WATER IS THICKER THAN BLOOD

I got wrapped up in your story. I am not one of the expert writers you are asking for but I shall do my best. I found one typo in chapter 1:

“Her bared his teeth”

I also think there are way too many commas...(something I have to watch myself!)
when Bridget comes into the story, I wished for more information earlier. I want to know that Eileen has a sister at the beginning.
Good luck! If you have a chance I would appreciate a return read. Thanks!
Georgia
http://www.authonomy.com/books/38389/the-woman-from-e-a-r-l-/

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

A thoroughly interesting book.

A thoroughly interesting book.

ITs chapter 6 and someone is pregnant, someone is gay and someone needs a sound beating. Plenty of interesting things going on here. Shelved.

Marian,

Hmmm, your pitch puts forth some interesting thoughts.
Set in a country I love is always a nice way to begin. Startling opening scene, one that I am glad not to partake in. Her family is awful. This beating and the sister hiding and watching is gripping enough to force me to turn the page. I like suspense.
With the shift to 1980, I was a bit thrown. The former chapter was not a prologue. Hmm. I wonder if you should title it that only because your story is not set in 1935. I am not one to recommend prologues, infact I sometimes tell people to take them out. Your opening is gripping and should not be extracted but I just wonder for the transition to the next chapter and the ones after that, that’s all. Having said that, I do think the phone call was a brilliant way to tie in the characters involved. :)

I like your story. I like how she still has a sense of caring when life has been crap.

Your chapters are nice and short which makes breezing through them easy.

I DID find SOMETHING to get you on! In the uploaded “chapter 4” you have chapters 4 & 5 , lol, and then chapter 5 is uploaded again…. Not really anything bad :p I can’t fault the writing, it is lovely. I like these characters and want to spend more time with them!

Shelved,
Gina
(Feeling Perfection)

Hallo Marian.
I'm here at last, I've had laser eye surgery which put my reading behind, sorry for the delay. I've read a few chapters and I've enjoyed them very much. I have one major criticism and that is there seem to be quite a lot of minor typos. The good thing about this is that it's one of the easiest things to get right, I find that printing off a copy and getting someone to check it works best, doing it yourself you read what you meant to write rather than what you actually wrote, if that makes sense.
A couple of examples.
Chapter 2.Para 3. End of first line, 'why did she' should read 'why had she'
Para begins ''When she heard...' Line 'Looking (for) the recipe.
Para begins. 'When she heard...' Line 'Do you think Paddy Maguire('s)
Para begins. 'Eileen's head...' Line 'High sky' should this be 'Sky high' unless it's a malopropism, in which case ignore me.
I've glanced through other's comments. Obviously a lot of them contain good advice and after all that's what we're on here for. Some however tend to reflect what they want to read rather than what you want to write. One such comment was that your second chapter 'goes a bit flat.' There's nothing wrong with this, not everyone wants to read 'crash, bang, wallop fiction.' What I'm saying is, write what you want to write, don't be bullied into changing the story you want to tell. I haven't read a great deal yet but I've found it very readable. It's peopled by characters I can believe in and there is a lovely hint of mystery and understated menace about it.
Best wishes Don.

maza this is fantasic stuff. the writing is beautiful and in the first sentence you tell us so much about eileen, the weather, her house, her history. i also liked your pitch which was elegant and tempting and did not try to condense your novel. well done.
now we are with bridget hiding from the violence, shocked and frightened; now the rescue, wincing with eileen as vincent runs home with her. the threat about someone paying (leads us into the future plot) keeps me gripped.
chapter two - such a relief to have moved forward and to another place, away from the suffering - but then comes the phone call and i am on edge again.

brilliant, maza, love it. on the shelf.
Maitreyi (BLOGSPOT)

Hi Maza,
I’ve just read your first four chapters. Chapter 1 is certainly very dramatic with the poor Eileen O’Connor nearly beaten to death by her father – and what a screaming banshee of a mother she has! Good on her sister for seeking help with the O’Connolly’s and although it’s harsh I can believe that the neighbours wouldn’t risk her father's wrath by calling the police.

I felt like chapter two was a huge drop in energy compared to the first. I understand you wanting to keep the mystery of Eileen’s miraculous escape to London a mystery for later, but here we have this intense opening and then Eileen is middle-aged, fat, obsessive about the housework and talking to her cat in a dreary boarding house when she gets a call from Ireland asking her a favour.

