The Eye of the Idol

I've read four chapters of The Eye of the Idol. The language could do with a bit of copy editing to iron out some errors but it is direct and workmanlike.

I don't really buy the "you'll know it when you see it" mission put to Jacob at the beginning. A jewel is a jewel: there's no harm in telling him what he is after even if it has hidden secrets. Off-hand I can't imagine why the Jesuits would be fussed to steal a jewel; I can't see it having particular religious significance (which means it would not be self-evident to Jacob that it was the object of his mission), but it may be you explain it later.

In writing thrillers (not just yours) chapter 2 can pose a problem. Chapter 1 allows the writer to show off with some flashy effects as he creates his hook. Chapter 2 is where he has to get down to the business of exposition: giving us unfamiliar characters and settings and backstory: often at the expense of action. I felt that Aumont and Sanchez were just talking heads, the exposition was complex and not altogether clear: you need to work on this because it's where you can lose the reader at the outset before he has invested too much time to want to give up.

The scene in the execution building in N Korea was chilling and pretty effective. However I struggled to understand the organisation and the roles of the participants, and neither did I really understand what was being hinted at in the discussion of nuclear weapons and dirty bombs. I don't really accept the idea of Yoo as an executioner and as a foreign intelligence operative. The roles are too different and the latter requires great sophistication unsuited to a drooling psychopath (by way of aside, Dan Brown's psychotic albino monk always seemed to me an implausible assassin if you wanted him to stay at large). Since Dan Brown, there is a good market for this general kind of book and this looks to be a decent enough idea for you to stick with it.

Paul, I'm finding this fascinating. Your writing style makes me wish you'd been *discovered* long before Dan Brown... and that, perhaps, you'd written the Da Vinci first!! A literary thriller and a half, that would surely have been so. Your Biblical knowledge shines as brightly as the idol's eyes, and you know how to draw readers in, just as the storytellers of old India did. A stunning hook starts this story, and that hook stays in the eyes of the beholder!

What a terrible feat our Jesuit Priest, Jacob, is tasked with, and how the frailty of humankind is proven. And those eyes - blue diamonds, I am thinking, that have certainly left a trail of destruction in their wake, and probably will forever more.

BEFORE I say any more, I must tell you of one very important omission so hopefully you can either address it quickly or tell me where to go... In the Latin translation, it's missing "Jacob", and we have Sanchez and Aumont referring to Jacob. SO, I think you could translate the line "Abbas Ingnatius, indulgeo vestri vernula Jacob pro deficio vos!" as -
"Father Ignatius, forgive your servant Jacob for failing you!" (You have "........forgive me for failing you.")

AND, nitpick-nitpick - It's "1600s" (not "1600's"). (Smacked wrist, you.).
Few others in that chapter, actually -
"So the -- was killed by a murderer?" Missing word - "suspect"??
Plus a few dialogue quotes missing.
The other thing with that chapter, I think you might consider a little less description of Aumont and Sanchez up front - perhaps weave it in a little more during the dialogue, or even later on.

As for the Koreans.... my God. Very well done, with poor old Lok. You've captured his feelings, and we live through the horror of Yoo's actions with him. His mission, along with the back-stabbing junior Nak, will be a thrill-ride. I'll be very interested, too, to see what a *concrete sub* is... no comms. cable? Something *deeply* sinister, I'll be bound. VERY funny about their learning how to construct the warheads from an American science paper! (And very true - amazing what I found with a little digging - and getting strange looks in the science reading rooms when researching a thriller!! - she said with zipped lip.)

Back to the first part, and this really did draw me in, I have to say. (The maps will be out later...ha.) But the language, the whole feel, mystery and sheer wickedness of what goes on in the Superior's chamber, is delicious. As for Tavernier, he's a man I found myself wishing we could see more of, in a perverse way. Perhaps diamonds have corrupted his soul long ago, but then, perhaps, a mercy for poor Jacob, and what will inevitably be his own merciful end with what he finally sees.
Nitpick typos - "guilded" - is "gilded" (the temple doors).
"........'till we meet, my friend." ("...'til we meet, my friend.")
"..lightening" - is "lightning".
A few "then" words here and there, which should be "than"
"I am here, are I not?" I think this should be either "I am here, am I not?" or "I am here, are not I?"

Did I say in a message, I hope there's *Hope* in that box? The eye(s) must be returned... (crossing self.). Hope for mankind, perhaps, to do the right thing.

Backed for this writer's sheer literary style, knowledge and hand of a thriller-writer par excellence.

From Kay
(Waystation to Prosperity Street).

