Book Jacket

 

rank 5920
word count 17105
date submitted 06.05.2010
date updated 02.03.2014
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy, Young Ad...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Hybrid

K.A. Wilson

After being suddenly pulled into the world of Dianthia, Nina just wants to get home. Unfortunatly she is limited to two choices, fight, or die.

 

Nina's depressed. Her boyfriend Taylor went missing a year ago today, and coming to the place they held so dear hasn't done anything to improve her mood. Little does she realise that by coming here her life will change forever.

Pulled into the world of Dianthia, Nina finds herself in the Kingdom of the Elves. She's just relieved a familiar face from the past is here with her and that everybody's so kind.

Things don't stay peachy for long though. First the person she trusts the most betrays her, and then she finds out the elves are about to get into one hell of a war.

They're under the impression that Nina has the potential to become the most powerful Mage their world has ever seen. If that wasn't crazy enough, these elves think she alone has the power to bring down the opposistion!

It's a world where everything you thought was myth and folklore exists. Getting here was easy, it's surviving thats going to be the tricky part.......

 
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tags

demons, dwarfs, elves, gods, hybrid, mage, magic, shaman, supernatural, vampires, war, warlock, witchcraft

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32 comments

 

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lynn clayton wrote 1474 days ago

You've created an extremely visual effect, even describing the gold peacock feathers on the duvet. The opening, which in fact turns out to be a dream, is beautifully described. It's very eerie, though. The shower coming on by itself, the water of the stream, they're delicate touches but all the more creepy for that. The grief for Taylor and the friendship for Keli are convincing. (At one point you spell her name 'Kelly' - 'between my bed and Kelly's...' ) Excellent. Backed. Lynn

missyfleming_22 wrote 1540 days ago

What a brilliant imagination you have! I'm very impressed by this, the descriptions and the writing are top notch. You've created a very believable world and it held my attention. I think you've got a great main character in Nina, she's interesting and engaging. I was invested in her journey. Great job with this.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

zan wrote 1537 days ago

Hybrid
K.A. Wilson

I like how you portray the depressed Nina with her need to acquire survival skills in this alternative world alive with elves, every possible myth and folklore (in your long pitch you spell folklore as "folklaw" - intentional? - not sure.) This is powerful stuff and it potentially has the makings of one of those enduringly popular novels. Very happy to have backed this, no doubt.

Andrew Burans wrote 1474 days ago

I like the way in which you open with a dream sequence and then build from there. I also like your use of the first person narrative - it let's you explore a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions. Your use of short paragraphs, this keeps the pace of your story flowing well, and your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

lizjrnm wrote 1543 days ago

This is amazing writing! For someone who is so young an dnever written befoe you have a natural talent and ability! You were also blessed with quite an imagination. You will do well here and young adults will devour this book. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Paul Toth wrote 147 days ago

I think you definitely have some interesting things going on here. The notion of having being from folklore intersect with the lives of college students has a lot of potential from both comedic and dramatic points of view. I also really like the combination of tension and playful cameraderie between Nina and Taylor.

Some suggestions:

Prologue

- Use of "aphrodisiac" doesn't seems like a good fit, because it's paired with childhood memories,
which strikes me as incongruous, since aphrodisiac generally has more erotic connotations.

-In the third paragraph, "he" is used a lot, but it's not at all clear who "he" is. I think it's
better to introduce a character - by description or name - before referencing by pronoun.

-There are some places where you're using past perfect ("had") when it seems like you could be
using past tense instead, which would provide a better sense of immediacy.

Example: "The sunlight _had_ caught the golden flecks that ran through his haphazard lgiht brown
hair. It _had_ made her want to stroke her hands through it."

Vs.

"The sunlight caught the golden flecks that ran through his haphazard lgiht brown
hair. It made her want to stroke her hands through it."

See how the second version has more "punch?" Sometimes it's necessary to use past perfect, but
IMO it should otherwise be avoided.

Chapter 1

-In some places, it feels like the POV shifts a lot, which can be confusing/distracting.

