WE WERE SISTERS THEN

Hi Alva!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

Dear Alva, you're not active here, but your vote still counts. Please check my message to you. Thanks, Pia

I found the prologue at times interesting but mostly heavy going - I like the idea of Jenny talking to Stacey, but I could't help wishing for the story to start, and then when it does, you seem to lose that slightly unhinged voice in the prologue. So for me the structure and voice of a bit of a problem at present. Why not have the Jenny and Stacey stuff broken up and woven throughout, and keep Jenny's narrative voice in the actual unfolding events. Jake

There’s a real mish-mash of writing styles in the prologue, Alva – third-person, first-person, paragraph after paragraph of dense family history… It’s a big ask for a reader and a possible barrier to making it to the first chapter. I like the device, of Jenny working out her grief by writing a memoir and interspersing it with direct comments to her dead sister, but you use it inconsistently, as if you’re not sure whether it works – it does. I think this would be easier to read if you re-uploaded it as different chapters rather than one block, but you’ve picked an evocative time and I think many people with memories of the moon landings will be intrigued enough by the tale to plough through, whatever the format.

Alva, have read everything you posted. Enjoyed the setting and the historical anchor of the moon landings. The dialogue, especially that of the kids opens different layers in the story, race, social class, peer pressure and possibly unemployment. Gloria's observation that Mary served everbody peanut butter sandwiches because the family has money problems is such breathtakingly casual social discrimination it made me dislike her even more.

A couple of nitpicks there were several times when you changed tense and things could start happening sooner - for instance when Gloria starts interfering you get conflict and conflict drives a story forward. If you started the story with that you could still get all the 'in head' stuff you've used and the characters would still develop but at a faster pace. What I would suggest is to join a writing group - local colleges usually run groups or you could go on Craig's list and find (or start) a group in your area. If you are already in a writing group get the whole group to aggressively critique your manuscript. I was in a group for several years and it upped my game, not only did I have to produce a certain amount of pages on time each month but my fellow writers could see plot points I'd missed or give me ideas and angles I wouldn't have thought of myself, they can also interpret your work in ways you can't because you're too close to it.
Paula L

A thought provoling premise, and the writing doesn't disappoint. I was drawn into chapter one, wanting to know what happens. Why does the child disappear? This really tweaks my curiousity. And it's beautifully written too.

I very much liked the beginning of your book. The letters to Stacey interspersed with the son finding them works so well. His suggestion that she should see a therapist highlights, even more, the lack of understanding between the generations that she also refers to in the letters.

Tracy Buchanan
The Candyfloss Room

I remember that summer very well. Both the moonwalk and Woodstock happened. Also, the moratorium in the late spring. "Cowboys represented establishment." Yeah, think John Wayne and "True Grit" of the same year, but the girls just want to play. I'm enjoying this so far. I'll come back and read more when I can. Backed for now.

The plot line works. I enjoyed reading what you uploaded and that's about all I can say. Thank you for writing We Were Sisiters Then.

Good pitch and good first chapter. the character development is strong and colorful, glad I backed.

Backed with pleasure
Sana x
I hope you can find the time to check out Saffire Drake & The Three Keys

This is a story that opens with a poem and is poetry to read.

Jenny's letter to Stacey is so poignant, the drifting between past and present melodic and fluid. Edward's concern breaks the pattern with sharp staccato notes but then it melds back again into a stream of melancholic reminiscences.

The children of the different families set the story with Jenny, Stacey and Donald standing out. Donald's story was so sad with him being sent away because of alcoholic parents, then there was his hole in the road to which Stacy crept and stayed all ight.

This is an enchanting story. The narration is in first person and immediately invites the intimacy of the reader. The language is exemplary and the plot flows gently on. The descriptions of the scenes are enough to ground the characters and strengthen the story without slipping into exposition.

I have backed this with pleasure and wish you every success.

Katy.xxx
Phobic Dawn.

Hi Alva,

this is very nice and has so many levels and layers.

I have backed it because I was hooked by the pitch, loved the introduction and read on. How much more I read depends on time and commitment.

Enjoy everything and good luck.

Rusty Bernard
The Mental Pause

A deeply touching work, much of which I suspect comes from personal experience. You write beautifully and captured my heart right from the beginning. Happy to back . Eunice - The Poetic Voice of Soul.

Brilliant. A rich and absorbing story. Relatable characters with real emotions. Magnetic writing. A captivating read. Backed.

ALVA HOLLAND: WE WERE SISTERS THEN

Dear Alva,
Such an evocative read! - your chapters tell me how deep you think; the only suggestion is to rewrite the pitch and description to illustrate better the content of your book.

Best of luck with your inspiring piece Alva!

Romilla
Forgetting Sally

great first chapter. Great style to fit the setting and chartchers. I invite you to read and comment on The Rebel

God Bless,
Chipper

The pitch intrigued me, i like the simple small family details against world changing events yet it is their own personal worlds that matters and the events that shape them. written with emotion and passion, you can't help but sink into this world and the mark of a good story like this is if the reader cares about the characters and here they do.

Alva. Fascinating story. Some personal biog in it? Makes it more personal and flows well. Will read more tomorrow. Thanks for allowing me to while away a happy hour.
Jerry [paperbats] If you have any children, maybe they would enjoy to read my paperbat adventures.

Dear Alva Holland,

We Were Sisters Then: a very poignant story human story, as suggested by the simple but perfect title.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Enjoyed. Liked the characters and the story. Backed.

I read and backed this last night, but I was unsure what to say by way of comment. I'm still unsure, there is such a complexity of emotion and so many layers of feelings and stories and people, I don't know where to begin.
I think I will give it up and just say this is a beautifully written book.

Well, the workshop at Harper Collins must have done some good because you can really write! The only criticism I can make is the sentence, "I waited for them to." because (I know this is nit-picky) it ends with a preposition. I try to avoid that at all costs because it bothers me so much, but I understand it's not always possible. Other than that, this is very interesting, and I like the historical angle. Keep up the good work.

The patchwork of styles and tones (and the heavy use of italics) might put some people off but I love it and is effective in conveying the emotional texture of the narrative and its characters. I think this is a very good piece of work and it should do well. I've also got a soft spot for anything set in 1969...

Best,

Ivan

Alva,
I know that agents frown on dialogue to open the story, but it works well here as does your poetry. I like the way you poetically phrase things, such as the difference between life and death being just breaths away, which is very true. The first person thoughts of mother tell a lot without making it look like ‘telling’ which is good, and the dialogue is spot on. I can see how some people might perhaps be annoyed with the introspection, but it worked perfect for me.
A small nit – once you start with explanations, you go passive voice often. A few ‘I think/love/hate etc’ in there would give the voice a body. Getting into chapter one, it opened well but with continued passive voice, and the ‘telling instead of showing’ cropped up more often.
In all, I thought this story worked but needed more significant a plot and more emotion perhaps. In my youth, there were significant events that struck me hard – the death of my grandfather, for example... and you could perhaps expand on a moment in the child’s life and bring emotion through dialogue. The only significant thing I caught was the ‘hole’ but it wasn’t explored much in your story. Plot changes would be relatively easy here; changing the passive voice is a big thing and much work, but a necessity IMO.

In all though, I enjoyed the read.

I hope you don't mind this constructive criticism, and remember, it's only my opinion and is likely worth far less than 2 cents.

Paul
www.pauldaytonscifi.com
Eye of the Idol

Hi Alva

I've put together some detailed comments because you asked for them, but they are only suggestions. Your writing is extremely accomplished and I found this a compelling read. Yours is a subject that will touch anyone who’s ever had a sister. I know how bereft I would feel without mine and what you say on the subject is just right.

Prologue:
Omit “like poetry” in “like poetry in my head”
“and the cruelty in that”. Omit the “and”
There’s something of Anita Brookner in the way you right. Very subtle, delicate and felt.
I love the way that the writing is so clear while it does new things in an effort to make things that are not easy to describe understood.
“all around great kid” s/b “all round great kid”?
Spelling: “assimilate”, not “asimilate”
“news in stride” s/b “news in his stride”
Omit the para beginning “The two mothers will learn tolerance”
Omit the para beginning “during the first few weeks after summer ends”
To me these 2 paras are you trying to give frame to the story so that the readers aren’t utterly confused – but at this stage, I don’t think you need to. You can let the story unfold naturally on its own.

Chapter 1:
Comma after “freely growing”
“wondering was left to the wonderful” – nice
I’d start the sentence from “The idea of being like Pocahontas”
“the very [first] decline they’d ever experience”?
Typo: “came to consider it” not “came to considered it”
“whom it was right to go to”, not “who it was right to go to”
“Matt was her best friend, Donald her highest hope” – nice

Got to stop now. Will come back and read more. Backed, of course.

