THE OUTRAGE

Pamela, Wow. This ha got it all and I think you have given this so much thought. Its a winner and right up my street. For a while I have been saying that this isnt what I would normally read well tonight I am saying this is what I would read. Loved the diversity, the flow, the character descriptions, the pace and the way you capture and hold the reader for as long as you like. Superb and I loved it. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Hostage crises are a good way to get attention

And a building about to blow, plenty of tension here

Then the bang

The real element of tension in ch 1 was the lost partner. Knowing time is ticking, the explosion, the dread

You got my adrenaline pumping. I'll move to ch 7 as requested.

I'm glad we're in the kidnappers POv. Makes for interesting reading.

Interesting politics--there's a Robin Hood quality about this

I like what you're doing here. Martin. Such a great concept.

So many truths: the corruption, the pollution, the poverty. So much tension in the ideas; who will win Martin's heart.

I also appreciate the Desmond and Ape. Good characters.

This story is important, it's ideas are important--the oppressed people in its setting are important. And guns and bombs make it exciting. A lot of folks suffer in other countries over oil. It was nice to see the issue raised.

There's one other point I'll address in your messages.

Chapter 1 opens with a tangible and emotional rendering of Zsa Zsa's search for Martin. The chapter draws the reader in and creates compassion for the main characters involvement. The second chapter gives the background, the history of Malanga and creates the backdrop for the story to follow. Chapter three elaborates on the backdrop and starts setting the stage creating anticipation for what is to follow. In chapter 4 Zsa Zsa's fears becomes reality and even though she is supposedly a hardened MI8 operative, the closeness of her relationship with Martin, described before, leads to an emotional response that is well captured. Chapter 5 describes the background and circumstances surrounding the kidnapping, creating a very believable reason for the kidnapping by giving the reader some understanding of the cause and events leading up to the leader of the kidnappers actions to pursue this career.
Overall well written and captivating.
In the pitch, the second mention of Malanga as "Malaga" needs some repairs. For some reason, sentences are sometimes stopped dead and then continues after a space in a new paragraph. Maybe that is an upload problem.

The Outrage is a two-fisted thriller that starts out fast and gets better from there. Too many thrillers these days forget that what we really want out of this genre is action, and author Pamela Wootton gives it to us. Somehow she finds a way to also add in romance, and it seems completely natural due to the strong characters and crisp dialog. When you combine all that with the intricate settings and accurate executions of military-style operations, you end up with a book that’s a perfect summer vacation type of read. Backed with pleasure.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Pamela, Wow. This ha got it all and I think you have given this so much thought. Its a winner and right up my street. For a while I have been saying that this isnt what I would normally read well tonight I am saying this is what I would read. Loved the diversity, the flow, the character descriptions, the pace and the way you capture and hold the reader for as long as you like. Superb and I loved it. Well done.
Sean Connolly. British Army on the Rampage. (B.A.O.R) Please consider me for a read or watch list wont you?? Many thanks. Sean

Starting the book with the action scene is classic for a reason. It works. I love the description of sights, sounds and smells. Great insight into her emotions too. Perhaps what she is yelling out could be a bit more stacatto. Remeber that it is very loud and she is extremely anxious. She would not be yelling out twenty sylable sentences I think.
I wonder too if it would have been a conflict of interest for her to be on the rescue team. Would she really have been allowed to be a member. Never mind. That's Hollywood for you. People overlook the coincidences if they like the rest of the book.
Then you go onto chapter 2 to explain the background. Great again. It's all calmed down and you have hooked your reader in by now. They want more info to set the scene and you provide it here. I do feel that you could have written this chapter using half the words. You repeat the same themes several times e.g. the socioeconomic situation in the country and the smuggling that is going on.
Also, there is a massive description about the winter spent meeting her friend. Who cares. Wrap it up unless there is a massive snow scene significant later in the book. You might lose some readers here.
I think you have a rough diamond here. Lots of action, romance, drugs, smuggling and intrigue. It is definately in the class of The Bourne Identity and Terminator 4 for it's flow and sequencing, just try to keep in succinct and flowing onto new stuff all the time rather than going back over the same stuff again.
Best of luck. I very much enjoyed it.
Violet Ivy

lots of bad grammar and typos here....give your pitches a good edit
j

Great action! Like how you get right down to it! Only criticisms are a few typos and format (mainly spacing) problems. Great job building suspense.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and Last Degree

backed... AS PROMISED!!!!