You really know your Bible pointing out that Jacob is the grandson. Abraham's wife being a half-sister. I didn't know that. Interesting to know the Pope is called Superior.
The Latin is fascinating and enjopyable as it is translated a little further on. It is not just a gripping story it is also an intellectual delight.
Your book makes compelling reading but it is also a mine of information which enrichens the story.
Further down I realized your knowledge of Hunduism is just as vast. There are so many sects and cults in Hinduism you drew it together so well. Also the geograhical and historical information really structures and deepens the novel.

This is definitely a fine work thoroughly researched in many areas and binding the appreciation of the reader.

Just a couple of things I noticed that might be of help. Chapter 1. fourth paragraph 'May her eyes be ....as he die(s) a horrible death.'
Then when Tavernier finds Jacob dhying of consumption, it reads 'My Bathsheba, I am here, am I not?' instead of 'are I not.'
Chapter 2. His odd looks 'had never' and not 'never had' attracted interest form the opposite sex.
Further down para 21. There's a word missing 'So the (...) was killed by a murderer.
This is a splendid work and I was thoroughly caught ujp in in it. I would be well pleased to buy this not for just myself but for my son as well who loves this genre.

I wish you every success. It should race to the Ed's desk.

Best wishes,
Katy.xxx.
Phobic Dawn.

Paul, please forgive me. I am going to be absolutely frank.

This manuscript has enormous potential, but I do think it needs more work.

First, you need to do some serious editing. There are too many errors and they need to be corrected (though you may already have done that and not posted the latest version). Let me give you an example. What does this passage mean: "His three passions – sports, landscaping on his back ten and research were usually at odds with most women he knew of"? What is a "back ten"? And, not quite the same point, why should anyone object, per se, to "research"?

But that is just being pedantic. What you have here is the makings of a wonderfully gripping story. Let us see how we can make the telling of it a little more gripping.

I had a slight feeling that the move from Jacob (1660), in Chapter one, to Aumont and Sanchez (2010) in chapter two could have been a little smoother. Many of your readers will not be able to translate the Latin themselves and will, I think, need that sorted out earlier in chapter two than it is at present. But that isn't a major criticism. I think you do manage to hold the readers' attention sufficiently to get them to read on to the end of chapter two.

But then you move us, yet again, to a completely different scene in chapter three and, I fear, many of us will find it difficult to stick with the story at that stage. Is it possible that you are making things just a little too complicated for us? I do, at this stage, have to confess that I have only read the first three chapters. You may say that, when I go on (as I will), I will find everything makes sense. But, and please understand I am not qualified to say all this, I suspect that publishers will, generally, want to be sure that the readers of their books are totally gripped by the story rather earlier than happens in your book (at the moment). In other words, even though you get our attention back in chapter four (as I am sure you will do), most publishers may conclude that you lost it in chapter three and there is no point in taking things any further.

I started this comment by apologising for intending to be frank. Why did I decide to be so frank? The answer, I hope, is obvious: I think this will, one day, become a really good book. I think it could become "THE best work" on the site. But it is not that yet and I honestly think it would be cruel to you to say it is.

Please, please, keep working on the manuscript. Make it absolutely perfect. I really want this book to succeed.

Charles

Hello TinMan,

Well. I have to say this is, by far, THE best work I've read on this site, so far. I thought I'd found it yesterday, but you, by far, blow it away.

I've noticed a bunch of typos that your editor's eye missed--things like me instead of my.

In the first chapter, you use a line, something like, he was the father of all good and ___. I forget the word you used, but even if Christianity is considered to be mythos by some, the common phrase is good and evil. I got the feeling you, as the writer, didn't want to acknowledge the existence of evil, even if that's not the case. Or perhaps you were trying to avoid a cliché, and if that's the case, you are to be commended, but this was the priest doing the talking, and he certainly would've used the term good and evil. Period. Because even Priests realise that if you buy into the idea of God, then logic dictates you must also buy into the idea of the devil. They're kind of a boxed set. ;)

Be careful and edit more carefully your quotation marks when you change paragraphs during dialogue. I saw where you missed a few when beginning the new paragraph for the same speaker.

Just a small point, but so many do it: you wrote, "in the 1600's." If you're speaking of the years in plural, as you are, then you don't use the possessive form. It would be 1600s. No apostrophe.

"Other THEN the fact that he is well-educated...." It's actually THAN. One of my pet peeves. See writers do it all the time, and it bugs me.

Em-dashes--usually used to denote parentheticals by the author--are two, not one, with no spaces between words and the dashes. Strunk & White online. Elements of Style, never goes out of style. ;)

I have put this on my watch list, if for no other reason, than to finally finish it, because to be honest, it's the first thing on this group I've truly wanted to read. You have a skill, my friend, and I'm proud to back this. I hope you rise to the very top with it, because it truly deserves it. I wish there were a way to read it off-line, however. With my Lupus, it hurts to have to sit so long and read, especially when you're doing critiques. So don't expect me to get done with over one or two chapters daily.

Anyway, the dialogue is smooth and very realistic, you've obviously done your research and it's wonderful subject matter.

Well done!

Interesting how you are blending in some Hindu gods with Christianity. This has an adventurous spirit backed with Biblical leanings. I liked the first chapter, but agree with one of your commentors. The 'you will know it when you see it' loses some credibility. Overall, it's very good.
Dina of Last Degree and Halo of the Damned

Well written easy to read have added to my WL
Red

As far as I am concerned, this is a good crime-thriller. If it converted into celluloid, that movie will be a blockbuster one. Characters and their potentialities are very impressive for readers and the description of their hunt for a secret box is certainly thrill readers.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Well written...great plot, fast paced. An exciting tale with great charcters. Who can resist the suspense a mysterious box?
Great work.
Alison Butler

I've read four chapters of The Eye of the Idol. The language could do with a bit of copy editing to iron out some errors but it is direct and workmanlike.

I don't really buy the ...

This is an example of what a real critique looks like. Thanks Jim

I've read four chapters of The Eye of the Idol. The language could do with a bit of copy editing to iron out some errors but it is direct and workmanlike.

I don't really buy the "you'll know it when you see it" mission put to Jacob at the beginning. A jewel is a jewel: there's no harm in telling him what he is after even if it has hidden secrets. Off-hand I can't imagine why the Jesuits would be fussed to steal a jewel; I can't see it having particular religious significance (which means it would not be self-evident to Jacob that it was the object of his mission), but it may be you explain it later.

In writing thrillers (not just yours) chapter 2 can pose a problem. Chapter 1 allows the writer to show off with some flashy effects as he creates his hook. Chapter 2 is where he has to get down to the business of exposition: giving us unfamiliar characters and settings and backstory: often at the expense of action. I felt that Aumont and Sanchez were just talking heads, the exposition was complex and not altogether clear: you need to work on this because it's where you can lose the reader at the outset before he has invested too much time to want to give up.

The scene in the execution building in N Korea was chilling and pretty effective. However I struggled to understand the organisation and the roles of the participants, and neither did I really understand what was being hinted at in the discussion of nuclear weapons and dirty bombs. I don't really accept the idea of Yoo as an executioner and as a foreign intelligence operative. The roles are too different and the latter requires great sophistication unsuited to a drooling psychopath (by way of aside, Dan Brown's psychotic albino monk always seemed to me an implausible assassin if you wanted him to stay at large). Since Dan Brown, there is a good market for this general kind of book and this looks to be a decent enough idea for you to stick with it.

The start of a fascinating story I think, Paul. Well done. A bit like Wilkie Collins 'Moonstone' meets 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.'

I loved your style, the wonderful detailed description and am hooked by the plot.

A couple of minor details you amy want to think about: the consumption caught me by surprise - was that foreshadowed in the prologue? I'm not sure about the 'buggy' - was that a common mode of transport in Asia in 1660? And I couldn't help wondering why how the father had missed his sudden hunchback on his return. Could you perhaps have him 'rubbing his eyes' and 'peering short-sightedly' in the prologue to foreshadow this as well?

Anyway, all the best and good luck with it. I've given it a good rating and it's on my watchlist at the moment.

Susanna

The start of a fascinating story I think, Paul. Well done. A bit like Wilkie Collins 'Moonstone' meets 'Raiders of the Lost Ark.'

I loved your style, the wonderful detailed description and am hooked by the plot.

A couple of minor details you amy want to think about: the consumption caught me by surprise - was that foreshadowed in the prologue? I'm not sure about the 'buggy' - was that a common mode of transport in Asia in 1660? And I couldn't help wondering why how the father had missed his sudden hunchback on his return. Could you perhaps have him 'rubbing his eyes' and 'peering short-sightedly' in the prologue to foreshadow this as well?

Anyway, all the best and good luck with it. I've given it a good rating and it's on my watchlist at the moment.

Susanna

This story certainly is gripping and fast paced. You set the scene and the setting very well. I felt very sorry that Jacob died, but I thought the way it happened was somehow incredibly fitting. I'm really looking forward to what happens next. I love the reality of the world their living in. Good job!

--Shieldmaiden

Paul,
Have read all 8 chapters. Enjoyed it. Very well written. It puts in mind of something akin to an Alastair Maclean style.
you were asking for things we have noticed, a bit nit picky and it isa typo.... the chapter with Nak and Lok in one of the exchanges they have changed places.
I think this will be a huge huge success and it does have cinematic qualities to it also. I wish you every success with it.
:)
Diane
Diane

Paul,

I have read your story and although I found the content to be outside my mainstream pick, I really liked it. You have a unique story and style. And the characters names are just as unique! The text is very detailed however, and I found myself having to pay close attention to what I was reading in order not to get lost. But I have definitely backed your book. Thanks for inviting me to look at it.

