Death & The City

Hi again Lisa,

Great news this is now published. My fingers are crossed that you'll sell many thousands of copies. ;)

I'm pretty sure I've read + backed this ages ago, but I'm back to peek again + comment in a transparent attempt to curry favour. ;)

I can’t really remember your book as it’s been so long since I last looked, but I’m heartened to read your list of favoured authors on your profile. With such a pedigree, I’m expecting you’ll have produced something pleasingly bonkers. ;)

I generally comment as I read since I find it the easiest way to keep track. So, without further ado, here I go. :)

Chapter 1:

Ohhhh now I remember this. There can’t be many books that start with a chick lit assassin in a Halloween costume. I’m baffled how I ever forgot this now. ;)

I like all the meandering asides of your main character. They contrast so well and so daftly with the topic in hand, killing. I’m honestly not sure if she’s a bit deranged or just v odd. Either way, it’s a fun start to read ;).

I like the description “Hollywood hitmen”. Sums it all up so well + speaks v loudly of her contemptuous attitude for those men. Is she right to be so confident, though? She’s either v good at what she does or she’s definitely more than a bit bonkers. Sounds like she doesn’t play by their old fashioned rules, though. Hmmm is that what makes her so effective? We’ll see. ;)

Her meandering thoughts on powerful women throughout the ages etc are quite telling. I think she may have a deep-buried inferiority complex and be out to prove something. When she sees her reflection, we get another hint she’s not exactly all there in the head. The complete lack of fear in her expression’s inhuman, especially considering what she’s up to!

I almost laughed aloud at the cheery image of her passing the postman in fancy dress, swinging her baseball bat. She’s just off for a merry day’s killing. Tra la la la la :).

I like the buildup while she’s waiting behind the hitman, musing away. The longer it goes on, the more my tension increases. I keep expecting him to turn around and spot her at any moment. When she finally gets around to the killing, it’s surprisingly easy and quick.1 blow. I think the instant’s all the more effective for its brevity. Hmm interesting revelation that stopping these guys is her job. It raises the question of who in hell she’s working for. It’s hardly a regular 9 to 5, is it? ;). I blinked when she shot him so casually. The action hammered home the fact she’s no amateur. Scary that death’s s easy for her. Brrr.

Surprise news comes that the postman’s the next target. Ironic they passed each other earlier in such a carefree manner. I wonder if he was having similar thoughts to her as he went by, musing about the killing to come. Darkly funny ;).

Intriguing mystery that the next target of the postman’s a student. I didn’t expect that. Why would anybody want a student dead? They tend to be so harmless.

Ah … seems like she got too close to the wrong person. That would do it. Those guys must be v jumpy about their privacy.

Wow great scene with the postman at the door. It was v chilling and effective the way she just reached out and made him shoot himself. I can really picture that scene + feel his confusion. Ah but he recognises her just at the end. Lara. This woman must have quite a reputation. No wonder, from what I’ve witnessed so far!

Strange mystery about the postman’s next target. Will we ever find out what the heavy duty thing is, I wonder? I like the following talking shop with head office. Filled with interesting details. My ears perked up when I hear she’s getting a wing man. I didn’t expect that. Lara seems like the sort to work alone.

Uh oh the upcoming partner’s somebody she knows + seems v unimpressed by. I’m sensing a lot of conflict’s coming. Wow if she thinks he’s weird, he really must be off his trolley!...

Well, what can I say? I sort of remembered the events in your book, but I’d forgotten just how bonkers and darkly funny they were ;).

Lisa makes 1 of the most unusual and interesting protagonists I’ve read on authonomy. If I knew her, I wouldn’t feel safe around her without bullet proof glass between us. She’s like a ticking time bomb. Not knowing what the hell she was going to do next kept me right on the edge of my seat for the entire time I read this.

The idea of a story based on a woman killing hitmen’s fascinating too. She’s the ultimate badass. Given the job she’s doing + her mental state, I don’t know if she’s the hero, the antihero, or some unholy mix of both. All I know is your story’s a lot of fun and I’d happily read all of it if I had enough time. :)

Despite the fact you’re now published and no longer need ratings, I’ve given you 6 stars. In my opinion, your book deserves it. Please let me know if this does well on kindle. I’d love to hear that great news. ;)

Best wishes,

Pete x

I like autobiographies, and this one didn’t disappoint. :)

My problem is I’m cursed with a serious defecit in the humour department. I have to get by on about 20% of the average human quotient. As a result, much of this went clean over my head. But I did get some, and it’s clear that the whole piece bobs along on a gentle countercultural undercurrent of pisstaking. I loved this:

‘It’s called Histrionic Personality Disorder… apparently half of Hollywood suffers from it.’
“Is that like getting too attached or too desperate too soon?”

