Book Jacket

 

rank 487
word count 63401
date submitted 27.05.2010
date updated 27.12.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Romance,...
classification: moderate
complete

Chapter One

Pete Marchetto

The man within the man within the man...

 

A Russian-doll novel.

Paul - access father, thwarted traveller, blocked writer, creates

Dave - lost in the world of love and his girlfriend's infidelities, creates

Tom - a widowed father with too much focus on his daughter, drifting away from the world, creates

Lenny - a slick businessman with too much history, creates

Another - who with nothing has it all.

Multiple views of situations, of people, of relationships and the female ideal interplay, interact and intertwine on the path to realisation; the need to let go.

A wry post-feminist romance.

My thanks to cover model Li Meimei

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

1990s, fatherhood, fiction, literary, love, men, modernist, post-feminist

on 16 watchlists

26 comments

 

Text Size

Text Colour

Chapters

1

report abuse

Chapter One

  "Why am I here?" Paul wondered.

  On the grand scale of Destiny this had always seemed a strangely pointless question.  Around ten o'clock every Saturday night, however, it was a question he mused over in the context of the Cromwell pub.

  "scuze me mate."

  Paul leaned back to make way for the pool cue.  The drunk playing the shot had to lean awkwardly, but Paul was determined not to stand.  A smell of rank armpit, a growl of frustration with the miscue and Paul bobbed upright to a hostile glare.  "Tough," he muttered, quietly.  This seat was his most precious possession; he'd waited long enough, and now it was firmly beneath his buttocks there it would stay.

  The drunk having retreated, Paul resumed a distracted perusal of his surroundings.  Glancing from group to group, person to person, he felt alienated from their desperate hilarity.  The malaise of the English drinking; the edginess of voice and laughter raised against the onslaught of the juke box; the pent up claustrophobia of a small space filled with people filled with alcohol, tension that could burst into tears or violence.

  Wistfully, his mind drifted to the Saturday nightlife of continental cafes; the smell of coffee, happy conversation, relaxed laughter -

  "scuze me mate."  It was the drunk's opponent, equally drunk.  Paul leaned to the left.

  Christ, he was sick of England.

  Upright again he saw Linda smile across the table, the chop-and-change of conversation having momentarily abandoned her.  Paul smiled back, wearily.

  "Penny for them?" she shouted over the noise.

  "I'd be ripping you off."

  "Then I'll take a free sample."

  "OK then - why do people go to the pub to escape their homes and then get drunk to escape the pub?"

  "Quite right."

  "Many thanks."

  "No - quite right; that wasn't a penny's worth."

  "scuze me mate."

  Paul leaned to the right.  "Any chance of you budging up?" he called to Linda as the cue knocked the side of his head.

  Linda glanced along the seat then spoke to the bespectacled youth next to her.  He, in turn, spoke to the woman next to him, the message was passed and bottoms shuffled.  A narrow gap opened clearing just enough seat for Linda's hand to give it an inviting pat.

    Paul rose and squeezed between tables, then squeezed between Linda and the bespectacled youth to settle precariously on the edge of the seat.  He glanced up to see his former space taken by a grim-looking youth who, unwilling to lean for anyone, had become involved in heated altercation.

  Paul sighed.  "Why do we do it, Linda?"

  "Do what dear heart?"

  "Subject ourselves to this every Saturday night?"

  Linda clouded with thought then lit with revelation.  "Because there's fuck all else to do."

  Paul sighed and sought his drink.  It had gone.  In the hand of the grim looking youth was a glass looking suspiciously - oh hell, there was only a bit left and he didn't care much for drinking anyway.  He leaned back in resignation as far as the shoulders of his neighbours permitted.

  There was fuck all else to do.

  Linda looked him over.  “Youre in miserable git mode”, she observed.  “Whats up?”

  Paul shrugged.  “The usual I guess.  The demise of the British Empire.  The rise of political ideology as the fanaticism of a secular world.  Dutch Elm disease –“

  “You had Hannah today, didnt you?”

  “- and I just took Hannah back to her mother, yes.”

  "Hence the mood?"

  Paul grimaced.  "Maybe.  I don't know."

  “Any more second-hand feminism?  That one you told me last week was sweet.”

