MAKING THE HIT
Picture yourself in the reserve seats behind home plate at Shea Stadium (That is the home ball park where the New York Mets play - For those of you unfamiliar with the Mets they are an alleged baseball team). You have waited patiently through nine innings of play for an opportunity to make your hit. (No you are not a baseball player. The term hit is used to denote the execution of your murder plan. That does not mean that every time you see the word hit you should use this definition. If for example a reviewer of this book were to call it a hit that wouldn't necessarily mean that the book has made a killing, unless of course the publisher's sales figures can verify that).
Getting back to our ball game, it is now the ninth inning and the Mets are leading one to nothing. The opposing team has two out but they have loaded the bases. The batter has a two strike three ball count against him and the Met Manager has just made a trip to the mound to replace him with Doc Gooden. (He is not a Medical Doctor, or any other kind of Doctor. He was a famous Met pitcher who usually sees a Doctor for some sort of medical problem). Your heart leaps with excitement. Doc Gooden is your target and in a few seconds he will be within easy rifle range. You pick up your bass fiddle case, ask the person in the seat next to you to hold it, as you open the case and remove your semi-automatic rifle. You place the gun to your shoulder and take careful aim at your target. Doc Gooden begins to go into his wind-up. His left arm jerks backward as he prepares to fire the ball toward the batter. The base runners begin to move. You slowly squeeze the trigger as the gun's barrel is directed at his heart.
(At this point some of you may be finding it difficult to imagine yourself about to take out Doc Gooden). You might very well be demanding to know what your motivation is for this action. Since it is imperative that you vividly picture this illustration in your mind, we feel it is necessary to provide some details to justify your actions. If you are having no difficulty visualizing murdering Doc Gooden then simply skip to the next paragraph. For those needing motivational details, further imagine that you are an employee of the Mets working in a clerical position in the business office. You have just learned that your raise request has been denied and have been further informed that because the Mets are contractually forced to pay Gooden a yearly salary of $5,000,000.00 (Five Million Dollars), you and 25 other clericals are being laid off. Further imagine that you have a wife and eight kids, no savings in the bank, and there are three more shopping days to Christmas).
Three sharp bursts from your gun explode shattering the silence of the crowd as Doc Gooden releases the ball and falls to the ground. Strike three the empire bellows as the crowd cheers fanatically. The Mets have won the game, Gooden is dead and you are being escorted from the ball park by forty heavily armed guards who are attempting to prevent a rather vicious crowd from tearing your heart out. Needless to say you won't be getting that raise and Santa will not be visiting your kids this Christmas. The only bright note is that 25 clericals will get their jobs back, and the Mets will make a bundle from their insurance company.
What went wrong and why? You made an excellent choice for a "For Profit" Murder and you selected an excellent weapon. You executed your plan with precision and accomplished your goal. But, and this is a big but (and the word Butt could be substituted here since you've been a big ass), you've gotten caught! Wait you say, you wouldn't have done it this way. Well, who, for the last five minutes or so has been visualizing it and who saw himself caught! Those guards weren't dragging us out. However, stop protesting and learn from your mistake. Start again at the beginning of this chapter and re-read all the material up to this point.
Well, you see the outcome is still the same, you have visualized yourself arrested. Don't try to blame the authors for what's happened just accept the fact that you are not perfect and open yourself up to this learning experience. After all, you would not be reading this book if you didn't need our help. Now hopefully after making the same mistake twice you have gained some insight into your errors. Think over in your mind what might have caused your errors. After you feel you have pinpointed the flaw in your actions take the quiz that follows:
QUIZ THAT FOLLOWS:
This is a multiple choice test and there is only one question. Read the question carefully.
QUESTION #1 In the DOC GOODEN hit, that you just visualized, please rank from 1 to 9 the elements of that hit which were incorrect and most likely led to your arrest. Place the number on the line next to each statement.
A. The Mets would never be winning 1-0 in the ninth .
B. There are no semi-automatic rifles .
C. There were too many witnesses at the scene .
D. Gooden is a starting Pitcher and would never be called on in relief .
E. A New Yorker would never be so nice as to hold your fiddle case while you took out the rifle .
F. No baseball games are played three days before Christmas .
G. You should have fired the gun when the crowd was screaming, so the sound would have been muffled .
H. Gooden is not a left handed pitcher .
I. If you build it, he will come .
QUESTION #2 Circle the letter containing the correct number.
