Shoan

also: directing the woman to the woman..too many "woman" in the same sentence.
also: the name Niamh....you have spelled Nlamh at one point in the first chapter...

I think this is a good start and you have kept good questions going and (I feel) started at a good point. Most people (myself incleded) have a hard time to find that preceise point when to begin the story...this is good...a catching intro...good questions and scenery...

Well good luck,
K N Gee
Phoenix Feathers

Hello,
This is a good start and I hate to be cliche but I love anything vampire (reflected in light or dark).
a few things:
In the firat parag. 1st chpt- instead of vat that holds---maybe over a vat holding...and don't tell us it's revolting maybe "revolting just doesnt cover it" or somthing like that.

also:
In your discription of George...the words are a little hard to follow. Try to split some of the senteces into two or three. I found that the scarring of his face took me another read through to catch a pic in my mind.

also:
"tight to open" just doenst fit...not sure what would beside's hard or something but tight is a stretch (no pun intended)

Hello,
This is a good start and I hate to be cliche but I love anything vampire (reflected in light or dark).
a few things:
In the firat parag. 1st chpt- instead of vat that holds---maybe over a vat holding...and don't tell us it's revolting maybe "revolting just doesnt cover it" or somthing like that.

also:
In your discription of George...the words are a little hard to follow. Try to split some of the senteces into two or three. I found that the scarring of his face took me another read through to catch a pic in my mind.

also:
"tight to open" just doenst fit...not sure what would beside's hard or something but tight is a stretch (no pun intended)

As someone already mentioned there are punctuation issues with this. But it is an interesting premise. Best wishes with your work!

Debra

Thank you for the backing ladies, I am still in the process of editing it, as of late I tried to bring down the run-on sentences, unnecessary and repetitive wording but it will take time.

Thank you again and enjoy the new year.

Rionach

Backed Shoan. Great beginning with Shoan hanging over a vat of blood and roting bodies surrounded by vampires. If that wasn't bad enough, he is then banished from his homeland. He has to wonder the world insearch of his true love. Can't wait to find out how this ends. Good job.

When you have time we suggest editing for punctuation. We just did a rewrite uisng suggestions from readers on Autlhonomy.

Example:
He caught me and now I have to figure a way out of this. Should be- He caught me, and now I have to figure a way out of this.

Example: The run on sentence below could be fixed several ways, but I we gave one example of how you might change it.

Listen George I know you’re not as dumb as your retarded brother, but you are uglier than rotting corpse, and I know I would enjoy another chance with your sister-” As I liked my lips I was hit from behind and everything went black.

Listen George, I know you’re not as dumb as your retarded brother. But you are uglier than rotting corpse, and I know I would enjoy another chance with your sister.” As I liked my lips, I was hit from behind. Everything went black.
Good luck!
CC Brown

All chapters are adjusted, I hope that it makes it a more satisfying read....Happy New Year everyone.

Rionach

Shoan was recommended by CC Brown author of Dark Side (Vampire Novel). I have BACKED and rated your work. By the way, I am really enjoying it. I've made it to chapter 3. Hope you have time to take a look at Dark Side and find a place for it on your shelf. Thanks!
Sue50

Up to chapter 6 has been adjusted. Please feel free to comment on the changes if you have read before, I hope that you will enjoy it.

Rionach

For those who have looked before and those who will in the future, I have changed the prologue I hope you enjoy the changes. I will be adjusting all chapters as I go along, please be patient.

Rionach

Good start with Shoan hanging upside down in the well!. Raises lots of questions and I wanted to read on to find some answers.. Who is he? How did he get there and what will happen to him?
I liked the dialogue between George , Sully and the MC. It helps the reader find out more about Shoan. We learn he is immortal. He seems to find it difficult to be serious. Even in his predicament, he insults his captors, joking about their sister which may not be a good idea, given the circumstances. He's got a sense of humour and mocks them for being stupid, but it gets him into trouble. I'm thinking he might not be so clever himself by insulting his captors when he is hanging upside down in a well. Truth is, he seems brash and overconfident and although I wouldn't want him to be badly hurt, I don't like him at the moment.
The room where he wakes up is sinister. Waking up to find yourself surrounded by vampires is not a good sign, whoever you are! I liked his thought about there being many suns shining on him and burning his eyes, until he realises it is lights and candles...effective description.
.So we learn he has messed with the wrong girl and now he will have to pay for the trouble he has caused.. The mysterious female mixes blood for him to drink and reveals he has a destiny but does not know if good or bad., Then Shoan is banished from Ireland and his home. He must wander alone until he finds a true love. I felt more sympathy for him when he cried and thought about his family. Perhaps his punishment is well chosen. Shoan doesn't believe in true love and it looks like he'll be wandering on his own for a very long time, but maybe he will learn to love?
Chapter One introduces Shoan as he wakes up in modern times. He is with a girl and thinks he will finish with her. He doesn't like seeing a woman many times. He reflects on his long life so far and his experiences in Greece, with thoughts of the ancient gods, his past cruelty, his inability to find a soul-mate and his loyal friend Antonius. Antonius reveals how the women think him very handsome and suspect he is a god.The market and shipyard in Greece are well described.
I see this as potentially different from the usual vampire stories, because the MC changes through the many years he lives and begins to learn and perhaps even find a woman to love. I have no real knowledge or expertise in this popular genre, but I'm pretty sure yours will need to have an original approach if it is to stand out and be noticed by an editor or publisher. Best of luck with it.
There's a few editing problems that need sorting. For example, I noticed you have "Kings' diner". I think you mean "King's dinner". And "Kings' lead trireme..." should be "King's lead trireme..."
I will back when I can.
Cherry G.
The Girl From Ithaca

