Book Jacket

 

rank 1080
word count 96577
date submitted 30.07.2010
date updated 21.08.2012
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction
classification: moderate
complete

The Brickweavers

J.F. Williams

The Thujwani have mastered the forces of magnetism and gravity but discord arises among their elite as they take the first steps toward empire.

 

Thujwa is a desert city, built from clay and mud, surrounded by walls, secretive, thirsty, and desirous of wealth. But it is also a place of cool breezes, improbably tall towers, plentiful water, bountiful farmland, and vehicles that traverse great distances in a few hundred heartbeats. That’s because the Thujwani long ago discovered the secrets of brickweaving: the laying of bricks in special patterns that manipulate the forces of magnetism and gravity. They have used this knowledge to gouge a world of comfort out of the desert, and to enslave others.

Jeppo is a brickweaver but a social pariah who is called to a rare journey outside the city walls. Joining him will be his new apprentice, a hapless youth named Kulkulla who had washed out in the other guilds. What they find on their trek will only be the first of many discoveries, including the secret of Thujwa's founding, the origins of brickweaving, the nature of the mud-clothed people who speak in a clicking language, and, ultimately, the part they'll play in a centuries-old struggle against injustice.

(Complete at 96,000 words).

 
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tags

24 55 n 17 46 e, adventure, africa, ancient, ancient history, apprentice, birds, bricks, clicking language, desert, dune, garamantes, gravity, guild, ...

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85 comments

 

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Jim Heter wrote 597 days ago

J.F., I have now read your story to the end. Thanks for posting all of it. Aside from a smattering of minor typographical errors, I can find no faults. The Brickweavers' world is unique, richly imagined, believable in every detail. In addition to being a well-told story, it offers mild allegorical critiques of our own social. political, economic and religious life, to say nothing of the parallels of technological mastery and dependence. There are even hints of something deeper (It is all a lie. There is no such thing.). Richly entertaining and thought-provoking as well. Very nicely done. Jim

James David Audlin wrote 892 days ago

To get straight to the point - I have read many dozens of novels on Authonomy, and this is one of the very best. I am deeply impressed by J. F. Williams's storytelling, narrative sweep, imaginative power, and wonderful characterization. Sure, there are some minor errors of English usage, but those can be cleaned up. Any good writer can fix mistakes, but no one can take a terrible story and make it a good one - this is a great story. Bravo!

--James David Audlin
"Rats Live on no Evil Star", etc.

Eric Laing wrote 956 days ago

This is captivating writing with an imaginative narrative that is as well-crafted as the mythical civilization it reveals. Oftentimes stories with grand or alien settings too readily fall into a pit of absurdity or become so convoluted that the reader becomes lost in a slapdash of disjointed imagery. Not so here. You've created not just a setting in Thujwa, but almost a character. So real and alive in its deft construction, this strange place emerged in my mind like it was being conjured by you from the sands.

I really appreciated the attention given to the customs...the grabbing of the wrist and especially the careful word choice employed in polite conversation. Almost a metaphor for the author's diligence with this superb work, I should think.

Much enjoyed and easily backed.

KW wrote 1016 days ago

I love the foundation (sorry the pun) of this, a society that has developed a special technology through a secret pattern of laying bricks. Reminds me a little of the theories about the Pre-Incan cultures and their manipulation of a secret fluid that could cut large blocks of stone. Yeah, a seemingly paradise-like society (a utopia of sorts) surrounded by a harsh environment. Of course, with this amazing capability comes many dark sides: slavery, corruption, and overall injustice. "Another brick in wall . . ." "He need only understand." ". . . the wall of bricks shuddered three times, and he was awake." I'm sure the number of times has some significance. "Judicious? I do not know this word." Develops an intriguing sense of social separation here. Simply, you develop this story much like a masterful brickweaver. I'm glad that you uploaded the complete text so that I can come back and read more once I get a little more time. Backed for now.

trainspotter wrote 1019 days ago

I was pulled in by your book cover and title which stand out from the crowd. I love the way you have drawn this civilisation; it feels authentic and I want to know more about why they are so careful and wary. The introduction to Jeppo and Kulkulla is masterfully done, leading the reader towards this inevitable disastrous meeting. Mostly, I just love your writing: 'a staircase clung to the exterior... punching through...' All so evocative and beautiful. This is the type of book I could imagine re-reading and getting something different from it each time.
Backed with pleasure.

One tiny thing - Is 'sheepishly', the right adverb to use for the housekeeper? It was the only thing that jumped out at me.

The Big Al wrote 175 days ago

I truly enjoyed the read. Great stuff

Al

Tod Schneider wrote 217 days ago

This is outstanding writing! Eloquent, smooth and finely polished. Your descriptions are so rich and deep, the setting so visible. You've built a culture, and a world, that rings true. And on top of all that, you've got an intriguing story going. I am very impressed! Six stars! I'd shelf you if I had a spot.
Best of luck with this.
And if you'd like to take a peek at the Lost Wink, please do.
Cheers,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

elmo2 wrote 485 days ago

i like this, read the first four chapters,which is my usual, finely crafted, an interesting mix of trades, professions, and priests, existing in what first seems like a well balanced hierarchy and society, reflected in the both practical and seeming mysterious craft of brick weaving, but as i read i sensed something amiss in the introduced kingdom, Thujwa,something akin to the darkness in the valley created by the city's towers, this is an inventive piece, i think it wisely delves into the plot and does not use a prologue to introduce this interesting world, it is better here that the reader discovers, i will rate this high

David J Baron wrote 499 days ago

Hi J.F

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Wanttobeawriter wrote 510 days ago

THE BRICKWEAVERS
This story takes place in an interesting fantasy world. It’s obvious you’ve put a lot of thought into creating this world because of the way you’re able to describe small details both about the world and about your characters. Makes this imaginary world feel real. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Nathy Mc bee wrote 511 days ago

Hey J F

I have read the opening few chapters, the idea definitely wins hands down on originality. Haven't read anything like it before. Thujwa kind of reminds me a little bit of the desert land that the Sand people from Star Wars live in. I'm not sure if this was how you saw in your mind or not? How did you come up with the concept of the brick weavers?was just one vivid idea or a series of ideas that came together?

I am only at the beginning at the moment so I will reserve all major comments about character development and plot line until I have progressed further through the story. But so far I think the dialogue works very well you seem to have the old school speech mastered and the scene description is also quite detailed.

it is nice to read something a bit different from the mainstream and I look forward to finding out where the story goes.

Cheers

Nath

Yerwun wrote 556 days ago

Really enjoyed this so far. I should probably expand on that, but suffice it to say: backed :-)

Jim Heter wrote 597 days ago

J.F., I have now read your story to the end. Thanks for posting all of it. Aside from a smattering of minor typographical errors, I can find no faults. The Brickweavers' world is unique, richly imagined, believable in every detail. In addition to being a well-told story, it offers mild allegorical critiques of our own social. political, economic and religious life, to say nothing of the parallels of technological mastery and dependence. There are even hints of something deeper (It is all a lie. There is no such thing.). Richly entertaining and thought-provoking as well. Very nicely done. Jim

richard thurston wrote 597 days ago

you scratch my back and Ill scratch yours- feline solidarity


ciao

rt

Gamer_2k4 wrote 601 days ago

You captured my interest immediately from your story's pitch, and I think this is the first time that I wanted to read a story for the sake of reading it, rather than just as a way to accumulate attention and support for my own story. I've made it through the first three chapters, and here are my thoughts on each.

Chapter 1:
I like that right away, you imply the supernatural properties of the brick steps. In fact, everything about this chapter suggests a very unorthodox system of magic in place. What detail is given is enough to make me want to read on.

Chapter 2:
You do an excellent job in this chapter of painting a concise yet detailed picture of the world you've created. The characters feel like actual people (I liked the part about the "sacred" and "sturdy" epithets), and again, you hint at just enough for things to make sense while leaving enough unknowns to keep things interesting.

Chapter 3:
Names! This chapter was a bit confusing to me, as I'm notoriously bad at keeping track of unfamiliar names. Still, this chapter provided a nice look into the political and social structure of the city. Also, it feels like you've really gotten into the heads of your characters, thinking them through and understanding why they're acting the way they do. It's a level of detail not many authors bother with.

I know I said this in my intro, but the concept of brickweaver is very appealing to me. The way you describe it and its applications is wonderful, especially when you're describing the Kulla tower. The comparison between brick patterns and dialects is brilliant. The very idea of a language woven in stone is just tremendous. I know I'm gushing, but there's a reason why I pressed you to exchange reads. The notion of Brickweaving, of blending the mystical with the common, simply fascinates me, and the culture you've built around it does the same.

I'll leave this review where it is for now, but I assure you I'll be back for more. If you can fulfill the promises made in your pitch in just 96,000 words, I have no doubt that it will be a tightly plotted, tightly written adventure through the intricate world you've created. I'm backing this without hesitation, and I'm sure it will remain on my bookshelf for some time.

Dirty Bertie wrote 693 days ago

Wholeheartidly agree with many of the comments below. Excellent work.
Thank you

Jim Heter wrote 793 days ago

J.F., I read what you posted of Brickweavers and decided it's not on enough bookshelves so I made room for it on mine. If you've truly been away from writing for 25 years then you have a gift. The atmosphere created with your many subtle touches is at once unique and believable. The brickweaving technology is also just believable enough to draw the reader forward, wondering what new details will be revealed. Good luck with it. Jim

Cat091971 wrote 834 days ago

Imaginative and well written. Backed and rated.

Cat
Twisted
Lies & Love

Patty wrote 843 days ago

written confidently with a fresh theme.
The style is efficient and polished.
My only suggestion would be to give the reader more grounding on where in the world we are from the very first sentence. In absence of that grounding, with most readers' ignorance of what constitutes an African name, this could well be set on some made-up world. That's OK, of course, but if you want African, make it African from the word go.

Pia wrote 843 days ago

J F -

Brickweavers - Came back to read chapter one, I like the mysterey, the foreshadowing and find it easy to suspend my wanting to know what this black pool is about. I know from reading other chapteres that all unfolds beautifully. There are two things that leave a question mark with this new entry - the mention of transport, it hangs in the air as it were. I know about the transport from earlier readings, but here the mention needs to either expanded upon it or be left out. And the last sentence, I expected anon to be Amog, because he is the one addressed. You may mean 'tomorrow', but since the reader is not yet familiar with the language code it seems not the best word to end this short chapter with. Last, there is a question I ponder over myself at the moment, should the end of a story tie in with its beginning theme. I don't know your ending, but I wondered if a mirroring is planned. Will be back, Pia

eurodan49 wrote 855 days ago

Hi. I browsed through, that’s all the time I had. Sci-Fi is not my usual read but I enjoyed it enough to back it. If you would like a specific chapter critiqued, tell me which one and I’ll do my best.
Your comments and backing of my book will be appreciated.
Dan

Bradley Wind wrote 865 days ago

The Brickweavers

from the BH group.

COVER: Good...well, good for use on Authonomy. If you were to be going POD, I'd suggest trying something that looked less self-made. The font could be altered to set it apart from other self-made. After reading this I think the cover does not express enough of the wonder/magic/world you've so deftly created.
TITLE: Works in conjunction with your pitches...good.
SHORT PITCH: Heh, I looked at your genres and see HF listed and then reread your short pitch and want to know why I never read of these masters of magnetism (beyond Magneto that is) but other than that incongruity I think the SP works well for a fantasy/scifi genre
LONG PITCH: At first I read it as the walls were secretive/thirsty/etc might consider placing the walls bit at the end of that sentence? I'm thinking you could use a one sentence summery of some sort and incorporate it with the last paragraph because that's the bit that hooks me...not so much the first. When I read words like hierophant in blurbs I start to get nervous this is going to be one of those books where the author is so enamored of a certain vernacular...Dune comes to mind...but yes, the rest of that last paragraph is solid and I think you could do away with most of the first to sell this.
TEXT:Some may not be bothered by dream openers but each time I've encountered them here I start to question what the rest of the text will have...is this a first book in need of time away from it so that when the author goes back they'll see what needs tightening/excising ...etc. Not that the opening of the book is BAD.
The dialog reads appropriate to the genre.
Yikes...this first chapter is LONG. Needs to be cut into several shorter chapters...or just cut back...
I have to say, you spend so much time developing the city and although I found it beautiful/evocative at parts...I wanted more of something to REALLY PULL ME IN. ..its a bit slow as is. I think you could seriously cut back some of this...find a greater precision and it'd really sing.
As talented as I think you are...I wouldn't read this as is.
Best of luck to you though.
-=Bradley

Good for Her wrote 871 days ago

This is my sort of book, different, researched with convincing characters. On my WL and starred.
Rosalind A FEAST OF TALES and
GOOD FOR HIM on the Avatar, Lara

Betsy wrote 873 days ago

If you find this critique rubbish, please disregard it. I'm no expert - just a reader. I found the story evocative and atmospheric. I think this story could become a 'must read' tome.

PLOT: Brickweaving. And the struggle for injustice. The first chapter is largely devoted to the physical description of the city, and the mystical powers that are a result of brickweaving. I feel the chapter needs a stronger hook: Human tension

And there’s plenty. Between the elite; between the Thujwani and the people of the farm town; the paranoia of the Thujwani towards their servants; the disrespect of the servants to their masters; the Thujwani’s plans to further subjugate the smaller cities by means of obscene, bloody violence in order that they can become more prosperous.

?? When Kulkulla knocks loudly on Jeppo’s door, I couldn’t understand why Matanya didn’t ask Lavena to answer it.

I feel the story needs more careful weaving. For human elements to take precedence over the technics of the Thujwani. In other words, let people, their emotions and their conflicts, take centre stage, and let the city, which is amazing due to the advanced and mystical knowledge and technology of the Thujwani, serve the story. (Sorry if I’m sounding arrogant. You’ve got a great story here. But I think it needs pepping up.) I like the parallel with the real world a lot: a powerful, arrogant people subjugating weaker peoples, seeing them as a resource, as having no intrinsic rights.

Pacing: A little slow.

Characterization: Good. Jeppo comes across as conservative, considerate, and restrained. His sick wife is pleasant, but she’s leading a painful, half-life due to illness. Kulkulla is klutzy, not-too-bright, and impulsive.

Point of View/Voice: The Point of View is always clear. Voice is formal. It is consistent with a society, which places great emphasis on status and protocol.

Sentence level: The opening sentence is evocative. It drew me in. Mostly, the language is formal and descriptive with a ‘past days’ flavour. Occasionally the sentences are convoluted.
Nitpicks: Jeppo’s progress on the staircase:
Sentence: This next story must have been nearly at the top of the tower.
This is the first sentence in the paragraph, and it seems to float – is it in the narrator, or Jeppo’s head?
Suggestion: Jeppo guessed this next story must … and later in the para, replace Jeppo with ‘he’.

Missed word: para begins: Kulkulla had been walking… Missed ‘who’ in last sentence.
Last section chapter one: description needs tightening.
More could be made of Kulkulla’s fall. It seems almost an afterthought, and is given less significance than the architecture of Jeppo’s house. A reader’s primary interest will be with the characters in a story.

CHAPTER TWO. Kulkulla’s cheek should be flushed, rather than blushed.
4th paragraph. ‘surgeon’ used in consecutive sentences. Perhaps the second could be replaced with a ‘one’.
At times descriptions are repeated. e.g., it is stated there are many different races and tribes to be found in the farm town. In the next paragraph you state that Jeppo is unaccustomed to seeing such a medley of faces. The text would be tighter if these two descriptions were combined, as they are basically referring to the same thing.
The para. Where Vomcat speaks to Kulkulla is quite convoluted.

Dialogue: Is formal. It is consistent with such an ordered society.

Style: Descriptive and restrained. Quite atmospheric.

Originality: The fantasy elements are original. I am also unaware of a story that comes from the P.O.V. of a member of the dominant group, who are the oppressors and aggressors. From the descriptions, I had a mental picture of the African desert cities I’ve seen on T.V. I especially like the parallel with the real world. And the rationale the powerful give for oppressing people in a weaker position.

Publish: I believe, with some work, this story is very publishable. It is evocative, atmospheric, and it makes a strong statement about the real world. The best of luck with this. And I do hope that I haven't caused offence. It is certainly not my intention.

Joanna Stephen-Ward wrote 880 days ago

Eye catching cover. Visual prose. You have created a plausible and interesting world. The dream about the bricks is a good forerunner.

Sorry, but I can't find anything to be brutal about!

The only thing I can critize, is that your sentences are sometimes too long.
EG There was a jug of water near his bed and he grabbed it.
He grabbed the jug of water near his bed, would make the sentence crisper.
No sandals or boots cover his feet . . .
His feet were wrapped in bleached woolen cloth as was the fashion. No need to mention sandals or boots.

Everything else works very well. The descritions of the place and the people are vivid but not overdone. The names are original enough to be exotic, but not bizarre.

On my WL.

Very best wishes with this. Joanna.

James David Audlin wrote 892 days ago

To get straight to the point - I have read many dozens of novels on Authonomy, and this is one of the very best. I am deeply impressed by J. F. Williams's storytelling, narrative sweep, imaginative power, and wonderful characterization. Sure, there are some minor errors of English usage, but those can be cleaned up. Any good writer can fix mistakes, but no one can take a terrible story and make it a good one - this is a great story. Bravo!

--James David Audlin
"Rats Live on no Evil Star", etc.