  Sarah, Hannah's mother, had very definite views about men; the only ones she had time for were lovers.  While they had her interest her lovers were accorded honorary female status; as interest waned they sank back into the general morass of male bastardy.  His own fall from grace had begun some three years earlier when the two of them were trying to make a go of it in the wake of Hannah.  As hed declined, so Sarah began praising an old college friend, Keith, for being ‘… not like other men and Paul knew the relationship was over. 

  Recently, Hannah had been picking up on Sarahs ideas.  "Men are nasty," she'd told Paul the previous weekend. 

  "All men?"

  "Yes.  No.  Keith's nice."

  "And me?"

  Hannah was puzzled.  "You're my daddy.  You're not a man."

  "You've gone again."  Paul looked up and saw Lindas sympathetic amusement.

  "Sorry, youre right.  Post-Hannah brooding mode."

  “For a guy who loves his daughter as much as you do you don't half get moody when you've had her for the day."

  “Oh, its not Hannah.  Its me.  Im a childless father. I'm a writer who doesn't write.  I'm a traveller trapped in familiar territory -"

  “You love your daughter.”

  “Oh yes, I know, I know.”  He shook his head.  “Unplanned fatherhood.  Can you think of anything else youd bust a gut trying to prevent in the full knowledge that if it were to happen it would be the highlight of your life?”

  Linda was surprised.  "Hannah wasn't planned?"

  “I thought I told you.  Not by me.  The planning I mean.  A couple of missed pills Sarah told me, but shes not one for forgetfulness.”

  Linda frowned.  “I didnt know.  How did you take it when you found out?”

  Paul shrugged.  “Badly.  I wasnt ready for it.  Id told Sarah that, repeatedly.  Not ready for marriage, not ready for children… but she got what she wanted.  Hannah first, then I had to follow.  Not duty.  Hannah.  I loved Hannah from the outset.  The first time I saw her…”  He smiled.  “Well, I dont remember it, Sarah told me, said I made a glib remark.  Oh, thats what they look like, is it?  Then I had to sit down.  Sarah said I went white, she thought I was going to pass out.  From a threatening medical condition a threat to me I mean to a daughter.  Ive spoken to other guys about it, that first realisation true realisation of fatherhood, seeing your child for the first time.  It was the same for all of us.  Epiphany.  I went into that maternity ward one person.  When I left, in so many ways, I was entirely someone else and I couldnt go back.”

  “So you decided to marry Sarah?”

  “Not immediately.  The problem with epiphany is its suddenness.  You need time to grow out of what you were before and into what youve become.  Sarah and I became closer because of Hannah of course and the differences we had didnt seem insoluble, at least not to me.

  “So she managed to get what she wanted.”

  Paul smiled, wryly.  “Quite the opposite.  She trapped me into it and there I was, hers for the taking, the thing shed wanted for years then she realised… she didnt really want me after all.  Wanting me had become a habit, thats all.  Getting me made it real and the habit broke.  Shed trapped both of us.  It was a mess.  She was irritable from the start.  Before too long there was another man in the background.  I think she was goading me into walking out on her, she didnt want to take the responsibility upon herself, but I wouldnt.  While she kept saying things could work I hung on in there.  This was me now, Sarah and Hannah; I couldnt just walk away.  Sarah had my future all locked and couldnt give it back if she wanted, so I stayed.  She had to do it, had to chuck me out in the end.  It was horrible… for Hannah, for me… for Sarah too I guess.  Shed hijacked my life and now shed crashed it.  It cant have made her feel good.  Unfortunately it didnt make her sorry either.  Just bitter and angry.  With me.”

  “You never told me any of this.”

  “Ach!  I dont much like to talk about it I guess.  Anyway, I tried to run away from it all, sold up everything and went abroad.  My grand world tour.  I made it as far as Germany, but I wasnt going anywhere.  You cant just walk away from your child; the worlds not big enough.”

  “So… now you have her.”

  “One day a week.  Ultra-Dad, turning fatherliness up to max because we have so little time.  Then she goes and I have to turn it back to zero just as fast.  Access fatherhood is hell.  The life of a single bloke and the life of a father are flat-out incompatible.  I cant travel as I used to.  I cant focus on my writing.  I feel like Im marking time six days a week and then, on the seventh, Im trying to fit in a week of fatherhood.  No wonder the majority of estranged dads abandon access after a couple of years.  Ive got a quarter-life where I used to have a life-and-a-half.”

  "You're thinking of quitting access?"

  "Oh don't sound so shocked; I've stuck it out longer than most and anyway… no.  No, I'm not giving it up.  I couldn't do that to Hannah.  Nor to myself.  Anyway, I tried running once and got nowhere.  Theres nowhere to go."

  “You say you cant write.  I guess youre thinking about all this too much.  So why not write about it?”

  Paul frowned.  “You think theres a market for the self-pitying whine?  My guess is much of the worlds writing is in the genre, but not much of it makes it to print.”

  “So… adapt it.  A man lost, in search of himself.”

  “Im not sure were allowed to do that.”

  “We?”

  “Men.  My understanding is we found ourselves thousands of years ago and have been living it up ever since.  Women have crises and rush around all over the show seeking themselves but not us, cherub.  We dont have crises.  Were found.  Men dont do that.”

  “Well maybe you should.”  As she spoke the bell rang for last orders and Linda picked up her glass.  “Fancy another?"

  Paul shook his head.  “I didnt much fancy the first.  No… I think I'll just get off."

  "There's a party on afterwards - I'm not sure where yet, but we'll find it.  It'll get you out of yourself.  It beats brooding."

  Paul smiled.  "I won't brood.  Talking's helped - thanks."

  "If you say so...  look, I'll have to get to the bar.  Drop round if youre feeling low tomorrow, okay?"

  "Thanks, Linda.  Otherwise I'll see you next week.  In here again.  I guess.”

  “That, my dear, goes without saying.”  Then, in chorus with Paul Theres fuck all else to do.”

  Paul left the Cromwell and into the night in the hiatus that preceded chucking-out time.  He took a longer route home than necessary, enjoying the peace of the back streets.  It had been a relief to share his thoughts; he tended to shy away from them, feeling guilt at their presence.  He and Sarah between them had betrayed Hannah enough in her brief six years.

  His wandering took him close to the local cemetery, dead now to burials, barely preserved.  It had become a haunt for wildlife, a strange park through which people wandered looking at the shattered gravestones and overgrown mausoleums. 

  For Paul, it was best at night.  He loved night's silence.  Before Hannah's birth he'd sleep through the day and spend the nights wandering and writing, alone and at peace.  It was a habit he often slipped into even now, only now that slippage was accompanied by weekly exhaustion as he struggled to adjust to Hannah's imminent arrival and her more civilised hours.  He was tired now, but the long night stretching ahead was too much temptation. 

  He knew he wouldn't be disturbed in the cemetery.  Sometimes groups of drunken youth would invade it after closing time but their racket gave them away and they were easily avoided.  The occasional solitary weirdo, weirdos like himself, like himself wanted to be left in peace.

  He sat down in a clearing amidst the trees that had sprung up through the years between the graves.  An owl hooted, mournful and continuous.  Something in the undergrowth nearby crashed and scuttled; there were yelps.  Fox cubs perhaps?  Paul had seen foxes in here before.

  There was a cool breeze blowing, welcome refreshment after the Cromwell's fug.  He lay back on the grass and looked up at the stars. 

  After some ten minutes of star gazing the peace was dispelled with the increasing clamour of group of approaching drunks.  Ah well, he was starting to get cold in any case.  He rose with a sigh and made for the exit, away from the encroaching reminder of an English Saturday night.

  Not far from the cemetery, the house that held his flat was itself a haven for wildlife in miniature.  It was an old vicarage, large and rambling, its grounds overgrown.  From his window he could watch squirrels in the trees, cats fighting, even the occasional visiting fox from the cemetery itself.  But the road was only a few yards away, the residents came and went; peace was transient at best. 

  The few abandoned, battered cars that littered the expansive driveway epitomised the house itself.  The landlord did his best, but the tenants... 

  He unlocked the front door to the familiar smell of carelessly used lavatories, stale alcohol and sweat.  One of the residents, Michael, had started taking heroin some years earlier and the house had been plagued with that and alcohol ever since.  From the first he'd been evangelical about the drug, dragging others into his experimentation.  Those that succumbed found with their tempter that the initial pleasure wore rapidly thin as the drug became a necessity and more and more was sacrificed to its demands.  Since then the house had become a focus for pushers, for addicts looking for somewhere to score or, worse, somewhere to live.  The house had developed a reputation, well deserved, for its raucousness, for hysterical arguments out on the street at night, for strange comings and goings.  Flats had been broken into; Paul had added padlocks to the lock on his door. 

  And yet some of the users in the house he'd grown to care for, one in particular desperate to shake off the habit, never quite able to, who would transform day by day from distant and moody through ecstatic to ill as he searched for, took and recovered from the drug he at once loved and hated.

  Paul had had offers but never came close to succumbing.  He had been wary of heroin before he moved into the house; having done so, it was the very people who tried to push the idea of his taking it that turned that wariness into revulsion.  Those that sang the praises of heroin were living proof of its madness.  All Paul asked in the end was that they left him to himself and, on the whole, having given up the idea of him joining them, they had.  It made the house bearable - even pleasant, as now, deserted.  In any case, on income support, he didn't have the money to put down a bond on another flat.  The landlord here hadn't asked for one, the reason he was able to move in after his return from Germany.  Before he'd moved in with her he'd had a wonderful flat, a flat he'd loved, spacious and cheap.  That, along with the records he'd collected from his teenage years onwards, all his books, just about anything he'd owned that had given him a sense of himself were now gone, sold to fund that aborted trip. 

  Still, he was building again he reflected as he pocketed his keys and opened the door.  Things were getting quite homely.  No television - too distracting and besides, he couldn't afford the license - but there was the radio, permanently tuned to Radio 4.  Posters littered the walls, photographs of Hannah, a few of his own stabs at art which probably weren't much good but of which he was proud.  He had plenty of cassettes - mainly spoken word - stored on a shelf to the edge of which he'd pinned notices for various arts events he probably wouldn't get round to attending.  On a large shelf opposite the window was a riot of colour - Hannah's toys awaiting the return of their mistress.

  But pride of place was taken by the desk beneath the window itself, in its drawers a dozen years' work, much of it unfinished, some still nominally in progress.

  In the desk's centre sat the old Remington no one had wanted to buy when he'd sold everything else, his one constant companion on which he'd learned to touch type, through which he'd channelled so many thoughts, so many ideas - his joys in freedom, his fears of impending fatherhood, his love for his child. 

  On an idle whim Paul sat in front of it, wiping dust from its keys.  This - this was the one constant part of him, the one aspect of his identity that had remained unchanged if restricted by the events of the previous six years.  The wiping away of the dust became a meditative stroking as he thought of his rows with Sarah, his love of Hannah, the people in the house throwing their lives away.  As he thought of it all, a familiar nagging began.  Probably another false alarm; still, there was no harm in trying.

  From the pile of paper on his desk he took a sheet and reeled it into the Remington. 

  "Come hither," he muttered.  "Come hither Calliope, Thalia, Euterpe, Erato, Melpomene, Clio.  Come one.  Come all.  But for heavens sake come."

  Expecting nothing, he satHis fingers fell upon their customary places on the keys and

Chapters

1

report abuse

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Lauren Grey wrote 88 days ago

Pete,

I am in no way qualified to comment on any aspects of your work other than from the perspective of a reader. I sought out your book after reading numerous, entertaining and enlightening posts you have on the forums. Therefore, as a reader, I have not only been impressed by your writing and deep characterizations portrayed in the first four chapters but also with your ability to connect the reader emotionally with each character. Your heart and your soul come out as though each of these men lives within you and have used your essence to write their stories, their dreams, hopes, failures and fears. The man creating the man within the man or the six degrees of separation theory, either is a unique and original premise.

I found so many special moments that actually moved me to tears because of the way your words float seamlessly across the page allowing me to become completely immersed in the stories of each of these men’s lives. Paul’s description of his feelings the day Hannah was born and how he knew his life was forever changed. The line that struck me the most in this chapter was, “You can’t just walk away from your child; the worlds not big enough.”Then the final scene, of Paul wiping the dust from the old Remington and creating the men within.

I am intrigued by the recurring tramp who blesses those he passes with the feeling of hope, and how just one fleeting moment of connection with another person can inspire and uplift ones spirit.

The dialogue between Katie and Tom is rich and realistic. I was totally drawn into the scene of their walk to town, and I felt I was walking closely behind this father and daughter listening to an actual conversation. That was a moment of pure writing genius.