It’s almost like you could combine chapters two and three keeping in her dread of the girl coming but not taking us through it step by step. It’s enough character reference to know she’s feeling unattractive - like she’s got enough lines for British rail - that she’s obsessive about cleaning and sharp with the boy and that the granddaughter of her arch nemesis has come to stay. Paul’s line about his mother saying he cleans better than a girl is good as it shows us there’s something feminine about this lodger.

By chapter four, narrated from Kate’s POV it picks up again.

Anyway, I hope that is somehow helpful. The story has a sound foundation and there’s enough drama for people to turn the pages, I just think you just need to work a little more on how it is structured at the beginning.

Cheers, Heather, Friends & Pho

I have not much to say beyond I enjoyed reading this, and am caught up enough in the story to want more.

I can only comment as a reader because I have had no training whatsoever as a writer. The story is carrying me through and I have watch listed you. I can certainly read on, this could be a very different take on the things we think we know and show a fresh side to the Irish viewpoint. Well done. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi there,

I do like this, but the switches from one character to another are a bit abrupt, and without the benefit of some indication of break such as a *** *** *** I had to pop back and forth to see which character I was with.

I don't mind multiple pov's, in fact I enjoy switching from one character to another but I think you either need a smoother transition from one to the other, or clear breaks.

Other than that I was confused on how old Eileen was when she was running away. It seemed as though she was a grown woman, especially when we're then with the sister and she's talking about how she's brought up her nieghbours children,, but then I'm thinking if the sisters are grown women, why don't they leave?

I can hear the voices though, and see the characters and you certainly have an element of excitement and 'what next' in this. Sounds like there is a good plot and a story to follow.

Let me know if you do an edit and I'll come back and look again, would like to read more.

Cheers

Lorrii

Okay, I've finished chapter 6, and I think that's all I really have time for since my wl is so long... I wish I could read more, because I'm very interested and I know there's much much more to the story. I'm one of those annoying people who gets distracted by punctuation and such, so I can't back it, but if you get it updated I'd love to have another read. I think you've got the makings of a good story, I'm just so distracted by the minor issues... let me know if you get it a little more polished and then I can add it to my shelf. I'll keep it on my watchlist. (I hope this doesn't sound too snotty, because I don't want to be. I read a comment on another book along the same vein as mine is right now and I thought it was really harsh... it's so difficult to put the emotion behind the words when you're writing them in black and white. So... try to hear the soft, humble voice behind these words--heaven knows I have my own problems to fix!)

I have more suggestions for you... do with them whatever you feel is appropriate. :)
Chapter 4
-Right off the bat I wondered if it would make sense to combine chapters 3 and 4 and maybe go back and forth a little bit (some people get annoyed by this though) using asteriscs or something to show when you're switching places... just a thought.
-"Kate's friends envied her especially Trish her best friend who was both happy and sad at her leaving." Should be : her. Especially Trish, her
-Kate's argument with her parents reminds me of Eileen's argument with her parents, minus the beating, so it's surprising that they are so close at the airport. Maybe use more subtle words in the argument... screamed I think was one of them that did it for me.
-You talk about Kate's tears, but I wonder, was she nervous? You mention this later, but it might be good to bring it up earlier as well.
-"a sixteen years old girl" should be" a sixteen-year-old girl (unless it's a different rule where you're writing...)
Chapter 5
-Why was Paul embarrassed to be seated next to the new girl?
Chapter 6
-Eileen's memories start off a bit slow... a comment that's been very useful to me is "show, don't tell"
-You've probably heard this suggestion before, but just in case you haven't... I've always found it helpful to read my work out loud, especially the sentences that seem a bit funny... then I can hear what's wrong with them
-it's customary not to use "you" in narration because the you becomes the reader, and the writer is basically telling the reader how to think... I hope I explained that clearly. There's usually a way to change it so you're not using you.
-Sometimes you use extra words that kind of say the same thing (I do it too). Ex: "She arrived at the cafe and sat down to wait while one of the other firlst went to tell Dennis she was waiting." You could easily end the sentence at Dennis.
-be careful about repeating words or phrases within a paragraph (I've had to go through my work looking only for this problem). Ex: in your last paragraph you use that night twice in 2 lines.

I hope these are helpful and not making me out to be a snob. Let me know if you have any questions.

Katie

Maza,

Well, I made it through the first 3 chapters. I've given up on getting the 2 3-year-olds upstairs to take a nap, so I'll have to stop there for now. I'm drawn to come back for more though. I'm intrigued.

I saw that you're hoping for some assistance and though I'm far from the best writer on here, I thought I could offer some suggestions since I do have a bit of training in the area. Feel free to do with them what you like.
Chapter 1
-I don't knwo why, and maybe it's just me, but for some reason I felt like Eileen was in the city when she was running from her mother. I don't know if it works with the horror genre, but maybe describe what she's seeing more as she's running, if this is something you feel needs fixing.
-I was also a bit confused about the way you talked about the senses right at the start... something about not hearing and then coming back...
-you wrote: her father "understood the reason for his urgent call" I wondered what call that was... did the mother call him or something?
-I've recently discovered that point of view is a sticky subject, so go with what you think is best. It might bee helpful to use some sort of signal like (*****) or something when switching to Bridget (and for that matter, other characters later on).
-For a second, when you switched to Bridget, I thought she was Eileen's daughter... something about the way it was worded.
Chapter 2
-"why did she taken him?" should be either why had she taken him or why did she take him
-I noticed some punctuation issues. They're not terribly difficult to fix, so it's not a huge problem, but sometimes an extra comma,or one that's missing can change the meaning or confuse the reader.
-when using dialog, you want to put the description of the reaction with the dialog that goes with it. (This may have been an issue with the way authonomy formatted your file, so it may not need to be fixed.) I was a little confused by some of the things Eileen was saying (I think mostly to her cat).
-YOu wrote "How did her get her number? Who told him about me?" I would either use the third person (her/she) or the first person (I/me) for both.
-I couldn't tell if there was a method or not, but you might want to take a look (if you haven't already) and decide when you want to capitalize god and when you don't.
Chapter 3 (I was a bit distracted by the noise from upstairs... sorry)
-"as they made it was impossible for her" ... okay, I wrote this down, I think because there were too many words--it sounded like you were combining two ways of saying the same thing, but I couldn't find it again and since I didn't write the whole sentence I"m not exactly sure what I thought was wrong with it.

Like I said, I'm intrigued and I'll hopefully be back for more. Take or leave these comments. But, now I've got 2 3-year-olds playing loudly and 2 1-year-olds crying to be let up so.... I must go. (No, they're not all mine!)

Katie

Hi Maza
I saw that Tiggertoo had backed you so took a look. As a fellow thriller writer, I normally groan at the lack of "thrill" authors achieve. You on the other hand have that "something". I wondered whether Neal is right and you have first hand experience. I have of mine and it certainly helps tell the story realistically. You manage to get appropraite tesion and hooks in your writing and I'm a bit frustrated that there are only two minor things I can comment on:
1. There's a missing comma in chapter 3: he lied(,) "I've only..."
2. Expecting the dreaded bell. writing is tighter when adjectives are excluded. Drop the "dreaded" or maybe "dreading the bell". The word bell appears 3 times in this sentence so that's probably why I focussed on it. Some more variety please! The last one could simply be "It rang again." The more I look at this sentence the more I think it should be shorter to add impact. Oh I've realised there's a 3rd...
3. Was she at the door? How did she get there to open the door?
How about: "She was shaking as she was drawn to the door. Her hand felt too weak to hold the knob, to open the door. But slowly, painfully slowly she drew the door towards her. Her eyes focussed on the carpet. She couldn't look. But then she had no choice."
Hope this helps
I'm looking forward to your views on mine.
Best wishes and good luck - Backed.
ChrisX
I DARE YOU

I read the comments of others to low down. I had to stop reading. I have been a victim of violence and I found it too upsetting. You'll have to give me a way in somehwhere else.

You have either 'been there' or have a violent imagination.

When i feel like a sob, i may go back to it.

On the up side, it is incredibly powerful. And will have an audience.

Sorry I sound so limp.

You have much talent, IMHO, and deserve to be heard. A voice for non-violence?

Marian
You are clearly a perfectionist. Your writing is professional and engaging. I was wary when I saw it in the chick lit category, but this is written as a tight thriller - you have all the hooks to keep the reader guessing (and going).

I took some notes. Normally I writ nit-picks. This is what I noted:
* Good start (sooo important)
* Great second paragraph - I'm hooked!
* May be a POV issue with the father "who by now understands"
* "Twilight was beginning to steal the remaining visibility" - love it!
* O'(space)Connor - I'd remove the space and I noted in chapter 2 it was inconsistent.
* Good end to chapter 1
* what are "guard-policeman" and "spuds-potatoes" doing at the bottom of the page? an upload issue?
* "Does he know? What does he know?" Great intrigue.

I have to go to work now, but this is very very good, Liz. Well done.
Mine is a thriller set in 1950's Singapore. It's a romantic time, though you won't get much of a sense of this from the action at the start. My original opening chapter/prologue was a flashback from when the MC was beaten by his father as a child. I removed this on advice from an agent. Mine was weak compared to the tension and fear you conjure. I hate you. I love you!

Obviously Shelved.


Murray
The Jin Deception

Maza, this is enthralling stuff and your opening chapter is a great dramatic hook. The pace and immediacy of your writing is great and a good way to reflect the tension that's building. I think you may need to take a closer look at your punctuation, especially where we are party to Eileen's thoughts, but that's a minor point and easily addressed. I'm certainly going to read on to see how the plot develops and in the meantime, am going to put you on my shelf.
Good luck, this is good!
Faith

Hello Maza,

Um, hope this isn't too long. * grin *

Forgive me, and ignore this if you want, but I took a couple of paragraphs from chapter 3 and redid them, to show you what I meant about the use of she and I and you. I also ditched a few bits and changed some of the sentence structure. See what you think.

Eileen Hayes couldn’t sleep. She was not a great sleeper at the best of times, but this last month her insomnia had been even worse. It was four weeks exactly since the phone call, and now was the day of the girl’s arrival. Knowing she could not possibly find any peace of mind in bed, Eileen got up. She’d have a bath, she thought. It might help her relax. Even knowing that it was wishful thinking, she wasn’t deterred. She ran the bath until it was practically overflowing then added too much bubble bath, unable to concentre. Damn! It would take hours to get rid of the bubbles, as if she didn’t enough to do already! She moaned in distress.
The bath did not relax her, not that she had really expected it to. Relaxation, she thought, was not for the likes of her.
She didn’t bother with breakfast. Just a cup of tea would do, she thought. The girl would be there in a few hours, and there was a lot to do first. Eileen’s obsessive compulsive cleaning disorder gathered momentum with every moment, dominating her totally, with the result that she was worn out and exhausted.


Minor typos in Ch 6: loose should be lose and starring should be staring, couldn’t’t should be couldn’t, you’re Mother should be your mother,

Ch 7: “I can’t believe you live so close to where my Mum’s from, wait until I tell her she’ll be made up.” This doesn’t make sense to me – ‘be made up’ is slang?

Ch 9: There were two weeks of term left ... (not was)

This has the potential to be a really good story about people; it just needs polishing like work on the sentence structure and so on. Like in ch 19: “My town is huge, Kate. I don’t know …” See, put a full stop and make it two sentences rather than one.
Friday saw Eileen …. Not seen Eileen.

It seems to me that Eileen becomes rapidly very fond of Kate, after dreading her arrival. Maybe because she resembles Nicole (and I hope we are going to find out what happened to her). I’m also not clear why Kate’s family insisted on her going to Eileen’s place to stay, when there’s been no contact between them for so long.
May I suggest you go and have a look at Jake’s Dilemma, dealing with a young man’s acceptance of his homosexuality. But soon, as it’s going off at the beginning of February. I think you could do a lot more with this story, filling in more background and details.
Keep at it, please, and if I am annoying you with my nit picking and advice, tell me to bugger off. We Aussies understand that term. * grin * Now I’m going to go and read the rest without comments etc.
All the best,

Regards,

Hi Maza,
A few thoughts (kind of random I'm afraid, but just as thry occur to me) that I hope will be helpful - in some ways difficult for me to react to this (growing up in N.I. at the height of the troubles).
The first ch is such an unremitting horrifying account of the brutality Eileen faces,I found it hard to focus on Eileen as a character rather than as a victim. I wonder if there was a way you could include something that was just about Eileen as Eileen so that I got to know her a little?
I did wonder about the policeman doing nothing about the beating that Eileen took - it is presented as so serious. Nor am I convinced by his assertion that looking after E. after the event is enough to give him a clear conscience. And by the way I've always heard the police in the south referred to as 'Garda', not 'Guard'. Final comment at this point - phrase 'blessed himself' isn't one I'm familiar with either - 'crossed himself' yes, so that jarred a wee bit with me. -Though you may well be right.
Eileen as a landlady - I can see the OCD aspect - and its fitting, but I don't think you need to keep naming it - showing us her scrubbing / polishing etc is sufficient - in fact I don't think you need to mention 'obsessive cleaning' at all. Let us (the readers) do some work in thinking things out for ourselves.
One other thing that jumped out at me - you continue to refer to Eileen by her full name - not neccessary and reads awkwardly.
I do still have difficulty really engaging with Eileen, though it may be just me, but for me to want to read all of this book I need to care what happens / has happened to her.
I don't know if any of this is either clear or helpful - I hope it is.
Good luck with it,

Margaret (Munro's Choice)

PS having trouble with buttons here - you might get this message lots of times - Sorry!

