Book Jacket

 

rank 5909
word count 30126
date submitted 11.05.2010
date updated 07.04.2011
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Romance,...
classification: moderate
incomplete

Cries of Shadows: Purge

John G Busia

Sairis knows little of the human world, the Princess Lareen knows even less, but together they will teach each other...

 

Five years ago young Sairis, appeared suddenly in the village of Cabotis and was taken in by the elder. The villagers thought him to be an odd boy, with hair darker than the night shadows and his empty dark blue eyes. He seemed empathic to all around him and didn't understand things that most children of his age should know. Basic things like the difference between a dog and a wolf, and what a horse was. Despite this, he was rather capable. Sairis could run faster, jump higher, and was far stronger than many in the village. He could handle chores most thought were to difficult for children. When he was not doing chores he spent much of his time in his room practicing with a sword he'd been found with.

The villagers came to care for the lad and all took a hand in raising him as one of their own, that is until a group bandits suddenly appeared on the village's boarders and young fifteen-year-old Sairis stepped forward to face them, and the villagers for the first time saw him for what he truly was...

 
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adventure, fantasy, fiction, romance, violence

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18 comments

 

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DesiS. wrote 1096 days ago

This story got off to a bit of a slow start, but by Chapter 14 I was hooked! You give the back story in your pitch but perhaps some of it needs to be in the story. There also is numerous errors in the writing. Some of which are as follows. Chapter 3- "When I prey I sometimes feel like I can hear their battle cries and the banging of their swords as if there (they're?) still fighting..." and "This was is nothing but a foolish feud between two man (men?) hungry for power..." Chapter 4- "They're not going to attack us, they're going to harass us, until they're (their?) reinforcements arrive." and "Name your reward and it shell (shall?) be given." and "but he hated it when Lereen told him he'd have a good view of the raising (rising?) sun." Chapter 5- "It is a standard tactic of there's (theirs?)" and "The men quickly lined up in formation (one word) and..." and "...before they fell victim to the creatures (creature's?) blade." Chapter 6- "I am while (well?) aware of what he is..." and "Sir Tovis accepted his lord (lord's) wishes, though he did (not?) agree with it." Chapter 7- "Those who say there (they're?) misguided and lost..." and "One night they followed her and found out that she was meeting with a young man of shorts (sorts?) and "He once old me that battle and blood were (what?) his people needed to satisfy them." and "When Lareen and veronica (needs capitalization)reached him Lareen..." Chapter 8- "... ready to drew (draw?) it at he (the?) first sign of the enemy." Chapter 12- "...but his eye bore a tense expression we'd never seem (seen?) him bear before..." and "...I think (we?) just entered a hornets nest." and "I know you'll be fine, I talking to the princess." Hope this is helpful. Best of luck to you. Desi.

Sue50 wrote 1373 days ago

Chapter 1 has very vivid description. I compliment you on that. I did however, find minor editing errors. For example: (the axe was flung its owners hand). Also, the sentence with...His eyes fill with such fear.....(verb tense). You have set the tone and I want to read more. Backed.
Sue50

Owen Quinn wrote 1375 days ago

Super cover by the way, really eye catching

Owen Quinn wrote 1375 days ago

Cracking start with a great pitch which touhes on the universal theme that you never really know anyone and that kindness can sometimes bite you in the ass. Very visual, written very fluidly in a sharp prose. very good indeed.

mariecapri wrote 1377 days ago

Hi John. You have an interesting concept to your story. Sairis's character is intriguing. The description of his encounter with the bandits was well voiced. In your pitch maybe place 'a' before horse or (dog, wolf and a horse.) Also, rising may read better as raising. This is a great tale and I wish you the best of luck with it! Maria (Cosmic Linx)

lynn clayton wrote 1379 days ago

A lesson for all fantasy writers on how to start a book. It's not narrative it's prose and reminds me of a classical epic. Nothing to criticise, everything to praise, except a stray comma in the line, 'Hendaves looked at the villager and shook his head.' Also in the pitch you have 'rising' instead of 'raising'.
Brilliant. backed. lynn

Famlavan wrote 1379 days ago

Like your pitches especially the long one!
I think the opening to this is extremely good; it kind of opens up the question by diminishing one does that diminish the other and of course increasing one... – Clever set up!
Think the opening chapter with Sailis especially the description of him is very good; to me it set the story in time and place. I have read up to meeting the princess and think you have a great book developing here. – Good luck!

