you have plans for DV in the near future.) I think I have some overlap with others (although I've writen my comments without looking at others). Here are my notes taken as I read. I made it through chapter 3, but will have to come back for the rest!

I'm intrigued by this premise, and keen to read on, but a quick note on the pitch: Can you tie paragraph three and four in a little more? I'm sure it's all going to come together in the book, but right now the three issues are rather isolated.

Ah... the semi-colon. Only used to separate complete yet related sentences or long listed items. In your first paragraph, you use it and I don't think you need to. "...nor why sleep had deserted him; but the feeling slowly..." You need a comma at most. The part after the semi-colon is not a complete sentence. **This is a point I noticed has come up before. I live in a world between North American and UK (I'm Canadian but live in Edinburgh) so I'm usually pretty good at accepting/recognizing UK style. I still think the semi-colon is wrong. Sorry.

"Silvery light" I like it. Beautiful image.

I adore the idea of the box shoved into the furthest corner of the attic until it was squashed under the rafters, but I find the sentence too obvious of a simile. It feels very deliberate... maybe hide it in another sentence (like the one after...) For instance: "His room, like a little box shoved into the furthest corner of the attic until it was squashed under the rafters, was small enough to allow him to touch all four walls and the steeply sloping ceiling without leaving his bed."

"So there really was no-where (nowhere?) for anything untoward to hide in it." I'd drop'in it'. I already know where you mean.

"There was the sound again."
Someone once warned me about the word 'was', often in conjunction with 'there'. When used too often, it drags the narration down. I ended up searching for it to replace them and I think it made my writing infinitely better! The point is here, I'd go with "The sound came again." Or something like that.

Those are some very creepy rats. You have done a marvelous job of drawing that picture for me!

Semi-colon again incorrect ("...so many of the horrible creatures; but all he wanted to know...") I won't mention them again, but I'd search them out and get rid of them. You just need a comma before 'but'

"Ternan now stood in a brilliant patch of moonlight in an ocean of utter darkness, but there was no moon above to piece through the gloom." Because you described the light as 'moonlight' the idea of no moon really baffled me. Could you describe the light instead? (pale, soft glow...?) You just can't have moonlight without a moon. You can have something LIKE moonlight but it can't be moonlight, can it?

"Now the beasts reached up to Ternan's waist, and then to his hsoulder..." I think this confuses the time-frame. 'Now' means 'now'. so it can't be 'then' in the same sentence without making it awkward.

I'm a sucker for a powerful and long word. 'Crenellated' gets my fuill support.

"Ternan's captor wrenched his head back to look up at the terrifying figures." I think this didn't sit right with me because the head was what was moved and heads don't look... eyes look and people look. He could be forced to look up and see the figures but I don't think his head can look up at the figures.

CHAP 2

"A voice so strident it could give anyone a toothache." What a great line!

Yay! A dog!

Is the question "Where had thedog been when he was runnning?" referring to the dream? I got a little messed up about who you were referring to (ie. was the dog running or was Ternan?)

He can make enough in one day to pay for his whole rent? I need to become a rat-killer! It pays well!

Ha! He keeps rats as currency! Very clever!

"Those thugs weren't out to kill him....They were almost as cold hearted as Gerda." I think (beyond the first sentence which could be right if the thugs were not out to kill him on a regular basis) that this should be in past tense. "They HAD just wanted to kick him about for a a laugh..." etc. )

"...She just cleans it.' And collected rent..." Is this two sentences? A second thought? Is he saying it?

I appreciate the effort and detail in Ternan's choice of direction to the warehouse and back but it makes for a long paragraph that, for someone not familiar with the area, isn't of any interest. Could you limit it to the important places?

You're swapping tenses mid-sentence. "A flash of colour had caught his eye one evening as he HAD made his way to the Collector..." This entire sentence should be a more distant past. Lots of HADs

You swapped POV mid-scene in letting Trenan walk away and staying with the Collector and the strangers.

Tub is sentient?! (but strange interjecting of his POV mid-scene there...)
And it seems so appropriate for the dog to plan to finish his sausage first so he can beg some of Trenan's too!

Ok, that's all I've got for now! Hope it helps. I think this a very well writen piece with huge potential for an intriguing adventure. Although the protagonist is young (how young in that he considers Linzi a friend and not much more?) it feels like it could be read by an older crowd and enjoyed! I'll be back to do more (hopefully the rest!) later this week.

Shakat
Stand

Chp 8.

Opening sentence is a long one. Cut it up.

Just the thought made her reel.... the following paragraph might be an opportunity to elaborate a little more on Those Departed.

The rats!!!... Rats... (uppercased)

but he carried on snoring (as he had since falling asleep)--- consider cutting this.

and the rats ran up the drain that runs (ran?) down the alleyway on the east side of house one. Should this be uppercase?

And Linzi had taken to serving drinks to her empty head..... I don't understand.

Nice dialogue here were both Old Sam and Brehul play down the package of the rats. And the package is ... interesting...

Really enjoyed the dialogue in this chapter. It made me forget I was reading a boo. And it was a good step in solving what was happening with the rats, the guy on the wharf, and the little packages. Also enjoyed the brief possession that went on there. Well done. Didn't see any other troubles or issues.

Chp9.

She saw Ternan stood in the middle---not standing?

Both of these men wore creaking leather armor under their long traveller's coats--but would Linza see them if they wore long coats?

He can't be watched day and night (no comma) here, as he should be

Some of the men bore lanterns and the dance of the light and shifting shadows.... this seems a little long and clunky to me.


The moon flickered behind fleeting wisps.... some great, creepy foreboding imagery here. Set up just right.

Responsiblities... this paragraph might be best placed back where we first get introduced to Gerda. Just to emphasize the point of her character. Just a thought--unless Ternan is thinking this because of some magic influence.

The hit on the escort and Ternan--tense and exciting. Well done. I enjoyed that. I actually thought it was all a set-up to deliver Ternan to the Faithful.

The skittering of clawed paws--why not just claws?

So. You are the one out servant spoke of---not servants?

I was a little disappointed that you didn't describe the arrow actually hitting the guy, other than the burning eyes were snuffed out. A YA thing?

Blasts of fire, rats washed away, images of napalm in the morning and smells of victory. Ahhhhhhhhh :)


Well, I'm interested TRM. You gonna post more of this? The pace is picking up nicely I think. I'm not one for heaping on praise for work, so, if you hear me asking about the story you've got me hooked. Take it for what it's worth.

Later then,
Keith

Just finished reading chapters 6 and 7. All in all, well done. Colorful setting, interesting characters, cute pooch.
And then there are the rats. :)

Chp 2.

Here you go--as always, only one guy's opinion. And In places where I noted semi-colon usage---I've noticed this in Katrina's writing as well, and I'm thinking it's a British style thing. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
And I just checked with my coworkers--so I AM wrong... in some cases anyway. I won't list those, and you'll be none the wiser....

(comma not needed) rather than broken bones.

"Them Gone Ternan!" It's always difficult to know what's right in dialogue, but is Gone supposed to be uppercase?


It could give anyone (a) headache, a hammering... (no colon--I'd use a period instead) Might I suggest ----
"It was Gerda, the housemistress. There was no mistaking her strident voice or her hammering on the door that threatened to (shake) it off its hinges." or something like that?

Hazy memories returned (period) yesterday had been a bad day.

(comma not needed) as the hammering on the door continued---you used hammering already so how about something else? Pounding perhaps?

Where had the dog been (no comma) when he was running? Where had he been running? (this was a little confusing--the dog or Ternan? Or do you mean to emphasize that T. had been running---compare "where had he (in italics since this site won't let me) been running?"

The memory of their jeers-- whose jeers? His attackers of course-- you'll have to mention them.

Now, I must say TRM,--- I'm enjoying your dialogue here. Very well done.

"There's plenty more as would pay...." is this okay?

He'll have to let gerda see his stash.--he would have to...

And the next scene was great. I smiled.

Ternan had frozen--Ternan froze..... Gerda's arrival had (omit had) chilled --- is this passive writing? You might want to write more active sentences.

... for the street kids to clear the CIty's rats (is city a proper noun here?)


Using sticks and stones at first----what about "he used sticks and stones at first, like other kids, then (moved up to?) a sling."

A proper steel dagger (no comma) with an ivory haft.

... and a stretch of twine. It was a proper Nomad's bow...

He unlocked the chest against the back wall with the key hung with string around his neck... I would omit (with string) or rewrite this entirely.


Some shoes that pinched (now--omit)

In his satchel (no comma) yesterday.

Ternan used the tip of his dagger to tease a knot... this sentence was a little confusing to me. You might consider rewriting it---but don't lose "to tease a knot" that was goooood.

Dad would be really impressed to find me there (no comma) one day...

A few choice kicks as well (no comma) yesterday.

And for Tub too (comma) but he was...

The guards at the gate gave T. a cheery smile---- cheery smiles? One guard or two or ...?

Once he'd finished his hunt.... this goes into a long sentence that should be cut into two.

I very much liked your street names and your description of the city. Very colorful.

Work Lane was not the most pleasant place to be early on a morning (comma)

"Time(s) are hard," they muttered...

He didn't know why (no semi colon) but guessed that...

Again, a wonderful job describing your city here. And I liked "like a hen on its nest." Well done.

But soon after, he reached the heart of... you'll need to look at this again and maybe rewrite it.

Ternan left the Old Mart behind (no comma)

I liked the paragraph where he remembers Linzi. I think you really started firing on all cylinders there. It was a warm flashback that worked great.


Well, you have some work to do on this. A little wordy in places and some sentences that could have been two or three. On the postive side--you painted a vivid description of the city, it's inhabitants, and a glimpse of life therein, and... I'm enjoying myself . I'm waiting for a little more on Ternan, but hey, it's only chp 2 and a guy getting by on keeping the local pestilence down is good in my book! Liked the character of Gerda as well.... I envisioned her as.... painful. And not someone to... anger. Can't wait to get back to the rats. Don't know why. Strangeness.

Hope it all helps, and remember, tis only one guy's opinion.

Regards,
Keith

Hi TRM,

Here we go... as always, this is just one person's opinion so I suggest before making any serious changes you should probably wait and see if other readers make the same comments or whatever.


Chp1.

From his bed.... this is a really long sentence. You might want to chop it in two.

without leaving his bed--not needed as you've already stated he's in bed.

whatever the sound was---the sound is not needed--already established.

Unmistakably, the looser of the two----unmistakably doesn't work for me here.

A torrent of black rats poured by-- I would drop the rest. Oh, and ARGH!!

However, the light came not from the window above but seemed to cling---this is a nice piece of description and imagery here, a little long. Any way of condensing it a little? Or two sentences?

Ternan was astounded--- he wasn't freaked out? Wow!

They ran up his back and... TRM... you REALLY are going to win some horrow fans here!! Great!! :)


Ternan tried to stand (comma needed--not semi-colon) but....

By the awful creatures as they swarmed past and all over him (one of those "hims" should go.)

T. stood in a brilliant patch of moonlight in an ocean of utter darkness.--- I would consider changing "ocean" to something else as it gives connotations of flatness.

He was now surrounded--maybe not "now"---how about "soon" or suddenly.

And then with lengthening strides-- needs S

More and more, the rats began to run... a really long sentence I thought.

Now the beasts .... there's something bothering me about using "now" so often to instill a sense of suspense or urgency. I wished I had paid more attention in grammar class.... but there is a pattern here of "now and now and now"... emerging.

The throng slowed to a shuffling pace and the rats squeezed together.... and now was queuing to get in--- I would lose this last clause. I don't think it's needed.

Pressing in on him--- "on him" is perhaps not needed.

...and it hissed.... put a period before "And" and start a new sentence.

...and the rough hands pushed him.... omit "the."

...where it rejoined three other figures stood apart---wrong tense

Similarly clad.... I would suggest "wearing cowls of ...."

You're splitting up a lot of sentences with semi colons when all is really needed is a comma or a period.


...and Ternan plummeted with them... I woudl place a period right before "and."


The floor of this abyss---isn't an abyss bottomless?

Well, not a bad opening chapter. I'm in--always a sucker for rat stories :). It'll be interesting to see where you head with this. The most striking scene was of course, the rats flowing over him. That was goooood.
Hope it's a help.

Regards,

Keith

Hi TRM
Eww, rats are my pet hate. If this were me, I would freak out completely. A great first chapter with lots of tension and description. I loved it although I hated it, if you know what I mean. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi TRM,
This is very good, well written with a very intense first chapter. I was going to point out a few inconsistencies in the first chapter (only a few rats at a time could possibly climb up his arm, rats don't weigh very much so even if they covered you, you could still get up, etc) but then I read on and realized it was a dream sequence, and of course anything can happen in a dream. A note: deafening squeaking is fine in a dream, but in reality, rats rarely make any noise at all.
I can see how this would really creep out people who are afraid of rats (I'm not. I think they make great pets! I used to have one called Dippy... she was a very nice rat). No real advice to offer here... this is a great story, though as a second book it will never likely climb as high in the rankings as it deserves to be, one of the faults of the authonomy ranking system.
Backed, of course.

Nice entertaining read. Well written. Glad to back you work

I hate rats, in fact I hate them to the point of phobia, so reading this was not something I under took willingly.
You write very well, even if its about rats. And the excitment is terrfic and the promise is there of a great and imaginative plot.
But...if you don't mind, i'm not going to read any more, I really can't cope with the rodents.

Your prose is quite polished. You captured a fantastic experience yet described it as realistic. This is one of the better first chapters that I've read. Backed.
Tom Kepler
The Stone Dragon

An amazing job of description. I have no idea who Ternan is, how old he is, or what is his position in life. But it does not matter. To craft a first chapter with only three lines of conversation, and an unknown main character and yet leave us so involved is impressive. Thanks for the read and good luck!

Good pitch, good theme. Horrific idea of rats swarming over him. I think you could do more with this dramatic episode. Surely he'd do more than gasp when he first saw the stream of rats?

good work, though. Page turning. Backed
Rosalind
Good for Him

Excellent Read. The beginning with Ternan's encounter with the rats creeped me out completely. But through it all, there was a great sense of fantasy. You have picked great names for your characters and they are very impressionable. You write beautifully, and the complex plot will hook your YA readers. There is also a sense of great mystery and eeriness in your writing and Ternan is a very interesting MC.
Backed earlier and I'm just getting around to commenting.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

What an excellent job you have done here. Thank you for putting this on Authonomy.

Backed with enormous pleasure

Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

I loved the cover art—very creepy. What a wonderful book. You have crafted a book with carefully selected words and compelling characters. I wish you the very best
Scott
Esrevinu

Dear TRM, I love that you have good hooks at the end of each chapter, like "a carpet of shattered human skulls" - can you picture that? - very excellent. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help yours & mine move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

TRM

The Ratter's Tale - Ternan's dream gives us a taste of the eerie forces involved. Chapter 2 gives us the atmosphere of Ghedassir and Ternan's background and his relationship with Tab, his dog.
The geography of alleys is dense and could do with breaking up or sculpting. Then the story turns mysterious with conspiracies and spells being cast, and I was hooked. Some fascinating characters, Linzi, Brehul, Sam ... who are not what they seem, and the Scareface of a secret order with an army of rats at their service who are carriers of some goods ... I have my guesses. The tale takes off slowly and progressively pulled me in. I'd do something about the second chapter so.

Backed with pleasure. Pia (Course of Mirrors)