Book Jacket

 

rank 537
word count 19416
date submitted 02.06.2010
date updated 10.07.2011
genres: Fantasy, Young Adult
classification: moderate
incomplete

Death & Magic

Steven J Pemberton

The only thing worse than having to figure out which of your new teachers is a murderer is becoming the next victim.

 

(This book was previously known as A Wizard's Daughter.)

Apprentice wizard Adramal wants nothing more than to be a healer. But when she moves to a new school to complete her training, she discovers that several ritual murders have been committed by magic, threatening the fabric of the world. The evidence points to the killer being one of Adramal’s teachers, and the City Watch recruit her to go undercover to unmask the murderer.

The task is more daunting than she anticipated – for apprentices are forbidden from using magic outside the classrooms. Hands tied, she turns to Perinar, the shy librarian whose dusty volumes might hold the secret of the reason for the killings. But can she find what she needs before the killer strikes again or – worse – without blowing her cover and putting her own life in danger?

The book is on sale in the Kindle Store - http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0059HBSRI for UK readers and http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0059HBSRI for the USA. It's also on Smashwords at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/72540

Visit http://www.pembers.net/wd/ for bonus material - maps, a calendar and a timetable.

 
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tags

fantasy, magic, murder, mystery

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Chapter 1

    Apprentice Adramal washed the blood from her hands and stood up. The spell fussed around her as it dissipated, white tendrils retreating like mist before the sun. The young farmer she’d just healed stared at his forearm, poking at where the gash from the ploughshare had been.

    "A miracle," he whispered. "Thank you."

    Adramal tutted. "We don’t do miracles here. Only magic." She dipped a cloth in the water bowl and handed it to him. "Clean yourself, then rest for about a watch." She gestured to the row of mattresses at the far end of the infirmary, where several of the morning’s patients were recuperating. "After that, you can go home."

    He sat up, looking ready to wrestle a bear as he scrubbed his arm. "I feel fine. My wife will be waiting for me."

    Adramal shook her head. Most patients were like this the first time they’d been healed by a wizard. "You feel fine now. The spell uses some of your reserves of strength to speed the healing." She must’ve drawn out more than she needed. Judging the right amount was a skill she still needed to master. "That’s what’s rushing around your body at the moment. It’ll wear off soon, and you’ll probably fall asleep."

    "Ah. Wouldn’t want that to happen on the way home, would I?"

    "No." She covered her mouth to hide a yawn - the spell had taken a good deal of her own strength too. "Would you excuse me, please? I have a class to go to. If you need anything, just ask any of the other apprentices."

    Adramal walked past the rows of beds towards the door. The infirmary was quiet - only about a third of the places were occupied. A faint white haze hung over the scene - the remnants of all the spells that had been cast here today. The teachers said it was a sign of her skill that she could sometimes see magic without needing a spell of her own to sense it, but Adramal found it annoying, like someone dropping a veil over her face at random intervals.

    At the door, Adramal met Teshan, one of the teachers and a member of the Academy’s Council. She was a kindly old woman, in charge of the healing classes, and the closest thing Adramal had to a favourite among the staff. Adramal smiled and nodded to her, and stood aside to let her enter.

    Teshan didn’t smile back. "I was looking for you. Would you come with me, please?" She strode across the square towards the side where the teachers’ houses stood.

    "What’s this about, Lady?" Adramal asked as she followed.

    "A private matter," Teshan said without looking back.

    At those words, something - Adramal tried not to think of it as someone - stirred at the bottom of her mind. I don’t like the sound of that, it said. The thing resembled a girl of about eight, tousle-haired and barefoot. It wore a grubby dress and clutched a crude wooden doll. Adramal had no idea what the creature really was, but its appearance made it hard not to think of it as "she." She had wandered uninvited into Adramal’s mind when Adramal was eight, which perhaps accounted for her apparent age. She deflected or refused to answer questions about herself, giving only a name - Lelsarin. She had told Adramal not to tell anyone else about her. Since she seemed not to be harmful, and was occasionally useful, Adramal respected her wishes.

    I doubt it’s anything you need to worry about, Adramal replied. Probably another of the village girls has found out the hard way how babies are made.

    Teshan always smiles when she sees you.

    You think I’ve broken a rule, then?

    Maybe. What day is it?

    Sujas. Lelsarin frequently claimed not to know what day or even what fortnight it was, saying she preferred sleep to observing the details of Adramal’s life. And yet she often spoke in response to something Adramal had just witnessed, suggesting that she observed a good deal more than she admitted.

    Then in that case, no, said Lelsarin. Sujas’ Day is Galbreth’s turn to be punished for breaking rules no one told him about.

    Very funny. Go back to sleep.

    They passed Teshan’s house and stopped outside the one Adramal shared with her father. The interior was dark - Father would be teaching the second-year apprentices this morning. Teshan gestured for Adramal to enter. She did, wondering if this might be some complicated trap. But no - Teshan was a strong enough wizard to have no need of subterfuge if she wanted to restrain or punish an apprentice.

    "Make light for us, please," said Teshan as she came in.

    Adramal took a deep breath and sought a calm place within her mind. Familiar thoughts came together, interlocking like the pieces of a puzzle. Magic could not be forced to obey, only guided in the right direction. She’d taken a long time to learn that, as all apprentices did - doing without trying, a teacher had called it. Father, of course, had expected her to come into the Academy already knowing most of what they taught in the first couple of years, as if knowledge could be inherited. The spell’s final thought clicked into place, and a fist-sized ball of white light appeared at Adramal’s shoulder.

