captain clyde --birth of a superhero? CHAPTER 2

So I'm thinking that this needs some work. First of all, there are some very odd phrasings. Things like "so they can practice their powers" just have a sort of strange-sounding ring to them and I'm not sure you couldn't have found a better way to say them. Also, there are too many shortcut phrases - things like "we arrived" and "we got aboard the ship" are just means of cutting out what could be a bigger description. I'd like to see more detail given. Next, although this isn't a huge deal, the pitch doesn't tell me much at all; it's more of a short pitch than a long pitch (and its supposed to be a long pitch!). Mainly, it just felt like you were trying to skip forward too quickly: you need to slow down and revel in each description. The idea is solid, but the way in which you tell what is happening is a bit dry and boring.

So I'm thinking that this needs some work. First of all, there are some very odd phrasings. Things like "so they can practice their powers" just have a sort of strange-sounding ring to them and I'm not sure you couldn't have found a better way to say them. Also, there are too many shortcut phrases - things like "we arrived" and "we got aboard the ship" are just means of cutting out what could be a bigger description. I'd like to see more detail given. Next, although this isn't a huge deal, the pitch doesn't tell me much at all; it's more of a short pitch than a long pitch (and its supposed to be a long pitch!). Mainly, it just felt like you were trying to skip forward too quickly: you need to slow down and revel in each description. The idea is solid, but the way in which you tell what is happening is a bit dry and boring.

Dear Jeff

loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha! I have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

A minimalist pitch, but we'll see where it goes from here...

Entertaining read. You've definitely got the makings of a superhero! Good dialogue and descriptive narrative. My one suggestion would be to break down your paragraphs into less intimidating bites. In the age of internet attention spans many will start skimming.

Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Dear Jeff, Well, here I am backing your 2nd book. :) And I see that another one is in the brew. :) A wonderful adventure. :) I like the way you make the lists which is a bonus to your story. :) Hopy you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow :)