Zamorna

Lyrical and evocative and seemingly effortless, a charming narrative that slowly builds atmosphere and suspense as Vermilion comes nearer to the heart of the mystery and the mystery of her heart. the remainder of the book is so present in the first 11 chapters that I don't feel I need read the rest of the book, but I want to, nevertheless, to see just how beautifully it is accomplished. In some ways reminiscent of Ursula LeGuin, in the ease with which a milieu is characterised, with pellucid prose that rivals the clarity of Mary Renault, I don't think I'll have to wait too long until it is published.

Zamorna

Thought the title was idiosyncratic until I got into the character names!
This book is a-b-s-o-l-u-t-e-l-y fantastic. It’s fun, intelligent, brilliantly structured and a great read – no one should miss this!

This is wonderful stuff. High gothic romance at its best.

This is polished, professional, intelligent and extremely entertaining. I will admit that initially I had a bit of confusion over the character's names, but once I sorted them out I was on my way to a great read. Six stars and remains on my WL to finish reading. Well done and this does belong on the ED and to be published.

I enjoy your book, which I have backed. There is a hint of Mrs. Radcliffe's 'The Mysteries of Udolpho', except that Vermilion is a much more sensible heroine than Emily. Also, of course, Mrs. Radcliffe explains away all the seemingly supernatural elements. In fact, the Duke also seems to have some affinity with Miss Brontë's hero Mr. Rochester, as Vermilion has with Jane Eyre. Lilias is a more lively character than little Adèle. The taste for horrid romances is one that Vermilion shares with Miss Jane Austen's heroine Catherine Morland in 'Northanger Abbey', except that Vermilion is more sensible than that young lady! Best wishes, Barbara

I love the humour, the setting, the plot and the characters. The use of language is exquisite and I feel vastly underqualified to review this excellent MS further. High stars awarded and backed. If this book is not selected for publication, there is little hope for the rest of us. Yours Bea

I have only read the first few chapters so far, but I'm loving it. The voices of the characters are so vivid in my head that I feel I must have already heard your novel read aloud on Radio 4's Book at Bedtime. Gothic, literary, romantic - it has echos of "The Rose and the Ring". I can't wait to finish this story. I'm putting it on my bookshelf.

I've finished all your uploaded chapters now and I am loving this. I think it is exceptional, a totally convincing Gothic Romance. I could certainly go for the Duke and I love the little comic asides like blinking at the revelation of the home life of Zamorna.
The first time I read this I stopped during the initial coach journey. That was a mistake!

Finally, Zamorna has got to the top of my watchlist, and I have placed it on my shelf. I started reading this a year ago, and got put off by the first page, to be honest, because I thought it was a 'romance' and wasn't gripped. Later I returned and read further, and I'm thoroughly hooked now, and enjoying it immensely! Haven't commented in any detail, but will say something burningly relevant when I finish.

Your SP caught my attention - I am sure you can guess why... One of the most famous governess/heroine tales, the one that defined the entire romance genre was... Oh, never mind - I know now from reading your chapter that you know that very well, and have rather cleverly used that "but...but..." reaction to your SP to draw readers in. (At least, I hope you have!)
Your tale immediately captivated, the writing is a pleasure.

I have no idea why I haven't read this before now. I have read chapter 1 and am absolutely enchanted. I'll read on and give you a proper comment later but this is wonderful. A real breath of fresh air. I've just finished reading Anne Bronté's 'Agnes Grey,' so this fits nicely with my present trend of reading. Love it!

Hi Ferret,

I so enjoyed the wonderful collection of names which sets the scene and places the reader into a different reality from the start. You've spiced up the story line with plenty of mystery and hear-say, including dreams and thoughts, which all add to give the impression that something most unusual is going to happen.

I was a little confused about some of the backstory about the Duke and his mother, wife and daughter, although the following chapters levelled this feeling with additional events taking place and explaining the situation. Maybe this out-of-control sense on part of the reader adds to the obscurity and might therefore act as a literary tool of sorts. Maybe it's just me.

