Book Jacket

 

rank 3279
word count 23094
date submitted 02.05.2010
date updated 11.04.2011
genres: Fiction, Romance, Christian
classification: moderate
incomplete

Love Has No Borders

Leslie Gervais

Real love stories do happen. There're no borders in love. Different cultures & languages can't stop what is inevitable when two people love each other.

 

Cameron has had her share of bad luck in men. Being with one that she doesn’t love was never what she expected but sometimes these things happen. Never in her wildest dreams did she expect to find a love like she read about in the romance novels.

But it seems she has found the man she has been longing for. Besides being handsome, intelligent and responsible (unlike many of her past boyfriends) Mateo seems to be in love with her and her two girls. Is this really happening to her? Is this the man of her dreams or is Cameron blinded to deceiving intentions? Is Mateo just wanting his legal status or is he for real?

Mateo is a first generation immigrant of his family to migrate to the U.S.. He like many before him wants the american dream . Not wanting to be poor all of his life he knows he must make sacrifices to achieve this dream. He's leaving behind everything & everybody he knows & loves. He plans on doing whatever it takes to make his dreams happen no matter what. He’s not going to let anything or anybody stand in his way.


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61 comments

 

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Joshua Jacobs wrote 979 days ago

The strength of this piece is your premise. It sounds like a classic love story. Cameron is easy to relate to, even as a guy, and your readers are likely to feel like they've been in her shoes before. There's also a lot of passion between Mateo and Cameron that will appeal to the target audience.

Suggestions: Make sure you mix up some of your word choice. For example, in the opening paragraph you say "life" three times. Some of your sentences read a bit clunky at times. If you haven't already, I recommend reading your book aloud as it will help you catch any awkward sounding sentences. This begins with a bit of an infodump. I feel like it would be stronger if you dropped your reader right into the main conflict and provided this information as the story progressed.

Typos: The tense jumps around a lot. It jumped back and forth between present and past tense throughout the opening chapters, making it difficult to follow. Make sure you pick one tense and stick with it. "Fine-tuned" should be hyphenated since it's two words serving as a single adjective. You have a few fragment sentences that didn't work for me. For example, "The curves in his bulging arms perfect, not too big and yet not to small, his work shirt boasting his shapely masculine chest." You're missing a verb.

Right now you have the story, the premise, and the characters, but they're hiding beneath the issues with tense and the grammatical mistakes. With some editing this will be a much stronger product. If you make any changes, I'd love to come back and take a second look. Just send me a message.

On a side note, I'd consider breaking this into multiple chapters within authonomy. A casual reader might stumble upon this and think everything posted under chapter one is a single chapter. Best of luck with your book!

Wendy Proteau wrote 981 days ago

The story itself is solid and the premise of finding love with a language and cultural barrier is a unique one. I honestly haven’t read many that have this hurdle. It shows the young girls thoughts when looking at the man of her dreams well, something many will relate to. I would have liked to seen a bit more of the intimate moments build, but that is my preference. The pace is fast and sometimes it cuts thoughts a bit short where you could expand on what the character is feeling or thinking. I’d suggest taking a few repetitive and over used descriptions out, some are not as inventive as you could be. Also at times you tend to tell the reader repeatedly what is happening instead of showing them. Your writing is strong enough that you don't need to do this. I have sent you and email with some of examples of how to tighten things.

I’ve no doubt this is a personal experience and close to you somehow. The way it’s written suggests the emotion is from the heart. Once the edit is complete, it will do very well. I think the topic will draw many.

All my best,
Wendy
And When


RossClark1981 wrote 994 days ago

- Love Has No Borders -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

The premise of this, culture, language and migration is one that appealed to me a lot due to my personal and professional interests. I enjoyed the migration element a lot as I spend a lot of time reading textbooks on the subject and it was engaging to have it brought to life in fiction, in a way that matches up with a lot of my research. I could probably spin off a few theories of migration and intergenerational aspects that the book touches pon but then I'd only be entertaining myself and you wouldn't be able to hear me anyway, what with my head being so far up my own rear end.

Anyway....

I particularly liked the backstory method of bringing in immigration. Both the story of how Mateo got to the US and the bit about Sara and Jose's marriage contained some inredibly vivid images of the many different ways migration can affect not only the migrant but the people around them, both in the old country and the new.

