They say that for every being there is a place in time that leads to our destruction, I say; ''If only it were so simple...''. Things could have been so much different if I truly had died that night. For good. Maybe there are just too many questions. Maybe I'm just forsaken. There are so many possible what if's, so many unanswered if only's and sobbed prayers ignored. What if, what if. What if God existed? If he did, would I be in Hell, damned for the rest of my immortal existence? If only, if only. I wasn't forsaken with immortality, would I go to Hell anyway?
* * *
The dreams came back again, fresher and with a clarity that seemed so cruel. The scenes of my past life unfurled behind my closed eyelids that refused to bolt open at any moment. They tortured me, filling me with regret and hatred. A past of ghosts that you see in darkness as in light. I felt myself turn in my sleep and cursed myself with an unspoken breath.
The darkness of the new moon enveloped the world as I walked, back to the wind towards the river. The element that had descended from the mountain had gained in violence after fighting with the forces of nature. The wind whipping seemed to burn like fire and my skin numbed. Even with my pain, I felt something eerie in the air. An item you feel out of place that you stick wherever and its presence keeps bothering you. But there was something here that should have never come here, I knew.
My white elbow length curls swirled around me viciously, gray eyes closing because of the ferociousness of the wind. A voice pierced the elements attack and comforted me slightly. Just a voice, it could have been anyone’s voice but it wasn't. It was his voice. He spoke no word I could comprehend before he switched tongues quickly. ''Run'' the voice called out, just as eerily as it appeared.
Terror drew its signature traits upon my face as I stood immobile, too terrified to run. The lack of stars in the sky made it difficult to make even the slightest thing out as my eyes searched for an attacker. I could feel my very system pleading me to flee, or at least to do something. And so I acted. The voice repeated it's onslaught and I ran towards it, eyes closed and searching blindly for an invisible threat.
And so, I found it. My eyes opened as the man rested a hand on my upper arm as he would have done if he were my lover. I stared into those eyes of a frightening blue and entwined my hands through his hair as he pulled me towards him for a kiss.
Even if I die, I'll have died loved. I had thought. His lips met mine gently but his ferocity grew as he trailed his lips down to my neck, leaving shivers up to where they stopped.
Suddenly, all tenderness gone, he sank his teeth there. I squirmed and pulled away but his arms held me with an iron grip. The tugging didn't hurt too much, it felt as though something useless was being pulled away. And then I fell asleep with his eyes peering into mine and I got the impression I was never going to see him again. That's what hurt me the most.
* * *
I woke in a cold sweat, throwing my white blankets onto the hardwood floor. I panted and shook for a few minutes before the pain subsided.
And so, I wept. I wept and I screamed. I screamed for my culture that I've lost to the Romans and to immortality. I wept for my redemption, for my pain, for the pain I've caused... There is nothing here, only the darkness of my soul and my own thoughts. And even then, they try to kill me as well. Gods, it's cold here in my soul...
I am the last. The last of Helvetians. The sole survivor. But only because I sold my soul to a devil that possess such beauty. There is horror in my mind and blood on my hands. Can I cleanse myself of the sins I have committed? What I've done for love... What I'd still do for love.
Even before the tragedy, the blood runs rampant on these hands. In these eyes, in my heart, in my soul...
Do I dare pray to my old Gods, now? Dare I pray Icovellauna to wash away my fear with the water she governs? Dare I pray Sirona to heal my sorrows and bandage my mental wounds? Dare I pray my makers goddess, Inanna? Dare I pray at all? In a world where I am a monster...Should I be allowed to pray? There is no one and nothing here that can cleanse me of what I've done. I've lived far too long. Over two thousand three hundred years.
Gods, all I'm waiting for now is to die.
I can't wait for a hunter to come and kill me in my den whilst I sleep.
* * *
The hunter came while I slept, like I wanted. Unfortunately, he was loud, far too loud and he woke me up. I was dazed and pissed off as he stood above me with a stake. His short brown hair seemed wet to my sharp eyes. Maybe wet with sweat, telling by how much of a bitch it must be to climb over the gate of my domain. The hunter shook slightly as I raised my head.
'Get out of here, I refuse to kill you', I told the hunter. He held fast though. I could tell he wanted to kill me really badly but for what reason seemed beyond me. I was starting to get annoyed by his presence. His shaking seemed to overwhelm my senses. 'What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you know who I am?', I spat at the hunter who backed off and let me stand.
I'm quite shorter than he was, I noticed quickly. Had I not been immortal he could have overpowered me. He was at least a foot taller than I but he knew I could kill him.
The man was dressed head to toe in black but I could see him wearing white under his outfit. I felt overwhelmed with loneliness then for no actual reason. He was the first person to visit me in years.
'Do you want something to drink?', I asked the human after turning my back to the human to walk towards the kitchen I seldom used.
'Why?', the human asked. I noticed his voice had stopped shaking and seemed...comfortable.
'What do you mean why? Can't immortals be hospitable too?', I snapped, turning to face him.
'I don't think you're suppose to be hospitable with the people that try to kill you when you sleep is all', he replied steadily.
'I never kill the hunters that are sent after me, surely you'd know that as one of them', I told him with a sigh. I never killed them and I never knew why. A few of them actually let me drink from them a bit.
'I wasn't sure that it was actually true so I came to check. Is there even a reason you don't kill us when we visit?', he asked as I served him a glass of red wine. He stared at the red liquid as if it were a joke.
'I get lonely often. No maker to watch over me and no immortal dares visit me in my own domain', I answered as I poured myself a large glass and drank it slowly after smelling it.
'Seems sucky to be a vampire', he said while smelling the wine himself. Sure that it wasn't blood, he took a sip. 'Good wine', he continued.
'What an amusing pun to say sucky. Also, it's not wine', I told him while continuing to sip.
As if on queue my welcome yet unwelcome house guest spat out the red liquid and I couldn't help but laugh at his typical reply.
'Two can make crap jokes, you know', I told him and finally he understood that I pulled a prank on him.
'Meh. Apparently, some of my comrades let you drink from them, that true too?', he asked suddenly. I was puzzled by his question as I crossed his gaze, what does it change in his life, anyway?
I decided to be honest. 'Did you come here to play twenty questions? But yeah, several of them let me. They actually needed to encourage me to do it because I don't need it to live anymore', I told him while shrugging away my glass.
'Why would they ask a killer to drink from them?', he asked, his brown eyes hard and judgmental.
'I hear it's quite pleasurable', I explained, eyes riveted on my glass.
He seemed to consider it for a moment as he licked his lips and stood up from his chair. He moved towards me quietly and guided my hand to his neck. Why the hell is it always the hunters that want their blood sucked? Even after thinking that, I placed my lips against his neck anyway. I kissed the skin there and planted my fangs quickly as to minimize the pain.
He writhed as my hands went to his waist and I embraced him. I let him go moments later and he fell against his chair, dizzy from the loss of blood. I wondered suddenly if I should finish him off to anger his friends so they'd come and kill me for real this time. My eyes gleamed dangerously and I told the human to leave. I might do something foolish if he stayed, I thought.
His eyes crossed mine and he had smile on his face. I couldn't understand what he was so damn happy about and suddenly I didn't feel so good. That smug grin finally got to me;
the bastard poisoned me! I could feel whatever it was coursing through my veins.
'It's wood. Thousands of miniscule pieces of it. A real bitch to swallow but so worth it to catch a vampire of your caliber. I'm surprised you're even still standing! Bloody monsters', he snapped as he spat on the floor.
Forsaken for my race and cursed by our way of life - it was no better than ongoing racism between the blacks and whites. Jesus Christ, why do they do it? I've never even killed anyone while feeding... Hell, I've never even killed anyone at all...
My eyes seemed to stop seeing and my ears stopped hearing. And suddenly, I slipped for the second time in my life. I'm going to die again but this time, I'll have died alone.