    Teshan sat down, as if this was her house, and Adramal merely a guest. She indicated the other chair - the one Father normally sat in. Reluctantly, Adramal pulled it out from the table. It had moulded itself to his shape over the years, and felt as though it was trying to shrug her off.

    "I want to talk to you about your future at the Academy," said Teshan.

    Adramal’s stomach clenched. "My future?" she croaked, surprised at how dry her mouth had suddenly become.

    Teshan leaned over to pat Adramal’s hand. "It’s nothing like that. Well - perhaps it is. It’s about your father. It’s no secret you don’t get on with him."

    Adramal relaxed. "That’s like calling snow a bit cool."

    Teshan gave a little smile. "Several of the Council, myself included, were opposed to your becoming an apprentice here."

    "‘Just because she’s a wizard’s daughter doesn’t mean she’ll be a good wizard herself,’" Adramal said, repeating the words Father had relayed to her after his first failure at getting her admitted at the age of nine. Even now, a few apprentices thought she hadn’t earned her place.

    Teshan nodded, and a shadow crossed her face. "We were wrong about that. But we think his desire to make you the kind of wizard he wants is preventing your being the best wizard you can be."

    "My apprenticeship will be over in two years, and then I can do whatever I want." She’d considered going east or south to find a village that needed a healer, though she had a nasty suspicion Father would insist she stay here and marry the strongest male apprentice.

    "Someone in Kyer Altamar has established another school for wizards."

    Adramal sat back, blinking. "They have?" Almost by definition, there was only one. Another would be like a second sun.

    "The Council has decided to send you there." She took a piece of paper from an inside pocket, folded and sealed. "This is a letter of introduction for you to present to their Council."

    "Oh." Adramal folded her arms. Fear and hope rolled over her, like clouds gathering before a storm. Their confused tangle wrapped around the spell in her mind, pushing and pulling it apart. Her light went out. As she calmed herself to cast the spell again, Teshan made a light of her own.

    Teshan leaned forward, a concerned look on her face. "Don’t you have anything to say? I thought you’d be pleased."

    "I..." Adramal toyed with a lock of her hair. Black, like Father’s. Why did she have to look so much like him? "I suppose I am, it’s just... unexpected. And... Kyer Altamar. It’ll take two seasons just to get there."

    "More like two fortnights," said Teshan. "A traders’ caravan will pass through here later today. You can ride with them to the Aglos, and then a barge will take you downstream to the city. They’ll be glad to have a wizard with them, especially one as good at healing as you."

    "Don’t I get any say in the matter?"

    "No," Teshan said with a wry grin. "You and your father are a problem that’s vexed the Council ever since you started here. It seemed the only solution was to separate you, but that wasn’t possible. Now it is, and we’re not going to let either of you get in the way."

    "I see. Somehow I don’t think I’m the one you’ll have to convince."

    As if on cue, a voice within Adramal’s mind shouted her name. Moments later, she heard someone running towards the house. The footsteps stopped, and Father stood in the doorway, leaning on the frame, panting hard. His thoughts sounded inside her head. There you are. Why didn’t you answer? I’ve just heard some... some unbelievable news.

    Adramal looked at him impassively, waiting for him to remember his manners and start speaking aloud.

    "Alesin," Teshan said, standing up, "I trust you’ve been informed of the Council’s decision?"

    "Yes, I -" He looked at Teshan, seeming to notice her for the first time. His eyes glistened in her light. Had he actually been crying? Adramal couldn’t remember ever seeing him weep - not even when Mother died. He took a couple of paces towards Teshan. "How could you do this to me? To us? How dare you?"

    "Alesin," said Teshan with a weary sigh, "this matter is not open for discussion. You’ve had five years to convince us you were right. The Council has been extraordinarily patient with you, but our patience has run out."

    "But... Kyer Altamar, of all places," said Father, his fists clenching. "The headquarters of the Church of Mathran."

    "They’ve obviously weakened since you were there. Otherwise the local wizards couldn’t defy them so openly by founding a school. And Adramal has done very well in the self-defence classes."

    Father opened his mouth to speak, and then seemed to think better of it. His voice echoed within her mind. So this is goodbye, then. I hope you’ll come back and visit some day, when your apprenticeship is over.

    Adramal stood up. "Farewell, Father." Although she had long looked forward to being able to say that, she was surprised to feel a lump in her throat.

    He embraced her roughly, pinning her arms to her sides. You could do me the courtesy of mindspeaking, just this once. His breathing was ragged, the side of his face damp against her neck. She couldn’t help but admire his strength. Most wizards couldn’t hold even a simple spell together when they were this upset, never mind one as complex as mindspeech.

    It couldn’t hurt, just this once. She smoothed over the surface of her mind, clearing a space for the spell to come together.

    Again, farewell, she said. I’ll try not to get on the wrong side of the priests, and I’ll remember what you and the others have taught me. As she spoke, Lelsarin stirred at the bottom of her mind. She’d have to keep the conversation brief, for fear that Father would notice her.

    Be careful, her father said. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. I - I know I don’t do a very good job of showing it, but I’m proud of you. Your mother would’ve been, too.

    What else was there to say? She cancelled the spell and pushed herself out of his arms.

    "I... my class will be wondering where I am," he said. He turned and left, walking like a mourner at a funeral. Adramal watched him to see if he’d look back. He didn’t.

    "I should start packing," she said. "The caravan will be here soon." She looked around the half of the house that was hers. Packing wouldn’t take long. Strange to think she might never see this place again. She doubted she would miss it.