James David Audlin wrote 895 days ago

I will continue reading, but allow me to make some minor notes after reading chapter one. In your first chapter, you want more than anywhere else to have a clean manuscript, so an editor will want to keep reading and not toss it aside. Besides the quality of the novel as a novel (which I will discuss after I've read through), this is well-written and -edited. As a result, the few grammatical errors stand out - the failure to use a possessive plural apostrophe in such constructions as "farmers' town", the misuse of "due to" (which is NOT a phrase; if you can say "because of" instead, you should!), and one failure to use the subjunctive tense after "if" ("If he tried to enter the workshop and Jeppo WERE not there..."), "the gift of PROPHECY" (not "prophesy", which is a verb), "almost AT the price of his life" (not "for"), and "a bricklayer's battered thumb" (not "bricklayers' ").

--James David Audlin
"Rats Live on no Evil Star", etc.

Francene Stanley wrote 897 days ago

I like the premise of the story and you do a good job with setting up the story and the characters.

A few nits to use or lose:

Always give action first, followed by reaction. For example - Swallow water, cool throat. It can't be the other way around.

There are too many words ending in 'ly'. You could put it another way - she walked slowly (she dragged her legs) But, almost always, you can remove the word completely without losing anything.

In the midmorning scene, I lost any feeling of pov. If it's Laverna, state it at the beginning. Would she refer to herself as a dark-tanned woman? Maybe she would compare her skin colour to her employers and give the benefits.
This scene could be omniscient pov because you start off with Laverna's thoughts, then Jeppo's (which could be handled with a scene break) then all over the place. It would feel more comfortable to know only one person''s thoughts in each scene.

I'm sorry housekeep" he continued. (Missing letter, comma and quotes.)

By working over these points throughout, you would present much better writing for your excellent story, which I'll back.

Francene. Still Rock Water.

Butler's Girl wrote 898 days ago

The Brickweavers JF Williams

Someone told me about keeping "active voice" and don't quote me but I think your first sentence could be used as an example... "That night the bricks had appeared to Jeppo..." sounds better as... "That night the bricks appeared to Jeppo."
I know it seems just a little thing but removing the HAD makes the sentence tidier/punchier.
Feel free to ignore me.
Loved the writing, plot , everything.
Best,
Alison Butler

Kaimaparamban wrote 907 days ago

Wonderful imaginations, excellent sotryline and narration. In my w/l

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire


Jake Rowan wrote 920 days ago

It took me awhile to get into the stylised and archaic sounding narrative voice, and I do think some sentences need tidying up, but wow! this is an ambitious book. You are creating from scratch a new world with it's own laws of magic and alchemy. I read this on a recommendation for intelligent sci fi, though I wouldn't categorise it as that, it is high fantasy (my least favourite genre) I was blown away by the ideas but more importantly the light., deft touches in characterisation. Your ability to paint a picture is commendable, and I can see the great brick towers rising from the desert. Love the detail, like teenagers sleep in late and his hapless apprentice. As you have gathered I am not a reader of fantasy, so I am unable to comment on structure, originality etc - one thing that did strike me as a bit of a cliche, was the poorer farm people were darker skinned than the brickweavers and priests - (white rich, black poor) - personally I would avoid this well used distinction. I am going to shelve this, but due to wanting to give book at least a week, it will be in a few days. Jake

plip wrote 920 days ago

Very nice premise, the whole rigid society and it's formality; the desert towers amongst the farm-dwellers, with what seems a mutual dependence of the two populations on each other, is well constructed.
Where I can offer some constructive criticism is in the details of your writing, rather than the subject.
You say things in a long-winded way which does give a flavour of the languages, and of the cadence of the lives of these people, but this also slows things for the reader. Several others have commented in detail on this.
In a couple of places you change tense for no good reason, so a sentence or phrase in present tense appears in the middle of the general past tense of the narrative.
In Ch 1 you have 'as different as his name becomes etc.'- this should be 'as his name became' to conform with the past tense of the rest of this paragraph.
Similarly in Ch 2 you have -'though the youth's brown robe and purple sash were rumpled and sandy there are no marks etc.' again, this should all be in the same, past, tense.
Apparently, the most important thing to attract a possible publisher is the Story, and this you have. Well done.
phil

Tari wrote 925 days ago

Highly visual and imaginative. It read so so smoothly.

The characters of Jeppo and Mantanya along with Lavena, Kulkulla and the priest are well-rounded and capture the attention.

You have the gift of making this fantasy city natural and inviting to the reader. So experlty written.
I love the descriptive passages that give grounding and strength to the characters and story line, such as the clay pts, the kilns, towers and workshops.

I shall be back for more.

I wish you every success with this and have it on my WL and given a high star rating.

Best wishes,
Katy.
Phobic Dawn.