Your superior strength as a writer lies in your keen observation of humans, and your own deep sense of self, combined with the innate ability to then translate that acute awareness’s to word and paper, allowing the reader a realistic representation of the raw and often flawed human element with style and simplicity.

I am not looking for a return read, only looking for an extremely well written book to enjoy, and I found one. Thank you for that.

Helianthus wrote 763 days ago

I'm not a man... but I read it anyway, so there. I don't think you should limit your readership in that way, regardless. This is a hell of a read, and I read every word of it. (Er, well no, I didn't actually: I read everything except for chapter 27. Chapter 27 will not load, I tried for half an hour. You may need to fix something.)

I feel like I've been in a marathon. That was the hardest reading I've done in a long, long while. This book is a challenge, because it isn't a single book, it's several books at once. Fair enough. But then you also have the same names floating across the different books. How many Lennys? How many Sophias? How many sets of fathers and children named Tom and Katie? I wanted to scream. I'd never have been able to keep this all straight without the pitch to refer to, reminding me who was writing whom.

But I couldn't stop. The wedding-cake layers of the characters' self discovery kept pulling me in. Your book is such a tease; just as I'd get totally involved in someone - whap! No more of him! Now, a new man, a new issue to learn about. And then, there I'd be, falling in love with a new set of characters, and - whap! New guy! New insight to be amazed by... and you have such insight, such amazing insight.

Two little issues, and you are welcome to ignore them, because you are so vastly better at this than I am - I hardly feel qualified to even say a word. But: In Ch 4, I don't beleive a sink would fill to overflowing that quickly. I know it would take a lot longer for MY sink anyway. And in Ch 6, you say "too many levels" twice in the same paragraph, and then "all too often" twice in rapid succession right after that.

Beautiful writing. I've been avoiding you; I wish I hadn't.

klouholmes wrote 1109 days ago

Chapter One+
Pete Marchetto

Hi Pete, The more I read, the more I wanted to read. The discussion with Linda expressed the emotional issues of writing besides which Paul is good at expressing the problems of the divorced father. How he sees his setting from the cemetery delves and becomes picturesque. The first line – I wonder if many writers ask that. What is their problem? It grabbed me, the sincere portrait and the stark problems of priority. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Jim Darcy wrote 1118 days ago

Ok, so this really got the old brain cells working. Totally lost with the change from Dave to Tom until I read your pitch again. Then I went, "Ah!" and carried on reading. There is not proper designation for nchick lit for blokes 'cos chap lit doesn't quite work. You observe very well and quickly involve your reader in the lives of your characters - so that works!
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Burgio wrote 1117 days ago

CHAPTER ONE
I didn’t know what to expect from this book because your pitch is interesting – but also perplexing (at least it was for me). Fortunately, the book itself is much more straight forward. You have an enjoyable writing style; know how to quickly flesh out your characters. Your dialogue is equally good; always short and I love the Australian accent. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Seringapatam wrote 65 days ago

Pete, Very intelligent writing. You really know how to use words to make the reader feel what you are telling them. You also have a good way with descriptions. You have more hooks than a fishermans box and my goodness you certainly know how to use them. With all this and a magical flow of this book you make it difficult for anyone who has any emotions to put it down. I wish you luck. Brilliant.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you? Many thanks. Sean

MC Storm wrote 71 days ago

I read the first chapter and right away I feel your MC is downhearted. I'm impressed with the writing as it pulls you in, yet it doesn't feel forced. The dialogue with Linda is superb. It flows naturally as though I was sitting right there listening to their conversation.
I really enjoyed your storytelling and will be back to read more.
Well done.
MC
Exposed

Lauren Grey wrote 88 days ago

Pete,

I am in no way qualified to comment on any aspects of your work other than from the perspective of a reader. I sought out your book after reading numerous, entertaining and enlightening posts you have on the forums. Therefore, as a reader, I have not only been impressed by your writing and deep characterizations portrayed in the first four chapters but also with your ability to connect the reader emotionally with each character. Your heart and your soul come out as though each of these men lives within you and have used your essence to write their stories, their dreams, hopes, failures and fears. The man creating the man within the man or the six degrees of separation theory, either is a unique and original premise.

