Mind Games

Hi Christy, the story line is intriguing and i will come back to read further, but i too agree for the need to spell check your work, as the typo's break my reading and stop the flow. Good luck!

Pairofkings

Hello Christy, You have a good story line here, but I feel that it could do with a further edit: e.g. POV issues, a few typos and a general tightening up and it could be a good story which people will read and enjoy.
Best wishes to you.

Phyllis
PAPER DREAMS & A PASSING STORM

Have to agree with previous comments re the opening prologue. It needs to be focused more for the reader, as they know nothing about what you have as an overall picture, so they need to be guided more. The writing is good, but think about reworking the start so as to give it more direction. Maybe find someone to critique it (not family) someone whose opinion you trust, mainly as a fresh set of eyes will pick up things you've become word-blind to.

Read & backed, but would like to see more when it's completed and re-edited

Hello Christy. I've just enjoyed the first chapter. I'm hoping that as I read more I'll be able to keep all the stray elements organized. There seems to be several subplots building at the same time, and I'm interested in seeing how it all comes together. I saw several spelling and a few grammar errors, but the story is intriguing. You did a great job showing Anthony's mental illness.
Sharon Cooper
Seka

Hi Christy, I enjoyed this and yes, there are lots of spelling mistakes.

I thought the four guys entering the room was okay. They were prisoners. It was intriguing for later. You are not writing from the POV of the soldiers, so no need to go inside their head(s) as Mark suggests (IMO).

I'd separate your dialogues consistently and your use of I have and I've, you have, you've (I prefer the latter for informal speech).

I liked the reference to flowers and death -- moody and evocative. Well done.

Switch on the spell check!
Backed,
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Hi Christy, I enjoyed this and yes, there are lots of spelling mistakes.

I thought the four guys entering the room was okay. They were prisoners. It was intriguing for later. You are not writing from the POV of the soldiers, so no need to go inside their head(s) as Mark suggests (IMO).

I'd separate your dialogues consistently and your use of I have and I've, you have, you've (I prefer the latter for informal speech).

I liked the reference to flowers and death -- moody and evocative. Well done.

Switch on the spell check!
Backed,
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Cristy, I'm sure you'd prefer a honest crit, and why no one else has seen these, well ... I'm shocked.

You start off your prologue with the point of view of four characters when you tell us they all thought they were in a room. Chose just one of those characters and let us know what’s happening through him/her.

When they come to a stand-still, you tell us they come to a still stand. You also spelled “Bastard as basted” Also here, you write … “fell to the floor to the floor.”

I have read your bio and feel you should have a friend look at this, if they read it to you, you may spot any mistakes you've made. I'll keep it on my WL so that when you’ve cleaned it up, you can give me a shout and I’ll take another look at it, if you’d like me to, that is.

Mark.

Not only is this good I think it is very cleverly written. You have captured the characters perfectly for me. Dusting for fingerprint made me smile, obvious really but it is that sort of detail that makes this (to me) special. – Good luck.

I love the details that reveal deeper traits of your characters. You don't just tell us what they feel, but why they feel this. Beautiful and moving.
Ellen (Thoughts of a Teenage Girl)

Very intriguing set-up. You switch back and forth between scenes with ease. I never felt I was getting lost when the scene changed, which is quite remarkable.

tyler (Almost Straight)

The writing is very focused here and the roads are set for the rest of the novel. Vivid imagery and solid characterisation makes this an entertaining read. look forward to the rest of it.

a well set out story, written with great care; should read more...on watchlist
su dan...read SEASONS...

Cristy
I watchlisted this on the pitch alone. I got a little pulled out of the story by a few typos and some details which didn't quite fit, like the Italian music coming from a Greek car, counsel, etc. Needs a bit of work but backed.

Paula L (Rollover)

I don't see where u see the problem with Italian music. Italian music is very popular in Greece.

Cristy
I watchlisted this on the pitch alone. I got a little pulled out of the story by a few typos and some details which didn't quite fit, like the Italian music coming from a Greek car, counsel, etc. Needs a bit of work but backed.

Paula L (Rollover)

Hi Cristy
A fantastic start to a novel. You develop your characters beautifully and set the scene well. There are lots of things going on at once but you write so well the reader is not confused. Loads of questions unanswered and loads of suspense. Certainly my kind of book,
DP Walker
Five Dares

Wonderful ideas. Backed with pleasure. Kane (The Alchemsts' Cookbook)

Cristy, your work definitely has potential. You may need to brush up on the phrasing of a few sentences, but a keen editor can easily fix that.

