The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat

Really wonderful. I have just finished chapter 8, so have a ways to go, but wanted to comment. The storytelling is the kind that you want read to you out loud around a warm fire. The imagery is strong. I loved the fact Maeve hit her shin on a trunk beneath her parents bed when she ran to her father's bedside: awesome touch. Now, I would like Maeve's father's beard to smell of much more than just wood, considering he's a fisherman and smoked a pipe. I want a description that really connects me to him with his Scottish heritage, and perhaps intrigues me with a touch of what's to come. I know you are that kind of writer with descriptions like "pale sheets" of hair, and in Avery's chapters, "He could see guilt and grief overwhelming her spirit like a tsunami." Therefore, my only comment would be to really push those descriptions to take advantage of every opportunity you have set up for yourself. Great work! Can't wait to read more.

This is a stunning book. Really, it's like two fabulous books rolled into one. I'm only about halfway in (chapter 14) and I'm still reading on to discover how Lila ties in with Demoui and Avery (I have my theories). But, it amazes me how you jump from Lila and Maeve's story which reads like the finest piece of literary fiction, to a rich, complex fantasy world. The Maeve chapters are beautiful, lyrical, and explores the intricacies of the mother/daughter relationship. The circumstances surrounding her father's death have skewed the nature of the relationship and changed Lila irreparably. But, Maeve soldiers on and is the perfect, attentive daughter.

Avery has also lost someone close to him, but has no time to grieve. As King, he must shoulder the responsibilities of the kingdom and undertake a monumental quest. I love Arcanzia and the world you've created. Tree sprites, Faeries, and two seemingly kinds folks I'm beginning to distrust. Myrtle and William seem average in every way, but I have a feeling they're more than they seem. The story of Cyril and Roselyn is wonderfully romantic, and they seem to have the ideal little family. Demouri's nasty surprise makes her the ultimate monster.

This is a captivating read, deserving of a six-star rating in my opinion. I'll be back to finish the rest.

After reading the first chapter, the first word that came into my mind was "WOW!!!"

I love the imagery, and the mystery of the story makes me what to keep reading, which is exactly what I am going to do. Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us.

A great read and gladly backed.

~Evie

Carrie -

The Darkwood Tales; Demouri's Defeat - Such a sensitive and touching scene, Maeve's father dying and her grief being confounded by her mother's inexplicable change. Maeve treasures the memory of her voice ... ma wee bairn ... A wonderful sense of mystery entices to read on. Young king Avery inherits three stones, three spheres, and the witch Demouri appears and snaps away one of the spheres - so the adventure begins and the narratives slowly weaves toghether. I had read initially 4 chapters and returned to re-fresh an earlier comment. You have worked on this since. The writing is strong. You keep the reader on the hook. I caught up with gold-rating the story and returned it to my WL to be lifted to my shelf soon. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

I just finished the seventh chapter. This story is so adorable--it distinctly reminds me of something you'd read by a cozy fire--like Peter Pan, Secret Garden, etc. It just brings back the simple magic of fairytale writing, and I love it. One of the best things about it is its innocence. Thanks for a endearing story! Backed.

--Shieldmaiden

Carrie, Its not just the family relationship between mum and daughter that makes this book. Its the nice pace that it canters along at that I liked. Not normally my genre, but so glad I read it. I love this and can see it doing so well. Good luck.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

I loved this fantasy. Didn't get to read chapter 25 because it wouldn't load but other than that it was a very good read. I saw just a few misspelled words and I guess I should have pointed those out on the pages as I read but I'm still new at this site and learning how to do things..lol

You write so well, with particular insight into the world of the elderly! This is beautifully written. Your descriptions are careful and sensitive. Good luck with this!
If kids lit appeals to you, I'd greatly appreciate you taking a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

The Darkwood Tales;Demouri's Defeat, is a great title.
This is an amazing story, with wonderful and almost magical characters.
I particularly loved the beginning, how the reader is taken into the story. It's almost a fairy tale - full of adventure, complete with princes and castles, and witches.
And it's written clearly and descriptively, and with great imagination.
This is fantasy at it's best!
Junetee(Four Corners)

Hello,

I also write young adult fantasy so I was keen to look at your book. I read the first three chapters of your story and enjoyed the opening chapter. You set the scene well and create a sense of mystery and enchantment. The mother is an enigma, so is the father’s death and the presents from an unknown giver. You sustain the rather archaic tone which is difficult. Nicely written, perhaps an overuse of adjectives, but who am I to criticise, I love them too. One point I’d make is in the description of the father. I know you don’t mean it that way but to wear your heart on your sleeve is usually used in a disparaging sense.

Chapter 2

‘The fragrance could be detected…
‘The folk residing in the village located just below the palace…
These verbs strike me as a bit technical, real estate language not poetic like the rest of the description.