The main point though is there’s so much else going on. For a start, there’s a ferociously off-planet imagination at work here. And the words ‘zany’ and ‘quirky’ are far too small to contain it. We’re drawn into a world where the soi-disant ‘troubled’ narrator is pretty much the only agreeable human being amongst a bunch of recognisably normal but thoroughly unattractive specimens, some of whom she is routinely obliged to kill. This gives the whole story a kind of Laingian flip, which once you get the hang of things is quite exhilarating.

I loved too the benignly omnipotent Head Office, with its satellite ability to change traffic lights, alter swipe cards and clear a back road of all its traffic. What a marvellous authorial device.

The writing zips along. After blanching initially at the length of the ch’s and the paras, I surprised myself by settling in comfortably. I can see why you have had defend yourself against criticisms of this, but for me it worked. I even cruised through some pretty complex psychological analyses (real and fake!) without any trouble.

All in all, a thrilling read. Can’t wait for the book.

Pete

Finding the defining personality trait in ones life, would be an artificially-enanced phychopath for a hit man. Recruited out of a mental health programe 'care in the community,' is the exact role now being played out, a hit man who takes out other hit men.
Great story because not only do we have to embrace the idea of legalised murder, fully endorsed by a society that wants to clean up the streets. But also the main protagonist is a highly capable women who in between killing, normality consists of shopping watching T.V reading housework, being a parent and sometimes socialising.
Inner thoughts and feelings are the mainstay of the writing punctuated by violent action like a breaking storm inbetween the magazine articles and the lip gloss.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

This is absolutely 'Cool'! I loved the pitch and kept wondering and hoping the book would be in the same style. You did not dissapoint and I was smitten with the mad ramblings of one of the most unique, insane and thrilling protagonist I have come across on this site. I like the way you went all out and I appreciate the guts it took. There is a reason people are obsessed with 'James Bond' like characters, because nothing is impossible for him and he is the coolest. Lara is exciting, your style is captivating and add to that a most unsual romance, I would say, this is sure to be a winner.
Backed with pleasure.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Had to read this after seeing that pitch, really; it's simply not possible...

'I wondered if he owned a pair of lucky one-shot underpants', or is it?

And even a serious note amidst the frivolity, 'They don't impart any more life onto their targets than their cash value'. Lara is nothing if not practical. Who needs a sniper rifle when there's a number 9 knitting needle? Turns out the postman is the next hit after this one, 'he shoots himself in the chest', very nicely done. The idea of head office following the hit men around via satellite is a good 'un (they aren't Goggle, are they?). 'Coin-op sat-nav street car', is this in the future by any chance? That would account for a few things. Lets hope her new wing guy isn't Jason Green who 'wouldn't know empathy unless it was the name of a porn star' ... oops, it is.

I didn't think this could be as good as it is, Lisa: a strange mix of comedy and straight-faced violence which looks to eventually lead to a bit of romance. That will really upset Lara's applecart. She's not the normal kick-ass heroine, shrinking violet, or waste-of-space siren, more a domestic warrior of the rolling pin and cast iron pan variety, but with more glam than Andy Cap's missus (if you don't know, don't ask). The wit is sharp enough to cut yourself on, and the writing almost flawless. Odd but effective and highly entertaining, just like Lara ... backed.

Possible nits: 'the charisma to enthral a room[,] with homes that look like'. 'the kind of people that [who] others'. 'Who'd be a hit man[?]' 'back the way ... back to my car'. Perhaps drop a hint early on that this is set in the future or an alternative reality (for dumbos like me). There might be almost too much clever stuff early on in the first chapter. Pruning it slightly, to leave only the most brilliant observations, will get the reader to the action a bit sooner ... I'm not sure ... something to consider.

Just a word of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems.

Lisa I would normally start with I would never read anything like this, but I am so glad I did. I see also you are published now too. So well done, but I am not surprised. It has a good story, great narrative, brilliant flow to it that gets the reader hooked in the early stages and the pace is great for not only the book but also this genre. It suits you well. I enjoyed this and score it high.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

I think I've read other books of yours so I was intrigued. I certainly stayed so since your first chapters raise so many questions. So long in her head I so wanted action, but when it came it was good and mysterious. A must read on. Well done. Lara
A RELATIVE INVASION

Not only does Lisa Scullard write terrific books and prolifically, but she is one great gal, and great in the literary tradition of Ezra Pound and Allen Ginsberg, writers who go out of their way to help other writers. It is the rare individual in publishing who will help and Lisa is that rare one. Allow me to explain: Out of five hundred contacts, and that is not an exaggeration but a fact with data to back it up, three people provided support. I worked in publishing starting in the late 1980s. We did everything with a pen -- no computers yet. I was an editor for a non-fiction children's book publisher (now out of business) who Americanized library books from the UK. And, no one from that world or the world of rock and roll (which I wrote about) was willing or able to lend a hand. Writing comes with mountains of rejection, so it's not for the faint of heart or hand, but this lovely Lisa with her boundless energy did some amazing things, and I never met her. She's from the UK and I'm from the USA. But she has done much to lift my spirits, and I am obliged to tell you about it.