Hi Maza, how are you?

I've been meaning to come back for ages. You've obviously done a lot of polishing and it reads more smoothly than when we were both newbies. I wasn't sure if I shelved you last time and see now that I didn't. I'm behind on my reading so will just give you a quick twirl on my shelf. x

Hello Marian,
I read the first five chapters, but I just couldn’t identify much with any of the characters. This is of course just my reaction and my opinion, so ignore it if you like. Overall I enjoyed what I read.
Minor typo in chapter two: expectantedly – should be expectantly
And in the first chapter I don’t think you need the apostrophe in the Donnellys when you just mean the Donnelly family. It’s like the Smiths, Browns etc. Same in chapter two; it’s the Maguires.
These are minor nitpicks, I agree, but I also like typos pointed out in my own work; it’s often easier for other people to spot them as we tend to see what we think we wrote.
When you start speech within quote marks, always use a capital, unless you’re continuing a sentence that has been broken up. (Does that make sense? e.g. “Her sister Bridget lives … “ but “I think,” he said slowly, “that her sister Bridget lives .. “)
There’s some formatting problems, but they seem to be widespread and more likely an error in the site uploading, not you, me and everyone else.
You also use the first and third person interchangeably a lot – first you use ‘I’ and then you use ‘you’, both when you’re referring to Eileen and her thoughts. It would probably read more smoothly if it was always ‘she’ and ‘her’ instead.
Another suggestion: You might want to break up some of the sentences instead of using commas. Just suggestions. This looks like it’s shaping up into a good story, so work on the actual writing and it should come good in the end. And it is YOUR story, decide how you want to tell it, okay.
Regards and good luck,

Thanks for your comments, I appreciate them. I'm keeping your book on my shelf as it has really fired my imagination and I'm looking forward to reading it all when it's published!!!!!

I was drawn to this book because it sounded unique, and I was right. With all the different plot elements drawn in, you've created a very intricite piece of work. I enjoy the characters thoroughly, they are believable in each their own. I've only read the first few chapters, but I know I want to read the rest. There is something nice, and fast-paced about your narrative which makes it thoroughly enjoyable.

Aloha, great book, recommend it to anyone.

Wow, the first chapter is really powerful, emotions really running high and 1940 then we find Eileen 40 years later and never really free of the past, the dread of it always there. Her arrival in London was an insight into how difficult it would have been but I found it odd that there was little to no mention of the war but maybe that is to come. Certainly there were mass migration from Ireland in the 1940’s and 50’s because of the dismal state of the Irish economy. It was something embedded in the psychology of young Irish people; there had been ongoing problems in their life time and going back even further. Immigration was always seen as a solution to one problem or another and a favoured option even for those with a deep attachment to Ireland. In the 1940’s they could fill the gap of workers serving in the armed forces etc. So girls in Eileen’s situation would have seen it as an option, I can definitely see that. (Did you know that a lot of the labour was provided by Irish immigrants for the flats which were built in Kilburn post Second World War?)

I hope that there will be a strong enough storyline with Paul’s link to the IRA. Does he get out of it or dangerously in deeper as a result to agreeing to be a member? A little more out, does he ever find the will to be himself?

Have you done enough research on the times, media and peoples sentiment through the periods that this is set? This certainly has great potential, full of suspense with family shame and secrets. A lot of work is needed but the prologue especially gives the impression of a great story.

I've only read the first chapter, but I like what's on the site so far. I'll read more later and put this on my watchlist!

I’ve read all you have posted here and my first question is around that – are there some chapters missing. It’s just that Authonomy C2 is headed Chapter 1. Then is goes back to normal then at Authonomy C7 you have a heading Chapter 8. No matter really – the book is great, very readable. You capture the Irish ‘voice’ really well and Eileen is a fabulous character, as are they all. I loved the flashback pieces with her and Dennis and having the baby.

There were a couple of parts in the later chapters were I think words are missed out. I’ve listed them under the Authonomy Chapters.

