Book Jacket

 

rank 1186
word count 50530
date submitted 26.08.2010
date updated 19.04.2014
genres: Popular Culture, Instructional, Com...
classification: adult
complete

How To Get Away With Murder In New York

Michael Schwed

This book takes a hysterical look at the criminal justice system. I laughed myself silly writing it.

 

This book is an irreverent look at crime and the criminal justice system in New York,. More than that, it is a satirical view of society where almost anything can be merchandised, even murder. The book demonstrates how murders can be planned and executed flawlessly while at the same time it kills the reader with laughter. This book is so funny that you will want several copies so that you can read it over and over again.

 
rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

 

tags

, humor, legal, political, social comment

on 20 watchlists

60 comments

 

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

subscribe to comments for this book
Tod Schneider wrote 572 days ago

Highly amusing, equally appalling, tongue firmly in cheek, this is a refreshing yet shocking look at homicide in the big Apple. Well written, certainly! Best of luck with this!
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

patio wrote 725 days ago

I thought Authonomy was for amateur writers. Or have I read wrong? You are pro! wow, your work is immaculate. You hooked me from the start. The information well researched and presented well. Its easy to read and understand. I definitely want a hard copy.

rastafolux wrote 741 days ago

I am glad you enjoyed the book. As far as a barf bag goes, they are available on most airlines and can be used to effectively to hide marajuana. You must of course use the bag in order to cover up the marajuana. The presence of vomit in the bag deters security from searching, though , it could also discourage you from smoking the weed, which is not a bad thing. If you don't like people sitting next to you on the plane just take out the bag and cough a few times and you'll feel like you're sitting in business class. thanks again, Mike

Well, I am now highly motivated by your Helpful Guide to Murder, Michael. My mind is busy thumbing through a mental phone book of victims as I write. I have learned so much. I adore this! And I guarantee the Brits will love it - it matters not a jot that it is written about New York - this is humour that will go down perfectly in the UK. Six stars. Well done! Natalie
PS: Where can I buy a barf bag?

Natalie1 wrote 741 days ago

Well, I am now highly motivated by your Helpful Guide to Murder, Michael. My mind is busy thumbing through a mental phone book of victims as I write. I have learned so much. I adore this! And I guarantee the Brits will love it - it matters not a jot that it is written about New York - this is humour that will go down perfectly in the UK. Six stars. Well done! Natalie
PS: Where can I buy a barf bag?

Natalie1 wrote 742 days ago

I am going to enjoy reading this Michael - I've managed the first chapter and it's hilarious! Just my kind of satirical book! If ever I decide to commit a crime in New York I will certainly hire you to get me off ;-) I've backed it because I love your style from your previous work and this looks as if it won't disappoint. Natalie (The diary of John Crow)

Wanttobeawriter wrote 761 days ago

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER
What a good idea for a book: both entertaining and practical. I enjoyed your writing style: clear and crisp with a hint of humor besides. I’m sure you’re going to find a wide audience for this not ony among people who are planning a murder, but all of those like me who are just interested in learning more about the legal system. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

bigmouth wrote 814 days ago

Hugely politically incorrect but great fun. I fear the New York angle makes it less attractive to a global publisher but if it was reworked in a more general way I think you could be on to something!

CitCat wrote 815 days ago

This is very wicked and funny. Shelved by me!

Linda Lou wrote 818 days ago

HOWTO GET AWAY WITH MURDER IN NEW YORK
MICHAEL SCHWED
hullo Michael. I regret not reading this book sooner. I spent the majority of the day in my office, at home since I do work for the GOV, reading this to the end. Anyone who was listening must have heard me laughing over and over. As a member of the Mystery Writers of America, I will be in New York for our Edgar Award's in April. Other than the fact that I would thoroughly enjoy meeting either of the authors of this book, you should consider joining MWA since it is indeed a mystery how this 'book' has not been snatched up by editors and publishers standing in line to learn your tricks. Very funny in the total truthfulness of your subject. My MS is not really a comedy since serious killers are not often considered amusing but you might enjoy peeking at it for a brief moment being as how you are no doubt familiar with murder. And thanks for that. You have been starred! LLL

strachan gordon wrote 947 days ago

An hilarious first chapter and I must say , if you have spent that amount of time in the jungle of the American Justice system , then I feel the utmost respect for you it makes most other forms of employment seem issue and risk free. Watchlisted and starred . I wonder if you would have the time to look back at some Piratical miscreants in the 17th century in my novel 'A Buccaneer' , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon.

Killer Queen wrote 1030 days ago

Its a brave person that labels there own book funny since whats funny to one, not necessary to another ,... but this lives up to the billing ... Its a hoot.. Looking forward to reading more

KQ

elmo2 wrote 1032 days ago

it's funny, waiting for the legalese, i am sure you get to it later on in the book, i only read the first couple chapters, had some good laughs, i love your shameless promotion, even in your book description, can you keep the laughs coming for the whole book, i am betting that you can, well black humor is much better than vitriol i think, that might read to murder and a good reason for reading your book and you don't need to do it seeing you wrote it, i am glad to give this book a good rating and put it on my watch list, i will most likely back it soon, as soon as i move some books off my shelf, i would appreciate it if you gave a look at one of my pieces, i just put up a piece called 'the noise not heard' that i would like a comment on

Raymond Terry wrote 1055 days ago

Well if this isn't just an absolute hoot then I don't know what else it could be. Legal, without the obtuse legalese jargon most lawyers crave from infancy (or at least from the first year of law school), and thoroughly deserving of several stars. OK, dare I mention that there are some typos and editing slips?

Oh well, forget I mentioned the typos and editing, I could have been confused. I frequently am, confused that is and at the least I was out of town when the typos occurred. Besides, nobody saw me anywhere near the manuscript when I was reading. The last thing in the world I want to do here is set myself up for a revenge killing by either of these two guys. They know all the angles.

And to think that all this time I have been transporting a shovel around in my truck in case I had to deal with a sudden death when there were so many things I didn't know.

Right now I'm going to sit down with a fag and read this again. It was that much fun. And by the way, forget the index. When I grew up a fag was a cigarette, or maybe a stick. I suppose either one could be considered a contact weapon though...As I told you, I get confused. RT

Nigel Fields wrote 1169 days ago

Cleverly written. Loved the format and humor. Kudos, and 6 stars!
Cheers!
John B Campbell

Rhonda9080 wrote 1170 days ago

Crime and satire!!! Awesome!!! Have you been a lawyer in another life? I did a lot of crime reporting for a while, and you've nailed it. Big 6 stars!!!

billysunday wrote 1194 days ago

Funny, clever, and very cynical! Love it and will buy for myself and friends for Christmas. Good luck.

billysunday wrote 1196 days ago

This is hysterical! Your dry sense of humor and legalese make me continue to read!

billysunday wrote 1197 days ago

Sad to say it's easier to get away with murder than be convicted. Look forward to your read. If time, try 33 out. Dina

billysunday wrote 1197 days ago

Sad to say it's easier to get away with murder than be convicted. Look forward to your read. If time, try 33 out. Dina

Zangler wrote 1269 days ago

backed for now and happy to do it.
Good luck with it.
Crossing The Line
Christopher

LonnieNonnie wrote 1273 days ago

Thank God for the comments! Ploughing through all to see what it was I liked - doing the ratings via the "stars" and as and when I can, will re-back all the books I really enjoyed or which showed promise, in my humble opinion. The Tails of Willie Gusty.

D K Willis wrote 1280 days ago

There's an old expression, "If you can do it, it ain't bragging." You proved this by backing up your claim to be humorous by being very humorous. I thought this was a terrific satire. Very amusing despite the delicate subject matter. Good job. I hope this book gets the attention it deserves. Backed with pleasure.

DK WILLIS
THE THIEF ON THE CROSS

ccb1 wrote 1294 days ago

Added How to Get Away with Murder....to our watchlist. Interesting title. Will read and comment on later.
CC Brown
Dark Side

CarolinaAl wrote 1298 days ago

You provide us an ingenous, zany instructional book. Laugh-out-loud humor. Wonderfully wacky writing. A most entertaining read. Backed.

LonnieNonnie wrote 1299 days ago

Ah, the promise-all pitch… Well, after reading 'other appropriate forms of retribution, how can I do anything but gush? However, you are right, this is very funny indeed. I can well believe there must have been endless giggles writing this. At last, another really funny book. Absolution is my other favourite on this site. Well written too, curses. Best of luck with this. I am sure the first publisher (in New York) you send it to will pick it up. The Tails of Willie Gusty.

LonnieNonnie wrote 1299 days ago

Ah, the promise-all pitch… Well, after reading 'other appropriate forms of retribution, how can I do anything but gush? However, you are right, this is very funny indeed. I can well beleive there must have been endless giggles writing this. At last, another really funny book. Absolution is my other favourite on this site. Well written too, curses. Best of luck with this. I am sure the first publisher (in New York) you send it to will pick it up. The Tails of Willie Gusty.

Mona0622 wrote 1301 days ago

This was great! You definately accomplished the satire you were looking for! I have nearly finished "Chapter 2" (really chapter 1) and plan to read the rest of it very soon. I just wanted to post this before I forgot. Two of my personal favorite lines were "Reach out and grab that piece of the apple – you deserve it" and "Public education – The success of the brain by-pass". I would have been laughing hysterically if I hadn't been in the library. {It was a bad decision on my part to decide to read this in the library, but I had to deal the consqences (ie. side-stitch). It was well worth it though.} Sorry if you think that I'm very long-winded. You wouldn't be the first.

cooee wrote 1303 days ago

How our minds work always amaze me. Certainly a clever and interesting premise, and humorous in places. One can't help wonder how many would buy this, missing the point of the narrative.

Well done.

yasmin esack wrote 1305 days ago

How clever!

Why do you use capitals as in Muders and Private University. Wondered.

I like this
Backed

TMNAGARAJAN wrote 1307 days ago

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER......
The enticing Introduction induced me to read this book, and I read it partly, not banking upon the so called money back gurantee! Humorous. Enjoyable. Backed.
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

Leslie Rocker wrote 1308 days ago

I welcomed the opportunity to look at this book as so few on authonomy claim to be humorous. The idea is great and obviously supported by sound background experience. Dealing with a subject like this, however, I think one has to be very careful not to play it too straight. Although it is very funny in parts, there are times when it seems to drift into instruction, rather than comedy. But perhaps that is the intention ! I would suggest tightening and lightening the prose to make sure the comic element is always kept foremost.
It also needs editing. I do not usually bother with grammatical or spelling errors, but I found more than there should be. For example I found "peace" instead of "piece"; "lead" not "led", "considered" not "consider", and an instrusive apostrophe - and that was in a quick read.
I hope this does not sound too negative, because the book has promise and I am happy to back it.
One final caveat : what if someone else has read the book and already has their eyes on the millions one has stashed away in the bank ? Fortunately, I do not live in New York and am even less likely to now !
Please have a look at Adam's Apple. It might give you a laugh too.
Leslie Rocker

Iva P. wrote 1309 days ago

Got to have a close look at Aunt Eunice's will. She's got a cat too. ;)

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

M.H.Thonger wrote 1309 days ago

An excellent read and one that should be in the book stores.
Backed with pleasure.
Regards
Mike- The Compulsive Adventurer

Glenn_Johnstone wrote 1309 days ago

Very funny book - one that is hard to put down once you start reading!

Best of luck, and backed with best wishes

Glenn Johnstone (Darkling Child)

M.H.Thonger wrote 1310 days ago

Spotted your book on the new list so i have put it on my watchlist.
Please read ' the compulsive adventurer' for a rollicking good journey!
Thanks
mike

Diana-Jane wrote 1311 days ago

HAHAHA I love the instruction manual in the beginning and how you get your money back!!
That is hilarious!! I'm putting you on my list till I read more!! Which will eventually end up being on my shelf!

Good work! So far from what I've read, definitely worthy of publishing! Great shit! NYC baby!
P.S
If you have time, I'd really appreciate it, if you can check out one of my books. I think My Killer Intuition may be more to your liking! Thanks again for a great read!

DJ.Berquist
http://dianajanesworld.webs.com

MY KILLER INTUITION.
FORBIDDEN BLOOD.

Sylvia Lumley wrote 1314 days ago

I don't know what Vanessa means by 'too American'. I'm as English as they come and I love this.

GK Stritch wrote 1315 days ago

How to Get Away With Murder in New York, hmmm, let me count the ways. Money? Connections? Lots of money? A good hiding place in the Meadowlands, Jimmy Hoffa? And, of course, more money? New York, New York, bro. How come this killer title isn't published?

By the way, Schweds, my cover would look great on your New York-centic shelf.

Backed and best.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

La Marmonie wrote 1317 days ago

I'm not sure I should be reading this stuff let alone backing it! But it made me laugh. So I am.

Will you take a look at God of the Cocoa. I would be pleased if you comment, and if it deserves it, please back it. Thanks
Best Wishes - BACKED
Marilyn

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 1318 days ago

I found this all a bit too much to digest...maybe the idiom is just too American for me!
Best wishes
Stewart

rommyo wrote 1318 days ago

Guys, this is a brilliant concept for a book. See "A Handbook on Hanging"--seriously, see it. Order it from Amazon right now, if you don't know what I'm talking about.

You're smart, but I used to work at "The American Lawyer" magazine and I know: lawyers (largely) have no literary talent.

Your impulses here make me sad, because this would stand out like a wart on a bald head were it executed brilliantly. It would possibly be a sensation. You wouldn't even be here. You'd be at some New Yorker party being literary, legal, satirical heroes.

Find a brilliant ghost-writer who can bring these satirical notions you're hatching into being. I don't know where to start.

What I'm telling you: this sucks. I assume whoever wrote most of this has enough literary pretensions for that to hurt, but seriously: it's a great idea, some of the material here is brilliant, and 99.99%(that is accurate) of people cannot write comic prose. You're tugging on Superman's cape even TRYING to write comic prose--Woody Allen can't do it, almost nobody can. I see your motivation, it's a GREAT idea, so find a literary genius to help. Sorry?

Andrew Burans wrote 1318 days ago

Your long pitch was "dead" on and I thoroughly enjoyed what you have posted so far. You brought a smile to my face on more than one occassion. You know your subject matter extremely well and your smooth flowing writing style is perfect for this genre of book. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

andrew skaife wrote 1319 days ago

Funny. Apposite. Unpretentious. Keenly observed and thoroughly compelling.

BACKED with a giggle in the gut and some second thoughts to be thirding!

Andrew Foley Jones wrote 1320 days ago

having contented with actus reus and mens rea through a fraught criminal law semester this at first brought back memories of dread of our lecturer,a bloated and arrogant man, resembling, when at times, tanned, a space hopper. If only you were that lecturer. A premise that is sublime and I can see, in the periphery of my vision, someone has said the same. I love the introduction and the discount voucher that I have printed off, just in case. Congratulations.

Gary Wedlund wrote 1320 days ago

This is an outstanding premise and a great execution. Well above the average slop on this site. I give it five stars. Oh, that doesn't mean anything? Alright, I'll back it. And, take a look at Satan's Daughter Goes to Pittsburgh. It is another true story about things going badly. Now, if I could only convince myself I wanted to do a crime. Nope, it just ain't in me.

Loved it. Backed it.

Again, check out Satan's Daughter. You'll like it. Also creative and penned by a pro.

rastafolux wrote 1320 days ago

Bundy wanted to be caught. Besides, he killed for fun and that is a NO NO.

It would be easier if I had an identical twin.
This is a good book for anyone who has ever contemplated offing someone they hate.
Valuable pointers on what to avoid.
Thanks for writing this.
I could never figure out why Ted Bundy went to Florida.

Strayer wrote 1320 days ago

It would be easier if I had an identical twin.
This is a good book for anyone who has ever contemplated offing someone they hate.
Valuable pointers on what to avoid.
Thanks for writing this.
I could never figure out why Ted Bundy went to Florida.

Sharon.v.o. wrote 1320 days ago

Michael,
I found myself giggling at my computer. This reminds me of the old instructional videos they made in the 50's. Those were unintentionally funny. This is just funny.
Good luck with it.
Sharon Van Orman
Eve, an Eden's Exiles novel

Nikki B wrote 1321 days ago

funny, funny, funny stuff. Happily backed!

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 1322 days ago

Dear Michael,
Cute, funny, humorous, witty - I like it!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

12