Chapters

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Gordon Long wrote 668 days ago

Dear Steve,

It is a pleasure to see a book on Authonomy which is so smoothly written and well-edited. Since it's already published, I think you're going to get limited use from comments here, but I'll try anyway.

I really got caught up in the story early, and you carried me all the way through. Adramal is a great main character, and the conflict is believable, the suspense generally good. I appreciate the way you keep the magic under control.

If one element of the story bothered me, it was her relationship with Perinar. In the first place, his character is only shown superficially, in spite of the fact that we see him so much. We don't get a really good idea of who he is and what motivates him. I was particularly disappointed in the letter he wrote her at the end (I've read the whole story) which didn't sound like a lover worthy of her at all. (Of course, that may have been your intention. We won't know until we get the sequel). Also, you missed the opportunity to create some tension through their "affair". It was so easy for them to get together, and there was such little action or sexual tension between them that after a while I started skipping through their "love scenes" to get back to the murder mystery.

If you want me to get really picky, I found your names difficult. I don't know if you have seen the research that says people read by first and last letters, and the letters in between can be mixed up any old way. In that respect, I found "Adramal" to be so close to "Admiral" that I never did get it straight. I think there's a limit to how imaginative you should get with names. Even in a fantasy world, they really need to sound like names. If you get too creative, they start looking like nonsense syllables, and they distract us from the story, rather than adding to its richness.

In general, though, I really enjoyed this book. I read it through at one sitting!

Gordon A. Long
"Sarasha the Lame"

B A Morton wrote 821 days ago

Steven,
From your pitch I assumed Adramal to be younger than she actually was, and was pleasantly surprised at how acomplished and determined, she turned out to be. I read to the end of ch5 and found this very entertaining, with interesting characters (with names that roll off the tongue, which sometimes doesn't happen in fantasy) The plot is intriguing and Adramal's motivation for getting involved believable. Leslarin and her fear of the Mark adds another dimension, I'm imagining all kinds of reasons for that. A well written story which encourages the reader to continue. One question, from someone who doesn't read a lot of fantasy, Wizards can't use magic to kill...I get that, but could she not have used magic to replenish her funds? rated and on my W/L Best of luck with this.

Babs

fletcherkovich wrote 1029 days ago

Steven--

Great blend of mind imagination and pen.

This book will definitely pull every reader's interest to read and discover the mystery and the thrill in your story.
Your story furnishes us with a magnificient plot and fascinating characters. Characterization and narrative technique are polished. It is clear that you have put a great deal of effort into your writing, are committed to your content and serious about the development of your craft. What I like about Authonomy is that it allows writers, of all abilities, to share their work with other keen writers and readers, work that might not otherwise become published—and not necessarily for any reasons related to literary merit. I have backed your book since I felt that your efforts deserve my backing.
Best of luck with your writing.

FLETCH
STORIES FROM A LEAKING MIND

DP Walker wrote 1061 days ago

Hi Steven
I really like your idea of combining a wizard story with a murder/mystery thriller. It has a really great flow to it and you can find yourself half way through the chapters without realising it. I think you've also got the balance of language right for the genre. At first glance, people may think it's another Harry Potter but once you delve deeper, you can see this is quite an original idea with lots of great hooks and is a clever piece or work.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A Knight wrote 1068 days ago

Not all wizard stories should be compared to HP< which was by no means the first "magic school" story and will not be the last. This has more intelligence that the Harry Potter novels, and drawing comparisons on such a theme-like basis is pointless. Here we have fresh, exciting characters, strong writing and an engaging premise.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Tod Schneider wrote 257 days ago

Delightful tale! Reminded me just a bit of the Midwife's Apprentice. Your writing overall is stellar, with nothing looking out of place at all. You launch the story perfectly, with an interesting, active scene that grabs the reader. And of course, for young readers, the plot is compelling. Although I myself do suffer from adult onset ADD, I did stick through this long enough that I can say with confidence it's truly great kids lit.
That's my genre too, so if you'd care to do so, please visit the Lost Wink as well.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

rikasworld wrote 345 days ago

I really enjoyed this and found myself reading everything you had uploaded. It's very professional writing, good dialogue and nothing spoilt the read for me. The plot is exciting, a great idea having a murder mystery involved. and the healing is cleverly described. I like Adramal's character and view point and her 'inner child'. The only thing that I wondered was what had happened to the school she was going to as it hasn't figured so far and she has settled down as a healer and then been persuaded to travel back to the city.
Thanks for a very enjoyable read. I secretly enjoy the young adult books here more than anything! High stars. Is this downloadable to kindle anywhere? I'm just about to get one and I'd like to read on.
PS Ah, I see that it is on Amazon. Great!

Wanttobeawriter wrote 507 days ago

DEATH & MAGIC
I liked the way you begin this story by having Adramal heal someone with her magic; a good way to introduce she has such abilities without having to explain it. Overall, she’s a good character; she’s feisty yet sympathetic because she’s being sent away against her wishes. I think you’ll find a Harry Potter audience for this; it’s like that series in that your main character is a student of magic, yet different because your main character is female. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Mega Man wrote 649 days ago

great find, great read, well written, great characters ... oh its for sale ... i might have to buy a copy.

D M Sharples wrote 666 days ago

Steven,

I arrived at your work through the Alliance of Worldbuilders' thread. I noticed your name, and can only assume you are the same Steven Pemberton that frequents the B&A section of a certain website I am known to wander into, in fact the same person whom I was happy to see answered a question of mine on exposition only a couple of days ago. The virtual world is no bigger than the real one, it would seem.