I found so many special moments that actually moved me to tears because of the way your words float seamlessly across the page allowing me to become completely immersed in the stories of each of these men’s lives. Paul’s description of his feelings the day Hannah was born and how he knew his life was forever changed. The line that struck me the most in this chapter was, “You can’t just walk away from your child; the worlds not big enough.”Then the final scene, of Paul wiping the dust from the old Remington and creating the men within.

I am intrigued by the recurring tramp who blesses those he passes with the feeling of hope, and how just one fleeting moment of connection with another person can inspire and uplift ones spirit.

The dialogue between Katie and Tom is rich and realistic. I was totally drawn into the scene of their walk to town, and I felt I was walking closely behind this father and daughter listening to an actual conversation. That was a moment of pure writing genius.

Your superior strength as a writer lies in your keen observation of humans, and your own deep sense of self, combined with the innate ability to then translate that acute awareness’s to word and paper, allowing the reader a realistic representation of the raw and often flawed human element with style and simplicity.

I am not looking for a return read, only looking for an extremely well written book to enjoy, and I found one. Thank you for that.

turtlefly wrote 94 days ago

You've got a fascinating concept here, and after reading the first two chapters, I suspect you pull it off. I assume that with each new "chapter one" the characters move more deeply into the central premise of understanding women and relationships and that their stories, while different, progress? If they just keep spinning around, I have to be honest - I'll wish I had a print version to throw across the room!

That said, I will return to read more. The voice is natural, and the character development is quick and effective. My only concern has been mentioned before. The info-dump in the first chapter is obvious and distracting, especially since the character remarks that it's uncharacteristic and especially, especially since they're in a loud bar. I would imagine more cryptic bits there than a full-on confession.

Otherwise, good work. I think I've filled my shelf with work that is smart and original, so now I look forward to some good reading. Welcome to the shelf!

Andrea Taylor wrote 130 days ago

Very nice. Well, I mean the writing and the way you describe emotions; your dialogue, too. By the end of the first chapter I feel as down as Paul, which is your aim. This doesnt leap out at the reader, but it firmly hooks you in; how will Paul survive and what will happen to him.As the job of a writer is to get the readers attention, job done!
High stars.
Andrea
The de Amerley Affair
I'd appreciate a return read if you have the time.

Sharahzade wrote 386 days ago

CHAPTER ONE
Pete Marchetto

Read Chapter One of Chapter One. I like this, Pete. You really know how to reach into the soul of your characters. I admire that and think this is going to be one awesome read for me. Backing you for your style that I enjoy, as a belated birthday present and just generally because I like you. :)

Mary Enck

patio wrote 406 days ago

This is motivational and entertaining

Kenneth Edward Lim wrote 428 days ago

Pete,
A book on writers, what they have to go through before they can project themselves on paper. Certainly we devote ourselves to our craft with a mandate to "finish your book before your book finishes you" and in a perfect setting could very well get down to it. Unfortunately, as Paul, Dave, Tom and Lenny demonstrate, life intervenes. And the rest is up for grabs. Your writing is mature, your versatility with words in clear evidence. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

lesliethompson wrote 456 days ago

I loved this narrative. It could have gone on and on about the cruelty of camel hair coats and the plight of the common house fly, and I still would have enjoyed it. Sadly, I don't have the time (or the comfortable furniture) to read it all in one sitting, so I'll drop another comment when I'm done.

scargirl wrote 494 days ago

strong writing style and story telling. keep writing.
j
what every woman should know

doubledee wrote 582 days ago

My goodness this is wonderful. It isn't often, when reading something, I come over tearful and it's not because it's sad (it is but...) it's really because the writing is so complete. I can feel you in the writing - you have put everything into it - your heart, your soul ... it's beautiful. It has an energy, a life of it's own ... the words float from the page creating this world around me. I absolutely loved the bit with the father and child and Dave's observations. It is quite clear to me you people watch ... and you do it well because you write it well.

I've read two chapters but I will finish this - it's too good not to.

Michelle

Sandie Zand wrote 605 days ago

This is strong stuff - complex, ambitious and intriguing. I love stories in stories. Can it sustain over a novel? I suspect so, for the reader prepared to be challenged, but it proves too dark a read for me currently (a personal thing, no reflection on the work) and so I've read the first few chapters on and off over the past week or so and then just dipped into others for a peep.