A. E = MC (squared)
B. Density equals the volume divided by the mass
C. Dan Quayle
E. 12, 16, 35
If you placed 9 next to C in question one you are absolutely correct and may credit yourself with 100 points. C is the best answer because it is the presence of all those spectator witnesses that lead to your apprehension. Some of you are no doubt complaining since you placed a 1 next to C assuming 1 was the best and 9 the worst. Since we did not indicate in the question whether we required you to place a 9 or 1 next to the best answer and then continue in either ascending or descending order it was an error on your part to assume anything. Nevertheless you may score 75 points if you placed a one next to C intending 1 to be the best answer. On the other hand placing a 9 next to C was equally an assumption and therefore those who had a 9 next to C must subtract 10 points from their score for guessing. If you did not write any numbers next to any of the letters because you realized the question failed to specify whether the number 1 or the number 9 was the best choice you may give yourself 100 points for following directions. However, since you also demonstrate a total lack of initiative, inventiveness or daring you must also subtract 50 points for being a CLOD. You are probably the type of person who will back up traffic for miles because you would not go through a red traffic signal that is broken and stuck on red.
Continuing with our scoring, you may collect 10 credits for not placing any number next to A, B, or D which are wrong answers. Take off 15 points for each one you selected. If you picked G as the best answer give yourself 15 points. Although firing the gun while the crowd is cheering will not draw attention to you, anyone standing holding a rifle will draw some curious glances. Nevertheless since it is the second best choice you are entitled to the points.
If you answered question 2 deduct 40 points. The Quiz stated there was only one question. If you chose D for the answer to question 2 give yourself 40 points for choosing the right answer. Since D is the only choice that contains a number,singular, (16) and the question asked you to circle the correct number, D is the only possible choice utilizing deduction reasoning. If you circled any other answer take off an additional 20 points.
If your total score is 93 or better you might consider writing your own book. If you did poorly do not be disheartened. After all it is the purpose of this book to teach you the procedures that will prevent you from being arrested. Once you have finished this chapter you may go back to the "Quiz that Follows" and retake the test. (This is optional).
If you do retake the test do not be surprised if you score much higher the next time.
From the visualization exercise and the quiz you should realize how important it is to avoid any possibility of leaving witnesses to your murder. (If you do not realize this, do not retake the quiz). This is the first of the three imperatives that are absolutely necessary to avoid arrest. The three imperatives are:
FIRST IMPERATIVE: LEAVE NO WITNESS
SECOND IMPERATIVE: DISCARD THE WEAPON AT THE
THIRD IMPERATIVE: KEEP YOUR BIG MOUTH SHUT!
We will begin our discussions with the First imperative. These imperatives are mandatory rules which must not be violated. As the term imperative implies, it is imperative that you follow them. Try thinking of them as if they were commandments carrying the same force and effect as the Ten Commandments do. If you obey these three rules no court of law in the United States of America will ever be able to convict you of your murder. If you overlook any one of these imperatives you are likely to be rewarded with arrest and conviction.
I. THE FIRST IMPERATIVE -- LEAVE NO WITNESS
A witness to the crime can also become a witness at your trial. All the witness needs to say is that he saw you shoot Aunt Bertha. If the jury is convinced that the witness is truthful and has identified the right "shooter" a finding of Guilty to the charge of murder will stand up all the way to the United States Supreme Court. The law, therefore, does not require more than one witness to a crime. If there is a witness who can positively identify the perpetrator, the law does not require that there be any other proof whatsoever. Naturally, the prosecutor would like more evidence to make his case stronger, but he does need it to nail you. Most robbery cases consist of the testimony of just one witness, the person robbed. If the robber is arrested several days after the crime occurs there is little likelihood he will be found with the proceeds of the robbery on him. The case therefore, goes to the jury based solely on the victim’s testimony, and juries generally convict in 90-95% of such cases. They tend to feel that if the victim points out the defendant as the person who robbed him and claims he's positive that's the right guy, then who are they the jurors to say otherwise.
Obviously you must therefore insure that your murder will not be witnessed.
