Book Jacket


rank 5918
word count 17697
date submitted 07.06.2010
date updated 07.06.2010
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: moderate

The Clouded Kingdom

Charlotte Athawes

Join Xiuh; falling from safety into a world of magic, love, loss and danger as he chooses between his heart and his dark-shrouded destiny.


Xiuh is shipwrecked, washing up on the beautiful island of Lana. Welcomed by the community there, he learns of their struggle to survive; their tribe in disarray and the sacred magic held by them in tattters. He and a group of guardians must help find Lana's Queen, so they embark on a journey filled with danger as they face the enemies that threaten the Kingdom. But the biggest threats of all are the secrets of Xiuh's own past...

Delve into this novel that draws you into a world of magic, fantasy, love, loss and danger.

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Little Gypsy wrote 645 days ago

I'm in love with this story already! Your characters are already like friends. I'll be back to read more, I only had the chance to read a few chapters.

If you have a chance, could you take a peek at RYANNISE OF ARAVACHIA? Thanks so much ~Tina~

Famlavan wrote 1402 days ago

Think you have immense descriptive narrative!
You open the story so well. Think you have developed some great characters (particularly Xiuh) and have brilliant dialogue. This is a magical story, magically captured. – Good luck with this!

Luke Bramley wrote 1404 days ago

Love it Charlotte, backed with pleasure. I agree with all the positive comments below. I would just add, try not to overdo it with the language: in chapter 1 you have boiled and baking and other power words that describe heat too close together. I should know, my writing is very similar and is still is too over-powering for some! Two specifics - Prologue: to her VERY core. Chapter 1: DREAMLIKE island. 'Very' is too child-romantic and dream-like tells not shows. Bon chance, mon ami! Brammers, The Kingdom Within (I know, SIMILAR titles, dude!)

lynn clayton wrote 1404 days ago

This is a beautifully described book, from the scenery to the actions of the characters - nothing is taken as read, everything is presented vividly.
The dialogue is excellent and apart from advancing the plot conveys a real communication between the characters. Backed. lynn

klouholmes wrote 1412 days ago

Hi Charlotte, I liked the premise, Xiuh’s shipwreck and then the fact that priests discovered the island in a similar way. The male response to Demna here feels so traditional when his adventure would be to return to his home. The writing gives much atmosphere and also the emotional ties that are forming. Beyond that, the magic sounds very intriguing! Easily shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

mariecapri wrote 1412 days ago

Hi Charlotte. Your prologue is very well written. The tension is built well and the setting easy to envisage. Xiuh is a strong character. I liked the way Demna's words had such an impact on him. I think this is one for its genre and wish you all the best of luck with it! Maria (Cosmic LInx)

SusieGulick wrote 1414 days ago

Dear Charlotte, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
authonomy quotes: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy

DP Walker wrote 1414 days ago

HI Charlotte
A great mix of narrative and dialogue here which keeps the story flowing nicely. You write so visually, I was able to feel myself in the story. I love your character names too - really engaging and unique. Backed.
DP Walker
Five Dares

missyfleming_22 wrote 1415 days ago

Wow, this is so interesting! I wasn't sure what to expect but this really impressed me. It's very well written with some great characters and descriptions. the name of your character is awesome too, I love unique names they stick with the reader after they are done with the book. I couldn't find anything about this I didn't like. Once you make a couple edits for grammar and punctuation and all that fun stuff, this is going to be a strong contender here and the real world!


A Knight wrote 1415 days ago

A fantastically gripping prologue sucks us right into the action, and the imaginative crafting of both the world and the characters left me breathless. There's a great deal of potential, and a polish of grammatical errors, such as the commas missing prior to direct address: "Good night[,] Demna." and a slight tautening of the prose would make this shine.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

Owen Quinn wrote 1415 days ago

Sucked in right away, I love lost islands and starnge cultures that are not what they seem. Your imagery is strong, helping paint the characters and setting in the reader's miund and that is the sign of a good writer, make us see what you see, well done,.

drachat wrote 1415 days ago

Very good story, the prologue really brings you in!

Extremely imaginative and well-done. Just some minor grammatical errors(my personal issue!) but nothing an editor can't help with.

Not my usual genre but happily backed for the storyline and writing style

Would you mind taking a look at my book, "Road to Redemption: From Cop's Daughter to Convicted Felon"?

Barry Wenlock wrote 1416 days ago

This is a very good story -- okay Mel's right about the adverbs, but that's easily remedied.
Wildly imaginative, stunningly described, not to back positively would be a mistake, really ( too many adverbs!)
Well done, this has lots of potential.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Melcom wrote 1416 days ago

You have a terrific story here, you engage the reader well, the only negative I would say is that you overuse 'ly' in the first paragraph alone you have 4 of them!!