The pace was good, although I found myself wanting to get further quicker. This obviously creates the wish to read on, and is desirable for that reason. Within the chosen genre I found that this was polished, well plotted and, above all, humorous with many down-to-earth wisdoms.

Your MC has her head firmly screwed the right way, while her position and vulnerability force her to be dependent and show risk-taking qualities to overcome the usual status-angst, which girls of her standing must have experienced, and maybe still do. All the characters are colourful and real (, and you didn't resort to stereotyping.) A very nice read.

Ame
Wolfmother

What Beautiful Dialogue! I really enjoy the florid language. I feel myself caring for Vermilion already and ive only read the first chapter! The heavy foreboding is a good catch- i tend to do that with my novels as well. Maybe we could exchange reads? My novel is called Terrible Lightness :)
Im putting you on my shelf!
~Kelsey

Zamorna has been on my absolutely-must-read list ever since I first spotted the name 'Vermilion' in it, ages ago. Vermilion, by Norah G. Shaw (1935), about a baby dragon called Spooflunks among many other things, is quite the best book in the world, ever, but that's another story... I'll be back soon with a proper comment once I've had properly dug-in read of a bit more. It seems brilliantly quirky and scholarly and governessy so far, and has already received high praise indeed from others; but one mustn't be too biased, at least not at the outset...

Zamorna

This was a recommended read, and I'm glad I findly found some sit down time to enjoy it.

Another great story!

seven chapters in and not one freaking note on my behalf.

here's the thing, I actually disagree with the folks about your cover. after reading what I've read so far, I really like the cover, I think it's suited to the book... the problem is that if you haven't read the book, it may not call out to people to say 'pick me up, open me, read me'

damn problem with society if you ask me - too much is focussed on sex appeal. you'd be better off with one word on a blank page "Zamorna" - but where's the fun in that?

anyhoo, great read - I can see why it's so highly recommended!

Jaclyn x
My Life Without Me

What fun exotic names! The writing is buttery and the author does a wonderful job of setting an old-fashioned scene. Nice!

Brilliant. The names, the names. Imagine them subject to the screeching glottal stop in a Tesco aisle.
Beautifully crafted. Can look again and comment more specifically, if you wish.
Happy to save this one for shelf later.

Billie

This truly is a masterpiece. I hope it gets picked up. The story, the characters, the flow, everything about it feels right. I would never look for something like this however I am glad I found it. I have to agree with one comment on here and I hope you dont think me disrespectful, but the cover is dreadful. i know it probably wasnt your final choice but it really is bad. Anyway. i love the book, big score from me.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or a watch list. Thank you. Happy New Year. Sean

Hi
Loved the opening paragraphs - detailed, punchy and descriptive. Will be returning to read more as time permits. On a minor note -just a little curious as to the unnecessary random capital letters ie 'Politically Unsound' and 'Bad Blood'. Good luck with this.
Teresa
Love, Suzi x

This is lovely. So well written with a real feel of the times. I will be back to read more in the new year. Good luck!!

Zamorna. Well, I said I'd read and I've read. :) And, you know what, it's bloody brilliant! Sort of Northanger Abbey on acid with a side order of the League of Gentlemen.
You write a dream and I know from the forum just how knowledgeable you are about history and so on, but this wears its erudition so lightly. You have a deft touch, madam.
I tend to keep a pad open as I read and just shove down any notes and any nits - please bear in mind I am no editor and my thoughts are purely those of a reader.
So, for what they're worth.
Chap 1 - for some reason, 'handing' bothered me - I think my mind wanted to hear a straightforward verb rather than a participle. It also pulled up at a sentence ending on a preposition - purely because the language is so exact that it sounded an odd note. (about being the word in question here).
I love the idea of someone being considered 'cargo'.
Enjoyed the idea of the difficulty of the apple peel falling into an E. The selfsame thing often occurred to me while playing this game.
There is an easy humour here - it's very beguiling.
I do wonder about the Zamorna history here - it's dense somehow and might slow up the read at this stage.
Chap 2 - love Fancy as a name. Love Fancy as a character.
Chap 3 - love the cannibal innkeeper idea.
Chap 5 - buxomer? That gave me pause. Is that really a correct form? If it is, it shouldn't be. :)
love the way she can't be arsed to be shocked.

I stopped here. Not because I wasn't enjoying it but because I was enjoying it too much and it was hurting my eyes. I really do struggle reading on screen. I don't suppose you have a .mobi file of the whole thing I could read on my Kindle, do you?

For some odd reason I thought this had already done and dusted the ED thing so was a bit surprised to find it has been here for so long and is only at around the 100 mark. Makes me think, as I often do, that this place is more than slightly bonkers. Truly, the ED is not a mark of quality if this has been overlooked...but then I've come across a fair few similar injustices. :(

Overall thoughts. Just fabulous really. Bloody fabulous.
Little general nitpicky things. Don't think your cover does the book justice. It makes it look a bit staid somehow, and it is far from that.
I do wonder if you try to cram too much into the first chapter. I felt, in retrospect, that it needed a little more room to breathe.

I'm really enjoying your book, Tina. Up to chapter 7 - it truly is a delight to read. This will be my Christmas reading. I hope it's finished and that you will be publishing soon, I would hate not to be able to read to the end.

Happy Christmas :)

Michelle

Hello! I spent most of the day yesterday reading your book. I absolutely loved it. I was extremely disappointed when you stopped where you did! lol The only thing I could see that could be improved upon was your description of the duke and I felt that he could have showed the governess a little more attention if you are intending a love interest there. I love the Gothic feel to this book. A little of Jane Eyre mixed in there, yet quite different at the same time. If you decide to post more, I would like to read it. Thank you for the opportunity to read your lovely story! :)

Hello Tina,

I just loved this. Fantastic voice, lively and distinctive. I'm liking Vermilion at once. I've just read the first three chapters and can't fault it. Am loading the rest on my iPad for bedtime reading :) So high stars for now. Highly likely on my shelf when I've finished it. I'll let you know what I think then....

Bests,
carol.
"Heart Fire"

HI there,

this isnt wrritten in any of the style that i normally read, that being said, i really enjoyed what i did read. It's well written, with fully rounded characters and an interesting plot.
My only suggestion would be about the cover. Iyt didnt appeal to me at all. The name gets lost withing the picture and the picture really didnt do anything to express what your book was about. I'm sorry.
I'llkeep you on my WL for now and try and come backk to read some more.

Kind regards

Claire C Riley
Limerence

Fun stuff. Would make an interesting movie. On WL for now.

Why is this book still on Authonomy? It's so ridiculously good - after four chapters - that I'm almost ashamed it took me this long to read it. I can only put that down to my own stupid preconceptions.

I have no criticism to offer, and see little point in trying to pull out highlights - except the use of the name Montmorency, the wit, and the beautifully graceful writing - so all I shall say is that Zamorna is one of the very best books I have read on Authonomy, along with Jinger Barley and Bad Bishop.

How absurd that only one of those three has made it to the celebrated Editor's Desk.

Very well written; it flows effortlessly, is interesting and holds attention. Even though at the beginning it seems innocuous, there is enough of a threat of things to come (mainly because of the clever use of strange names, which shows it is more than an historical romance). This is without question a good novel and many less competently written have found their way into print, so I have no problem awarding this six stars and watchlist and when I re-arrange my bookshelf later, a place on it.
Andrea
The De Amerley Affair

Really enjoying this am so happy I came a cross it proud to have it on my shelf. Your writing is beautiful.

Club Grimoire 2nd round
Hi Tina,
I am sorry but my thoughts have not changed from from first reading of chapter one., although I ventured further.
I did pick out certain lines that could be altered but it wasnt worth noting. Too much dialogue for me in the first two chaps and I rushed through the over long paragraphs therefore losing track of the story/plot.
I know you are high in the charts and I do wish you well with it, but I cant go through each chapter looking for good and bad points.
Again I am sorry for being so straight forward and not following the obvious copycat crits you have received.
Pat

you write very well and your language is very appropriate for the time. Good job. It took her long time to get to her job - seven chapters. Still the writing and the storytelling deserves many stars.

