The Hypnonaut

Michael,

I've enjoyed reading Chapter 1. You write extremely well, and the tale promises intrigue and mystery. I've starred your work very highly.

You have already received many suggestions, and I am not the best of critics, but in my humble opinion, I do think you need a cleaner, stronger opening sentence (or sentences). Have you thought about breaking the first sentence into two? Perhaps something along the lines of:

A long, eclectic debris field was scattered across my bedroom floor. I had spent the night before Freshman Orientation sifting through a collage of old photos and accumulated junk from my childhood, etc.

Thanks again for your continued support of 'MASTER ACT'. With your help, I've now broken though the top 100!

Cheers,

David

Oh, I really like this. Great coming of age story (don’t know why I always love these so much) and a very healthy mixed of genres that complement each other so well.

You have a natural ability to create tense suspense. Once I read that he didn’t recognise anyone from photos I was hooked. It was such a simple idea but it worked so powerfully. I had to know more.

Some very wordy sentences but because the pace is so snappy and the premise so strong I actually really enjoyed the flowery language.

Best of luck with this,

Janny

- The Hypnonaut -

(Chapters 1-3)

This is one of those books that left me wishing I had more time to read on. I'm a sucker for a coming-of-age tale, especially when it's mixed in with a slightly supernatural element and populated by a host of believable and beguiling characters-

I had a soft spot for Hermit straight away, largely because i was him at that age. I even made a similar deal with myself - although I did't end up fulfilling it until some five years later. His parents are jusr too funny and both sketched out very well. Celine, yes good. I'm in love with her. What's that? Diana - unusual, witty, free-spirited yet with some tangible inner pain and vulnerability? Now she must be my wife. Excellent characterisation and dialogue all round.

The plot and the dream element seem to be developing slowly and I like that personally. We have enough in the opening chapters to pique our interest without giving the game away.

I have some nitpicks and edity things in case they are of interest.

Chapter one:

-'long eclectic debris field' seems a bit of unwieldy phrasing. Perhaps 'eclectic field of debris'?

-To make the sentence run more smoothly, I'd omit 'various' from 'or any other various article'.

- 'Dinner last night was awkward to say the least, and that's saying a lot.' To say the least and that's saying a lot? It doesn't run well and seems contracdictory.

-'would only have themselves to contend with and that's never been something I've been particularly comfortable with.' The two clauses ending 'with' is a bit unwieldy. I'd suggest rephrasing.

- I also noticed here and throughout that a lot of Hermi's thoughts are put into speech marks and said by the character out loud. It seems a little strange that he's talking to himself all the time and I think it'd run better if he simply narrated these things as thoughts.

Chapter two

-Terms of address in speech should be preceded by a comma, e.g. 'Hey guy, you're up,' should have a comma before 'guy'.


Chapter three

- None here, other than the continuing thoughts spoken out loud.


As I say, I'd have read further had I the time and that's always a good sign. I enjoyed reading this a lot and imagine that others would too.

All the best with it,

Ross

The Hypnonaut
Fiction 1st person

Premise, A freshman in college meets his dream girl while struggling with dreams

Pacing: Ch 1 and 2 drag with a tremendous amount of character development and little suspense. When MC meets the young woman at the lake, the pacing picks up. While the MC is an engaging primary, the first 2 chapters suffer from overly detailed and mundane events. The lack of a clearly engaging and compelling plot in the first part of the book might lose most readers.

The novel is listed as complete at 36K words. This is EXTREMELY short for a novel.

I read through Ch 3 and my comments are based only to that extent. IMO, the character development is exceptionally good and might be good enough to overcome the lack of a clearly developed conflict.

Mechanics: There are a number of issues with mechanics, most are minor and would be easily corrected with a thorough review. I noticed CarolinaAl's comment covered most of those I saw and so I won't repeat those. My concern is typically more in the "bones" rather than the "skin".

IMO, this promises to be a compelling piece with some fleshing out with more visceral responses. Also, I think the book starts in the wrong place. I think Ch 1 & 2 could easily be condensed down with more brevity. Here, less would be more. Where the action really begins, in Ch 3, more is needed. Tarry here a bit. Give the reader a deeper connection to the MC. There wasn't any surprise at seeing the girl stuck in the mud. There wasn't any humor explored here. Falling into the mud together ... come on, what guy wouldn't want to mud wrestle? This event was exceptional, but it fell flat and the opportunity to expound was missed.

