Book Jacket

 

rank 385
word count 24541
date submitted 19.09.2008
date updated 24.05.2013
genres: Science Fiction, Young Adult
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Telepath

Scott Kenny

Jake Machan is developing telepathic abilities. The hidden Controllers of Planet Earth are out to get him. Dead or alive.

 

Caledonia 1849, and seventeen year old Jake Machan flees Government troops who search his village for Telepaths.
On the run, he discovers that an Order of Royal Priests have manipulated major events in the world for thousands of years.
Escaping his enemies, he is transported five thousand miles through hyperspace, to California's 1849 Gold Rush. Even here, he is pursued.
With help from a Shaman's daughter he discovers the truth about the origins of humanity. In the far distant past, an Alien Race discovered Earth and through their Royal Priests, took control. There are signs that they are still here.
With far superior technology, why do they fear Jake? Why do they fear Humanities telepathic awakening?

 
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tags

adventure, fantasy, science fiction, teenage.

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Chapters

8

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Chapter 8.

The City, Caledonia, 1849.

'Castles in the sky.'

 

As Jake looked up through the gloaming light, he could clearly see that the Fortress consisted of thousands of massive blocks. His gaze moved from left to right, then rested on black battlements, highlighted against a darkening sky. This was truly a grim place.

Who had built it, when and how? No one knew. Jake had heard it had existed long before any settlements were ever seen on the plain below. The City had once been a town, the town once a village. Perhaps the village had grown from a line of fishermen's cottages, bravely eking out a living at the river's end.

Brave, not because conditions were harsh, which they surely were, but because even then this citadel had stood, casting its shadow over all who dared draw close.

"Have ye seen enough young sir?" His guide was growing impatient.

"Any idea when this was built, Wat?" Jake asked.

"Oh, a long time ago, sir. A long, long time ago. Nobody really knows. Some say ancient giants built it. Another story goes that men from the stars came, and since they liked to build their houses close to home, they built them up there in the sky."

Jake had heard the first story but not the second. "Which one do you favour, friend?"

"Och don't listen to neither sir. Give me a good army and I'd have the same built in a fortnight. You don't need giants to lift a rock. As for visitors from the stars, they'd leave as soon as they arrived. Imagine traveling across the heavens only to find war, pestilence and famine."

Jake smiled to himself, thinking to agree. "C'mon then," he said. "Let's find out what we can. The path's quite a trek."

"Oh it's a trek alright, slithering up like a snake on a mountain."

"I wonder how they manage in winter," Jake said.

Wat laughed lightly. "Another mystery. Sometimes there are questions you don't want answered."

Jake thought that unlikely. They clambered higher, leaving no breath spare for talking. Jake worried that darkness would descend and they'd end scraping their way unsighted up the bleak road, but the higher they climbed, the lighter the sky grew. The path wheeled round before levelling out, and from fifty yards distance Jake could make out the cut and shaped granite blocks of the Fortress, each of the stones taller than a man and as wide as a house.

"You have your letter I suppose?" said Wat.

Jake tapped his breast pocket.

Wat nodded and looked at him as if to say 'won't be much use,' shrugged and moved to the huge double doors. He gripped the metal knock and threw hard against a bar of iron fixed to the wood. A fierce clang set Jake’s ears ringing. The cold wind ripped at his clothes, and he hugged his jacket close. Soon, bangs and rattles from inside took his attention.

"There you go, sir." Wat gave a wry smile. "Best of luck." With a bit of a wave he turned to go.

"Are you not coming in with me?" Jake needlessly asked. For all he found Wat's company as comforting as his shadow's, Jake would still have welcomed it.

"Never been in and no hankering to go. It's not for the likes of me. Down's the same way as up. If it's dark, light a torch. See you." Wat's voice thinned to a whisper in the wind and he amounted to no more than a dot on the landscape when the doors swung open.

Jake peered into the darkness, moving forward slowly, trying to pick his way through the gloom.

Suddenly light flooded the hallway, without any obvious source. Seeing a closed door to the right, Jake lifted his hand to knock, but at that moment the door swung open. Of course. Party tricks for the unwashed. He entered the room to find a table and chairs, a wall full of books and a figure up a ladder. The man looked normal and Jake realised he expected something different.

"Be careful below," the man announced, sliding down the wooden steps. "Welcome, Jake. I’m Conall, one of the wizards of the mountain fortress. He held out a hand and Jake responded.

I've got my letter of introduction. Jake reached inside his jacket pocket.

Oh don't worry about that. You wouldn't have got past the door if we didn't know who you were. You're the one the hounds are after. Let's sit and talk for a bit."

The table measured the length of two men and the width of one. Jake knew from the grain that it was built from walnut, but age and polish had turned the bright wood dark. Dents, scores and flagon rings spoke of a thing well used. 

Jake took a good look at the man. Even without smiling, he had a friendly face. Over six feet tall, middle-aged, clean-shaven, with black hair cut short and neat as if to order, Jake sensed intense power locked within his athletic frame. He reminded Jake of a young Calum.

"Before we go any further, I'd like to say how sorry I am for Samhain. Conall rested his hands flat on the table. How is he, do you know?

He looks very bad, Jake said. The people who are looking after him say he'll recover in time.” He paused. Samhain asked me to show you something. He thought it's what the robbers wanted.

Conall nodded. It's not much of a guess Jake, but I'm thinking you have a piece of jewellery?

It's a diamond. Jake reached to retrieve the gem. With three flaws.

Conall's eyebrows rose in surprise. "A jewel's worth depends on clarity. Why would robbers be after one with flaws?"

Jake took a deep breath. "The flaws appear to have a regular shape to them, like tiny metal boxes."

"Not the sort of thing to be found in a diamond. Quite a mystery. So the thieves were after the jewel?"

Jake nodded.

"But from what Trantor says, it's you Tavish is after." His brow crinkled as he looked at Jake. "I'd like to introduce you to a colleague of mine," he said. "This is more his field of work. I think he'd be interested in having a word with you. 

Of course, Jake agreed. Conall left the room and Jake wandered over to the bookshelves. His heart stirred as he considered the books, holding as they did centuries of knowledge gleaned from thousands of minds. Jake was engrossed in his task and didn't notice the door open.

