The House of Pendragon I: The Firebrand

Hi Debra. Just read the opening chapter of The house of Pendragon and loved it. It’s obvious how much work and research has gone into this and I really appreciated that, since this is the type of story I love to read. I’ve left a few thoughts that I hope prove useful. Backed.
Pitch.
I was very impressed by the professionalism of your short and long pitches, the best I’ve seen so far.
Chapter 1
The opening paragraph is tight and focused, evoking the scene straight away. There were no excess words, each sentence doing its job of drawing the reader in.
...my half brother had driven a pike through Britain’s heart. Loved this. The painful emotions the MC’S feeling is summed up by this description, making it easy for the reader to empathise.
Nitpick: He cut me off almost curtly. It bordered on insubordination. (Anyone else)...This didn’t flow well for me, the sentence seems fractured. I kept wanting to read: It bordered on insubordination, would have been from anyone else.
Repetition: When the (tent) stopped spinning, I stood and made my way to the (tent’s) entrance. I don’t think you need the bracketed word, as the reader already knows they’re inside the infirmary tent. Just: When the tent stopped spinning, I stood and made my way to the entrance.
I will meet with you all... my (tent). Again the use of the same word in close proximity. Suggest replacing with: I will meet with you all... my quarters.
...I am having food sent round to my (tent). That word again. Suggest omitting it here and just having: ..I’m having food sent round. After all where else would the food be sent to? That being the case, no need to state it.
Exhausted, I sank onto the log serving as my chair. I threw the folds of my cloak off my shoulders... This whole paragraph is beautifully crafted. The tightness and focus, prevalent throughout this chapter makes this a wonderful read.
My last words tangled in my throat... fantastic alternative to: caught in my throat, or choked in my throat.
The paragraph beginning: By Toutatis... and ending: But that is the truth of war, is excellent. It’s filled with the character’s emotions and at the same time enables the reader to see what she saw.

Just starting with some comments. Your pitch is good, though you need a comma "Robbed of identity, (comma) she clings ...."

I like that you don't tell us that Lin is a female until quite a bit into the story. It shouldn't make a difference, but in the minds of many writers, a female warrior is seen as "less than", so I like the ambivalence. More coming later. It's summer here, so my attention is absorbed by the midnight sun.

Lauri

Debra, I can't add to the comments below. This is a fine piece of literature and it deserves to do well. good luck with it.

Linnie comes across as an enterprising women warrior with children in tow, and pregnant, yet wiling to do battle with the enemies of Pendragon. After a childhood in slavery in one of the most harshest places in the Britain, the Orkney islands, it's amazing she's so determined and confident. But in such a brutal time, even Linnie has to curse her gender, for being weak, but really she's strong.
Great writing because the subjectivity has rancour, sometimes subtle, and then full in the face, so it's hard to seperate the prose from the person or the person from the prose. Linnie being that person, living in those times, eating, sleeping, fighting and then wife and mother.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

For me, I felt there were a lot of people introduced with strange names in the first chapter. I find it difficult to visualise them and keep track of who is who. For a reader that is used to this kind of story, it probably isn't an issue. I settled in during the following chapters.
It was a good way to give background information by telling Bear the stories.
There is a large following for Camelot related stories, so I think it will do well with that readership.
The story is very well written and edited. I didn't spot any typos.
If you want the paragraphs to show up as indented – click the tab key twice before each. It looks odd on the doc, but uploads on here fine.
I couldn't find anything to point out apart from my own short fallings when faced with fantasy type stories.
High starred and I will back it in a few weeks time when I have a spare space. I will also have a look at your second book.
Take care, Jes.x

Oh, how wonderful! I, too, loved the King Arthur legends and the Round Table and Camelot (from the books, though, not the movie) and, now, to find an author who continues that legend in the figure of his daughter, Lin. brilliant!

I'm glad that you started off the first chapters showing Lin as a warrior leader, the "Noble One," returning from battle with her brother, Dafydd, and with Bedwyr, Cai both, Gaheris, and Lancelot. This immediately tied her into the King Arthur legends and reveals that she is the daughter of the Pendragon, King Arthur, himself, and now she is the Pendragon. This provided the structure for the rest of your book and does not leave the reader hanging or trying to find out who Lin really is. This is a perfect way to begin your book, I think.

Chapter two took me a bit by surprise as it jumps to when Ris and Lin are married and have had 3 children with a fourth on the way, Modred is dead as well as Gareth, Ris's brother, but I quickly adapted to the jump in time as the story of "Bear" or Arthur, Lin's son, begins to evolve.

You've established an excellent framework now to begin your story of Lin as a slave and Dafydd, Lin's brother. From here on, your story is told in vivd, sometimes brutal, imagery and your plot proceeds smoothly. Your dialogue is natural and authentic for the period and keeps the reader in mind of the Arthurian legends - a most pleasant mind set.

I've no suggestions for the improvement of your novel as I find it to be as good as the earlier legends. I do think you would be wise to put a glossary at the beginning of your book for those readers who are not so familiar with King Arthur. There are a lot of names and places and a glossary would make a nice resource for a novice reader.

This is a thoroughly enjoyable and believable continuation of the King Arthur legends in a most unlikely character, a female warrior. The mystic and the climate of the earlier Arthurian legends are maintained well throughout your book. Excellent work! High stars and best wishes for publication!
Blessings, Pat
Break Free!

Very capable writing -- rally well put together. The voice and setting ring true. It's always good to see a strong female protagonist (I find the saccharine YA stuff hard to read). The only thing I found to pick on was toward the beginning, you might drop the phrase "like a pall" which seems redundant. Or keep it if you like it. Best of luck with this! And,
If kids lit appeals to you, I'd greatly appreciate you taking a look at my novel, The Lost Wink.
Thanks!
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

The first thing I noticed with the word "compleated" in the first paragraph. I think you mean "completed." I did not have trouble envisioning the battlefield though I was confused throughout the first chapter as to who the speaker was. There were clues to first make me believe the narrator was Arthur, but later on I felt it was not. Other characters lacked descriptions to help me visualize them. I became lost in a faceless void of people tired after a battle. Scene change happens very fast causing me to look back a paragraph to realize I am no longer here but there now. Not much appears to happen that entices me enough to continue reading. The scenes shift very quickly but the plot tends to linger behind waiting to catch up. Characters appear very one-dimensional with fixed emotions and set paths.

I have just backed your book. Will you return the favour and back mine, Penrose - Princess of Penrith?
If you do, many thanks. Best wishes, John

Read your first few chapters, and I must say that I am quickly drawn into the story. I do love female leads that are strong and will do anything to protect what they love. The descriptions and first person pov really add to the stroy, and I can't wait to read more.

Cheers,
Marisa
Tower of Paradise

Hi Debra. Just read the opening chapter of The house of Pendragon and loved it. It’s obvious how much work and research has gone into this and I really appreciated that, since this is the type of story I love to read. I’ve left a few thoughts that I hope prove useful. Backed.
Pitch.
I was very impressed by the professionalism of your short and long pitches, the best I’ve seen so far.
Chapter 1
The opening paragraph is tight and focused, evoking the scene straight away. There were no excess words, each sentence doing its job of drawing the reader in.
...my half brother had driven a pike through Britain’s heart. Loved this. The painful emotions the MC’S feeling is summed up by this description, making it easy for the reader to empathise.
Nitpick: He cut me off almost curtly. It bordered on insubordination. (Anyone else)...This didn’t flow well for me, the sentence seems fractured. I kept wanting to read: It bordered on insubordination, would have been from anyone else.
Repetition: When the (tent) stopped spinning, I stood and made my way to the (tent’s) entrance. I don’t think you need the bracketed word, as the reader already knows they’re inside the infirmary tent. Just: When the tent stopped spinning, I stood and made my way to the entrance.
I will meet with you all... my (tent). Again the use of the same word in close proximity. Suggest replacing with: I will meet with you all... my quarters.
...I am having food sent round to my (tent). That word again. Suggest omitting it here and just having: ..I’m having food sent round. After all where else would the food be sent to? That being the case, no need to state it.
Exhausted, I sank onto the log serving as my chair. I threw the folds of my cloak off my shoulders... This whole paragraph is beautifully crafted. The tightness and focus, prevalent throughout this chapter makes this a wonderful read.
My last words tangled in my throat... fantastic alternative to: caught in my throat, or choked in my throat.
The paragraph beginning: By Toutatis... and ending: But that is the truth of war, is excellent. It’s filled with the character’s emotions and at the same time enables the reader to see what she saw.

Just starting with some comments. Your pitch is good, though you need a comma "Robbed of identity, (comma) she clings ...."

I like that you don't tell us that Lin is a female until quite a bit into the story. It shouldn't make a difference, but in the minds of many writers, a female warrior is seen as "less than", so I like the ambivalence. More coming later. It's summer here, so my attention is absorbed by the midnight sun.

Lauri

Debra, I love the world you've built and the character you've created. I'm going to comment more later, but your chapters are long, so it's going to take me a while. I am truly impressed and wanted you to know that right away.

Lauri

Back me, I will back you! http://www.authonomy.com/books/34058/seven-days/

Not sure why 3 chapters are under Chapter one but i did enjoy the descriptive writing. I have rated well and intend to come back for more.
Red

Not sure why 3 chapters are under Chapter one but i did enjoy the descriptive writing. I have rated well and intend to come back for more.
Red

Hi Debra! Happily placing your book on my WL....will be rebacking soon.

Jim

Having chapter 3 as the synopsis certainly saves time reading.
Well written, good story.

i love this!!! you're such an amazing author! I can't descibe how much I'd like to write like you! You make my writing look like a kindergardener's work! I really hope this gets published...its amazing

Yeah! A well-written book! Definitely one for my bookshelf. I love the historical detail woven into the story and the light touch which brings your characters to life. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Marion
Distant Kin

You've got awesome dialogue and the first chapter really pulled me in. I thought at first that the names would distract me, but after the first bit I really didn't notice them. Lovely read.

I just read the first few chapters and I think everyone had already said the obvious - flows well, good descriptions and I love the concept. As you can see by my book, I loooove original re-tellings! I also love my Celtic history - I can tell you know your stuff, and know enough to stay away from clishes and stale material. Really good - I'd buy.

Debra -

The House of Pendragon - since I gave this story a full round of stars after the system changes I must have commented at some point. In any case, I lost myself in your brilliantly evoked world for the last hour or so. You paint the warrior atmosphere in apt detail, which brings this great historical time so much alive I could step into it. And there is Linny, an amazing character. It's a story I'd like to follow and wished I had as book in my hand. Any chance of this being published? Best success, Pia

I'm amazed that i like this, i so often shun the first person tales, but your work hides the "I's" well with your ability to not put us in your character but on his shoulder. I think you have a lot of talent.

Debra, I can't add to the comments below. This is a fine piece of literature and it deserves to do well. good luck with it.

Dear Debra, your story is rich and rewarding, for those who love to get lost in a tale that has such significance on History. Women like Linnie, are a lost breed in today's materialistic society. I was sincerely lost in you languid style, of past Paramours and bravery that will forever be lost, if we don't learn more about it. This deserves to be published. Such a brave attempt to capture the constraints of another time. And you have managed it admirably. I am no critic Debra, but I am an avid reader, [ And a very proud Welshman ]. And I was more than impressed by your knowledge of the great Welsh Legend. Look forward to reading more, when you get it published. Take care, and I wish you all the best with your book. Cicuta, [ Carl, Arcane ].

Just when I think I've found all the books I enjoyed before, I find another! Such a fun book and now, with the slower pace, I'm going to read more! On my WL to be shelved soon!

Missy

This is so well-written and the prose is almost poetic at times. I have backed this book gladly. It is a book I would be happy to read to the end.

Hi Debra

I read the first chapter and backed this some while ago and thought I'd come back to read the rest of what you've posted. It is consistent with the opening, very powerful, intense and convincing, through all the movements in time. I would love to read the story that is outlined in the synopsis and expect that this will reach a wide audience.

Nicole

This is an exceptional historical. Vivid characters. Realistic emotional friction. Well sketched period detail. Strikingly visual. Crisp dialogue that evokes the era. Riveting pacing. Tension mounts relentlessly. Well thought out, intriguing storyline. Spellbinding writing. A highly enjoyable read. Backed.

A hugely impressive story, driven by character and by richly detailed description. This is an easy book to get into and exceptionally well written. I think I backed it before but will do so again to be certain.

Backed with pleasure, best of luck.

Jack Hughes
Dawn of Shadows

This is a very intriguing book that captures the heart of the reader. Best of luck with your future with this book. Backed with pleasure.
-author of December Gold

An impressive tale.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

I liked your dialogue, Debra, and the general tone picks up the unyielding environment of the novel's setting. I did long for some more extensive description after a while, a long paragraph here and there. Btw it's lying not laying (done or in or on) - I was interested in pillock as I assume this is an archaic version of the similar word used today?
Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Very interesting story. You are talented. Backed.

Delicious story, Debra! I really enjoyed reading the beginning.
Nancy
SEA LEVEL

What a lovely well told story. I remember watching Camelet with V. Redgrave, Franco Nero and Richard Harris, but was familiar with the stories long before. I have been to Wales recently and there are plenty of Gareths there. You don't put a foot wrong and write beautifully.

This is an amazing story. I've always loved tales of Arthur and this didn't disappoint me. The story is well told and flows exceptionally well. The characters are so well drawn and the dialogue adds to the pace. Backed.

Superb - Lin's story is compelling and the writing excellent. Wish I had time to read on. Cheers! -Liz (Meggie Blackthorn)

Debra, so many good things here. first person narration is difficult to pull off, and yet you've done a fine job. i'm an arthurian fan and have read many accounts of his life/times; this is fresh, inviting. the prose suits the era, yet it is clean and contemporary. kudos!
on my shelf.
no quibbles - at all.
very best wishes, andy

A clever slant on Pendragon tales, this is clever and compelling. Linnie is so likeable and the historical detail enriches the story and creates an atmospheric feel. This is wonderful writing and deserves to do well. The characterisation is really good and the structure works well. There seems to be no constructive comment to make, the title and cover are excellent and well done for achieving this standard already.

Backed Lisa

Debra,This is really well written. I will back it soon. You are very precise in your writting. One comment: in the first paragraph you have used "compleated". Unless this is a UK thing, I'd say it should be "completed." (Where do the English get off using English, anyway? If you're American, like me, let's continue the process as if there was an 'a' in it.) [It IS completed, right??]

Dear Debra
this book is amazing, the book cover, the pitch ,all of your work here to create a worth while book is a success for me. Well crafted, characters that popped into my head and refuse to leave and a compelling story. CONGRATS i have not read it all , but PLEASE put more up so I can.
I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

Hi Debra

This is well-researched, convincing, gritty, with good use of colloquial yet distanced dialogue. Your heroine is admirable, your depiction of her situation and the milieu takes the reader straight into that world, and the narrative drives forward, the complexities drawn out with clarity. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

Tune for you, Debra ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jzn92Qmbqg

Amazing writing... I think I'm just going to throw away my dictionary now I've seen how words can be used...

All the best, Lisa (Death And The City)

Linnie comes across as an enterprising women warrior with children in tow, and pregnant, yet wiling to do battle with the enemies of Pendragon. After a childhood in slavery in one of the most harshest places in the Britain, the Orkney islands, it's amazing she's so determined and confident. But in such a brutal time, even Linnie has to curse her gender, for being weak, but really she's strong.
Great writing because the subjectivity has rancour, sometimes subtle, and then full in the face, so it's hard to seperate the prose from the person or the person from the prose. Linnie being that person, living in those times, eating, sleeping, fighting and then wife and mother.
Backed with pleasure
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

THE HOUSE OF PENDRAGON I: THE FIREBRAND

This is absolutely gorgeous. I'm not a huge fan of historical fiction, but who doesn't love the Arthurian legend? You've breathed life into that world and its characters in a new and very engaging way. I've stopped reading, because I'm going to buy the book.

Backed with pleasure
Gail
NEW BEGINNINGS

THE HOUSE of PENDRAGON...

The story flows like waterfall. The narrative style is superb; it enslaves the reader. Backed out of free will.

TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

cracking pitch that gives a good idea of the story but this is not your typical Camelot story but gritty, real and dealing with issues that give this world and its characters depth and full characterisation. Backed with pleasure.

Dear Debra, My own fond recollection of the Arthurian legends drew me into your "House of Pendragon," and I congratulate you on your recreation of the haunting gothic atmosphere. Your characters spring to life, and Lin's emotions as depicted couldn't be more realistic. My only suggestion is to find a seamless way to show earlier that the main character, a fierce warrior, is a woman and that Dafydd is her brother. I don't think you should depend on the book jacket or blurb to reveal this. That said, I'll back your fine novel for now and try to return when I have more time. Meanwhile, may I ask you to take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," which, like your work, took many years to materialize. I believe you'd enjoy it. --Best of luck, Bill

Dear Debra --

Your pitch promised a new twist on the Arthurian tales, and your story fulfills the promise. It struck us that you pulled together many of the best elements from more modern Arthurian treatments (The Once and Future King, all the Marion Zimmer Bradley stories) and coupled them with both the somewhat less accessible historical stories (Geoffrey of Monmouth, Sir Gawain and the Green Knight about Arthur) and the history of the actual era. The ordinary people are often ignored (if not completely so) and we found your treatment of Lyn and Dafydd's lives educational and interesting. In what you've uploaded here, you seem to have found a good balance between the language of the time and the modern world's sensibilities. It's our pleasure to support The House of Pendragon I: The Firebrand. BACKED. -- Delhui, The Long Black Veil

I love King Arthur and all that implies!
Great Historical.
You have crafted quite a story,Good Job!
Love it!
Backed!
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

I haven't seen many Arthurian tales for the past couple years (perhaps I simply live under a rock), but I do love a good tale of knights and ladies fair. : ) This reminded me somewhat of The Once and Future King, the last of this genre I read (which was several years ago). From details you've dropped in here, you've obviously gone to the trouble to do your research; I appreciate your measures toward historical accuracy.

One thing that did jump out at me as jarring, which is rather minor as far as criticism goes, was the italicized "wfft" that started on of the paragraphs rather early on. I didn't understand what that was (a sound effect? And if so, for what?), and I thought it could be taken out entirely without any detraction from the story.

Otherwise, this is a mostly clean read, and fans of this genre should receive it well. : ) Backed!

~Amanda
Burns Like the Sun

I like this - a unique twist on the traditional "slave-story" genre. Some very good images. I do think that the grammar needs work - one sentence that I just happen to remember was "my bath finished, I..." Use a semi-colon or two sentences.

Best Wishes,
Ian Kraft
(The Freel of Streel)