‘His head was adorned by his father’s once same ebony black hair.’ You might want to rework that sentence.

At this point I began to wonder what age range you were aiming at with this story. It starts with Maeve’s story, which includes a lot of mystery elements, and reads in a way that would appeal to older readers. The next two chapters are much more classic fairy story, the jovial king, the handsome, intelligent prince, the beautiful, good princess, the wicked old witch, and seem to be aimed at younger children. There is a lot of description, but not much showing of the emotions. Chapter four reverts to a more adult style when it picks Maeve’s story up again. Chapter five and I felt the story got a bit simpler again with the witch walking into the castle, stealing the red orb and getting out of a window without meeting a soul. It was maybe a bit too easy!

This is only my personal feeling, but I think it would work better if the fairytale kingdom wasn’t quite so fairytale. If you described Avery’s emotions as his father died, for example, or the old king’s feelings to be leaving his family and his kingdom. I think I’d have made it a bit more of a challenge for Demouri to get hold of the orb. Why didn’t Avery lock the precious treasures away rather than hiding them in pretty juvenile sorts of hiding places?

Maybe I’m thinking too much in terms of an older teen readership, in which case don’t take any notice of this! I’ll have to read more to get a better idea of the story and where it’s going.
Best of luck with this.
Jane

Hi Carrie

I've only read the first chapter, as it was so well told that finding chapter 2 was about someone completely different I didn't want to continue! My notes:

The very first sentence is good, but possibly just ever so slightly too long. Perhaps '...her tightly held mug.' would suffice, as the steam suggests something like tea; but the fact that it IS tea, is redundant.

The third sentence, 'The color faded...' doesn't make sence to me. Those three words suggest something happening right now, but I think you're saying the colour HAS faded. I don't think that's necessary as you've said that already in the previous line; but if you still think it is, then I'd make sentence 3 a run on from 2, just with a comma.

'Eve(n) her eyes...'

'certainly days when I wish to flee from here' - why 'certainly'? I don't think it is necessary, and borders on not making sense. You could also cut out 'when' and make it more snappy, but maybe it shouldn't be snappy at this point.

'...veins does no good to sustain me...' doesn't make sense. 'does not sustain me; would surely suffice?

The first line of the 3rd paragraph could do with rewording to be more impactful. First, 'not more than to her knee' is slightly awkward, so perhaps just 'no higher than her knee'. Second, 'that she had spied my father...' does not convey what it should. We don't know where this sentence is going until the end, and because it reveals the intention of the sentence itself there, the impact of what is actually said is lessened. So simply saying '...her knee, of the day she had first spied my father....' would work better, because we'll immediately know she's referring to the first time she ever saw him.

You can afford to cut out some words like 'that'. For example, '...and smelled of the woods () he would traverse.' Again with this sentence you can afford to make it abit snappier if you wanted, with '...and smelled of the wood he traversed.'

I'm not sure 'When I was just turned thirteen' makes sense.

'...to say that every day...'

If you're going to have a whole paragraph about a bruise, then the part where he/she hits his/her shin on the trunk shouldn't be in brackets - that's like an aside, and doesn't make sense to then address it in the main narrative.

I'm not sure the switching back and forth between 'Da' and 'father' works. I can't help but read 'Da' in a Scottish accent, whereas 'father' has no accent. So it kind of reads as though it's switching between two different styles. Perhaps sticking with 'my father' mostly, and then only referring to him as 'Da' now and then when it's most appropriate.

'she held from me(,) and maybe from my (f)ather as well.'

As I said, it is very well told, and for the most part well written. An edit would fix most of the issues and bring the writing itself up to match the quality of the storytelling. I will back it. Good luck with it :)

I'd appreciate it if you have a chance to have a read of, and comment on, my own book, too. Thanks :)

Really wonderful. I have just finished chapter 8, so have a ways to go, but wanted to comment. The storytelling is the kind that you want read to you out loud around a warm fire. The imagery is strong. I loved the fact Maeve hit her shin on a trunk beneath her parents bed when she ran to her father's bedside: awesome touch. Now, I would like Maeve's father's beard to smell of much more than just wood, considering he's a fisherman and smoked a pipe. I want a description that really connects me to him with his Scottish heritage, and perhaps intrigues me with a touch of what's to come. I know you are that kind of writer with descriptions like "pale sheets" of hair, and in Avery's chapters, "He could see guilt and grief overwhelming her spirit like a tsunami." Therefore, my only comment would be to really push those descriptions to take advantage of every opportunity you have set up for yourself. Great work! Can't wait to read more.

