Shattered Captives

Brilliant work setting the creepy, tense tone in this piece. It's not as easy as many writers make it look, but I found myself utterly gripped. Great use of foreshadowing warns us that this is going to be an intense ride. This is an intelligent thriller, and I popped it on my shelf earlier today.

Great work,
Abi xxx
Relic

Nice normal start, no problems and then it gets creepy!
Read up to Marla and the shadowy form and this is now seriously creepy. You have a great story developing here that has become very engaging. Should ask davetherave to read this it is definitely his type of genre. – Good luck!

The prelude sets the tone for your story nicely and the use of foreshadowing in that and in the first chapter is cleverly done. Your character development is excellent and your use of imagery is nicely done. Your work is well written and well paced. This is a good read so far. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Born and raised in the Willamette Valley, I love stories that take place in the Pacific NW. Yours is no exception. The gorge, windsurfers, witchcraft, dream journals, nightmares, and windy weather make for great start. I'll be back to read more. With work and the World Cup, I'm finding I'm devoid of time to comment. I'll try to write more soon. Backed for now.

Shattered Captives

Jason Newberry

Good pitches - your storyline with its horror elements gave me the shivers. Quite unusual and interesting story here. "What the hell is that damn thing?" Looking forward to seeing where Jack as well as this story goes from here. But thinking, after clipping the side of the tractor, will he be alive to go anywhere. Very keen to find out! Good stuff and happy to back it. Will return to read more very soon.

Wow, this is so interesting. I love what you've got here and it's held my attention. Your characters are great and your setting really adds to the mystical parts of this story. The characters and the narrative voice are engaging and keep the reader in the story. I enjoyed what I've read, all the elements come together in a great blend.

Missy

Hi Jason, These first chapters are sheathed in mystery. Jack and Bill are well-portrayed by their actions as being pretty normal guys but open to the mystical. And the writing tells them that way which is very appealing while the warning to the Indian would seem to bring in something about a mound or the land. This promises to be well-woven while the writing entranced me. Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Great job and a good hook at the end of the chapter. I'll back this for you. Dave

Oh, this is excellent writing but too scary for me! I get nightmares so I can't keep reading. But I'll back your book on the writing. BACKED -Elizabeth Wolfe (Memories of Glory)

Hi Jason,

Love the pitch. Care to exchange reads?

Alice V
The Shoes that Charlotte Wore

Hi Jason
A really creepy horror novel. I like the way you use italics sparingly to add to the tension. Strange things keep happening and the way you have crafted this makes it a really entertaining and rammed with suspense. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Gripping stuff, Jason. The opening is excellently paced, full of suspence and ominous foreboding, techniques that are very difficult to master. But you have done that here with great skill.
Happily backed
Mal Muirhead - Marvellous Mavis and the Devolve-o-Meter

This is very well done. the release from the mound is startling and the arcs with the characters all slot together logically as layer upon layer unfolds. Her visions turning to nightmare stuff is effectively done.= and there is an atmosphere as the realisation that something has been released becomes hard fact and the race is on.Excellent.

Really nice and marvellously exciting
happy to back this.

BACKED with pleasure. Although - I think I prefer to read this in daylight and not at night! Creepy and gritty horror! Well done.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Shattered Captives

[Thank you for returning my backing. T. ☼☼☼☼☼]

This is very dark stuff. The mound housing some ancient evil unwittingly unleashed. Good start. I don’t understand the relationship between Jack in the prelude and Bill and Frank in chapter one. Bill seems to know all about the danger; fortunately for us leaving his notes behind. Good thing too. Good idea that Caleb doesn’t know where they are. Your account of the way the dark force escapes when Jack lays his hands on the mound is deeply disturbing and excellently told. So is Bill’s demise in chapter one and the scene with his body hanging out of the mangled car and the message passed to Marla in chapter two. I would have liked to know how long ago Jack had his heart attack. The dialogue between Marla and Michelle as well as their characterisation is great. Now you heap another factor into the mix—Melissa’s predictive dreams becoming unusually descriptive nightmares. That’s also dark and scary, and she’s Marla’s friend too—great plotting. And then you begin to reveal your hand in chapter four when Jack wakes up in hospital. The mental battle for his memory with the dark presence is excellent. And I really like this stubborn old man—great characterisation, again. But in the timeline this is clearly before the prologue and his encounter with the mound on his land. That puts Bill’s research well back. I don’t personally like having to worry about what happened when. I think for me the difficulty arose because you suggest the prologue depicts the first release of the dark entity, and then you don’t relate the time frame between this and chapter one. But by now I’m more aware of how everything fits in. But, if that was a tactic to engage me with your work, I don’t think it’s necessary. Your story is quite strong enough to get by without. Perhaps you could add a sentence relating the timeframe to the top of each chapter, or just state the time and date?