Nicole
Chosen

Alva,
We Were Sisters Hit rather close to home so it pulled at my heart, I love the letter's to a dead sister approach it allows the reader a closer than normal interpretation of the inner being of your main character. The story deals with a lot of family dynamics and it is done in just the right way. You've done a great job creating your characters.
I like your style of writing. I do not critique on sentence structure spelling errors or punctuation. Mine has a lot to be desired...writing poetry .I have several poems in my collection that deal with the death of my sister.
Njoyed
njoy *moods and expressions*

A book with depth and so much mystery, the reader becomes hooked and has empathy for Jenny who is suffering from an inner turmoil of emotions for her lost sister Stacey. The book hits a psychological depth with Jen's thoughts.The suspense builds as to how Stacey dies and in which circumstances, little clues are left involving John. This is a clever plot with a great deal of concepts and emotions involved. Relationships are tested and tried and it is written with so much depth. An interesting read with a great deal of mysitique.

Backed,

Lisa

I read because I want to get inside people's heads. If all I want to do is see them act I watch a movies. Reading is by far the better deal and will always win for me. Why do I write this?

You write so well the inside head stuff. There is a compelling voice and I felt an immediate empathic bond to the narrator because I was sharing her thoughts. The problem I had right from the outset was following what was going on. It felt like I needed to have already read the book be able to start at the beginning and enjoy it. I am not clever enough to advise you on how to beat this trap but I genuinely believe if you can get help to do that the sheer quality of your writing and its beautiful style will carry you to great heights.

Good luck
Baz

Great book. It could even become a movie. Backed with pleasure:)

A very interesting read, and tells a good story :) Backed with pleasure :)

I found myself wondering where we are geographically, only because the sister-narrator is very isolated, taken with her roles as mom and wife, and we don't get a sense of her branching out or moving beyond the scope of that house and yard at all. Her recollections move backward and forward, but never outside of the life she "settled" for. This is a good thing, almost as if the world outside her perfect facade doesn't exist. I'm still curious, though, what Southern town we have landed in.
Memphisgirl
Ashes By Now

Very nice voice. I like your writing style.

Anne
Closeted Courage

Alva, i like your narrator's voice - intimate, compelling.
on my shelf.
as you requested "real" critique, here's my unedited thoughts:

love this sentence: "The distance between us is breathe, Stacey, and your grave ..." - direct and very poetic.

a possible micro edit:
maybe make the 2nd sentence more direct? maybe something like: "My son waved the papers from my desk in front of me."

on a macro note, i like the storyline. here's a few macro thoughts.

i know we're on different paths re style and 'action.' however, at times, i feel your prose circling back so that passages/sentences swallow their tail, as it were, and you lose forward momentum - caution, action guy speaking ;). your fictional world is fascinating and complex, but occasionally it seems overly complex.
e.g., "And the cruelty in that, the forgetting. i realize its not cruel, really, forgetting you. that cueltiy doesn't exist at all. i used to think it did." - good stuff, but i find it taking me too many places at once. just an idea: maybe tell about the cruelty of forgetting here, and the "used to think" elsewhere?

a thought about switching narrative streams as you tell the backstory of the kids. maybe keep it in each stream longer, so that you don't fragment the fore and back stories so often?

all in all, an enticing read. powerful emotional currents here.
best wishes, andy

Alva-

Because you asked I want to let you know what didn't work for me. I became a little lost in all the names you presented so early on. Very quickly I'd lost track of just who was who.

I got back on my feet and I think the story opened up nicely with the Chapter One- The Children section. Maybe if you made this the opening and saved all the introduction of names for later or parceled that info out a bit.

You've a fine talent and I did enjoy your voice. The detail on the children learning fractions and how that bit of math held a context for them in determining their Indian heritage was nicely done.

I hope my comment helps. All the best with this,

Eric

I read just the first part, but it sounds pretty interesting, and I will probably come back to read more. One thing I want to point out is that it would be a little easier to read when spread out over the course of a few days if it was separated a little more, but it's not that big of a deal, I suppose. I am backing it because I think it has the makings of a really good story.

J Long
RUST CREEK

Interesting depiction of 1960s America

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Interesting. I think this is the shortest chapter I've ever seen! haha Since it's too short to get any sort of plot idea, character development or tension, I'm going to assume either the post was a mistake or that you're still working on it. Keep it up. One step at a time.

Wow! This was a real mixed bag for me. I'm going to hazard a guess that it is a work in progress and back it based on that. Here are my reactions: I was drawn in by the title and short pitch. Very good! The long pitch had some alluring elements such as the bush tree and the disappearing group member, but the total effect seemed disjointed--like you weren't sure where you were going to take the book. I decided to read on and determine from the start of the first chapter whether or not to continue. Bulls eye! Jenny's monologue is perfect. We feel her soul. The story will be a poignant mix of nostalgia, wistfulness and a psychological examination of what it means to be whole and how we exist in symbiosis with people and events around us--what defines "me," and can "I" exist outside of current environs through connections to the past. Am I the same person I was at an earlier stage of life? Fascinating! Then the musing is interrupted by a terse narrative that sounds almost like you were blocking out the plot in rough draft form. I'm not sure why you made this shift, unless, as I've already speculated, this is a work in progress and you plan to rewrite drastically as comments come in. Anyway, my suggestion is to keep everything you've written in italics. It's brilliant. Rework the rest of the story by slowing the action down and giving us time to sense details. Jenny's musings might grow stale if you continue them for too long, but intersperse them throughout then try to bring the same emotion and attachment to the rest of the narrative sections as you evince in the internal monologue. Backed for extreme potential.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

This is fabulous writing - a compelling read for me that was tough to put down - should get a publisher soon I am quite sure. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

good story about loss and grief , your writing captures the somber mood of the story
Backed
Scorselo

Your openning chapter is as intriguing as it is appealing and I do like. Jenny writing letters to her long dead sister Stacey captures the reader's heart compelling the reader to read on. You have crafted a lovely storyline and your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

What an unusual but great structure!
I think you have a brilliant style and tone of writing; it fits perfectly into the storyline.
Congruent characters, good engaging dialogue. Read up to Jenny’s crush and the mosquitoes. This is developing into a very good read. –Good luck!

This is at once intriguing but puzzling. I don't really understand the point of such short chapters unless it's to keep the reader moving because that does, in fact, work. I kept reading on thinking that they're so short, I can keep going - but while that works on this site, I wonder if in print, the chapters might feel a little too insignificant. Just a thought. There is a very stark difference between the first chapter and the rest of the book - as if this chapter is the stage directions for a play - giving the character descriptions, etc. And that might work for a play - but I found myself getting a little bit lost trying to keep everybody straight.
I think you have a beautiful voice and wonderful ability to capture the essence of children's psyches. There seems to be things percolating beneath the surface in your writing - perhaps that's the intrigue - but I wonder if you need to throw us a few more carrots. (I can be pretty dense and I'm a reader!) In any case, this was refreshing and interesting and good and thank you. best,
Tricia

Hi, Alva
I like your idea of having a character write to a dead sister as a vehicle for portraying so much information. That first chapter was a bit difficult for me to follow, but I believe I understand why you chose to write it that way. It adds to the failing mind reliving the past.
I haven't read too much of your book yet but will be back.
Good luck!
Murl

Wonderful book. It's such a charged and colorful time of our country's past, any book set in that time period catches my eye. Your writing is great and you've got such a diverse and interesting cast of characters. They really add to the depth of your book. You understand family dynamics and do a nice job of portraying them. I really couldn't find anything I didn't like in your book. I'm almost done with it so if I find something I'll let you know, it's moving along nicely.

Missy

Dear Alva
The book cover is superb, just love it and yourlong pitch again must say is so well crafted but.....I have already commented and backed your book a while ago, but cannot see the backing anywhere. So i am taking the time to back it again because I believe your book is WORTH IT

BEST OF LUCK
Denise

This is well done. I especially liked chapter 1. I also liked the short chapters but I wonder if 38 chapters is a bit much for a work that is only a little more than 13,000 words in length. Just something to consider unless there is a bigger purpose to the condensed chapters that I can't see or figure out.

Check the spelling of Pocahontos in the last sentence of paragraph one of chapter 3. Also check the sentence in the same paragraph that ends with because their curiosity. A word or two seems to be missing to complete the thought.

Backed a few days ago, sorry for the late comment.

Good Luck
Natalie

Alva -

WE WERE SISTERS THEN - I never had a sister and am always fascinated by themes of sisterhood. The short chapters make the narrative read a little like sketches. Maybe you wanted to make it easy on the eye for us readers here. Your writing is accomplished, and your style gentle and thoughtful, which I like.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Well, I had to read all chapters. Couldn't stop. Some typos that you can change later. When John and Mary return to the yard, they find Mary .. should be Gloria. I think in chapter 36. Backed. Looking forward to the rest.
Patricia West Hays
The Witness Tree