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

A very intriguing and well thought-out premise tying many strings together. This is a finely crafted, well paced and well written piece of work. Your use of imagery is excellent and your character development is superb - especially that of Anthony as you drill down into his physci. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

A sincerely plotted novel, with characters in three different locales gearing up for their stories to collide. I like the pacing, how the story goes between these settings, seeming to build pace while the reader is slowly clued in. I jotted down a few things in the first chapter. In the second paragraph, you have "fresh" followed closely by "afresh." I'd change one of those. You have "Anthony trudged to the couch. Politely smiling at his wife, he sat down beside her." I picture trudging as someone plodding along, sort of dragging his feet. Hard to imagine his dragging his feet while he "politely" smiled. Maybe he had a tight little smile, or he didn't trudge? I found the change from Anthony's POV to May's to be pretty abrupt. It sort of jarred me; maybe you could ease into it with a sentence or two? In chapter two, I wrote down this: "It had been clear from the beginning that his mother was not going to recover from the cancer. Although he knew that his mother was dying, the news had still come as a shock." I think I'd redo this to one sentence. Although his mother's cancer was terminal, her death still came as a total shock. Something like that--the other way is a bit convoluted.

Otherwise, I thought that the story idea was first-rate and very intriguing. Some editing still needed but a good job started. I really enjoyed this.
---Mary
The Qualities of Wood

Hi Cristy, Fascinating, your characterization of Anthony and his paranoia. And the man cutting off electricity in his house. The other characters presented are concise and tease as to their connection and concerning the virus cancer cure. The vignettes make an enticing start to the premise's puzzle. Unusual! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

I have to say, I’ve read your pitch but when I start reading I don’t really understand what’s going on here. Is Anthony’s marriage an illusion? Is he really in the mental institute? One reason for my confusion is that your pitch tells us he IS living in a mental institute, and it is reasonable to expect the story to start there. Perhaps you need to change your pitch. Another reason is the opening is from May’s POV, although this changes to Anthony’s within paragraphs. Soon after that it shifts back to May’s. If you clarify this confusion though, you could have a terrific book on your hands, as the pitch promises an exciting and thrilling read.
A couple of suggestions:
You need to write ‘forties’ in the opening paragraph.
Also, I find the speech marks for the voices are a bit clumsy. I presume you’re trying to differentiate them from thoughts, but it looks odd on the page with the italics.
All the very best with this.

Mind Games
Cristy DeLange

Cristy,
Your short pitch was more than effective in getting me interested in this piece - "Anthony Baker lives in a mental institute. One day he is offered a deal; take part in an experiment and be free again." Who wouldn't accept this offer? I think you have a very good storyline and I was happy to dip into this. Your opening chapter held my interest and I enjoyed your various settings - New Bridge, Los Angeles, Amsterdam. Nice mix of characters - although I must say I mistrusted the doctor's advice regarding Anika's tumor behind her left eye - force of habit I suppose. This is well written with credible characters and a clever plot to stimulate, excite and engage the reader on many levels. Best of luck in finding a publisher.
Zan

hullo Cristy. Very good in that you separate each charecter, event, action then draw them all together. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

hullo Cristy. Very good in that you separate each charecter, event, action then draw them all together. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

hullo Cristy. Very good in that you separate each charecter, event, action then draw them all together. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

hullo Cristy. Very good in that you separate each charecter, event, action then draw them all together. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

hullo Cristy. You have done well separating your charecters, locations, and events and then hooking each into the next. very good. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

MIND Games: Wow! You certainly know how to set up a story! Every chapter has a new snippet of information that keeps the readers on the edge of their seats. I love Anthony's creepy voices. I also like Anika. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

I liked reading this and I shall, indeed, be returning. Good writing and great skill and of course, a good story line.

Backed

Brendan Doherty
The Russian Hat

Something you would want to see on CSI or Law and Order. Very enjoyable.

NJ Capaldi
Crescent Heart

This has the makings of a very good film and an even better book. Strong plot, strong writing and strong characters. I like to read as much as I can in a week while it sits on my shelf. Therefore, you can rest assured that you are backed...with pleasure.

