Paper Bats 2: Metro Saves the Day

Jerry - have backed your charming and original story with stars - I have been away for two months and discover you have also backed Freckles the Fawn. Thank you so much and best of luck in all you write. Balepy

Could do this morning - Fri 24th.

Hello Jerry,this is your old pal Rod,operating under the callsign 'Strachan',which is actually my middle name.This is a very sweet and cute story,very simple and straightforward,with a kind of reassuring appeal,which i'm sure kids woud appreciate.we must get together,I'm launched on the site,but need advice as to how to proceed - who better to ask than 'The Master' or Mr.No 1,as he's known in Muswell Hill,entirely without lavatorial connotations,send me an e-mail when you're available,is that next week.Under the Old Pals Act I need you to look at the first of my book,which is now uploaded,hope to see you soon,Rod(Alias Strachan)Gordon

Hello Jerry,this is your old pal Rod,operating under the callsign 'Strachan',which is actually my middle name.This is a very sweet and cute story,very simple and straightforward,with a kind of reassuring appeal,which i'm sure kids woud appreciate.we must get together,I'm launched on the site,but need advice as to how to proceed - who better to ask than 'The Master' or Mr.No 1,as he's known in Muswell Hill,entirely without lavatorial connotations,send me an e-mail when you're available,is that next week.Under the Old Pals Act I need you to look at the first of my book,which is now uploaded,hope to see you soon,Rod(Alias Strachan)Gordon

Hi again Jerry,

I've been rereading a few books on here lately that I remember particularly liking, and came back to have another peek at your weird and wonderful paper bats. :)

I think there's a v sweet quality to your writing, and I still think the idea of paper bats is genuinely original and clever. :)

I especially like the clever little touches that made me smile. eg the fact the bats are named after newspapers. And the scarf. :)

Good story, with Metro saving the day. I loved the clever idea with the buckets and the water. And I enjoyed the brains over brawn outcome. :)

I just had a peek at your website for the artwork. I think it's lovely and perfectly fits your stories. :)

I see your 1st book's published now. I'm glad to see your work's getting out there. I'm giving you 6 stars in the hope it will help a bit with visibility. I can see young children loving your work. Best of luck with your many sales. :)

Pete

Ah how lovely! I love the image of the paperbat complete with red and yellow scarf! I would love to see the drawings :-) This is delightful, witty and wonderful fun.

I might suggest tidying your pitch up a little bit; there's quite a lot of information and it doesn't really sell the book as well as it could. But the content of the story itself is lovely!

Thanks Nanty. Useful. Jerry

Adventure of the Paper Bats.
Part 1 - Metro Saves the Day.
Loved the idea Paper Bats alter writing on their wings to show messages and that names are derivatives of those used by well-known newspapers - Grandpa Times and Granny Guardia(n), being just one example, who in this instance are pretending to be posters. Very amusing. Herald's dilemma, he has to put a fire out without being burnt, is a really nice touch as was Granny falling off of her perch. Metro flying with tiny buckets to draw water from the nearby lake, was fun (I'm assuming he is the brainy one of the twins). Jack, comes across well.
Part 2 - Herald's Birthday Present.
Grandpa Times conducting a lesson on safety is amusing, though it has a serious message that could be expanded on whilst an adult is reading to a child. Granny's wings being blank due to old old, is a hoot. Twins Metro and Tel, losing track of time chasing moths conjures up lovely images and forgetting it is their father's birthday, very child-like. However, I was't sure if a good message was being sent when they went out of the park to get typewritter ribbon as a present for their father, as this had been forbidden. This was dispelled when they ran into danger, courtesy of a cat and. Again this, could be a good way for an adult to talk to their child/children about why certain rules are put into place to keep them safe.
I think this is original. In the two stories read, there is a lot to entertain children and keep them amused. My only concern is, in places, some of the laguage used might be difficult for younger children to understand. I noted, there were spaces left throughout the text for an illustration to be inserted, which would be needed for the targeted audience, so it seems the author has covered all bases.

Nanty - Chrys!