I liked the language element too but I was wondering as I read what the criteria should be for introducing foreign words. For me, I think words like 'casa' and 'guittara' would probably be better of rendered in plain English as they are every day objects and I don't think having them in thr foreign language adds anything. Family titles, 'tio' for example, on the other hand work well in the foreign language because they give a greater sense of intimacy. Other than that, I personally tend to only use the foreign word if it is something for which the is no English equivalent or if it's in speech. That's just my opinion though.

I liked the drift of the narrative too, the way the present tense kind of let it flit from scene to scene. I thought this was espeially evident during the kissing scene in chapter one.

One thing I noted about the narrative that could do with some tweaking was the use of tenses. Using the present as the main tense means you have to watch out for which tenses you use to talk about the past. For example, the sentence:

"She had made her mind up that she is going to talk to him."

Because 'is going' is present, the main narrative tense, it doesn't really work to have the action preceding it in past perfect 'had made her mind up.' I think it would be more grammatically correct and a smoother read to use present perfect. So:

"She has made her mind up that she is going to talk to him."

When telling a backstory set before the time of the current narrative, I'd advise sticking to the past, rather than mixing in the present, As it can get a bit confusing for the reader otherwise.

Some nitpicks by chapter....

Chapter one
-'homesick' should be one word.
-I'd advise rephrasing the 'man of her dreams' and 'make any woman's legs turn to jell-o' parts as they are a bit cliched.

Chapter 2
-in terms of punctuation, "What change bud?" should be "What change, Bud?"
-'the States' should be capitalised.
-The comma needs to come inside the speech marks if the sentence doesn't end with speech. So "Oh boy," thinks Mateo to himself.

Chapter 3
-"Little did she know how much?" Should be no question mark here.

I hope that was of some use. As a writer, I'm a complete novice so I don't make any claims to knowing better than anyone else. So I hope my comments are taken in that context.

Very enjoyale read in any case.

All the best with it,

Ross







tree of life wrote 995 days ago

Love is a truly powerful source, and so is your book! :)

Intriguing Trails wrote 1013 days ago

Love has no Borders
Fiction - Romance 3rd person

I've read through Ch 1 and a portion of Ch 2 and will comment to that extent.

Pitch - Both short & long are good and inviting

Premise - A romance develops for a young woman who never expected to find the man of her dreams. But barriers are present because he doesn't even speak her language. Can they overcome?

Pacing - This story moves right along.

Plot - well developed and supported.

POV - 3rd person.

Characterization - Earthy and loose. The MC is believeable. The author uses pitch perfect voice for the character portrayed.

Mechanics - Here's the rub. The character is believable because of the improper use of language. But will this be accepted by a publisher? IMO, it might read better if more accepted word useage were employed. Also, it might be wise to reconsider past vs. present tense. I can personnally attest that present tense is terribly difficult to write and it is also difficult to read. IMO, because of the tendency to mix tenses, the MS would benefit from a revision to past tense.

Market - Romance is the biggest market in reading material. With the original story line, this book shows a lot of promise.

Overall - I think it needs some polish. While the idioms are convincing, they are also distracting. Anytime the style distracts the reader from the story, it needs rethinking. The plot is marvelous and the characters are well developed. The rest is just careful editing.

Raechel
Echo

CarolinaAl wrote 1080 days ago

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. An interesting main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'Except for a boyfriend that wasn't making her happy ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'that' for objects. Use 'who' for people. There are more cases where you use 'that' when 'who' is appropriate.
2) 'Cameron did the usual things that women do in their 20s.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers.
3) 'Because the first time she seen him it took ... ' 'Seen' should be 'saw.' There are more cases where 'seen' is used when 'saw' is appropriate.
4) 'Cameron works the graveyard shift, sometimes in the store till 8am.' '8am' should be '8 a.m.' or, better yet, 'eight a.m.'
5) " ... making you think that you are the only one." Sara told Cameron ... Comma after 'one.'
6) "Which means Mathew in English. Put a closing quote mark at the end of this dialogue sentence.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire."

Have a wonderful day.

Al

CMTStibbe wrote 1081 days ago

Love Has No Borders
By Leslie Gervais

Cameron is smitten, so would most of your readers by the description of the man she desires. I think you have delved into her infatuation so well, we can feel it and understand her desperation to see him again. Sarah’s background is skillfully told although if it were dialogue, I think it would sparkle. Sarah, a good friend, warns Cameron of possible heartache by her own experience. When Mateo finally arrives, Cameron is blessed to find a translator in the store and a breathtaking kiss later, they are in love. The time of their meeting to this intimate moment is very short. Perhaps Mateo, a romantic, has also been thinking of Cameron so much so that he must act on his desire. The fact that he is a first generation immigrant fills the reader with suspicion because the romance starts at their second meeting. The pace is the driver here. Its fast and the reader soars from chapter to chapter, longing to know what happens next. Starred and all the very best Leslie. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Neville wrote 1085 days ago

I’ve only read the first chapter but I can see the potential that your book offers the female reader.
The attraction to Mateo by Cameron...the Aztec Warrior...she’s took to him alright...can’t get him out of her head.
Such a good opening to your book, very nicely written. Well done!
There is as you suggest in your profile, a few errors in punctuation, here and there.
Saying that, the actual story comes across nicely, with a good voice to it.
I can see your book 'Love Has No Borders' being a winner myself. That’s my honest opinion as well.
Pleased to star rate it and best wishes with it.

Kind regards,

Neville. THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST – THE TIME ZONE.

Red2u wrote 1091 days ago

Really enjoyed the first chapter. Have rated and WL for further reading. Can i interest you in Illusions of Comfort?
Red

Almost_Lady_Onogoro wrote 1093 days ago

Love is real and happens (but not for me). Your book is a reminder to those who have lost hope that love is real and can happen. For those jammy devils who have love, your book puts into words the emotions they cannot always describe.
Wonderful.

Jay Adiyarath wrote 1101 days ago

Hi,

Takes me right back to Mills & Boons days. Not many writers dare to take up love stories of the real kind nowadays and to have such an intriguing plot is a definite plus for you. There is some editing and polishing to do before you catch the attention of an agent/publisher, but it's early days yet.
For now I have starred and backed it as well
all the best.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Valley Woman wrote 1101 days ago

I think your topic is intriguing, multicultural relationships and immigration. However, from what I've read thus far, I think you need to delete some of the cliche romance phrases, such as he took her breath away and he was the most handsome man Cameron had ever met. These are overused phrases that take away from the originality of your work. So I would take a fine tooth comb through chapter one especially and root out those cliches. It will be hard to land a deal with an agent and publisher otherwise.

Also stay away from Hispanic stereotypes too. I'm Hispanic and can spot these right away. The reference to Aztec god falls in the category by the way, unless Matteo is wearing a giant headress on his head that resembles part eagle part snake. Researching Mexican and Hispanic culture, reading Hispanic literature and reading up on current events with Hispanic immigrants etc will help you find an authentic voice here free of cliches and stereotypes. Seek out newspaper stories featuring immigrants and their plights.

I wish you the best with your novel. Like I mentioned earlier this is an intriguing premise for a book.

Patricia

celticwriter wrote 1102 days ago

Hi Leslie, firstly, thank you for backing LONDON.
I'm not a critic, I just know I love real love stories. I'm still praying that I can find my "living happily ever after" person.

blessings,
jim

silvachilla wrote 1103 days ago

Hi Leslie

Sorry it's taken a while, but here are my comments :). I'm not a techical critic, I just comment as a reader. I saw on your page that you're going to re-edit, so hopefully this will help but please feel free to ignore me!

Title is good, although I think it might read better as Love Knows No Borders. The cover, in my opinion, is a bit bland. I can't quite make out what it's supposed to be?

Your short pitch is OK, long pitch is good. I like the conflict between Cameron's romantic view and the possibility of Mateo's determination. Am expecting to hear POV's from both Cameron and Mateo.

CH1

Your opening scene works fine. We're introduced to Cameron, who isn't expecting anything out of the ordinary, but it's clear she's going to get it.

I don't know if this is deliberate dialogue, but 'well if you seen what I did you wouldn't have to ask which one.' To me, this would read better as 'well, if you saw'.

Sara's backstory is good. It's believeable too. However, it seems to slip into present tense, which is confusing. Advice that I've been given is to 'show not tell', and it's hard to do. Personally, I think the scene would work better with Sara telling Cameron about what happened. Sure, she's probably heard it before, but it would make it all come alive. For example, after your paragraph where Sara starts to warn her, she could say 'Everyone thought we were in love, but nothing is forever' - still keeping the words the same but telling rather than showing. Even if Cameron's heard it all before and even if she tells Sara so, it will reinforce the reader's perception that she's a die hard romantic, and even Sara's story isn't going to deter her. I hope that made sense?

One thing that comes through is a mix of your tenses - 'it was about ten after six that morning and he hadn't shown up yet. She had decided that he is a no show.' It should either be she decided that he was a no show, or she began to think he wouldn't show.

'People bustling in to grab a bit to eat or grab a cup of Joe' - You use 'grab' twice in quick succession. Could you substitute one of them for something else?

The pace is fine, but it felt a little bit stilted at times. For example, 'Pulling up under a giant oak tree he motions for them to get out. They get out, opening the back dropping the tailgate'. Your telling us what is happening, but it all feels a little mechanic. I think re-writing some of your sentences to flow a bit better will make this easier to read. For instance, After pulling up under a giant oak tree, Mateo turned off the engine and nervously smiled at Cameron before signalling that they'd arrived. (I don't know what a tailgate is so don't know how to re-write that).

To me, the time between them getting there and sharing their first kiss was too quick. Bearing in mind they've hardly spoken, because of the language barrier they can't, I would have liked to see a bit more. What exactly was Cameron thinking? Was she thinking of things she wanted to ask him, but couldn't because he wouldn't understand? Although there's obviously an instant attraction, would she really have done that so quickly?

I think your story is a good one. Bi-cultural relationships can be tough, especially when legal status is involved, so I think you have a good basis. However, I do think that it needs to be tightened up a bit as it will really pull the reader in.

I hope some of this has helped :)

Starred etc

Silva

Gauis wrote 1109 days ago

Hi,
Had a look thru chapter 1 -
My advice would be to get a few things clear from the start. Present or past tense? - then stick to it, or at least not change around so much
Also - rather than just tell me her life is in a rut - show me - let me see her getting p in her empty aptment, feeding the cat, opening the empty fridge, etc - so i get to know her and care about her before the guy comes in
- then when he does - a little description at a time would be good, rather than all at once.
The key is - if it's her story - let me get to know her first, (and for me just saaying her life is in a rut isn't enbough)
hope some of that helps
s

dee farrell wrote 1112 days ago

Leslie,
I saw your pitch and wanted to read more. My family is "bi-cultural" as we prefer to say and I wondered how the story would go.
I enjoyed the authenticity of your story. And when I got to tongue tacos, I thought, yeah baby- you been there!
Your plot is solid and your characters are believable. Looking forward to the finished product.

Best Wishes,
Dee Farrell
Warrior Heart

Margaret Anthony wrote 1113 days ago

This is a nice, straight forward read although Cameron's dilemma is far from simple and this makes for an interesting story.
You write in a easy flow although I did at times, stumble on mixed tenses. Perhaps deciding on one and sticking with it, would simplify things for the reader. Other than that, this book starts well and the pitch tells of much to come.
So, starred and on my shelf. Margaret.

Graham Keeler wrote 1116 days ago

Hi Leslie
I've looked at 'Love has no Borders' now, and am glad to back it.

I do have one comment. Why do you mix the tenses? I found it rather disconcerting to switch, seemingly at random, between past and present tense. I'd strongly recommend writing entirely in the past tense, which is much the smoothest style to read.
Regards
Graham

Bill Carrigan wrote 1119 days ago

Dear Leslie, Many thanks for your interest in my novel and for calling my attention to "Love Has No Borders." I was intrigued by your development of a love affair across the barrier of language, which I've also done IN 'The Doctor of Summitville." Your characters are strong and Cameron's experience is convincing. Most modern writers, though, would have shown the scenes rather than told them--my major criticism. For instance, you could use dialogue to show the conversation where you say, "They managed to talk some even though she only knew a little Spanish." But you draw us along with a compelling story and will gain skill as you pursue Cameron's adventure. I'll try to return soon to read more. Best of luck,

Bill Carrigan
THE DOCTOR OF sUMMITVILLE

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 1134 days ago

Leslie,
"Love Has No Borders" is an earthy sensual book touching on characters tossed about by love and jealousy. I empathized with Cameron trapped in a relationship going nowhere and welcomed Mateo's appearance with much relief. Your writing is tight and clear, sparse on dialogue and long on narrative which works out fine. What you might want to pay attention to are grammatical glitzes such as "venomly" instead of "venomously" in chapter three. Other than that it's an entertaining book that will shine once you've buffed it.Thanks for the great read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

curiousturtle wrote 1135 days ago

Leslie,

The jewel of this narrative is the psychological map of your central character; Cameron. The ebbs and flows as she goes about reconciling the attraction with the concern, the wishes with the pauses....

......the attention recorded of every detail that a crush creates...

......and the self consciousness that noticing too much...

......creates....

......and as this happens

......her grace shows.

2 Suggestions:

I think you might want to consider telling this story in the first person, that way the immediacy of her perceptions could be even more magnified

I would also consider transforming some of the "told" paragraphs into dialogue

again, to create more immediacy

Wonderful

David

Romilla wrote 1269 days ago

LOVE HAS NO BORDERS: LESLIE GERVAIS

Hi Leslie,
You probably chose a rather intriguing topic to wrote...intriguing because many girls like Cameron fall into a relationship with certain expectations and without the barrier of culture and race to warp their quest for the perfect love, and then find things are not running as planned. I find the story enrapturing - after all, the idea of finding the perfect love irregardless of race and culture, is always challenging.

In all, this is the kind of romance which will appeal to many young women and something I welcome.
Found some grammar errors but I am sure you will fix these little glitches.

Wish you the best Leslie! Hope you get a chance to peek into Forgetting Sally...:)

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

Neville wrote 1269 days ago

Hi Leslie, your short pitch contains (Ellie lived alone but that was her choice.)
This starts off your long pitch as well so it doesn’t need it twice.
Better to make everything count as regards the short pitch, this is the first thing that an Agent or Publisher will look at.
Ch 1 ….Ellie wondered if everyone looked like this at her age…. would it not be better to mention her age at this point?
….she plowed it in the early winter…. Spelling mistake should be PLOUGHED.
….ax…spelling mistake AXE.
You have a nice steady read here and it has strong voice to it.
The characters Ellie and Josiah come over very well and keep the story flowing.
It does however require some work, but I’m sure it will be worth your efforts. The storyline is doing so well.
I will come back to it at later date if you add to it.

All the best,

Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest –Series)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1276 days ago

Intriguing short pitch enhanced by the questions & the main submission did not disappoint either. A well written book with lots of descriptions & observations, light-hearted & good escapism. Wishing you every success - Paula Barrett (Cuthbert: How mean is my valley?)

Raymond Crane wrote 1279 days ago

You have me hooked on your pitch , it's exellent and I believe the rest of this novel will be equally attractive to a wide audience so I will back it and wish it well - hope you can have a look at my books - thanks !

stoatsnest wrote 1281 days ago

This is brilliant. Natural English and getting right into the mind of your PC. It's like picking up a coin of great value-perhaps an ancient Spanish coin of the Conquistadors. There, you've got me at it too.

nsllee wrote 1285 days ago

Hi Leslie

A very enjoyable story. I love straight-out romances and this is a great one because while being romantic, it's still believable and rooted in the real world. And I love all the detail you've put into the Mexican section. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Telegraph wrote 1285 days ago

A stunning piece that's unique and well crafted. C W

Eveleen wrote 1286 days ago

Love has no borders
Enjoyable to read, well written too
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

SingingOwl wrote 1288 days ago

VERY intriguing story idea. That said, there are just too many grammar problems for me to back this now. There are about ten in the first three paragraphs. Mixed tenses are the most obvious, but they are only the beginning of the problems. I am not trying to be mean, but a little polishing is one thing and constant errors are another. That said, get some help from an English-major friend, or lacking that, take a basic grammar course. I do think the story has genuine promise, and I've got you on my WL for now..

Eunice Attwood wrote 1289 days ago

Your narrative is great, and writing style easy, natural and flowing. Your characters are engaging and interact well. Happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

La Marmonie wrote 1289 days ago

Leslie,

You begin well and it promises to be an interesting story. You need to keep writing, and reading other published books in order to see how it is done. Please do not take anything I say as negative criticism.

Much of your story appears a little disorganised, which is distracting to the reader.

You use third as well as second person. It is better to use either, not both.