Explosive opening chapter, full of excitement and tension that sets the scene very well. You have a powerful voice which transfers through your characters. This is highly charged writing with a good plot, lots of background detail - I hope that you finish it.
Best of Luck.
Bradley Haynes (Tricia)

Hi Pamela,

Though I've only had time to rad the first two chapters of this story, I found it more enjoyable than your other story. It is better wriiten overall, though there are a few reduntant words.

I'm glad you started at the point you did - with the action.

It's a topical story and should do well.

Ron

Have 6 starred this and added to our WL which means you WILL make our shelf in the next (+3) round of backings (its 11pm for us). Check our comments trail if u want to confirm this and do feel free to chase at ANY TIME to know exactly how long till ur going up...

Pamela,
You asked for a concrete example to illustrate my comments. The most important comment is that you should seriously address superfluous adverbs and adjectives in order to make your style even more urgent. For no particular reason I've picked the 2d paragraph of chapter 1. I don't say that this is a great piece of writing on my part, but don't you think it would be sharper if ithe text read something like this:

"Her heartbeat pounded against her chest; her breathing rate increased, and perspiration ran down her neck and back. Her body was clammy from stress and the oppressive environment. Meanwhile seconds ticked away against a backdrop of weapons cracking. Sounds rebounded off the trees, and the echoes interwove with the cries of retreating rebels and advancing soldiers." ?

This text has approximately 3 adjectives directly qualifying a following noun: oppressive / retreating / advancing; and no adverbs to speak of. In comparison your original text has approximately 10 adjectives and 2 adverbs. I think this is generally characteristic.

I hope this is clearer. It is a very important point of style for your kind of writing.

Good luck

Jim

Hi.

As offered I've taken a look at the first chapter of your book. You set up a clear, fast paced situation and state the principal characters and relationships. This is all to the good. It says unambiguously that this is a thriller and it begins with a hook to draw in the reader. This is important in getting the casual browser to recognise and buy the book.

You are aiming at a style that fits with the genre and pace, and this is also good. However you have a major (though remediable) stylistic problem. There are far, far too many adjectives and adverbs and it is dragging your prose back. The reader can visualise much more that you think and does not need prompting to this degree. Don't take my word for it; this is a recommendation of Elmore Leonard. Be ruthless because it will be a major obstacle to getting commercially published.

I'll try to review a little more.

Jim

Hi there,
I noted you have a book posted on the site. I can’t swear it’s one I would like, but I’m happy to take a look if you’d like me to (always if time allows). My readings are usually of two or three chapters only; it’s enough to see if the book is going to grab the reader and identify major features of style, and by limiting myself it means I can look at more books. It follows that my comments are usually purely practical rather than comprising general praise. Often a book doesn’t appeal to me. This is a matter of taste and doesn’t imply criticism.

There’s no “charge”. You don’t have to back, star or even read my book and my response to yours will be unaffected by your response (or lack of response) to mine. I don’t trade backings. By all means trash my stuff. I like to laugh at my own pretensions.

Jim Williams
Death and the Tango in Madeira

Great pitch, and straight into the action in chapter 1, realistic characters and exciting plot...what more could we want.? On my W/L waiting to shelve. Best of luck with this Pamela.
Babs

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I only had time to read a couple of chapters last night but I enjoyed what I read. Backed.

Your pitch says it all - a riveting read.

backed with pleasure

Kenny

I've completed the first chapter. I found it to be very exciting and am hooked! I am backing you with sincere admiration for your great writing style and believable story. I'm sending you wishes for your publishing success. Sincerely. Marie -'Sun Shine and Rain'

THE OUTRAGE
Dear Pamela,
Delighted to have your book on my shelf for the third time - so good is this! Very best of luck and I've updated your star rating as it deserves more!
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

Hostage crises are a good way to get attention

And a building about to blow, plenty of tension here

Then the bang

The real element of tension in ch 1 was the lost partner. Knowing time is ticking, the explosion, the dread

You got my adrenaline pumping. I'll move to ch 7 as requested.

I'm glad we're in the kidnappers POv. Makes for interesting reading.

Interesting politics--there's a Robin Hood quality about this

I like what you're doing here. Martin. Such a great concept.

So many truths: the corruption, the pollution, the poverty. So much tension in the ideas; who will win Martin's heart.

I also appreciate the Desmond and Ape. Good characters.

This story is important, it's ideas are important--the oppressed people in its setting are important. And guns and bombs make it exciting. A lot of folks suffer in other countries over oil. It was nice to see the issue raised.

There's one other point I'll address in your messages.

Hi Pam,
I backed your book for a while recently and wonder if you are ready to swop backings?

Kind regards
Jenny
Lovesick

Pamela, Since I commented 79 days ago I was only to happy to show my support again when it matters... Backed again happily Patricia aka Columbia Layers of the Heart

This is a hot first chapter, Pamela, with great energy and a real sense of panic.

You can raise the heat even more by some minor edits - just some extra words that add nothing more to the story. For instance, "sudden rush of panic" doesn't need the word sudden, since a rush of panic is sudden. Another example would be (in the sweeping up of weapons) "to eliminate the slightest threat." But the threat of weapons is never slight. :) Another unnecessary one would be "the flames momentarily subsided, only to suddenly flare up again," when, I think this is more effective: " the flames subsided only to flre again." One more "briefly stopped and took a long, hard glare." That's inconsistent. If it's brief, the glare can't be long.

I don't normally focus in the on these kind of details, but the premise and the energy of the story is good, and with a scouring, the manuscript can shine. I will return to read on.

Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

Hi Pamela, You say you're working on the first chapter of OUTRAGE I agree that it needs tightening up; but not all that much. If you cut out all but the MOST ESSENTIAL words, the tension will be increased and the situation made more exciting and urgent. I've backed it and had it on my bookshelf for 2 days. Perhaps you would read some of my book, A Small Town by the Sea. Best wishes, Ena May.

Hi Pamela, I think I probably didn't express myself very well, (ouch! : ) ). What I meant to say was that although there is lots of exiting action in the opening of the story ( and I only read a bit) I lost interest because it felt 'told to me' rather than experienced directly by Zsa Zsa. Personally I would have been more strongly engaged if I could have experienced it more 'through her senses' as it were. It's the 'show not tell' trick, which works really well, - but you probably know about that and have chosen to do it your way. Wish you all the best. Marianne Rivera

A dramatic tale which I enjoyed some time ago. Stars, Lara
Good for Him

Dear Pamela, Although I can see a good story here for me there was a lot of telling and not a lot of showing, which got me bored quite quickly. I was wanting more of the personal experience of Zsa Zsa to really bring it alive. Best wishes, Marianne Rivera, Otti's Escape

The Outrage is a two-fisted thriller that starts out fast and gets better from there. Too many thrillers these days forget that what we really want out of this genre is action, and author Pamela Wootton gives it to us. Somehow she finds a way to also add in romance, and it seems completely natural due to the strong characters and crisp dialog. When you combine all that with the intricate settings and accurate executions of military-style operations, you end up with a book that’s a perfect summer vacation type of read. Backed with pleasure.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

I don't normally read this genre, so I hate to make any comments, other than it seems very action-packed and would translate well into a movie. :) Best of luck to you!

Chapter 1 opens with a tangible and emotional rendering of Zsa Zsa's search for Martin. The chapter draws the reader in and creates compassion for the main characters involvement. The second chapter gives the background, the history of Malanga and creates the backdrop for the story to follow. Chapter three elaborates on the backdrop and starts setting the stage creating anticipation for what is to follow. In chapter 4 Zsa Zsa's fears becomes reality and even though she is supposedly a hardened MI8 operative, the closeness of her relationship with Martin, described before, leads to an emotional response that is well captured. Chapter 5 describes the background and circumstances surrounding the kidnapping, creating a very believable reason for the kidnapping by giving the reader some understanding of the cause and events leading up to the leader of the kidnappers actions to pursue this career.
Overall well written and captivating.
In the pitch, the second mention of Malanga as "Malaga" needs some repairs. For some reason, sentences are sometimes stopped dead and then continues after a space in a new paragraph. Maybe that is an upload problem.