Example: "[1] Kelly let out another sigh, though this time its tone had changed from sadness to
impatience.[2] She closed her eyes briefly and took a moment so that she didn't snap back. [3] Kneeling
down beside the bed, Nina took the moment to actually look at her properly for the first time in
the last year"

Sentence [1] could be in either character's point-of-view, or an omnisient point of view.

Sentence [2] seems to be in Kelley's point of view (a motive is ascribed to her, so we're in
her head.

Sentence [3] seems to be in Nina's point of view.

I think it's better to maintain consistent point of view within a scene, and this is something
most modern pros do.

Scott Toney wrote 646 days ago

Very cool artwork on your cover!

D.J.Milne wrote 754 days ago


Hi K A
I have just read the first 4 chapters and liked the character of Nina and her move from her depressed state after Taylor's death to going with him into a land of myth and legend. You are a very descriptive writer with a lovely eye for detail. It will be interesting to follow Nina's rise to become a great warrior leader when you add more.
Good Luck
D.J.
the Ghost Shirt

DesiS. wrote 1241 days ago

Initially the story got off to a slow start but as I kept reading the story pulled me in and I loved it. I also think your cover art is really cool! I would love nothing more than to be able to read some more of this story. Some suggestions: Chapter one- "Much better than you sat (sitting?) in this room alone drinking nasty cider till you pass out." Chapter two- "For Gods sake I just watched to (you?) appear out of water, which is impossible!" Chapter 4- "And the moment I caught your sent (scent?), you...." Hope this is helpful. Thanks again. Desi.

Strayer wrote 1396 days ago

You cobbled together an unusual combination of genres and did it well. This reads easily. It was a lot of fun to read and sci fi readers will love it.

Francene Stanley wrote 1397 days ago

This is lovely. I really feel as if I'm inside the mind of a young woman. The conversation is excellent, and I like the way she describes herself when she gets out of the shower. I love her for her admiration of her friend. It shows a generous spirit.

I'll back your book, knowing that you're willing to learn. You've created a good story and, at the end of chapter 1, the reader will want to find out what the next weird thing that happened.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

drachat wrote 1397 days ago

Great beginning and incredible imagery. Your writing is clear and concise and polished. Not much else to add to other people's assessments.

Worthy of my backing
Denise

Would you mind taking a peek at "Road to Redemption: From Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon?"

A Knight wrote 1471 days ago

Wonderfully visual writing is present throughout this piece, giving the reader a real sense of both the scene and the characters. You've done a brilliant job of polishing this, and Nina's an intriguing and engaging character to follow.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Lockjaw Lipssealed wrote 1472 days ago

This is simply good writing!

Lockjaw

lynn clayton wrote 1474 days ago

You've created an extremely visual effect, even describing the gold peacock feathers on the duvet. The opening, which in fact turns out to be a dream, is beautifully described. It's very eerie, though. The shower coming on by itself, the water of the stream, they're delicate touches but all the more creepy for that. The grief for Taylor and the friendship for Keli are convincing. (At one point you spell her name 'Kelly' - 'between my bed and Kelly's...' ) Excellent. Backed. Lynn

Andrew Burans wrote 1474 days ago

I like the way in which you open with a dream sequence and then build from there. I also like your use of the first person narrative - it let's you explore a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions. Your use of short paragraphs, this keeps the pace of your story flowing well, and your descriptive writing makes your fantasy a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

scorselo wrote 1474 days ago

Nice world you've created,

Backed

Scorselo

Jim Darcy wrote 1474 days ago

This has the makings of a very interesting read. The opening dream sequence you may have to be careful of, some agents don't like them. Also, your typeface seems to change every now and then!
Other than a few typos this is an involving story with a lot going for it.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Colin Normanshaw wrote 1534 days ago