Read Lisa's books; she's going places and she deserves every success that comes her way. You'll learn from her.


Lisa, this is my humble Thanksgiving tribute to you. Thank you. And to that poor sad soul out there who left the angry comment on amazon.co.uk, thank you. Thanks for, once again, letting Lisa's light shine through.


Happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night.


I'm not much on authonomy these days, I'm currently overwhelmed with all kinds of catastrophes, but it's been a pleasure meeting you.


GK Stritch

The writing is good, and so is the premise of the story. But the story just seems to ramble on, it goes that a person with a high power rifle lying in wait can be approached by a woman in a Skelton outfit carrying a flag and he doesn't notice, and he can be taken out with a baseball bat. How does she know where he'll be an at what time. I also didn't find anything funny. She seems quite arrogant in this silly situation and it seems that is the only way that this woman hit man of hit men could be good if the situation is unlikely.

I think it needs editing.

Abby

Love this idea and you have a great female MC. I love chick lit, but haven't read much on here, as my book is a completely different genre (and one I don't actually read a lot myself, was just compelled to write the book). So this month I decided to pick books I genuinely read for my shelf. This is brilliant - love the title too. I've read upto chapter 4 and hope you put some more on, it's gripping and entertaining in equal measure.

Lianne
Big Girl Lost

I love this book. Keep up the great work.

Hi Lisa

Looking for God? Want to know what's what? look no further you've found it, it's all here, yes, at last, what you've always wanted, you can rest at last, the search is ov.... No hang on! That was someone else's book. Never mind, maybe you could spare a moment to look at mine anyway?


Kindest regards
Adam

P.S. Please see How to fail on my book shelf, I think you would like it, I'm drumming up support for it, please help.

I read the first three chapters.

General comments: A promising start. A well-fleshed out main character. By the end of the first chapter I want to see how she deals with the challenges in this story. Excellent use of deep point of view to give dimension to Lara. Clever wit. Effective descriptions. Good tension. Leisurely pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'I'd have to go in Halloween costume again' hooked me.
2) 'I felt sorry for the sniper.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her empathy for the sniper as realistically as possible so the reader will experience it along with Lara. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your scene.
3) 'Baeball bat AND plumbing wrench, ... ' There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to determine what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark to emphasize a word. There are more cases of this type of problem in the three chapters I read.
4) There is a lot of 'telling' and 'backstory' in this chapter. I understand that this is a characteristic of Lara's self-monitoring but it still seems excessive to the point of slowing the pacing. Also, the first chapter seems quite long. Consider starting chapter one at the paragraph beginning with 'I think I have the ability to be the classical and aloof warrior queen ... '
5) "Yeah, that would do it," I sigh. Period after 'it.' 'I sigh' is a beat, not a dialogue tag. Therefore the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period.
6) "Old age escaped pensioner just turned up," she grins. Period after 'up' and capitalize 'she.' 'She grins' is a beat, not a dialogue tag. Therefore the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period.
7) 'I feel slightly queasy, ... ' Try to avoid using the verb 'feel.' Just describe her queasiness so vividly the reader experiences it along with Lara. By doing this, you'll plunge the reader further into your scene.

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) This chapter gets off to a gripping start.
2) ' ... and the scene will be cleared for me by 10:00 a.m, courtesy of the City Council.' Put a period after 'm.'
3) 'The Northern lass that sings on a cruise ship ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' There are more cases where you use 'that' when 'who' is appropriate.
4) Capitalize 'internet.'
5) I had to look up 'broderie anglaise.' Doing this took me out of your story. You don't want that. Consider using 'lace.'
6) 'I'm feeling disturbed.' Try to avoid using the word 'feeling.' Just describe her upsetness in so much detail that the reader will experience it along with Lara. By doing this, the reader will be engaged much deeper in the scene.