This is long overdue for recognition. Stunning and beautifully written. You are a very talentd writer that easily bring the reader into the story to experience the adventure through fresh eyes!
I'm rooting for you! :)
Best wishes and warm regards,
Laura A. Diaz
"They Call Me Blanca"

Beautiful lyrical prose, Carrie. I love the story. I wish you the best with it.
David Schild

The Darkwood Tales
Fiction

This is exquisite.
Sorry to be brief and that I've swayed from my usual format. But what can I say? It is a remarkable piece.
Raechel
Echo

This is a stunning book. Really, it's like two fabulous books rolled into one. I'm only about halfway in (chapter 14) and I'm still reading on to discover how Lila ties in with Demoui and Avery (I have my theories). But, it amazes me how you jump from Lila and Maeve's story which reads like the finest piece of literary fiction, to a rich, complex fantasy world. The Maeve chapters are beautiful, lyrical, and explores the intricacies of the mother/daughter relationship. The circumstances surrounding her father's death have skewed the nature of the relationship and changed Lila irreparably. But, Maeve soldiers on and is the perfect, attentive daughter.

Avery has also lost someone close to him, but has no time to grieve. As King, he must shoulder the responsibilities of the kingdom and undertake a monumental quest. I love Arcanzia and the world you've created. Tree sprites, Faeries, and two seemingly kinds folks I'm beginning to distrust. Myrtle and William seem average in every way, but I have a feeling they're more than they seem. The story of Cyril and Roselyn is wonderfully romantic, and they seem to have the ideal little family. Demouri's nasty surprise makes her the ultimate monster.

This is a captivating read, deserving of a six-star rating in my opinion. I'll be back to finish the rest.

After reading the first chapter, the first word that came into my mind was "WOW!!!"

I love the imagery, and the mystery of the story makes me what to keep reading, which is exactly what I am going to do. Thank you for sharing this wonderful story with us.

A great read and gladly backed.

~Evie

Carrie - I love the story,even as it opens, and will be reading it all shortly - however - looking at the first paragraph, word rearrangement could bring a sheen to your work - minor adjustments could be made here and there to bring out the power of the story and the images -

Making a few comments as I read this morning -

In the 1st Chapter:
1st Paragraph -
The first sentence may be more powerful if you start with the phrase :
Through steam rising out of a mug of black tea, I stare at my mother's face. [if she is weak - she is
barely holding the mug] Crestfallen and pale, her face is no longer .....

"Ever her eyes" - do you mean Even her eyes? (You may consider dropping that phrase and simply start with "Her eyes, once .... "
Also in that sentence - a comma is need after river -

In this 1st paragraph, I really like your diction - with the descriptive words "cascades" "sheets" "moss along the ....river" this woman is at once tied to the water realms of the earth - and the earthy mystery surrounding her is increased ~

Also in this 1st paragraph, you have at once introduced multiple conflicts - you have a daughter looking at her aged mother and noting how weak she has become and you have the mother - battling something - the reader(well I do anyway) identifies with the daughter's love for her mother and also with the warrior quailty of the mother herself - I wonder what has she seen - I think it is because of this plot development and the word choice you are using - I am hooked and am even now putting on water for some tea - chamomile - not black - and will be enjoying the rest of this story this morning -

Hi Carrie,

Totally different style! The cadence is unmistakable - we have a winner here. You write with the confidence of a much-published author and that's what the reviewer will notice first. I can see it racing to the ED and wish it will be published soon, because it will be an even better read on paperback.

For my part I have starred it and backed it.

All the best.

Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Carrie,

You writing is wonderful and instantly drew me in. I have only read the first couple of chapters at the moment but I will definitely return, both for the writing and to see how the death of her father fits into the story as it progresses. I will most likely then add it to my shelf but for now at least I have given it all the stars it deserves.

Best wishes and good luck!

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's defeat

Carrie,

You have written a good old fashion fairytale. Readers of all ages will love this. Sprinkled with stars

Hi Carrie, nicely crafted tale. Nice pacing. I'm not a critic, just a scriptwriter who appreciates a good structured journey. :-)

blessings,
jim

Hi Carrie, firstly, thank you for placing LONDON on your shelf. I had the chance to just read your synopsis, loved it! Fast paced, exciting, wanted more. Will place your work on my watchlist, and be able to read it this weekend.

Sincerely,
Jim

Very captivating writing. I can see the improvement in style and the growth in your writing. I am backing you and hope to see this at the top soon.

Love the pitch - will be reading this soon ~

Written with vigour ; the passion runs through the words, like blood. More comments to come

This is truly magical writing. I love the the prologue written in Maeve's first person; it sets us up beautifully to be transported to the otherworld to follow. And the idea of the forbidden Darkwood Forest - where a person's soul may become lost should they dare to enter - it's wonderful, intoxicating imagery!

Backed with pleasure and with a showering of stars!

Robin

What I admired most about The Darkwood Tales is the smooth, elegant writing, formal and old-timey enough to give us that mediaval sense of place yet remaining accessible to the young reader.