That aside your imagination is tremondous and the world you've created stands out against other books in this genre,

Happily shelved for the huge potential I see here.
Impeding Justice

Mike LaRiviere wrote 1416 days ago


I am a 22 year Navy man --a sailor; one who goes down to the sea in ships, and can identify with the beautiful island paradise so much like Polynesia, and the natives so much like those innocent beautiful people. Yet I can feel the homesickness that Xiuh feels. Magic that channels itself through the dancing tribal members such as the Native American stomp and ghost dances. I am also part Cherokee Indian. I absoultely love this setting, storyline, and backdrop. Nice word pictures.

Before I wax too elequent in support of your work, there is, I think, an error in the last paragraph above "he made to speak".

Priests and secrets, and saviors, and quests all make this an exciting journey into a fantasy world with wonderfully innocent and beautiful people, with somewhat of a dark side.

You created a world, and names, and powers, and characters that bless the reader and beckon him or her to come into the pages and live and dance and blend and stay. I know I did that. The all powerful and mysterious sea awaits the adventurers as they go to places unknown to face things of which they are unaware, prepared to sacrifice all to save some. You did that nicely.

I sensed that something loomes in the shadows unseen and unknown but to the priests and perhaps some mages. Doom and destruction await that may or may not be thwarted.

I think this story is delightful and enchanting. You have created the storyline and characters exactly as they should be to support the plot you have so intricately woven. You are to be commended on the high quality and wholesome language and style. You are indeed an extraordinary wordsmith.

I back the book without reservation. Well Done and two thumbs up.

PawPaw Mike LaRiviere
Eden's Door

yasmin esack wrote 1416 days ago

Fascinating read. You immaginative powers are indeed immense as is your talent for writing

Happily backed

name falied moderation wrote 1416 days ago

Loved the pitch Charlotte, however I dont know and I wish someone would tell my about prologues. Why are they not the first chapter. I just think this is an excellent example of good penmanship. Well crafted and you play with your characters with agility and skill. The plot I thought, would be the same old sort of stuff and I was wrong. You have obviously written before as others have here and I feel sure I will be able to buy this in the bookstores soon. SHELVED by me
Would you take the time to read some of my book and give me your feedback. All comments are always welcome, one can never get too much help. and if you like it please back it.

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1416 days ago

Intriguing and very skilfully done, you should do very well with this book. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-How Mean is my Valley)

Rusty Bernard wrote 1416 days ago

Hi Charlotte,

I have backed your book because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
Psychiatric Evaluation

soutexmex wrote 1416 days ago

Welcome aboard, Charlotte. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch does not work as you are TELLING and not SHOWING. The long pitch needs to be expanded up, show more of mini story arch. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

The Obergemau Key

lizjrnm wrote 1416 days ago

BACKED with pleasure.

The Cheech Room

A. Zoomer wrote 1416 days ago


Dear Charlotte,
Xiuh as a character, the dialogue and the story have captured me, I am with you.

Backed with pleasure.
A Zoomer
(Going Out in Style)

Nit pick: If you pare the 'ings', this reader will trust that you are giving me exactly what the story needs.

A. Zoomer wrote 1416 days ago


Dear Charlotte,
Xiuh as a character, the dialogue and the story have captured me, I am with you.
Now if you pare the 'ings', this reader will trust that you are giving me exactly what you want me to have.

Backed with pleasure.
A Zoomer
(Going Out in Style)

Rosemary Peel wrote 1416 days ago

Just had a quick look at your book. It is very well written and pulls the reader in from the beginning. To be honest it is not my type of story, but I still feel it is well worth backing. Best of Luck with it.

Burgio wrote 1416 days ago

This is an interesting story. Xiuh is a good main character; you’ve made him both likable and brave; the kind of character a reader wants to follow to see how he manages in this strange fantasy world. On top of that you have a good writing style for fantasy; you’re able to recognize how much background a reader needs for the story to make sense; not so much it slows down your story. Keeps it a good read. I’ve added this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Kidd1 wrote 1416 days ago

What an interesting premise. Great imagination. Needs some editing as noted in previous, but shows promise. BAcked.

I hope you will give mine a read and back it if you like it.
Golden Conspiracy

Jim Darcy wrote 1416 days ago

This has the makings of a very good tale. Xiuh is developing into a well roundedf, 3-D character. Background convinces and dialogue flows naturally, adding depth to the characters.
Only comment would be that you have lots of 'ing' and 'ly' words. This is leading you to mix your tenses in a lot of sentences.
also, dissary in your long pitch should be disarray?
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

SusieGulick wrote 1416 days ago

Dear Charlotte, I love your heroine & her flight - you put me right there with her & my heart goes out to her - I'm glad it's not me. :) Very intriguing suspenseful story with the fantasy that makes it dynamic. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your pitch, which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book. :) "When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
additional authonomy quote: "Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs." :)

backed :)
Love, Susie :)