Revelation

I find 'Original Sin' extraordinary. Each chapter beckons me to read more, more, more ... I loved the first one for the lively tone of the dialogues - the blind date made me laugh. The second chapter intrigued me and I'm really looking forward to reading about how Nicole's and Kellan's destinies are to converge.
"What if she is an 80-year old woman?" - superb. The third "DNA MATCH" chapter is excellent. Professional approach. Each chapter is striking, filled with humor and vivid imagery. Can't stop reading! And don't want to! :)

The best of luck with it,
Ivan

Nicely done! I like the pace and the dialogue between Mia and Nicole. They have the familiarity of best friends. Highly recommend.
Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned

Original Sin
Michelle Rhyne

Wow! What an imagination you have. I was blown away by your plot - a vampire tale with Biblical roots. This will go places - curiosity alone will kill the cat. The idea of vampire, Kellan Donnolly being the son of Simon The Apostle in your short pitch caught my eye at first, and your long pitch revealed a very sophisticated and complex plot steeped in Biblical "history". How novel! You have some credible if not fantastic characters, and your writing style brings this story to life. I am not a lover of giving editorial advice as I am not an expert, but I think your original, unique storyline more than compensates for any possible writing flaws, which an editor will easily fix anyway - when you find a publisher for this. Somehow I have a feeling you will!
Best,
Zan

Hi Michelle,
Wow, what a great story. You've really put a new twist on the vampire genre and I think you're one to watch. I found strong elements of thriller, romance and horror all meshed together in your opening chapters- a fabulous, blood-curling combination I think! Your attention to detail brings your settings and characters to life and I could see a great plot unfolding. Well done with this. I hope to see more and have backed with pleasure.

Annie
Scarlett and the Soul Thief

Now this is really terrific! It's hard to find a good spin on the vampire myth, but you have certainly captured it! Excellent imagery and characterization, I would definitely buy this and add it to my collection!
Write On! :)
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

As a fellow writer I can't help but notice some passages I would write different to cut down on wordiness. But we are all guilty of that at times. :) Love the Mia-Nicole banter. They behave and speak to each other the way real best friends do.

Reckon you've got a good thing going here. I've backed and put it on my watchlist.

Hi Ron. Yes here in the US donors are paid because sadly Americans do not freely give blood. Most of the donors are starving college students. Ha! We also get paid for donating plasma. I was very interested to learn that in the UK donations are not paid--you learn something new every day. I went back in and fixed the missing 'a'. Thanks for noticing. To be honest, I have looked at this book so much I can't see mistakes anymore! Ha!

Hi Michelle,

I have rad this story before but it was under the old system. I don't generally read vampire stories and I'm not a fan of them but I do recogniose good writing.

You're first chapter is rather long. I would consider splitting it into shorter sections, at least for this forum as people will be more likely to read a shorter piece.

I did spot one error in the early part of the chapter. You have 'from large roll' where the 'a' is missing.

One thing that did surprise me was that blood was being paid for. Perhaps it's different on your side of the pond, but here in the UK, blood must be donated freely. Donors may be given a cup of tea afterwards but that is their only reward - they are not allowed to be paid.

Ron

Hi Michelle,

I have rad this story before but it was under the old system. I don't generally read vampire stories and I'm not a fan of them but I do recogniose good writing.

You're first chapter is rather long. I would consider splitting it into shorter sections, at least for this forum as people will be more likely to read a shorter piece.

I did spot one error in the early part of the chapter. You have 'from large roll' where the 'a' is missing.

One thing that did surprise me was that blood was being paid for. Perhaps it's different on your side of the pond, but here in the UK, blood must be donated freely. Donors may be given a cup of tea afterwards but that is their only reward - they are not allowed to be paid.

Ron

HI Michelle! I'm here reading Original Sin - cool title. Well, great story - the giving blood made me queasy!
Nicole hated detention - haha, what kid doesn't?
Fun girls, sounds like a great story.. looking forward to the vampires...
Thanks!
Monicque! x

I find 'Original Sin' extraordinary. Each chapter beckons me to read more, more, more ... I loved the first one for the lively tone of the dialogues - the blind date made me laugh. The second chapter intrigued me and I'm really looking forward to reading about how Nicole's and Kellan's destinies are to converge.
"What if she is an 80-year old woman?" - superb. The third "DNA MATCH" chapter is excellent. Professional approach. Each chapter is striking, filled with humor and vivid imagery. Can't stop reading! And don't want to! :)

The best of luck with it,
Ivan

Nicely done! I like the pace and the dialogue between Mia and Nicole. They have the familiarity of best friends. Highly recommend.
Dina of 33 and Halo of the Damned

Hi Michelle,

I'm not a fan of vampire stories, but this has a good start and is well written.

Ron

Original Sin was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side (vampire novel). I have Backed and rated your work. You have a great twist on the whole vampire craze! Hope you have a chance to look at Dark Side and find a place for it on your shelf. Thanks!
Sue50

First and foremost, I am a sucker for pretty much anything Vampire. I think that you have a good start here, but feel like you need to work on the language a bit. In places your prose feels a bit "stiff" such as calling the nurses office/hospital/clinic a "Medical Facility" feels a bit stuffy. There are a few other places where you venture into that.

Besides that the dialogue seems pretty realistic and feels like it flows well. The plot so far feels pretty good and pretty well rounded out.

Good job so far. Good luck with it!
-Chris
http://www.authonomy.com/books/4441/rerun/

Hi Michelle. Had a look at your opening chapter. The characterisation, dialogue and descriptions are tight and focused. You do, however, use quite a lot of adverbs, which I suggest you try to find alternatives for wherever possible. There’s also quite a bit of exposition on Nicole’s past, which holds the narrative up a little. I suggest dripping this in throughout the story and putting it in the form of conversation wherever possible. Best of luck with what promises to be a great read.

Descriptions: …and adjusted her gloves tighter on her hands, stirring tiny puffs of power… nice detail.

Nitpicks:
Adverbs: (Immediately) Nicole knew she was… and (casually) brushed her bangs over it. Avoid adverbs whenever possible. Suggest: Straight away Nicole knew she was… and with a casual flick brushed her bangs over it – something along those lines.
Adverbs: …a (highly) reputable and(deeply) Catholic…Neither Nicole or Mia was (particularly) religious…but it wasn’t enough to live on (comfortably)…she (reluctantly) went along. 5 adverbs in one paragraph, 5 too many. Suggest: An institution with a high reputation and roots buried deep in Catholicism. Neither Nicole or Mia were religious…but it wasn’t enough to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. With a great deal of reluctance she went along. These are only rough suggestions, but most times alternatives can be found for adverbs.
Repetition: …he promised to do weeks (ago). Since moving into the apartment less than a year (ago. Suggest replacing the 2nd “ago” with: She’d been in this apartment less than a year and had nothing but trouble with the place.
Exposition: Nicole grew up on a small farm in… He kept no reminders…But to Nicole, the absence of her mother’s image…

A compelling story which engages the readers attention. Interesting characters help this story develop into a fascinating read. I may have backed it before, but happy to do so again. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Michelle,
I muct congraulate you on a superfluous job. Very good and enjoyable read. Believable characters and story lines matched with that eye for detail.

best

Very imaginative. A convincing paranormal romance. Unique characters depicted with skill and keen observation. Their conversations flow naturrally. Insightful narrative. Vivid sense of place. Compelling, thought provoking storyline. Impressive writing. A compulsive read. Backed.

Hi Michelle

Nice opening chapters - refreshingly normal heroine and none of the over-inflated gothic emotional guff that mars many a vampire narrative. I'd happily read about Mia and Nicole's romantic adventures in NY, even without the additional vampire plot driver. Backed.