Shelly
A Duke from the Past, A Scandalous Tutor

I backed this because of liking your other book so much.rThe plot of this is exciting. I think your main trouble is in the narrative voice. It just doesn't reek of 1660, more like 1960. Can you tweak to make it sound less modern? When Jacob is thinking, I believe that italics is enough. You don't need inverted commas too.

The consumptive is convincing but as if we were in India now.

Good stuff, though. Press on, but not, perhaps, regardless. x

Read chapter 6 on a whim, holy cow! It's exciting, now I'm going to have to go back and spend more time with the rest! Chapters 1 & 2 were familiar from the first time I read so now I'm gonna read the rest. It kind of reminds me of James Rollins or Clive Cussler, huge compliment because I love those guys! Anyway, off to read more, Paul!

Missy

i am fairly sure I backed this remarkably good book under its previous name, but i'm sticking it back on my shelf to make sure.

My failing is my impatience. This well presented story doesn't keep me supplied with enough incentive to stay. Although the first paragraph is pacy and intriguing, the second slows down and begins to paint a new scenario. This often foreshortens my interest unless it immediately shows it's relevance to the storyline and sits comfortably with the preceding chapters. I recognise the author's skill but it does stimulate my need to know. My loss!

This is a really intriguing story and you have obviously done major research to have been able to come up with such imaginative work. Lots of twists and turns and a real page-turner. Backed without hesitation. Lynne, Brooklyn Bridge.

Backed Pandora’s Sister. A compelling blend of biblical knowledge and page-turning suspense. A pulse-quickening, adventure. I agree with others, you need to give the chapters you have posted a quick proofing. Good Luck!
CC Brown
Dark Side

Paul,
Thanks for backing Dark Side.
CC Brown

I just realized that I was so lost in your story I nearly jumped out of my skin when the phone rang. How I have missed this book for so long I have no idea. I must first comment on the dialogue its brilliantly written. I almost felt I was eavesdropping it was so damned good. The flow of your writing is incredibly natural and I only wish I had the same skill, you drive the story on with very little narrative to achieve your goal. This is so good and the premise is a real winner. I found only one nit I believe it was in chapter 2 sorry I should have noted the chapter, you have a missing word ...so the??? was killed by.

Fantastic work and if this is not picked up by a publisher then HC are not doing their job.

Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley

This is quite an engaging thriller. I had read the first chapter and had to put it aside for a few days. Upon returning I had remembered everything, which speaks to the durability of your imagery and plotting. The prose is very economical and unassuming, leaving the reader happily unprepared for some striking plot twists, like the scene in North Korea. Well done.

Liked your cover and wanted to see what was inside. Added Pandora's Sister to our watchlist. Will read and comment on later.
CC Brown
Dark Side

Paul -
Pandora's Sister - An exciting theme. I have great respect for someone who can weave so much knowledge into a historical thriller. While reading, also hopping through chapters, I said to myself, a story-teller, passionate but not trusting the reader's imagination enough. My examples may not be the best, and subjective at that, but here goes ... one onion, fallen from a cart ... is enough. At this point you don't want to draw too much attention to an onion. Also, is it a village or a town? And why not just well? ...' Dear Jesus ... do you need ... he said to himself again ... when it's obvious he's talking to himself. Shorten for effect ... He had never seen so much money, let alone possessed it ... The elegant solution is to take one chapter only, have one masterclass with a brilliant wordsmith and you know what to sculpt out without losing your unique style. The brilliant story deserves no less. I think Charles is spot on there.

Backed with pleasure, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Gotta be honest, too slow for me. The Tails of WIllie Gusty. Who's Charles Cutley?

This is an interesting and very well crafted tale. I had completely lost myself and lost track of time whilst reading what you have posted. Well Done, Backed.

I was saddened that Aumont was murdered. I read what you uploaded. After I finished, I saw that the story traveled in time and place. I enjoyed this and think that you will have readers who wait for your next book.
If you have an appointment for a stress test for your heart, you can cancel it and try the update function here.

This is a thrilling tale, which kept me riveted to my seat, wondering what would happen next. I do not feel qualified to critique your work, and by the looks of it, there are enough readers doing that already. I enjoyed the ride - and that is all I can say. Congratulations on an excellent book. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

This is a gripping story which would make a great quest film. I enjoyed the vividness of the writing and the graphic scenes of suffering and torture (sadistic eh?) The story is complex. Because the narrative switches between time and place, I think you need to make the transitions feed in more smoothly. If you take the transition between Chaps 1 + 2 you could begin with the English translation of the Latin that concluded Chapter 1. Television programmes are ace at this when they change scenes. They’ll perhaps have a character in one scene answering a telephone and a character in the following scene maybe speaking into one. It’s all a matter of making it less of a jolt for viewer/reader. There is a deal of historical detail in the story and references to actual events. For some reason the Dr Crippen/Le Neve one clunked a bit. I liked the cold look in the eye of le Neve which echoed perhaps the eye of Kali. Perhaps a briefer and more resonating reference would work. As a lapsed Catholic I would refer to the Pope as the Holy Father though I’m not sure about how he would refer to him 1600s. I also feel that Jacob’s Jesuitical training would allow him to accept manipulations of the truth a little more readily than he appears to in Chapter 1. There are numerous typos Paul and you need to go through it with a fine comb. But a very enjoyable read and I’d buy it – so shelved with pleasure. ..

This is a gripping story which would make a great quest film. I enjoyed the vividness of the writing and the graphic scenes of suffering and torture (sadistic eh?) The story is complex. Because the narrative switches between time and place, I think you need to make the transitions feed in more smoothly. If you take the transition between Chaps 1 + 2 you could begin with the English translation of the Latin that concluded Chapter 1. Television programmes are ace at this when they change scenes. They’ll perhaps have a character in one scene answering a telephone and a character in the following scene maybe speaking into one. It’s all a matter of making it less of a jolt for viewer/reader. There is a deal of historical detail in the story and references to actual events. For some reason the Dr Crippen/Le Neve one clunked a bit. I liked the cold look in the eye of le Neve which echoed perhaps the eye of Kali. Perhaps a briefer and more resonating reference would work. As a lapsed Catholic I would refer to the Pope as the Holy Father though I’m not sure about how he would refer to him 1600s. I also feel that Jacob’s Jesuitical training would allow him to accept manipulations of the truth a little more readily than he appears to in Chapter 1. There are numerous typos Paul and you need to go through it with a fine comb. But a very enjoyable read and I’d buy it – so shelved with pleasure. ..

I have started to read Paul. Your book is on my watchlist. I have skimmed opening - well written - and engaging. Will get back to you. Yours Marilyn

hi paul 'PANDORA'S SISTER'

Agree, it has great potential indeed. this rollicking adventure thriller has everything,suspense intrigue the lot,as Jacob set out to find the object. it is one good literary read
will read more
backed with pleasure /
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'.
would like you to back mine if you have time thanks

Totally fascinating. The opening sequences are especially good. So far, I have read through chapter three. Backed with my best regards, Jedward (Knut)

Hi Paul,

You can certainly write well. This is not my reading material--nothing against your writing at all--i just wouldn't buy into this type of book. But you have a great flow and description is just enough to move the story on. I'd pull out anything that needs to be translated though, and get a character to do it verbally or in their heads etc. as readers will skim things like this. As for the great Dan Brown fans--seriously--read "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail" and you will soon see some rather similar plot points even if he did win the court case.

Good luck

Sar

Paul, this is a very interesting and compelling story, and your style is clear and straightforward. I like the mystery, and it does have the ring of Dan Brown, but, aside from some typos and editing issues, your writing is better than Dan Brown's. Backed.
Nancy Kilgore SEA LEVEL - if you have a chance, take a look. Thanks.

An awesome read that's filled with sub plots woven in the craftmanship like the patch work in a garment. You keep us total focused with every word that written. C W

Paul, I'm finding this fascinating. Your writing style makes me wish you'd been *discovered* long before Dan Brown... and that, perhaps, you'd written the Da Vinci first!! A literary thriller and a half, that would surely have been so. Your Biblical knowledge shines as brightly as the idol's eyes, and you know how to draw readers in, just as the storytellers of old India did. A stunning hook starts this story, and that hook stays in the eyes of the beholder!

What a terrible feat our Jesuit Priest, Jacob, is tasked with, and how the frailty of humankind is proven. And those eyes - blue diamonds, I am thinking, that have certainly left a trail of destruction in their wake, and probably will forever more.

BEFORE I say any more, I must tell you of one very important omission so hopefully you can either address it quickly or tell me where to go... In the Latin translation, it's missing "Jacob", and we have Sanchez and Aumont referring to Jacob. SO, I think you could translate the line "Abbas Ingnatius, indulgeo vestri vernula Jacob pro deficio vos!" as -
"Father Ignatius, forgive your servant Jacob for failing you!" (You have "........forgive me for failing you.")

AND, nitpick-nitpick - It's "1600s" (not "1600's"). (Smacked wrist, you.).
Few others in that chapter, actually -
"So the -- was killed by a murderer?" Missing word - "suspect"??
Plus a few dialogue quotes missing.
The other thing with that chapter, I think you might consider a little less description of Aumont and Sanchez up front - perhaps weave it in a little more during the dialogue, or even later on.

As for the Koreans.... my God. Very well done, with poor old Lok. You've captured his feelings, and we live through the horror of Yoo's actions with him. His mission, along with the back-stabbing junior Nak, will be a thrill-ride. I'll be very interested, too, to see what a *concrete sub* is... no comms. cable? Something *deeply* sinister, I'll be bound. VERY funny about their learning how to construct the warheads from an American science paper! (And very true - amazing what I found with a little digging - and getting strange looks in the science reading rooms when researching a thriller!! - she said with zipped lip.)

Back to the first part, and this really did draw me in, I have to say. (The maps will be out later...ha.) But the language, the whole feel, mystery and sheer wickedness of what goes on in the Superior's chamber, is delicious. As for Tavernier, he's a man I found myself wishing we could see more of, in a perverse way. Perhaps diamonds have corrupted his soul long ago, but then, perhaps, a mercy for poor Jacob, and what will inevitably be his own merciful end with what he finally sees.
Nitpick typos - "guilded" - is "gilded" (the temple doors).
"........'till we meet, my friend." ("...'til we meet, my friend.")
"..lightening" - is "lightning".
A few "then" words here and there, which should be "than"
"I am here, are I not?" I think this should be either "I am here, am I not?" or "I am here, are not I?"

Did I say in a message, I hope there's *Hope* in that box? The eye(s) must be returned... (crossing self.). Hope for mankind, perhaps, to do the right thing.

Backed for this writer's sheer literary style, knowledge and hand of a thriller-writer par excellence.

From Kay
(Waystation to Prosperity Street).

You have my admiration on two counts; your writing is here (and excellent by the way) so you are open to criticism and you write historical fiction which opens you up to a whole other facte of criticism (I cannot help here but suspect your research has been meticulous. I cannot add to the comments with anything refreshing so I give what I have top give.

BACKED

Ive had a dip into your book and have to say 'Wow'. The scope here is huge and your writing is very detailed indeed. I can imagine this being a best seller for sure. Needs some editing, but then dont we all?
Awesome cover also!
Good luck with this!
Backed,
Simon Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

hi Paul,

you have woven together a nice knit of various types of embroidery silks, pearls, beads,dried fruits, soft grasses, jute, hemp and wool. The ensuing picture, while slightly confusing, allows the reader to draw their own allegories from the tale.
While some paragraphs threaten to throw a blanket of guilt, others lack sense of moral involvement, leaving us without guide or torchbearer, forcing us to find our own stand and convictions amongst the warring perspectives. I liked this aspect as it provided tension. Some of your viewpoints may be enhanced by cutting out unnecessary scenes or dialogues, even if they add atmosphere or provide an extra sense of irony, i.e. ch2.

Stunning intellectual tapestry. Already backed.

I thought the first chapter quite powerful and the plot seems well worked out. However, the information dump in the later part, e.g. 5 does take away from the reader's involvement with the characters. this may be my short-comings, as a lot of successful books, eg Dan Brown, have this effect on me.
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Nice pitch, awesome cover, well researched and written.
Loved the talking to his shoes bit. I brought him to life for me.

Suz

Very interesting main . . . talking to his shoes, brought a biblical figure into modern day, a colorful and seemingly fearless character.

Very good skills here.

Suz

I think you've hit on a really original plot line and the execution is good. Your erudition or research convinces and i'm sure this book will be worth its cover price
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

I have just read the first chapter and will read on as soon as I have time. This is a fascinating story that has been well researched. I will read further before deciding whether to back or not, but will keep it on my W/L and continue to peruse it.

You really know your Bible pointing out that Jacob is the grandson. Abraham's wife being a half-sister. I didn't know that. Interesting to know the Pope is called Superior.
The Latin is fascinating and enjopyable as it is translated a little further on. It is not just a gripping story it is also an intellectual delight.
Your book makes compelling reading but it is also a mine of information which enrichens the story.
Further down I realized your knowledge of Hunduism is just as vast. There are so many sects and cults in Hinduism you drew it together so well. Also the geograhical and historical information really structures and deepens the novel.

This is definitely a fine work thoroughly researched in many areas and binding the appreciation of the reader.

Just a couple of things I noticed that might be of help. Chapter 1. fourth paragraph 'May her eyes be ....as he die(s) a horrible death.'
Then when Tavernier finds Jacob dhying of consumption, it reads 'My Bathsheba, I am here, am I not?' instead of 'are I not.'
Chapter 2. His odd looks 'had never' and not 'never had' attracted interest form the opposite sex.
Further down para 21. There's a word missing 'So the (...) was killed by a murderer.
This is a splendid work and I was thoroughly caught ujp in in it. I would be well pleased to buy this not for just myself but for my son as well who loves this genre.

I wish you every success. It should race to the Ed's desk.