JM Miller wrote 925 days ago

My disclaimer – I try to be honest but not brutal, as I see no benefit in that. I’m well aware of how tied we all are, ego-wise, to our work, and how difficult it can be for an author to deal with the most well-meaning of critiques.

You jumped right into the action, introducing your character and his situation. It’s a good start. I liked the premise of the story as well, that people could manipulate brickwork, bending it to their will.

Jeppo’s character was believable and sympathetic. As a reader, I found him likable, someone I could care about.

I’ll admit I found the narrative confusing, rather hard to follow. At the moment, it’s written in omniscient. I think that forcing it into third person limited might be helpful. Interspersed with Jeppo’s journey is some of Matanya’s background and perspective, a bit of Lavena, and a few others. Having this reorganized to make it more linear, and following Jeppo rather than jumping around between the characters would help me stay focused and drawn in.

When Jeppo arrives at his destination, the story changes from past to present tense when it talks of demons. It should all be in past. Also, when I’m reading fantasy, I tend to interpret the narrative literally. All I know of the world is what the author tells me. If he mentions demons, I think there are real demons there.

One thing I noticed was that there are many long sentences, and very few short ones. There’s also a lot of passive wording. I’d suggest varying sentence structure and making it more active. There’s a great book called ‘Style: Towards Clarity and Grace’ by Joseph Williams. I’ve read it several times, and although it’s not an easy book to absorb, I’ve found it very valuable.

I love fantasy, but I believe it comes with additional challenges. The reader can take nothing for granted. Clarity is critical. It’s difficult to introduce the rules, the setting, and the situation in a way that’s clear and complete, but doesn’t bog down.

In this case, the fact that Jeppo’s been sent on a quest almost gets lost in his worries for his wife, in the information about Lavena’s life, and his assistant’s problems.

As a reader, I know Jeppo’s supposed to go, but I don’t understand the implications. What’s at stake? Which of his problems is most pressing? Which is most serious? Which of them defines the plot of the book? I think I’d find this story more compelling if I understood those things better.

I hope this helps.

SubtleKnife wrote 927 days ago

Here's my brutally honest review of your story. Please remember, it's just the view of one person, and I see from previous comments that most readers have enjoyed enjoyed it. If you don't want to leave this review in your comments section, do let me know. If you want me to I can e-mail my comments to you later.

Opening paragraph onwards – watch out for overuse of ‘had’.

Para. 3 – ‘ as well as the great wall beyond them. Try ‘or the great wall beyond them.’
No need to describe the lightening sky and then say it must be dawn. You’ve already said it’s too early for him to receive visitors and described the crystal lights dimming. So, this could be described as overwritten.

Liked the conversation between Jeppo and Amog. You describe him as ‘old’ several times. One is enough. Watch out for repetition.

Adverbs: in one short paragraph, you have: ‘suddenly’, ‘quickly, ‘smoothly’, ‘gracefully’

‘soft, bony fingers’ Surely one or the other.

‘cooling’ used twice in same paragraph.

In the paragraph beginning, ‘Jeppo closed the door.’ ‘immediately’, ‘carefully’, ‘slowly’, ‘slowly’, ‘strongly’ – I’m guessing by now you’re getting my points about over-writing and repetition, and overuse of adverbs.


In the second section where you introduce Matanya. ‘She is not here yet,’ came the unexpected response from another room, in her husband’s voice.’ Why so convoluted? Why not keep it simple, for example. ‘She is not here yet, said her husband from the next room.’

‘...,’ slurping it noisily as if to emphasize the finality of his declaration.’

OK – what’s happening here for me as a reader is that I can’t get into the story because of the over-writing. I did read the whole of Chapter One, which is quite long, and found myself hesitating again and again as I came across many more examples like those I’ve pointed out above.

Not only is there a lot of repetition, I became confused by people moving from one location to another, with no actual sense of their various journeys between the farm lands, the tall and the not-so-tall towers.

I think you need to organise the narrative more carefully, and it would help if you used Jeppo’s initial description of the city to explain more clearly how it is laid out and the theory behind brick-weaving, rather than drop little nuggets of information into the text from time to time. I know a lot of reviewers will say that’s too much back-story, and they want you to get on with the action, but in such an unusual and complex world as this one, it is necessary for the reader to be comfortable within the environment before he/she is able to concentrate on the characters and the plot.

Now the good stuff: You’ve conjured up a remarkable and believable world, and I like the characters and the main story line a lot. The idea of brick-weaving is brilliant. I would love to see the story again, once you’ve edited and polished the narrative to smooth out these bumps. Cheers! -Liz (Meggie Blackthorn)

Thetinman wrote 950 days ago

JF, you have a solid story here. Imagination is excellent, and I think your plot will carry the story very well. You’ve also done some editing work to clean it all up, which is very appreciated, s many people tend to download their work in a hurry.
I’ve checked a number of chapters and can find nothing to pick on except this one issue, which is more about the style of writing. Your account reads a bit like a narrative, as if I’m reading a newspaper account of what’s happening. This doesn’t occur all the time, but it does show up, something like, “This happens, and then this happens, and then this happens...” etc. Try varying those areas with something that doesn’t start with the subject matter, such as, “The wind rustled the bare branches, reminding the MC she had forgotten her sweater at home...” Once you go into dialogue, it’s great though.
That’s about all I can add!
Already backed
Paul
www.pauldaytonscifi.com
Pandora’s Sister

Eric Laing wrote 956 days ago

This is captivating writing with an imaginative narrative that is as well-crafted as the mythical civilization it reveals. Oftentimes stories with grand or alien settings too readily fall into a pit of absurdity or become so convoluted that the reader becomes lost in a slapdash of disjointed imagery. Not so here. You've created not just a setting in Thujwa, but almost a character. So real and alive in its deft construction, this strange place emerged in my mind like it was being conjured by you from the sands.

I really appreciated the attention given to the customs...the grabbing of the wrist and especially the careful word choice employed in polite conversation. Almost a metaphor for the author's diligence with this superb work, I should think.

Much enjoyed and easily backed.

Elijah Enyereibe Iwuji wrote 959 days ago

Dear JF,

Wow! Your tale is really another excellent, gripping and a well developed and crafted historical fiction, layered with entertaining esoteric background. Again, you've actually woven a very mysterious ancient story, very engaging, alluring and breathtaking. It has a smooth flowing detailed description, and the scenery plots provided a very dynamic atmosphere suitable for your narration and dialogue. Thujwani, Thujwun, Kullkulla and Jeppo's characters held the story strong with a well developed and exotic but simple dialogue. I tell uou the truth, you're a talented writer, there's no doubt. Your choice of words are also very excellent. Backed now. Please, check out my book if you have the chance. Wish you the best of goodluck.

Elijah E. Yamslaw (Victims of African Wealth)

mariahj24 wrote 961 days ago

I like the way your book begins. Even the first sentence makes the reader want to find out more. Your writing has a certain flare that one does not see so often anymore. Best of luck with this project. Backed with pleasure. Mariah

Caroline Hartman wrote 970 days ago

Dear JW,
You've woven quite a mysterious story here, a story of an unique society that uses word patterns as manners, strange technology, odd social mores. At times, I found myself asking is this some society I missed. Is there some little village in Africa or India that follows these patterns. Your creativity, your style, your character development are first rate. Years and years ago there was a movie titled 'Logan's Run'. This reminds me of that movie.
Caroline
Summer Rose

Stephen Lucek wrote 971 days ago

You paint a beautiful picture of a culture and technology so very alien from our own, and yet it seems so consistent and believable. This is no mean feat of imagination. The power and patterns of brickwork is very beautiful, I liked the repetitive nature of your description of it, almost like a chant weaving through the work.

It sounds a somewhat implausible task for Kulkulla to build a tower of stones to try and gain entry to the workshop, especially in the desert heat, and the deliberations of the guild leaders seems quite naive – trade between cities is no different than internal trade. But all very minor compared to such an original imagination.

Best of luck,
Stephen Lucek

Wilma1 wrote 974 days ago

I’ve had this on my W/L for some time and was looking forward to reading it. I was not disappointed. You bring a mix of discovery and history and lay it out as a tale that we all find compelling to read. It has a charm all of its very own and stands out from the others in a similar genre. You have obviously put a lot of work into research and it pays off for you. You have an extremely strong writer voice and I shall be amazed if this is not picked up by a publisher. Very best of luck with it.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you enjoy it

Eunice Attwood wrote 974 days ago

I think books that are made up as you go along, are often the best books to read. They come from a truly inspired mind, coming from the heart and intuitive faculties, rather than the intellect. You have created something highly original and fascinating. Backed with great delight. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Duncan Watt wrote 974 days ago

Hi JF ...

This is a powerful and evocative novel with good solid characters and strong dialogue. The plot appears to be developing and flows well. I love the way you have developed this ancient civilization, but do think that it is a little overwritten. I had the same problem with my own book and cut by some 25% to find a better story underneath. There are those who think that overwriting does not matter, but agents and publishers see things differently, unfortunately and overwriting tends to slow the flow. With this in mind I have picked a few examples from your first chapter.