Consequently, if you are looking to "hit" Doc Gooden, the ball park is a poor choice. Your hit location or "place of occurrence" which we shall hereafter refer to as POC, must maximize the probability that no one will observe what you have done. The POC falls into two categories: Public areas and private areas. A third category, common carriers such as buses, subways, and airplanes is really a subdivision of public areas but will be treated as if it were a third category. Please remember that even though we asked you to remember that we treated it as a third category there are really only two categories. Murders occurring in automobiles, which we will refer to as a fourth category is really a murder in a private place that occurs in public which really makes it a hybrid between public and private never actually fitting in either category but rather floating somewhere in between. This does not qualify it as a fourth category or even a third category since the third category is really a subdivision of category one, but, is treated as though it is a separate category for expository purposes only. (Sorry if our legal writing ability has leaked out, we do our best to suppress it). To simplify our discussion private areas shall be referred to as murders committed "In Private" or IP hits, and murders committed in public areas shall be henceforth referred to as "not in private " or NIP hits. Common carrier murders will be termed SNIP hits (Subway Not In Private) and automobile murders will be called CATNIP hits. (CATNIP stands for Car and Driver Not In Private. The letter "D" in Driver has been changed to the letter "T" so that the initials will flow smoother when read and be remembered more easily).
A. IP HITS
The best locations for IP POC'S are the homes of the victims. Certainly if you use your own home as an IP POC you'll have a hard time explaining the dead body in your living room to a HIP cop. (HIP cop is not an abbreviation). This is true in all cases where your victim lives alone. If he has roommates or family members living with him this essentially changes an IP to a NIP and places it in the other category. Even if the victim is home alone at a particular time, it is too risky to plan the hit there since a real possibility exists you will be interrupted by a witness. If the victim lives alone then by all means use his home as your POC. In such a situation his home is a perfect witness free environment in which to execute your murder.
CAVEAT: When using a victim's home as the POC in an IP hit be sure to research the demographics of the area. That means how far away is the closest neighbor. The reason for this should be obvious. The noise generated by the type of weapon used, such as a gun, may attract the curiosity of neighbors who could then become witnesses to your exiting your victim's home.
The only other acceptable IP POC, or POC IP would be a rented room in a hotel or motel as long as you remember not to use your real name when registering. Here again, the previous caveat should be noted relative to the avoidance of noise likely to attract nosey people who become witnesses or NPBW'S as they shall henceforth be referred to.
(Please note that we did not originally intend to use so many abbreviations. However, after starting with a couple back in chapter two it kind of became addictive. It also seemed to add class to this project as we began tossing the initials around. It created a kind of "insider feeling" as we chatted in public using abbreviations such as MAMA, RAID, SNIP etc. and we observed NPBW'S straining to understand what the "hell" we were talking about. It gave us a sense of power being the only ones who knew what the abbreviations stood for. Therefore, since the number of abbreviations has grown quite numerous we have included an appendix at the end of the book which lists all the abbreviations used and their meaning).
Continuing our discussion, IP POC'S either in the victims home or a rented room works very well in most "For Profit" murders but does not work too well in revenge killings. The primary reason for this is that your enemy is not likely to invite you to this home nor accompany you to some hotel room. Therefore, you will have to use a NIP hit possibly a SNIP or the combination IP NIP which is of course the CATNIP all of which can be successful as long as NPBW'S are avoided and you are wearing a F.A.G.
A F.A.G. is the "Phony appendages and garments" abbreviation which refers to disguises that alter your entire physical appearance. You will note that the abbreviation F.A.G. is a diluted form of "PH" for phony, "a" for appendages and "G" for garments. Since FAG and PHAG would both be pronounced the same way we selected FAG believing this would be more easily remembered by the reader. In a recent survey we conducted we found that 85% of the people we questioned had already heard of the abbreviation FAG. The remaining 15% did not respond directly to our question "Have you ever worn a Fag?" Though they did indicate through profanity that the term has some meaning for them. Consequently since the term has probably universal recognition it will not be included in the appendix at the end of this book and should therefore be committed to memory.
The FAG should be worn as a means of confusing NPBW'S as to the description they will give the police of the perpetrator of the crime. It should also disguise you sufficiently to make identification of you in your non-fag state impossible. You may consider fake beards and mustaches, wigs, dark glasses, masks and such as ways to alter your facial appearance. Clothing should also be worn to give a false impression of your physique making you appear taller or shorter than you are and fatter or thinner than you are in reality. One of the best examples of this is the "Tom Thumb" disguise. You simply attach shoes to your knees, tie your feet back against your legs and cover them with the appropriate length of baggy pants. The witness will then tell the cops the murderer was a midget. If the witness can at some future time identify your face the prosecution will have a hard time explaining to the jury how you grew two feet after committing the murder.
CAVEAT: The Tom Thumb disguise is very uncomfortable and difficult to maintain for long periods. Furthermore, a great deal of practice is required to develop the speed necessary if you have to run on your knees.
With reference to our IP hit, the FAG is intended to be worn upon leaving the victims home or hotel room. This will insure that no one will be able to identify you as leaving the scene of the crime at or about the time of the murder. Once you are a safe distance from the scene the FAG should be discarded. If you are apprehended in possession of the FAG a witness could "nail your ass to the wall". Get rid of it! It doesn't matter if its found by the police since all it will prove is that the murderer wore a disguise, it won't prove who the murderer is! (Unless you're wearing it!).
Finally, avoid any costumes that are well known or masks of famous people such as a Santa Claus suit or a face mask of Richard Nixon. These are MAMA violations (see the appendix) and will draw unnecessary attention to you. Furthermore, this could leave a traumatic scar on some child if he sees Santa Claus committing a murder. The Richard Nixon mask has become passé', having been used hundreds of times by bank robbers. Reliable sources have told us, interestingly enough, that they believe some of these robberies were actually committed by the former President posing as himself. In any event, if you wear the Nixon mask you risk arrest for hundreds of robberies committed throughout the United States and its use therefore should be absolutely avoided. The use of any "costume of a known character", which we call COK is therefore frowned upon. If you wear a COK be prepared to be a sucker!
The last element of our successful IP hit is rubber gloves. Put them on before entering the POC and keep them on until you have left in your FAG. You don't want your fingerprints being linked to the murder. Even if you could explain the presence of your prints in the victim's home by stating the victim is your Aunt Gert and "you visit her often" so naturally your prints are in the house. If your prints are found on some object that can be linked in some way to the murder this can be your undoing. Wear those gloves! Get a nice pair of form fitting surgical type gloves that can be found lying on the floor in any city hospital next to used hypodermic needles.
CAVEAT: If you use gloves found on the floor of a city hospital avoid contact between the gloves and any open soars on your body since there is an excellent chance the gloves have been contaminated with the aids virus.
NIP HITS, which is the second of our two categories, are murders committed in public POC'S. Because of the very nature of the POC your FAG must be worn at all times. Get yourself FAGGED OUT before leaving your home and do not "DE FAG" yourself until your murder is completed and you are a safe distance from the murder scene. You must remain FAGGED up to the completion of the murder to prevent identification later on. It should also be noted that you do not want your victim to recognize you in a public POC. If this is a "revenger Murder" your victim is likely to react negatively to your presence which may complicate execution of your plan. Even assuming your victim likes you, it would be disastrous to have NPBW'S overhear your victim say:
"Hi (insert your name) what are you doing here?"
You should also plan on striking at your target with the least possible number of witnesses around. This may result in several aborted attempts before the right set of circumstances exist. Never act in haste for errors are often the by-product.
Weapon selection is all NIP hits is also limited in that "noisy" weapons produce NPBW'S. This will hamper you in confirming your "Kill" which is a requirement of Chapter 5. There is a method outlined in Chapter 5 which will enable you to check your victim for signs of life in the presence of NPBW'S, but it is not intended for general use as it is hazardous to your freedom.
Although fingerprints would not appear to be a major concern in NIP hits, you should still wear gloves to prevent your fingerprints from being found on the murder weapon, which, if you recall, must be discarded at the crime scene as directed in the second imperative. Surgical gloves are, however, not suitable to public POC'S since they may attract attention. Therefore, NIP hits should only be performed when the temperature outdoors is cool enough to justify the wearing of gloves. If you prefer an indoor NIP hit, bowling alleys are excellent since no one will think it odd if you are wearing a bowlers glove. However, be sure to touch your weapon only with the gloved hand. (For those unfamiliar with bowling only one hand is used to throw a bowling ball. Therefore, only the hand that throws the ball is gloved. If you have gloves on both hands it would be most irregular). For those of you who noticed our error here add an extra 20 points to your Quiz score at the beginning of this chapter. For those of you who did not notice the error, subtract 20 points from your score if you are a regular bowler. The bowling glove, for those who missed the error, leaves your fingers exposed so you can grasp the ball and therefore would not prevent fingerprints from being left on the weapon. Researching your chosen POC is important to prevent serious errors such as the one above.
If you are set on an indoor POC, you might check out batting ranges or indoor golf driving ranges where gloves are commonplace. These ranges can also be found outdoors as well and may be utilized in both summer and winter provided they are open. If the idea of a bowling alley is still in your mind and you are trying to think of some way of using it as a POC do it on a cold day and make sure there is no league play going on.
SNIP HITS - Have the same rules and considerations as NIP hits except that there are elements of these hits that are important enough to place them in a separate category but still with the confines of category two. The subway POC, for example, which gained national attention thanks to New York's subway gunman, is especially advantageous since there are no NPBW'S to worry about. No matter how many people are in a New York City subway car no one will become a witness at your trial. This odd phenomenon is peculiar to the subway passenger. This individual sees himself as a victim. He has probably been mugged at least twice in the past and still rides the subway resigned to the fact that he will be mugged again, (If this were not so why then would he continue to travel the underground train). Psychologists have likened this individual to the woman who becomes trapped in the "battered spouse" syndrome. Being a victim fills a deep psychological need to be punished. This desire to be mugged creates a "Love Hate" relationship with the would be mugger which prevents him from later identifying the attacker to the police. This all occurs on a subconscious level, while consciously he is too scared "shitless" to get involved. Therefore, you are free to strike out at your victim without regard to the number of passengers present on the train. However, wear your FAG because undercover cops have been known to FAG themselves up as passengers. You never know when some FAG is really a cop in disguise or visa versa.
After completing your hit and confirming its success, quickly flee the subway car. You will notice that once the passengers have noticed one among them has been attacked they too will flee, some out of fear, some because they do not want involvement, and some because the train has reached their station.
CAVEAT: Never strike out at your target while the train is between stations. The New York Subway system is known to constantly break down and you could find yourself trapped in the train for hours with passengers who might go berserk and rip you to pieces. Always wait until the train is in the process of entering the station before commencing the attack.
Bus Snips are similar in concept to subway snips except there is a glaring difference. NPBW'S are present. This is due to the fact that there are less muggings occurring on buses. There are also bus drivers who have karate training to contend with. Drivers who have routes that pass by public schools usually receive this training for self defense purposes. Bus snips should, therefore, not be a prime choice POC. While we do not forbid their use, they should only be considered as a Snip of last resort.
CAVEAT: If you chose a Bus Snip be advised that all buses require exact change and you cannot rely on passengers to make change for you.
THE PLANE SNIP - is a misnomer. Planes can never be used as your POC for a NIP hit. Therefore, there is no plane Snip. The primary reasons for this are:
1 or A. It is extremely difficult to get most weapons past the metal detectors that you will have to pass through before boarding your plane.
2 or B. Your victim will have to know, in most cases, that you are aboard the plane if you are to book the same flight. Even if you manage to buy a ticket without him knowing about it he's likely to recognize you during the several hours you're seated together on the plane. (You will have to sit next to your victim in order to make the hit since movement aboard a plane is extremely limited especially while meals are served).
3 or C. You must purchase your plane ticket with cash. If you use a credit card, American Express will know your name and so will the cops. If you use cash be advised that the Federal Government views the cash purchase of airline tickets as an indication that you may be a terrorist, carrier of illegal drugs or a self-employed business man who is not reporting his full income to the IRS. All of which means you will be subjected to a thorough search (possibly a body cavity search which entails dropping your drawers and bending over) and your last three years tax returns will be audited.
4 or D. You will not be allowed to fire a gun once aboard the plane, even if you manage to slip it past security. This is extremely hazardous because if you miss your victim your bullet could pass through the walls of the cabin causing it to depressurize which could lead to a humongous catastrophe involving scores of dead and injured, including you. This would be a BIG MAMA violation. Not only that but the discharge of a firearm aboard an aircraft is a violation of the rules of the FAA (Federal Aviation Administration -- not our abbreviation) and you could be fined up to $10,000.00.
As you can see, a plane SNIP is no SNIP and any thought you might have along those lines must be immediately dismissed from your mind. Totally disregard any notion of using the plane as a POC. Pretend we never mentioned it and delete all references to plane SNIPS from this book. We would have done that ourselves except the contract with our publisher required that this book contain at least a certain specific number of pages and this topic made for good filler.
The CATNIP hit, is one of the best POC'S available. It is generally suited to situations where you are on friendly terms with your victim and can invite him into your car for a pleasant drive to his death. What makes CATNIP so appealing is the ability to change locations from NIP to IP without attracting NPBW'S while remaining in your getaway vehicle at all times.
When the hit has been made simply open the door, push your victim out and drive away contented. There are only two items you need concern yourself with to achieve optimal success.
ITEM NO. 1 - Do not use a weapon that is particularly messy. You must eradicate all evidence of blood left in the car by the victim. The bloodier the murder, the more cleanup required. If there is a very noticeable mess you must exercise extreme care not to be pulled over by the police for some stupid traffic infraction and have some cop, seeing all that blood, ask "Where'd you put the fucken body?"