Characters - the whats and whys of human action - and dialogue are your strong points. This I've noticed from reading your short stories too. Setting, less so, I think, though this isn't a criticism as such - the danger being that this affects pace... it can become relentless to tromp from head to head of these screwed up individuals and their conversations.

But, as I say, strong stuff and worth a shelf spot.

Catherine Edmunds wrote 616 days ago

Good title and cover art; excellent and unusual short pitch. Long pitch is also very distinctive, though to end it saying that this is a 'wry post-feminist romance' is possibly not the best hook. Not to worry. I'm sufficiently intrigued to read on.

I'm now going to write an essay on your first line. You'd probably sooner I wrote a paragraph on the whole book, but can't be helped. I've been staring at that opening sentence for several minutes trying to work out what's wrong, and I've come up with a few ideas. First of all, the way you've worded it, the opening could have been written by a primary school kid. This impression is purely down to the speech tag. 'Paul wondered' is unnecessary. Okay, Paul has said "Why am I here?" rather than "I wonder why I am here" but the meaning is the same, so if you imagine the opening as '"I wonder why I am here," Paul wondered.' you'll see the problem. It's tautology. What are the alternatives? You could use a so-called 'invisible' speech tag. This would give you: '"Why am I here?" said Paul.' That's okay; not bad in fact, though the best solution, in my view, would be to drop the tag in its entirety. Just leave it as "Why am I here?" I'm assuming you didn't do this because you wanted to get Paul's name in as soon as possible, but you can slip it into the next paragraph easily enough. '... it was a question Paul mused over...' That gets your wondering in via the 'musing'.

Openings are notoriously difficult. Get the opening sentence wrong, and you've lost the reader.

I'll now cease my nitpicking and read some of the story. No I won't. Now then: this is something I'm not sure about. In the next bit of direct speech, you've written, "'scuze me mate." ie no capital letter because you're using an apostrophe for the missing 'E', but it looks wrong to me. I'd use a capital 'S' despite the apostrophe. I've no idea whether that is right or wrong, and don't have a reference book to check. Okay, I could Google it... no, that didn't work. Couldn't find the specific point. Not to worry. I'll assume you're correct.

Reading on...

Risky to start with what is effectively an info-dump, but it works. The stuff he tells Linda should possibly be 'shown' rather than 'told', but sometimes a great big lump of telling works fine. I think it does here. I like the description of the flat, and the end of the chapter is inspired.

I've read the next section as well. I think the balance is slightly off in this chapter: the section with the father and child is a little too long. Needs tightening. The awkward dialogue with Lenny works well. Sonia is perfectly ghastly. What the hell does Dave see in her? I do hope there are some sympathetic females somewhere in this book.

General impression: the writing is very fluent and comfortable and remarkably typo-free (apart from 'canvas', which needs one 's' not two). I get the impression the book has an unusual but probably very effective structure. It's one that I may well return to, so it's going on my watch list, despite the fact that I'm a totally rabid feminist. At least I'm one with a sense of humour ;-)

Thanks for the read.

Helianthus wrote 763 days ago

I'm not a man... but I read it anyway, so there. I don't think you should limit your readership in that way, regardless. This is a hell of a read, and I read every word of it. (Er, well no, I didn't actually: I read everything except for chapter 27. Chapter 27 will not load, I tried for half an hour. You may need to fix something.)

I feel like I've been in a marathon. That was the hardest reading I've done in a long, long while. This book is a challenge, because it isn't a single book, it's several books at once. Fair enough. But then you also have the same names floating across the different books. How many Lennys? How many Sophias? How many sets of fathers and children named Tom and Katie? I wanted to scream. I'd never have been able to keep this all straight without the pitch to refer to, reminding me who was writing whom.

But I couldn't stop. The wedding-cake layers of the characters' self discovery kept pulling me in. Your book is such a tease; just as I'd get totally involved in someone - whap! No more of him! Now, a new man, a new issue to learn about. And then, there I'd be, falling in love with a new set of characters, and - whap! New guy! New insight to be amazed by... and you have such insight, such amazing insight.

Two little issues, and you are welcome to ignore them, because you are so vastly better at this than I am - I hardly feel qualified to even say a word. But: In Ch 4, I don't beleive a sink would fill to overflowing that quickly. I know it would take a lot longer for MY sink anyway. And in Ch 6, you say "too many levels" twice in the same paragraph, and then "all too often" twice in rapid succession right after that.

