On Your Mark, Get Set, Stop!

Julie,

This book wonderful. I only intended to read the prologue, as I like to see how similar books/concepts to my own are written. BUT I couldn't stop reading. You writing is effortless and the book deserves to be in this weeks top rated YA. Even in Ky's most upsetting moments, your words are warm. If I have one criticism, it would be that some of the longer speeches could be broken up a little to make it easier to read but I couldn't fault anything else. I have put this on my bookshelf.

As a similar author, I'd be very grateful for your critique of my novel, if you have the time.

Laura Bailey
Beneath the Blossom Tree

Hi Julie,

I was just wandering authonomy and your book caught my eye so I popped in for a look and a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Hmmm I'm intrigued by Kylie from the start. why is she in a sleeping bag, I wonder? What happened to the bed? Mysterious. I'll have to read on and find out ;).

I've 1 tiny suggestion here. Occasionally, I think some of your paragraphs feel pretty long, especially for a children's book. They could make for intimidating blocks of text on printed pages. Is there any way you could paragraph a bit more often to make the reading easier and quicker for thickos like me? ;)

Reading on... Aha kylie's moving house. That explains the odd sleeping arrangement. I bet such a move will be traumatic for her, leaving the place she knows so well and losing her friends. Poor Kylie :(. No wonder she's been crying so much. Looks like her parents are oblivious to her misery though; they just seem fixated on the dad's new job. Good dialogue between her and her dad. It comes across he obviously does love her, but the job seems too good an opportunity to pass up.

Ah they're going to Seattle. Wow I bet Ky will find that really rainy and depressing after Sacramento. I liked the mum's campaign to cheer up Ky and convince her Seattle would be a good p;ace to live. I thought the attempt was v sweet. i almost laughed at the 1 taped by the toilet. This mum's persistent! ;)

I've a small suggestion here on dialogue. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "Kylie groaned. "Mom, normal people don't get up at five o'clock on a Saturday morning..." " I'd rejig to something like " "Mom, normal people don't get up at five o'clock on a Saturday morning". Kylie groaned. "Do you hear...""

Reading on... I like the bickering between the girls. Feels like a genuine family's interactions. By the end of the 1st chapter, though, it look like nothing Ky can do or say will change a thing. They're going to Seattle. :(

Chapter 2: Wow Ky's dad's dressed in an embarrasing way. I can almost feel her stomach sinking when she sees him. He sounds v organised, though. Hannah seems like she's going to act unbreably during the trip and Mum seems impatient and angry. This is going to be a very long and unpleasant drive for Ky, I think :(. Funny interaction between the girls again. Sisters really can argue like nobody else on this planet, can't they? ;)

I’ve a tiny suggestion here. In general, I think it’s best to avoid forms of started/began as actions don’t really start. They just happen. eg instead of “... so many times her fingers started cramping...” I think “... so many times her fingers cramped...” would work better.

Reading on... It's so sad Ky will be losing Sam. The 2 sounded virtually inseperable. Good job the songwriting helped pass the time, though. The journey could have seemed v long otherwise. I almost laughed aloud when it occured to her throwing up might get her out of school. Every cloud has a silver lining. ;)

Chapter 3: Seattle at last. And the house is a lot better than feared. Everyone seems happy with the new place. no wonder the dad took the job. Looks like he must be getting paid a lot better ;). I love Albert the dog. He's chaos in canine form ;). Then, amazingly, Ky seems to be warming to Seattle. This is a miracle I thought would never happen ;). To be fair, the scenery does sounds beautiful. You do a great job of conveying that. Ah and there's Chinese food coming too. things are getting better and better. :)

I've a small suggestion. I think you don't need to explain your dialogue quite so much. eg in "Not to be outdone, Hannah said, "I'm so hungry..." ” I don't think you need any of the explanation as the dialogue does such a good job of letting the reader know what's going on. We know Hannah's saying that not to be outdone. I think just " "I'm so hungry..." " would read better and faster. Your dialogue's good. Let it shine on its own merits. ;)

Reading on... I liked the tornado reference with the clothes scattered on the floor. Fun and an accurate description. By the end of the chapter, things look a lot mroe hopeful than expected. I wonder how things will turn out for Ky and her family in the future. :)

Uh oh I just saw how long this comment's getting. Sorry, I guess I got a bit carried away by your story. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here. The heart and soul of it is the family, and their natural and readable interactions. The characters are all sympathetic, and are well drawn and believable. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue genuinely feels real. I especially like the way you get us inside Ky's head, making us share her unhappiness and trepidation. At the end of each section, I wanted to read on and find out what new developments your story had in store for her. :)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work.

