Book Jacket

 

rank 5907
word count 19316
date submitted 21.08.2010
date updated 26.08.2010
genres: Science Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adu...
classification: universal
incomplete

captain clyde --birth of a superhero? CHAPTER 2

jeff krugler

the continuing journey of a pro--wrestler who becomes a superhero along with his friends --
CHAPTER 2

 

the crew builds thier base and starts their first mission... to bring back to prison the notorius gamesmaster and restore peace throughout the universes.

 
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tags

funny, humore, odd, science fiction, tex avery style humor, wierd, wrestling

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7 comments

 

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ikraft wrote 1335 days ago

So I'm thinking that this needs some work. First of all, there are some very odd phrasings. Things like "so they can practice their powers" just have a sort of strange-sounding ring to them and I'm not sure you couldn't have found a better way to say them. Also, there are too many shortcut phrases - things like "we arrived" and "we got aboard the ship" are just means of cutting out what could be a bigger description. I'd like to see more detail given. Next, although this isn't a huge deal, the pitch doesn't tell me much at all; it's more of a short pitch than a long pitch (and its supposed to be a long pitch!). Mainly, it just felt like you were trying to skip forward too quickly: you need to slow down and revel in each description. The idea is solid, but the way in which you tell what is happening is a bit dry and boring.

thebobster wrote 1335 days ago

So I'm thinking that this needs some work. First of all, there are some very odd phrasings. Things like "so they can practice their powers" just have a sort of strange-sounding ring to them and I'm not sure you couldn't have found a better way to say them. Also, there are too many shortcut phrases - things like "we arrived" and "we got aboard the ship" are just means of cutting out what could be a bigger description. I'd like to see more detail given. Next, although this isn't a huge deal, the pitch doesn't tell me much at all; it's more of a short pitch than a long pitch (and its supposed to be a long pitch!). Mainly, it just felt like you were trying to skip forward too quickly: you need to slow down and revel in each description. The idea is solid, but the way in which you tell what is happening is a bit dry and boring.

name falied moderation wrote 1335 days ago

Dear Jeff

loved your short and long pitch both really sell your book which they are meant too so CONGRATS, and love the way you write. Your ability with words to craft an orginal read is amazing. the characters have decided to take up permanent residence but i will insist they leave soom to go home. ha! I have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

thebobster wrote 1336 days ago

A minimalist pitch, but we'll see where it goes from here...

Craig Ellis wrote 1336 days ago

Entertaining read. You've definitely got the makings of a superhero! Good dialogue and descriptive narrative. My one suggestion would be to break down your paragraphs into less intimidating bites. In the age of internet attention spans many will start skimming.

Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

SusieGulick wrote 1336 days ago

Dear Jeff, Well, here I am backing your 2nd book. :) And I see that another one is in the brew. :) A wonderful adventure. :) I like the way you make the lists which is a bonus to your story. :) Hopy you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

SusieGulick wrote 1336 days ago

:) comment to follow :)

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