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) Hyphenate 'scantily clad.'
2) ' ... and is only 45 seconds long.' Spell out numbers 1-99.
3) Capitalize 'internet.' There are several cases in this chapter (and perhaps in the manuscript) where you should capitalize 'internet.'
4) " ... in between trying to be Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan at all the local martial arts clubs," Flynn chuckles. Period after 'clubs.' 'Flynn chuckle' is a beat, not a dialogue tag. Therefore the last sentence of dialogue should be punctuated with a period. There are more cases in this chapter where dialogue followed by a beat is punctuated with a comma when a period is appropriate.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Crime/Thriller and Sub-genre Review Group
Title: Death & The City
Author: Lisa Scullard

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[04] Speed (Front end drags, overall was a tad slow)
[05] Enjoyment
[05] Interest

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[08] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors
[04] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (Watch out for beats following dialogue. They should be capitalized.)
[05] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[08] Coherent / Order
[09] Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[05] Cover Design
[07] Pitch

TOTAL
[60/100]

Comments: I read the first three chapters. A promising start. A well-fleshed out main character. By the end of the first chapter I want to see how she deals with the challenges in this story. Excellent use of deep point of view to give dimension to Lara. Clever wit. Effective descriptions. Good tension. Leisurely pacing.

Star rating: 4

My grading criteria: 1=not publishable, 5=publishable, 10=exceptionally publishable

Hi Lisa; Great read and races right along. This is my Official Thriller review.

Official Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Death and the City
Author: Lisa Scullard

Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[09] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[09] Enjoyment
[09] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[08] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[09] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[09] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[09] Coherent / Order
[08] Character/Subject Development – maybe me but I had a bit of trouble picturing her

Marketing
[07] Cover Design
[07] Pitch (is a bit scattered and I didn’t feel compelled to read)

TOTAL
[84/100]

Comments: Once I got about half way through the first chapter it became interesting. I’m not saying the first part wasn’t, just took that long for me to get into the style. I wonder about using ‘some’ British words like ‘tyre’ and not ‘spanner’ for a wrench. Outside of a few missing commas (damn things), the only other issue was an ‘s’ on the end of Toyota near the end of the first chapter.

An enjoyable read and hope you have great success.

Star rating : 4

Dear Lisa,

Finally able to post on the book page....

Here is my review for the purposes of our new thread.
Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Death and the City
Author: Lisa Scullard
Chapters 1,2 and 3
Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[6] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[7] Enjoyment
[7] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[09] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[05] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[9] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[7] Coherent / Order
(7) Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[07] Pitch
(TOTAL
[75/100]

Comments:
This has clearly found a niche in the market as I understand that you have already self-published and it is doing very well. And it is readers who count, after all. So all credit to you. 4 stars.

Other comments:

Lara is something of an unreliable narrator, a kick-ass assassin, devoid of emotion when she’s doing her day job. Lara states that as far as she’s concerned her targets are: ‘ just there on my To Do List.’ When violence is depicted in this way with no consequences and devoid of emotion, to this reader it becomes a video game. That works in Lara’s dystopian world. As far as genre classification goes it reads more like dystopian fantasy/action adventure. The really excellent cover design does underscore those elements too.

Even though Lara has her own unique view of the world, with thoughts on all manner of topics, from the way thick people rush to fill up their cars the moment there’s a price rise to how to have perfect hair, I did feel that the many asides could do with another really good edit. And another content and copy edit and a polish of the prose would iron out some of those grammar nits.

I don’t know if it is possible to re-edit after something has been published on Amazon so please feel free to discard these comments.

For example in the first sentence, in the current format there is a dangling participle at the end of the sentence because the main verb is ‘I woke.’ But at the end of the sentence the ‘screwing up my plans already’ refers to the snow. My first pass at re-writing that sentence, in order to keep the voice of your character, would go something like this: I woke up on the fifth of April at 6.00am to be greeted by snow. Talk about screwing up my plans.

However, these nits aside, it’s refreshing to see such a strong female protagonist and you’ve clearly found a market for your book and for that reason alone I think you’ve done a great job.

Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

Crime/Thriller and sub genre review group
Title: Death and the City
Author: Lisa Scullard
Chaps 1-2.
Wow Factor (Read Speed/Enjoyment)
[7] Speed (Easy/Fast)
[8] Enjoyment
[8] Interest (very good scenes)

Literacy (Editing/Proofing/Structure)
[09] Free of (obvious) Spelling Errors (easy fix)
[09] Free of (obvious) Contextual Grammar Errors (easy edit)
[10] Free of Distracting Dialog

Story
[9] Coherent / Order
(6) Character/Subject Development

Marketing
[10] Cover Design
[09] Pitch
(TOTAL
[85/100]

Comments:
I probably didn't get this Lisa so please view my comments through the prism of a thick bloke who hates SITC after years of forced viewing from my OH. I understand this is already published so All the Best with it.
John.
Generally female tone. At times chatty, sometimes rambling and, for this reader, not funny. Once the action started it was lively, brisk and engaging. I find the premise abit unrealistic and contrived. Chapter length long and pace is erractic. Dialogue effective but at times too curt. Didn't enjoy it as much as I'd hoped however the action scenes are well-managed and effective.
Star rating 4

