Book Jacket

 

rank 2204
word count 22261
date submitted 14.08.2010
date updated 20.09.2010
genres: Fiction, Science Fiction, Fantasy, ...
classification: universal
incomplete

The First Human War - Book One

Frank Calcagno, Jr.

Five teens lost in space on a sentient warship must return to the Ten Colonies to save humanity from a vicious foe.

 

Fourteen year-old Peter Campbell and his four classmates are trapped on a prototype sentient starship when the R&D asteroid base they are on is attacked by the evil Wasatti. Their quirky ship has yet to develop his full personality, yet it must find a way to escape the fierce space battle, or die in the attempt. That is, until the ship is knocked off-line by a massive enemy barrage.

Needing a way to escape the battle at Vega, they jump away, only to be lost in space with no adult crew left alive. Thus begins the thousand-year voyage of the Antares Rangers, now available for purchase on Smashwords. Visit my author page at:

http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/TalesoftheAntaresRangers

 
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tags

aliens, book series, fantasy, fiction, growing up, habitable planets, interstellar war, lost in space, overcoming adversity, science fiction, sentient...

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79 comments

 

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tecmic wrote 1320 days ago

Professional quality sci-fi, slick with a techy overlay that generates interesting imagery. The core of human interaction keeps it grounded but off-world in it's feel. Up there with stuff I read in my youth from Asimov and others. Good work.

SusieGulick wrote 1338 days ago

Dear Frank, I love the suspense :) - I didn't know if they were going to make it or not, there at the end. :) I never function well under stress, so I'm glad it wasn't up to me to save them. :) Great write! Your pitch sucked me in to read & your tight paragraphing & dialogue made me keep reading. :) I'm glad you're making this a series. :) I loved Terminator TV Series & they cancelled it, so yours helped replace it. :) I'm backing your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

A. L. Reynolds wrote 1342 days ago

I thought this was excellently written. It starts out with excitement, and makes the reader interested in the story to follow. The prose is slick, grammatical and well laid out. The scenes you build are interesting, believable, and very ‘sci-fi’ – I can almost visualise the book cover it would have when published.
I can find little to criticise, but since you’re anxious for constructive criticism I’ve picked out a few things. I’m not sure you need the line ‘this is their story’ to end the prologue – it’s fine with the preceding line alone. I feel that the extra line breaks the flow a little.
I got a little (only a little) lost with some of the descriptions of the learning environment and such things in the first chapter proper – they were perhaps a little long (although I’ve had a sleepless night, so my brain’s not up to par). The only other criticism is in your description of Stiles – I think you repeat his name too often, and perhaps you could replace some instances with ‘he’ instead.
This is an excellent read, though, and I can see it being very popular with teenagers, and with adults desperate for some well-written sci-fi amongst the swathes of rubbish that’s out there.

M. A. McRae. wrote 1344 days ago

A well constructed thoughtful novel. Science-fiction is demanding when a whole new world has to be constructed. I liked that you gave us a good introduction to your characters in the second chapter, though you may cop some criticism for this. Some feel it should be action, action, action, and moan about 'telling' as if it was not needed. There's plenty of action later on, and the characters interact in a believable and natural way. I think this is a very good book. Backed, Marj.

Andrew Burans wrote 1343 days ago

You have finely crafted a most unique and interesting storyline. Your openning "In a Time yet to Come" sets the tone for your book perfectly and your use of imagery is well done. Your story is character rich, your character development of Peter is excellent as is your use of imagery. All of this coupled with your imaginative writing ensures that your science fiction fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning


Shieldmaiden wrote 1203 days ago

Your story is great! Not only is it immensely interesting, but the tech talk doesn't leave me scratching my head with no idea of what you're talking about. (On that point, thank you). The storyline and setting is so intriguing--I can't wait to read more. I love your characters, and I love the setting in which their lives are lived. Throughout the whole story I kept asking myself questions. You have a winner here.
I wish you luck with your writing!

--Shieldmaiden

P.S. If you have time, could you comment on Alexis? Any constructive criticism is appreciated. Have a great day!

K.Z. Freeman wrote 1268 days ago

enoyed the story and writing, interesting and often amusing characters, entertaining read :)

Lynne Ellison wrote 1272 days ago

interesting story; should appeal to fans of space fiction.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

Tari wrote 1273 days ago

Hi Frank, I gave this a long review some time ago and stilll have the same high opinion of your work. It is exciting, absorbing, and as you can see, unforgettable.

It deserves to be published. The writing is tight, compelling capturing the imagination of the reader.

Backed again with pleasure.

Katy.xx
Phobic Dawn. .

Frank Calcagno wrote 1275 days ago

Frank,

I just finished reading through the 5 chapters of your sci-fi novel and I really enjoyed. The prologue really grabbed my attention and pulled me into the world that you created. I am amazed that you were able to fit so many distinct characters with backstories, and different worlds into just five chapters. This is GREAT! Any chance you would think about uploading a couple more chapters?



scify_guy, Contractually, I should not post more of the book on outside sites, but you can read the first 50% of my novel for free at my distributor's site at: http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/24673
You can also download a smaller portion at barnesandnoble.com.
I am pleased you enjoyed reading 'The First Human War'. Book 2, "The D'war'en Heir' will be out in 2011...

scify_guy wrote 1276 days ago

Frank,

I just finished reading through the 5 chapters of your sci-fi novel and I really enjoyed. The prologue really grabbed my attention and pulled me into the world that you created. I am amazed that you were able to fit so many distinct characters with backstories, and different worlds into just five chapters. This is GREAT! Any chance you would think about uploading a couple more chapters?

GK Stritch wrote 1282 days ago

Whoa, Frank,

Five teens lost in space, that's too many...great writing.

Best wishes.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School
(One kid lost)

Richard J. Dean Jr. wrote 1283 days ago

Thank you for taking a peek at Twin Fates. I hope you enjoyed what you read. I will happily Back such a well thought out story. Excellent job creating a difference in the way certain characters talk. I love seeing different accents pop in in a story. Good luck with your novel,
~Richard

billy.mcbride wrote 1284 days ago

Dear Frank,

Hi, its Billy. I enjoyed how you put your story into motion, literally. What I can tell from it is that you also enjoy a careful organization, or reorganization when you approach a subject matter. Constructing in such a way makes the story more flexible and of permanent value. The places of space are very intriguing. I am happy that you know how to revise things for others.

Keep on Going,

Billy McBride

Cat091971 wrote 1285 days ago

The first chapter definitely hooks you. I would watch the verb tenses - was/had been... There are quite a few instances where these need to be looked at critically and re-done. A few run-on sentences, making the reading a bit choppy (had to go back and re-read), but very engaging. Backed.

Cat
"Twisted"
"Lies & Love"

DMHeadley wrote 1289 days ago

I love the cover page. Your pitch is great and the storyline is very gripping.
Has been backed with pleasure.

Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

Azam Gill wrote 1301 days ago

The First Human War.

The picaresque taken to new heights with dashes of the heroic.

An unususal choice of finely narrated devices within an exciting, well- worked out plot endearing characters, and a mind-boggling sweep of time.

Backed.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

Jehmka wrote 1306 days ago

Meticulouslly crafted science fiction with gripping suspense and convincing dialogue.
Recommended and backed.

greeneyes1660 wrote 1307 days ago

Frank, extremely well written. It always amazes me how someones imgination can create whole new worlds and still create such depth in their characters as well. Your imagery is exceptional and you build tension extremely well. The way you introduced us to each MC gave us that emotional connection and helped in making the storyline easier to follow; which will also allow for an easy transition into the books to follow. Quite impressive...Backed with pleasure Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

Wilma1 wrote 1308 days ago

I enjoyed the pitch and settled down to read it. I got a good feel for the vastness of space but the sentence –‘Struggling to catch his breath; he looked down through an enormous depth.’ I’m not sure that line sits right. Can you look through a depth I don’t think you can. A hole can have an undeterminable depth.
‘Horrible little room’ I understood what you meant but this was an opportunity to show not tell. ‘The room was coffin like, small and claustrophobic. Its dark walls and low ceiling made him want to flee its confines.’ Just my opinion but anything that makes the reader question brings them out of the story. You give a lot of history and info in a short space of time and I realise that is necessary to your plot. I think this has a lot of potential in its genre and I hope it does well for you. Happily Backed
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you enjoy it

J A Humm wrote 1309 days ago

Although not a genre I know anything about at all, I can see that this is well written and will appeal to many. Wishing you success!

J A Humm
(The Retreat)

gloria piper wrote 1309 days ago

Hi, Frank,
The First Human War, Book 1 is so smooth and masterful. Each character is unique and has depth. The technology is convincing.
Backed.
Gloria
Finnegan's Quest

Herschel Shirley wrote 1310 days ago

Good read, well written. Backed.

Take a look at my fantasy, 'Earth Reaver'. I would welcome any comments.

Herschel Shirley

CarolinaAl wrote 1310 days ago

Great concept. An engaging science fiction tale with well-rounded characters. Wonderful imgery. Sparkling dialogue. Thorough world building. Brilliant writing. A pleasure to read. Backed.

rab14 wrote 1310 days ago

Well constructed opening and second chapter . The pace of the story flows with just the right amount of suspense and intrigue needed to create a good Sci-Fi - Fantasy novel. Good Luck K.J.

Despinas1 wrote 1311 days ago

Brilliant work Frank.
Backed with utmost pleasure and surety
Helen
The Last Dream

Steven J Pemberton wrote 1314 days ago

Some good ideas, and you write well, but it needs work...

The short pitch is great, but the long pitch is confusing. I would've thought a "massive enemy barrage" would destroy the ship, not disable it - or do Wasatti gunners go to the same school of marksmanship as Stormtroopers? Then in the next paragraph, it seems the Wasatti's aim is to capture the ship, not destroy it - so why not something more subtle than a massive barrage? In the last paragraph, you say the characters have to determine their location - but you just said they were near Antares. That's good enough when you're 600 light years from home. And don't tell me the series is exciting. I've already reached my own decision about that by the end of the pitch - or at least have decided whether I want to read any of it.

The first chapter is attention-grabbing, but don't end with Peter thinking back to how this whole adventure began. Heroes don't do that sort of thing, not when the fate of humanity hangs in the balance. (Look up "stay in the phone booth with the gorilla." No, seriously.)

The second chapter is virtually all back story, which doesn't belong here - not when the reader might still be making up their mind about whether to buy the book. To be honest, I'd have to wonder why kids are allowed anywhere near a secret military base, particularly one that's building a ship that might save humanity.

I'm backing this for the ideas, and because there isn't enough science fiction on Authonomy.

SPW wrote 1314 days ago

Great book! Not a lot else i can say! Well written, great dialogue, nice pace, detailed narrative and lots of excitement.
This is Classic sci-fi! This should do well and hope it will be published.
Backed,
Simon.
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

Julie Hough wrote 1316 days ago

Very good. Julie

Pat Black wrote 1317 days ago

Excellent prologue: I don't often like those, but you put us in the teeth of the action and set your stall up in the space of about a dozen paragraphs. You introduce some excellent, mind-bending concepts in the first chapter proper and put us in the frame for the war with the Yasutti.

Pat Black
Snarl

River Stone wrote 1318 days ago

Hello
Care to swap reads and backs?

Regards,
River

The Secret Snow

Tari wrote 1318 days ago

This is compelling. The first chapter short, terse and dramatic grips the reader immediatley.

The characters are so well rounded, Peter, North Cheyanne and Chinese or Japanese, Ali, who is 13 going on 43. Henrietta, with silken hair and expressive eyes then there's Stiles with the spiky strawberry blonde hair. Contrasts creating texture. Liked the flashback to the Wasatti and the Hive, structuring the story.

Your imaginative technology is superb,whilst the astronomical information gives colour and credibility to this Sci Fi fantasy. Loved it.

The tension builds, accelerating towards the end of the chapter.

Backed with pleasure,

Katy, xx
Phobic Dawn.

Tim Andrewartha wrote 1319 days ago

There are lots of interesting ideas in this like how they get their education and the way they age. There are some great descriptions like "a quivering ball of mint colored jelly". I read chapters 1 & 2. Chapter 1 is very short & right in the middle of something happening that I think we will get to later on. This is a good way to start & get us interested. Personally I wanted a few more descriptions to help me visualize the scene. Chapter 2 is pretty long & introduces us to several characters, as well as giving us quite a lot of background information. The writing is very good. You describe the characters well & explain things clearly. However, I felt that there's quite a lot to take in & wondered if a few things could be taken out or saved for later. Those are just my thoughts. Overall I think it's very good. Happily backed. Tim (Vitality)

Jayboid wrote 1320 days ago

There's no denying your abilities, Frank. And your novel is slanted to the right market, at least when not K-T adjusted. I am having a bit of a problem with this latter, however. When one is 14 and K-T adjusted by 10 years, does that make him 24 by earth-year standards? I'm just trying to make the adjustment to the age of the character. Does the person with the K-T adjustment of 10, is that added to his other age. If a lad is 24 his hormones will be boiling, whereas one of 14 would have a very different level of interest.

I'm backing this because of your exceptional skill as a writer, the ability to bring characters together so that each has a sense of authenticity to him. Sci-Fi is not my cup of tea, but good writing definitely is!

Good luck with your endeavors.

Jay Squires












Jayboid wrote 1320 days ago

There's no denying your abilities, Frank. And your novel is slanted to the right market, at least when not K-T adjusted. I am having a bit of a problem with this latter, however. When one is 14 and K-T adjusted by 10 years, does that make him 24 by earth-year standards? I'm just trying to make the adjustment to the age of the character. Does the person with the K-T adjustment of 10, is that added to his other age. If a lad is 24 his hormones will be boiling, whereas one of 14 would have a very different level of interest.

I'm backing this because of your exceptional skill as a writer, the ability to bring characters together so that each has a sense of authenticity to him. Sci-Fi is not my cup of tea, but good writing definitely is!

Good luck with your endeavors.

Jay Squires












tecmic wrote 1320 days ago

Professional quality sci-fi, slick with a techy overlay that generates interesting imagery. The core of human interaction keeps it grounded but off-world in it's feel. Up there with stuff I read in my youth from Asimov and others. Good work.

Niobrara Kardnova wrote 1322 days ago

Hi Frank,
The plot line offers adventure on adventure. The opening 1000-year flash forward is compelling. It's good to see that kids will still be kids, even on this secluded asteroid-bound academy. The personalities of each student are becoming clear already, as are the interests and talents for which they were selected. I can sense all of this coming into play after the Wasatti attack. The book is headed in a well conceived direction. Backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (Family Irregulars)

beeloveks wrote 1324 days ago

I found myself pulled in by the short & sweet intro in the first chapter. Read through chapter 3 in no time. Hope I have time soon to read on.

I was glad to read the the characters are as confused about their ages as I am, with the normal space vs K-T space. What a logistical nightmare! The idea is fantastic so far.

Elizabeth Love
(Pouring the Cup)

Frank Calcagno wrote 1325 days ago

Hi Frank, engaging storyline. on my shelf.
enoyed your sci-fi details: well presented and intriguing. the writing is clean & strong.
i could send only kudos but have a tiny observation that may strike a chord. if not, pls ignore. ;)

my interest flagged a bit in ch 2 when you introduced the backstories of Stiles, Ali, Jimmy D, Henrietta, and P. they are interesting characters but felt like alot of backstory in one chunk. maybe shorten a tad, or spread out by moving a few pieces of each backstory forward in the narrative?

great read. very best, andy


Andy, perfect comment. I have been spending the past couple days exactly doing that from previous comments. Backstory versus action is always tough...I am trying to find a good compromise, which probably marks a good writer from a bad one...like me. But I'm trying to learn!

Andy M. Potter wrote 1325 days ago

Hi Frank, engaging storyline. on my shelf.
enoyed your sci-fi details: well presented and intriguing. the writing is clean & strong.
i could send only kudos but have a tiny observation that may strike a chord. if not, pls ignore. ;)

my interest flagged a bit in ch 2 when you introduced the backstories of Stiles, Ali, Jimmy D, Henrietta, and P. they are interesting characters but felt like alot of backstory in one chunk. maybe shorten a tad, or spread out by moving a few pieces of each backstory forward in the narrative?

great read. very best, andy

Jodi Louise Nicholls wrote 1326 days ago

Ooo this gave me shivers! Great concept and I love the seemless flow to your prose.

This is definately worthy of a backing. :o)

All the best,

Jodi
x-Evalesco-x

Fromante wrote 1328 days ago

My kind of book Frank, I like the way you have written it and the way you explain everything. It will appeal to a very wide audience, especially the teenage readers who are now discovering good books like this are a real gift. There is not much to query about your writing and I do not nit pick, so I wish you all the good luck and exposure to the right people with this book. Backed with pleasure.
Norman. (Fromante)

Kevin O'Donnell wrote 1330 days ago

Cool stuff. well done. Sentient starship - nice touch.
Kevin

Christian Piatt wrote 1333 days ago

Frank:
I like the idea of a handful of teenagers, caught out on a joyride being thrust into an unexpected opportunity for heroism. I go tire of the larger-than-life heroes, so your approach is welcome and quite refreshing.
I think, for the most part, your pacing is great, though occasionally the descriptive passages obscure the plotline for me a bit. Could also be that I just lack imagination ;-)
At any rate, a fun and exciting read from what I've seen.
Best of luck with your book. Backed.
Peace,
Christian Piatt
PULLING THE GOALIE

KW wrote 1333 days ago

I know I read this before, at least, it seems like it. I guess "it had all started a thousand years ago" and that's why I think I remember it. Wow, a living ship is an intriguing concept: "a heart beating within the walls." You have the makings of a fascinating SF fantasy on yours hands. I'm glad you uploaded the complete text so I can come back and read more once I get a little more time. Backed for now.

Daniel Manning wrote 1334 days ago

When the Hive and Human fleets engage with the Wasatti, in K T adjusted space, like all battles before, from 'The Little Big Horn' to the present day, go the victor, the spoils.But there is no outright victory, so the Wasitta see a more tempting and easier target, when they follow the Argonauts courier back to the carefully hidden Vega Constuction Astroid. With the main fleet strung out, the defence falls to a thin screen of Frigates, there to protect the base.
Great story to fold the fabric of time between colonizing the frontier of space in a manner reminiscent of the the great American west with the development of towns, in a hostile land encountering many dangers, non more so than race of beings, not willing to be friends but wanting to fight.
Nicely written like living in the timeless vacumn of KT space where two hundred years might just be twenty, all we need are the smoke signals and arrows, and the proud braves on horseback.
Backed with pleasure.
Daniel Manning
No Compatibility.

Kaychristina wrote 1334 days ago

Frank, this is extremely well-written Sci-Fi, and written with immense imagination. Such diverse children, and readers will care for each of them - and wonder if the divine Henrietta and Peter will end up together... and Stiles might become a person. Jimmy and Ali are loveable, and all their individual gifts will surely combine to save them all as well as humanity from the Wasatti.

Your descriptive style is vivid. Readers will be able to see this planet, the base and its tunnels. And we know where its people are from and why they are there. Grounded in reality, if you will.

Superb Sci-Fi that will appeal across the board, and certainly backed by this reader.

From Kay with best wishes to you.
(Waystation to Prosperity Street)

Cherry G. wrote 1334 days ago

You've created a fascinating universe which you've convinced me is real.. The construction base in Chapter 2 certainly feels real, with the metallic pathways and the small study area where the five children work through their individual programmes.
As the children work through the virtual class in their specially made cocoons, you give us insight into their planetary travels before coming to the Vega base and reveal a lot about their personalities through what they're studying.
It seems they all have different strengths and weaknesses and it's going to be interesting to see how they work together when they need to. The eldest is Syles, who's good looking, blond and white skinned. Very intelligent, a model pupil and from a family and planet that has a long history of political power. Sounds impressive, except he is a bully and views the other children with contempt. He dreams of going back to his home planet to be welcomed as a hero, like Napoleon when he returned to France. Oh dear, this boy is going to be trouble, isn't he?
I'm thinking that Ali could be useful in a crisis, because like his father, he's forever making things and thinking up inventions. But he has a weakness of forgetting about everything else. Henrietta is the only girl in the group and interested in medicine and psychiatry. She and Peter seem keen on each other and Peter is thinking of her when he should be concentrating on his studies. Peter seems to be very popular with all except Styles and often protects ten year old Jimmy from Styles' bullying. They are a well rounded group, having a varied group of talents and skills, with underconfident Jimmy excelling in languages and interested in the Hive colony's telepathic abilities. He and his mother believe he has latent telepathic abilities from living in the strange Hive colony during the first two years of his life..I'm thinking this might be important later in the story.
The action starts in Chapter Three with Peter's mother, Erin, finding herself under attack from the enemy, the Wasatti destroyer fleet. The detail about the fleet and the enemy and missiles etc all felt convincing. Also, we learn more about Erin's Native American origins and her family life. She reflects on how much she misses her husband and son and sends them a message which they won't receive for three years. But as she rests after the attack, a Wasatti ship tags the courier ship delivering the fleet logs and her message to the top secret Vega base.
The final sentence of the chapter is chilling. The Wasatti fleet is waiting to follow the courier to the Vega base. The children we have met and begun to care about in the previous chapter are now in serious danger. We have to read on.
An enjoyable, exciting read read, with characters we can believe in and care about. BACKED.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

Su Dan wrote 1334 days ago

a great story written with care and skill. the pace works well for this sci-fi adventure...on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Sly80 wrote 1334 days ago

An excellent glimpse of the future before we begin Peter's adventures. Five kids being 'schooled' in a weird high-tech manner that makes the virtual feel real. I suspect that it will be unfortunate that Stiles found Napoleon to be a suitable hero. Ali's family live an interesting life, sleeping through technological developments. Jimmy, who comes from a mysterious Hive planet, has a hero too - Superman. Henrietta concentrates on the potential telepathy with the Hive entities. Meanwhile, Peter has difficulty concentrating on deep teach, his heritage is of oral tradition, but what distracts him most turns out to be Henrietta.

This is an impressively imagined future, Frank, with the development of human technology, of bending space for interstellar travel, the meeting and communicating with the Hive and then the encounter with the hostile Wassati. You cover a lot of background in the chapter following the prologue, and I wonder if all of it is necessary and if some of it could perhaps be fed in gradually later. That aside, this is extremely well written with some very neat phrases, 'each word sparingly parsed out like gold from a miser's purse', 'skinny as a rusty nail'. Older children and young adults should find it a very absorbing and exciting story ... backed.

Possible nits: 'deep within its core was [were] the living spaces'. 'He found [felt?] himself growing ... he found them just a little more distant'.

(Just a word of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems.)

csandersen wrote 1334 days ago

Great structure and strong characters! It is easy to follow and intriguing. Pacing is exquisite.

Gladly Backed!

CSAndersen

sjwilling wrote 1335 days ago

Science Fiction and fantasy are my two favorite genres and I would buy this TFHW from a bookstore so that pretty much sums it up . :)

My only problem was the main character's name. Peter Campbell is so common (roughly nine million catches on yahoo search) my first thought was trying to figure out which movie, tv series, book he was coming from. Given the more uniqueness of the other character's names, maybe this is something you might want to consider modifying.

S.J.

Molwanda wrote 1335 days ago

I love the premise and the suspense too, your language a bit complicated but your work has great potential I see. I've got problems getting anything onto my shelf at the moment--ever experienced the same, but I'll be back to pop your once it's sorted. Backed.

tisseurdecontes wrote 1336 days ago

You have a fascinating plot line for this story. The first chapter gets you right into the action. The second chapter, however seems to be a major information dump and felt rather slow (until the very last sentence when you do feel that something big is getting ready to happen). I have the same problem in places and I think it may be fairly common. But you might read over the second chapter and ask yourself: 1) Is there anything here that is not necessary to the story that can just be dropped out? 2) Is there any information that is important to the story, but that can be worked in later in between actions sequences? (Check out Apocalypse Then - bad title, but he does a fantastic job of telling his story and going back to the pre-story past to fill in little gaps and gradually bring the reader up to speed on the main character and the historical background).

I like where this seems to be going and will probably be back to read more. But I have read enough to know that I like it.

Backed.

Steven Lloyd
THE AUDACITY OF HOPE AND CHANGE

nenno wrote 1336 days ago

I think this could be a lot better if you gave less detail and moved the story along. I like it, and although sci-fi is not my usual thing, I would pick this up and read it till the end, if the story accelerated. Possibly rethink all the adverbs, usually they tend to overkill. Over-writing is the curse it seems of the first timers nad I have had to get rid of a LOT, in order to move my story along. Older wiser I can now see what the editors were trying to tell me. One editor said to me, they think in sound-bytes today, and it has helped me hope this helps you. Your pitch is well, too clever. Less is more. My humble opinion, put here because I think you have obvious potential

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