This is not my genre, but is nicely written. Backed. Colin

klouholmes wrote 1534 days ago

Hi K. A., The detail is very colorful and they melt into the scene. I liked how Nina is afraid she’s going crazy. Her vivid “episodes” turning into the entrance at the meadow had that jagged dream feeling. The sentence “Oh what a relief. I’m not crazy!” had such an acceptance of the change that I had to wonder if she didn’t already know of that world? Taylor’s having disappeared there was quite a draw in! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

mongoose wrote 1536 days ago

I'm short on time today so have only read your first chapter. For a first novel, it's pretty damn good, IMHO. I love the set-up, the premise and your MC feels very real. I detected a real Sookie feel about her and then, ta-da, looked at your profile and the Charlaine Harris books are there amongst your faves.
There are a few places where your sentence structure is clunky and that makes for an uneasy read. For eg, the line, 'I hadn't actually turned to check...' right at the beginning and, later on, 'as what she actually meant'. Try reading your work out aloud - you'll soon see where things snag.
Apostrophes are a bit of a fetish of mine and I caught a nasty abuse - 'its tone' not 'it's tone'. The apostrophe signals a missing letter ie it is contracts to it's. When it's the possessive (ie its hair or, indeed, its tone, then you leave out the apostrophe).
Tidy this up and I think you've got the makings of a cracker.
Backed.

zan wrote 1537 days ago

Hybrid
K.A. Wilson

I like how you portray the depressed Nina with her need to acquire survival skills in this alternative world alive with elves, every possible myth and folklore (in your long pitch you spell folklore as "folklaw" - intentional? - not sure.) This is powerful stuff and it potentially has the makings of one of those enduringly popular novels. Very happy to have backed this, no doubt.

missyfleming_22 wrote 1540 days ago

What a brilliant imagination you have! I'm very impressed by this, the descriptions and the writing are top notch. You've created a very believable world and it held my attention. I think you've got a great main character in Nina, she's interesting and engaging. I was invested in her journey. Great job with this.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Abigail Parish wrote 1541 days ago

Very promising first chapter.

You have a very descriptive but easy to follow style of writing. The dialogue is very good too.
I personally would delete the words, ‘The sad thing was’ because the rest of the paragraph is far more evocative without them.
Good luck.
Abigail Parish
Out In The Open

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 1541 days ago

Strong theme - which world will Nina belong? BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Burgio wrote 1543 days ago

HYBRID
Wow. What an imaginative story. You have a good main character in Nina. She’s bright and likable and becomes sympathetic as she’s suddenly confronted by this less than nice new world. The mark of the story is the detail you bring to this; you’ve obviously lived in this world for a long time before you wrote this in order to be able to describe it so clearly. Makes it a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

AuthorTom wrote 1543 days ago

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

yasmin esack wrote 1543 days ago

Dear Author
Your book inspires and threads a fine path. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is unique and offers up a treat. It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn. Beyond 2012.

Mr. Nom de Plume wrote 1543 days ago

Nina displays a wonderful sense of descriptive prose in relating her dream to readers. The storyline develops well and from the pitch the plot seems very interesting. The "cherry pick" feature of the site allows comments to be highlighted as presented in FAQ on home page. Good luck. Backed with pleasure. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

eloraine wrote 1543 days ago

There is a huge market for this kind of book and those that love it like I do read everything they can get there hands on and this is good. Backed with pleasure E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1543 days ago

I don't know how much room there is in the dwarves/ elves market these days but you certainly should win a place in it. Captivating read, well done. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

sjbal wrote 1543 days ago

Hi Katie,
You clearly have a good imagination and have put to use very well. Your characters are really enjoyable to read and your descriptions are well detailed. All in all a very good start and deserving of shelf space.
Good luck,
James (The Lyceta Legacy).

E A M Harris wrote 1543 days ago

An interesting start and I like your main character. I wish you luck.
Backed.

Elaine
(Long Lying Below)

RCBowman wrote 1543 days ago

This is very imaginative and well-written. It's engaging, and your main character is highly sympathetic. Well done.

lizjrnm wrote 1543 days ago

This is amazing writing! For someone who is so young an dnever written befoe you have a natural talent and ability! You were also blessed with quite an imagination. You will do well here and young adults will devour this book. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

SusieGulick wrote 1544 days ago

Dear K.A., I love "dazzling bright blue eyes. They must be contacts," which descibes them vividly. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help yours & mine move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

soutexmex wrote 1544 days ago

Welcome aboard, Chris. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'll be your inaugural comment. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. With the long pitch, end it with one succinct question to pique interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

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