DEATH & THE CITY
I opened this because I liked the title of it. And when I began reading, liked the story as well. It’s interesting to learn about different occupations and your main character’s is certainly different. If I had a suggestion to make, it would be to get her using the baseball bat sooner, then come back and fill in back story. I know you wanted a contrast between her everyday thinking (what should I wear?) and the violence of her occupation, but you also want to get to the meat of your story to hook your reader. Either way, this is a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hi Lisa,
Very original story: a bit frightening though, with all those killings going on in England. She's very busy for a hit-woman. I enjoyed the totally different slant and the female protagonist. A good read. Best of luck.
Robert

Latest edits are now uploaded here (having said I never would, for posterity's sake!), and pitch tidied-up and slightly revised.

Thanks for all the feedback on this one, folks - 130+ peeks and comments over the past year is a lot. I appreciate it.

Lisa :)

Hi Lisa,

Liked your pitch and loved your cover, so that’s why I’m here.

Quick comments on your pitch. Hit man doesn’t need to be hyphenated here. On the short pitch, delete that “yet.” It’s weak and I might suggest rewriting to include more active tense.

The long pitch is way too wordy. Get rid of some of that back story and unnecessary details.

Chapter One
The first line is clunky. Who/what is screwing up the narrator’s plans. As it’s written he/she is screwing up his/her own plans. It’s not the snow that screws up his/her plans. Did you mean it to be that way?

This is a fun read. You’re character has a great voice and the prose between the dialogue is smooth and fluid. Really liking the dialogue.

I can see this story doing well (it already is)

Best of luck with this! High stars and I’ll push the chick-lit fans I know toward it when appropriate.

If you get the chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. I’d love to know your thoughts.

All the best,

Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Back for a second look at this one. Love the cover, love the pitches, love the book. I bought it on Kindle, so there! Amazing imagination, a main character to linger long in the memory and a storyline that never flags. I love this, but you probably already guessed. Hoping for great things with this one, Lisa, deserves to be a massive success.
Jake

I think I'm in love with this book. I've just started reading it and I'm enjoying it so much I'm going to track it down on Kindle when I get in from work. Awesome book! Your main character is very likeable.

Lou

The Keenest Sorrow.

So, I bought this from amazon, and I'm having ever so much fun reading it! It's like Rambo meets The Long Kiss Goodnight! It's awesome! Your main character is great, and I love the way you reveal her to us in bits and pieces. Very non-info-dumpish. Lara's quirks and slightly odd personality are fantastic and the supporting cast very cool as well. Love the fact that Junior knows full well what her mum does for a living and accepts it the way other kids would accept their parents' accounting jobs. It's yet another unexpected twist that you take the reader on. I am enjoying learning hitman slang and various way to kill people.
The plot in itself is awesome, very cool and unexpected: a hitwoman hired to kill hitmen? Sweet! All in all, this is a very enjoyable read, and I will be leaving a nice review on amazon for you once I've finished...

Hi again Lisa,

Great news this is now published. My fingers are crossed that you'll sell many thousands of copies. ;)

I'm pretty sure I've read + backed this ages ago, but I'm back to peek again + comment in a transparent attempt to curry favour. ;)

I can’t really remember your book as it’s been so long since I last looked, but I’m heartened to read your list of favoured authors on your profile. With such a pedigree, I’m expecting you’ll have produced something pleasingly bonkers. ;)

I generally comment as I read since I find it the easiest way to keep track. So, without further ado, here I go. :)

Chapter 1:

Ohhhh now I remember this. There can’t be many books that start with a chick lit assassin in a Halloween costume. I’m baffled how I ever forgot this now. ;)

I like all the meandering asides of your main character. They contrast so well and so daftly with the topic in hand, killing. I’m honestly not sure if she’s a bit deranged or just v odd. Either way, it’s a fun start to read ;).

I like the description “Hollywood hitmen”. Sums it all up so well + speaks v loudly of her contemptuous attitude for those men. Is she right to be so confident, though? She’s either v good at what she does or she’s definitely more than a bit bonkers. Sounds like she doesn’t play by their old fashioned rules, though. Hmmm is that what makes her so effective? We’ll see. ;)

Her meandering thoughts on powerful women throughout the ages etc are quite telling. I think she may have a deep-buried inferiority complex and be out to prove something. When she sees her reflection, we get another hint she’s not exactly all there in the head. The complete lack of fear in her expression’s inhuman, especially considering what she’s up to!

I almost laughed aloud at the cheery image of her passing the postman in fancy dress, swinging her baseball bat. She’s just off for a merry day’s killing. Tra la la la la :).