To Pamela Wootton,
Hi Pamela'

I gave you backing under the old system and now under this new one. As well as BACKING you I have a spot on my bookshelf for your book. Good luck.

Frank James (The Contractor)

Read the first chapter and liked what I read, so backing. Will come back to read more.

Only read the 1st couple of chapters and will try to read all. I think this may have been mentioned already but although you place us right in the middle of the conflict from the start I found you drifted into the back story too soon, well too soon for me. I needed to be gripped and held in Zsa Zsa's fear but it lost it a little.

Maybe the 1st chapter should concentrate only on her trying to find Martin and nothing more.

Your book is well written and moves at a good pace it just needs to be tightened up abit, of course this is only my opinion.

Backed,

Red

Pam, I just read through chapter 1 to 2 once again and they sound better, and flows smoothly than before. Well written and with a very authentic romantic appeal. Your tale is breathtaking and gripping. Don't stop till you get enough is what it is. Will continued. Goodluck:) x x x

Tracing original territory with the African terrorist angle and hangs together well. Pacy and well plotted. I would have liked a little more show in the opening chapter or two, a bit more action rather than a lot of explanatory backstory, but it reads generally well.
Happy to back
Kevin

Very active writing but some of the sentences are a little long, contain too much and spoil the tempo. This style of writing is very genre and normally written from the male viewpoint. Entertaining however and worth a backing.
Cheers, B. Cameron Lee (Diary of a Serial Killer)

I found this to be an entertaining read, especially due to the strong beginning. The writing is strong, the characters are big and the plot was strong. There is not a lot I can find fault with this, I liked this a lot. Backed.

The Nomad

THE ISLAND EXPERIMENT

Hi Pamela! Several weeks ago I commented and backed your work. :-) Happy to do it again. I know that many have said that my backings haven't registered - so I don't know if the problem is on my end or on the site or both. Let me know if it sticks this time. :-)

And thank you for backing LONDON.
blessings,
jim

Ok. I've now read 9 chapters. I've enjoyed the read - it's a good mix of action, espionage, 'romance' and location. A few comments for you to take or leave:
I wondered whether she would say all that at the start, when she's hunting desperately for him. It came over a tiny bit like she was saying it to give the reader info, as it was quite wordy for someone in a huge hurry and fearful of passing time.
I don't think you need the bit: '... instinctively imagining the troubled thoughts.......' when the building has blown up. He's cradling her, we know the man may still be inside, so it has enough impact without that bit.

I love chapter 16's description of place, and in fact, you do this well throughout. The market place and its people, the prison etc. are all well drawn and evocative. Overall a work full of tension, action and strong character. Will you be uploading more? Or is it not yet penned?

Hi there,
Well I read the first two chapters and the 16th. I think there are a number of places where you use too many words to say something that could be cleaner. For example, "the suspicions raised were that this was the tip of the iceberg." Why not, This was the tip of the iceberg. I love the airport security detail, especially the explanation of the liquids. ZsaZsa is that tongue in cheek? This is a very old school name in the US. When you describe their relationship you say, " their union was a very a passionate affair", this does not seem passionate. Try something like, "they were drawn to each other like moths to a five alarm fire." You are not writing a period piece in the 1890's, so make it racier. This also goes for the love scene, "his swollen man hood of substantial proportion? Why not use fewer but more descriptive words, gargantuan cock for example. Also again it feels like a historical fiction piece in the 1890's when you say "standing naked in their full glory" and also "seconds after their crescendo." This does not make me wet my pants, or even sweaty, which should be your goal if you are trying to drawn me into a hot love scene. Anyway, those are my observations and I hope its helpful.
Roberta

This is not a genre I would normally read. It has an exciting beginning which draws the reader in well. I find it difficult to make any constructive suggestions as I don't feel qualified to do so. I have already backed this for the verve with which you write.

Good luck with it

Jenny
Lovesick

Well-plotted and intriguing. This is adventure-packed with romance and will appeal to readers of the genre. Well done. Backed. All the best, Katherine - The Quizzical Wizards of Id.

Woah, that first scene was intense. It caused me wonder how I would react to that same situation as she. Oh man, I might have to look for it. I want to know what will happen if it will stop or not.

Millicent

Hi Pamela
I’ve just been reading through The Outrage and I’m afraid I can’t agree with most of the positive comments left for the book so far. I feel as if you need to focus on the basics of writing and I’m not sure that a full length novel is the best place for you to start. If you identify a fundamental problem with your writing then the whole book might need rewriting. If I were you I would try to find a group or a class that helps people develop their creative writing skills. They would focus on short pieces and this would enable you to improve your technique.

Having said all that, I believe that this site should offer honest feedback, and suggestions of how a writer might improve their writing. With this in mind these are my thoughts on the first chapter of The Outrage…

The problems start with the first paragraph…

“Martin! .... Martin! Where in God’s name are you? For chrissake, speak up and let me hear your welcome voice! Can you hear me? Your life is in terrible danger right now,” Zsa Zsa screamed as a sudden rush of panic set in on entering the foreboding building.

First of all the dialogue is not in context so the reader has no idea how to interpret it.

Martin! .... Martin! Where in God’s name are you?

Is this a mum calling upstairs for a teenage son who is late for school?

Is it a father wandering the streets of London wondering where his runaway son could possibly be?

Second, the dialogue itself is not realistic. An elite agent would never say something like, ‘For chrissake, speak up and let me hear your welcome voice! Can you hear me? Your life is in terrible danger right now!’

I can see what you are trying to do. You are trying to impart a sense of urgency, but 'Where in God’s name are you?' is something someone might say to themselves, it is not something they would say out loud.

Can you hear me? Again, this is redundant. ‘What’s the guy gonna do shout, ‘Yes, I can hear you!’ And then we have,’ let me hear your welcome voice!’ I know you want to convey how much she longs to hear his voice but no one would actually say this. And then the last… ‘Your life is in terrible danger… right now!’ Again you are trying to provide a sense of urgency, but this is not the way to do it.

Here’s how this first paragraph might read…
***
Special forces agent Zsa Zsa Jones burst into the deserted office building. The Malangan rebels were trying to cover their tracks and the entire place had been wired to blow. She had less than five minutes to find the hostages, before the building was reduced to rubble, five minutes to find her husband.

If he’s even here, she reminded herself.

Panic welled inside her but she thrust it aside as she sprinted from room to room.

‘Martin… Martin!’ There was an edge of hysteria in her voice but she couldn’t help it. She had to find him… she had too.

Heart pounding she kicked open another door, her HP5 submachine sweeping the room for any possible threat.

Damn it, Martin. Where are you?

Outside she could hear the crackle and pop of small arms fire. The last of the rebels covering their retreat as the military moved in. She looked at her watch… four minutes.
***
This has essentially the same elements as your version but the first thing I did was to set the scene, to tell the reader where the events are taking place, this puts them in context so that the reader can accurately interpret any description or dialogue that follows.

Next we come to something that every writer suffers from at some point… over-writing! Take this sentence for example…

She made a desperate attempt to filter out these extraneous sounds and banish them to the darkened corners of her subconscious, whilst she concentrated on hearing only a response from Martin.

Maybe this would work better...
***
She tried to filter out all extraneous noise, focusing only sounds that might lead her to the hostages; to Martin.
***

As a writer we are trying to convey what is in our mind accurately to the reader. Most of the time less is more… Here’s another example:
Within the maze of rooms several badly wounded bodies lay amongst those already bereft of life.

Those already bereft of life!? I take it from this that you mean dead!
***
Within the maze of rooms several badly wounded bodies lay amongst the dead. They posed no threat and Zsa Zsa had no time to treat them. She hurried on.
***
This sentence describes the scene but it also answers two questions that are likely to occur to the reader… are the wounded a threat and how does she respond to them. It suggests that given time she would not just ignore wounded people but it gives a reason for her actions. Boom! Scene… Response… Action! There’s no need to spend time explaining how guns were kicked out of their reach etc.