'There was a jug of water near the bed and he grabbed it as soon as he was roused'. We already know he is awake so the 'roused' bit is unnecessary. I would rewrite this: A jug of water stood by the bed and he grabbed it'.

Similarly when he opens the door to the priest Amog: 'He had the aura of a begger', is all that is needed. Once again we know Jeppo has opened the door to him so we do not need telling.

An ellipsis is: 'word ... word', with a space before and after. At the end of dialogue it is: 'word ...' with a space before only. I aplogise for my pickiness. 'Backed'. Regards ... Duncan.

CarolinaAl wrote 983 days ago

A well-woven, brilliantly detailed tale. Clearly delineated characters. Rich descriptions. Effective dialogue. Great tension. Gripping storyline. Awesome world building. Eloquent writing. An enchanting read. Backed.

Lynne Ellison wrote 983 days ago

A very interesting and original setting, and some good insights into environmental porblems and the plight of tribal peoples.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Sly80 wrote 987 days ago

The strangeness of Thujwa feels less strange, seen so clearly through Jeppo's eyes, and the wordplay formalities between him and Amog are a delight any wordsmith will enjoy. Water measures the distance in the desert, and brick-weaving is a technology that seems like magic to the reader, but not to Jeppo, even when archaic, 'the sound of his own name ... spoken by a foreigner'.

The tower of the hierophant is remarkable, as is the personage himself, but even the simple things are worth their weight in words, 'the need to relate the entire history of a pomegranate before selling you one'. Meanwhile, poor Kulkulla ... but soon to be treated by Vomcot, 'in the invisible cloak of authority...' And maybe the healer can help Matanya too. Brilliant notion of an obscure disease only being so because it is far away from its remedy.

The scale and consistency of imagination here is truly impressive: world building with an underlying logic which allows for the most amazing of contraptions. Added to the technology is a culture, or a group of subcultures, governed by the guilds, structured by class, and smoothed by a courtesy of well chosen words and the occasional gesture. This is an exploration rather than a fast read. It analyses how a people and their peculiar science make and keep a place in the world, for better and for worse, and it does so largely through the adventures of one flawed but honourable man, Jeppo ... backed.

Possible nits: The first chapter seems rather long.

Pia wrote 990 days ago

And I am well caught in the story by the second chapter. Will read on.

Pia

Pia wrote 990 days ago

J.F. -

The Brickweavers - 'The sands have a rhythm,' Atos had written, 'and the wind has an agenda, and where they meet is a pattern that tells of all things.' In Tujwa they lay bricks in special patterns that manipultate gravity. Jeppo is in his trade for love, not for status. Yet subtle policies are at work, to make other cities bow to the secret knowledge of a powerful weapon. Building blocks, how we use them, to what end? An enchanting, lyrical story of relevancy for today, woven with care.

Backed with pleasure, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

chuckylivesinme wrote 992 days ago

This is an engaging read. You draw a full authentic world, with complex characters that move your story along at a great pace. I found some of the dialogue a little off, not that it doesnt make sense but I would read it out aloud and you will see that its not quite right in places.

This shows real promise and should do well - Backed

maxie wrote 996 days ago

Hi,

Unique piece of writing, the world your characters inhabit is well crafted, their social hiarachy is well developed and I thoroughly enjoyed the storyline. This is well written, smooth and fun to read...Backed with pleasure.

Good luck,
Cerys (Bradan)

M. A. McRae. wrote 1002 days ago

An unhurried pace, with thorough descriptions of a well thought out world. Believable characters, and good writing with only occasional slight awkwardnesses. eg Ch 1, 'and walked, pensively, into the kitchen.' Not incorrect, just not quite smooth. I noticed no errors or typos. For easier reading, the longer paragraphs might be better cut down a bit. Backed, Marj.

Kevin Alex Baker wrote 1003 days ago

JF,

I love a complex, yet intriguing piece of fiction, and this is exactly what I was looking for! This is bursting with ideas, and I know it's still a WIP, but I'm really curious to see where you take this!

Nice work! Backed! Looking forward to your thoughts on Head Games!

Kevin Alex Baker
Head Games

beegirl wrote 1003 days ago

What an amazing world you have created here. This is just a marvelous piece of work. I do think you need to work on the dialogue. Sometimes it felt modern--soemtimes ancient. But other than that--I felt the world was rather complete.
Barbara

Barry Wenlock wrote 1005 days ago

Hi J.F. A finely crafted piece of work. Original, well-written and a good blend of different genres.
backed with real pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

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