ITEM NO. 2 - You must wear some sort of FAG to disguise your face. The rest of your body can not be seen from outside the vehicle, and if it can't be seen, it can't be described. However, you will need to be inventive in order to explain your change in appearance to your victim. As a suggestion you could bandage up your entire face wear dark glasses and claim you're going to a costume party as the invisible man.
ITEM NO. 3 - The license plates on your car is the easiest thing for the police to trace if a NPBW happens to be around when your victim comes flying out the door, and, as NPBW'S often do, they make a note of your plate number. Many NPBW'S carry a pad and pen at all times so they can make notes of such things as license numbers, addresses, stock tips and a whole host of things that's none of their business. To confound their efforts and protect your identity we suggest you either muddy your plates to obliterate the plate number or remove them completely. Once you are a safe distance from where you dumped the body you could then put them back on or clean them off as the case may be. If the police have been alerted to the murder they will be searching for a car without plates etc. and your car will no longer be in that condition. (I know we said there were two items, but this third one came to us after we had already said there were two and we forgot to go back and correct it).
We have spent a great deal of time impressing upon you the importance of witness avoidance as mandated by the First Imperative. This is the most difficult of the three imperatives. It requires some planning and demands you act responsibly, maturely and with the retrained patience of a holy-man. Brashness, haste and a desire to "get it done" will only lead to the birth of a witness which cannot be aborted by committing a gratuitous hit. The first imperative does not sanction murdering witnesses. Witness murder is wasteful, unnecessary and without any redeeming social value. It's a whitewash of your mistakes -- and we all must pay for our mistakes. In the final analysis witness murders transforms your hit into a multiple killing and that's a MAMA.
THE SECOND IMPERATIVE - Discard the weapon at the crime scene.
This is a very simple rule to follow. All you have to do is drop your weapon to the ground or floor etc. after you have made your hit. (Some of you may be wondering why we have not used an abbreviation for the term "weapon" or "your weapon" or for that matter "weapon of choice." Actually we didn't think of it until just this moment. If you would like some insight into how great writers develop ideas we are including the following verbatim transcript of the creative repartee that produced the abbreviation for "weapon" that will henceforth be used.
CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN MICHAEL SCHWED AND DAVID ZUCKER CONCERNING THE ABOVE. (The we you have been reading or the us, depending on whether the term is the subject or object of the sentence, is Mike Schwed & David Zucker. You would have known our names if you read the introduction or remembered what came after by on the front cover of the book).
Schwed (the good looking one): What could we call a weapon?
Zucker (The younger one) A Gun? (Not necessarily brighter)
Schwed: No Dummy, what could we call a weapon of choice?
Zucker: A What?
Schwed: A WOC! That's a great idea! Weapon of choice, W.O.C.
Therefore, according to the second imperative you must immediately "get rid of" your POC-WOC. (Place of occurrence weapon of choice). The reason for this is the same as the reason for discarding your FAG. The WOC is a definite link to the murder and as long as you have it you are linked to the murder. Throw the thing away! As long as you wore gloves (as instructed) and did not register your weapon somewhere (as instructed) the weapon itself will prove nothing. If, however, its found in your pocket, it proves everything.
We had a client who had an unnatural attraction to his WOC, which for him was a baseball bat that he owned since he was 8 years old. He used it in a revenge murder taking batting practice on his target's head. Although he did not violate any other imperative he just could not part with his WOC. Since he had a motive for the murder he was an easy suspect for the police who eventually obtained a warrant, searched his house and found the bat. Fragments of blood and flesh imbedded in the bat sang a tune for the jury who chorused in unison Guilty Guilty Guilty. (We can't always win them all).
THIRD IMPERATIVE: Keep your big mouth shut!
This is more difficult than it sounds, especially if you have a big ego. Imagine committing the perfect murder and having no one know you did it. It's like hitting a hole in one in golf and having no one there to see it. Anyone you tell about it, either by bragging or confiding in them, can take this information and sell it, trade it or hold it over your head. Lets say you tell your buddy Ted about your hit. Ted says "Whoa, excellent Dude". Then, two days later a reward is offered for "information leading to the arrest and conviction of the person or persons responsible" and three days after that your in jail and Ted just put down a down payment on a brand new Cadillac. Or, 6 months later Ted tries his own hit, trying to emulate your success, but fails, gets busted and sees himself facing ten years for Attempted Murder. Ted turns to Office Krumsky and says "Hey Dude, I know something you don't know". Three days later Ted's in the witness protection program and you're planning a revenge murder from behind bars. Or, one year later Ted knocks at your door, down on his luck, in debt, and in desperate need of a hand out. "Hey dude, can I borrow $50,000.00 to keep my mouth shut?" he asks.
These things can and do happen when you let your mouth run your head. Getting away with murder is its own reward. If you have to tell someone, tell your lawyer. He must keep his mouth shut by law. Be sure you pay his fee, for hell hath no fury like a lawyer that gets stiffed.
We had a client who killed a store owner during a robbery. He used an accomplice, which is like having another pair of lips. No one witnessed the murder and our client disposed of the gun without a trace. Two weeks later he bragged to a friend about the robbery-murder. Three weeks after that his friend was arrested for an unrelated robbery. At our client's trial both his accomplice and his friend testified against him in return for a "get out of jail free" card. Our client went down, or up the river for 25 to life. (Although we lost we did not like the guy very much anyway).
You can of course, tell your wife or husband and, under the law, this is a confidential communication which cannot be used against you at trial. However, the law requires that the communication be as a result of the closeness a husband and wife relationship enjoys. If you are separated the court may not protect your confession to her. Furthermore, if you tell her you killed her mother the judge is likely to say this is not a confidential communication arising out of the holy state of matrimony but rather a statement intended to piss her off and at trial she will be allowed to piss on you. Don't tell her or him. Even if the statement can't be used they're likely to tell someone else (especially woman, all they do all day is blabber on the phone) or, if they're angry at you they could tip off the cops. Although they can't use the statement, you don't need to have the police looking at you as the prime suspect.
CAVEAT: Under New York Law a common law spouse is nothing more than a roommate. New York does not recognize common law marriages. If you decide to tell your spouse, make sure you're married.
Never confess to the Police. This has been noted previously as a "Caveat" and falls within the mandate of the Third Imperative. Juries like nothing better than to hear from your own lips that you did it. Remember, the Police Officer is not your friend when you commit a crime. Don't believe a word he tells you because he'd say anything to get you to confess. Actually if cops were Pinocchio they're noses would be as long as a football field. Remember also that any statement you make to the police implicating yourself in the crime voids all guarantees set forth in the introduction to the book. It is therefore best to say nothing. The only thing you should say is "I want my Lawyer!"
A good illustration of not "shooting your mouth off" is a recent burglary case we handled. Six teenagers had burglarized a private home in Nassau County. (This was their first mistake. Nassau County is outside New York City. The Police Department and District Attorney's Office doesn't have a lot of major crime to deal with and to them house burglaries and car thefts are their meat and potatoes). Unfortunately for the six boys, a witness had observed the license plate of the getaway car which belonged to one of the teens. It wasn't hard to trace the vehicle and locate the driver, who after a big conference with the cops, admitted to everything and named his five former friends. One by one the cops picked up the other teens (all except our client) and one by one they confessed naming the others as well. Fortunately for our client he contacted us before the cops got to him. Realizing he was about to be arrested, we surrendered him to the cops and instructed them not to question him. (Once a Lawyer appears the police cannot question a suspect without his lawyer present. Most cops obey this rule, even if they didn't the statement becomes useless in court).
The five boys who confessed were convicted and did jail time. The charges against our client were dropped. In New York the law states that you cannot be convicted of any crime based solely on the statements of co-participants in the crime. Since the NPBW in the case could not identify any of the boys our client beat the rap. (This is another example of New York Law that makes it such a great place for criminals). As a footnote to this story, our client, acting with others, was later arrested for the robbery/murder of a drug dealer. Acting on a tip, the cops picked him up and questioned him. They promised him that if he cooperated they would not charge him with the intentional murder of the victim. The dummy cooperated. The cops kept their word and charged him with Felony Murder instead. (Felony Murder is charged when, during the commission of a felony, such as robbery, an innocent person is killed. There is no requirement that you kill this person intentionally or that you are even aware someone is killed by another participant in the crime. Felony Murder carries the same punishment as intentional murder does, namely 25 years to life). Our former client, who did not hire us to represent him because he was embarrassed by his stupidity, is now doing 25 years to life. Since there were no available witnesses to the crime nor any other evidence to connect him to it his big mouth did him in.
As you can see, confessing to a crime is the best way to be convicted. As any lawyer who defends criminals will tell you this is the hardest case to win. So, keep your big mouth shut and trust no one, except your well paid mouthpiece. (That's slang for Lawyer. It's a bit derogatory but we found it appropriate under the circumstances of this discussion).
This is the final topic of this chapter. It requires only a minimum amount of planning but is essential to the success of your hit. What you need is some means of transportation that will quickly carry you far enough away from the POC to avoid apprehension. Being caught at or near the crime scene is extremely detrimental to your freedom as well as your defense at a trial after your arrest.
For purposes of getting away, we do not recommend the use of public transportation; either bus, subway or taxi. In New York City all forms of such transportation is habitually "off schedule" and inherent with delays. You would be surprised by the number of criminals caught near the crime scene waiting for a bus.
Use your car. If you don't own one, buy one. (See chapter Six on Financial Planning if you need assistance raising the necessary funds to purchase a vehicle). Park the vehicle a short distance from the crime scene. Your car should not be visible to any possible NPBW who might see you commit the murder. You could park it around the corner from the POC, as an example, and then run to it and flee after the murder. Since the car is not visible to NPBW'S they will not be able to describe it to the police. As an added precaution, follow the instructions given under the section on CATNIP hits with regard to obliterating license numbers. Some gutsy NPBW'S have been known to follow fleeing felons (The 3 F variety) and this additional protection is therefore warranted. Do not under any circumstances stop to converse with or physically confront a 3F NPBW because he may turn out to be one of the 4F kind and the fourth F stands for "Armed with a Firearm".
If you are chased you have two possible courses of action. You can either outrun the 3F NPBW and double back later, or if you have a sufficient lead, that would enable you to enter your vehicle and drive away, then hop in your car and burn rubber (This alternative assumes you have obliterated the license number on the car. If you have not then keep running. It is recommended that you practice running in preparation for the hit to build up your speed).
CAVEAT: Under no circumstances should you drive away with a 3FNPBW clinging to the hood of your car. This will attract the attention of other NPBW'S and make your auto easily observable to the cops. Furthermore, a 3FNPBW on your hood will obstruct your vision and make driving very hazardous.
As a final observation, do not take a taxi as a getaway device. Cab drivers have been known to be 4FNPBW'S in disguise. They are also required to keep records of all fares with regard to place of pick up and place of destination. Some cab drivers are former Medical Examiners and don't speak English and you could lose valuable time trying to explain to the driver where it is you want to go.
Finally - (And this is the last finally of this chapter)
As a concluding illustration from "real life" we would like to give you an example of a murder that was perfectly executed in accordance with the three imperatives.
The murder was committed by a doctor who, being separated from his wife and fearing the economic pinch of a large divorce settlement, "whacked" her in her apartment where she lived alone leaving the murder weapon, an untraceable gun, next to the body. Following the hit he made no statement to anyone and immediately retained a lawyer. For months thereafter we tried to build a case against him. (We say we because at that time we worked for the District Attorney's Office as Prosecutors which is one of the reasons we know so much). Since he kept his mouth shut it doomed our efforts to failure. Today, some 18 years later he is still free and living proof of the value of the three imperatives.
(We wish to note that Doctors generally fall into a special category since they consider themselves far superior to lay people. They are also better murderers then the general public having obtained a great deal of experience killing people. One of their members even boasted that Doctor's are like James Bond, "Licensed To Kill". They even have developed a special POC reserved solely to members of the Medical profession. This is the DOC HOP POC which stands for "Doctor Hospital Operation Place of Occurrence." They simply lure their victim into having an unnecessary operation and then malpractice him to death. They need not be concerned, since NPBW'S are sworn to secrecy under penalty of perpetual unemployment if they violate their oaths).
This concludes (finally) chapter 4 which ran a bit longer than we originally anticipated. In fact, it is the longest chapter in the book. We could have divided it into two chapters calling them chapter 4A and chapter 4B respectively, since chapter five already existed. Nevertheless, to have done so would not have changed the fact that 4A and 4B are essentially one chapter and not two. Therefore, we left Chapter four alone keeping it as one chapter as it now appears. However, due to its length you are entitled to a break at this point before proceeding to the next chapter. We have found that learning is best achieved when the learnee is well rested and hence better able to digest new ideas and information. Therefore you may put this book down and ignore it for a 24 hour period, however, if you exceed 24 hours you will begin to forget what you already learned and then have to re-read the book from the beginning to refresh your memory. As in all things the choice is yours, we can only recommend. (The preceding paragraph has been inserted for filler purposes only and may therefore be ignored).