Nicole (but sadly with no sexy vampires in my life!)
Chosen

Michelle, what an original story line! I will make one suggestion and that is with the first sentence. it is always best to start with dialog, not prose. just swap that around and i think it will have a much greater inpact.
Great story. Good luck with it.
Sharon Van Orman
Eve, an Eden's Exiles novel

Michelle -

Original Sin - Uh, at the bloodbank, that needle takes forever to pinch the skin of Nicole. She seems an ordinary enough girl, if a little insecure because the birthmark she manages to hide under her fringe. We soon learn of the plan behind the bloodbank and how in Nicole the right blood-match is found. Arius, yuk, in a decomposing body, watching the new development, and flying to report his findings to Luzifer's secret lair high in the Alps. Then Simon, one of the apostles who, in my view, lived far too long. I'm not sure I have the stomach for his son, Kellans' exploits. You certainly achieve what Vampire lovers are looking for, and the thought of a romance too, will keep the page turning.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Romance is not my genre so any help on content would be reductive.

The writing is finely tuned to your genre and has a stylish twist at the edges.

BACKED

Pretty easy reading, the tempo is good and the story unwinds smoothly. Backed.
Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

Hi Michelle, Kellen’s father being involved with the blood association is an involving storyline and their vampire background is different. Interesting with their blood science and the discussion. I enjoyed Nicole and Mia, the contrast with the first chapter and their being such normal girls. The dialogue is excellent and you move through these scenes with ease in providing the details about characters, Nicole’s salient physical issues. And the characters are very lively, even the vampires. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Michelle. Many thanks for backing Darkened Voices and many apologies for taking so long to reciprocate. I don't have much in the way of comments, being all vampire'd out these days. One thing from that: emo vampires are in a crowded market place these days, so having a coherent and elaborate "origins of" story might well help you stand out. Best of luck. TRM

Hi Michelle
A great concept here- I like the mix of biblical with chick lit and vampires . The mix of narrative and dialogue is excellent and the story flows really smoothly throughout. Every good book needs a strong character and Kellan really fits the bill and you make him so credible from the outset. Great stuff.
DP Walker
Five Dares

You are totally fantastic, Michelle! :) How can I ever thank you for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Hi Michelle,

Loved it. Kellan is a great character. He`s sexy, anguished and darkly humourous. Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Gabriel)

With the multitude of vampire books on the site this is definitely a unique take on the subject. I do think it's interesting that you have the existence of vampires from a biblical perspective.

I'm curious how he's going to approach Nicole about their destiny? Very well-done and happily backed.

Denise

OMG, this book is brilliant. Michelle where did this come from. How have I missed this read so far. The pitch just got me and when I started reading I realized this book is crafted by a true author. Cant be your first book? anyways the concept and play in this work is original and the characters living. CONGRATS have not read it all but will get around to it. Says incomplete I do hope that if this is so, you will post the balance. BACKED %20000 . .....I know my book is a different genre but....If you would review 'The Letter' and give your 'comments' and 'backing', I would appreciate it. and BEST of luck.

Denise
The Letter

Dear Michelle --

We liked the combination of a vampire story with biblical roots; not a twist we've seen before, and that got us started reading. What kept us going, though, is Kellan's character -- it's great to see a vampire who actually enjoys his status without his being brutish. Those two elements help to make Original Sin stand out within this genre. Others have commented upon the suggestions we might have made, so we'll simply say thank you for supporting The Long Black Veil; we're very happy to return your support. -- Delhui

Hi Michelle,

I'm normally not much of a vampire story reader, but the pitch was very interesting and different from other vampire tales. I found your story fresh by comparison to other vampire stories. I think you've done a great job portraying vampires for what they were originally meant to be. The lineage to Simon the Apostle is very creative, and in my opinion, absolute genius. It gives meaning to their existence, rather than them just being pale faced blood suckers looking for food. I easily see this rising quickly here, and even possibly publication. Great Job and I'm happy to back your work.

Backed 100%

Patrick Armstead
Dark Lands

I taught Sunday school for many years, and as a thriller writer, I am very interested in reading this. I will do so tonight and leave a comment. Thanks for the backing of David Ray's 20th. We seem to have the same twisted sort of creativity - God help our readers!