Anyway, onto the comments. I've read the first two chapters thus far and what can I say? Absolutely superb. Though I do read and comment with an aim to encouraging others to return the favour, I do so equally for the enjoyment I gain from offering advice and constructive criticism. But with this I struggle to find anything that warrants such comments. Structurally it is spot-on. Dialogue and narrative; both perfect...If there is anything in terms of technical ability in here to criticise it is beyond my knowledge as a writer to see. I could perhaps argue for a touch more exposition (I do so like it) but is it really necessary? No.

There are but two minor points I can raise, both relating to believability (for want of a better term), and both in chapter 2. First, the small part that mentions the barge crew informing Adramal that the tavern is a place to gain information; she is familiar with taverns as a concept and so logic suggests she would determine the usefulness of such a place herself.
The other point is that you mention she has been warned against the consumption of alcohol, then shortly afterwards describe the beer she drinks as maltier than she is used to. Given the former, I'd assume she is not 'used to' any kind of beer.

That's all I offer, other than to say that this is going on my bookshelf and I shall certainly be finishing it. If I do see anything else I feel warrants a helpful comment, I will add another.

D M Sharples.

Gordon Long wrote 668 days ago

Dear Steve,

It is a pleasure to see a book on Authonomy which is so smoothly written and well-edited. Since it's already published, I think you're going to get limited use from comments here, but I'll try anyway.

I really got caught up in the story early, and you carried me all the way through. Adramal is a great main character, and the conflict is believable, the suspense generally good. I appreciate the way you keep the magic under control.

If one element of the story bothered me, it was her relationship with Perinar. In the first place, his character is only shown superficially, in spite of the fact that we see him so much. We don't get a really good idea of who he is and what motivates him. I was particularly disappointed in the letter he wrote her at the end (I've read the whole story) which didn't sound like a lover worthy of her at all. (Of course, that may have been your intention. We won't know until we get the sequel). Also, you missed the opportunity to create some tension through their "affair". It was so easy for them to get together, and there was such little action or sexual tension between them that after a while I started skipping through their "love scenes" to get back to the murder mystery.

If you want me to get really picky, I found your names difficult. I don't know if you have seen the research that says people read by first and last letters, and the letters in between can be mixed up any old way. In that respect, I found "Adramal" to be so close to "Admiral" that I never did get it straight. I think there's a limit to how imaginative you should get with names. Even in a fantasy world, they really need to sound like names. If you get too creative, they start looking like nonsense syllables, and they distract us from the story, rather than adding to its richness.

In general, though, I really enjoyed this book. I read it through at one sitting!

Gordon A. Long
"Sarasha the Lame"

Gordon Long wrote 668 days ago

Dear Steven,

I read your upload, immediately backed the book, then went on Smashwords and bought it. Is that a good enough endorsment? I'll be back with comments when I've finished the whole thing

Gordon Long
"Sarasha the Lame"

Joshua Jacobs wrote 675 days ago

This is an excellent way to start a fantasy novel. You do a great job avoiding the infamous infodump by dropping your reader right into the world and giving subtle information through the events in the story, shaping the world around Adramal with ease. In the process, you introduce several questions that encourage your readers to keep going.

Adramal is a great character. There's a lot of solid characterization early on. I like the fact that her gift of sensing magic annoys her. This makes her easier to relate to. I'm also fascinated by the voice in her head. Seeing things from two perspectives ought to make for an interesting story. Her attitude toward her father is something most teens will be able to connect with as well.

I like that you take us through the process of summoning magic. So many novels it involves just a flick of the wrist or a simple thought and it's there. I like the fact there's more to it, some level of strain.

You write with a strong voice, especially when Lelsarin is sharing her thoughts. I particularly liked the line, "Probably another of the village girls has found out the hard way how babies are made." I wonder if there are more opportunities to work in this humorous voice?

While the first chapter isn't the most exciting I've read, there's enough here to keep a reader interested. I like the foreshadowed conflict with the Church of Mathran and the whole idea of a new school for wizards. I also like the conflict between Adramal and her father. There's obvious tension there, yet he appears to love her. This looks to be an intriguing subplot.

There is some very accomplished, polished writing in this. I typically keep track of suggestions and typos, and by the time I reached the end of chapter one, I had almost nothing written down.

Suggestions: This is so well done, my only suggestions are nitpicky. Is "impassively" necessary? Is there a better way to end chapter one? Maybe a stronger hook? A major revelation? Right now I want to read on because the storyline and writing is so strong, but you might consider a stronger hook for the more reluctant reader (we all know there are a lot of them in the target audience).

This is an outstanding, polished opening. I could easily see this being published, and I'm curious to see where this is going. While I can see people making the connection between this and Harry Potter due to the school for wizards, the similarities end there. This isn't anything like Harry Potter. Highly rated and recommended! I'll be back for more.

On a side note, I prefer the new title over the old one. Nice choice!

Crispy wrote 696 days ago

Hi Steven

I spotted your book on the shelf of another writer and was intrigued by the pitch. Whilst the genre is now familiar, this seemed fresh and lively. Just the right amount of intrigue to make the reader want to read on more. I am presuming at this stage that Leslarin is Adramal's familiar....or is this part of her own psyche? Anyway, she adds another dimension, though whether friend or foe, it's difficult to say at the moment.

Good luck
By the way, perhaps you would care to take a glance at Marking Time, a satire on the English Education system, with an otter.

Crispy

Jay Adiyarath wrote 699 days ago

Hi Stephen,

Greta short pitch and an even better synopsis. We tend to compare the narrative to Harry Potter which is actually not fair on you, but then you have captured the reader's imagination and that counts more. There are many names like Tagahra, Lelsarin and Marik and places like Kyturil which are unfamiliar to me and tough to follow but I take them for face value and am sure things will become clear as I read on.

If it were made into a movie, half the screenplay is already done. Such descriptions need to be commended.
For now I have starred it highly and placed it on my WL.
Soon to be backed. (I have a suggestion: the cover could be re-done.)

All the best.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Jacoba wrote 704 days ago

Hi Steven,
I read the first five chapters of this enchanting story. Magical is the word I would use. This is nothing like Harry Potter, it has its own flavour which is distinct and intriguing. From the get to we are introduced to not one but two main characters within one. I have never read a book with the MC being two seperate characters. A very novel idea. I liked both of them and think this provides some real depth and insights to the inner working of both Adramal and Leslarin.
The plot of the murders leads this away from being just pure fantasy with a mystery to solve. Opening the narrative up for lovers of other genres. The writing for me flowed nicely with the right mix of descriptions to paint a vivid picture without boring me with finer details that are often irrelevant to the story.
I am happy to shelve this in the coming weeks, I think this deserves to go far, you are obviously an accomplished writer with a great story to tell, I don't know what the publishers are waiting for.
Great Job,
Cheers Jacoba- I don't star anymore, but for what its worth this would definitely get 6.

Roman N Marek wrote 717 days ago

I read the first six chapters. The story shows nice imagination and originality. I’m not a reader of fantasy, so it took me a little to get into as the pace is quite relaxed. My favourite parts were the descriptions of the spells and how Adramal was able to “see” them – not something I’ve seen done in this way before: the spell on the cell in the prison, the magic method of healing, and the invisible ink spell. The story was most interesting in the interrogation scene in Ch.4, although I wasn’t left with a burning interest in the mystery of the murders after it. Maybe a little more information about the murders, their significance and remaining threat might help. I must admit I am not a fan of Harry Potter (which this has been compared to), but I found this more interesting. (Not sure if that’s a good or a bad sign as I’m clearly a rubbish judge!)
This is the third book on here that I’ve read with a second mind inside the MC’s head. What makes this one interesting is that she is secretive and uncooperative.
I spotted a couple of minor mistakes. In Ch.3 a para from Ch.1 is repeated: “The thing looked and sounded ...” A typo in Ch.6: “got used to horse’s rhythm” should be “got used to the horse’s rhythm”.
Good luck with this

JupiterGirl wrote 729 days ago

Hi Steven! What more can be said about your engaging, flowing, work that hasn't already been said? This is a highly polished gem! Adramal is a fabulous protagonist and I think anyone with an affinity for fantasy would be eager to keep turning to pages to uncover her story. I know I am! Shelved, highly rated and the best of luck for this excellent story. I'm looking forward to reading on. JupiterGirl (Twins of the Astral Plane)

Will Macmillan Jones wrote 733 days ago



The Wizard’s Daughter Steve Pemberton


Hi Steve, here is my Alliance of Worldbuilders crit. The usual disclaimers apply, it’s just my deranged ramblings so ignore anything you don’t like.

Not that there is likely to be much here. I liked the short pitch. I did think that the long pitch could come down by half the size, but that’s just me.

This is a well written, imaginative work. As soon as the words magic and school are linked, the shade of Harry Potter lumbers to mind, but your work is far from that. Your dialogue felt natural, and the characters were immediately believable, with real and understandable emotions. The magical side to the characters comes out naturally, without forced effort.

I had only a few niggles. Adramal – I couldn’t easily fix her age in my head, as her behaviour slipped a bit from young to mature too quickly. The ‘Council’ could do with a little elucidation. Who are they, and what power do they hold over the community? Is that power over magical and non magical alike?

When Adramal is sent off, she has little money. Should she not become worried out that on the barge? Why is she sent off without explicit directions on how to reach the other school? And why is she not properly warned about the priests and their dangers before she goes?

Why does the City Watch, which seems to have legal rights and powers even with the priests, not interfere with the questioning of a minor and insist that her claim of being newly arrived be considered at once? When accused of being complicit in the murders, why does Adramal not make more of her recent arrival, and more of her being a healer?

I would have liked a few more hints over Lelsarin as well. Clearly not everyone has an extra person living inside them ( well, I do but I’m not supposed to!), and a few dark hints as to her genesis and purpose wouldn’t go amiss.

These are only minor points though. Your writing flowed well, and the descriptions fitted the genre well, creating a tension from the start. My only real complaint would be that as this doesn’t feel like a YA work, a bit more darkness wouldn’t go amiss.

Your length seems spot on, and I hope that the query letters have been going out.

A nice work.

Will

Naphilia wrote 736 days ago

... I cried... oh, why did he have to leave?!
I quite liked the end though. A bit of a twist on the happy ending - even though it wasn't much of a 'happy' ending, was it?
This is a brilliant story. It grabbed me in its magical iron fist and I didn't move from my laptop for five hours reading it! Adramal's an excellent character, and everything's pieced together beautifully. It's gripping from start to finish. The mystery's great - you never give too much away at one time, and I totally never thought of it being... who it was ;) I won't give it away, don't worry! I LOVE Leslarin. She's such a good idea, absolutely classic. The different Gods are good and the dark Zorian intrigues me... you never really get to the bottom of him... and he's never actually involved... how annoying! But such a smart idea at the same time. Hooks in abundance.

Love. This.
SHELVED!!!

Amy
x

Diane60 wrote 738 days ago

Steven,
Have read the whole 45 chapters. I like the world you have created and the characters. I do have one teeny weeny little niggle and that is a woman would never ever wish she was a man. (unless she was actually a man in a womans body). The idea that because of period pain a woman would wish that is acutally quite insulting and obviously what men think that we go through is a 'nothing' and we shouldn't moan.....
sorry for the mini rant there but it was so out of character for your main character to spout and what kind of message does that send to your audience? Seriously you need to change that.
Apart from this i could see this being a multi part series very easily.
:)
Diane

Su Dan wrote 741 days ago

good story, written well. effective,story-telling style writting, fluid too... we've had harry potter, but this different...this is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Bradley Wind wrote 743 days ago

A WIZARD'S DAUGHTER

COVER: Hm...well...its graphic but doesn't really convey much of anything specific. Cartoon sun? pointy ring? Ship steering wheel? The font is v basic and could use a little magic. With your illustration skills I'm surprised not to see one of your figures on this?

TITLE: Its okay...not a huge draw but I think for YA it might be alright...still not a title that says "PICK ME UP!"

SHORT PITCH: Good! Has me moving into the LP to see what else is in store.

LONG PITCH: not crazy about the name Adramal...especially for a girl/female...it sounds male to me. Other than that...I think this is also v good, although I'm not sure it says YA to me enough.

TEXT:

Reflexively - wc?

I like the setup you've done here, but I'm wishing for more...pizzazz really. As an opener I kind of feel like...okay so she's off on an educational romp to a land her father doesn't really want her to go. So far I know she can make a ball of light and has some skills at protecting herself but...yes...I mean...why do I really care about this girl?
I'm sort of interested in her skills developing but the place she's heading...doesn't have a great mystery, nothing to really make me feel "cool, she's going there? yes, I bet that'll be fun to read about as she develops her skills"
I kind of want her to show her father how great she can be but well...not hugely so either. I don't know...maybe it needs a playful pet addition? Or something that shows a stumbling over her great skills?

I really enjoyed your bonus materials...the 3D map is fun! What did you use to make it I wonder? Bryce? And I returned to look at your analog illustrations you did for you other books = really terrific. I wish you had some for WD!

Best of luck Steven!
-=Bradley

Tails22 wrote 747 days ago

This isn't my usual genre at all, but I'm enjoying the story so far. While I was reading your pitch I kept thinking "Harry Potter" but your novel is almost a completely different subsection of fantasy. As you pointed out, I have empty slots on my shelf and you've earned the last available one :P I wish you all the best with your writing!

Tayla
The Hunt for Taylor Mason

afesmith wrote 772 days ago

Hey Steven. Here to return the read. As always, take with a pinch of salt and use only what strikes a chord.

Chapter 1. This is a great start. You reveal Adramal’s uneasy relationship with her father very cleverly. And I already feel I know a bit about the magic in your world, without having it shoved in my face. Good stuff.

I couldn’t help feeling, though, that it all seemed very short notice. Adramal goes from knowing nothing about the scheme to being packed off that very day. Even if she’s glad to get away, I’d expect her to be a bit more annoyed or at least confused by such a sudden displacement. Doesn’t she have friends who she’d want to say goodbye to? (If not then you might want to hint at the fact that there’s nothing to keep her there at all – but even so, she might wonder why it all has to be done so quickly.) Also I got a bit confused by the fact that her father says goodbye to her, and she to him, before she’s packed. Maybe show him leaving the house again, because he can’t bear to hang around? Otherwise presumably he’d still be there while she was packing, which is a bit awkward given that they’ve already had an emotionally charged farewell.

Chapter 2. I was pretty surprised by the fact that Adramal would go off so readily to an inn with a strange man. In the first chapter she seemed pretty self-possessed and competent, but even so, I’d expect more hesitation and doubt. It’s a dangerous decision to make, after all – unless her magic is such that she can defend herself against anything he might throw at her? But she is still an apprentice, so she can’t be fully powerful yet. Also, doesn’t she want to get on and find the school, go where she’s meant to be going? I just feel more explanation of her actions is needed here. What is it that makes her trust the first person she meets?

Loved the whole exchange around the beer :-)

OK, now it turns out she doesn’t even know where the school is. Her old teachers certainly don’t seem very concerned about her wellbeing – they haven’t given her any useful information at all! That doesn’t seem right to me. If they want her to move away to fulfil her potential without her father trying to force her down his own path, I’d expect them to take more care of her – tell where to go and what to do.

Ouch. Good ending to the chapter. It’s obviously much more dangerous around here than Adramal was led to believe. Maybe the Church of Mathran hasn’t weakened after all …

Chapter 3. I like Lelsarin. Intriguing.

Overall I really enjoyed this chapter. Lots of action, with more gradually being revealed about magic and its properties. And the ending is a great hook for turning over to Chapter 4 (because I want to find out how he knows her name). But I’m still feeling uneasy about the way Adramal seems to have just been cast off in a strange place without any guidance whatsoever, which doesn’t sit well with the ‘it’s for your own good’ feeling I got from chapter 1. Maybe I’m missing the point – not sure.

Chapter 4. Ah, not so supernatural after all – he just read the letter of introduction :-)

Excellent stuff. I’m really getting into it now. The interrogation and the subsequent conversation with Tagahra are both good scenes. I would say, though, that I’m not really feeling enough from Adramal, given that she is adrift in a strange place and has just been locked up and questioned about a series of murders in quite a brutal way. I’d like a bit more emotion from her, not on the surface but underneath (she must be feeling let down by her superiors, confused, scared, indignant, maybe even a bit homesick despite the fact she wanted to leave …). Still, it may be just my personal preference.

Altogether, I liked this a lot. Your writing is smooth and error-free, and the story is interesting enough to make me want to keep reading (which I will endeavour to do, if I can make the time).

Helen Rose wrote 774 days ago

Wow, your book is really great. It's well written and extremely interesting. I'm so glad my friend David asked me to take a look at it.

Samantha Alchin wrote 780 days ago

Well written dialogue, sets the scene and shows the characters' emotions nicely.

Cariad wrote 781 days ago

Hello fellow YA writer. 'The thing at the bottom of her mind rose to the surface......' some great images here. It's so hard to write fantasy in an original way, especially where wizards are involved, but I think you've done it here. need to read more than the first chapter. Will comment again.
Cariad
STONES.

Becca wrote 782 days ago

Great voice! I love the opening scene too, which pulls us write into the story. I love when Adramal says, "That's like calling the snow a bit cool." GREAT LINE!!! You really are an exceptional writer. I love the way you set up an immediate world of magic and spells. I'm not a fan of your MC's name, which I tell you only because I am totally honest (it feels a bit boyish to me and confused me at first who was who.) However, I understand names of characters are such personal things. I'm sure it would get easier to read the name with time, though.
Good luck with this book. It deserve to do well. It's shelves and I'm happy to sprinkle it with all the stars authonomy will allow!

Jamie Darrach wrote 784 days ago

Hello,

First, thank you for the advice you gave me on YahooAnswers today. I'm quite glad that you gave me the link to your piece. It's very impressive. I'm certainly going to continue reading the piece! It's truly (and I'm a harsh judge) one of the best works I've read since I joined a few days ago. I especially liked your comparisons about the snow and Adramal's relationship with her father and the one about the two suns. So far this is an exceptional piece! Keep up the good work!

~Jamie Darrach

purplepanther wrote 794 days ago

I started to read your book. I currently put you on my watchlist.
Debbie Kirts- Dragonslayers (book 1)

Penny Leigh wrote 796 days ago

Steven,

I started reading and my mind could not stop thinking about what could happen in the next chapters. I'd thought for some strange reason that Adramal is maybe fourteen, but this isn't a normal fourteen year old talking. This is new and refreshing like another world has opened. Rated and on my W/L. Wish you luck!

Penny
The Glass Serpent

dloganw wrote 810 days ago

Stephen, I've now finished nine chapters. As you know my writing skills are limited and my ability to critique others writing virtually non-existant. However, I do know a good story when I read one and this definitely qualifies. Will read more later.
David

B A Morton wrote 821 days ago

Steven,
From your pitch I assumed Adramal to be younger than she actually was, and was pleasantly surprised at how acomplished and determined, she turned out to be. I read to the end of ch5 and found this very entertaining, with interesting characters (with names that roll off the tongue, which sometimes doesn't happen in fantasy) The plot is intriguing and Adramal's motivation for getting involved believable. Leslarin and her fear of the Mark adds another dimension, I'm imagining all kinds of reasons for that. A well written story which encourages the reader to continue. One question, from someone who doesn't read a lot of fantasy, Wizards can't use magic to kill...I get that, but could she not have used magic to replenish her funds? rated and on my W/L Best of luck with this.

Babs

dimumurray wrote 837 days ago

Not bad, but I wished there was more stuff related to the magic system. In the later chapters the magic felt sparse, to the point where it was almost irrelevant. I like my magic to be relevant and intrinsic to the fantasy I read, but that's just me.

Gojo62 wrote 865 days ago

Just reached the end of chapter two and I am hooked on the book.

Seal wrote 871 days ago

Hello - seal from Y!A :) Great story, though I thought it might be good to add a little bit more about Leslarin, I thought she was interesting enough but I don't think it was ever really explained why she reacted so much to the mark, and how she got there in the first place. Also wondering what happened to Leslarin at the end.
It's too bad Perinar left :o, it seemed kind of abrupt and maybe a bit unnecessary (was it supposed to be?). Might be just me though.
Anyway it was a wonderful read :), backed it.

Kaimaparamban wrote 910 days ago

Mr. Steven, you are exposing a world of darkness before reader. Apart from the usual attractions of novels you have a unique elegance to attract and keep alive readers. You are explaining series of brutalities without loosing reality.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

karenrosario wrote 919 days ago

Great tag line in the short pitch- instant attention!

Romilla wrote 929 days ago

A WIZARD'S DAUGHTER: STEVEN J. PEMBERTON

Hi Steven,
You certainly have an appetite for imagination as you set the path for Adramal to embark on a quest for adventure! The story is engaging and highlights a good amount of description and spell binding twirls through a story line that has one wrapped up for more. I can imagine this would be a lovely welcome for the youth category of readers indeed!

Backed and shelved!

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

fh wrote 931 days ago

A WIZARD'S DAUGHTER
This book had a great deal of imagination.
Reader's will want and be interested to discover the mystery and the thrill in your story.
Your tale gives us a magnificient plot and equally some fascinating characters. Characterization and narrative technique are polished and you have put a great deal of effort into your writing. A gem of a find.
I have backed your book since I felt that your efforts deserve my backing.
Best of luck.

Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Kenny the K wrote 934 days ago

An interesting read and ideas. I shall read more later when I have time. Backed for now.

Yolanda Forsythe-Halle wrote 934 days ago

A good blend of imagination, vivid scenes and splendid narration.

OU Crew wrote 934 days ago

Clever idea, a nice blend of imagery, magical stuff and authenticity. A good read.

child wrote 935 days ago

A Wizard's Daughter - In the first chapter the reader discovers Adramal's relationship with her father is an uneasy one. Very good that you have used what parents so often do, projecting their own expectations onto their child without considering what their child wants or if they have to ability to achieve what is required. Adramal is bundled off to a new school with little ceremony because of disruption caused by father/daughter, which must be fraught as she willingly accepts this edict but the reader has no clue what this disruption to the school is. In chapter two Adramal is more than a little naive. She's been told that a new school for wizards has come into being in defiance of the Headquarters of Mathran, yet she toodles off without any qualms, with the first person she comes across who hands her over to some unpleasant people who have magic of their own. Lelsarin, who I assuming, is Adramal's alta ego encourages her to escape from a locked cell and has apparently on previous occasions given good advice. Doubtless as the tale progress the reader will learn more of this character.
There is some lovely writing, for example: 'That's like calling snow cool.' The pace is quick, the setting in a wizarding school could be likened to he who shall not be named, but the author has a clever twist to his story. Adramal, in addition to having a number of magic tools (spells) at her disposal, is to be a sleuth come undercover agent and it is this combination I think young adults would enjoy together with the voice, tone and tale on offer.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

djinnia wrote 954 days ago

43-45: that rat ba****d!! i knew he was too good to be true! there has to be something more???? a book 2 maybe??? *puppy dog eyes glistening!

i still like tagahra, i think the offer in 45 is awesome!

steven, you've created a wonderful world of mystery and magic i would visit again and again. =D thank you for sharing it.

me

Terry Murphy wrote 954 days ago

This is a bit like JKR meets Umberto Ecco, combining the best of both.

Not my genre, but the juxtaposition of the these two themes makes for an enthralling read. The writing is adept and drives a compelling storyline.

In terms of nits, I agree with some other reviewers that words could be culled here and there, especially at the end of sentences when you are striving to make something clear to a reader that they have already assimilated from the preceding clause.

I hope the Potter association won't put off prospective readers as they will be missing out.

Backed.

Terry

djinnia wrote 959 days ago

41/42: DUDE!!!! *jaw drops in disbelief! i don't know if it's true or not but DUDE really?!

okay a little loss for words. wow! (talking about end of 42 just so you know.)

me

djinnia wrote 968 days ago

39/40: the one person who could answer her questions had to die. this is getting nail biting exciting! i can't wait to find out who the murderer is!

me

JD Revene wrote 970 days ago

Steven,

I read three chapters and this is very good, one of the best pieces of YA fantasy that I've read here in a while.

I had but a couple of observations:

--a minor point but in your first sentence I found '. . . and relaxed, seeking a calm place within her mind.' a little wordy and wondered whether 'and relaxed' couldn't be omitted.

--mor significant, the pitch, to my mind may lead people to expect another Harry Potter knoc-off, and this isn't that, not at all, I'd look to avoid any points of comparison if at all possible.

But the writing is superb, very easy to read and engaging. This is the sort of YA I'd happily read myself.

Backed with pleasure

djinnia wrote 971 days ago

37/38: i don't know if Perinar is the naivest boy in the world or the most devious super villain!

me

Zero-serenity wrote 971 days ago

Didn't see any other typos in chapter 22, but I wanted to take this time to mention your plot. It's moving along nicely, your build up is great, and you drop just enough ways for MC to get closer to finding leads, which makes me feel like there's going to end up being another murder soon.
Excellent job ^___^
~Z

Zero-serenity wrote 971 days ago

Okay, I've gotten through chapter 21, and I'm hating the bully even more know than ever >< Still think the younger apprentice is kinda sorta a sneak, but LOVING the story =D
Also, in chapter 21 there is a typo. I was surprised when I found it to be honest, your work is both top notch, and I get so involved I don't even notice typos if they are there.
It's just after dinner, I think, the MC ha just gotten her book from the servant. She asks younger apprentice when the teachers eat, he tells, and then she asks him to show her around. They get to talking, and then they go up a stair to look at the layout.
What you have: "There are all sorts of strange theories about those are for," he said. "My guess is there used to be some..."
Typo: there should be a 'what'. --> 'there are all sorts of strange theories about what those are for,'

I actually had misread it the first time round, I didn't see the missing 'what' and instead I was reading the second part of the younger apprentice's words wrong and thought the 'there' was the wrong one, but I was wrong XD
Moving on to more chatpers >>
~Zero

brinskie1 wrote 972 days ago

A Wizard's Daughter - An excellent first chapter. Shelved. I'm reading on. The writing is very good, and although the pitch brought to mind other work, you have gone off on an original tangent, a plot that promises many surprises to come and a hook on the end of chap one that makes me want to hurry with this comment so I can return. As far as constructive criticism goes - you might want to take another look at the structure of a couple of your sentences. 'Someone in Kyer Altemar has established another school for wizards.' could possibly read 'Another school for wizards has been established in Kyer Altemar.' [Maybe personal taste-I have an aversion to 'Someone' , and besides, it seems unlikely an individual 'someone' would be establishing a school for wizards.] Another sentence I find objectionable is 'Father opened his mouth to speak, and then seemed to think better of it.' I don't like 'seemed to' - why not 'but thought better of it.' Anyway-I'm going back for more of this right now.

G.
Einstein's Road Trip [I would like very much to see your take on Einstein if your time allows. Thanks.]

Francene Stanley wrote 972 days ago

With the first chapter, the scene is set for a travel adventure for Adramal the apprentice. Wizardry, healing and spells will keep the reader rivetted to the page. And so will the hint of someone inside her mind. Good or bad? The reader will need to continue to find out.

The story is beautifully written. I'll back this with pleasure.

Francene. Still Rock Water. (Take a peek at Liliha's mind travel.)

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