Your tenses are mixed. You should definately use either past or present tense when you are writing, not both.

This is apart from any editing error such as punctuation, and sentence construction.

It would be a good idea to get a book on Creative Writing, study it and use it to see how it is done.

Having a good story in your head is a good start. Writing it down is so much more difficult. All writers need help. Please keep writing. I can assure you it will improve.

It would do you no favours to back you at this point. However, I will put you on my watchlist, and continue to read your work.

Best wishes, and please keep writing.
Marilyn

KW wrote 1289 days ago

"She had never been kissed like that before." I think this line tells the story. Love conquers all until the other problems start to pile up. I'm enjoying this and will read more when I can. Backed for now.

Andrew Burans wrote 1289 days ago

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Cameron. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Pia wrote 1290 days ago

Leslie -

Love Has no Borders - He walks into the store one morning ... and Aztec warrior ... say no more ... you're devoted to loving. Most catching, and the narrative flows like a river. Editing, yes, but that's a small worry with such spirit.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

memphisgirl wrote 1290 days ago

Your vivid, detailed development of the character, Mateo, promises a rich story line. With only three sections posted, it's difficult to tell. You have a lot of advice in the comments here, sort of all over the road in their suggestions. Of course, it needs a good editing. However, please don't remove the Spanish words and references. I've read that same advice on others' works, and I cringe. Some people can't handle any other culture than their own, and I find that sad. Hemingway included the Italian words for bar and wine, and I think it's good policy to do as Hemingway did, since he's the master, after all. I appreciate your interwoven languages and your knowledge of the culture of which you write. I do have questions about the development of Cameron's character. I might sympathize with your female MC more if you started with a scene involving her boyfriend and her daughters (and your MC). We don't find out until after she meets Mateo that she has a drunk boyfriend who abuses her girls. This might serve well up front, so that, by the time she meets Mateo, we ache for that kiss that will release her from her past life . . . or help her escape for a little while. Good luck.

Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

Johanna Kern wrote 1373 days ago

Beautiful story, heartfelt and sensitive.

Although it still needs a bit of polishing (and this site is for that), yet -- your talent shines through!

I often remind writers that the proze/language can be polished, edited -- but the storytelling skill is a gift. And you have tons of it!

Backed with the utmost pleasure.

Johanna Kern
Master and the Green-Eyed Hope

Sharahzade wrote 1386 days ago

LOVE HAS NO BORDERS
Leslie Gervais

I certainly wish I could live in Mexico for a while. I love the food and the people are warm and fun loving.

I think you have a great beginning here if only you will be aware of the editing that needs to be done. Past tense mixed with present tense is confusing and there are some errors in the words you choose. For example, when Cameron tells Sara about the man who came into the store that morning, she says: "He was the most handsomest man I have ever met in my life." Of course, you don't need to say most since handsomest is the most. These are easy things to fix but as you progress with the rest of this story, if you are aware of the inclination to jump from present to past, it will help you later to fix it as you write.

Your characterization of the dark eyed man is excellent. I could really see him as you describe him and feel the admiration for his handsome appearance. Gotta love Hispanic Men. Some have a quality that is so romantic.

Thank you so much for backing my book, A King in Time. I am certainly willing to give you a return backing to help you along on your way to the Editor's Desk. Best of luck to you.

Mary Enck

Barnett wrote 1411 days ago

I love that you are writing a christian romance. Your sales pitch drew me in. I do have one suggestion. I think the story would sound better if you picked either past tense or present tense and stuck with it throughout your story. I've only read the first chapter so far, and I will write more when I read a few more chapters. Good Luck!--Tina
If you want, you can read my book Healing Love.

tyleradams wrote 1424 days ago

Leslie, this has the makings of a fine story. You draw the reader into the story by letting them see the heart of both Cameron and Mateo.

Here are a few things that may help you to make this an even better read:

1) Add translation to Spanish words - I found they broke the flow of the story because I'm American and only know one language (sigh). Perhaps better, if your target audience is English speaking, is to use only a very few carefully chosen Spanish words to set the scene, and then use English for everything else. Using too many, only proves to the more ignorant that you know more Spanish than they do.