Pete

The premise of Mind Games is what made me want to read this.. and I am certainly not disappointed by the story so far.. I like that there are different threads going on which I know will converge at some point, and Anthony is thoroughly fascinating as he battles his illness... I can't wait to read more to find out how it all comes together.. Good stuff! Backed and best wishes
Diane
Good Blood

At first, I was confused by the introduction of so many characters...but then, everything started to gel, and I was caught in the story, which is multi-layered, complicated, but well exposed and clearly written, with believable characters and careful descriptions of locations and states of mind. I like the fact that our protagonist turns out to be a female detective, that we know how she feels, and that the premise is so original and different. Very well done, and backed :)

MIND GAMES
This is a good story. The premise is great: a murder; someone stealing a new drug; people volunteering to be research subjects . . . You have a good character in Sarah; she’s likable and very sympathetic because she’s suddenly personally involved in this drama. Your writing style works well for this: brief and clear and easy to read. I’m adding this to my shelf. (A small thing: I have trouble telling what is on the cover; I thought it would be a guinea pig but it looks like it has a peak). Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I really enjoyed this. The beginning is done just right and I liked that Anthony was introduced to us from his POV rather than May's. It has a better impact and we quickly get to know him and his state of mind. The introduction of the other important characters simultaneously, back and forth is also very effective.
Your writing is smart, precise and fluid.
Backed earlier and glad to read on.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Hello Christy. You certainly have an intricate plot here. Your writing is good and the characters are well portrayed. Best of luck! mariecapri (Cosmic Linx)

There's a lot going on here. The section with Anthony in Chapter one come through the clearest, you did a great job of description there. In his mind we saw his paranoia, the way there were voices in his head. You head-hopped in the same scene to his wife, but it worked in the story so the flow would remain. It was strange to switch to the different scenes, Los Angeles, Amsterdam, three weeks later. You need to make the scene changes more definite, marked by asterix or something. Otherwise I want to cling to the previous section. There is some strong writing here, as you try to intrigue us. Thanks for the read and good luck!

I agree with your other readers that this is a captivating premise, though you haven't shown us exactly how you plan to work it yet, either in your uploaded chapters or your pitch. This isn't a criticism, as the pitch is stronger for not giving too much away. I was hooked into the read by your descriptions of Anthony 's actions around the house. I had a friend who suffered mental problems of another type--psychological adjustments to the frustrations brought on by a small stroke's debilhitating effects. The behaviors that bothered May--Anthony's insistence on performing household tasks solo and inadequately, the difficulty sleeping and wandering around the house at night, the genesis in the difficuties being brought on by a parents death--are all things I witnessed, so I credit you with a very credible portrayal. Happy to back this very promising story.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

Good foreshadowings, attention-grabbing. Like the premise.
Lee Ann
Slightly Dented Halos

You know, I thoroughly enjoyed your premise - it certainly promises some excellent thrills and mystery. I also enjoyed your prose. Anika is a great character and you write with such an effortless demeanor it's like you didn't have to work hard to get this great story on the page - which I'm sire you did. That's the skill of a great writer. Well done.
Carl
The Time hunters

It takes skill to write a story like this. I like what I've read so far, and wish you the best of luck with it. Shelved with pleasure.

Amy
Love Match

You do have a few spelling errors to sort out, especially in your long pitch which is what people, including agents, tend to look at first, so you want to make this as neat as possible. I think you set up the divergent positions of Anthony and May very well. In comparisons the rest of chapter 1 seemed very choppy and rushed. For instance, the doctor really needs a name to make her more 'real'. Just a thought.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Dear Christy,
I've always liked this kind of story--divergent characters hone in to a meeting point. You are setting this us with great skill.
Best of luck. I see shades of Dean Koontz here. Enjoy yourself here. I've backed this.
Caroline
KC Hart
Summer Rose

Imaginative and I think you will do very well here, good luck. Backed E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

`This is a complex plot with so much going on yet you are able to build it up gradually and structure it well. The characters come to life and the reader has empathy for Antony at an early stage. I am glad at the start that there is hope for Anika. I am still learning about grammar and editing so will leave that to the experst but so far a promising book.

Backed,

Lisa

I liked the way you were able to show May as taking everything within her marriage as normal while, through the italicised thoughts of Anthony we see a different picture.
We can partly understand Anthony's doubts about her after the trauma of losing his father has effected him, and you go on to draw him and May very believably through crisp and realistic dialogue.
Then we see may's puzzlement over her husband's growing indifference to her, as May speaks frankky to her neighbour and in the neighbours responses and Anika's dialogue with the dioctor, I felt I could see that you have a talent for delineating characters through their individual ways of speaking.

Shelved.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

I know there are mistakes in the pitch, but I had only 25 words to write the pitch, what can you do? Call it creative spelling.

Excellent premise. It gripped me right from the start. Vivid descriptions made this incredibly believable, and this was supported by some excellent, strong and believable characterisation. You do a wonderful job of subtly building the tension and creating empathy.

Fantastic work.
Abi xxx

Backed with confidence! Tom Ryerson (Carnal Wreckage)

Dear , I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book 24 days ago, I will put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do gives your book points & the other person's book. :)