ccb1 wrote 1380 days ago

We placed Cries of the Shadows on our watchlist to read. Decided we must find out what the villagers discovered about Sairis. Hope you will check-out our paranomal thriller, Dark Side.
CC Brwon

Emma Philips wrote 1380 days ago

This is a great story but your use of "of" : around the age of fifteen (maybe around 15 years old or so):

- a blade three fingers in width...
(try a three-finger wide blade) and the sentence that follows this is a big confusing; check punctuation here
-too many adjectives tend to slow it a bit. Watch out for too much "telling" and not "showing":
- "in his left hand was a bright ball of light"...this sounds very passive. An active sentence would keep the pace
(he was holding a bright ball of light...)

This is a great read but it needs a few touches here and there. Good luck. Backed with pleasure

Emma Philips
The Dark Intruder

Eveleen wrote 1381 days ago

Cries for shadows.
Love the pitch, backed.
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

soutexmex wrote 1381 days ago

Welcome aboard, John. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. Both pitches work. Have you thought of ending the long pitch with a question to compel the reader to turn pages? Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

KW wrote 1382 days ago

Sairis appears pretty amazing. He was one cool dude who can use a sword with superb skill. Too bad he cannot return to the village and had to leave Rana. I have a feeling he will meet up with her again. Of course, he meets Veronica and Lareen. He's got something going on in the shadows. I'll be back to read more when I get a little more time. This one very intriguing fantasy.

Burgio wrote 1382 days ago

CRIES OF SHADOWS
This is a good story. I like the way it’s narrated by Life and Death; gives it an extra depth it wouldn’t have otherwise. The beginning chapter is certainly exciting with Sairis mowing down everyone in sight. Alerts a reader he isn’t a regular guy; following him through this story is going to turn up all sorts of interesting situations. And make this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

yasmin esack wrote 1382 days ago

John

I enjoyed reading your novel. You provided a number of vivid imaginative scenes and set the pace well. It would have been nice to come over some dialogue sooner, i thought, but that's not a major issue.

backed
THE THIRD SIGHT

JohnGB wrote 1383 days ago

Five years ago young Sairis, appeared suddenly in the village of Cabotis and was taken in by the elder. The villagers thought [him] to be an odd boy, with hair darker than the night shadows and his an empty dark blue eyes. He seemed empathic to all around [him, but] didn't [seem] to understand things that most children of his age should know. [Basic things like] the difference between a dog and wolf, and what horse was.

However, despite this, he was rather capable. [Sairis] could run faster, jump higher, and was far stronger than many in the village. [He] could handle chores most thought were to difficult for children. When he was not doing chores he spent much of his time in his room [practising] with a sword he'd been found with. However, odd or not, the villagers came to care for the [lad] and all took a hand in rising him as one of their own, that is until a group bandits suddenly appeared on the village's boarders and young fifteen-year-old Sairis stepped forward to face them, and the villagers for the first time saw him for what he truly was...

I've tried to fix the 'errors' in your pitch.



Thank you

Jim Darcy wrote 1383 days ago

Read chapter 1 to 3. This is an exciting and involving read. From the introduction of the 'boy' to the unwinding of his relationship with the Elder and Rana. Combat is well described and convincing, description poetic and dialogue flows smoothly. In all, a well crafted fantasy with all the elements for a good read. Not sure about the universal tag, that means that it is suitable for very young children too.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

name falied moderation wrote 1383 days ago

Dear John,Firstly what a good book cover. then your short pitch demanded I read on which I did and your long pitch made many promises that I would enjoy your book and I did . I did not read it all but I will carry on. I do have a suggestion regarding your long pitch, and that is to put paras in as it gives the impression of being too long, which it is not. This could be the first read your potential publisher may have of your writing but just a suggestion. I do hope you dont take offense. Who did your cover? anyways well crafted easy flow and vivid characters all come together to make this book BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
My book is of a different genre but that is the beauty of this site, and if you could find the time to go through and 'comment', on my work, I would be so happy, as this will enable me to improve as a writer. and if you so feel back it. Again BEST OF LUCK with your book

Denise
The Letter

SusieGulick wrote 1383 days ago

Dear John, I love the be the beginning, even before your story started - intirgue & wonder were stirred within me, having just read your pitch which was excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book :) - of course, I had read it was fantasy, so knew the unusual was about to happen. :) When you use short paragraphs & dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
backed :)
Love, Susie :)

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