While this may all sound harsh and negative, I don't mean to be. I think the author shows some tremendous ability and promise. I don't usually go into this much detail in my rantings, but I'm impressed enough that I'd like to see this author revise this work into a marketable piece.

Raechel
Echo

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An engaging start. A fascinating main character. Good descriptions. Not much tension in this chapter, Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... when he has been freshly released from a scuffle with mom.' Capitalize 'mom.' In this context, 'mom' is a proper noun and should be capitalized.
2) ' ... swelled up fom below her carefully Mascara'd crow's feet.' No need to capitalize 'mascara'd.'
3) ' ... on dressing me up as a 50's greaser for Halloween when I was six.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where numbers should be spelled out.
4) "I'm very serious Slick." Comma after 'serious.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma. There are more cases where you address someone in dialogue, but don't offset their name or title with a comma.
5) Capitalize 'internet.'
6) Hyphenate 'silver haired.'
7) 'I'm so young and you're so old, this my darlin' I've been told ..... ' When using ellipses ( ... ), only use three dots. Using more dots is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with five dots. You don't want that.
8) 'I payed close attention to her eyes ... ' 'Payed' should be 'paid.'
9) Excellent end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinion. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a wonderful day.

Al

Hi Michael,

I just read The Fossil Farm and spotted that Joanna recommends your book, so here I am. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

Chapter 1:

I think you do a good job of showing Hermitt’s worried state of mind with the clutter of his room. Clever. And I can almost feel the tension in the air at dinner.

I’ve a tiny dialogue suggestion here. I’d stick to undescriptive speech tags such as “said” because when you write something like “ “So are you excited about your 1st day at school tomorrow?” my mother inquired…” we know the character’s inquiring from the dialogue itself. You’ve already done the job perfectly, so I think the explanation after the dialogue’s not needed.

Reading on… I think the conversation with his parents is v well done. The awkward silences are somehow louder than the words that are said. The parents seem well-meaning, but hopelessly out of touch in many ways.

I’ve another little suggestion here. I don’t think using stuff like started/began is generally a good idea. Most actions just happen. eg I think “…and began to flip through them.” Would read better just as “…and flipped through them.”

Reading on… The experience with the photos is odd. Why isn’t he in any of them? Has some strange event somehow wiped his existence from the photos? Or was he always the guy taking the pictures? The 1 watching the fun yet not being able to join in? Maybe. Seems he was always the guy on the sidelines. Strange that he has such trouble recalling names, though.

I smiled when his dad gave him the condom. That was a nice little funny moment. Pulled me out of what could have been a depressing reminiscence for Hermitt. Oh I think I see why you gave your protagonist that name now. Seems like he has lived his early life as a sort of hermit. Clever. ;)

At the end of the scene. It becomes clear just how nervous he is. I’m starting to wonder if he’s ready for college. In this state, they might well eat him alive.

*

Good description of the diner, and its interior. You paint the scene efficiently with just enough description. V weird that everybody’s so old, though. This can’t be right. Is this a dream, I wonder?

Yup, the impossible bathroom makes it clear this is a dream. Hmmm I wonder what all this business with the letters and the advice from Celia is. I guess I’ll have to read on and find out. ;)

Chapter 2:

lol I love the alarm clock. That would be so annoying. It also reinforces the idea his mum’s a bit kooky + is completely out of touch with his current age/life.

Wow this kid’s a real worrier, more so than any kid that age I can imagine. I can’t believe he’s already panicking about getting kicked out of college + worrying about a mortgage. He desperately needs to get away from home, I think.

I can’t blame him for fibbing about the “parents have to stay home” email. Any parents are embarrassing, but his could be lethal to his social standing on his 1st day. ;)

I was surprised to learn he got driving so early. It speaks of his need to escape. I’d have thought he’d have been too careful/ filled with worry to do such a think. Looks like I was wrong. Good for him.

As he reminisces, I feel sorry for him. Sounds like he really hasn’t enjoyed his childhood much at all. His is a life unlived up until this point. I’m really hoping that will all change when he reaches college. I’m glad he made the resolution to change at college.

Good to see his 1st experience in the dorm goes so well. This new place seems full of hope and opportunities for him. And it looks like he soon makes a friend in Theo. Good for him.