This is a well written darkly menacing and atmospheric horror thriller. Great job. I’m backing it, and I’d be really grateful if you can find the time to take a look at Bokassa’s Last Apostle in return.

Jason congrats on getting your work out there, and yes when reading one can tell that it needs a little more work. That being said you have a good book here, with colorful characters that really do play in the mind. I would live to read this when complete and edited. Saying that my work needs a lot of work also. However because you have it SHELVED for sure

Please take some time to read some of my book and give me your feedback. Though I get many comments they are always welcome, one can never get too much help.
BACKED
BEST OF LUCK

I think your prelude could be cut in half and work perfectly well. We don't really need to see his every move on th tractor. You have a great premise but as you say this is a first draft and it does need a fair bit of work.
Stick around and you'll get great advice from some of the more genuine people on the site.

A few nits for you to consider.

Path that wound its (way) throughout his property. (He) and his wife...

Currently he was working on a pet project he'd been planning for some time. Maybe sounds better?

Backing you for the obvious potential.
Melxxx
Thanks for backing Impeding Justice, xxx

SHATTERED CAPTIVES
This is a good thriller. The first chapter with the odd discovery in the ground sets an ominous tone for the story. After the auto accident, it’s clear strange things are going to continue to happen here. Makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This novel has all the makings of a Stephen King suspense. It is written well, and the pitch draws the reader. Had I been at a book store scanning for new novels to buy, I would have bought this one just from its pitch. Well done Jason, and congratulations. I am backing your work because I believe it deserves it, and look forward to reading your story.
Helen

Very good, you should really do well on here as this book has immense appeal. At 13,000 words can you expand it to full book length or will it be a short story? Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-How Mean is my Valley)

Well actually the manuscript is complete aside from further revisions...It has a total word count of 122,000 or so... I was aiming for a 300 + page book.
I haven't posted the entire book because I'm leery of having my entire manuscript on the internet...
So i'm just kind of feeling out how this website works and considering posting more pending furhter revisions...

Very good, you should really do well on here as this book has immense appeal. At 13,000 words can you expand it to full book length or will it be a short story? Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-How Mean is my Valley)

This is developing into an interesting story with a clutch of characters to become involved with. Watch your use of pronouns - him and .. should be he and.. for example.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord'sCrown

Interesting, I inserted my prelude as chapter one because there was no slot for a prelude. Apparently it reset all the watchlists and bookshelves...I am such a newbie to this site.
Anyways just wanted to thank everyone for their comments and backing, I will do some in kind as soon as I get a few free minutes.
My whole book is written...but I am very skeptical of publishing the entire document on a website...
I appreciate any critiquing, I have only done one revision on the novel so far and I know it needs some fine tuning. Its nice to have fresh eyes viewing it and picking up things I missed in my revision.

Thanks all.

Hi Jason,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

Jason,

You draw the reader in from the very beginning. Great word choices create wonderful visuals for the reader. Backed with pleasure,
January

Welcome aboard, Jason. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch TELLS instead of SHOWS. The long pitch needs to be expnaded upon; give more details, show a mini story arch. There is not enough here to determine whether or not I want to read this. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Not my sort of thing, but written well. Backed
Rosalind
Good for Him
Making It

Ok, just gonna comment on your pitches. The short? If it's contemporary fiction, of course it's in a modern setting--that is redundant. And the rest of the sentence is covered in the genre your work--horror. Ditch what you call your short pitch. The offered "long pitch" is what you should offer as the short pitch. It gives a pithy synopsis of the story. Now you need to write a long pitch for your novel. Best wishes!

Dear Jason, I love that your book mentions a state of Washington Indian tribe - my twin brother's wife was raised on an Indian Reservation in Washington. :) Great story - hope you write more stories. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)

backed :)
Love, Susie :)

Good luck with this, some really interesting ideas in here.

I found a few of the passages a little clunky, like they didn't flow right across. EG. "Oh shit," he said calmly as he realised his error. For when he had......"

I found it hard to imagine someone saying 'oh shit' calmly. And the term 'For when' seemed like it didn't need to be there. You could have just start that paragraph, He was veering hard to his left.

That's my little two cents, please feel free to ignore.

Tim H
Hellbound