Best wishes,
Katy.xxx.
Phobic Dawn.

Convincingly told with tantilising references that feed the curiosity. Not having read further than the first chapter, I get the impression that this is not light reading and that focused reading is required to stay with the stories progression. Technically it needs editing and could become a successful work.

Paul, I'll do you the courtesy of being frank. Like Charles, I think this could be a really good book fitting well into the current craze for religious artefact stories. But I think you need to work on the delivery. That, of course, is just my opinion and I could be dead wrong. I found myself tripping up on word echoes and choreography, in particular. I'll give you a list of things to consider. I can't help but feel that your prologue could use a restructure. You have a flashback within the prologue and then a great many pieces of internal monolgue as he sits on a deserted anthill. (Interesting choice of seats). Chapter 1 then follows on directly from the prologue. So why is it a prologue?

Stretched, outstretched in same sentence

Is he in the same deserted town where he got the water? ‘The last bit of cheese he had previously eaten’ – a bit ugly. Besides, it would only come up once wouldn’t it? Or down.

Shook himself off???

Expensive turned shoe?
Little light … helped little
‘did’ their prayers – muttered, said, mumbled

The description of Jacob with the Sita image is confusing. He lowers himself to the ground, looks at her face, turns back to her face and is astounded, grovels – and all this seems to happen at the same time.

Nice job. The dialog is intelligent and the historical "flashbacks" lend a sense of realism. One quibble: trying not to be too much of a spoiler for other readers, but at the end of what you've posted it now seems that attention is shifting away from "the eye of the idol" to the contents of "the box". This makes it seem like the title and the prologue were a red herring of sorts. I hope they get tied back together somehow. Otherwise the reader is going to be disappointed. Jim

Dear Paul,
You've chosen your book cover well - it's quite eye catching. I like your use of italics, and the dialog is good too. I think the description of the disgusting food and results of impure water consumption is nicely written. Nice job!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

The biggest thing on Jacob's mind was how he failed his Jesuit assignment when he stole the object he was asked to 'acquire' for the church. Little did he know that what he had done would initiate events that would not only lead to several beheadings and murders, but the sinking of the Empress of Ireland, and much more.

Follow the trail of SIS agent Coleman, Detective Antonin and Professor Sanchez as they piece the puzzle together while running a race against time and against enemies: the obscure group the Black Hand, North Korean and Chinese agents.

DON'T UNDERSTAND THE FRST LINE OF THE PITCH. COME TO THAT, NONE OF HAS MUCH CAUSE & EFFECT, OR MUCH APPEAL.

Their goal? The Box and its incredible contents.

A QUEST FOR A MCGUFFIN...LET'S SEE...


The Eye of the Idol
Prologue
1660 A.D.
“You are to seek out the temple of the Hindu abomination called Sita, located somewhere on the Coleroon river, and you are to search carefully for an object of great importance on or near the idol.”

OKAY. I'M GAME FOR PREPOSTEROUS PLOTS. LOVE EM.

The instructions ran through Jacob’s mind as they had a hundred times before. He looked down at the bag sitting between his outstretched legs, the drawstring stretched fully open. The hardened bread had disappeared two days ago, but the corners of the bag still had crumbs of cheese and bread, together with lint and the brown dust that seemed to impregnate all the nooks and crannies of any traveller walking these roads. And one onion, a lone refugee fallen from some cart. He concentrated on the onion and the disgusting mixture, wondering if bile would rise in his throat were he to try eating any of it. In the end, Jacob decided it didn’t matter. Two days before, upon entering a deserted village, he had filled his water skin at the town well and taken a hefty drink. Within six hours he realized his mistake - the town well had obviously been ‘purified’ with cow dung, and the last bit of cheese he had previously eaten kept coming up in violent fits since then.

OKAY, GOOD ENOUGH. BUT CAN WE GET MORE INTO HIS HEAD? HEAR HIS INTERNAL VOICE WORKING?