Adventure of the Paper Bats.
Part 1 - Metro Saves the Day.
Loved the idea Paper Bats alter writing on their wings to show messages and that names are derivatives of those used by well-known newspapers - Grandpa Times and Granny Guardia(n), being just one example, who in this instance are pretending to be posters. Very amusing. Herald's dilemma, he has to put a fire out without being burnt, is a really nice touch as was Granny falling off of her perch. Metro flying with tiny buckets to draw water from the nearby lake, was fun (I'm assuming he is the brainy one of the twins). Jack, comes across well.
Part 2 - Herald's Birthday Present.
Grandpa Times conducting a lesson on safety is amusing, though it has a serious message that could be expanded on whilst an adult is reading to a child. Granny's wings being blank due to old old, is a hoot. Twins Metro and Tel, losing track of time chasing moths conjures up lovely images and forgetting it is their father's birthday, very child-like. However, I was't sure if a good message was being sent when they went out of the park to get typewritter ribbon as a present for their father, as this had been forbidden. This was dispelled when they ran into danger, courtesy of a cat and. Again this, could be a good way for an adult to talk to their child/children about why certain rules are put into place to keep them safe.
I think this is original. In the two stories read, there is a lot to entertain children and keep them amused. My only concern is, in places, some of the laguage used might be difficult for younger children to understand. I noted, there were spaces left throughout the text for an illustration to be inserted, which would be needed for the targeted audience, so it seems the author has covered all bases.

Nanty - Chrys!

Dear Jerry, you're not active here, but your vote still counts. Please check my message to you. Thanks, Pia

Hi Jerry,

I like the theme of thse stories. However, while I know you acknowledge the idea is base on the Wombles stories, I think your story might be just a bit too similar to them and could, therefore, create copyright issues.

That apart, is a good children's book though there are some writing errors. First of all, you don't need the 'but' in the first paragraph. Secondly there are a few typos such as 'patents' for 'parents' and some gramattical issues.

A good editing session will clear these things up and, if you can overcome the copyright issue I think you have a marketable story.

Good luck with it.

Ron

Read your book some time ago under the old system.
Young children will love this, it's just up their street so to speak.
Every piece of paper blowing down the street, they will associate it with a Bat, and what's wrong with that.
Nice story and I love it. Hope you do well with it.
Pleased to star rate it
Neville (The Secrets Of The Forest - The Time Zone)

Absolutely charming! Adore the way you've named the bats, especially Grandma Guardia and Grandpa Times! Best of luck with it. Ceeds
JOE'S NAN

Jerry - Adventures of the Paper Bats is delightful, backed immediately and I hope you will find time to look at Freckles the Fawn and leave feedback, very best wishes Balepy

This will be a great title for when I eventually have some children if my own.
I also like the fact that proceeds will be going towards wildlife preservation, something even us bigger kids can get behind. ;)

–Phil

Charming piece of work and suitable not only for the age group you intend but will be a delight to all who open the published pages.

Backed for no reason other than this is lovely to read. I now live in hope that my kids will produce grandchildren for me to read to.

Philip John

Awesome idea for children's reading Jerry. Fanciful and imaginitive.
Backed
Glenn
The Transpod

Dear Jerry,
This is absolutely brilliant work....... You should be extremely proud of Adventure of the Paper Bats, with its originality I see great potential. Best of luck.
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

This is a very brilliant concept and has a lot of potential. It's very easy to see all the forethought and effort which has gone into this book (even with no pictures).

The writing is very polished and seems to be just easy enough for a kid to follow; but not have the stigma of reading a "baby book" as those who feel they may have outgrown an age range of books.

Great job on the character names as well as the mythology of the Paper Bats. It looks like something a librarian can recommend as well as a book suitable for reading to a class and holding the attention of all the students. Good job and much success with it.

This is a very unusual and imaginative idea, Jerry, and one that will certainly have children looking at litter a lot more closely. To add to the fun, this family of paper bats have very different personalities and appearances, and each has individual stories to tell. I hate to admit how long it took me before the significance of the weird names sank in - a nod to the parents.

And there are plenty of places where parent or child can use daft noises to enliven the reading with 'oohs' and 'aahs', such as the tale of how the goblins turned the bats into paper. I've also taken a look at the website, and the pictures are great - fluffy creatures with cute faces and gigantic eyes. They will look fantastic alongside the words ... happily backed.

Possible nits: Consider this slight rewording: 'If you take a look inside this tree, you should be able to see them. But first your eyes will need to get used to the dark inside the hollow trunk, then you should see several...'

HI! I'm so sorry i have't had much of a chance to reply to your message from ages ago!!! I love this! I can really see myself reading this to a classroom. I have to disagree with the previous comment i feel that this could easily incorporated into a younger classroom, although i feel the teacher would have to take the lead!! THe stories and characters are lovely and engaging. I like that you have an ecleptic mix of personalities within the stories which means it could potentially appeal to a wide ranging audience!

Just about to start my third and final year of teacher training and am really loving it!! I hope that one day i can add you book to my already large childrens book library!! Regards James.

The Paperbats books are aimed at children between the ages of five and eight. Whilst it is a very long time since my own birthdays could be numbered in single figures, I have spent several years recently assisting Year 2 pupils (aged 7 mainly) with remedial English sessions. Based on that experience, I think that Paperbats would be more appropriately regarded as a book for children at the lower end of the age range, particularly as eight years was the target readership age for the first Harry Potter book. So, working on that assumption, I would suggest that many of the words used -- e.g., superior, unsupervised, cautious, occasionally, dwindling, predators, taunted, dilemma -- are too sophisticated for five-year olds or a very young readership.

Writing for small children -- the construction of a convincing world with no loopholes to be exploited by small, enquiring minds -- is bloody hard. It requires just as much skill -- more so, at times -- than writing for adults. The author cannot afford to take his eye off the ball for a moment or else he will invite a sackful of letters written in wobbly capitals on the lines of: "You said she was cooking food for the birthday tea. How did they get gas or electricity in the tree, then?" (suggest "making" or "preparing" rather than "cooking"); "You said Grandpa Times keeps books of newspaper cuttings so that he knows what's going on in the world. Are the cuttings baby bats not yet born?" And -- worst of all: "The twins were trying to steal the typewriter ribbon to give to their dad for his birthday. My mum says it's VERY BAD INDEED to steal things."

Turning now to the writing itself, there are a few rogue tenses, but nothing that a good edit won't fix. However, I would urge the author to do some work on his pitches. These are not working for him as they should be and they are crucial. The books deserve to be better marketed. If I can give any advice or help on pitches, I will gladly do so on request.

This is a charming premise for a series of books: little bats with delicate wings of newspaper, that protect city parks. And the motive for writing the books -- the protection of bats and the drive to make people more aware of them -- is a noble one. However, I feel that whilst the concept is excellent, the execution of it is somewhat flawed. The Wombles made children litter-conscious. Delightful as the Paperbats stories are, they don't seem to be carrying the underlying environmental message -- the protection of trees, the rehabilitation of bats as nice creatures. There is much to like in the overall idea, but I feel at present more work needs to be done to realise the Paperbats' full potential. I wish it well.

a fun and whimsical adventure

Elizabeth Love
(Pouring the Cup)

I adore bats and these are lovely stories to not only entertain small children but to do so with an innovative choice of creature... it's easy to become tired of talking dogs and cats and horses and such. Bats! Bliss. Love them! And if it takes anthropomorphous tales like this to teach children to love them too, and have a greater respect for the real thing, then I'm all for it.

Backed & good luck with this. Shame we can't see the pictures.

Hi.
Thanks. You can see my early sketches on my web site; www.paperbats.com
All the best.
Jerry

I adore bats and these are lovely stories to not only entertain small children but to do so with an innovative choice of creature... it's easy to become tired of talking dogs and cats and horses and such. Bats! Bliss. Love them! And if it takes anthropomorphous tales like this to teach children to love them too, and have a greater respect for the real thing, then I'm all for it.

Backed & good luck with this. Shame we can't see the pictures.

This is a sweet story, perfect for kids. I love the concept (I love bats in general), I only wish it was possible to download the pictures on this site! WIth just a little editing, I think this would be wonderful for kids (there's a few places where it's a little redundant, e.g. when the bat first appear to Jack, he wonders twice in the same two-sentence paragraph about speaking newspaper). I think it would do well, I hope somebody gets hold of this. I would have loved it when I was younger. Heck, I might pick it up now if the pictures were cute enough! I love Grandpa and Granny, too. Very well done, utterly enchanting.

Some notes on the intro...
I liked the idea of meeting the bats. I think they are a cute family. (Although how does the one bat keep his tools in his belt?)
Some nitpicks:
Word choice a little advanced? (whilst, knack)
I love coming here because I live nearby or I’m glad I live nearby because I love coming here.
Hopefully we’ll find out what it is….Maybe, he hasn’t told anyone what he is making yet.
We will come across them (grandparents) again later….necessary sentence?
Too many “as” statements.
As paper bats don’t like to get their paper wings wet as they go all soggy and they are very awkward to fly with…could be more concise.
….As they talk to each other so often…..talkative and talk too close together. Maybe.. the flies keep coming out of their mouths when they speak. Or mouths never stay closed long enough to swallow the flies.
This is not uncommon as Indy is….Maybe...This is not uncommon. Indy is…?

What a creative story. It is something I never would have thought when looking at the imaginative side of children. Backed. Thank you for your support of December Gold.

Jerry,
Liked your pitch, and the fact that proceeds of any sales (hope it sells like h-o-t-c-a-k-e-s!) will go toward animal welfare.
Have backed it, and hope to look at it in the near future. Having computer problems!!!!! Aaaarrrrggggggg!!!!!!!
Michael
Iniquity Shall Abound

Liked your wonderful story, i'll return to back once i sort out issues with my shelf.

This is a unique and delightful story. I like how the bats are named for the newspapers. However, sometimes the narrative is not quite at their reading level, and a little wordy. As a child, I loved reading books with many pictures. I noticed a few grammatical/punctuation errors, such as "Could you tell me it again!" and incorrect placement of your/you're. "As" is at times used too often; perhaps substituting "since," "because" or creating a new explanatory sentence would help? Otherwise, this is a lovely book. Backed with pleasure,

Jasmin

Hi, Jerry,
This is delightful. I'm not sure all the words are within a child's understanding. You might want to check that. Also watch for redundancy and punctuation mistakes. Charming and imaginative.
Backed.
Gloria
Finnegan's Quest

ADVENTURES OF THE PAPER BAT-Jerry Evans
hullo Jerry. loaded yours today and I was not disappointed. I have not known about 'paper bat's before this. The only experience I've had with bats was finding a big warm black bat nestled in my mom's pole beans. Needless to say I wanted to keep the bat but it belonged in the wild and that it where I put it. Great story. Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

I can see this as a picture book and I read it with that in mind. Forgive me, but I think you should take out all the adult telling e.g. this is what happened to Jack and now he has lots of stories to tell ... etc Just get on with the story, that's what the 5-8s will want,. Get into the head of one of the bats or of Jack entering their world. Don't tell about it or comment. The adult voice is intrusive. Nice idea. Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Lovely! This will be enchanting for children (and some adults, a nice change from the usual mayhem and gore!) I've only read chapter one, and perhaps my question will be answered as I read on, but I think I'd like to know in the first chapter -- what do paper bats eat? You mention them foraging. Enquiring minds want to know more.
Wei (Kunlun)

I love it! My son will love to read this. I will unclude this one too for his list of things to read next week. re:school reading log. Thank you so much for asking me to look into it Jerry!!

thanks 4 backing my novels, I have backed paper bat :)

I love the concept of Paper Bats. It's an imaginative take and the idea of them as protectors of parks is one that I think children would find really interesting. You provide some good details about the Paper Bats themselves which make them spark the imagination even more. It's a good story - I'd read it to my kids if I had any!

As promised, giving this another spin on my shelf :D Best of luck with it!

Hi Jerry
Started to read your book but found that it wasn't for me. if you are aiming for a very young reader, you might want to reconcider the words you are using. Things like 'he lingered - surprising feature and 10 centimetres might be a little beond their understanding. for the very young, you must keep it really simple.
wishing you all the best - geoff.

Jerry,
I'm sorry it took me so long to read your book since you have read mine. Your book is very intrigueing, it sounds great for children. I would buy this book to read to my kids, it is quite and adventure. I love the fact you took papers and brought life to it. Truley unique! I love your work! Your imagination is brilliant! Best of luck!

Jessica,
"A Daughter's Sacrifice"
BACKED with pleasure! Also watchlisted!

Hi Jerry,

Thanks for your comments on Bad Blood... I was always find it interesting when someone has enjoyed it at all, and the more feedback I can get the better!

Just had a read through some of Adventures of the Paper Bats, and thought I'd give you some feedback.

Chap 1:
- 'But, these' (One, I can't stand a sentence beginning with an 'and' or 'but', so didn't like that. Two, the comma didn't work for me either.)
- 'The same might happen..' (That I go to a park? I would put this after it changing his life, not after saying he visits the park a lot.)
- 'Jack first came..' (I'd take out both commas.)
- 'No it was too thin' ('No,' Also think of italicising the thought.)
- Wait, he saw the wink first, but the eyes last??
- 'newspaper, fluttered' (No comma.)
- 'keepit' ('keep it')

To be honest I'm not the best judge of this type of work because it is so different to what I read and attempt to write, but it at least achieves what it sets out to do.
For that, I'll certainly back.

Good luck,
Mitch

Thanks. Taken on-board.


Jerry

Hi Jerry,

Thanks for your comments on Bad Blood... I was always find it interesting when someone has enjoyed it at all, and the more feedback I can get the better!

Just had a read through some of Adventures of the Paper Bats, and thought I'd give you some feedback.

Chap 1:
- 'But, these' (One, I can't stand a sentence beginning with an 'and' or 'but', so didn't like that. Two, the comma didn't work for me either.)
- 'The same might happen..' (That I go to a park? I would put this after it changing his life, not after saying he visits the park a lot.)
- 'Jack first came..' (I'd take out both commas.)
- 'No it was too thin' ('No,' Also think of italicising the thought.)
- Wait, he saw the wink first, but the eyes last??
- 'newspaper, fluttered' (No comma.)
- 'keepit' ('keep it')

To be honest I'm not the best judge of this type of work because it is so different to what I read and attempt to write, but it at least achieves what it sets out to do.
For that, I'll certainly back.

Good luck,
Mitch

Hi Jerry,
I really believe children will love it, heck I loved it :) I'm definitely going to back your book. Good luck on publishing it someday.

Kelvin
ICIRE: The Rebirth

Hello Jerry,
It me Pamela Wootton again, this time with a quick review of your nice book. As a grandmother, it felt like I was the one telling the story to any of my grandchildren, it was that believable and well written. Good stuff my friend and good luck with it. See you at the top with this top children's story book.
Cheers
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

Well, absolutely delightful. The opening descriptions appealing, love the tiny claws and the level of writing just right for your age group. Will back with pleasure. I expect you've picked up the repetition in Chapter One half way through the section after the first picture, the gust of wind blowing the piece of paper near some trees. All the best Jaye Hill

Thanks. Yes corrected. Jerry [paperbat]

Well, absolutely delightful. The opening descriptions appealing, love the tiny claws and the level of writing just right for your age group. Will back with pleasure. I expect you've picked up the repetition in Chapter One half way through the section after the first picture, the gust of wind blowing the piece of paper near some trees. All the best Jaye Hill

Thanks. Yes corrected. Jerry [paperbat]

Well, absolutely delightful. The opening descriptions appealing, love the tiny claws and the level of writing just right for your age group. Will back with pleasure. I expect you've picked up the repetition in Chapter One half way through the section after the first picture, the gust of wind blowing the piece of paper near some trees. All the best Jaye Hill

I love this Jerry, I have only read to chapter three, I smiled all the way through. this should fill the hole you have mentioned and the children I know would love this book. You mention a picture section, this is just the thing. Have you tried a specialist agent just for children? Try this one, could be a long time awaiting a reply but you may strike lucky. www.celiacatchpole.co.uk, Celia Catchpole is a specialist in this genre.
Good Luck.
Norman. (Fromante)

I can't say that I'm an expert at children's fiction, but I think you have a great concept here.

Just a few points of contention:-
The opening question might not be one that taxes the minds of many children. Perhaps write it from the perspective of Jack.

As this book should be regarded as educational, the punctuation would need to be utterly conventional, consistent and rather basic. Therefore no concessions to the rhythm of the voice of the author.

A good practice would be to bring the work up on screen at 200% actual size to iron out any inconsistencies.

Laith

I can't say that I'm an expert at children's fiction, but I think you have a great concept here.

Just a few points of contention:-
The opening question might not be one that taxes the minds of many children. Perhaps write it from the perspective of Jack.

As this book should be regarded as educational, the punctuation would need to be utterly conventional, consistent and rather basic. Therefore no concessions to the rhythm of the voice of the author.

A good practice would be to bring the work up on screen at 200% actual size to iron out any inconsistencies.

Laith