This is a little different from other vampire novels I've read. You've brought the character of Kellan nicely up to date. He comes across very well and is totally believable. Your powers of description are excellent: On the back wall against the window stood his father's six foot classic cherry desk... Kellan rested his eyes on a portrait of his father - a very clever way of introducing how Simon looks - At six feet four inches tall...

However you do have a tendency towards repetition, which slows the narrative down: ...and although (Kellan) enjoyed his father's company...(Kellan) felt the differences in his body... You use both Kellan and Simon's names over and over again in close proximity. It's okay to use 'he' or 'him' occasionally, especially when Kellan is on his own. ...resting on the shelf beside the (bookcase) a (book) inscribed The (book) of beginnings...

The sentence: ...was dead blood, (not fresh living blood.) You don't need the latter part of the sentence as you've already said the blood in his veins was dead.

The paragraph beginning: Once Ahava carried out the blood ritual and ending with ...he'd miss Connor dearly when his life was over...contains an awful lot of exposition. I realise you're trying to set up the background history of the vampires, and it's extremely well done and inventive, but it would perhaps be better to break this up and drip it gradually throughout the story, instead of serving it up in one large portion.

Finally: Kellan grinned nervously. "Okay", Kellan admitted... You don't need the Kellan admitted, would suggest: Kellan grinned nervously. "Okay."

That said and done, the opening chapter contains many interesting, not to say, original ideas and so the story holds great promise. A little judicious editing would make this a very fine example of writing. Try reading your manuscript aloud, it helps to spot repetitions, wordiness and exposition. I'm happy to back this for the potential it most definitely holds. Good luck.

Very interesting take on vampires. I love what you have up...here's hoping you upload more.

Case (Revelation)

Intriguing premise and a real page turner.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

Hi Michelle, this was so far from my usual read and yet I found it refreshingly easy and highly entertainiing.
Backed with pleasure,
Best wishes,
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Great imagination. Well written, well paced and altogether intriguing. Backed with pleasure.
Abel Kane (The Alchemists' Cookbook)

Hey,
thanks again for your kind comment on my book. I've had a read through yours and you seem to have a good storyline that flows at a nice pace. Nicole is a very likeable character. My only concern would be the big info drop in the first chapter but i guess you need the background info on the vampires ... so i don't know. ignore me?
I liked where it was heading so i have backed it!
cheers
Megan

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Great imagination with a wonderfully painted world alive with solid characters and a smart dilemma to deal with. Wonderful

Very romantic and emotionally compelling. Vampires aren't my cup of tea, but that's okay, I think your story has real promise. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Original Sin
Michelle Rhyne

Wow! What an imagination you have. I was blown away by your plot - a vampire tale with Biblical roots. This will go places - curiosity alone will kill the cat. The idea of vampire, Kellan Donnolly being the son of Simon The Apostle in your short pitch caught my eye at first, and your long pitch revealed a very sophisticated and complex plot steeped in Biblical "history". How novel! You have some credible if not fantastic characters, and your writing style brings this story to life. I am not a lover of giving editorial advice as I am not an expert, but I think your original, unique storyline more than compensates for any possible writing flaws, which an editor will easily fix anyway - when you find a publisher for this. Somehow I have a feeling you will!
Best,
Zan

Michelle, I approach most vampire stories nowadays with caution. They need to have something that stands out from the rest. Based on your first chapter, it appears your work has that crucial standout potential.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

What a very impressive read. I would certainly post more chapters. At first, I wasn;t certain - I've read alot of vampire tales recently. Still, this seemed more richly realised than most and there was a genuine believability to an ancient myth that arose from your immaculate and engaging prose. I thought this was very enjoyable. Thanks for sharing it.
Carl
The Time Hunters

This is a very clever take on the theme.
Immensely imaginative and so well written this is a very engaging book.
I got so engrossed in this it was almost addictive. Very well written and so much enjoyed!

Vampires have been done to death (no pun intended) but this is an excellent fresh look into that stable tale of the undead. You've taken this beyond mass-produced literature such as Twilight and created something intelligent yet approachable. Believable, despite the fact it's fiction.