‘Dear Jesus, why was I sent here?’ [he said to himself again CUT]. He looked around the ramshackle town[, and could already see CUT] Smoke [ CUT] rising ROSE from a number of areas in the early morning sun. The upper range of mountains where the source of the Coleroon river was found looked beautiful in the distance WHO TO?, but they might as well be a mirage to him, as the heat already rising from the plains surrounding Kanakapura added to his torment. The heat was brutal, almost as bad as what he imagined hell to be. And then there were the people – less than the mass of humanity he'd encountered in Calcutta, but a dirty, impoverished, desperate and poor mass nonetheless. Fortunately, they recognized him as more of a beggar than they were, and usually left him alone. YOU ARE STILL TELLING US HOW HE FEELS...LET'S LIVE IT WITH HIM NOW.
He thought back to his assignment. NO NO NO!!! GET ON WITH THE STORY!!! After spending thirteen years in Gujarat teaching in the new school established there by his three cum pane[1], he was recalled to Jerusalem in a terse note that included no specific details, and more importantly, enough money to charter a ship from the port in Jamnagar to infidel territory in Guraine[2], and from there, on the treacherous road that led to Jerusalem where the Superior General was now temporarily located.
At first it seemed as if he had done something wrong, though he couldn’t fathom what, but the money quickly told him otherwise. He had never seen so much money, let alone had it in his possession. But that wasn’t the most notable thing – according to the note the request, if you could call it that, for him to go to Jerusalem came from none less than the pope himself. After four months of travelling and by the grace of Christ, he had made it without being robbed, only to receive more terse, cryptic instructions from the Superior General in the Jesuit office. If it weren’t for the years of respect beaten into him, he would have laughed.
A cold, sickly sweat ran down Jacob’s forehead as he sat on that anthill, WHAT ANTHILL? WHERE OR WHEN ARE WE NOW? but his mind had travelled back to the curious event, and he sat imagining it as if seeing the view from above. Kneeling with bowed head, the near-disembodied instructions floated through the air as voices tend to do from the elite priests, cardinals, bishops and others. He would have been slightly jealous of their ability, had he not recognized his own limitations.
“You are to seek out the temple of the Hindu abomination called Sita, located somewhere on the Coleroon river, and you are to search carefully for an object of great importance on or near the idol.” YOU'VE TOLD US THAT, HAVEN'T YOU? THE VERY FIRST LINE. I'VE LOST FAITH IN THE STORY NOW, CAN'T WORK OUT WHAT IS GOING ON.
He quietly waited until the echo of the words died away, but nothing more was coming. “Superior, the river is long, and the area hostile to Christians. How will I be able to find this object?” What he really meant to say was how a Christian priest would find it without being killed, as had been a number of missionaries the year before.
“You are to disguise yourself as a beggar. Your skin is well tanned, and you look somewhat like one. You speak the language well, do you not?” The Superior looked down on the kneeling Jesuit, waiting for confirmation.
“Well, I speak Hindi passably well, sir. But there are many languages...”
“Excellent!” the Superior interrupted, clearly not wanting to hear more. “Ask. Tell people you want to worship at Sita’s temple.” The Superior saw the uncertainty in Jacob’s face. It was obvious he was troubled, and guessed as to the reason.
“Jacob, you were named after the son of the patriarch, were you not?”
He didn’t know how to reply. Jacob was the grandson of Abraham, not his son, but he wouldn’t dare correct the Superior General, so he ended up nodding.
“Well, did not Abraham lie about his wife, calling her his sister when Pharaoh and...and...”
“Abimelech...”
“...of course, Abimelech – when they wanted her for their wife? Did not David clothe himself in madness in the wilderness so he could escape from the Philistine king? Remember! Saliva drooled down his lips and beard; he make childish cross markings on the city gate...They did what they had to do.
You are on a mission for Christ. We chose you well.” He looked into Jacob’s eyes for the first time. “Or did we?”
“Yes, Superior,” he replied. It was true, except that Abraham’s wife was really a half sister, and so it technically wasn’t a lie. However, Moses did lie when he told Pharaoh he wanted to take the Israelites away for three days. Prove yourselves cautious as serpents and yet innocent as doves. Guard yourselves against men. 
“And the object I am looking for?”
“The object...is astounding...” the Superior said, forgetting himself as his eyes temporarily glazed over. He shook himself off and added “...and of immense value to the church. Use any means necessary to acquire it, and once in your possession, return as quickly as possible with the item. Tell no one, not even the company. You are being sent on your own, and if stopped, your only response should be that you are on a pilgrimage to worship at the Shrine of Sita on the Coleroon River. On your return, you are to say that you have seen the mercy of Sita and want to tell others about it. That is all.”
“But how will I recognize the object?” Jacob cried, trying hard to control his frustration amidst Superior’s shortening patience.
Superior sighed. “I was told that if you look into the abomination’s eyes, she will tell you. Now go!”
He got up and as he turned to leave, he spied a cloaked figure standing in the shadows of Superior General’s meeting room. He hadn’t noticed him before, and felt somewhat embarrassed at his outburst now that he knew the man had been watching. Jacob continued walking, knowing there was nothing he could do. Although the figure was wearing the cloak of a monk with the hood carefully drawn over his head, Jacob noticed his expensive turned shoes, which clearly indicated he was either of noble birth or rich and not the monk he was pretending to be. Jacob passed him without saying anything, and left the room. I'M JUST SKIMMING TRYING TO FIND MY WAY BACK TO THE NOW. AND HE WASN'T EVEN DOING ANYTHING INTERESTING.

I'M STOPPING. FALSE START, I'M AFRAID.