Book Jacket

 

rank 1177
word count 50530
date submitted 26.08.2010
date updated 01.05.2014
genres: Popular Culture, Instructional, Com...
classification: adult
complete

How To Get Away With Murder In New York

Michael Schwed

This book takes a hysterical look at the criminal justice system. I laughed myself silly writing it.

 

This book is an irreverent look at crime and the criminal justice system in New York,. More than that, it is a satirical view of society where almost anything can be merchandised, even murder. The book demonstrates how murders can be planned and executed flawlessly while at the same time it kills the reader with laughter. This book is so funny that you will want several copies so that you can read it over and over again.

 
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CHAPTER SIX

FINANCIAL PLANNING

            


 

       Planning for your financial needs based on future anticipated events has become a growth industry.  Adequate preparation can provide you with the funds you may need in case of unexpected hardship.  Being in prison, following an arrest, can be an unexpected hardship.  While the instructions in this book, if heeded, should protect you from such adverse circumstances, hell anything's possible.  It is not "negative thinking" on our part to offer you this financial protection. We view it as your "Golden Parachute" which can carry you from the grasp of local law enforcement to a place of safety (in another State).

       NOTE:  The information contained in this chapter would easily cost you $500.00 to $600.00 when ordering from one of those T.V. promotions.  It is provided for you here free, at no additional cost.  The retail price of this book was calculated on the cost of the other 9 chapters.  This chapter has been inserted as a bonus.  If you find that Chapter Six has been torn out of the book you will have no recourse against the bookstore.  Since you were not charged for this chapter you are not, by law, entitled to receive it.  If you find it missing and wish to obtain a reprint of the information, kindly send $500.00 (cash) to the authors in care of this publisher. You can also purchase another book, but, if you chose this alternative make sure the book contains this chapter.  If you have read the foregoing then your book already contains chapter six and you, therefore, need not obtain another copy.

       Assuming you are arrested, purely for the academic purposes of this chapter, you will need a substantial amount of liquid assets. (This means cold cash available to you within a couple of days).  Since you will be charged with the crime of Murder we suggest that you be have $500,000.00 available to meet all contingencies.

       CAVEAT:  When assuming your arrest, academically or otherwise, do not visualize it.  Visualizations set off psychic energy which can turn into "self fulfilling" prophecy.  Visualizations are, therefore, dangerous and should not be attempted in the absence of a Board Certified Psychic.

       The contingencies you will need to meet are the bail contingency, the Legal Fee contingency, and the money to live decently in another State contingency.  You will find new ways to create wealth in this chapter, sufficient to provide the necessary cash you may need.  We turn our intention now to a brief discussion of the three contingencies and the financial requirements of each.

BAIL CONTINGENCY


 

       Following an arrest (notice we tactfully avoided saying yours) you will be brought before a judge who will determine how much money you must put up as security to insure your appearance in court. (We know we said "you" will be brought etc. but, it was felt that saying one will be brought etc. gets a little silly since you know the one referred to would be you anyway.  However, if it makes you feel better just substitute the third person objective "one" everytime we refer to you.)  If you are able to post (put up) the bail then you will be released from jail while the case is pending in court.  If you can't raise the bail money, then, guess what, you stay in jail until your trial is over and if convicted you don't get out until the parole board springs you.

       NOTE:  Under New York Law if you are convicted of Murder you cannot be released on bail while your case is appealed, therefore your only shot at bail is Pre trial.  (That means before the Trial).  We try to use language that most 6th graders will understand so that graduates of New York City Schools will be able to comprehend (understand) this book.

       When deciding the amount of bail to set a judge will usually consider the following five factors:

       1.  The Kind Of Murder -- Whether it's gruesome, extremely violent, bloody, disgusting etc., all of which will increase the size of bail.

       2.  The Evidence Of Guilt -- How good is the Prosecutor's case -- did the person arrested (you or the one) confess to the crime. (third imperative violation).  Are there any NPBW'S who identified you as the killer?  Naturally the stronger the case the higher the bail. (If you confessed you may hear the Judge say that awful word "Remand".  That means No Bail you stay in jail!).

       3.  Defenses -- if you remember chapter five, which preceded (came before) this chapter, there was a section devoted to creating possible defenses.  Here the judge considers the evidence against you and the possible defenses your Lawyer claims you have (but really don't).  The weaker the evidence and the stronger the defenses, the lower the bail.  If there is no defense and the evidence is strong -- high bail.

       4.  Background Of The One Arrested (Your Background) -- The judge, after determining factors 1,2, and 3 will then look at your (the one arrested's background may be substituted) background.  The major consideration here is whether you've been arrested before and if so, what did you do and did you beat the rap or not.  Needless to say, but we'll say it anyway, a bad record will cost you a higher bail.  On the contrary a murderer with a good clean background is considered a much better bail risk and hence the amount will be substantially lower.  You can't do much to change your background but, a few women in court crying their eyes out might help.  (If you have no family you might consider hiring a few women to sit in court and cry).


 

       5.  Presence Of Reporters -- If Reporters from area newspapers, t.v. or radio show-up this will have a dramatic effect on your bail situation.  Most Judges tell court personnel to immediately inform them if reporters are in court and to find out what case they are interested in.  If reporters are present the Judge will visualize (you can't stop a judge from visualizing if he wants to ) the morning paper with the headline "Judge Let's Killer Walk" if he sets low bail.  Right behind that visualization are pictures of his disappointment when the "powers that be" (and they be powerful) decide his term as a judge should not be renewed.  While these visions dance in his head his determinations on factors 1,2,3, and 4 rapidly disappear.  The only logical choice for the judge becomes "extremely high bail" (in the millions) or that awful word "Remand" again.  No judge is likely to commit political suicide even if you are the "best of murderers" and the prosecution has no case at all.  Perhaps in an ideal world "Judges are blind".  However, in reality they listen to news reports.

       CAVEAT:  MAMA VIOLATIONS (If you go and check the appendix you will find that MAMA stands for "May Attract Media Attention" hits.  If you do check the appendix even after we told you what it means, and find that we were correct we congratulate your thoroughness though we can't tolerate your stupidity).  Any violation of MAMA draws reporters like flies to garbage, which will leave you (bail wise) sitting in the "Shit Hole"!


 

       After all this considering is done, and assuming there are no reporters, the range of bail set in a "run of the mill" murder case in New York City goes from a low of about $50,000.00 to a high of $300,000.00.  If you followed the books instructions the case against you should be weak and if your background is good $100,000.00 should be more than ample to cover bail.  If on the other hand the case is weak and your background is not too good you'll need $200,000.00 for bail purposes.  If you fucked up the hit and you, yourself, have a fucked up past, then you're fucked and at least $300,000.00 will be required.  You will have to assess your needs yourself since we don't have the time to evaluate each reader individually.

LEGAL FEE CONTINGENCY

      Most reasonably decent lawyers charge from $20,000.00 to $50,000.00 to defend a murder case.  Initially, you will not need this much to retain the services of a lawyer since the fees quoted are total fees including trial.  The retainer (cash up front) needed runs from a low of $5,000.00 to a high of $25,000.00 depending on how hungry the lawyer is (keep in mind that the degree of a lawyer's hunger has no relationship to his ability and therefore the more you pay does not guarantee quality representation).  $10,000.00 should be sufficient to retain a good lawyer with a modest appetite.

       You should select an attorney before committing your hit and have his retainer readily available.  As we stated earlier, never tell the lawyer that you are planning a murder since he is obligated to give this information to the police.  If you phrase it hypothetically, such as; "If a client of yours was to commit a murder, how much of a retainer would you want?"  You can avoid burdening him with the obligation to report it. (A nice consultation fee would also help).


 

       The lawyer should also be one of the local boys.  As such, he will be familiar with all the judges in the local courthouse and hopefully they will be familiar with him.  Remember all judges were former lawyers and therefore, usually like to help a fellow lawyer out.  Realizing that lawyers depend on getting paid by clients in order to make money, judges usually grant lower bail to defendants represented by lawyers they know. (It makes them look good).  Sometimes a judge will even call a lawyer he knows up to the bench and ask him how much bail his client can make since a client out on bail is more likely to pay the lawyer then one whose bail has been set so high that he's stuck in the slammer.

       Avoid selecting a "star Lawyer" one you've read about in the papers or seen on T.V.  They are no better than other lawyers, just lucky enough to have been struck by the lightning of a media attention getting case.  As a result they charge higher fees, make more money and are generally hated by other lawyers who are envious of their success. (This includes judges who we said were former lawyers).  Since these lawyers have become  "stars" their mere presence in a case can create a MAMA violation.  At the very least, the judge might set a higher bail to try to fuck him, which of course, fucks you as well. The Star therefore costs you more money both in his fee and in the bail you must post.


 

       If the lawyer you select was a former Assistant District Attorney in the county where you are arrested, his former association with the prosecutor's office may further assist you in lowering the bail.  A former colleague of his might let his friendship with your lawyer persuade him to ask for a more modest bail than he might otherwise request.

     

        If you're looking to save the retainer fee and plan to let a Legal Aid Lawyer represent you please keep that old adage in mind that says "You get what you pay for" which in regard to legal aid means "You pay nothing and you get nothing in return".  This is not to say that they are bad lawyers, but they are generally disliked by the private bar and most judges think they're a "pain in the ass", and will set a higher bail just to "piss them off".

 

LIVE DECENTLY IN ANOTHER STATE CONTINGENCY

       As you should have guessed, the reason for retaining your lawyer and making the bail is to permit you to flee New York and begin life anew in a decent state.  As lawyers, we are not suppose to advise clients to "take it on the lam", however, since you are not our clients we don't think it improper to do so. (If you are a reader who is also one of our clients, please view this advise as coming from the authors of this book and not your lawyers.  We can't afford to get into trouble with the State authorities unless we make a bundle from this book in which case we won't have to practice law "no more" and can devote ourselves to self indulgent pursuits somewhere other than New York).


 

       Running away, is a crime called bail jumping.  The penalty is far less than that for murder.  The maximum sentence is only 4 years with parole coming after one year 4 months, sometimes even sooner.  You will, however, forfeit (lose) the money you put up for bail when you don't show up in court, which you won't do, because you ran away.  You will need money to live "a decent life" somewhere other than New York. (You should already know that you cannot lead a decent life in New York even if you haven't committed a crime and as such are in the minority.  If you come to New York just to visit and commit a murder we're sure you haven't found any reason to stay).  If you have the necessary $500,000.00 in liquid assets you should still have $200,000.00 - $400,000.00 available to you once you have made the bail.  This is more than adequate to begin a good life anywhere other than New York.

       We suggest, for your consideration, the states of Florida, Arizona, and New Mexico as three excellent choices to begin your new life.  You will find that you can purchase a new beautiful home with an in ground swimming pool, built in cable t.v., two car garage and fully furnish it for under $150,000.00.  That would still leave you $50,000.00 - $250,000.00 to (a) purchase a business, (b) start your own business or (c) leave it in the bank and collect interest while you get a job.


 

       CAVEAT:  There is a downside to running away.  Once you become a "fugitive" a warrant will be issued for your arrest in New York and this warrant will be valid in any state in the country.  Consequently you will have to live an exemplary life avoiding all situations where your fingerprints would be taken, i.e. either by being arrested or applying for a Government job.  We also suggest you do not run for public office either, since most politicians don't commit their crimes until after they're elected.     

        If for some bizarre reason you make bail and decide to hang around and see how the trial turns out you should skip to Chapter 9 next.  It is entitled "How to react to a Guilty Verdict".  We think you will realize quickly that the best reaction to a Guilty verdict is your absence.  There are just too many variables in a trial to predict with any reasonable degree of certainty the outcome.  Even an extremely weak case can produce a Guilty verdict.  There are plenty of innocent people sitting in jail waiting to appeal their cases and, after all, let us not forget that you are guilty.  A lawyer friend of ours once said "If I wanted justice I wouldn't be in court", so don't expect to win even if your lawyer thinks you will.  Remember, if a lawyer loses it is his client that does the time.


 

       Finally, with regard to this contingency, should you be unable to make bail, and are convicted, you will still have $450,000.00 left which can be wisely invested and provide a nest egg of well over $1,000,000.00 by the time you are paroled.  There are thousands of people who spend 15 to 20 years of their lives in jail and have nothing to show for it when they get out.  You on the other hand will walk out of prison a millionaire and be able to retire to luxury for the rest of your life.  It's a sacrifice, no doubt, but one many people would be willing to make.

       LIQUID ASSET ACCUMULATION

       In this section we will illustrate three ways to increase your cash holdings so that you will have the $500,000.00 available to meet the three contingencies we've just covered.  We must, however, at this time issue the following disclaimer in order to protect ourselves from some ambitious prosecutor who might want to build his reputation by nailing our hides to the wall.

       DISCLAIMER - Prosecutors please note the following:  The authors of this book do not intend to advocate the commission of any crime.  Although the first two of the following illustrations constitute criminal fraud we do not in any shape, manner or form urge, condone solicit, importune, or knowingly request or assist anyone in the commission of such crimes.  We further claim the first amendment privilege to speak freely without regard to the consequences.

       As an added precaution we will discuss the first two methods of asset accumulation in the hypothetical.  Even though we shall speak in this manner, you, the reader should be able to see through this guise and realize that the methods put forth are offered for your use. (Disregard the bullshit).

I. CREDIT CARD BONANZA


 

       Most banks issue MasterCard or Visa credit cards or both.  These cards carry a credit line which can be as high as $20,000.00 or more.  Cash advances can be taken up to the full amount of the credit line by writing a check against the line of credit. These checks are yours for the asking and are sometimes sent to you without a specific request.  If one were (Notice the if one, you know what that means) to accumulate 10-15 cards with credit limits of a mere $10,000.00 - $15,000.00 on each, one would have about $200,000.00 immediately available.

       But you say, how can someone obtain credit cards if one has no credit, no job, and no references?  One could do this quite easily if one did not mind defrauding a bank. (Banks have been ripping people off for years.  When the Federal Discount Rate drops to 5% they still charge 20% interest on the credit cards.  That's 15% profit to them.  Don't feel sorry for banks, when did a bank ever feel sorry for you?)  To understand how one might go about establishing the background necessary to obtain credit we offer you a "True Life" example of how banks check your credit.

       Co-Author David Zucker recently applied for credit at a major bank.  A few days later Zucker answered a call from the banks Credit Department.

       "Mr. Zucker", said the friendly voice, "We need to verify your employment and income.

       "I can verify that" volunteered Zucker.

       "No, you are not allowed to verify your own employment" responded the voice, still friendly.


 

       "Well, can Mr. Schwed verify it?" asked Zucker (Schwed is a Co-Author and Partner to Zucker).

       "Sure" said the voice.

       Zucker then handed Schwed the phone and Schwed said "Hello".

       The voice responded "Hello, I'm from                 (A major Bank), I need to verify Mr. Zucker's employment and income".

       Schwed then verified it and Zucker's credit was approved three days later.  If Schwed were not present at the time Zucker could just a easily have altered his voice, said he was Schwed and then verified his own income.


 

       If one, hypothetically speaking, were to apply for a credit card indicating a yearly income of $150,000.00 and, assuming one were not in a state of imminent bankruptcy, one could expect the bank to grant a credit line of $15,000.00 or more.  If one were then to rent an office and install a phone listed to the A.Z. Bologna Company, who just happens to be the name of the company paying the $150,000.00 salary listed on the credit application, and one simply waited for the bank's call, one could then verify his own employment and salary.  One would have to sit by the phone 8 hours a day waiting for the call, which is time consuming and boring.  If instead one purchased a portable cellular phone in the name of Bologna, one could then go about one's normal tasks, keeping the phone handy, while waiting for the call.  (All this hypothetical crap is a bit cumbersome and somewhat confusing, especially to some of our less intelligent readers.  Therefore, we are discarding it, throwing caution to the wind, and proceeding in a manner more likely to sell books).

        If your credit is bad and an income of $150,000.00 won't get you that piece of "plastic gold" (credit card) then you will need to apply under a pseudonym (phony name).  You just can't invent a name since the bank will find no record whatsoever of that person, and this might give them cause for concern, and when they get concerned you don't get the credit.  You will need the name of a "real person".  For this purpose we suggest you visit your local cemetery where you will find hundreds of names to choose from.  Select three or four and check them out.  If anyone has a credit rating better than yours its time to resurrect him.  Apply under his name with your address and don't forget to give him a good job with the Bologna Company. (We don't suggest the use of the name of a "live" person since you won't find any in a cemetery.  We also see no reason to cause some poor innocent person alot of grief by screwing around with his credit).  You will also need to advise the Post Office that this "dead fellow" is living with you so they will deliver "your credit card" in his name to your address.


 

       CAVEAT:  If you must use a dead person's name check out his date of birth.  A bank is likely to deny credit to a person 150 years old on the grounds that his life expectancy is too short. Once you've obtained two or three credit cards the rest will come flooding in.  The credit card market is so oversaturated that once a "good prospect" is located all banks jump on the bandwagon.  You will be deluged with "pre-approved" credit offers where all you need do is check a box and sign your name.  In three to four months you should accumulate 15-20 lines of credit totaling around $200,000.00.  If you have more time to kill before making your hit you can increase this figure more by borrowing on one line and paying it off with another line.  Once a bank sees you really intend to pay back the money you borrow they'll increase your line of credit and send you checks already made out to you begging that you spend, spend, spend.  Buy that boat, take that vacation. put that 46" T.V. in your living room.  You must however, restrain that urge to use this money unwisely.  You must deposit all of it ten days before the hit in a bank account in your name so it will be ready for you if you need it (If you want to blow $5,000.00 - $10,000.00 on yourself -- go ahead you earned it).

       THE HOUSE FLIP - Selling someone else's house to yourself -- (You read us right)

       This method of wealth production should net you at least $150,000.00 in thirty days.  It works so well because the four principles involved, the Real Estate Broker, the Lawyer, the Bank Officer and the Title Insurance Company are so blinded by their greed that they cannot see beyond their own stupidity.

       The first thing you must do is select a house worth $250,000.00 that has no mortgage on it or any other liens.  In other words, if the house sold for $250,000.00 the seller would get $250,000.00 and not have to pay back any loans to the bank.  The easiest way to find such a house is to observe owners of several houses.  Note the older ones and engage them in conversation.  We target the elderly because chances are they might have lived long enough to have paid off the mortgage, not because they are feeble or defenseless or slightly senile and easily taken advantage of (though that's an added plus).

       You might tell this old coot that you're selling mortgage insurance.  If he tells you "I ain't got no mortgage Sonny, so I ain't needin no insurance" (have you ever noticed that when people get old they talk "old".  It seems they lose their appreciation for grammatically correct English).  Once he says those magic words "No Mortgage" you've found a possible target.  Next you must make sure the house is in his name alone. (If you are a woman, and only you would know that, you would need to find an old lady who owns a house in "her name alone".  The reason for this will become amply clear as you read on).


 

       Ask the old fart (or fartess) if you could speak to his wife (or husband etc.) if he tells you the old bag is dead you need go no further.  If she's alive then you'll need to establish whether he "owns the house alone" or whether the little woman's got her name on it too.  Tell him that besides mortgage insurance you also sell life insurance which they will need to pay taxes when one of them dies.  When he hears the word "taxes" it'll give him the biggest rise he's had in years and he'll want to know "what fucken taxes!"  You then tell him that its the "fucken taxes" you have to pay when the owner of the house dies and someone else then has to be put on the deed.  If he responds "Ain't no problem, fella, the bitch's on the deed, "Bingo you've got the wrong house.  You must continue the search until you find an old codger who's the sole owner of the property.

       NOTE:  Although we referred to women as the "fartess" in the above paragraph we have been informed that women definitely do not fart.  After being told this we immediately agreed with that observation since neither of us have ever seen a woman fart, or heard a fart come from a women for that matter.  We then went under cover pretending to be women to see if we farted.  We did.  We then followed a group of women around all day to find out why men think women don't fart.  Our findings will amaze and shock you unless you are a woman and therefore already know you fart.  For those of you who are not women, ask yourself, have you ever noticed how women usually go to the ladies room in pairs.  Do you know why?  We do!  They hold farting contests in there!  To read more about our investigation get a copy of our new book "Women Don't Fart, An American Myth".

       After you have located the old boy who owns a house and (a) there is no Co-Owner and (b) there is no mortgage on the house (or very little left) you are ready to begin the "House Flip".

       Step No. 1       Get the Owner to leave town for at least 30 days.  If someone else is living with him they will have to go too.  Tell him, for example, that he's won a 30 day all expense trip to Disneyland from Readers Digest.  (Most old folks would never suspect Readers Digest of pulling a scan).  You will have to provide him with plane tickets and hotel reservations. (You need not get him a hotel on the grounds of Disneyland itself since this is very expensive and unnecessary).  Throw in $500.00 spending money and take him (and his companion if there is one) to the airport and make sure he gets on the plane.  This may cost about $2,000.00 but its part of the expenses necessary to pull this off.  Make sure his return flight is at least 30 days later and that his tickets are non-refundable so that he can't take an earlier flight.

       STEP NO. 2 - Visit a local Real Estate Broker who does not have a big volume business (walk in on a Saturday and if no one else is there you've got the right place).  Tell the broker that you have a house you want to sell quickly because you need the money to cover business losses on overseas investments. (This will impress her.  We say her because most real estate people are women.  The lying, cheating, and back stabbing associated with the job may be the reason for this).  Tell her that you know the house is worth $250,000.00 but you'd be willing to take $170,000.00 if a deal could be consummated within 30 days (The word consummated will arouse her enthusiasm).  Next tell her you'll pay a 10% commission if she can pull it off.  (This will make her cream in her panties). Sign any papers she wants you to and be sure to use the "old Guys" name.  Remember, you are now that person you sent to Disneyland.

       STEP NO. 3 - After you leave the Real Estate quickly change into a FAG (disguise) and return to the office.  This time introduce yourself as yourself but don't tell her you're FAGGED.  Say that you are looking for a house for around $170,000.00

and you need to consummate the purchase within 30 days or you will lose tax credits. (She will think she's in heaven having been consummated twice in the same day).  She will then tell you about the house you just listed with her when you were UNFAGGED.  Tell her you'll take it.  After you pick her up from the floor arrange to meet in her office the next day to sign contracts.  Leave again, discard the FAG and return to her office as the old guy who looks like you. (Be careful not to get confused as to who you are).  She'll no doubt exclaim in triumph how she found a buyer for your house using her vast real estate connections.  Pat her on the head and agree to sign contracts the next day. (She will not have time to be suspicious having been swept off her feet by the thought of making a $17,000.00 commission in 30 days).       STEP NO. 4 - After you leave the real estate office go straight to a Lawyer.  You are still the old guy without the FAG.  Tell the Lawyer you've sold a house but must leave town for at least two months and you are willing to give him "Power of Attorney" to act in your place.  Then slip $1,000.00 cash in his hand as partial payment and tell him he gets $2,000.00 more when the deals complete.  That should quench his thirst and quiet his curiosity.  At the contract signing the next day, you will show up as yourself in a FAG pretending to be the purchaser.  You will be buying the house for $170,000.00 and agreeing to put $20,000.00 down.  However, you will suggest to the real estate agent and the Lawyer that the contract be altered to read a purchase price of $190,000.00.  That way you can apply to a bank for a $170,000.00 mortgage which will cover the whole price of the house. (Most banks require at least 10% down and thus will not finance more than 90% of the purchase price.  If your bank requires more than 10% down adjust the contract price accordingly).  Neither the broker nor the Lawyer should object since they both profit from the deal going through and this type of bank fraud is common.  You will not have to turn over a $20,000.00 check since the mortgage now covers the whole price. If the Lawyer feels he must consult his client to get approval, excuse yourself for a moment, race to an outside phone, call the Lawyer to see how things are going and give him your approval. (You need not remove your FAG while making the call since he can't see you).  After the contracts are signed go to Step 6.

       STEP NO. 6 - Step Number 6 has been repealed.  If you are reading a version of this book published before it was written you should disregard this step.

       STEP NO. 7 - You must now apply for a mortgage in the amount of $170,000.00.  Select a bank that offers a "No Asset Check" loan commonly called "No Income Check" loan, which means the same thing. (the interest rate will be higher, but, since you won't be making the payments who cares).  You will find the bank mortgage representative very helpful in filling out the forms.  She will tell you what figures to put down as your income and assets to get the loan approved.  Even though the information is false, no one checks it out. (That's why it is a No Asset Check Loan).  The mortgage representative wants you to get approved so she can get her commission.  (Usually 1% of the mortgage.  In your case that's $1700.00).  You will note we refer to the representative as she.  This is for much the same reason that we refer to the broker as she also).  Because the loan requires no "checking"  it can be approved in less than ten days. Go now to Step 9.

       STEP NO. 8 - The bank will require you obtain Title Insurance on the property. (You, meaning you as the purchaser).  This is to insure that the bank's mortgage money is protected.  The Title Company will visit the property and check to see if you (the old man) has clear title to the house.  The bank will also send someone over to make sure the house is worth $190.000.00.  (The price on the contract).  That's why you sent the old boy to Disneyland.  You don't want him walking around chatting with these people and blowing the deal.  Everything should check out fine as long as you did your homework.  In about 30 days you'll be at the closing and Step 10.

       STEP 9 - The closing is where the deed passes to the buyer and the money goes to the seller.  You appear as the buyer (FAGGED) and the Lawyer, with the Power of Attorney, appears for the old man (you) who is the seller.  You should contact the Lawyer shortly before the closing and arrange to pick up the check at his office sometime after the closing.

       Appearing at the closing, beside you and the Lawyer, will be a Bank Attorney, a clerk from the Title Company and the Real Estate Broker.  The only thing these people will be interested in is getting their commission or fee.  The broker gets $19,000.00, the Lawyer gets his other $2,000.00, the Title Company gets about $2,500.00 for the Insurance premium and the State of New York gets a couple of grand for absolutely nothing.  The State does not even have the decency to send a representative nor will it mail you a "good luck in your new house card", as thanks for the percentage it gets.  This will leave about $145,000.00 left for the seller (The fees and commissions will be paid by the bank from the proceeds of the loan in separate checks leaving the attorney for the old man (you) sitting with a check for the balance).

       CAVEAT:  Some Title Insurance Companies refuse to close a deal unless the seller is actually present and produces photo I.D.

This is a rare occurrence, but, it does not cause the "House Flip" to fail.  If this happens you will have to make an adjustment to meet this requirement.  No, you won't have to split yourself in half or keep running in and out of the room putting on your FAG and removing it as your attempt to play both roles.  Instead of a lawyer with Power of Attorney representing the "old man", at the closing another lawyer will have to be hired to stand in for you, the buyer, so you, the seller can be there.  (read that sentence again slowly if you didn't get it the first time).

       The Photo I.D. can be obtained from the New York State Motor Vehicle Bureau.  They issue Photo I.D. Non-Drivers licenses to non drivers.  They are easy to obtain and require little identification.  A couple of pieces of mail and a fake Birth Certificate will do.

        STEP NO. 10 - Just show up at the lawyer's office after the closing and pick up the check for $145,000.00.  When you leave his office the only problem you'll have is figuring out how to cash a check made out to the old man!  Actually if you didn't skip Step No. 5 you would know what to do.  You say you did not skip any steps.  According to our count you read eight (8) steps including Step 6 which was repelled.  You are now reading Step No. 10 instead of Step 9 which means that somewhere along the line you skipped a step.  We are therefore printing the step you skipped below.

       STEP NO. 5 (Previously skipped by the reader)

       After you receive a check for $145,000.00 made out to the old man simply sign the old man's name on the back and deposit it in your account.  When we say "your" account we refer to a bank account that you have access to.  Open an account under a false name so that the check cannot be traced to you.  After the check clears withdraw cash from the account in amounts under $5,000.00 until you have taken the entire $145,000.00.  Withdrawals over $5,000.00 in cash are reportable and we don't want anything reported.

       After reading this step it becomes obvious that it does not fit after Step 4 and you might say that this step is out of step with the other steps.  Perhaps the fact that its a misfit step explains why you skipped it to begin with.  But Step 5 should not follow Step 10 and to call it Step 11 would imply that there are 11 steps when in fact there are 10 steps and to do so would give the appearance that a step was skipped.  To rectify this puzzling situation you may change the designation of Step No. 5 to Step No. 10A so that if you count all the steps and look at the last step number the two figures will be consistent.  If, however, you are still troubled by the fact that every time you read all the steps you keep missing Step 5 then simply rename Step 6, Step 5.  That way if Step 6 is missing its absence can be explained by the fact that Step 6 was repealed as was previously stated.

       NOTE:  In case you were wondering who gets left holding the bag when its discovered that the closing was a fraud permit us to briefly add this postscript to our steps.

       a) The old man cannot lose his home since he never sold it. (We know that eases your conscience).

       b)  The Lawyer, although involved in a fraud, can save his ass if he claims that you produced false I.D. which led him to believe the transaction was legitimate.  He may be asked to return the $2,000.00 he was paid from the proceeds of the loan and will probably refuse.  He will argue that the money was paid to him by his fake client after receiving the loan.  The Bank will argue that a loan to a thief is not valid and therefore it was never the thief's money.  The bank may sue the Lawyer.  If so, the Lawyer will fight the lawsuit.  Two years later they will settle and the Lawyer will return $750.00 to the bank.

        c)  The bank can turn to the Title Insurance Company and say "You insured that a "good" title would be given our buyer.  It wasn't.  Pay Up!"  The Insurance Company will then pay up. 

       d)  The Real Estate Broker will keep the $19,000.00 because nobody's going to mess with her.  She refers business to the banks and the Title Company so neither one will want to bite the hand that feeds it.

       e)  The Title Insurance Company is out the money.  No ones going to cry for them.  They charge huge premiums to insure against an event that hardly ever occurs.  When it does happen they just raise their premiums to cover the loss.

       So, you see, no one really loses and some even benefit.  Using the "House Flip" combined with the credit card Bonanza will give you between $350,000.00 - $400,000.00.  To put you safely over the $500,000.00 goal we suggest you use the following method which is perfectly legal and guaranteed to bring in at least $200,000.00.

THE "HAND'EM CONDOM" DISTRIBUTORSHIP

       Thanks to a new business opportunity created by the New York City Board of Education you can make hundreds of thousands of dollars as a Condom Distributor.  The former School Chancellor, Joseph Fernandez, (we mention his name because he deserves your admiration) decreed mandatory condom distribution in all New York City Public Schools.  This edict requires all male students to wear a condom to school in grades 9-12.  The number of students involved numbers in the hundreds of thousands and the quantity of condoms that are needed exceeds one million per week.  The City Office of the Budget has projected an estimated $150,000,000 cost of compliance.  This is a complete departure from previous sex education  policy and has opened new frontiers for those with an entrepreneurial flare.  Before discussing the distribution program we believe it would be helpful to give you a brief history of sex in the schools.

BRIEF HISTORY OF SCHOOL SEX

      Prior to this precedent setting move sex in school was limited to teacher and clerk typist II positions.  Principles, Guidance Counselors, Janitors etc. were not permitted to participate in any sanctioned sexual activities.  The sex that was permitted was strictly limited within job titles.  For example English Teachers could only fuck English Teachers, Math Teachers were allowed to fuck Math Teachers and Spanish Teachers were allowed to fuck Spanish, French, German and Italian teachers as long as they were licensed by the language department.

       Teachers generally selected areas of the school where they were the most comfortable when engaging in fucking.  English teachers liked the faculty room.  Math teachers enjoyed sex in the bathrooms where they could develop multiple organisms while counting the number of tiles on the ceiling.  Gym teachers picked the gym out of a basic lack of imagination. Sex between students was forbidden and actively discouraged by creating myths to scare the kids.  One widely circulated story was that playing with your penis (which we will call a "Joey" in honor of Chancellor Joseph "Joey" Fernandez) can cause serious vision defects which can eventually lead to blindness.  Further enforcing this taboo was the warning that jerking your "Joey" could cause it to fall off.  One of our favorite myths concerns the vagina. (Or Female Reproductive Orgasmic Genitalia which we have shortened to Frog).  It was widely believed that touching a Frog with your "Joey" could produce warts.  This belief was reinforced when students would observe old men standing by urinals for 15-20 minutes praying for something to happen.  It was said that after a lifetime of rubbing ones joey on some frog so many warts developed on the tip of the joey that urination became almost impossible.

       With the help of these and other myths students were held in check and the policy on school sex was maintained in this manner for many years.  However, as the intelligence of the student population declined their ability to understand and appreciate the dangers professed by the myths also deteriorated.  Boys were heard to say "Can't I do it just until I need glasses?"  Some boys even thought that warts on the joey were a sign of manhood and painted them on so they could show-off to the other guys.  This stupidly has increased in recent years to the point where most students think that Aids are the "fat ladies that yell at you in the lunch room."

       This sorry state has led to an explosion in teenage pregnancies, an epidemic increase in sexually transmitted disease and soft contact lenses.  What was the school board to do?  Ignoring the problem would not make the warts disappear.  Bold and decisive action was required.  Mandatory condom distribution was the only solution.  This would prevent pregnancies, diseases, and warts.

 

THE JOEY EDICT

       Joseph Fernandez, rising to the challenge,  issued what has come to be known at the "Joey Edict".  All High School males must wear a condom to school everyday.  The condoms are distributed to the students every Friday for use the following week.  Each male student receives 7 condoms from his homeroom teacher and may visit the nurse's office during regular school hours to receive additional ones if needed.

       Sexual activity is limited to the last ten minutes of each class period, and lunch.  Fucking is forbidden during gym due to Federal safety requirements.  After school intramural sex has been added as a participation sport, however, funding for beds, mattresses etc. has not as yet been provided by the Board of Education.  While sex is now permissible it should be noted that sex in all its forms and configurations is subject to parental consent.  The following permission slip must be signed and returned to the School office:

                    FUCKING CONSENT FORM 5B32/92

              (Formerly the Consent To Fuck Form 6R45)

     My Son/Daughter                        (fill in name if known) has my permission to engage in the following Sexual Activities.

   1.  Natural Fucking, Supervised        yes         no           

   2.  Unnatural Fucking, Supervised     yes       no

   3.  Fucking, Natural or otherwise unsupervised     yes   no

   4.  Fucking other Students       yes       no

   5.  Fucking Teachers        yes        no

   6.  Being Fucked by Teachers       yes      no

   7.  Fucking other School Personnel      yes       no

   8.  If Yes to #7  in Job Titles where fucking is

       permissible                                              

   9.  Sucking, Jerking, Rubbing etc.      yes      no

  10.  If Yes to #9 briefly describe type of activity permitted                       

                                                                                 (Please sign your name or alias, if registered with the New York City Police Department.

 

Please indicate if you are signing as Parent, Guardian, Boyfriend or Girlfriend of Parent, and if so, please indicate if paternity has been established by Court Order.

 

                                                                  

       As you can easily observe, the condom industry has become a growth business in New York City.  With $150,000,000 budgeted for the purchase of condoms there is tremendous profits to be made by those who have the foresight to get in on the ground floor.  As we write, this money is being distributed among the various local school boards in New York City.  Each local board may then contract out the purchase of condoms to any supplier it chooses.  All you need do is contact the president of any local school board and offer to provide all the condoms they need.  The price is not important to the board president since it's his "Kickback" that will either make or break the deal. (We understand that in New York City all government contracts provide kickbacks to officials which supplement their salaries and bring their earnings to a level competitive with private industry.  This saves the taxpayer money since salary levels are kept constant and no tax increases are necessary to provide government officials with raises).

       If you are unable to make a deal with a local school board you might try selling condoms outside school from a push cart.  To be successful you'll need novelty condoms to attract sales.  There are many companies that sell them in various colors and flavors, but, to be really unique you might consider printing slogans on them such as "Say Yes To Sex", "Private Dick" or "Tricky Dick" for the political science students.  You could also print answers to math, science or history questions on them to aid students during tests.  If the kid gets stuck all he has to do is open his pants.  If the teacher accuses him of cheating he can just say he's playing with his joey.  This might seem unfair to girls but, if God intended them to have the right answers he would have given them a joey too! -

       Should you for one reason or another fail to score in the "Handem Condom" distribution you could still hit it big as a Joey inspector.  Since the "Joey Edict" mandates the wearing of condoms, enforcement has taken the form of random Joey inspections.  There are no firms currently involved in inspecting "Joeys" so if you move quickly you could corner the market.  You could even use your surgeons gloves provided in the CLOD kit in performing your task.

       You must act quickly.  Time, money and sex wait for no man.  If you follow our financial plan there is no reason why you could not amass $500,000 or more as your "golden parachute".

       CAVEAT:  It occurred to us that you might become too successful using these methods, and accumulate so much money that it could deter you from committing a "For Profit" murder, especially if the profit involved is less than the cash you've amassed.  Don't allow your purpose to be determined solely by greed for man does not live by money alone.  Keep in mind that a man's character is based on achievement, setting goals and seeing them through to completion.  Also keep in mind that money is like food, no matter how much you get, you'll always need more!

 

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Tod Schneider wrote 671 days ago

Highly amusing, equally appalling, tongue firmly in cheek, this is a refreshing yet shocking look at homicide in the big Apple. Well written, certainly! Best of luck with this!
Tod
The Lost Wink
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

patio wrote 824 days ago

I thought Authonomy was for amateur writers. Or have I read wrong? You are pro! wow, your work is immaculate. You hooked me from the start. The information well researched and presented well. Its easy to read and understand. I definitely want a hard copy.

rastafolux wrote 840 days ago

I am glad you enjoyed the book. As far as a barf bag goes, they are available on most airlines and can be used to effectively to hide marajuana. You must of course use the bag in order to cover up the marajuana. The presence of vomit in the bag deters security from searching, though , it could also discourage you from smoking the weed, which is not a bad thing. If you don't like people sitting next to you on the plane just take out the bag and cough a few times and you'll feel like you're sitting in business class. thanks again, Mike

Well, I am now highly motivated by your Helpful Guide to Murder, Michael. My mind is busy thumbing through a mental phone book of victims as I write. I have learned so much. I adore this! And I guarantee the Brits will love it - it matters not a jot that it is written about New York - this is humour that will go down perfectly in the UK. Six stars. Well done! Natalie
PS: Where can I buy a barf bag?

Natalie1 wrote 840 days ago

Well, I am now highly motivated by your Helpful Guide to Murder, Michael. My mind is busy thumbing through a mental phone book of victims as I write. I have learned so much. I adore this! And I guarantee the Brits will love it - it matters not a jot that it is written about New York - this is humour that will go down perfectly in the UK. Six stars. Well done! Natalie
PS: Where can I buy a barf bag?

Natalie1 wrote 840 days ago

I am going to enjoy reading this Michael - I've managed the first chapter and it's hilarious! Just my kind of satirical book! If ever I decide to commit a crime in New York I will certainly hire you to get me off ;-) I've backed it because I love your style from your previous work and this looks as if it won't disappoint. Natalie (The diary of John Crow)

Wanttobeawriter wrote 860 days ago

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER
What a good idea for a book: both entertaining and practical. I enjoyed your writing style: clear and crisp with a hint of humor besides. I’m sure you’re going to find a wide audience for this not ony among people who are planning a murder, but all of those like me who are just interested in learning more about the legal system. Highly rated and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

bigmouth wrote 913 days ago

Hugely politically incorrect but great fun. I fear the New York angle makes it less attractive to a global publisher but if it was reworked in a more general way I think you could be on to something!

CitCat wrote 914 days ago

This is very wicked and funny. Shelved by me!

Linda Lou wrote 917 days ago

HOWTO GET AWAY WITH MURDER IN NEW YORK
MICHAEL SCHWED
hullo Michael. I regret not reading this book sooner. I spent the majority of the day in my office, at home since I do work for the GOV, reading this to the end. Anyone who was listening must have heard me laughing over and over. As a member of the Mystery Writers of America, I will be in New York for our Edgar Award's in April. Other than the fact that I would thoroughly enjoy meeting either of the authors of this book, you should consider joining MWA since it is indeed a mystery how this 'book' has not been snatched up by editors and publishers standing in line to learn your tricks. Very funny in the total truthfulness of your subject. My MS is not really a comedy since serious killers are not often considered amusing but you might enjoy peeking at it for a brief moment being as how you are no doubt familiar with murder. And thanks for that. You have been starred! LLL

strachan gordon wrote 1046 days ago

An hilarious first chapter and I must say , if you have spent that amount of time in the jungle of the American Justice system , then I feel the utmost respect for you it makes most other forms of employment seem issue and risk free. Watchlisted and starred . I wonder if you would have the time to look back at some Piratical miscreants in the 17th century in my novel 'A Buccaneer' , with best wishes from Strachan Gordon.

Killer Queen wrote 1129 days ago

Its a brave person that labels there own book funny since whats funny to one, not necessary to another ,... but this lives up to the billing ... Its a hoot.. Looking forward to reading more

KQ

elmo2 wrote 1130 days ago

it's funny, waiting for the legalese, i am sure you get to it later on in the book, i only read the first couple chapters, had some good laughs, i love your shameless promotion, even in your book description, can you keep the laughs coming for the whole book, i am betting that you can, well black humor is much better than vitriol i think, that might read to murder and a good reason for reading your book and you don't need to do it seeing you wrote it, i am glad to give this book a good rating and put it on my watch list, i will most likely back it soon, as soon as i move some books off my shelf, i would appreciate it if you gave a look at one of my pieces, i just put up a piece called 'the noise not heard' that i would like a comment on

Raymond Terry wrote 1154 days ago

Well if this isn't just an absolute hoot then I don't know what else it could be. Legal, without the obtuse legalese jargon most lawyers crave from infancy (or at least from the first year of law school), and thoroughly deserving of several stars. OK, dare I mention that there are some typos and editing slips?

Oh well, forget I mentioned the typos and editing, I could have been confused. I frequently am, confused that is and at the least I was out of town when the typos occurred. Besides, nobody saw me anywhere near the manuscript when I was reading. The last thing in the world I want to do here is set myself up for a revenge killing by either of these two guys. They know all the angles.

And to think that all this time I have been transporting a shovel around in my truck in case I had to deal with a sudden death when there were so many things I didn't know.

Right now I'm going to sit down with a fag and read this again. It was that much fun. And by the way, forget the index. When I grew up a fag was a cigarette, or maybe a stick. I suppose either one could be considered a contact weapon though...As I told you, I get confused. RT

Nigel Fields wrote 1268 days ago

Cleverly written. Loved the format and humor. Kudos, and 6 stars!
Cheers!
John B Campbell

Rhonda9080 wrote 1269 days ago

Crime and satire!!! Awesome!!! Have you been a lawyer in another life? I did a lot of crime reporting for a while, and you've nailed it. Big 6 stars!!!

billysunday wrote 1293 days ago

Funny, clever, and very cynical! Love it and will buy for myself and friends for Christmas. Good luck.

billysunday wrote 1295 days ago

This is hysterical! Your dry sense of humor and legalese make me continue to read!

billysunday wrote 1296 days ago

Sad to say it's easier to get away with murder than be convicted. Look forward to your read. If time, try 33 out. Dina

billysunday wrote 1296 days ago

Sad to say it's easier to get away with murder than be convicted. Look forward to your read. If time, try 33 out. Dina

Zangler wrote 1367 days ago

backed for now and happy to do it.
Good luck with it.
Crossing The Line
Christopher

LonnieNonnie wrote 1371 days ago

Thank God for the comments! Ploughing through all to see what it was I liked - doing the ratings via the "stars" and as and when I can, will re-back all the books I really enjoyed or which showed promise, in my humble opinion. The Tails of Willie Gusty.

D K Willis wrote 1379 days ago

There's an old expression, "If you can do it, it ain't bragging." You proved this by backing up your claim to be humorous by being very humorous. I thought this was a terrific satire. Very amusing despite the delicate subject matter. Good job. I hope this book gets the attention it deserves. Backed with pleasure.

DK WILLIS
THE THIEF ON THE CROSS

ccb1 wrote 1393 days ago

Added How to Get Away with Murder....to our watchlist. Interesting title. Will read and comment on later.
CC Brown
Dark Side

CarolinaAl wrote 1397 days ago

You provide us an ingenous, zany instructional book. Laugh-out-loud humor. Wonderfully wacky writing. A most entertaining read. Backed.

LonnieNonnie wrote 1398 days ago

Ah, the promise-all pitch… Well, after reading 'other appropriate forms of retribution, how can I do anything but gush? However, you are right, this is very funny indeed. I can well believe there must have been endless giggles writing this. At last, another really funny book. Absolution is my other favourite on this site. Well written too, curses. Best of luck with this. I am sure the first publisher (in New York) you send it to will pick it up. The Tails of Willie Gusty.

LonnieNonnie wrote 1398 days ago

Ah, the promise-all pitch… Well, after reading 'other appropriate forms of retribution, how can I do anything but gush? However, you are right, this is very funny indeed. I can well beleive there must have been endless giggles writing this. At last, another really funny book. Absolution is my other favourite on this site. Well written too, curses. Best of luck with this. I am sure the first publisher (in New York) you send it to will pick it up. The Tails of Willie Gusty.

Mona0622 wrote 1400 days ago

This was great! You definately accomplished the satire you were looking for! I have nearly finished "Chapter 2" (really chapter 1) and plan to read the rest of it very soon. I just wanted to post this before I forgot. Two of my personal favorite lines were "Reach out and grab that piece of the apple – you deserve it" and "Public education – The success of the brain by-pass". I would have been laughing hysterically if I hadn't been in the library. {It was a bad decision on my part to decide to read this in the library, but I had to deal the consqences (ie. side-stitch). It was well worth it though.} Sorry if you think that I'm very long-winded. You wouldn't be the first.

cooee wrote 1402 days ago

How our minds work always amaze me. Certainly a clever and interesting premise, and humorous in places. One can't help wonder how many would buy this, missing the point of the narrative.

Well done.

yasmin esack wrote 1404 days ago

How clever!

Why do you use capitals as in Muders and Private University. Wondered.

I like this
Backed

TMNAGARAJAN wrote 1406 days ago

HOW TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER......
The enticing Introduction induced me to read this book, and I read it partly, not banking upon the so called money back gurantee! Humorous. Enjoyable. Backed.
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

Leslie Rocker wrote 1406 days ago

I welcomed the opportunity to look at this book as so few on authonomy claim to be humorous. The idea is great and obviously supported by sound background experience. Dealing with a subject like this, however, I think one has to be very careful not to play it too straight. Although it is very funny in parts, there are times when it seems to drift into instruction, rather than comedy. But perhaps that is the intention ! I would suggest tightening and lightening the prose to make sure the comic element is always kept foremost.
It also needs editing. I do not usually bother with grammatical or spelling errors, but I found more than there should be. For example I found "peace" instead of "piece"; "lead" not "led", "considered" not "consider", and an instrusive apostrophe - and that was in a quick read.
I hope this does not sound too negative, because the book has promise and I am happy to back it.
One final caveat : what if someone else has read the book and already has their eyes on the millions one has stashed away in the bank ? Fortunately, I do not live in New York and am even less likely to now !
Please have a look at Adam's Apple. It might give you a laugh too.
Leslie Rocker

Iva P. wrote 1407 days ago

Got to have a close look at Aunt Eunice's will. She's got a cat too. ;)

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

M.H.Thonger wrote 1408 days ago

An excellent read and one that should be in the book stores.
Backed with pleasure.
Regards
Mike- The Compulsive Adventurer

Glenn_Johnstone wrote 1408 days ago

Very funny book - one that is hard to put down once you start reading!

Best of luck, and backed with best wishes

Glenn Johnstone (Darkling Child)

M.H.Thonger wrote 1408 days ago

Spotted your book on the new list so i have put it on my watchlist.
Please read ' the compulsive adventurer' for a rollicking good journey!
Thanks
mike

Diana-Jane wrote 1410 days ago

HAHAHA I love the instruction manual in the beginning and how you get your money back!!
That is hilarious!! I'm putting you on my list till I read more!! Which will eventually end up being on my shelf!

Good work! So far from what I've read, definitely worthy of publishing! Great shit! NYC baby!
P.S
If you have time, I'd really appreciate it, if you can check out one of my books. I think My Killer Intuition may be more to your liking! Thanks again for a great read!

DJ.Berquist
http://dianajanesworld.webs.com

MY KILLER INTUITION.
FORBIDDEN BLOOD.

Sylvia Lumley wrote 1413 days ago

I don't know what Vanessa means by 'too American'. I'm as English as they come and I love this.

GK Stritch wrote 1414 days ago

How to Get Away With Murder in New York, hmmm, let me count the ways. Money? Connections? Lots of money? A good hiding place in the Meadowlands, Jimmy Hoffa? And, of course, more money? New York, New York, bro. How come this killer title isn't published?

By the way, Schweds, my cover would look great on your New York-centic shelf.

Backed and best.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

La Marmonie wrote 1416 days ago

I'm not sure I should be reading this stuff let alone backing it! But it made me laugh. So I am.

Will you take a look at God of the Cocoa. I would be pleased if you comment, and if it deserves it, please back it. Thanks
Best Wishes - BACKED
Marilyn

Vanessa Darnleigh wrote 1416 days ago

I found this all a bit too much to digest...maybe the idiom is just too American for me!
Best wishes
Stewart

rommyo wrote 1417 days ago

Guys, this is a brilliant concept for a book. See "A Handbook on Hanging"--seriously, see it. Order it from Amazon right now, if you don't know what I'm talking about.

You're smart, but I used to work at "The American Lawyer" magazine and I know: lawyers (largely) have no literary talent.

Your impulses here make me sad, because this would stand out like a wart on a bald head were it executed brilliantly. It would possibly be a sensation. You wouldn't even be here. You'd be at some New Yorker party being literary, legal, satirical heroes.

Find a brilliant ghost-writer who can bring these satirical notions you're hatching into being. I don't know where to start.

What I'm telling you: this sucks. I assume whoever wrote most of this has enough literary pretensions for that to hurt, but seriously: it's a great idea, some of the material here is brilliant, and 99.99%(that is accurate) of people cannot write comic prose. You're tugging on Superman's cape even TRYING to write comic prose--Woody Allen can't do it, almost nobody can. I see your motivation, it's a GREAT idea, so find a literary genius to help. Sorry?

Andrew Burans wrote 1417 days ago

Your long pitch was "dead" on and I thoroughly enjoyed what you have posted so far. You brought a smile to my face on more than one occassion. You know your subject matter extremely well and your smooth flowing writing style is perfect for this genre of book. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

andrew skaife wrote 1418 days ago

Funny. Apposite. Unpretentious. Keenly observed and thoroughly compelling.

BACKED with a giggle in the gut and some second thoughts to be thirding!

Andrew Foley Jones wrote 1418 days ago

having contented with actus reus and mens rea through a fraught criminal law semester this at first brought back memories of dread of our lecturer,a bloated and arrogant man, resembling, when at times, tanned, a space hopper. If only you were that lecturer. A premise that is sublime and I can see, in the periphery of my vision, someone has said the same. I love the introduction and the discount voucher that I have printed off, just in case. Congratulations.

Gary Wedlund wrote 1418 days ago

This is an outstanding premise and a great execution. Well above the average slop on this site. I give it five stars. Oh, that doesn't mean anything? Alright, I'll back it. And, take a look at Satan's Daughter Goes to Pittsburgh. It is another true story about things going badly. Now, if I could only convince myself I wanted to do a crime. Nope, it just ain't in me.

Loved it. Backed it.

Again, check out Satan's Daughter. You'll like it. Also creative and penned by a pro.

rastafolux wrote 1419 days ago

Bundy wanted to be caught. Besides, he killed for fun and that is a NO NO.

It would be easier if I had an identical twin.
This is a good book for anyone who has ever contemplated offing someone they hate.
Valuable pointers on what to avoid.
Thanks for writing this.
I could never figure out why Ted Bundy went to Florida.

Strayer wrote 1419 days ago

It would be easier if I had an identical twin.
This is a good book for anyone who has ever contemplated offing someone they hate.
Valuable pointers on what to avoid.
Thanks for writing this.
I could never figure out why Ted Bundy went to Florida.

Sharon.v.o. wrote 1419 days ago

Michael,
I found myself giggling at my computer. This reminds me of the old instructional videos they made in the 50's. Those were unintentionally funny. This is just funny.
Good luck with it.
Sharon Van Orman
Eve, an Eden's Exiles novel

Nikki B wrote 1419 days ago

funny, funny, funny stuff. Happily backed!

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 1421 days ago

Dear Michael,
Cute, funny, humorous, witty - I like it!

BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

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