Abby

Although this is a genre I usually don't take to, the story is very hard to put down. You are good at suspense building and dark without being all emo. The only criticism I have is the cover art. The title of the book is too small and gets lost in the thumbnail version we see on here. If I didn't come across it on someone else's shelf and have my interest piqued, I probably wouldn't have given it a view. I'm glad I did though!

Zamorna.

in some ways this work reminded me of Georgette Heyer's novels, with a little of Jane Eyre thrown in for good measure. Vermilion, straight-laced and no nonsense of necessity, finds some release in books that must have been the forerunners of Mills & Boon's offerings. In contrast, enter Fancy, more experienced in the ways of the flesh and not ashamed of it, but who exudes a beguiling innocence. Both go to Zamorna, a place with a dubious history, for different reasons, and a friendship develops between this unlikely pair.
There is a sinister element thoroughout the chapters posted. In the beginning the author teases the reader by leaking little snippets of what this may be, and only began to reveal Zamorna's secrets, and the true nature of the Duke and his family in the final chapters, which is a little annoying as being a naturally curious person I should have liked to have found out what's really going on.
That said, this is a lot of fun. The writing evokes the period the work is set in very well, as does the portrayal of Vermilion, who it seems has cast herself into an adventure she could not have imagined.

Zamorna by Tina Rath
Very different.
The time period suggests for Victorian style and the dialog seems to hold up to that.
The first chapter is an easy read. Your style of writing is very polished and neat. Things and people develop very well as your get the story started.
Everything is so dramatic and somewhat grim. To me it appeared to have an Adam's family feel about it at time.
Your pitch is well crafted.
This is a very original piece.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please read my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

ZAMORNA by TINA RATH

I was unsure about the nature of this work after having read the synopsis as I could not make a link between the title and content; however the last line generated some interest within me. As K.A.Smith has said, you writing is very lyrical it is descriptive, without being repetitive and you have easily formed the characters without dwelling on every individual detail. Initially, I was taken aback by the names, but I found that they work very well and help to emphasise the fact that they are in a fictional place, but with realism found in our own world. I would happily pay a few angels to buy this book and I'm looking forward to reading further.

Club Grimoire (round 2)

I've now reached chapter 6 and am really enjoying this. I can't think of any criticism to make. Beautifully written and you maintain the tone perfectly. It reads like a mixture of Jane Austen, Georgette Heyer and vampires, sorry upires. I liked the gypsy prophecy and the way the upires get to sleep with their wives at least. Nice reversal that they can be found by virginal young boys for a change. Fancy is a lot of fun too 'knowing and doing are not the same thing' and men being able to see through her under petticoat. Now we have the handsome Duke.
I love it basically!

Tina,
What a wonderful tale you've woven with language so polished, I fear any adjustment would put a carefully crafted work off-kilter. Each visit seems to bring out new sheen to your story, and at Chapter 21, I can sense a great romance in the offing namely between prim and proper governess Vermillion and her employer, the mind-reading Duke Justinian. Your narrative full of beguiling descriptives rich in minutae and your dialogue true to character carry the full weight of your endeavour toward wonderful fruition. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Club Grimoire Review

Your writing style is very lyrical. The old-tongue with which the characters speak can be a bit difficult to understand, at least for me who’s not a native English speaker, but it has a certain charm to it. I like your names, Vermilion and Viridian, though both are names for Pokemon cities (hah!), which is quite a coincidence.
I only found two technical errors. First, you use capital letters on some words that shouldn’t have them (e.g. bad blood), and if it’s supposed to have it, then you’re inconsistent about it because later on it doesn’t have capital letters anymore. Second, the italics paragraph is supposed to be taken directly out of her thoughts, but she’s still thinking in third person, past tense – which doesn’t make sense. You’ll have to make it first person. The tense also seemed wrong to me, you should probably make it ‘we used to’ rather than ‘they had been’.

Other than that, this is a lyrical, professional piece of writing. You ended the chapter nicely, urging the reader to continue to find out why the questions were necessary.
Good job!
Sabina

Club Grimoire Review

A Georgette Heyer style novel set in a fantasy world with magic and vampires? A brilliant idea!