The same issues seem to crop up throughout the book. It seems as if you are trying to cram every thought that occurs to you into a sentence, whereas you might want to sit back and think about what it is you are trying to say before you begin to write.

Take this example from chapter eight…

‘Although Martin reserved a certain amount of sympathy for his captors, and their ill chosen motives, regarding opportunities for any real quality of life, he still could not truly advocate the act of kidnapping, for those actions alone could not change the long term future for the poor people of Malanga.’

This reads as quite a long and disjointed sentence. The essence of it could be distilled into a far smoother and more effective sentence, like this…
***
Martin could sympathize with the plight of his captors, but kidnapping foreign nationals was no way to improve the lives of the Malangan people.
***
I don’t know if you do it but have you ever tried reading you book out loud. It is a really good way of seeing how the text works. If you find you struggle to read it smoothly or the breaks don’t come at a natural place to take a breath then it soon becomes clear that something is wrong.

So there you go Pamela. Those are my thoughts on The Outrage. I hope you don’t find them too disheartening. Do try reading the book out loud. You might be surprised how much this can help.

In any case I wish you all the very best.

Peter

Strong enjoyable well paced thriller packed with drama and tension. Easy to emphasize with the characters and the plot is constantly on the move. Often direct and vibrant. Plenty of romance, action and intrigue. Backed.

Clive Radford
Unexpected Encounter

If the first few chapter are anything to go by, you seem to have nailed the important components of a good thriller.
Good pace, suspense, lots of questions and no answers and intrigue, all supported by good writing.
This must appeal to lovers of this genre. Backed. Margaret.

Hi Pamela- thank you for backing my book ! I enjoyed the fast-paced events in your book and began to get a real sense of alarm and intrigue avbout the unfolding story. I.M backing it!
HP

A heavy load of premise is backed up by a good strong piece of writing and some excellent control over the structure and style.

BACKED

This opens with a bang and keeps the action going all the way through the available chapters. A real 'take you out of your ordinary life' read, it should find a wide audience looking for escapist drama. Edging into the Black Lace genre with Leroy's contribution. I can't help wondering what comes after "having shared a special"? Is there bit missing?
Backed
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

Dear Pamela

Unlike morgan33, I believe that the medium has to aid the message. The length of your nicely balanced sentences and fairly long paragraphs detracts from the urgency of an exciting situation. Also your characters express incredibly detailed and articulate feelings and instructions in such a tense environment. My preference would be to keep the utterances terse and let the reader into the mind of the character for the justification. For example, the paragraph beginning 'Zsa Zsa glanced anxiously at her watch...' might read better something like this:

"Martin! Get out now!" She glanced at her watch. Three minutes before the building blew. By then we need to be well clear. If he really is in here, now's the time to let us know. Where the hell is he? (Last three sentences in italics to denote thought - sorry, my computer won't let me do it in these messages!)

In that same paragraph there's a lot of redundant words and phrases - we know she's anxious and desperate, no need to tell us. We know he can't be found, so 'wherever you are' isn't needed. If the limit is three minutes, no need for 'maximum', and a distance is 'away' in any case.

Once the building has blown, you can afford to become more reflective in sentence length etc.

Basically, I'm agreeing with several of your other commentators that it needs tightening. A criticism from which none of us is immune!

On a personal note, I can't take a main character called Zsa Zsa seriously!

All the same, good luck with it.

Yours
Colin Eston
Dying for Love

Pamela, your writing certainly flows but please make sure that you "show" more than that you tell. Make sure the reader can actually see the situation in his mind's eye instead of it being told to him. Also please be sparse with adjectives and adverbs and try to find the strongest verbs to express your meaning. Verbs are the vehicles of action and they "show' the most, invoke feelings in the reader. I hope you do not mind me lecturing here, it's only meant to help you gain a more powerful writing style. Lots of luck with rising in the ranks, Hannah

Good story. Almost reminds me of something out of a Chuck Norris or a Steven Segal movie, only more emotional. Nice job on the descriptions.
~Richard
Twin Fates

A compelling read with plenty to interest the reader. The sense of danger is very real and intense, best wishes for publication.

Clare
A Policeman's Lot