Jake. I’d like you to meet....

Jake turned round when Conall began to speak.

Alexander, Jake mouthed.

Hello Jake. I wondered if our visitor might be you. Conall asked if I'd like to meet someone with an interesting story. How could I refuse? And Jake's a name Id only come across the once, so I was doubly intrigued. 

Conall had a blank look on his face.

I met Jake a few days ago, Alexander explained. We had a little chat.

"We live in a small world,” Conall said, shaking his head. "Well, if you two old pals don't mind, I'll leave you both to figure this one out.

Alexander sat himself comfortably and pursed his lips. "You're a surprise.

I'm surprised too, Jake said. Not much ever happened to me. Now everything seems to be happening at once.

"Oh? Tell me."

Jake explained how Alexander's fears for Machan appeared to be well founded. He described his escape to The City, and confessed his worry seeing Belling and Tavish together at the Council meeting.

“This Belling’s an odd one. I can’t place his accent, and the name is unfamiliar. We in the Fortress pride ourselves in knowing who holds power, but Belling appears to have arrived out of the blue. As for Tavish, he has a history we are well aware of. He stirs up trouble wherever he goes, upsetting people with his version of Law and Order. He's not one to get on the wrong side of."

”I managed without trying," Jake said. "I can understand thieves wanting a diamond, but why should Tavish want me?"

"Because you are a Starchild," Alexander said simply.

"You don't believe that, do you?"

"I'm not the one chasing you. You need to worry about what Tavish believes."

Jake wearily shook his head.

"The idea of a Starchild is not so unusual, Jake. You will find many references to people from the stars in our books. Legends from every part of the world speak of them. Many of the legends mention the star people's abilities to communicate using thoughts. Tavish believes he can catch the thoughts of Starchildren, especially when they are emotional."

"Even if any of this is possible, I don't come from the stars."

"I don't think it's meant to be taken literally Jake," Alexander said. "I'm sure the thinking is that your ancestors came from the stars with this sensory ability, but the ability died out over hundreds or thousands of years."

"It's a nice story to tell to children, but why would any one take such a fairy tale seriously nowadays?"

"Because an ever-increasing number of people claim to have the ability," Alexander said. "Perhaps it didn't die out. Perhaps it only lay dormant and is emerging again? What if one day Jake, we could all read each others thoughts?" 

Chapters

8

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andrew skaife wrote 1053 days ago

Your writing is fantasically fresh and yet seems of the ages with its exquisite framing.

"All gold is fool's gold" is a prime example. There is a comic shade to your writing and you use time in an intelligent way.

I can tell you that as a very experienced English teacher this would be on the shelves for all my students and I would direct them there repeatedly.

As a father of four, mostly grown up now, it would have taken pride of place on all of their shelves.

The confusion in the dialogue of the first chapter works perfectly and the phrase headings atop each chapter are reminiscent of Frank Herbert's princess Mirulan in Dune.

BACKED to the epic hilt. Good luck and cheers.

Johanna Kern wrote 1053 days ago

This is such a wonderful tale and sincere, though highly entertaining look at human nature, progress and transformation. Indeed, the alchemical gold lies within - and only through a personal journey one is able to understand and then - obtain the treasure. This book is a great metaphor for that!

Superb writer you are, Scott. Love the rhythmical style - precise and elegant.

Backed with real pleasure.

toussaint wrote 1055 days ago

Upon a Sapphire Throne

[return backing ☼☼☼☼☼]

I loved this story, and read through to the end of chapter 13. Zeke is a natural hero for your book, young, handsome, intelligent and brave. And if you want him to fall in love, his naïvety and innocence when it comes to women is a very strong point. As Karen’s story shows. The premise is intriguing, although the story seems more of a legend or fantasy than science fiction to me. One difficulty I have—although not to the detriment of my enjoyment of the story—is the idea that Zeke has travelled to California in a spaceship. Machan seems to resemble Earth in a different time. Witness the cuneiform writing in the books in the fortress, and the familiar Moon in the sky. If Machan is a different planet, its Moon would look different from ours. The craters and Seas we see so clearly would not be the same. So it seems to me that Machan is the Earth from a different time. Zeke of course doesn’t know this, but ought to be bright enough to have worked it out sooner rather than later. After all, why doesn’t his appearance look out of place—unworldly—and how come he is understood? These are practical points. But the basic premise is still sound. I love the mysticism of the shamans and the message written inside the flawed diamond. Not to mention Zeke’s own power to read it. It makes him more of a sorcerer than Karen and the other wizards in the fortress. A great read, and very intriguing. The structure, wandering back and forth between Machan and California, works well. People chasing after him to find the secret of the diamond and the new order imposing itself in both places provides the dramatic focus. Of course, I’m backing this.

Sharahzade wrote 1090 days ago

UPON A SAPPHIRE THRONE
Scott Kenny

I wanted to mention one more thing that stayed with me when I read the thirteen chapters you posted here. I have not been able to get the beauty of it out of my mind. At the end of Chapter Eleven, there are a few paragraphs that are some of the most exquisite I have ever read.

"Night fell fast in these broken hills and I walked in a world cloaked in black velvet and sparkling with stars. I had spent endless nights out on the moors when the mares were foaling and at times had little else to do but lie back and study the heavens. And I knew that tonight the sky looked different.

"It was puzzling at first but I slowly realised that the stars were disarrayed. The Horsehead looked more like a bull, if it looked like anything. And the Dragon's Tail of the Orobous was simply missing. At least the majestic moon still sailed the lofty skies, a bright yellow caravel, cresting a sea of dark blue clouds.

"The tops of the trees below were a field of silver blue grasses, weaving in the wind. I closed my eyes and listened to their song as thin gusts played through them."

I don't know how you learned to write like that but I find it breathtaking. Now you know why I am entranced with your character, Zeke. His thoughts are mesmerizing.

Please let me know if you post more of this wonderful story.

Mary Enck
A King in Time

Ancient Reader wrote 1259 days ago

Dear Scott,

I can't reember if you asked me to read this or I just fell in love with your cover and title. But which ever it is, I'm so glad your book was on my wl.