On top of that there are a lot of strong, romantic images to captivate the reader.And some great turns of phase 'His hair now salt and peppered with time.'

Adventure abounds too, the story really kicking into gear for me in chapters 5 and 6 when Demouri steals the orbs and Avery and Cyril mount up to go get them back.

The story is so imaginative and the herous and villains so well portrayed that I'm sure it would be a hit with the YA audience.

I can only wish you continued success with this.

Ross

Carrie, May I add that this would make a good young adult or even older children's book too (widening your market). It deals sensitively with deep and wide ranging emotions in an accessible manner which is just distant enough for young people to feel unthreatened, but interested.

Mgt

Carrie,

Demouri's Tale is a highly entertaining, swiftly told tale and full of imagination and originality. (That comes from someone not that enamoured of fantasy.) You have no wasted scenes (rare) and everything you write serves to push the plot onwards, which makes it very strong indeed and sucks the reader in. From that angle you have a very successful book here.

You can, though, do more to polish it. My first impression was that this was very polished writing indeed, with an excellent style - and the style I still agree with. After a few paragraphs I began to notice two things which you might look at, commas and prepositions. Your use of prepositions is ever so slightly not English, e.g. 'numb to the idea' instead of numb with or by the idea. Would your usage be from Spanish, perhaps? In some cases it does give a slight boost to the dream-like touch in the Arcanzia scenes especially (I have read only a few chapters) but in others the wrong preposition would be just enough to be clunky and draw the reader out of the story for an instant - or longer. Not what you want to do.

- Notice that last sentence of mine. It has no verb, although you understand the 'it is' at the beginning. I used it for emphasis. You have quite a number of sentences like that, some used correctly and successfully for emphasis but others which should be ordinary clauses linked to the sentence either before or after. Linked with that habit, you also occasionally use semi-colons instead of commas. A semi-colon is best used where you have two parts in a sentence, each with a meaning which connects with the other and each with a full verb; in effect it is two sentences brought into closer scrutiny for the reader's attention.

Commas trouble many people. For the moment, if in doubt miss them out. Use them where you want to erradicate ambiguity. (Many publishers like copy to be as 'clean' as possible - but not all, so check before you send out a manuscript..) An example you wrote is, ' Living with him, was his son.' Turn it round to 'His son was living with him.' There is no comma in the second so why put one in the first, a perfectly good sentence without the comma? You introduced an unnecessary pause between the verb and its subject.

Occasionally you place words in an unusual order in a sentence, another thing which makes me wonder if your first language might be other than English. e.g. (Ch5?) When talking about the woman suspected of bullying children... 'you were not even exempt' would be more natural as 'not even you were exempt'. Again It is not wrong, just not quite right, different enough to make a reader pause and think of the words instead of the emotion, which again is not what you want to risk.

One last point, may I suggest that when you introduce the mythical country you open with 'The Kingdom of Arcanzia' rather than the name alone. That would make it doubly clear to the reader that this is not a country on the map. (There is no river in Scotland which splits it in two from north to south. A canal does, partly man made. Maybe you could stick with one which splits it in two and leave it at that. - That's the purist in my Scottish soul speaking!)

These seem hugely critical, but they are really minor and manageable. Your editor's persona should always be looking over your shoulder, especially in the final drafts. You have your story on paper, the real triumph, and it seems a great one. It is worth the final polish. Good luck with it. I am starring it well.

Margaret Woodward : The Devil's Bairn

Hi Carrie,

You write in such a beautiful way, so absorbing and I love your descriptions. I felt like I could really connect with Maeve and I found the description of her dad's death so moving. I'm really impressed with this, and I will be backing in a few days :)

Silva

Carrie,
What a bittersweet chapter to start this novel.. I feel for you MC as she loses her father, but hope for something magical to happen with her mother. This is definitly a book which stands out from the rest!
Rebbekka Messenger
Not Broken

Stampman Group review:
I thought I had looked at this before, and noted that the language was overly flowery for my taste. If it was so, then you have improved the writing enormously. Your writing here is very good indeed, and it is suitably categorised as 'literary fiction.' The description of Maeve's father's illness in the first chapter is exceptionally well done.
A minor thing, easily corrected: I had to refer back to the pitch to see that Maeve is writing the story of Avery's kingdom, from notes she pieces together from Lila. Otherwise, it is like two unrelated stories going on. You might need to add a sentence of explanation, as I doubt I am alone in sometimes missing things.
Typos: hardly any, to be put in a separate message.
Summary: very good, and to be backed, Marj.

LF40 Review

Great cover.

The first chapter of this book is beautifully handled in its descriptions and feelings between the daughter and the parents and it was a pleasure, and even an experience, to read. I would imagine the writer of this to have experienced true loss to write like this. The introduction of the mother’s notes towards the end of the first chapter beguiled me to want to read on though I was already hooked by the voice and the reaction in me to what I read.

From chapter 2 the dual narrative begins and the story shifts, in my opinion, maybe too long a way from the voice and style of the first chapter. Chapter 2 was a very rich piece of description. I can see this as a lovely chapter for a child of the right age. Definitely. But I did feel to myself, where was the kind of thing or any connection from the first chapter that had so engaged me? I think it would be maybe a better idea to hold some connection between the stories by having some indication that a story is being read by the girl from her mother’s notes at the start of chapter 2. Something about her maybe finding a quiet place and settling into the hidden notes she had found. After that a simple device like maybe a star in the middle of the page would serve to separate the narratives.

After Chapter 2 I felt a little unable to assess the work as it moved more into fairy tale realms. I could imagine it being read out aloud and enthralling a child of the appropriate age, but I can't comment too specifically. I do wonder though (from the amount I read which may not be enough to say) if perhaps there are two stories at play here that don't meld completely. I can easily see a child's fairy story being taken out of the book and sitting on its own. Perhaps the author has made this structure to compose a trilogy of stories. But maybe just aiming it squarely as a single fairy story for children would work better and be more marketable, and it could still be told as a sequence of stories in separate books, or one very enjoyable, full children’s book.

I found myself gasping a little to be returned to the original voice of the book and was happy to see it again in Chapter 4. But, perhaps because I had been struggling to engage with the fairy story, it seemed by then a touch diluted from its original strength, but that may have been a completely personal reaction as the intervening chapters had altered my focus. Chapters 5, 6 and 7 returned to the fairy story and take the work to around 10,000 words.


I think from the writing in Chapter 1 which I found captivating this writer has the innate skill to write Literary Fiction. (But I cannot see the book overall from what I read as falling into this category. I am sure that the writer would sensibly market it as a Children's/Fantasy genre book to agents and publishers.) The chapters that told the fairy story were harder for me to comment on. But I can see that they could work at the appropriate age level.


I can see how this work has reached up into the rankings here quite easily and I wish the author every success. I am sure she has gauged reactions from younger audiences and would not be surprised if they uniformly say ‘More please!’


John
- The Lunatic Sings -

LF40 – Review of Chapter 1

It is written in the lyrical language of an old fashioned fairy tale. It is quite haunting and elegiac. The death of the father is gripping and poignant and there is use of some striking imagery.

Having gone into the dark with his death, so to speak, the ensuing child’s memories of a happy smiling mother seemed a little strange. Maybe it would be better to have the happy reminiscences before the death, thus emphasising the change in the mother, then showing the cause and then snapping straight back into the present day. ?

Minor points:

Could do with a comma after “once a vibrant red,” and “along the banks of the river,”

“does no good to sustain me” reads strangely to my hear. A simpler “does not sustain me” “does not by itself sustain me” might be clearer.

Should be “last year’s blooms”.

There were some other examples of absent punctuation which would benefit from that sort of an edit.

Might be better to say “the door (was) flung open” as technically the door can’t fling itself open.

Hope this is useful detail.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Dear Carrie!

Maeve is such a beautiful name for a main character!!!
The first chapter is so sad I can’t help feeling for Maeve and her mother. I just couldn’t read about Maeve caring for her dad. This is so sincere and painful.

The end of the chapter invites us to read more, which I surely will, as I’m totally enthralled by your manner of writing.

Star rated copiously and with pleasure.

Ivan
The Beholder

Carrie,

Some time ago, you backed my book Crane's Way; The Darkwood Tales: Demouri's Defeat has been on my watchlist since then. I'm so pleased to finally have a chance to read some of it. This is a beautifully written, old-fashioned fairy tale in a clever and intriguing frame. What at first seems like a happy but ordinary family seems to be something else at the end of chapter 1, and the reader is as eager for a solution to the mystery as Maeve is. Your descriptions are detailed and lovely without being overdone or obtrusive. The bruise in the shape of her father's face is a lovely, original image. The scene of the very young Maeve caring for her dying father and then preparing his body was very touching. Her voice in chapter 1 is confident and forthright; the reader is inclined to trust her, even as she admits that what follows might be hard to believe. The concluding sentence of chapter 1 is stunning.

I noted the following edits for correction:

Ch 1
Ever her eyes . . . I think you mean "Even her eyes . . ."

Ivory colored material It isn't necessary to capitalize ivory

Ch 2
it's beauty You want "its beauty"

A couple of hyphenated words have a stray space in them: country- side; mid- evening

Ch 3
The King become feverish . . . You want ". . . had become . . ."

jus a peasant woman. You want "just"

King Gregor speaks for several paragraphs at a time. It is standard in such a case to begin each paragraph with a quotation mark, with one close quote when the character stops speaking.

suns rays should be sun's rays.