I like the way Erconwald capitalises certain keys words in his speech. I can't think of a better way of showing us how pompous he is (other than the fact he acts pompous, of course). Viridian is scatty and very-slightly-annoying as she should be, and Vermilion is a wonderful character. I'm really hoping she will find romance, even though she clearly does not expect to.

I had just one tiny quibble: I did wonder if it might be a little more natural if Vermilion's thoughts about using the apple peel to predict the first letter of a future husband's name (the paragraph in italics) was moved a few paragraphs later to the point immediately after Viridian mentions the game. I don't think that it would disrupt the dialogue too much. Where it stands at present, it seems to me to interrupt Vermilion's thoughts about the Zamorna family and the "Bad Blood". Then Vermilion's explanation of the apple peel game comes in response to Viridian mentioning it first, rather than seeming to preempt it.

I am looking forward to discovering more about Vermilion's world. I suspect that the dangers she will face will be rather worse than unruly children.

best wishes and good writing, John.

My Grimoire comments,

What a high voice and writing style is employed here, and it is soon obvious, that 'we are not in Kansas any-more.'
That is although you do not try to set the scene other than with the archaic dialogue and phrases which is used so well.
Then there are the names! My goodness, I can only imagine how you came upon them and to type out Vermilion Massinberd so many times. It must have required a prodigious effort. However, they are also wonderful and high Victorian, as is your settings and attitudes of the M/C.

That said it invokes something of the feel of Jane Eyre, and that is one of my all-time favourites. Judging by the pitch this is going to be just as interesting and beguiling. With Magic thrown in, who could ask for anything more. Well done indeed. Ray Jones (Druids)

Club Grimoire review
What a fun opening chapter - a sort of regency-romance-meets fantasy. Unexpected (except that it's Club G), since the pitch doesn't really give it away, and only we are given for the moment just brief glimpses into the 'otherness' of the world in which Vermillion lives. (btw, the 'upires' in the pitch - not a typo, but deliberate?)

The characterisation of Veridian and Erconwald as individuals and as a married couple is very well done, and I guess that saying Erconwald seems like a total stiff-necked twit is exactly how we are meant to feel about him, while Veridian strikes me as a woman not content, but unlikely to ever do anything about it. Vermillion is shaping up to an entertaining MC - I expect she will be getting herself into all sorts of interesting and compromising situations. The detail of throwing apple peels over the shouder is a nice touch - giving some insight into the past relationship of the sisters.
The writing feels effortless, with a nice balance of dialogue and description.

The only part that had me a bit muddled was the references to the duchess who had turned rebel - I was not quite sure who she was, and had to re-read that whole section twice to try and fix the 'history' clearly in my mind. the information given is not necessarily too much, but it felt as though it jumped around a bit, so I lost track of who was who.

There was one paragraph where there were small nits - words in wrong order...checking to find it...7th para from end (if you count the one line of dialogue as a para). 'come instantly to the kitchen and 'that' testify'.... 'meat just delivered was unfit to give a dog'=missing the 'to' before dog.

Overall, very well written opening with the promise of plenty of entertainment to come. I think this one is a winner.

This is charming and erudite! I love your characters voices, and the overall tone of the piece. You deliver plenty of dialogue, adorned with enough narrative and description but no more, which is just right.
Critique-wise, I did find just a few minor lines to quibble about, and do ignore me if you'd prefer:
"Vermilion had often found this ritual annoying" seemed wordier than need be. I'd go with "Vermillion found this ritual annoying"
"do not you think" sounds weird. I like "do you not think" better.
The end of chapter one has multiple uses of the words frightened and question rather close together. I'd look for ways to avoid that. maybe "leaving Vermilion to wonder about the reasons behind her interrogation."
But overall, really delightful writing. Six stars!
And if you have any interest in children's literature, please do come visit the Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Club Grimoire Review
This is the second book I've revisited and realised that I'd forgotten how brilliant it is. This time I'll keep it on my watchlist!
The Victorian fantasy works perfectly and you establish your world effortlessly in the first chapter. The characters come across strongly. Erconwald is so irritating I'd like to make him bite a lemon. Very witty dialogue - I love Eat the Bread of Idleness. The throwing of the apple peel is a clever way of tying in the magic theme with the present. Z, well as you say there aren't many letters apple peel can make. An excellent hook at the end of the chapter - are you easily shocked and frightened.
I've already given this 6 stars and definitely would again. Look forward to reading on.

Club Grimoire: Zamorna
Nice. There's a lot of Austen-esque dry wit and social jabs throughout. I definitely chuckled a lot - which is a good thing. The writing is good, and the interactions between the sisters is genuinely entertaining. But by far your best aspect is the character of Vermillion. She embodies the best aspects of your writing, and reading through her intelligent, sometimes sarcastic, insightful voice is what makes reading Zamorna a pleasure. The first chapter immediately made me like her and want to follow her story, which is the point, right?
Anyway, bits/thoughts:
Then he sliced the seals with the little knife- dumb nitpick. The latter half of the previous sentence began with "then," and so does this, which cuts the flow. I might try, "Next, he sliced...) 
Lady Sophronia struck me as being on the shady side of fifty - I laughed a lot here.
Vermilion hesitated for a moment - id get rid of "for a moment." - its unnecessary (I do this a lot too), and you may to actually need the phrase throughout the book, so you want to cut down where it's unnecessary. (Also, you use "Vermillion hesitated" two paras later, which stood out to me. Maybe switch one up, for another descriptor of hesitation)
The Emperor had begun his imprudent campaign against magic workers - this sentence stood out as a bit clunky.  Might want to take a look at it. 
Thoroughly enjoyed the mini-rant about stupid names (after dog names) and matching dresses.
Highly starred, it's a great start.
Ellie

Club Grimoire.

What a great read!
Its such a classic romantic novel - 'Jane Austen', but with fantasy too.
I'm so pleased I had the opportunity to read this.
The first chapter sets the story off to a brilliant start. Wonderful dialogue, witty too.
junetee
FOUR CORNERS.book one.The Rock Star

Club Grimoire Review

Chapter One

I enjoyed reading this, which seems to stand up to the quality of Victorian literature. The setting feels authentically Victorian and the dialogue too. The story is conceived thoroughly, exemplified for me in the paragraphs covering the family history of the Duke and Vermilion's various doubts about the job. Not only does the apple peel idea break the narrative and dialogue between the sisters of the job offer but gives reason to touch upon the matter of magic and the Emperor's denouncement of it (which I'm guessing, this being a fantasy novel, will play some significant part in the story).

This opening chapter appears to have all the elements that it needs. The dialogue is natural, there are the beginnings of what promises to be a good story, features characters that feel human and not false, gives well-conceived backstory, and entices the reader to read on at the end. But in my mind it is all done so smoothly, which is enough to tell me the author is clearly a skilled one.

Arnbjorn

A great read, quite unlike anything I have seen before - I thought it would be Bronte-sisters-esque until the first mention - in perfect seriousness - of magic, whereupon I was instantly intrigued and had to read on! Vermillion is a great protagonist: the sensible and strong-willed heroine, perfect for what is, I think, to come in future chapters.

The writing is very well done, with just enough tantalising hints of her new employers to add suspense to the quite ordinary preparations Vermillion makes to leave.

This is definitely one I would want to read the whole way through, and I don't doubt that I will be able to do so not far in the future!

Selena Hallahan
Thicker than Water

ZAMORNA
This is an interesting story. I can’t believe it hasn’t gotten more attention on this site. Vermilion is a great main character; an obviously competent and “take charge” kind of woman. The warnings, “Are you easily shocked? Are you easily frightened?” at the end of the first chapter creates a good leadin for what is to come. Made me keep reading to see what horrible things could await her at the Duke’s home. Not the fastest paced story, but rich in descriptions and hints of magic and phrases such as, “eat the bread of idleness”, I’m starring this highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Club Grimoire Review

Fantasy meets Pride and Predudice - I love it! This is unlike anything I have read before which is something you don't get every day.

I love your characters although I would maybe have liked a little more physical description. The whole premise is what really hooked me and the end of the first chapter made it really difficult to stop reading. I will definately be back to read more of this.

Cheryl
Luna

Club Grimoire Review - Zamorna
Tina Rath

** Chapter 1**

First sentence: “morning’s post” . . . is there post in the afternoon? If not, you could lose “morning’s” which makes the sentence a bit wordy and also helping to avoid repetition of the word “morning” in the second sentence.

If it weren’t for the unusual character names, I would think this was an historical romance – not that there’s anything wrong with that – that’s just the way the opening presents, with the overbearing brother-in-law the formal speech patterns.

I’m not sure why “Life” and “Fashionable Vice” are capitalized – but maybe this will be clear later. A lot words are capitalized, which is a bit jarring when I read (just my opinion and maybe just part of your writing style that I need to adjust to).

Period missing after “with delicate malice”.

Mixed verb tenses: “He dabbed his mouth with his napkin and rising to his feet, indicating that breakfast was over). I think “rising” should be “rose”.

“The Emperor had her brought to Court to be BRED up as a loyal subject,” – I’m not sure “bred” is the right word here: bred = breed = parentage – not something you can change.

I like the reminiscence of their childhood superstitions – it’s sweet, and also a bit of foreshadowing of something to come. Nicely done.

Confusion again – “She sighed, thinking of Erconwald and of the young Duchess who had brought Bad Blood into the Zamorna family . . . makes it sound like Erconwald also brings bad blood to that family, but as far as I can tell, they aren’t related? Not sure.

The writing flows pretty well, with the plot being set up quite nicely through dialogue, flashbacks and descriptive prose. A few sentences are a bit wordy, but that could just be style. There are few grammar or technical issues. My only real concern is that you set Vermillion up as not being flighty or stereotypically high strung (as per your short pitch – which I peaked at because I wasn’t sure how much of the romance genre I was getting myself into), but she comes across as almost less sensible than her sister who obviously manages her husband easily as well as household issues. You’re off to a good start.

Jenny

Club Grimoire Review,

I very much enjoyed this first chapter and have decided to back it. I will be returning soon to read the next chapter. Great tension over the reading of the letter and the acceptance of the position.

Club Grimoire Review,

Very good job of bringing the Victorian feel to life. I felt as if I had stepped into a Jane Austin novel. The dialogue gives a wonderful insight into who the characters are and what there back stories are all by themselves. I think the back story is important, and something we need to know, but perhaps it could be interspersed between other bits of the story. That way we keep all the hard work you have done but it keeps the plot moving.
Meagan

Club Grimoire Review of “Zamorna” by Tina Rath [aka Ferret]

I’m going to try something new here, I hope you don’t mind, that I’ll be relaying my impressions as I go. I normally have something immaculate prepared, but I’m not in an immaculate mood at the moment. ^_~

I took a peek at the pitch and tags (which I always do) before I got started, and got fired up at the thought of gothic comedy in an alternate universe. I’m hoping it’s something Burtonesque! I’m excited! And there’s something endearing about your short pitch. I have this thing about flipping words, and you did it well.

First impressions: Has a strong Victorian feel. Delightful. Quick establishment of the title in connection to the family name. Erconwald is instantly annoying and I’m hoping an army of bats attacks him soon, so people can get their mail!

I loved this. At times the dialogue was tricky (I wondered if possibly some tags would help with that, or depiction of surrounding action?), but ultimately I enjoyed it very much. It has a dark thread running beneath it with the rumors and the Emperor’s apparent loathing for magic that began a war (if I’m reading it correctly, forgive me if I’m not). You present a lot of information, but I feel it’s done in such a way that it’s easy to sort through and file away.

I did notice some errors with grammar and a run-on sentence, but I’ve got those in a different file, since I hate to put things like that in your permanent comments. I’d be happy to message you with them, if you like; but I haven’t seen your other comments, so I don’t know if they’ve already been mentioned, which would make mine both redundant and annoying. :P

I’m anxious to read the second chapter and discover the reasons why she shouldn’t be easily shocked or frightened!

~ Shelley