C7: The Christmas holidays flew by... had a few nights out but they (were?) dull.
C8: After getting their results – They screamed and dashed down the (corridor?)
C10: It’s the para that starts ‘When Dennis arrived, home and the taxi driver – I’m not sure if it’s just the punctuation that needs looking at but the sentence doesn’t read right to me.

Having done my nit picking I also wanted to say that I’m putting this on my shelf for a bit. Any book that I can read ten chapters of without a break deserves that.

Love the rawness of your style. Have to put it on my list and come back to you in a short while!

All the best!

Very interesting and easy read. I love the Irish and their mores. Not so graphic that I couldn't read it.

I think you might rework your title: Thin Blood, Blood Thinner Than Water, Thinner than Water. Then again, maybe not. My novel is American Clique, but my daughter prefers Clique Sycamore.

Just read the first chapter and it's great, real tension going on there. It's more than good enough to add it to my watchlist so I can read more.

I like the pitch, will gie it a goo.
Have a look at mine - its on a totally different, and lighter level.
George Flaunden

I'm new to this site and saw your unpopular thread. I've had a quick look at your book and it could do with a bit of a tidy up if you don't mind me saying so. However I liked the Irish angle and I'll back it for a while. Can you look at mine when I get it up and going, which should be later hopefully weather permitting.

Maza,
Powerful themes, vividly imagined characters. Suggest editing more carefully, though. Two spelling errors in the bath sentence (to should be too; starring should be staring) alone. My guess is, with that many errors, the editors won't give you much of a shake, when and if you get the book to them. Otherwise, looks promising. I'll try to get back to it soonest.
Chuck

Life Ends and Begins Ireland 1940
Read this intro and it failed to stimulate any desire to know more, I would suggest a lot more information to 'hook' the reader at this early (and vital) stage in order to keep their attention. The rest of it may be brilliant however I wasnt enticed to read on and find out.
Regards
Al

The future to healing humanity is to group and help each other, I wish you the very best with your book,

Mia.

Hi Maza. You've been on my watchlist for a while but now I'm catching up and have read the first few chapters of your story. I liked your pitch, although it did make me wonder if the book was going to be depressing. Your first chapter seemed to confirm that thought although as I read on, I realised there was much more to it. Had I picked the book up in a shop, read the pitch and then the opening page, I don't think I would have bought it, despite liking your writing style. Maybe you ought to consider 'lightening' the pitch a bit, concentrate more on the positive aspects of the story. But this is just my personal opinion, of course. In common with others, I thought the tense sometimes needed attention. Also you have far too many commas and they're often in the wrong places. Ditto semi-colons, some of which change or confuse the meaning of their sentence. In Eileen, you have some typos...'adding to much bubble bath' should be 'adding TOO much...' 'starring into space' should be 'STARING...' and you write 'like a woman possessed' twice in 3 paragraphs. When writing about Kate in ch 2, you might think about having a separate line for when she thinks her thoughts, as I found it confusing that they were in the middle of the narrative. Again, these are purely my personal opinions.
On the whole I enjoyed what I read and would probably read more given time. I found the beginning a little slow after the emotion of Eileen's beating, but the story obviously has bags of potential interest. Best of luck with it!

Hi Mazza. Just discovered ur book when I saw the wickedly funny thread about dying threads! Read ur blurbs and thought, "this sounds good.." So far, I do think I'm going to like it as I get into it, but it's just a little slow starting out with mudane stuff, and quite a lot of cliche. Keep going with this, it's got potential!

Hi Maza.
I read your thread and thought I'd check out your book. It's different, the first chapter is sure quite exciting. And it's popular, more so than mine. So keep it up, and I'm sorry I can't give constructive critism, but you know, I think sometimes you're better off without it.
Olympia. Keep up the good work.

I have seen your thread and I think it would really help you to read your writing aloud, then you will see what works and what doesn't. Another good test is to wait a few days and reread - things will become clearer.
I think you write with feeling, but sometimes the tenses are not consistent, also the point of view is confusing at times. If you are with the beaten sister, you get what she is thinking and what the people in the room are thinking. When you switched the action on the other sister it felt like a bit of a jump as I was still thinking of the beaten sister and trying to understand what was going on. Maybe a space would help, so we know the action has moved outside. Or you could rewrite from the point of view of the beaten sister, hearing her sister calling her, not being able to reply and say she was still alive, it would change a few things but you'd stay with the same point of view. This is just an opinion, only you can decide what is best for your novel.
Only change what you feel comfortable with and if a lot of people remark on something, do consider it, but in the end this is your work and you know what goes on and how it ends.
Your score is not bad, so people do like it.

Hi Marian,

How are you? Thought I’d pop back and have a look at your second chapter. I really like the idea, and I think you’ve got an excellent attitude to writing in that you’re keen to receive people’s feedback. I hope, then, that my comments don’t come across as harsh, but that you take them as they are intended: with the view to make your work stronger. And anyway, anything you don’t agree with you can just ignore! I think too many people think that if you’re pointing out problems in other’s work that you believe your own to be perfect. But, for me at least, that’s not the case. It’s more than likely that I’m commenting on areas that have been pointed out to me before and my work has been improved by taking those comments on board.

So, the first thing that I would mention is that your opening to this chapter is very similar to the opening of your first. I think it’s good to avoid repetition in any form, and, though I like the style, I think using it just once would make it stronger. Can you see what I mean? At the moment, both openings read, ‘The father thought/dialogue/the mother thought/dialogue.’ By using just one of these openings, I think it would make more impact.

You don’t need a comma after ‘and’ in ‘you’re just like my mother.’

‘Mother,’ in ‘you’re just like your…’ doesn’t need to be capitalised.

Repetition of ‘London’ in para ‘this determination.’ Maybe think of another way to refer to the city in the second instance.

Really liked the ‘She tried the usual arguments/she tried the unusual arguments’, but was confused by ‘she might be too old for lodgers’. It took me a moment to think who ‘she’ was. Maybe use Eileen’s name here. Also, maybe set the dialogue so that it runs as from one speaker. At the moment, it seems like three people are talking. Maybe, ‘She could be. She could be. She could be.’ See what I mean? It just threw me for a moment and stopped my reading.

Should ‘nor had she one leg’ be ‘has’?

Semi-colon in ‘She is not a murderer…’ isn’t needed.

Maybe mention again who Mick is when Kate asks her Da about Eileen. Like, ‘Mick, his brother,’ or something. Is he his brother? I forget! So perhaps throw that in here, just for ease of reading.

‘She also wanted to say,’ should be ‘she also wanted to ask’ as it’s a question.

I liked the sound of Trish!

You mention tears twice in quick succession. Once Kate can't see through them, the next is a mist. Maybe use one or the other. I’d be inclined to use the second as, though it sounds nice, you can actually see pretty well when you’re crying. I think, anyway. Actually, maybe neither really works as tears don’t cause a mist.

She can’t know that the huge man is ‘engrossed’ in the book, but only see that he’s reading it.

I didn’t buy that she was thinking about her make-up in turbulence. It seemed unlikely. Also, has she flown at all before? Perhaps she would be even more nervous.

‘The doors opened…’ was a bit confusing. Do you mean that the doors opened to ‘reveal an event…’ I didn’t get this bit.

Would it really take her two and a half hours to get out of the airport? She finds her luggage immediately, so what’s the delay? It’s so long that I feel we needed to know what she was doing.

Missing speech marks at ‘No, I was here for a couple of days…’

Anyway, that’s my lot for the moment. I like Kate, and you’ve set her up for a great adventure.

Good luck with this, Marian.

Liam

Back again, don't feel bad, do what you can, when you can. I'm pleased you're still around.

Hi Maza, I love your profile. This is to say sorry for not coming back for another read of Water is Thicker than Blood, after you've been busy updating it. Are you still in the Literary Fiction group? If so, I will save the re-read until it's your turn because my watchlist is groaning under the pressure. x

Thanks. :-)
When this crazy month is over, nudge me to come back to your book. Will have more time then to see how you getting along!
Hannah

Hi Marian,

I came to your work after agreeing with a few of your points in the ‘mean’ thread.

What a strong opener you have here. It’s very gripping, the writing is immediate and there is a great hook to prompt the reader to read on. However, I think you need to be more precise with whose POV we are in. Who is the protagonist in this particular story? I think Eileen, so don’t think that we need to be in Bridget’s mind at all. Do you see what I mean? Really, couldn’t Eileen think, ‘Mick McQuire will get what’s coming to him…’

I think the first two paragraphs in chapter one move too quickly. One minute, Eileen has made one decision, the next, another. Perhaps think about slowing down a little here, and giving the reader a little more information. I felt a little rushed. Also, since we’re in her POV, you probably don’t need to use her name twice in the first paragraph.

This is probably a complete nit-pick, but would she say ‘please’ on the phone if she was shocked? Again, another nit: you use ‘surrender’ and ‘surrendering’ close together and the repetition jars a little. One of the things someone told me about writing, which I really think is useful, is to avoid repetition, hesitation, and deviation. It’s always worth going over a draft with these in mind.

You don’t need a comma between ‘heart refused’ but that’s probably just a rogue typo! The buggers!

In the para beginning ‘Are you still there?’ I think you could trim quite a bit. ‘She knew he was growing impatient,’ for example. I think we, as readers, know that he is impatient from the breathing and the fact that he asked if she was still there. Do you see what I mean? Also, I think you either need, ‘her voice was strange’ or ‘she didn’t recognise it’ rather than both.

‘She rang he sister Bridget’ – we know Bridget is her sister from the opener, so you don’t need to tell us again.

I didn’t really understand the paragraph ‘After the call…’ Why was Bridget annoyed? I think we need more info here.

Also, another POV switch with ‘Bridget was getting more annoyed’. Eileen can’t know that her sister is getting annoyed, but can hear that her tone has changed. Can you see what I mean? She can assume that her sister is annoyed from her tone, but she can’t know it.

There are an awful lot of ‘Eileen’s from the para ‘Do you think Paddy…’ down. I think you could lose 90% of these. We know who the two speakers are.

It’s a personal preference, but I don’t think putting thoughts in italics works very well. It’s rather distracting. Perhaps that’s just me who thinks so, but I don’t think it’s used that often in books. Or maybe it is and I haven’t realised. I don’t know!

I would be tempted to end this chapter at ‘Can God forgive me?’ because the interaction with the girl is a whole other part to the story which deserves more attention than it seems to get here. Also, the reader has taken a lot on board already and, if they’re like me, might need a little break.

Looking back at the blurb about the story, you mention that Eileen is an elderly lady. This, for me, didn’t come across, and I think you need to drop in some markers to show her age.

Anyway, I think you’ve got an excellent chapter here. It needs a bit of tidying up, as I think you’ve pointed out yourself, but I think the story is good. I’m intrigued to see how the characters will come together, and how they will all relate to one another. I don’t have time to read more now, but will come back. By the way, you may do well to read a book called, ‘The Hero’s Journey’ or look it up online. It’s a well used narrative structure that would be a good way for you to tie all your characters together through.

I hope you find my comments useful, and good luck with this.

Liam

Maza,
I am from Omagh in northern Ireland, educated in Enniskillen although that was a long time ago! family still there so visit regularly. Will keep going with your book over the next few days. I work as an airline pilot so have considerable periods away etc.
William

Maza,
Many thanks for your comments which are encouraging! I have read the opening chapter of your book. It is original and hits you straight away but took me a little time to adjust to which, of course, is not a bad thing as it certainly engages. I like it (I come from the north of ireland so can identify with much) I will certainly continue reading, as i said it is original and clever.
William

Hi Marion,

thanks for your kind comments on Daddy's Litle Spy - Isabella. I've just had a chance to look at your book with is breathtakingly good. As this genre is a very popular one I hope this is not a true story but it reads convincingly. I have put you on my bookshelf and when I have more time will read the rest of the chapters with great interest.
chickdaniel

Hi Maza,
Having read the first three chapters, my thoughts; Not being from either Britain or Eire, your story would normally hold little interest for me. However, I must admit I found your writing interesting if not compelling. Having said that, I did find the first chapter a little chaotic. Nothing serious. Just had to backtrack back and forth a little. It may be the reader as much as the writer.

Other very small, petty things I noticed is you don't use commas before those buts which join two stand alone thoughts as is common in the industry. At least here in the states. The other thing I noticed was one of your inner thoughts reverted to past tense, saying needed instead of need.

Because I haven't bookshelved you at this time doesn't mean I won't. I am interested in reading more and plan to revisit. So I may yet back you, but I have several other books to look at for now.

Thanks for sharing you story and your talent with me.

Maza, thank you for your interest in my book. I have been on the site for some time and have sunk without trace! I will read your book (will try and get through as much as possible) and get back to you. It's very difficult on this site because of the sheer numbers now posted. Unfortunately I haven't had the time to be active on the site which appears to be the only way to generate any interest. Comments are generally helpful but not always, my style clearly is not slick enough for many! Anyway would appreciate any thoughts you may have and I will return the compliment asap.
Cheers William