I read through all eight chapters and am hungering for more! I really liked the switching of settings to tell your story; the reader doesn't dare get complacent, thinking he/she knows what's coming next. As an old fan of scifi and fantasy, I felt this is an excellent take on the usual young person running from evil without knowing why.

The character-building you do within each setting rings true and Zeke stays a whole person through it all.

I especially like your use of language to show that the two ostensible cowboys were anything but cowboys. "We have waited long" does not sound like a cowpoke just off the Oregon Trail.

Alexander and his animals heightened my interest in the story immensely. Any time you can add magical animals, one of which is a blind horse and the other a wolf, you've got me sold. Alexander was the icing on the cake. Hmmm . . . An intriguing stranger with magical animals. This is fun!

Not one to miss a chance to compare the Indian tribe's treatment with Zeke' people's treatment, you might have been a trifle heavy-handed here. Less is more, often. Let the reader make the parallel.

"The purple pimple pulsed" cracked me up!

When you mention The Smugglers Arms, did you mean to say The Parrots Arms? If not, you need some reference to the bar, maybe the building being different.

What a great place to stop! I want to meet the magician!

This is a great story with lots of action, wildly different settings and well-drawn characters. I loved it and I am backing it with gusto!!

Ancient Reader

Native1243 wrote 7 days ago

YARG
I like the idea of Jake traveling through time and that he became friends with a Native man, mostly because I'm Native American myself, but there's something about it thats making warning bells go off in my head. Don't get me wrong, I fully enjoyed the story. I just found it a little confusing as to what was going on. Though I liked the Hotel California idea, the name of the song kept popping up in my head which is a bit too modern for something that's supposed to take place in the past. It was also in the beginning of the first chapter when I was like "Wait? What just happened?" Anyways, good luck with your story!
Anthony

jessicaminor wrote 8 days ago

yarg review
i liked the story and the idea of the entire thing, i enjoyed the names of your charecters and thier personalities. i hope to see you do well here and i will give it a good rating, just always strive for better for more.

Michael Matula wrote 8 days ago

This is a Young Adult Reading Group (YARG) review:

A great sense of style, and some excellent descriptions to set the scenes. It's a bit trippy, but I really liked the quirky sense of humor, like the “Enough to get by” exchange, and the hat falling onto the drunk. Some very good use of simile, which I really appreciate, as I think it gives it a unique feel to the storytelling. I did kind of wonder why Jake told Kahkool his story instead of the other way around, since he still had a lot of questions, but this might just be because I really liked the enigmatic Bill Dickson and Kahkool, and was quite interested in learning more about them.

I also wrote down a few notes as I read:
CHAPTER 1:
It's said that he arrives by spaceship, and in the next paragraph, it says skyship. It could be fine, but the word skyship seemed different to me than spaceship, as one seems interstellar, while the other seems more like an airplane.
I wasn't quite sure about the “Only later did Jake discover” narration section, but this is probably just because I like to follow a character and learn things as they do, so this took me out of his shoes a bit.
“silver bright, dagger-like object” - I might take out “bright” here,
I did wonder if Bill Dickson's name needed to be said in full each time, though it did start to grow on me as I continued on.
“You think I'm in danger?” - I wasn't sure about this, since they'd just told him it was too dangerous for him to walk the streets.
“black as a crow quill” - great line
CHAPTER 2:
“He turned (at) a bend in the road”
small editing issue: “Jake's felt his eyes”
“divots of broken earth whirling in the air like panicking bats” - another great line

Great stuff overall, and a very original and intriguing story so far.
Definitely high stars.

Mike
Arrival of the Ageless

Lucy Middlemass wrote 9 days ago

This is a YARG Review

The Telepath

I read some of this yesterday and couldn’t quite think how to comment. The writing is great - well-pitched, never dull and with some lovely moments. But the premise is a lot to take in. The boy, Jake, has moved a hundred years into the future - but from 1749 to 1849,which is the past. He’s also made this trip on a spaceship. It’s original and quirky, but also risks being overwhelming.

The short pitch isn’t immediate enough for me. “showing signs of developing” isn’t dramatic enough. Why not “have”?

The long pitch is fine, maybe a bit complicated but then so is the story. It’s sort of helpful, although I didn’t really understand it until I’d starting reading properly.

Chapter One

I do like the opening lines.

I’m not sure about the non-linear “Only later did he discover…” Apart from the strange timeline meaning that “later” could be almost any time, it breaks with the normal structure. I’d prefer, within the timeline you’ve created, for everything to happen simply forwards and not jump around.

I like the surprise that Kahkool is a girl, but not that it’s revealed with the word “flounced.” She doesn’t need to become excessively feminine as soon as her hat comes off, surely?

Chapter Two

“Mad men often sounded reasonable.” I like. I like the atmosphere in this chapter.
I like that the whistle brings both horse and wolf.
“as if he had been caught at the cakes.” Nice.

Chapter Three

I like “giving Jake a whiff of camomile breath and a sense of being cornered.”
Jake’s thoughts in italics work well, although by this chapter there have been a lot of them, after almost everything anyone else says.
The characters are a little hard to keep track of. I missed what happened to the ones from the first chapter.

I’ve only read the first three chapters and I like the writing but I’ve found the story difficult to get on with in places - simply because I haven’t always known what’s going on. But the characters are great, there are no editing issues and much of the writing is admirable. Good luck with it,


Lucy

Seringapatam wrote 45 days ago

Scott, I liked the use of the narrative here. You have obviously put a lot of thought into this book before you started writing it. There is a good story and great use of characters. I think this is going to do very well for you if you support it and push it as it deserves. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

MC Storm wrote 97 days ago

I thoroughly enjoyed the opening chapter. As a fan to telepathy, supernatural, this book delivers! Well done High stars.
Mc
Exposed

LizX wrote 118 days ago

Loved the opening. It was a brilliant taster for what was to follow.
As a whole, it reminded me of a hybrid blend between Men in Black and Matrix in some strange, but very individual way. The unbelievable becomes completely believable and without me having to think twice about it. The change of tack in chapter two was well done and didn't disappoint.
As telepathy and anything that covers the subject is a firm favorite with me, there's a backing in the process when I rotate my shelf later in the week.
Very nice write and I'm looking forward to reading more.

fictionguy8 wrote 159 days ago

I only read the first chapter, but it was a very good opening to the novel. It is well written with good narrative and dialogue that is believable and fits in perfectly. I'm sorry I don't have time to read more at this time, but this is opne of the books I will come back to read. Iy is a publishable book aand I hope you are sending it out besides having it on this site. Five stars and backed. Mark Conte The Ghost.

R.J. Blain wrote 209 days ago

Greetings! I’m so sorry it took so long to get to this. I have been really busy in the real life, and haven’t had time for reading (pleasure or otherwise!)

Short Pitch:

This didn’t work for me. While a main conflict point is mentioned, it just didn’t have the tension I think it could have, nor does it have a main character. It feels a little too distant to catch my eye. (This is just a personal taste thing – it probably works very well for others.)

Long Pitch:

This feels way too much like a plot outline and not like storytelling to me. I think you can do a lot better than a list of events. There just wasn’t anything to hook me. This is how I expect a synopsis explaining events to read, not how I think a “You must read this NOW” pitch should read.

Chapter 1:

My biggest problem with the opening to the first chapter is that it is very, very distant from your main character. I can’t say there is anything wrong with the writing style (there isn’t!) I also can’t say it was able to capture my attention out of the gate. The concept of the first three paragraphs intrigued me, but the execution felt a little lacking to me.

As one recommendation, I would end the third paragraph with just “Jake Machan came by spaceship.” The second sentence just doesn’t match up with that punch.

As another nitpick, they didn’t have barroom brawls. They had saloon shootouts. If you’re going to go, go all of the way. Barrooms don’t evoke the wild west like a saloon does.

In the next few paragraphs, there are a few word omissions. I really recommend reading this out loud, and I think you’ll be able to catch them right away.

Something else I’m noticing that is distracting me from the story you’re trying to tell is how much backstory you’re cramming in here. Less than a real page, and you’ve jumped through two different places and times. There is zero sense of either one of these times and places to me. There is a huge story here, and you’ve opted to gloss over it completely.

If I was shopping in a bookstore, I’d honestly stop reading at this point – as a reader, I want to experience the tension and conflict of the character with them as they do. Right now, I’m being held at a distance. There are so many things you could do with this, and you just can’t pack it into several short paragraphs without losing the charm of it, in my opinion.

I really like the idea and concept behind this opening. However, the execution of it has thrown me off. Your first 6 or so paragraphs contains enough of a story for several chapters, if you sat down and told this character’s story. I want to care about Jake, but you throw us a list of events. You don’t show us Jake. You don’t make Jake live and breathe on the page. I think if you slow down and completely tell the story – starting with where he is first being chased or just before – you will be able to turn this into a first set of chapters I’d really enjoy reading.

Right now, it isn’t my type of story. It doesn’t have the character depth and tension that captures me when I’m reading. (I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I won’t lie about how I feel about a story. I DO think that the basic plot and the concept has a great deal of potential and if you match the writing to the idea, this will be an amazing tale… but for me, you skipped out the most important parts for me to be able to fall in love with this story.)

Normally I would read several chapters and comment as I go, but honestly, I want to see this if you decide to take the opening all of the way and get more thorough and indepth with Jake. I really do like the concept, and it would be something I’d really like to read, but I do think it needs to be in a different incarnation for me to fall in love with.

I hope this helps and that you aren’t offended by my thoughts. Good luck with this.

Daniel6394 wrote 217 days ago

Scott:
Excellent. Extremely well written. I love the story. I read 5 chapters. I'm entranced. Six stars and a place on my WL.
I'd appreciate a return read, with comment and stars. A place on your WL, even perhaps on your shelf if you think it deserves it.
Best Wishes
Daniel
The Makers

Rachael Cox wrote 245 days ago

A very intriguing and captivating start. We are instantly confronted with a strange and bizarre occurrence which immediately gets the interest rising. The idea of jumping through space and time with no idea as to why and how is quite mind-blowing. You have a great descriptive style that really makes the reader see the surroundings and believe in the world you are creating. I really enjoyed what I read, stars for now with a backing to follow as soon as I have space on my shelf.
Best wishes
Rachael
Dreamscape

Douglas York wrote 246 days ago

Club Nanobots Review

Great contrast between the Wild West and futuristic time periods. You present a lot of mysterious plot hooks in this first chapter (What is Jake's homeland like? How did he come to the 1800s? Why would they think he can create gold form stone?) All of these things will keep the reader intrigued while you develop your characters further.

Kahkool is a great name and her characterization fit my image of her perfectly. There were parts where I didn't relate with Jake - if I was transported to the future and met two strangers, the first thing I'd do is ask questions before wandering off. Regardless, the chapter progressed and the imagery of the town is great. You're excellent at creating scenes and imagery, which is exactly what I like to read. Well done - waitlisted until I can free up space!

Ryan
Majestic Shadows: The Pillar of Smoke

Elizabeth H wrote 252 days ago

Club Nanobot review.

This is an interesting take. Wild West meets Sci Fi. Jake's homeworld seems to be an alternative Earth and now he is trapped in the old gold digger time with a huge difference and men in black.

The world is very well described. It is so easy to form a mental picture. The setting is so into the time frame and then Jake has his companions, who know he is otherworld and expect him to transform rock into gold. I imagine this ability will present serious problems in the future, although I am not seeing much of a match up from the pitch. It is a thrilling first chapter and I am compelled to read on. Nicely done. I see no nits to pick.

jet ramea wrote 252 days ago

nanobot review

clever introduction to the plot, or what appears to be the plot by the end of chapter one. the pace is acceptable from the start, following a setting, a good quote and three short paragraphs to get us on the right foot.

cowboys and spaceships. already i'm interested.

i'm liking the varying diction you've given to each of the characters, although i'm not entirely sure if jake is sounding like a scot from 1749. but from what i've read so far, i'm not entirely sure if he's a normal scot from 1749 anyway, if kahkool and bill can be trusted.

about kahkool and bill, i like the completely different personalities applid to each, one being more human (and with a human name) and the other, well, being near exactly what i'd expect for a person named kahkool. the twist by the end is very nice, too, as i'm sure the beautiful woman and male protagonist will have plenty to interact upon during the course of the story.

a good start to a book that should hold a reader's interest based on whatever combination of spaceships and old west is depicted on the cover. very nice.

WiSpY wrote 267 days ago

Nanobots Review

Loved the opening and laughed out loud at the "not from around these here parts"

One nit, one doesn't carry an expression ...

Cleverly written and engaging,well done!

TDonna wrote 273 days ago

I like how you keep me with Jake, and in his mindframe, in constant mystery. Your vivid descriptions bring each scene to life for me, the wolf yawning and stretching and seeing "the hairs on his chin glinting in the candlelight." I chuckled at Jake's thought, "Bears. Crazy idea. City folk." You're moving the plot forward at a great pace, continuing to develop Jake's character and maintaining interest. I'll be returning to read on soon, this is fantastic!
Donna
No Kiss Goodbye

Rebecca Tester wrote 276 days ago

It's funny, but I remember reviewing this earlier. Maybe I had a hiccup in transmission and lost the comment.

I'll keep it brief because I can't remember all the comments I'd made originally, and because I don't think you had a lot problems with the piece. Solid writing, really. Like the characters. One part True Grit, one part Time Machine. Little Cowboys and Aliens (which was better than I thought it would be--the movie, I mean. This was good, but it doesn't have the eye candy ;) ).

the characters seem well rounded. I like Kahkool (though I dislike her stereotypical Indian Speak Like This. Me Kahkool. You Jake. Verges on Neanderthal, which I've always found a bit demeaning to Native Americans. I don't mean to imply that you intend it like that, and I certainly don't mean to imply as such. It's just that it's become a stereotype so much that any time we see a Native American--regardless of tribal affiliation--we always expect him/her to speak like that.)

Love the juxtaposition of science fiction and Western. Seems like any combination makes me happy. Cowboys and Aliens. Firefly. Great stuff, both, and this fits right in with 'em. :d

Abbiealso wrote 279 days ago

Club Nanobots Critique Chapter One
HI Scott, really interesting premise and a very enjoyable read. The writing is very well paced and i can;'t wait to read chapter two.
Abbie Lee Wallace
Medically Mystifying

Abby Vandiver wrote 280 days ago

Club Nanobots Critique

I really like the story. It is ver intriguing and draws you in. You write very well and the story is so interesting. I am evidently missing all of the good stuff by only reading Chapter One. I will have to come back and read more. But for now, 6 stars!

Sara Stinson wrote 280 days ago

The Telepath
By: Scott Kenny

A Telepath runs from his village and ends up in California. From the first paragraph your story moves along and I am never bored. From the cave to the hidden saloon, I am captivated by your writing. As a teacher, I can say this would be a wonderful book to be available for students at school. This action-packed story packs a punch!
High high ratings!
Sara Stinson

Lenny Banks wrote 281 days ago

Hi Scott, I read chapter 5. This is a facinating story, I liked the pitch the idea of someone time travelling but it not affecting this period in time is fresh. The characters seem rounded and the story plausable. I enjoyed reading the adventure, Well Done.
Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock.

TDonna wrote 282 days ago

No pun intended, but you transported me to Sacramento and the foothills through vivid descriptions. The pace is good, the storyline is interesting, and the surprise, well, took me by surprise :) Good dialogue and very quickly you created distinct characters. Good flow, good scene transitions, and imaginative. I really enjoyed reading. I'm glad I happened to come across this, Scott.
Donna
No Kiss Goodbye
(My story about escaping from communist Romania back in 1981, at the age of fourteen, along switchbacks that months later led me to America).

Maureenaries wrote 283 days ago

Dear Scott , THE TELEPATH - I absolutely loved the first page. Well set and whetted my appetite . The second chapter went back and goads and teases the reader with history and information and hints of something special and sinister. Need to read more and I'll keep it on watch list for a space on my book shelf soon. Maureen x x

Maureenaries wrote 283 days ago

Dear Scott , THE TELEPATH - I absolutely loved the first page. Well set and whetted my appetite . The second chapter went back and goads and teases the reader with history and information and hints of something special and sinister. Need to read more and I'll keep it on watch list for a space on my book shelf soon. Maureen x x

MauriceR wrote 288 days ago

Club Nanobots Critique


Hi Scott
Well done. This was an easy story to get engaged with, carried along by a good sense of humor and backed up by a good premise. You also do a great job of getting the background to the story out without things feeling contrived.
In terms of critiquing, I would just repeat what I see Ted and others have noted - that you character does not sound like he comes from 18th century Scotland. Getting period dialogue to sound authentic is tricky, so you may be wise not to try it, but he also seems to understand things he shouldn’t - such as the idea of a machine being faulty (at the start of Ch.1) or using clocks (“be ready by six” in Ch.3).
Cheers
Maurice

kokako wrote 291 days ago

Club Nanobots

Hi Scott,

Here’s my Nanobots review for ‘The Telepath’. I don’t feel I’m very good on the general comment sort of stuff, so I’ve gone through and tried to give some more specific comments. In your case, I think most of my notes are related to minor tense issues. I’m not an expert, though, so take what works for you and feel free to toss the rest.

1) ‘A few days ago’
Somebody told me I couldn’t use ‘ago’ in my book, as I was writing in past tense narrative. I wasn’t sure that I agreed with them – until I read it just now in your book and realised what they meant. ‘A few days ago’ is a present tense statement. As you’re writing in the past tense (like me) you need to say, ‘A few days before’ or ‘A few days earlier’ (like I do. I’m going to have to go and fix that.)

2) ‘Caledonia doesn’t have space ships. However Caledonia does have psychopaths’
the same thing applies to ‘does’ and ‘doesn’t’ in these sentences. It leads the reader to expect present tense narrative where this is past tense. So you need to replace ‘does’ and ‘doesn’t’ with ‘did’ and ‘didn’t’

3) ‘His developing mind however went blank’
Lovely stuff. You have a beautiful wit sprinkled through this.