I like the buildup while she’s waiting behind the hitman, musing away. The longer it goes on, the more my tension increases. I keep expecting him to turn around and spot her at any moment. When she finally gets around to the killing, it’s surprisingly easy and quick.1 blow. I think the instant’s all the more effective for its brevity. Hmm interesting revelation that stopping these guys is her job. It raises the question of who in hell she’s working for. It’s hardly a regular 9 to 5, is it? ;). I blinked when she shot him so casually. The action hammered home the fact she’s no amateur. Scary that death’s s easy for her. Brrr.

Surprise news comes that the postman’s the next target. Ironic they passed each other earlier in such a carefree manner. I wonder if he was having similar thoughts to her as he went by, musing about the killing to come. Darkly funny ;).

Intriguing mystery that the next target of the postman’s a student. I didn’t expect that. Why would anybody want a student dead? They tend to be so harmless.

Ah … seems like she got too close to the wrong person. That would do it. Those guys must be v jumpy about their privacy.

Wow great scene with the postman at the door. It was v chilling and effective the way she just reached out and made him shoot himself. I can really picture that scene + feel his confusion. Ah but he recognises her just at the end. Lara. This woman must have quite a reputation. No wonder, from what I’ve witnessed so far!

Strange mystery about the postman’s next target. Will we ever find out what the heavy duty thing is, I wonder? I like the following talking shop with head office. Filled with interesting details. My ears perked up when I hear she’s getting a wing man. I didn’t expect that. Lara seems like the sort to work alone.

Uh oh the upcoming partner’s somebody she knows + seems v unimpressed by. I’m sensing a lot of conflict’s coming. Wow if she thinks he’s weird, he really must be off his trolley!...

Well, what can I say? I sort of remembered the events in your book, but I’d forgotten just how bonkers and darkly funny they were ;).

Lisa makes 1 of the most unusual and interesting protagonists I’ve read on authonomy. If I knew her, I wouldn’t feel safe around her without bullet proof glass between us. She’s like a ticking time bomb. Not knowing what the hell she was going to do next kept me right on the edge of my seat for the entire time I read this.

The idea of a story based on a woman killing hitmen’s fascinating too. She’s the ultimate badass. Given the job she’s doing + her mental state, I don’t know if she’s the hero, the antihero, or some unholy mix of both. All I know is your story’s a lot of fun and I’d happily read all of it if I had enough time. :)

Despite the fact you’re now published and no longer need ratings, I’ve given you 6 stars. In my opinion, your book deserves it. Please let me know if this does well on kindle. I’d love to hear that great news. ;)

Best wishes,

Pete x

This book is genuinely funny! And I can't give a higher recommendation than that. It is one of the few 'humour' books that deserves its place in that genre. It's well written and flows. I'm a fan.

Hi Lisa,

This is the stuff modern literature is made of - like modern art and modern music - ages ahead of current drab drones. You are I believe one of the few trend-setters, who are bold enough to incorporate technology with prose and psychology with crime. I admit that at times I had to read a paragraph twice to get experience the full impact because I thought you were meandering, but the effort was worthwhile when I realized the necessity. The dialogue is a plus and so is the pace. I am not a male chauvinist but I thought Lara does what most males dare not. That's why I like it.
I am sure you will find a publisher soon.
I have starred and backed it so that you move up the ladder and get a professional review.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

This is becoming my late night read. I think chapter 2flows even better than ch.1. But it,s often like that. There,s no backstory to get across so everything stays focused a hundred per cent. some great ideas and small touches like Made good telly on the satellite' and 'the hostility industry'. The convenience of the tow away zone made me smile. And as ever the Head Office satellite control is an invention of pure genius, remotely scamming a voucher onto a card etc.
Just wondering if there,s an overall grand plot as in the conventional novel. Not saying you need one, just curious. The voice is so compelling here and Lara is such an extraordinary character, a true hero. Good luck with this. I want a copy when it,s published.

Well this MC has to be the sassiest on Authonomy. Quite the depth psychologist too she is on the quiet.
Lisa, I think you,ve got yourself a winner here. I admit I thought you must be joking, tagging it as Litfit with a chick lit sub. But I think you,re right. This isn,t frivolous. And it,s not comedy, at least not self consciously so. I think you,re one of life,s originals and so the humour just happens naturally in and around your MC.
I like the banter with the HQ and the rubbing shoulders with the police, the coin op Sat nav street cars, the special delivery postal times interrupted because of Facebuddy leaks. Your MC,s self awareness and groundedness is Stirling. The eyes in the back of the head thing is so simple it,s genius, and the reflective bits, like the observations on stereotyping, serio comic all of them.
No typos. A couple of unintended tense changes mid sentence.
I backed it last night, will up the stars now,keep reading and come back when I,ve something more to say.
Julia.

Dear Lisa,

There are lots of images and commercial and popular kinds of themes in your book which seem well integrated. I do not a visual imagination, however your reality of death in your novel is visionary. The companies I myself usually keep are not like those of your characters with whom I would have a hard time speaking to. I am more and more of a skeptic that it becomes easier in time when you get older to make new friends. Thank you for sharing.

Billy M.

Check out my song, "Dear Lara," at
http://www.LEVEL4kungfuCOWBOY.com

Interesting viewpoint from your killer's mind.

I like autobiographies, and this one didn’t disappoint. :)

My problem is I’m cursed with a serious defecit in the humour department. I have to get by on about 20% of the average human quotient. As a result, much of this went clean over my head. But I did get some, and it’s clear that the whole piece bobs along on a gentle countercultural undercurrent of pisstaking. I loved this:

‘It’s called Histrionic Personality Disorder… apparently half of Hollywood suffers from it.’
“Is that like getting too attached or too desperate too soon?”

The main point though is there’s so much else going on. For a start, there’s a ferociously off-planet imagination at work here. And the words ‘zany’ and ‘quirky’ are far too small to contain it. We’re drawn into a world where the soi-disant ‘troubled’ narrator is pretty much the only agreeable human being amongst a bunch of recognisably normal but thoroughly unattractive specimens, some of whom she is routinely obliged to kill. This gives the whole story a kind of Laingian flip, which once you get the hang of things is quite exhilarating.

I loved too the benignly omnipotent Head Office, with its satellite ability to change traffic lights, alter swipe cards and clear a back road of all its traffic. What a marvellous authorial device.

The writing zips along. After blanching initially at the length of the ch’s and the paras, I surprised myself by settling in comfortably. I can see why you have had defend yourself against criticisms of this, but for me it worked. I even cruised through some pretty complex psychological analyses (real and fake!) without any trouble.

All in all, a thrilling read. Can’t wait for the book.

Pete

This is a wonderfully feel good book and I am only too happy to back. Wishing you success. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

Ok I've just read a chapter and a half, and this is funny, makes me smile anyway.

Great imagination. Not PC I don't think this is going to be...huray.

Well done. On my w/l, just starred and I will be backing this in a day or so, just need to honour my shelf commitments.

Daniel.

The DEAD Bloc.

Hi Lisa.

This is a very witty, engaging piece of work. Quite a few times a ludicrous snort of a laugh escaped my nostrils. This doesn't sound like it but it's a tremendous commendation. I normally sit in silence like a corpse when reading. I loved the bit about the seagull-startled sniper and the cat in the microwave. This deserves to do well.

Your main character is snarky and cynnical. Enjoyed your biting sense of humor. Only criticism is the beginning is somewhat confusing-sniper and Halloween costume on April 6th.

I read the whole thing and enjoyed it very much, with its chatty and amusing style. Not sure it’ll go down too well with doormen and barmaids. I liked your MC and some of her insights, and the daughter’s unimpressed acceptance of her mum’s job. I agree with some of the other comments about breaking up the chapters and some of the very long paragraphs – especially for reading from screen. There were a couple of places where I thought it could be improved: the very beginning, which could have cut to the action a little quicker, and I thought the gossip with Elaine in Ch.3 went on a little too long. I have a few train-spotterish comments to make – which may or may not be relevant – but I’ll leave those to a message to you. But overall it was great fun! I wish you luck with it.

Your novel is a clear indication of decline of morals in the society. Selfish men are wandering in the society to allure others for their own pleasures. No section in the society is freed from this evil. This novel is an eye-opener of these evils forces and caution people that how much it is deep.

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

i like this and i think it will be even more powerful when you sharpen it up even further. maybe a tad more obliqueness here and there? have you thought of opening with the sentence "i felt sorry for the sniper" ?

"i feel slightly queasy, wondering abu the contents of jason's skull" is good.

there is a sense of overall paranoia in this which is taking.

good luck with it, lisa, and remember, you're incredulous.

freddie

Hi Lisa,

Have had this on my shelf for a while now; I've six-starred it, it's superb. Excellent wise-guy (gurl?) dialogue, and a brilliant, non-gory pay-off to the hitwoman's mission. I liked the banter between "head office" and your narrator, and loved the sassy Carl Hiaasen style banter throughout. Excellent stuff, very well written.

Cheers

Pat

Lisa - very unusual voice. Took me a while to get used to it (in fact I almost gave up when I read your pitch - but it actually conveys a good flavour of what your writing is like), but well worth the little perseverance. Backed.

Death and the City - This is completely original. Lara Leatherstone half pyscho, half normal person (whatever that is) opens her mind and life to the reader and takes them on numerous hits. Her do List - is varied, and keeps growing longer. Her methods for wiping out those on it are committed with nonchalant violence that is both funny and horrific at the same time. This sentence made me laugh out loud, 'Baseball bat AND plumbing wrench, I thought grimly, picking up my car-keys as I headed out. A skellington can turn up carrying whatever he damn well pleases.'
Lara Leatherstone by all accounts has a very disordered mind that does not negate the fact she is resourceful, determined and quick thinking. She has a very busy time of it in the first few chapters and work has to be completed successfully because she has to collect her child from school.
An intriguing premise carried out with elan. I loved it.

Child Atramentus Speaks

Hi Lisa,

slick and very left-of-centre, great pitch and very, very well written - hard to find anything wrong - backed gladly & will love to see the finished article,

backed

Rob

Hi Lisa,

slick and very left-of-centre, great pitch and very, very well written - hard to find anything wrong - backed gladly & will love to see the finished articel,

backed

Rob

Dear Lisa,
Having read the opening of your book, I realise I am going to enjoy holding you in captivity. It's rare, obviously being a pyromanica deviant, to find someone on the same wavelength. But I think the character you've created has an excellent voice and she's original. Which is very refreshing.

It's probably the only book on this site I've found genuinely funny and that's because it has more imagination and depth than the typical (predominantly) comical novel and therefore doesn't try too hard (doesn't need to) to overwork the humour.Instead it fits it in between the action.
The only concern I have is that there is a lot of information presented in monologue form about the character from the offset. It didn't spoil it for me, but I'm biased. I think objectively, it could be split with some showing rather than telling. I believe that would improve it.
Perhaps if you behave,during your period of captivity, I might expand on this.
But, being serious, I think this has real potential. I rated it 6/6. Not sure if I can back it, as in one of my many fake guises I may have backed it before.
Best wishes
See you soon!!!!
K I Dn'apper.






.

This is great, I love the train of thought writing. I like the random thoughts that are coming into her head... like the sniper maybe having a dentist appointment. I also love details like her wearing a halloween costume that just add to the great story. Backed with pleasure I would buy this! Clare

A sharp-witted and well observed story with a great premise and a wonderful twist of black humour. I love the way you've given a new direction to the familiar hitman story. From what I've read this is an excellent story and I will back it to the hilt.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

Emma Peel.2!
Funny and smart. Lara asks the questions in the first chapter that always bugged me . . . lucky charms? Don't they have to visit the loo? Everytime I'm waiting for someone at the mall, sure enough, if I go to the lavatory, the person I was looking for walks by just as I'm gone . . . all these musings give substance to Lara, making her real for me . . . and the true professional always makes the impossible appear mundane, like you or i could do it, too . . . but we can't, and never will . . . very good. The chapters are long, but with quality writing, it doesn't really matter . . .

very interesting story. your protagonist is one hell of a scary woman. Great flow though. The first personmonologues are done well and stop just short of being too much. Backed previously.

Weston Kincade
Invisible Dawn

Just read the opening pages and, sure, there are bits that can be tightened up, but I'm going to plump for the 'highly talented writer' bit (ref: forum post). Overall length is probably because you've got a potential series in this. Now on my watchlist. Will back it when I have an opening on the bookshelf.
All the best,
NaomiM

Lisa
what appears to be a stream of consciousness rant is a ver clever way of telling this story.
I do think your chapters are way too long but that could just be in this format (hard to tell). Like the idea of the main character being a woman novel but she doesn't actually come across as very womanly if you know what i mean.
anyway wish you good luck with it
:)
Diane

This is great! Snarky, fun, fast-paced, and delectable! You've definitely got a fun concept and fun book going here, from what I can see. My main concern is the beginning... it's too bogged down by inner thoughts and back story. Chop it down to just a few paragraphs (perhaps 500- 700 words tops, less if you can!) and you've got yourself a winner. So many times as authors we add backstory, but there's no reason to. It's just better to jump in with the action. The backstory comes out all along. Like when she first approaches the guy on the roof, we see there she wonders who he is. That's all you need. Also watch out for extra long paragraphs. The big chunky ones can easily be chopped into 3-4, but that's an easy fix!

This was amazing. And I think you've got yourself an awesome book! So please, don't take what I say in offense, this one could actually make it.

Jenni

I like your narrative style. Lara's stream of consciousness races along at a fast pace. It makes her character quite intriguing and definately likeable.

Tracy Buchanan
The Candyfloss Room

The prose is beautiful, but pace is very slow...you should cut out some of the monologue...

Hi Lisa
Great story, unique plot. I loved Lara - she is easy to warm to. I think you have been really clever putting this together. My only crit would be the pitch - I think it's a but rambly all in one para. I was, like 'Whoah, what's going on here?'. By the way, the cover is great too - really fits the story and genre.
Backed
MrDog