2) Your description of Mateo's home life seemed way too lengthy. The first chapter ignites the spark of a romantic story, and while background information is important to the character's development, too much info can be another flow breaker. I found myself wanting to jump ahead to the meat of the romance. Unless some of what you wrote in that chapter has relevance to later in the story, I would be liberal with the ax.

3) There needs to be a comma after Mateo’s brother Pancho when you introduce him to the story. The way it reads, without the comma, indicates that Carlitos is Pancho’s son.

4) This is just a general statement, but it seems that you tend to over explain so many things – often using repetitive words and redundant statements. I’m sure that it’s not intentional on your part, but it almost comes across as if you see the reader as being too clueless to tie inferences together. It might help you to read this to yourself out loud and envision the dialogue as if you were having a conversation with your best friend, then simply remove the parts of sentences and paragraphs that you would have left unsaid in that conversation.

tyler (Almost Straight)

name falied moderation wrote 1425 days ago

Like myself Leslie, you have long paragraphs, well in the profile anyways. Beyond that you have a good writing skill that drew me into you story easily. I am a romantic so this was a good read for me. Well written and the flow is easy. The BEST of luck with this work. BACKED. if you could please take the time to read some of my work and comment I would appreciate it. thanks
Denise
'The Letter'

zan wrote 1427 days ago

Love Has No Borders
Leslie Gervais

Love your cover and your title. Cameron is a sympathetic MC and you tell her story well. There is always a market for a good romance novel. You present the conflict Cameron is experienceing very well - and she has to break it off with her boyfriend before she continues her relationship with Mateo - Mateo whose kisses make her feel like she's sharing an eternity when in fact it was only a second lost in time. I wonder how her boyfriend will take it though. Nice story so far and I'll have to come back and read some more as time permits. Happy to have given this a spin on my shelf.

Burgio wrote 1434 days ago

LOVE HAS NO BORDERS
With the dispute today in the U.S. over illegal aliens, this is a timely novel. You have a good main character in Amanda. She’s both likable and sympathetic because of her bad past experience with men. It’s easy to see why she falls for a man as handsome and charming as Mateo. His journey to the U.S. is interesting. Because they’re both good characters, I was drawn into wondering how all of this would turn out. Kept me reading to the end of what you have posted. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Awash wrote 1446 days ago

I wouldn't classify it as young adult, but your storyline is good. It still needs some edits (don't we all) like the sentence ... Cameron composes herself gaining her composure ... But I think once you get it all polished up, this good story will turn into a great book. Shelved.

Amanda
Chronicles of the Broken

D.C. Grace wrote 1448 days ago

This is beautifully written and a perfect romance story. A highly underused subject, to boot! My one thing I would really stress to you, however, is to change your genre. Since your characters are over 18, it isn't considered Young Adult by publishers - believe me - I checked a lot with my story! My original age for my male lead was over 18, and I had to bring it down to follow industry standards. If you look at the majority of publishing companies' standards, they say flat out - if you pitch it as YA and the characters aren't between the ages of 14 - 18, they'll stop reading then and there.
I would just hate to see such a beautifully sculpted story get slush piled because of that. It is indeed, a lovely piece.
Write On! :)
D.C. Grace
The Sacred Oath

missyfleming_22 wrote 1448 days ago

This is a lovely and uplifting story. You're a wonderful writer and I really got caught up in this love story. I can really relate to Cameron, I've been there! You make your characters come alive and make them believable. Well done with this, I'm looking forward to seeing more posted.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

yasmin esack wrote 1449 days ago

Very smooth and inspiring story told with feeling and depth. Quite enjoyable.
best

A Knight wrote 1449 days ago

A stunning piece, told with such evocative, beautiful prose that I was left breathless. This is a strong romantic concept, and very current as our global horizons expand and great distances become smaller due to modern technology.

Wonderfully done!

Abi xxx

mikegilli wrote 1449 days ago

Beautifully written, I take it something similar happened to you?
I've known people in this situation, you can't know for sure but
have to hope for the best, I'm curious to know how things work out for Cameron
and Mateo. Suggestions? I would include just a few repeating Spanish words or phrases,
, for seasoning, and maybe add a few little hooks to heighten the suspense.
Shelved with congratulations. Nice to see an anti racist view.
mikegilli The Free

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 1450 days ago

Romantic concept, not knowing if you are really loved for yourself or being used. I enjoy your short pitch. It makes the reader want to know more. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

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