Beautiful writing. I've been avoiding you; I wish I hadn't.

ClaireLyman wrote 771 days ago

I love the concept of this! Have watch-listed it...

jllove wrote 833 days ago

From the beginning. I was particularly impressed with Daves view of Father and daughter, the love between a parent and child that is not constrained by dignity. The tramp and the univerasl humannes shared in a simple smile was stellar.Trying desperately to finish my own work but this is a piece worth returning to over and over again during breaks.

Claire Moran wrote 890 days ago

Hello there,
So I note that you don't like people being all nice about your work, and seeing as you've had lots of great comments, I should see if you're true to your word....
I did like it actually, so don't expect a mauling. I read through the first chapter and a few things did came to mind. The biggest mind pop being: he'll have to do something pretty bloody impressive to get away with this, writers writing about how hard it is to write is a hard one. If it goes well, great, but if not, then it's self-indulgence. I guess my second worry was, is this going to go down the men being done in by the world route? I liked the idea about men not getting to find themselves, and I agree that its no more fun to have a prescription as a man than a woman, but you could quickly fall into being bitter, and as a member of type lady, that would be annoying.
I liked your descriptions, it made me think of my own sweet bedsit and local.
Anyways, I suppose I'll annoy you with these comments when I have made them glibly after the first chapter, but I've always been of the opinion that one should open the mouth and let things fall out until someone stops you.
All the best,
Claire

Panaxus wrote 1077 days ago

You've captured the essence of some witers. Since we're all writers, we should know what spins round in their temples. You're giving us a good crack at it. Backed,

Stephan Zimmermann (panaxu)
NO RAPTURE

klouholmes wrote 1109 days ago

Chapter One+
Pete Marchetto

Hi Pete, The more I read, the more I wanted to read. The discussion with Linda expressed the emotional issues of writing besides which Paul is good at expressing the problems of the divorced father. How he sees his setting from the cemetery delves and becomes picturesque. The first line – I wonder if many writers ask that. What is their problem? It grabbed me, the sincere portrait and the stark problems of priority. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Andrew Burans wrote 1112 days ago

Your pitch drew me in and then your strong command of the English Language coupled with your descriptive writing style kept me reading. Your use of imagery is excellent, the dialogue is tight and authentic and your character development is solid, I especially like Paul, all make your finely crafted novel a pleasure to read. Backed

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

name falied moderation wrote 1114 days ago

Pete very original and had to think for a moment. But very interesting read and the characters are amazingly portrayed. Colourful with a very interesting use of dialogue which you are ease with. I have not read it all but have BACKED and then will put on my WL to continue. BEST of luck. Would you read some of my work non-fiction and that is what makes this site so interesting , the diversity. And if you would comment so I may grow as a writer I would be so happy.

Denise

name falied moderation wrote 1114 days ago

Pete very original and had to think for a moment. But very interesting read and the characters are amazingly portrayed. Colourful with a very interesting use of dialogue which you are ease with. I have not read it all but have BACKED and then will put on my WL to continue. BEST of luck. Would you read some of my work non-fiction and that is what makes this site so interesting , the diversity. And if you would comment so I may grow as a writer I would be so happy.

Denise

SusieGulick wrote 1115 days ago

Dear Pete, I love that Tom "will write more love stories" - I can hardly wait - the letter was impressive - glad you put it in. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

yasmin esack wrote 1115 days ago

I am adding to my shef for it's origmality and depth. Great style and clever writing . You communicate well
Backed
The Lord of the dawn

Burgio wrote 1117 days ago

CHAPTER ONE
I didn’t know what to expect from this book because your pitch is interesting – but also perplexing (at least it was for me). Fortunately, the book itself is much more straight forward. You have an enjoyable writing style; know how to quickly flesh out your characters. Your dialogue is equally good; always short and I love the Australian accent. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Jim Darcy wrote 1118 days ago

Ok, so this really got the old brain cells working. Totally lost with the change from Dave to Tom until I read your pitch again. Then I went, "Ah!" and carried on reading. There is not proper designation for nchick lit for blokes 'cos chap lit doesn't quite work. You observe very well and quickly involve your reader in the lives of your characters - so that works!
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

1