Brilliant work, and backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Chapter 2

An interesting opening, giving blood. Done it many times - for free. Yes she was a wimp, if the sight of blood was so bad for her she should have said ‘no’, despite Mia’s strong personality. The things we do to please our friends is evident in her agreeing to go.
I liked the reminiscing about how and where Mia and Nicole met. This was interesting and well done. The discussion at the table is realistic. Happy to back.

Anthony
Aqua Omega

A very interesting, imaginative and entertaining twist on the vampire genre. Your story is finely crafted, well paced and well written. Your use of imagery is excellent, your dialogue is tight and realistic and the character development is solid - you bring Kellan and Nicole to life and make them believeable. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is well written and a highly imaginative piece of work. The dialogue keeps the story flowing. This is not my genre now although I can remember in my youth watching and reading Bram Stoker's Dracula many many times. Original Sin adds another dimension to Vampires. They search the blood banks to find a match to the Daughter's code finding some samples infected with HIV. Beinging the authority on white and red corpuscles it is intreguing to bring HIV into the mix. Blood donors are screened for HIV etc. but I understand that some people are natually immune but are potential carriers. There will alway be a market for blood thursty Vampires, albiet your clan has a code practice.
Laurence
The Cross of Goa

Okay, delete your contact information. It's risky putting it up there. You never know who might use it. That's private between you and the agent and/or editor.

Kellan cannot remember his mortal life, but Simon, who is a thousand years older, remembers that Kellan is his child? Confusing.

You use too many dialogue tags that aren't necessary and detail too much action that is redundant. For instance: "Yes, Connor, come in."
Connor entered. "I've completed my rounds..." Obviously Connor has entered or he wouldn't be talking.

Simon rose from his chair and nodded. "Thank you, Connor. That will be all." Take out -- and nodded.

"Very well." Connor turned to leave, glanced back at Kellan and stuck out his tongue.

"Well, son, are you ready to go?" Simon pushed his chair under the desk. "You must be ravenous."
Kellan nodded.
"Well, then, let's be off."

All the rest of the stuff is unnecessary. It doesn't move the story forward and it slows the action. Keep it simple. You need not detail every single solitary movement and dialogue tag. Keep only what advances the story, the plot and adds to characterization.

You say that there are differences between Kellan and Simon and that he feels them. How does he feel them? Be descriptive and keep it simple. Paint the scene where Simon rescues Kellan and what his mother meant to him. Describe the way he sees things now, how memories become indistinct like chalk drawings in the rain, the edges running, blending and washing away. Don't use my words; use your own. Keep the images sharp and show what happens to a vampire who has lived for one or two thousand years. What is different now than before. Show me, don't tell me. Paint me a picture in words.

I hope this helps.

This is a whole new vampire world, and I rather like it. A lot, in fact! I'm not typically a vampire genre fan, but this is...different. There's intrigue, character building, romance, logical explanations of how vampires become vampires - and frankly, your explanations about vampirism seem more plausible than any I've read before. This is a unique vampire tale, and one that I would take note of at a bookstore. Well done, and I hope you upload more chapters!

Amy
Love Match

Now this is really terrific! It's hard to find a good spin on the vampire myth, but you have certainly captured it! Excellent imagery and characterization, I would definitely buy this and add it to my collection!
Write On! :)
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

Hi Michelle,
Wow, what a great story. You've really put a new twist on the vampire genre and I think you're one to watch. I found strong elements of thriller, romance and horror all meshed together in your opening chapters- a fabulous, blood-curling combination I think! Your attention to detail brings your settings and characters to life and I could see a great plot unfolding. Well done with this. I hope to see more and have backed with pleasure.

Annie
Scarlett and the Soul Thief

Hi Michelle, I just finished reading the first two chapters. I like your fast pace; it's what I like to read. The only vampire books I've read are Anne Rice novels (and those were via Audio Books on my long commutes). That said, I'd liked this a lot. I think you have good control over your characters and the description is just the way I like it, upfront and vivid.

I'll come back and read more later!!!

Backed!

Dwayne