SHOAN: You have some good stuff here. I like the history of the Roman gods that you have weaved into the story. I think that with some editing, this could be very good. You might want to look at how much backstory is necessary up front and how much you can add in later. I like that Shoan is hanging upside down in a well (well, maybe not like that he is, but it has the promise of an intriguing plot line). I also like the promise of plot with the ship being mangled.

Heidi
Pearl Edda

I enjoy the little fairytale twist for the storyline, very creative.
Your pitch was quite alluring. Interesting names and great M.C's.
I'll shelf you, so I can go back and check this out! good stuff.

DJ.Berquist
http://dianajanesworld.webs.com

FORBIDDEN BLOOD.
My KILLER INTUITION.

brut / brute? When I was younger brut was an aftershave - pretty powerful stuff so it might be strong enough to knock you out! :D
You clearly have a bit of editing to do but this is a popular genre and you have the bones of a good story here.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

Very interesting style and narative. I found this most entertaining and the dialogue believable.

Very good

The Mind Setter

Shoan is an unusual and enticing narrative which is sure to delight readers of vampire tales. Backed.

I really enjoyed this and truly wish I had time (and the eye power) to read the entire thing! I liked all your characters, i think they are each memorable and strong in their own right. With all the fantasy and vampires out there, it's hard to have something that stands out. I think yours does, it's unique premise and feels new. You've done a nice job with this, a nice writing style. Good luck with this!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Hi Rionach. You have an interesting storyline here, and some good characters with some decent dialogue, but it seems you have some work ahead of you to knock the whole thing into shape. There is a fantasy thread on Authonomy, where you can introduce yourself and your work:

http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/56274/oh-come-all-ye-fantasy-writers-/

You can ask for some constructive criticism and feedback. They have helped me improve my work, and there is a lot of experience there waiting to be tapped.

Good luck with Shoan. KA.

I loved the hook, first paragraph, though I did wonder how the narrator wrote all this while hanging upside down! I like the fast paced, economic style. This author knows the craft. I will back with pleasure.

F. Ellsworth Lockwood
"The Final Cruise"

Hi Rionach, I've really enjoyed the first few chapters of your book. I didn't think your pitch did it justice, as it was a bit confusing, so I've done a quick edit, which I hope is helpful to your cause.

"You will wander the world, the centuries will pass, until you find and save your soul's true heart."

True love is a fairy tale -- right? Soul mates are things of Cinderella and the likes. So how are you supposed to find the person that will make your life whole again?

How about the book of the dead? Is that a fairy tale? What if I told you it contains the power to create Vampires, cure diseases,and even create new beings?

Morrigan is a powerful vampire who doesn't feel she is ready to be judged. To avoid it, she places a curse on Shoan, an immortal bounty hunter of the demonic, decreeing that he must find his love --his soul mate --, before he is allowed to pass judgement on her.

After a night out with a friend, Thiea discovers that she is a powerful spell-caster, a witch. She learns of her place in the upcoming war and her ability to stop the evil.

But can she? What can she do? Will Morrigan be able to stop Shoan? Will Shoan find his soul mate? Who's destiny will win?


I hope this helps. Feel free to ignore, of course.

Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline and created most memorable main characters in Shoan and Theia. I also really like your use of the first person narrative voice. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Rionach: do apologize for this spam comment but I did BACK your book. Though my book is currently on the Ed's Desk, I can still use your comments on my book before the end of this month. Thanks - cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

SHOAN
This is a good vampire story. You’ve obviously put a lot of thought into this fantasy world and it shows in your ability to construct both interesting characters and settings. Your dialogue surprised me; I thought vampires were more sophisticated than this, but okay. I don’t think there are any in my neighborhood, so what do I know? And either way, it’s a good read. I’m happy to add it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3rd place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Dear Rionach

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Happy to back you, but if you want more members to read, comment on and back your book, you need to step up ad place some of their books on you shelf.

Rodney

Dear Rionach, I love the immortal bounty hunter idea. :) Vampires scare me, but this is fantasy, so anything can happen. :) Your pitch filled me in & curosity killed the cat, but information brought it back. :) I love your large lettering which provides for an easy read. :) Plus, you tight paragraphs & dialogue help me to keep reading. :) I've backed your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir books. :) Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
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"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."