Best of luck,

Pete

Thanks again for backing Whither Thou Goest. Sorry it’s taken me so long to get to On Your Mark…. So behind!

Your pitch is fine, but I think you could punch it up a little. You’ve got some passive voice, your verbs are low key, and the sentence construction is pretty conversational. To change it up, consider using shorter sentences and conveying the story arc with short sentences and active verbs. Something like (and I haven’t read the story yet so I’m making this stuff up):

Kylie’s dog got hit by a train. Her new teacher spits when she talks. And her dad is four hundred miles away. Why couldn’t she just move back to ___, where the sun knew how to shine and she had friends who thought she was cool?...

You’re a good writer – a natural – but the writing feels a little raw, like it’s an early draft. I see a lot of “telling” instead of “showing.” Instead of telling us she did this, and then this, because she felt this and thought this, take us into the scene and let us go through it with her beat by beat. For example, in Chapter 9, in the paragraph beginning “Anna and Kylie played ‘hangman” to pass the time,” the audition is the point of the chapter, but that is the part you put into narrative (showing) instead of beat by beat action.

You’re using a fairly distant point of view. I think of it as a camera lens, zooming in and out, and unlike changing points of view, you can use different distances in the same scene. You can start out describing a town, then a house in the town, then a room in the house. In the closest point of view, you put the reader entirely into the viewpoint character’s head, experiencing the action beat by beat and understanding everything through the character’s filters, perceptions and understanding. The advantage of having such a close point of view is that it engages the reader’s interest and emotion. The disadvantage is that the reader can only see & experience what the character sees and experiences. At this point, we’re following along with Kylie and Anna, but we’re not feeling it with Kyle, the viewpoint character. We should feel her face heat when the kids comment and feel her heart pound when she steps up to the microphone. We should see Anna and Mr.
Lewis through her eyes.

Related to that, your characters seem to be functioning against a white backdrop. You need to build a setting for your scenes. Long passages of description are out, but you still need to give the reader a sense of the environment around them. Have the characters interact with the environment, rocking in the chair, spinning a pencil on the scratched surface of a desk, sipping lukewarm water from the drinking fountain. Use the five senses – the smell of chalk or springtime in the air, the sound of kids calling to each other as they play basketball, the screech of microphone feedback, the rough feel of cinderblock walls as she trails her finger on the walk to class… All of these descriptions should be worked into the narrative without interrupting it.
So instead of “This is no way to treat the oldest teacher in school,” she cried. “I’m so angry.”
Change it To: “This is no way to treat the oldest teacher in school.” She slammed the eraser on the chalkboard tray, sending a cloud of yellow dust billowing around her head.

This is going to be a fun story with lots of appeal to the little guys – best of luck with it!

ON YOUR Mark, Get Set, Stop: I like this. Kylie has a great voice and I totally related with her not wanting to move away from CA. I read through chpt. 3 and will keep it on my radar to come back and read more. Well done!

Heidi
Pearl Edda

Julie Miller:

I can so sympathize with Ly on having to move away from everything that was so familiar to her. Change is sometimes a very scary thing, even as adults, but often when we embrace it we find there are benefits to be had on that new journey. This is, however, a pretty hard thing for a little girl to grasp. This appears to be a heart warming story. Through Ly's struggles perhaps other girls out there will be able to draw strength and the will to move forward in spite of their struggles. Best of luck with this. Backed.

Ida L. (Silent Storm)

Top marks Julie. I think your story is a great way to inspire young women. The world can be a tough place to live in at times, and your book could be a great tool for growth, and understanding, for many. Beautifully written. I wish you well. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

I do love the concept of this story and the eventual adjustment and resignation necessary when a move in under way. I like your character development as well. Their physical journey is also including the reader on their emotional journey and I'm anxious to see what the "destination " is, other than Seattle. Just a few suggestions: I would shorten the beginning to grab reader faster and eliminate some of the feelings, such as waking up and letting her eyes pan the empty room, but remember what had been in place there. The dialogue is what grabs, so I might also split some paragraphs to lessen the "grey field." I'll be happy to back when I clear my shelf.

Backed and read this 80 days ago but it is always good to read it again. You write superbly and the story is appealing. Kylie is well a well drawn character and she would certainly be loved by YA readers. The story flows well and I am glad that Kylie finds faith in God. Growing up is always hard and moving isn't easy.

Great read.

Ordinarily I'd offer advice if I could see a fault in somebody's work. Here I cannot offer advice because I can see no fault. Backed.

Julie,

Forgive the sloppy spellings in my comment. I was in a rush to fetch a friend from the station. It used to be possible to edti a comment. The facility suffers from a glitch.

Julie -

On Your Mark, Get Set, Stop! - Leaving and all one's friends behind, a theme many children will identify with. I red two chapters, by chapter I became engaged, the departure shows us the family, it gets lively, and Kylie's father is well drawn as a quirky character. Chapter 1 might benefit from being tightened a little. Love the title.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

On Your Mark, Get Set, Stop! is a marvelous story which should appeal to young adults and have a positive influence on all your readers. Backed with enthusiasm.

A book perfect for all ages. Sensitive and thought provoking. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

You have finely crafted a very compelling character in Kylie and written a most interesting storyline. Your Christian messages clearly shine through and all of this coupled with your descriptive writing ensures that your book will appeal to the YA audience, especially to the girls. Backed with pleasure.

Cheers,
Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

A great read. Solid imagery and excellent dialogue for a children's book. Highly recommended!

Hi Julie, You’ve captured Kylie’s personality in her reaction to the move. She’s a good-natured girl so when she's protesting, it's about something that really matters. Hannah’s comment at the end of Chap 1 is funny. There might be a bit too much explaining while the dialogue feels spontaneous. Off to a good start! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This is the perfect read with something for everyone. Backed 100%

Liz
The Cheech Room

I really like your style of writing. Your clever dialogue draws the reader right into the story. The message is terrific and the story one all girls will love. Thank you.

What a well written book. I can't wait to buy it for my granddaughter!

Kylie had cried so much she thought 'she might wither away from lack of water'. Excellent and original image.
You create her world very well. The narration is fluent, a good read for YA, but thoughtful. Sometimes moving house can be exciting but you make it very clear that to Kylie it will be a wrench. This seems to be a common theme amongst YA and must be a big concern for them. I'm sure for that reason and because of the quality of the writing it will do very well. Backed. Lynn

Dear Julie
What a good book. I started reading this some time ago and just wanted to let you know, now finished. I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

nice idea for young girls. keep writing!
shalom,
j

A treat of a read.

surely backed

THE THIRD EYE

I am just learning this site, and feel a bit like I'm swimming upstream, so appreciate your comments. Do you know why, when I type genre's into the search my book doesn't come up? And how did you find it? I don't know if people address each other or not, so if I don't hear back that's fine. I look forward to reading your book and discovering how this site works. Thank you so much. I appreciate your comments.

Welcome aboard, Julie. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. For this genre, both pitches work. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I am just learning this site, and feel a bit like I'm swimming upstream, so appreciate your comments. Do you know why, when I type genre's into the search my book doesn't come up? And how did you find it? I don't know if people address each other or not, so if I don't hear back that's fine. I look forward to reading your book and discovering how this site works. Thank you so much. I appreciate your comments.

Welcome aboard, Julie. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. For this genre, both pitches work. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Welcome aboard, Julie. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. For this genre, both pitches work. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book on the website, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Dear Julie,
Wow how does one find these wonderful gems in their heads. CONGRATS. Characters that are so real they want to move in with me, and certainly wont leave my head. Original storyline, and so well crafted.
BACKED by me for sure.....My book is a different genre but crossing over gave me the opportunity to comment and back your talent. Please take the time to comment on mine so I may improve my skill, and if you feel so back it.

Best of luck
Denise
The Letter

ON YOUR MARK
I used to live in Seattle and remember the daily rain so your pitch jumped out at me. You’ve created a good character in Kylie; she’s a little overwhelmed by a big city but she’s also likable and spunky and that makes her a good character to follow to see how her life plays out after such an abrupt change. I think you’ll find an audience of young adults for this who are also trying to find out who they are. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Dear Julie, I love you heroine & her ultimate choices - this is what happened to my daughter, too, in the earlie '90s in Seattle airport area - she's now been back to Southern California for 10 years - praise God & is active in church - praise God - oh, I got goosebumps & tears. ;( God is good & prayers work. :) Thanks for writing & sharing your book. :) May your write many more books pointing to God - the answer for everything. :) He loves us. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."
backed :)
Love, Susie :)