4) What on earth was a spaceship doing sitting around in Caledonia in 1649?
(Not a criticism; just a question. But I do hope you answer it for me somewhere in your book.)

5) ‘Have a good trip?... No transmission tremors?...’
This just gets better and better. Now I’m sure I’m going to get my answer; sometime.

6) ‘California’s sun is a powerful circle’
Again, keep everything in past narrative. ‘is’ should be ‘was’

7) ‘since Jake himself didn’t know’
Tenses again. As you’ve said ‘how had Bill Dickson and Kahkool known…’ you need to say ‘since Jake himself hadn’t known’ or you could say, ‘how did Bill Dickson and Kahkool know…’ and keep ‘since Jake himself didn’t know’ the way it is.

8) ‘For someone who is supposed to have all the answers, you ask many questions’
This is excellent.

I love this. What a great chapter – and what a great story. I can’t wait to read more. Fantastic work.

Sue

Brian Bandell wrote 291 days ago

Back for seconds thanks to Club Nanobot. Without a doubt, this is one of the best scifi novels on Authonomy. It is what Cowboys with Aliens should have been if it had a good writer. It's a fun read.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Wanttobeawriter wrote 293 days ago

TELEPATH
This is an intriguing story: a young man transported through time and space to Sacrament, California. You’ve created a good main character in Jake; I like the way he’s confused about what has happened, yet to willing to face whatever else will happen to him. The opening paragraph about Jake coming in a space ship is a good introduction; lets your reader know from the beginning this is not going to be your usual panning for gold story. A good read, I’m starring this and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Ryan_Gomes wrote 293 days ago

Club Nanobots Critique

Your writing style is impeccable. I honestly have nothing to say about grammar, syntax or flow issues. In terms of writing, you have things down to a t, something I can't say about a lot of writers. You should be commended for that! 

I did have some issues with the suspension of belief here, similar to what TC said. It seemed odd that Jake could describe things as machine like and with such modern vocabulary. I was also confused why the two people who Jake met had such advanced technological equipment, although that is an issue that is most likely explained later on. Otherwise, a great start!

Ryan

malky76 wrote 294 days ago

Club Nanobots Review

Fantastically myserious feeling about this opening chapter. A nciely complex use of language, without losing any fluidity.

There are some uses of cliche that I actually adore. The very concept of the Wild West is cliched and you have used it to the story's advantage. Dialogue works really well also and there is a nice combination of scene setting and description. This is a very immersive story and that is a very difficult thing to achieve.

Maybe a few grammatical issues but all writers make those mistakes - even the best writers in the world need an editor! Fantastic pitch that was not let down by the story. One to watch.

Malcolm Cox
Mindscape: An Act of God

Ted Cross wrote 294 days ago

Club Nanobots Review--
From a technical perspective this is really very good. The writing is very clean and flows well. There was almost nothing for me to nitpick, which I find highly unusual on this site. So, my issues with this, purely as a reader, are more general.

I kept having trouble believing things in this story. I'm told this Jake (and did the name Jake really exist in 1649 Caledonia?) came from Caledonia. I suppose he could have come from anywhere and has been hopping all around, but you don't tell us that here, so I just don't know yet. If I assume he is truly from 1600's Caledonia, then I get bogged down with all the things that don't ring true. His language is modern and he understands and speaks modern English, saying things like 'Sure' and thinking things like 'machine-like'. If Caledonia is an ancient form of Scotland...well, I've met a number of Scottish people in modern times that I can barely understand, so I would think it would be far worse way back then.

So, great job with your nice writing. If you do address the high level issues I have later on, well I think maybe we need some real hints earlier on so that we are able to suspend our disbelief.

Daniel de Molay-Wilson wrote 294 days ago

Nanobots Science Fiction Writer's Club Review:

Your cover is great, your pitch is precise-- I already want to know more! haha!!

So, I read; and I really liked it!!

Your style in terms of story-telling seems as complex as mine, in that you're telling things that many, quite rightly, would probably be better to consume in smaller segments-- possibly, even, seperate books entirely.
haha!! But no, keep writing, typing, doing!

I'd buy your book because the secret society, the mention of a One World Order, the ancient alien element. The latter point is astroarcheology, so keep it in mind. Readers of Zecharia Sitchen and Erich Von Daniken will take note of your work, as they still holds resonance today. 2012 and all that. (Look at David Icke to see why...)

So thank you for this, you'll be going on my watchlist; and soon my shelf. That's not matey-banter, I mean it!

There's a whole series of primal elements you've touched upon, so in today's climate of 2012, people want such stories. Look at Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and the Lara Croft movies...

So thank you again, and please do read, rate and review my story, "Heights of Obsession" -- I have a strong feeling you'll love it.

Dan

Paul Richards wrote 295 days ago

Nanobot Review:
Generally, my reviews are about the story and not the writing. I do not do the nit-pick on grammar and spelling.
Your story has great promise and interest for me. I want to read it all the way through. I completed chapters 1 & 2 which is more than Club Nanobot is doing.
I have confess that I stumbled frequently while reading and it was necessary for me to re-read several passages. I feel that you have a few dangling participles and dangling modifiers that are confusing to me. The verb tenses also give me pause. Perhaps this is a difference in international use from what is common to my ear but not common to how it is used where you live. In chapter two you say "Jake had rode" I would write "Jake had ridden" or "Jack rode" with the former the preference because it is speaking about a time gone by.

You have a very inventive way of saying things in your book and I really like that but occasionally, the meaning that is normal for me of the adjectives or modifiers are just off of what I think might be intended. But that may be due to the geographical or cultural difference in the way the language is used. I am used to reading about paper thin walls but thin papered walls is new to my ear.

Your descriptions are vivid and lend to full visuals in my mind as I read. These are only my opinions so take them as you wish.

Dave Tarragon wrote 296 days ago

{Club Nanobot}

This is definitely a book I would read. I like the plot, liked its execution, believed the characters and most of all want to read more.

Six stars and watchlisted :)

John Life wrote 297 days ago

Hi Scott,
you have a great use of language and a captivating plot that keeps me reading onwards and upwards with enjoyment of your work.
I am looking forward to reading more.
kindest regards
John Life
http://authonomy.com/books/46080/christiania-you-won-my-heart/

Pollyanna Pilsbury wrote 298 days ago

Club Nanobots review.
I really like the idea of coybows and indians and space ships.
Chapter one introduced the characters well and explained their situations without overdoing the info.
It is well written and edited.
Pollyanna.

JMF wrote 301 days ago

Reading Swap
I have read the first three chapters. I would say this is suitable for young adults. You have pitched your tone and language level just right and I think the subject matter will also appeal.
Just one nitpick:
'Kahkool threw her hat on the table' - we now know she's a girl and this spoils the element of surprise making Jake's words which follow redundant. Perhaps keep the surprise until it is revealed by him.
I particularly like the elements of humour you introduce through Jake, a slightly sarcastic wit is realistic for a teenager, which I'm assuming he is. Just one other point, and apologies if I have missed this, but what does Jake look like? I would like a bit more information on him and his surroundings. Other than that I enjoyed the read.
Highly starred.
All the best with your writing.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

brerandall wrote 301 days ago

Club Nanobot:
Scott, where to begin. This is simply perfect. I'm excited as I sit here writing this. I wish it was already published so I could be holding a physical copy in my hands. First of all, I live about fifteen minutes from Coloma, so that got me hooked right away. (: Your writing style is incredibly fluid and just brilliant. The dialogue and humor is great, easy to read and digest. I'm simply so excited to keep reading. This is my favorite I've read in the contest by far and probably one of the top on Autho. Incredible work, I can't make any corrections or suggestions. Six stars for sure and thank you for putting this brilliance into words. (:

Bre
Memoria

brerandall wrote 301 days ago

Club Nanobot:
Scott, where to begin. This is simply perfect. I'm excited as I sit here writing this. I wish it was already published so I could be holding a physical copy in my hands. First of all, I live about fifteen minutes from Coloma, so that got me hooked right away. (: Your writing style is incredibly fluid and just brilliant. The dialogue and humor is great, easy to read and digest. I'm simply so excited to keep reading. This is my favorite I've read in the contest by far and probably one of the top on Autho. Incredible work, I can't make any corrections or suggestions. Six stars for sure and thank you for putting this brilliance into words. (:

Bre
Memoria

Earl Carlson wrote 302 days ago

Club Nanobot Critique:

I have only one really insignificant criticism: the term "hopefully" as it is currently used -- or rather misused -- did not gain currency until some time during the last forty years (about the same time as "at that point in time" and the double "is"). It would not have been used in 1847.

Apart from that, this is a compelling opening chapter. The characters are interesting; the narration flows well and the dialogue sounds natural. Moreover, I do enjoy the understate humor.

Earl Carlson wrote 302 days ago

Club Nanobot Critique:

I have only one really insignificant criticism: the term "hopefully" as it is currently used -- or rather misused -- did not gain currency until some time during the last forty years (about the same time as "at that point in time" and the double "is"). It would not have been used in 1847.

Apart from that, this is a compelling opening chapter. The characters are interesting; the narration flows well and the dialogue sounds natural. Moreover, I do enjoy the understate humor.

KaliedaRik wrote 304 days ago

Hi, Scott. Welcome to this, my first "Club Nanobot" critique. I hope you're looking for honest (and personal) feedback, because that's all I've got to offer.

The blurb outlines an interesting story: unsuspecting telepaths, time travel, mysterious controllers of the world, aliens among us. Jake is our hunted hero, and it's up to Jake to figure out what's happening to him, and why, and how to deal with it.

My first concern is, if Jake is the hero why not start the book with him? We only meet the lad halfway through the first chapter, when he rescues his little cousin(?) from the river. All the characters that have gone before seem to disappear after the first chapter (I've only flicked through to the end of Ch4, so I'm probably wrong about this).

On the writing side, there's nothing wrong with your style; it was not quite to my tastes, but then that's my problem - please keep that in mind when considering what follows.

Your tendency to go for 'full conversations' felt a little forced (unnaturalistic) to me. You also seem keen to get as much detail as possible onto the page, rather than leaving me some space to colour in my own visions of the unfolding story. For instance the initial conversation between Cait, Neil and Donald is packed with detail - but how much of that detail is essential to the story about to unfold?

I think there may be scope here for some paring down and uncluttering of the text, which would help get me into the read more quickly, and keep my attention as I work my way through the chapter. I don't envy you that work as some of the (to my mind) incidental images are very nicely written.

Please remember, these are just my thoughts as I read the opening chapter. Just one person's comments among many. I hope you manage to find something (even one thing) useful from this feedback, should you choose to do another edit.

Best wishes with taking this forward.

K E Shaw wrote 309 days ago

Scott, this is my first read on this site and therefore my first attempt at commenting, reviewing - so bear with me while I give it a go ;) I have watchlisted this so I can come back and read more, but so far I'm at Chapter 4.

What I love: the sense of mystery and the plot/premise unfolding gradually in a way that keeps up mystery factor and suspense high - I want to read more to find out what is going on here...I enjoy feeling that things are being kept from me, the reader, to discover later on. (my own book hopefully does something similar)
Jake as a character is amusing, and the subtle comedy factor in just these chapters is highly appealing.
Well written, the descriptions that you do use are fresh.

Not so keen on: I'm not a reader of YA, so I could be wrong, but by the end of Chp 4 I still have no image in my head at all as to what Jake looks like, how old he might be, or anything that really helps me to connect to him and place him in my 'mind-movie' as I'm reading. Same for the setting - finding it very hard to have any idea of his world setting - if I hadn't read comments by other reviewers I would still not have any hook to hang my mental imagery on. By 4th Chp, should have some picture? Your descriptions when you do use them are otherwise so well-written that I feel a couple more carefully placed ones would do no harm to the pace and would help set the scene (without giving away any plot surprises). There's a great deal of dialogue that does a good job, but I feel it would really sing if supported by a little more world-building in between? For example, when Netta whips off her kit and climbs into bed with Jake, I was just slightly taken aback - until then, because everything about Jake had seemed so light and almost whimsical, I had the impression of a teenager around 15-16yrs.