*

The 2nd dream is urgent and scary. I wonder, what is he running from? He seems terrified. Whatever it is, he gets away. Phew. I’d liked to have seen what was chasing him, though. My imagination’s making this formless threat nastier and darker. ;)

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. I guess I better stop before it grows to a ridiculous size. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with teenage angst and growing tension. Your descriptions are well done, and really paint pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. There are hints that his dreams are v important, maybe more than just dreams. I want to read on and find what the cause for these dreams and fears are. And I’d love to see if he ever comes out of his shell and manages to live his life at last. :)

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I think there's a real audience out there for your work. I can see kids really sympathising with poor Hermitt and desperately wanting to see how his story turns out.

Best of luck getting published,

Pete

Sorry it’s taken so long to get to this Michael. Will try to give you an in-depth review.

I found it very well written and the narrator was nicely drawn with a clear voice. I think it’s a little over-written at times, a little too much explaining of stuff that’s apparent from what’s happening. Some of the sentences get a bit long too. Nothing wrong with that, but be careful not to stick too many of them together, makes the head swim a bit. As simplistic as it sounds, variation in sentence length can do wonders for the flow of a story.

Two things worked really well for me in the first bit, the way he couldn’t remember anyone in the photos in which he never appeared (intriguing and nicely done) and the way his Dad handed him the condom. The meal with parents was a little less successful. I realise you intentionally made it awkward and mundane, but I still have to read it so if you could make it a little more interesting that would help. Just by making him mention something unusual that happens at orientation, or if Dad is more specific about what he might get up to when he’s out with new friends. I think you can manage the same effect with slightly more unexpected specifics.

I’d suggest you be wary of not overdoing the descriptions. As the writer you are already invested in the scenario, so detailed painting of the environment is vivid and meaningful. As a reader, going into great detail before you’ve fully engaged me in the situation can make my mind wander. A little more concise and a focus on things happening rather than on their appearance makes it easier to draw the reader in.

I’d say his arrival at college was clearly drawn and realistic, but not particularly interesting. He signed in, met people, moved in etc. and all that is certainly what happens, but I didn’t feel any need to know the details, no matter how well written.

I think every day life on campus needs to be more interesting or more concise. And the dream sequences could do with more going on too. I realise you’re building up to events of a more dramatic nature (I assume) but the writer’s view of what’s engaging when he knows what’s coming , is different to the reader’s view who doesn’t. The casual pacing and lack of narrative drive in the first few chapters will prevent people getting to the later more interesting ones.

The meeting with Diana didn’t quite work for me. Coming across her stuck in the mud was fine (a little contrived maybe) but the falling over and laughing and talking about favourite music was all a bit flat. Very description heavy again, rather than action oriented. Makes for a passive, static read. Two students liking My Bloody Valentine is not a million to one chance.

I like him as a character but I felt the pace is a little too slow and the emphasis on the establishing elements overwhelms the actual doing elements. The dreams could do with some extra side to them to hook the reader. And his encounter with school could, I suggest, be less laid back and observational. It’s tricky with a character who is on the outside, but he doesn’t control what life throws at him, you do, and I think you’re being way too easy on him. Showing a guy who doesn’t like to socialise by having him on his own in his room is not as effective as showing him in a room full of people having to deal with what he doesn’t like. You can still make it clear he wants to be a million miles away without actually letting get a million miles away. The difference is one is flat and passive, and the other is tense and interesting (for the reader).

I’m not a big fan of first person but you handle it very well. That said, I really enjoyed reading the first few chapters. Good narration technique and the dialogue moves the story along with a realistic voice. Your POV is set and that helps the reader to see action.
I’m backing it and wish you good luck in placing your work.
Dan

'I always try to be terse when it comes to talking about school' hehe I like that line. I love the awkwardness with him and his parents- his mum chasing a pea round her plate. You have captured this gulf between teenager and parents really nicely.

If I am completely honest, the first paragraph didn't particularly grab me. Contrarily, the second one REALLY did. I wondered what it would be like if the story started, 'Dinner that night was awkward...' Would maybe be strange, but kind of cool and the first paragraph could come later. Anyway, just my thoughts!

I like your style. I also like the names Celia and Celene :-)

It's for the books like "The Hypnonaut" that I adore the English language! Your book is so rich in vivid thought-through imagery that I'm compelled to read more!
The book has been on my watchlist for a while, and I'm really happy to have got to it! :)

The best of luck to you with "The Hypnonaut", Michael!

Ivan
The Beholder

I love how this has so many conversations, and how they all sound so familiar. The part where he's talking to his dad about going to a dance with Diana made me laugh (although he should have called, not texted...but this is typical of a man, of course haha). The content is great and this is something I'd buy at the store. Awesome job with this!

This is really well written - it pulls the reader right into the storyline and doesn't let up. Love the main character and the dialogue is spot on! You serve up a fantastic thriller here and since this is a book Id buy - Im shelving it for a while.

Skater

Michael,

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first thing that jumps here is the style. Is a moment by moment perception where every moment is a dangling act promising the next to have the same urgency....

..... and that you deliver.

The use of italics to highlight the mind's eye also works

The jewel of the narrative however is the psychological map of your central character. The ebbs and flows as he goes about reconciling the awkwardness with the curiosity, the wishes with the pauses....

......and he does his grace shows.

There is also the lyrical tone of your narrative. This are the beginnings of a style that is careful on the observation, contemplative, parsimonious, all the characteristics of the lyrical style, that in American literature starts with Faulkner, all the way to Styron, Updike and Irving

Some of my favorites:

"like a fiddler's crab....."

"She forced a smile...."
That entire paragraphs works nicely..

The fading evening...."
that entire phrase works except the word fading (i.e. the description already evokes ...fading)

"what scared me the most...."
wonderfully introspective....

"thanks Dad.... uhh..."
The use of vocal sounds makes the description (I wonder sometimes) unnecessary...the uhhh...says it all

"The pines flutter by"

"thick with pine and juniper"

"My promise didn't include getting shit faced as a pre-requisite

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

"tried to be terse" "desperately searching" "I wandered"
I would cut a bit on the emotional labeling
Why?
Because when the writer labels an emotion, the reader reads ...the label
when he describes...the reader feels

for ex: "Her eyebrows bunched up in concern"
instead: "Her eyebrows bunched"
(we already know that it means concern...why label it then?
why not let the image of a woman concerned pop into the reader's mind's instead?)

"dramatically posing" "warm familiarity" "gorgeous girls" "long rust colored (3 in a row!)" "anachronistic hisses" "indulgent second empire"
I would also cut a bit on the modifiers
why?
because as Updike said: "the modern reader can fill in the blanks"

for ex: " she was gorgeous and spiritedly: her hair cut in a short, black bob...."
don't you think the description you make already says to the reader....she's gorgeous?

Let me know if that helps,

Overall, wonderful

david

I thought at the very first that you could be over-writing a little, enjoying words and clever phrasing, and writing to impress rather than writing your story, but that impression soon faded as I delved deeper. The tension of a new life mixed with the mundane details of the old, and then the dream sequences - very well done.
Nicely polished, - I came across just one error which is scarcely worth worrying about replacing a chapter for, (Ch 1, 'payed' instead of 'paid,') but you should fix it in your master copy.
Backed as soon as I have a space, Marj.

This sounds just my kind of thing! on my WL-Comment to follow. Claire-Curious Cooper and the Screaming Skulls

You are totally fantastic, Michael! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have ****** 'd your book :) - could you please ****** my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

I have read your first chapter and thoroughly enjoyed your style.
if you have the time, please take a look at my Freddie, Bill and irving.

best wishes

Paul

More, more and more please. It has piqued and captured my interest. Can't wait for the next chapters.
M/M

I can see this progressing well. I've had it waiting on my WL for some time and I backed it, so apologies about the delay in sending these comments. There's a lot of promising stuff here and it will grab the attention of the target group. Occasionally you have a clumsy and unnecessary descriptor, e.g. groggily stumbled from bed. also beware of over explaining. When the question came about the cuteness of the girl rather than the quicksand, have your MC raise an eyebrow or something, rather than tell the readers that he was mystified by the locus of interest. The dialogue should speak for itself. Minor points but hope you just tweak as your press on with the next chapters. Well done, backed
Lara
Good for Him

You show remarkable talent and I can see you enjoy writing immensely. A wonderful book that deserves to be promoted. I am happy to back you. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.
I backed Fossil Farm recently.

I really liked this! You introduce a great variety of characters and they all feel well developed. I like that you took something completely different and brought it to us. It's a little unique and I always love that. You've got an awesome narrative voice, using first person is great because it's nice to see what your main character sees. I think your book would be something I'd pick up at the store, not like anything else out there, thank god. Great job on this!

Missy

Think some of your little detailed perspectives are brilliant!
I also like how you capture the tension in the scene of the night before. Great character in Slick and I’m intrigued in the role Celia or even Celene is going to play. Great storyline developing. – Good luck!