Lovely work! Good luck with it!

Karen Eisenbrey
CRANE'S WAY
TIME SQUARED

The first chapter is strong, moving and heartfelt. The narrative is rich and complex. The pain of Maeve's father's death and her bitterness and confusion over her mother's abrupt change in manner is really powerfully written. It was, however, also rather exhausting to read and I wondered whether some of the details about her father's death could be worked in later- although I admit I don't have the best concentration so feel free to ignore that if nobody else mentions it! It's just I would perhaps have liked to ease into the story and build up more of a connection with Maeve before seeing her past laid bare.

Maeve's mother is incredibly fascinating- especially her mysterious origins. One thought, the line 'A mortal life' stood out for me as a bit odd/needing more explanation somehow. You have certainly created some deep and captivating characters.

Oh, incidentally, how do you pronounce 'Maeve'? It looks really pretty written down and I wondered how to say it!

Two last things:
Maybe consider putting a line break or two in your pitch so it is not just one big block of text.
If Maeve is now 17, I wondered if she was a bit old for a story for children? Perfect for YA and this reads brilliantly for readers 11 or 12 and upwards but I'm not sure about any younger than that. Of course, I may well be wrong but thought I'd throw that in there!

All the best with this
Karen

Carrie -

The Darkwood Tales; Demouri's Defeat - Such a sensitive and touching scene, Maeve's father dying and her grief being confounded by her mother's inexplicable change. Maeve treasures the memory of her voice ... ma wee bairn ... A wonderful sense of mystery entices to read on. Young king Avery inherits three stones, three spheres, and the witch Demouri appears and snaps away one of the spheres - so the adventure begins and the narratives slowly weaves toghether. I had read initially 4 chapters and returned to re-fresh an earlier comment. You have worked on this since. The writing is strong. You keep the reader on the hook. I caught up with gold-rating the story and returned it to my WL to be lifted to my shelf soon. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Carrie,
Your prose is deliciously detailed. It swept me away to another world. Enchanting. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

THE DARKWOOD TALES: DEMOURI'S DEFEAT

Dear Carrie,
Oh yes, I will read this.
The pitch is enticing. It seems like a story that has everything I'd ever want and more.
Five stars for now until I have a cozy time to read this.
Looking forward to it.
A zoomer

The Darkwood tales
By Carrie Lopez.

Hello Carrie,
I have just read chapter one. I liked the voice all the way through this and the pace of it, neither of them faulted. Your descriptions worked well, although I did find near the beginning that they were a little too long in places.
The emotional depth that comes from this is quite deep, especially the love for her Da and then her grief on his passing. I could relate to it very well. This was a beautiful read and if it wasn't so late I would read more.
There was only one small nit pick. You have written - When I was just turned thirteen years of age. Easily fixed though. Good luck with your book.
Lisa.
Grimeon's Pass.
I shall back and rate this.

This is fantastic! I'm sorry that i don't have the time to read more, but i thought i'd let you know that i fully support this book. I hope it makes it to the editors desk. I would LOVE to see it on the bookshelves. I love your names, first and foremost, and i love your writing style.

Best of luck!

-Rachelle
Secrets- Book One: To Save Ella

This is a beautifully written story. As I travelled the journey with your characters I felt I was sharing the events first hand, and my emotional responses were varied and deeply felt. Well done.

Carrie,

you are an excellent storyteller! What a fascinating plot, vast imagination, and beautiful characters. Exceptional piece, you truly make the reader involved and carrying for Maeve and Lila in a masterful way. The bond between the mother and daughter is so real, deep and tender, the way the mother communicates through writing, the character development of both -- a true treat for any book lover!

I will be watching you go right to the top, and am keeping my fingers crossed for your success. Yes, the book needs some editing, but polishing words is not that difficult with a skillful editor on board. What makes a great book is the storytelling. That cannot be learned -- it is a talent that you have got in spades!

You deserve the highest rating, and it is my great pleasure to support your book.

Warmest Wishes,
Johanna Kern
Master and The Green-Eyed Hope

Angus reminded me of Pa, from Little House on the Prairie. The way you told the story of his life and death was intimate, not overly sentimental—but moving. His story is used reveal the character of the compelling protagonist. Amazing chapter.

The intimacy of this family, at this moment, is utterly profound.

The prose is so elegant and simple—and old fashioned. That voice weaves a setting around the scene that creates authenticity.

I have one more thing to say about the ch in your messages.

Great cover! Your pitch pulled me in right away. I've added your book to my watchlist and will read very soon. Good luck.

Tales of the Darwood: Demouri's Defeat - In the first chapter the writing is a joy to read. Wonderful descriptions 'as if a bandit were coming every night while Da slept and would steal a few choice words.' 'New lines formed brackets on either side of her pale mouth'. The the slow death of Maeve's father is sensitively told and anger towards her mother Lila, for seemingly abandoning them both at such a time, simmers. For some reason the voice caught and held in the writing changes. Although it is still lyrical in places it seems, to me, to have become less vibrant, the cadences and rhythms almost watered down. This could be for many reasons, dialogue is introduced and the flow of storytelling so wonderfully executed in the first chapter, has lost its energy or, perhaps the author was undecided whether to write for children or young adults. For me, the luminosity of the first chapter is more than geared for young adult and adult alike, the second chapter towards a younger market.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

An enchanting story that is compelling and takes the reader into a wonderful world of mystery, magic and fantasy. The content is as colourful as the cover and this deserves to be on a shelf in a bookshop.

Backed and has been for a while,

Lisa

13-year-old daughter

Good luck with your book.

JMC
Among Women

Hiya,

Thanks for your request, and sorry it’s taken so long to get to your book. I’ve given some specific comments -mainly on the first couple of chapters - followed by more general ones. Square brackets indicate suggested insertions/deletions.

Chapter 1:
I've gone through some of the sentences in detail looking at structure/word order. I do realise that some of your choices may have been to get a particular flow going in your narrator's voice - I've only focused on clarity, so it's up to you how you'd like to use it.
- 'Crestfallen face' implies that something has just happened to make her 'crestfallen' - but we don't read about a recent event, only those of the past, which may have left her downtrodden but probably not crestfallen.
- 'Her hair, once a vibrant red[,] now cascades as pale sheets down her back.'
- 'The color faded and fine white streaks lay boldly amidst the dull tresses.' As the rest of the sentence is written in present tense, 'lay' should be replaced by the present tense 'lie'. This sentence makes very little sense to me. An easy rewrite would be: 'Its color HAS faded, and fine white streaks lie boldly amidst the dull tresses.'
- 'Now, she has not the strength or the will to do anything with her locks.' You could reword this to 'Now, she has neither the strength nor the will...' However, I am not sure whether this is an issue of grammar or personal preference.
- 'Even her eyes, once as green as thriving moss along the banks of the river[,] have changed...' – Watch comma usage. A somewhat simplistic rule is that they go in pairs - this can help when you are using commas to isolate a particular clause (in this case, 'once as green as thriving moss along the banks of the river'), though it’s not always applicable.
- 'To get me to the other side of my day, I often drift back in time...' - could this be taken too literally? There is magic in this story, so time travel wouldn’t be so unexpected. 'To get me through my day' is more common but it's also clearer.
- 'My mother no longer speaks; not to me[,] as we sit alone for these bland meals[,] nor to our neighbouring folk, have we the chance to pass them on our rare ventures into the city.' The last part of this sentence sounds odd to me. They either have the chance to pass the neighbouring folk, or they don't. Does she mean 'if we chance to pass them'?
- Why would the words be tumbling and crashing at the feet of the narrator's mother, if she were to speak? To me, this doesn't fit with the longing the narrator expresses to hear her mother speak; in fact, it sounds more like any words that her mother spoke would somehow be flawed or 'wrong'. Is this expression used because the narrator is interpreting her mother's feelings, i.e. she infers from the silence that her mother feels words are somehow clumsy?
- Scot's vs. Scots – watch apostrophe use.
- 'A brogue that was thick to even me...' - this would be easier to read worded as 'A brogue that was thick, even to me,...'
- I presume that the semicolon use (e.g. '...lay in bed all the time; unable to wash or dress himself.') is intentional and meant to convey the way in which the narrator speaks? If not, there are considerations regarding comma vs. semicolon use that you should think about.
- I assume you’ve thought about which spelling conventions (cozy vs. cosy, color vs. colour) you’d prefer?

Chapter 2:
- Arcanzia lay near[by] the River Donugare,... - near is sufficient, so why nearby?
- In its heart[,] was the most marvellous castle [ever to have been] constructed. a) no comma needed; b) ‘to have ever been’ isn't quite correct.
- 'Made of shimmering grey stone...' Incomplete sentences (in this case, without a subject) are fine on occasion, but I'm not sure this one works well - I think it sounds awkward.
- 'Atop a few of the towers, were grasses and gardens flourishing,...' - awkward again. The comma is not necessary, and 'were grasses...flourishing' is in the form of a question, not a statement. Again, I don't know how much of this is deliberate, but I'm finding the prose distracting - what would Star Wars be like if everyone spoke like Yoda? Either 'Grasses and gardens were flourishing atop a few of the towers, adding life...' or 'Atop a few of the towers, grasses and gardens were flourishing...' would be fine.
I haven’t commented on commas and unusual word orders beyond this point because it would take too long, and I don't know if they’re intentional.

- Why is it so easy for Avery to leave the palace with just his friend for company?
- Why does Avery mention his position to everyone he meets? Wouldn't he be more cautious about telling everyone he was King? (This relates to my later point regarding explanations/reasoning).
- Watch apostrophes - it's, which is the contraction of 'it is' is different from its, which is the possessive of it. Plurals don't need apostrophes before the s; possessives (with exceptions such as its, hers, his) usually do. Possessives of a plural generally have the apostrophe after the s.

- Ch 8: 'exceeding amount ripe berries' - 'of ripe berries'? and exceeding what?
- Echoes were allowed to roam free - what echoes?
- Ch 11: didn't they look for Avery at all? He is the king!
- What does 'burst forth into salivating' mean? I can guess, but is it an expression you really want to use?
- Ch 13: 'a speed in which a panther navigating deep jungles could not come close to matching' - it sounds good (the 'in' shouldn't be there), but isn't navigating deep jungles a relatively slow process? Isn't that like saying 'a speed which an Olympian with a twisted ankle couldn't come close to matching'? (I exaggerate, but the point is that the comparison seems inappropriate).
- Ch 14: there seems to be a misplaced section (everything following 'Maeve' is repeated elsewhere in the story).
- Ch 16: crows and ravens are different. I imagine all of these birds are ravens.
- They're taking the baby into the forest? I wouldn't have been surprised at either Cyril or Roselyn going, but given that they've already lost Avery there, why would they all go?
- Who has been ruling the country all this time? Apparently not Roselyn. What have been the repercussions of Demouri having the orb? So far all we know is that she is trying to get a grey raven and that Avery got lost trying to find her – hardly the disaster we were expecting. Is there any immediate threat/has the kingdom felt anything, or is there no danger until she is ready to pose it?
- Ch 19: The expression 'ripped at the shoulder by the gauntlet he traversed' makes no sense to me whatsoever.
- The reversal of having Demouri alone and hungry in the forest, and finding the food, was very well done, as was the idea that she was herself in the same position as Avery not so long ago.

General impressions: the plot is in the style of an old-fashioned fairy tale. The story made me want to keep reading, but there were some elements which put me off. There is a conventional, simple style of prose that many fairytales use - it's something readers will often expect in this sort of story, and will often feel comfortable with. You give more detail, more personality and, to an extent, characters we can empathise with - but when you take the writing to a new level of complexity, we also expect more explanations/reasoning. Why didn't Isolde go to Demouri earlier? Why was Avery allowed to get lost in the forest, with Cyril and Roselyn left clueless for so long?

I'm not suggesting you need to stick to a known model, because there's nothing wrong with trying something new. What I'm not sure about is whether this was your intention. Are you deliberately aiming for a more experimental style?

Maeve’s story seems somewhat subordinate to Avery’s. It’s not necessarily a problem, though I imaged from your pitch that her story would be moving along as much as Avery’s – instead, it seems largely to be a frame for the history behind Lila’s world.

Another point relating to some of my comments on the first couple of chapters – sometimes there are expressions which seemed overwritten or out of place to me. Perhaps these are clever or unusual, but I hope you’ve gone through and put some thought into all of the prose. Many children will love the well written and evocative descriptions, but I expect they will notice if some of these seem odd.

You use colourful places, images and people to create an easy-to-follow story, and build up the world behind it. I certainly don’t want to undermine these strengths – many of the comments are just things I’d suggest thinking about if you haven't already. I’m not sure whether the larger scale suggestions would appeal to you, but hope you’ll at least think about proofreading and editing some of the sentences for easier reading. In any case, good luck :)


All the best,
elf_friend

Your pitch prepared me for an interesting read. It's probably been mentioned before but the spelling of 'friends' needs correcting.
The death scenes were very touching. I really liked the idea of the lasting bruise, developing the image of Maeve's father's face - an original idea.
A deep read for young readers and very promising after a final edit!

A+...This is a sweet story that I enjoyed getting emotionally involved in. Happyily backed. I look forward to maybe one day seeing this on a "new release" section in bookstores. Good luck :)

rachael
silver and winter

Needs some editing, mostly for punctuation (you have a few fragments, some inappropriate commas, ect). and it could be trimmed of unecessary words (light trimming; I love the poetry of your descriptions, but be wary of extra adjectives and adverbs that weight a sentence down rather than add to it. I'm mostly talking about words like "just," "very," ect. They have their place, but be sparing). The story is great, your characters wonderful and some of your wording is magic in itself, bringing the scenes to life. The concept is a good one, and at the core your writing style is perfeclty suited to the subject. With not too much work, I think this could become a children's favorite. (And the favorite of a few adults, too.) Good luck.

Hi Carrie, I'm sure I backed this enchanting story a while back, but just in case I didn't, backed now with pleasure.
Lizzie Scott :-)