Definitely will be reading further and looking forward to it. The premise is great, and on a subject line that is close to my heart - alternate archaeology is a life-long interest of mine (studied the mainstream kind)and the concept of the human race having ancient alien beginnings or connections is one I research and subscribe too.

Hope my reviewing skill improves with practice, and I will figure out how to bookshel this book as soon as I'm done here. Is it too cheeky to ask you to take a look at my first 3 Chapters? Oh, and thanks for the tip on uploading with Wordpad - it worked like a charm.

Cheers,
Kim Shaw - The Seventh Gate

Renee Mieyerhold wrote 311 days ago

Here I am!

> Title: Interesting
> Cover: I think it could be a bit more “look at me wow!” but I’m sure it’s relevant to the story.

I read the first chapter, and unfortunately, I’m not sure I’d want to read further. Maybe it’s just not my type of book, but in my opinion the writing style is too choppy. I do appreciate how poetic some of the descriptions are.

I just read on, deciding to give you benefit of the doubt and see what happens, and I must say, chapter two has a much better flow while keeping the same poetic descriptions I liked in the first chapter. I think the first chapter you were just figuring out the tone, but the initial paragraphs until you tell us Jake is a coward or something (which should be shown not told by the way, because after I read about him saving a girl I find it hard to think he isn’t brave)…anyway, those initial paragraphs feel a little bit sliced and diced together. Maybe it’s just me, but reading it aloud and hearing how it sounds could help you.

Grammar wise, I think you’re fine. The present tense of the novel works for me, and I don’t think I noticed any switching tenses.

Oh yeah, in the beginning are you trying to make a reference to Little Red Riding Hood? It seemed like it, and if that’s the case, I think it’d be interesting to see how that kind of plays into the story.

On another note, dialogue between characters is realistic and believable.

Overall, I think you have a solid piece, with a strong foundation, but I’m not quite sure I like it enough to back it. However, my policy is that once you done some editing if you let me know I’ll reread it and if I like what I read at that point, I’ll back it. You’re definitely on to something!

Lynn Demarest wrote 314 days ago

The pacing of the first scene is way off. The scene is way, way too short, the resolution coming almost immediately. Talk a little about the girl before she goes missing, so we have a chance to care about her. Then let the scene unfold over a page or two so that you can develop a little suspense before she is rescued.

grouserock wrote 317 days ago

I really like the way you write and your story premise is intriguing. Your words paint some great images. Sweet onions in yellow fat...skirling pipes...I especially liked: "the silence has a thickness that's rarely challenged"
I've only read your first chapter but I have this watch listed this for another look and I would like to come back to finish this story.
A couple of observations; You say that the Inquisitors arrived the day Mara disappeared and then Alexander tells Jake that they arrived mid afternoon into the next day?
I felt as if there could have been a bit more initially about Jake's relationship to Mara- or the other villagers so we can be caught up with Jake, caring about the outcome of the search. As it reads I'm not sure why Jake's legs are 'heavy with fear' while he is searching. Is Mara someone special to him? Is there something fearful out there? Also, perhaps I don't yet have a clear picture of what Jake is like, but to me it felt odd for him to be speaking with such disrespect for a man he had just encountered on the road, saying, "It must be lots of fun pestering people." and "You tried though, didn't you? You blew your brains out."
You've picked a great tale to tell and I can picture Jake's story being a hit in the YA market.

Juliet Ann wrote 320 days ago

Disclaimer: What follows is a purely subjective gut reaction, which you asked for on my shameless thread.

I stopped about halfway down chapter one. I am feeling disorientated. It is happening so fast. Maybe ground the reader a little more first with the village and its people before the crazy guy appears.

grahamwhittaker wrote 332 days ago

You have the opportunity here to rewrite and tighten up the style. It strikes me that in this initial write you are doing as I do and just "getting the story down" and that is to be admired because a rewrite will manage to tighten up the voice. You have great potential metaphor but tend to spoil it by rushing a little and losing the poetry in the voice. I will just give a couple of examples as I know that You WILL when you re-read and re-write, you will also notice these stutters. "Jake's intuition told him to flee, but instead he gritted his teeth and followed." "Jake's gut said run. Instead he followed, his jaw set." "The village was silent as if abandoned." "The village was silent. Why? Surely not abandoned?" "jake entered the kitchen, filled a deep plate with stew and gulped the meal down." "Jake went into the kitchen where he slopped a deep plate with stew and devoured it". There are really great images here and I would like to do an in depth crit so I'm putting it on my WL and will come back later. Great effort for a first write and worthy of backing. I hope you don't feel that this is a "bad " crit because it certainly is not. I think if you listen for the 'voice' it will come to you quickly and turn something that currently stutters a bit into something that flows. Use metaphor but try to avoid "like" . This is a very promising book. Of course now you have the opportunity to rip my own book (The Girl From Kosovo) We actually share a similar style of writing which is probably why I like this so much. I will be back. That's a promise. Thanks for a great read. Graham Whittaker The Girl From Kosovo

Jilleigh wrote 334 days ago

Wow! Just read the first chapter and I must say I'm intrigued. I love the mystery surrounding this. Jake's personality is fun. I like his approach toward the man, Alexander. This piece reads quite easy, which I'm a fan of. Great use of dialogue, it was very realistic and smooth. Overall, I'm liking this piece so far. I'm going to be adding this to my bookshelf/backing. Hopefully I can't get to another chapter some time today. Oh before I go, what the heck is up with this whistle? So neat!

PenInHand wrote 337 days ago

I gave your first chapter a look. I think that this could work really well as a YA scifi novel, your writing style is very fast paced and clean. It fits the genera well, however I feel that you could stand to insert a little bit more emotion into your scenes. You move very quickly from one scene to the next, and you don’t really give the reader time to feel. You start with a tragedy, which usually makes for a gripping opening, but in this case it read more like a news article than a scene in a novel. Don’t just tell us what is going on, show us. Let us feel it.
Another small suggestion is to maybe tighten your dialog. Right now it’s a bit unrealistic, with characters plainly stating everything in conversation. It’s not natural. However, it isn’t bad in story that is focusing on plot and action more than on literary devices. All in all, this is a pretty good first chapter.