Amusing narrative and excellent dialogue between Hemit and his parents (loved 'carefully mascara'd crow's feet) leading up to an atmospheric and peculiar dream. So glad you didn't start the chapter with it, too hackneyed.
you have the ability to write of contrasting moods in quick succession but smoothly, taking the reader by surprise. backed. lynn

you are a wonderful writer! I love your voice in this piece and your pitch, which is a rarety for me, actually caught me right away and you held me right through chapter one. I will be back for more! Backed with pleasure.

Brittany
My Last Notes

Hi Michael
I think you have the level and tone of language just right here for the YA genre and many of them will be able to relate to the plot as well. The first person narrative is nicely engaging as well. You've created a strong character in Hermit as well who is easily likeable.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Iliked your pitch so I BACKED YOUR BOOK - perhaps you could have a look at my books - goodluck !

You have an incredible knack for description, great character development and dialogue. That, combined with a good premise and plot, make this a very enjoyable read. You have an excellent hook at the end of your first chapter, which had me clicking away to see what happens next. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Hi Michael, I liked the tone of this right away - it's ebullient and the description of Hermit on his drive to school chooses imagery that captures his mood - "asphalt cat basking in the sun...." There's the hint of the synopsis in his coming onto the dance floor and the worry when he reaches the dorm or people all knowing each other. It's the writing itself that gives such an apt and in my case, nostalgic, sense of this experience. Easily shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

This novel is sheer brilliance from its title, to its synopsis to the writing itself. Michael you have a gift at story telling. I have backed this on the strength of your pitch and promise to return with further comments once I have read. I love thrillers, romance and anything to do with secrets.
Backed with utmost pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

This is shaping up to be a great read! Your voice is clear and assured, and 1st person POV is just right for this story. I've paused at the end of Ch 1 to put you on my shelf, but will be straight back for more.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Mike: wishing you the best on this website. But remember the caveat: you can only get out of it what you put into it. My thoughts are this: that long pitch works better if you drop the last sentence; it should be expanded a bit to show more of a story arch. The short pitch works. BACKED!

I can use your comments on my novel when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

You are totally fantastic!

backed for sure
THE THIED EYE

Backed with pleasure
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Michael,

You have a great, emotion-packed style that I really enjoy. I've read the first two chapters and it's a great story so far. I'll be back and you'll be going in my watch list.

Have a fantastic day!

- Scott

Michael, I am a fan - You have given life to these characters. I care about them. Hermit is a likable kid, obviously very careing. He has come across someone who he is attracted to pysically, but who obviously needs him for his compassionate nature. Maybe she is pysically attracted too. Maybe he can help her through some obvious misery in her life. They need each other. Hope it has a happy ending. But we'll have to wait and see, I guess. Good job. m/m

Michael, I am a fan - You have given life to these characters. I care about them. Hermit is a likable kid, obviously very careing. He has come across someone who he is attracted to pysically, but who obviously needs him for his compassionate nature. Maybe she is pysically attracted too. Maybe he can help her through some obvious misery in her life. They need each other. Hope it has a happy ending. But we'll have to wait and see, I guess. Good job. m/m

Dear Micahel
Wow, what a read this is turning out to be. I have not read it all yet,but will carry on. I just had to stop and comment at this stage at your ability to create such a storyline and characters that will not let my mind rest. Well paced and compelling
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I do hope you will review my book, comment and most of all BACK it. but either way the BEST of luck with yours
Denise
The Letter

Dear Michael, Well, here I am backing your 2nd book. :) I'd advise Hermit not to ever tell anyone any of his dreams - it would go much easier for him. :) Great read!! :) Nice crisp paragraphs & dialogue. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. Hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :)

THE HYPNONAUT
This is a good story. You have a good main character in Hermit. A reader can feel his stress level rising at the thought of beginning college – and wants to follow him onto campus to see how all of this plays out. Your writing style is engaging: fresh and clear and easy to read. I’m adding it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 8th place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

I do like your use of the first person narrative voice. This allows you to fully explore Hermit"s feelings, thoughts and emmotions: and you do it well, by the way. I like your use of foreshadowing when you introduce the reader to Diana. Your realistic dialogue helps to keep the pace of your story flowing nicely. Your compelling storyline and descriptive writing both help to ensure that your thriller will appeal to the YA audience. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Hello Michael, I have read chapter 1 and that is enought to get it on my bookshelf, I will read the rest and try and say something meaningful. Nothing grates, nothing is too obvious, it all works - so far. Thank you.

Chapter 1. the beginning of this is very nicvely done with the family dinner, the awkwardness and then the photos. Dialogue is crisp and the deciption neat. Your Mc's 'voice' is convincing and the first person point of view works.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown