Book Jacket

 

rank 1467
word count 18241
date submitted 28.08.2010
date updated 13.06.2013
genres: Fiction, Romance, Fantasy
classification: moderate
incomplete

Shadow Side Up

Kay N Gee

This game of cat and mouse could turn deadly far too quickly.

 

I'm Aila Hall. I work work for Magic Control and I'm a witch. A kind of different witch but I won't get into that right now. Chasing rogue supernaturals is what I do...or did. Now I'm on the hunt for my dad. My group wants justice. Me? I want revenge...and answers.

After I found an old box full of photos and heirlooms, questions arose. Things about my parent's past came uncovered, things that should stay secret. Now, it seems, a whole lot more than just my psychotic psychic father is after me. Werewolves, vampires, shifters, and witches just to name a few.

I don't know who to trust or where to go, but I know one thing. I'll be damned if I'm goin' down without a fight. I want answers.

 
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tags

, action, adventure, agency, agent, air, ancient, aura, betrayal, blood, bloodlines, brownies, claws, confusion, cubs, danger, destiny, dreams, earth,...

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75 comments

 

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LanetD wrote 944 days ago

I read to the end, and was so disappointed that you only have a portion of the book up! Yes, that is a good sign; you kept my interest.

lizjrnm wrote 1166 days ago

This is so good that if I were a publisher Id be dialing you right away! Easy to back this - love the characters, the dialogue is snappy and the storyline is compelling and unique.

Liz
The Cheech Room

DPMartin wrote 1256 days ago

I love this kind of read. So nice be carried away to another world and let loose among such passionate creatures. Backed with pleasure.

Debbie Martin
THE TIMID HEART

missyfleming_22 wrote 1331 days ago

I love reading books that have witches in them but doesn't put them in the broomstick and cauldron category. That's not what a witch is! I love Aila (awesome name by the way) and I think she's a great and strong main character. Very admirable in a sense. I like where this is going, you're taking us into the entire world of fantasy with vampires and werewolves but you're doing it in a new and different way. You're setting this up to be an exciting story.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Mark Cain wrote 587 days ago

This is a fun read. It reminds me a little of the Dresden files, though it's not as dark. Also, Aila is an insider, and Dresden is an outsider, in the law enforcement game.Still, similarities, and that's good, because Dresden is popular.

Witches, wizards, vampires, werewolves. It's always enjoyable when they play together in the same story. I read most of what you had posted, and you've done a good job. High stars. congrats!

Lenny Banks wrote 600 days ago

Hi Kay, I read chapter 4. I enjoyed reading this piece, it is creative and you have a good graps on the characters and the story you are trying to tell. I feel it's quite raw, I had to re-read several sentences and I knwo mine was like that when I first loaded it up. Someone advised me to read what I had written back to myself, it's a great way to notice the spelling and grammar errors. I noted a couple fo Nit Piks, hope you don't mind:
The Pitch needs an edit '...I work work for magic control...' too much work I think, '...Gave me batter control...' this should be better, '... Hunter then proceeded to march the trees back in front of the truck...' I am not sure what you mean here, is there another word you could use? But overal it was quite entertaining, good luck with this there is a lot of demand for Vampire and Warewolf stories.

Kindest Regards and Best Wishes
Lenny Banks - Tide and Time: At The Rock

EllieMcG wrote 602 days ago

Shadow Side Up:
A good start - definitely your first couple paragraphs (in my very humble, very amateur opinion) are the twitchiest, but after that, it's very smooth, entertaining reading. Your dialogue is very funny - I think it's absolutely your strength. 
I like Aila's dry voice and chaotic life (I can very much relate!), and she's a great MC that I immediately like. Her interactions with Hunter, Dave, Chief Mason and Elle are distinct, and engaging. In two chapters, I know you've got rounded, interesting supporting characters, and the read is pretty good so far. 
Here's a few nit-picks. I hope they're helpful! 

Chapter 1:

The call came in about an hour ago - since this is all in past tense, should be "an hour before"
I sat there, starring at my phone - typo (staring)
what it would say, another murder - I think another murder would have more impact as its own sentence.

I fell asleep surprisingly fast. - I think this should be "I fell asleep quickly" as "fast" isn't grammatically correct here. 

On a side note, you start a lot of sentences with "I" - you might want to change this up

Chapter 2:
Great opening scene. I could really picture it (and laughed!)

My guardian Angel to be exact - Another Great line.
Actually, far fewer nitpicks in this chapter. Mostly, the same with starting too many sentence with "I" - its a habit I get into myself, and annoying to change up, but it's worth going through and trying to vary the narrative that way. Otherwise, these opening chapters are really fun - seriously, I'm a bit jealous of some of your dialogue. Great stuff.

Anyway, I hope this was helpful - I'm definitely happy to read some more of SSU, so let me know if you want me to keep going with the crits. 
Ellie

Sara Stinson wrote 602 days ago

Hi Kay,
I have read the first 3 chapters you have loaded. I enjoyed what I read. You have a good story brewing! Magical stories are a great read for young and older. And you have one I am sure will charm its way to the top!
Many Stars!
Sara Stinson
Finger Bones

patio wrote 605 days ago

I like the title by the way. Its much better than the overused 'Upside Down'

patio wrote 605 days ago

Witches and phones, mm, not sure. Witches were before the mobile phone technology but well done for crafting this story

Philthy wrote 939 days ago

Title: Like the title

Short pitch: “supernaturals” shouldn’t have an apostrophe after it as it’s not possessive.
Long pitch: Hmmm, I’m not a fan of this. There’s intrigue there, but it takes a bit of a read to get the hook. Some may like it, but it’s not really my style, I guess (The pitch, not the story).

Chapter One:
“Oak-wood” oak doesn’t need to be capitalized.

“…but you know Elle” Should be a comma before “but”

“he had said automatically” Don’t need the “had” and I’m not sure what you mean by automatically. I think you mean he replied without thinking about what he said, but not sure this is the right word choice.

Good start! I really like your voice (and this coming from a picky reviewer). You have a wonderful sense of dialogue, great character depth and a good scene here. Kind of reminds me of a fantasy with some avatar features, with a character who resembles someone out of final fantasy.

Good stuff! If you haven’t already checked it out, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if interested. I’d love to know your thoughts.

Good luck with this!
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

"From the Brutal Honesty Group"

Lacydeane wrote 944 days ago

I found your story interesting and easy to read. You introduce very likeable characters. I am not a big witch fan; I don't even watch Harry Potter, but you make me like your witch characters.
I found a few typos I think you might like to fix.
Hunter gripped his staff even tighter -- you have griped
Or about all of the chores I needed to do when I got home --you have get
Mason's interrogating your dad -- you need to add the apostrophe
Thank you again for taking the time to write a very good book. And it's the perfect time of year to get the other members reading with Halloween just around the corner.
Lacy

LanetD wrote 944 days ago

I read to the end, and was so disappointed that you only have a portion of the book up! Yes, that is a good sign; you kept my interest.

luckyfish09 wrote 946 days ago

I loved it! I'm really into fantasy/ mystery story lines so I greatly enjoyed your first chapter. Your writing flows well and is easy to follow. Great detail and characters. You have a few grammar errors, but who doesn't? XD Kudos.

luckyfish09
Spellbound

Nabahood23 wrote 972 days ago

I've added you to my watch list. Before you say thank you, you are more than welcome. I will read it but I will leave one comment. Don't like to litter pages with comments when one over all will do. Please be patient and be kind enough to remind me if you do not recieve a review in a few days. I've placed my latest non-fiction here for review feel free to read it. https://www.facebook.com/ReginaldLeviWalker

http://www.authonomy.com/books/36384/are-islam-judaism-and-christianity-just-imitations-of-the-real-thing-/

So, what is the role of imitation in the life of a Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, and those who characterize themselves as the household of God? Did you know Religion and Humanity rhymes with confusion and insanity? You do know that is what we have right now. In today's world, everyone is doing what they want as they want. We believe the conspired imagination of men that we come from nothingness or the God of peace calls for war. Therefore, so that a man think so shall that man be. In our rush to disbelieve in God we have now discovered that without the guiding light that comes from the throne of God, we live in a world lost in confusion and insanity. Moreover, Religion and Humanity can not get mad at nor disown this fruit because they planted the seed. OH, I think I said something there. That is why I am glad I am not a Muslim, a Jew, and Christianity kicked me to the curb. I am just a lowly insignificant outcast and a man chosen by God trying to get home by following the way of Jesus. So, will you please read my book.

Thanking you in advance for your consideration;
Pastor Reginald Levi Walker aka Preacher

http://www.authonomy.com/books/36384/are-islam-judaism-and-christianity-just-imitations-of-the-real-thing-/

E. Yazykova wrote 987 days ago

Here's the honest to god opinion on the first chapter - I think your action works really well, as well the descriptions in those action scenes. But the dialogue needs work and lots of it. There's a lot of description between the strings of dialogue that tamper with its flow. If you weed those a bit, and make the description in the dialogue more relevant, you will improve it a lot. Also, the characters seem to "smile" at each other a lot. That one word really tripped me up, just try circling it on a page, and you'll know what I mean. Another thing is that you're trying to do too much world exposition through dialogue. Try a little narration between chunks of it, as well as in action scenes, it will help immense the reader in your world.
Now to the good stuff - beside the description, the story moves at a nice pace, I always like action-packed stories. Urban magic is good stuff in general, especially when mixed with good investigation and fight scenes. Try reading some more detective/police stories, they will give you a good foundation for a lot of things in your work. Also, if you haven't yet read Jim Butcher's "Dresden Files," do so, they're a fantastic example of this genre. Best of luck with this!

E. Yazykova wrote 988 days ago

I'm definitely not one to resist a supernatutal investigation type novel. Backing now, reading later. ;)

Bookworm88 wrote 1139 days ago

I read up until chapter 4 and it is so good! I love the plot, characters, and everything else! I would definitely buy this. Every time I start to get confused, it all gets explained a little later. I will totally finish what you have by the end of the week (if not day).

Brooke

Jay Adiyarath wrote 1140 days ago

Hi,

New trends in writing is welcome as in Queen of Shadows....that's how literature evolves.
Backed with please and starred.

Jay Adiyarath

Charmain wrote 1159 days ago

This is a great read, you definitly have talent and the story is original from most vampire books; so that's good. The one thing that I don't really like is that you are telling the reader what is going on, rather than showing them what is happening. It takes away the element of surprise when a book is written that way and it can get monotonous after awhile. Other than that I love your story and I hope you continue.

Charmain

lizjrnm wrote 1166 days ago

This is so good that if I were a publisher Id be dialing you right away! Easy to back this - love the characters, the dialogue is snappy and the storyline is compelling and unique.

Liz
The Cheech Room

DesiS. wrote 1175 days ago

Excellent first chapter- grabs the reader's attention and create interest in the story- I like the character of Liam a lot. However later chapters seem to drag some- it would be nice if the main characters could meet sooner to preserve the pace of the story. There are some typos- some with punctuation missing commas and such. Other examples- Chapter 2 "I started work their (there) when I turned twenty." and "I have barley (barely) left this state,..." Chapter 11- "If (you?) still have doubts after a few days..." Chapter 12- "I9 walked out from around the shack." Chapter 16- ..."it's the feeling they get when they hid out (hit our?) magic barrier." and "If she didn't willing (willingly?) tell me then..." and "He (His?) smile has gone again..." Hope this is helpful. Best of Luck. Desi.

stephen racket wrote 1242 days ago

My heart sinks when I start reading yet another story involving vampires, but I thought this was well written and had elements of originality. I read the first 2 chapters and enjoyed your descriptive style of writing. Your big problem will be making this stand out from all the other vampire stuff out there. I really like the walkers! Good luck.

fh wrote 1256 days ago

QUEEN OF SHADOWS.
The first chapter has a great start. Stylish and entertaining. I thoroughly enjoyed what I read.

The descriptions are vivid and the placing of the characters within the story is good. You weave a personality to these characters without giving away too much and entice the reader for more.
Plot develops as we get further into the story.
This is nice work and I believe holds some promise as a fantasy read with forbidden love - a great combination.
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

DPMartin wrote 1256 days ago

I love this kind of read. So nice be carried away to another world and let loose among such passionate creatures. Backed with pleasure.

Debbie Martin
THE TIMID HEART

K A Smith wrote 1256 days ago

Chapter 3

and then back at the (use a dash here, rather than ellipsis and exclamation mark) What the hell?

sure enoughenough the creek was (had?) moved.

I felt an odd tie to this lady. I felt an odd tie to her. (?)

a pang of remorse for the young girl, then I snapped out of it.

I was her to spy, not feel sorry.

bending over the dark haired ladywoman(?) I wasn't sure about ladywoman, especially as he has just though of her as a young girl.

bird(-)like feathers on the top part(,) closest to her body

like eagle feathers. Shorter(,) white dove(-)like feathers

Then they got quite (quiet) and the angel finally lowered her wings.

my life before the change flashed of my first few days flipped ... This is a muddled sentence.

It was always packed(,) which guaranteed my job.

A tall man flicked (unsure about wordchoice here) into my mind's eye.

Chapter 4

if we can help it(,) but our High Priestess was not exactly

"Are you crazy? That women (woman) would have me committed(,) or worse(,) stripped

my words were harsh, but Elle knew I was right.

"Aila(,) I didn't know what else to do(.) Besides(,) your (you're) fine now(,) so there is nothing to worry about.

blinded the passer bys (passers-by)

This kind of field magic took at least two Earth uses to do. Call me stupid (everyone else does), but I didn't really follow this sentence.

I thought it strange myself(,) but I guess that would include spirits and ghosts. My mother (I don't think you need the But)

I feel it too(,/;/-) but it's not going to be bad.

every time she left(,) no matter how many times

and headed inside. I made myself a sandwich (you don't need the Once in).

I set them both on the couch while I ran and changed out of my muddy clothes.

It was nine o'clock when Aila asked the time, there was a bit of business with the Chief, she shifts a creek, goes inside and makes a sandwich, flips through some papers and all of a sudden it's four in the afternoon. The feel of elapsed time does not tally here.

"I will see if I can be in the room with you."
(New paragraph) I couldn't help a smile. I mean(,) don't get me wrong(,)

You change to past tense all of a sudden - David was instead of David is. This is confusing, especially as you have been writing about the future just before this.

not the looks(,) of course(,) but the power.

some soil from the plant on the window seal (sill)

cleansing spell my mother taught me(,) then got comfortable(,) or at least as much as was possible on a hard wooden chair(,) and closed my eyes.

I took long deep breathes (breaths)

a faint yellow aura radiated around me(,) a sure sign

placed respectably (respectively) at each point

and the ball of colours bounce(d) high into the air.

Good. Why don't you come down to the OMCA tomorrow morning(,) say about nine o'clock(,) building four. Ugh(!) Cow. He knew I would accept.

"Stupid red-headed ...." I mumbled out a few obscenities and hulked to the bed. (It won't be a few more, as she hasn't given vent to any obscenities yet).

"Who does he think he is(?)" I was now pacing in front of my bed(,) hands clenched by my sides.

If she sees flames, as opposed to flame, then it will be They licked up my arm and danced around my fist.

I would have a three star break here, rather than a paragraph break.


***


I slept restlessly but dreamlessly. Alarm blaring(,) I pulled ...
Otherwise it seems as if she went to bed pretty much straight after talking to the Chief, at five o'clock or thereabouts.

I half-fell, half-flew back on the bed, arms outstretched, and sighed.

I laid (lay) there for another minute

I haven't seen Terrance since I was sixteen(,) at least

I blew a whole (hole) right through the main door.

tell me out (how) much of a disappointment I turned out to be.

made something of herself(,) not sit there and cry like a child.

and different smaller classes(,) like the Brownies and Pixies(,)

a little the worse for wear, but ready

what Terrance knew(,) plain and simple.

Chapter 5

When Liam is asked to spy on Alia (chapter 1), it is the day before full moon. In chapter 3, he watches her for a little while. Now it is nowhere near full moon. I would have though it would be maybe the day after. How long has it taken him to do a few a little bit of spying?

"Ah(,) Liam, so nice of you to join us."

She didn't breath (breathe), I noted.

Very well then(.) Mora(,) this is the wolf pup (cub?)

Gilles has become Giles here.

"For Death(')s sake(,) dog(,) do speak more than one word.

Please sit(,) I would like to hear of you(r) travels in detail.

but make no mistake in thinking the like is not true. I did not understand this.

I hesitated(,) but thought it might make

Great(,) now we may begin. The word Great seemed out of character for a high status vampire. Wonderful? Marvellous?

"Very interesting(.) I don't think you need the yet.

"No(,) why(?) What is she? I asked(,) a little more comfortable than I was (had been?).

What does that mean(?) I thought she was a witch(.) Isn't that magic for witches? (this sentence wasn't entirely clear to me).

... talking about(.) "And what is a fae?"

You and I(,) on some level(,) I suppose

are decedents (descendants) from the more powerful fae

He sits (on) the throne of the Unseelie court, or better known as the Slaugh (you don't need the or)

All you need to do(,) wolf pup

I'm not conviced by the use of the word field for an area or sphere of magical competence. Maybe art, or skill, or discipline, or element ...

K A Smith wrote 1256 days ago

Chapter 2

Who the hell knows? I thought.

I woke barley (barely) able to catch my breath, drenched in sweat.

OMCA - I couldn't see the point of Official, just calling it the MCA seems better.

I started work their (there) when I turned twenty. I had been having my dream for two years by then ...

Only put big numbers in numerals, spell out the small ones.

I have barley (barely) left this state.

Uh I can't concentrate. The Uh needs a comma or a period after it, possibly a!

a sudden flare(,) a heat.

My mouth was dry and I(?) the air around me crackled.

for somebody, anybody(,) but ... Nothing. - I'm not sure you need the nothing.

Soror ... Sister? I would make this the start of a new paragraph.

Her gazed (gaze) was sceptical.

I always hated it when she was over-protective (should be hyphenated)

"... using spells last week and--" a dash rather than a comma here, as she is interrupted.

As Elle is an angel, should she be saying God, rather than god?

I knew I grated (on) her nerves when I did that

a dark, sensual (sensuous?) brown

a small amount out (of) power from each

I had always been favourable of the fire field. I thought this sentence was a little awkward.

Everyone was in shock(,) or scared (-/,) I'm not sure.

I was trying not to fidget too(,) so I studied the painting (paint/paintwork) on the house, which did need a new coat.

It had a large wraparound porch

full of what Id (I'd) guessed was information on ... he never mentioned who we were interrogating. This felt a little clumsy and also assumes she will be joining in the interrogation, which doesn't seem decided yet.

I'd use a period before "Terrance Hall."

manipulate as much power or control (as) you had over your fields.

I nodded at her. "Yes, the chief was just leaving."

turned on my hills (heels) towards Elle.

broke33poke wrote 1258 days ago

Wow...and double wow. Your rewrite knocks the old version in the dust and tramps it face in someone's discarded wad of bubble gum. NOw that's what I call a rewrite. I felt the danger, the fear, and still felt their burning lust for each other.

Here's a couple thoughts, and take them for just what I'd like to read. When she uses her fire, I think it would be good for it to hurt, for their to pay a price for using her power/magic. I have no problem with her using the air to transport herself, but I think it loses it's effect when she uses it so easily to bring him to her and safety. May I suggest he would have to run and jump, and scramble and climb to where she could physically reach down and help him up--give her the man's role in a way. That way you could show more struggle on his part, and then hers for pulling him up while your weres snap and claw at him. And that would add more conflict, which I hear you can never get enough of in a genre novel.

I like the fact that they are trapped on that roof--will they get away to safety? Yes, but...
But maybe splice in something about feeling the fear run through her, and maybe some good old fashioned revulsion.

But all in all, fantastic rewrite. If you rework the first chapter again, by all means let me know.

And if you've never read it, there this group of novel writing articles by Jim Butcher--The Dresden Files. They're free. I just printed them off his site and read them twice. I think they're great, and will help me a lot when I start writing the next story running through my head. They're his take on what he's learned about scene/sequel, characters, story archs--pretty much everything he does before he actually writes his novels. This is stuff he learned in college and still uses today. I read the same priciples in a much longer, far blander and harder to understand book a couple years ago, and from my flimsy plots and sequels, you can tell I didn't understand it. But this I really got.

So if you haven't read it, and would like to, go to Jim Butcher's website, click on his blog, and start from the bottom--skipping the part where he posts his bad reviews. He's such a drama queen.

Mike

Ps. When I read critiques on here where they say my stuff's terrific, I feel like they probably haven't even read line one of it. One guy, I think his name's andrew--he was the last to comment on my book--I found out by simply going to his page that he shamelessly shovels out the same two or three comments to everyone--eight in one hour, and I lost count how many he did the day before.. I wonder how he can sleep at night.

John Holliday wrote 1258 days ago

Your book is very well written. But I do have some advice try making the summary a little less complicated try re-wording it to make it easier to read and understand. I found that it didnt really show off the true essence of your book. But dont worry I found myself in the same problem. But other than that a good read and very well worded.
Highly recommended and backed.
John Holliday- The Creatures of Lexington

Eveleen wrote 1259 days ago

Queen of shadows
Though I normally do not read this kind of writing, this one got great potential
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

broke33poke wrote 1261 days ago

Though your opening paragraph is erotic, it's also kind of bland. It reads like most erotic fiction, so that in itself is a problem. You should want your opening--especially your opening--to be unforgettable. Especially when you're opening with a romantic interlude. Make it thrumb with strange and unforgettable details, spike the tension in the scene with their fear of getting caught, and put something in there that makes it seem like they almost have been caught. Strange and exotic are the hallmarks of Fantasy fiction. And as it reads now, the first paragraph, the first page or so, is just a luke-warm generic bit of erotic fluff.

Sorry to be rough, but you need to punch it up.
And two minor questions. When she traces his face in the dark, you say with her own? With her own face? Because that's what it reads. And when she thinks, will they get mad. It sounds, especially after the rest of their exchange, that that word choice was made by a teenager.

But that's just my take on it, just an opinion, so take it for what it is.

Mike

Sly80 wrote 1303 days ago

'He should not know the truth', argh!!! I hate that. Now I have to keep reading. He's going to hate her for something she can't help...

Liam, a wolverine, meets Gilles, a vampire who has an interest in Aila that seems less than healthy: 'his last words came out slick and full of distaste'.

Meanwhile, Aila is experiencing bad dreams (love the notion of Walkers). Luckily she has an angel to help her. Seems she is able to wield all the fields of magic, which is unheard of aside from by the enigmatic Fae. She entertains the officer from the OMCA, outside (away from Elle), 'the air was thick with the smell of fresh grass and magnolias'. He wants her to spy on her father, a man who turned out to be wicked. Aila is having trouble controlling herself, let alone risking a confrontation with her father.

There does seem to be quite a lot happening in chapter 2. Perhaps if a little of the information could be saved till later, it might make it easier to concentrate on the most immediate factors such as her growing powers. Whether you do re-jig it or not, Queen of Shadows is a clever and exciting supernatural romance that will have its target audience enthralled ... backed.

Possible nits: Leave a bit more time to get from the neck to the thigh, e.g. 'to my neck and then slowly eased down my arm, my waist, my hip, until it reached my thigh'. Male blond doesn't have an e on the end. 'came down to the middle... He came [walked] in my direction'. 'His eyes looked me up and down' -> 'He looked me up and down'. 'I was barely contained [containing] the urge'.

Jaye Hill wrote 1305 days ago

Action packed, entertaining story, alternate reality well handled and rendered believable, characters strongly drawn (loved fluffy feathery maternal Elle), dialogue good (although, as several have said, the punctuation needs looking at ) - what more can one ask. I was also surprised at how well the different narrative voices worked although I think this may make for choppy reading in later chapters. There are also quite a few typos which a bit of editing should pick up but which do not interfere with the power of the story Backed Jaye

Despinas1 wrote 1305 days ago

A great novel with best seller potential...... And a very deserved backing
Backed with pleasure
Helen
The Last Dream

WriterGurl1 wrote 1306 days ago

I am really enjoying your story and will be reading on. Keep up the great work and this is sure to find its way into the hands of a publisher! Thanks for uploading! Backed by me without hesitation!

Sincerely,
Heidi
An Unexpected Obsession

SRFire wrote 1307 days ago

Oh fabulous! A tale of forbidden love. What could be more powerful than that. Also you write so well in this prologue that we feel every movement and sensation as though we were there. I would happily back this.
All the best, Sana
Saffire Drake and the Three Keys

zrinka wrote 1307 days ago

Very nice and vivid imagination. Liam's character is developing quite nicely and strong as well, but I think I like Gilles more. Oh,there's a typo in your long picth but I forgot the word now. Backed.

Pagan_Way wrote 1307 days ago

Like what kind of mistakes...
\

I've been through the first couple of chapters. I'll back this. You do, however, make a fairly consistent error in your dialogue punctuation. I'd check it out.

William Holt wrote 1309 days ago

I am always a little astonished by writers who can work with entire alternate realities. I will tend to paint a realistic landscape filled with "normal" people (conflict-ridden but recognizable) and just one or two elements of the paranormal to disturb them, whereas you and a number of others manage, somewhat as Tolkien does, to create a world where only some of the trappings are realistic and the cast of characters quite paranormal.

I know all this to be popular, but I marvel at the ability to make it work. Shelved.

Bill

SingingOwl wrote 1309 days ago

I first thought, "Ho hum, another vampire story? Authonomy is overrun with vampire stories." So must say that this is the first one I read one chapter and actually wanted to read some more. ;-) Good job of description, and just enough information to keep me intrigued, not giving away too much yet. You do have some English errors, but nothing an edit won't fix. Best wishes! Backed.

Green H wrote 1309 days ago

i find myself on page 6 and loving the read. I especially loved Liam's character. So witty , powerful and so sure of himself and i also love the word 'pup' ...
I am loving the storyline and the characters so very much. keep it up
green h

Green H wrote 1309 days ago

sjoeweeeeee for a second there it got all hot lol... great prologue. grabbed me right in. Strong and Demanding writing wanting the reader to read more and more. Ill comment as i go on.
backed
green h - through green's eyes

Diana-Jane wrote 1312 days ago

The first chapter is a great start. Very entertaining. You do tend to repeat certain words a little too often throughout the sentences and you have a few spelling mistakes that can easily be fixed. But I thoroughly enjoy what I've read.

The description and the way you place the characters in the story is good. You've given already a personality to these characters without giving away too much and boring the reader.
Thanks for showing me in this direction. I'll definitely back this, not because I have to, but because it's worthy.
Well done.

DJ.Berquist
http://dianajanesworld.webs.com

MY KILLER INTUITION.
FORBIDDEN BLOOD.

Diana-Jane wrote 1312 days ago

**Lycans
**Realms

Just the first part of your pitch. Unless this was your intended spelling then ignore this :)
First off your pitch is great! It gives you enough information, without flooding the reader with too much info in the beginning. I'm being a little nit-picky at the moment but your use of the word 'HER' in your pitch is overused in a small space. To make the sentences move more smoothly, try and find a different way to position certain words... now time to read :)

CarolinaAl wrote 1312 days ago

Fantastic work. A potent fantasy. Well imagined settings. Edgy characters. Snappy dialogue. Perceptive narrative. Poignant scenes. Excellent pacing. Compelling twists. Superb writing that engages the reader's intellect as well as emotion. An immensely enjoyable read. Backed.

Pagan_Way wrote 1313 days ago

Thanks
could you check out another chapter and see how the past tense works for the book, i went to past tense in the rest of the book and i think i a going to change the first chapter over to past tense....
if you have time thanks
I will read yours as well
K N Gee

QUOTE] K. N. -

Shadow Queen - Although not my regular kind of read, I love the brooding atmosphere, can smell the bar, feel Liam's guardedness. It's well done. The writing flows and carries me into the story before I know it. Paragraph 4, there's a sudden switch from past to present tense ... My eyes start to water ...

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Pia wrote 1313 days ago

K. N. -

Shadow Queen - Although not my regular kind of read, I love the brooding atmosphere, can smell the bar, feel Liam's guardedness. It's well done. The writing flows and carries me into the story before I know it. Paragraph 4, there's a sudden switch from past to present tense ... My eyes start to water ...

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Walden Carrington wrote 1314 days ago

Kayla,
Your delightfully detailed descriptions in Shadow Queen are a pleasure to read and your story couldn't be more imaginative. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with enthusiasm.

DMHeadley wrote 1317 days ago

I love the storyline and the cover page is fab.
Backed

Dawn
Sammy and the Wise Willow

eurodan49 wrote 1319 days ago

Not my cup of tea but you've done a good job and hot your hook in the reader. A little less telling and more showing will make it more apealing. I'm backing it.
Good luck.
Dan
PS Could you pls look up mne?

Pagan_Way wrote 1320 days ago

Thank you so much...I will look into everything you suggested and I appreciate you taking the time to read my work. I hope to have it finished by the end of the year!

Dear Kayla,

I usually choose books to put on my wl by reading part of the first chapter. When I tried to do this with your book, I found myself reading everything you have up right away! You went to the head of the line on my wl. This hasn't happened to me before. For a young writer asking for help, you already have the talent and the hooks to get a somewhat jaded fantasy reader like me intrigued!

I thought I wouldn't be able to stand any more vampire and werewolf stories, but you handle these characters deftly and I love your angel! Having a guardian angel for a best friend is such a great idea.

Your motley group of adventurers works well with many cross-purposes and deceptions and jealousies, all guaranteed to be strong hooks.

I think your first person first chapter works well, even though you later switch to third person. I think you can pull it off if you go back to first person with Liam later, maybe even just once. But you need to have a reason in your storyline to be doing this. You don't want to confuse your readers.

Your title seems too mild to me for the exciting and action-filled story here. Maybe just a rearrangement of words would change that. How about "The Shadow Queen"? Just a thought for you to feel free to ignore.

You could use a friend who is good in English grammar and usage to help you edit this. Editors are expensive so offer something in return, like cooking special dinners, doing extra laundry for them, or detailing the car.

You are a talented writer and you enjoy your writing! So did I!

Best wishes on your book's success. I am backing it.

Ancient Reader

Ancient Reader wrote 1321 days ago

Dear Kayla,

I usually choose books to put on my wl by reading part of the first chapter. When I tried to do this with your book, I found myself reading everything you have up right away! You went to the head of the line on my wl. This hasn't happened to me before. For a young writer asking for help, you already have the talent and the hooks to get a somewhat jaded fantasy reader like me intrigued!

I thought I wouldn't be able to stand any more vampire and werewolf stories, but you handle these characters deftly and I love your angel! Having a guardian angel for a best friend is such a great idea.

Your motley group of adventurers works well with many cross-purposes and deceptions and jealousies, all guaranteed to be strong hooks.

I think your first person first chapter works well, even though you later switch to third person. I think you can pull it off if you go back to first person with Liam later, maybe even just once. But you need to have a reason in your storyline to be doing this. You don't want to confuse your readers.

Your title seems too mild to me for the exciting and action-filled story here. Maybe just a rearrangement of words would change that. How about "The Shadow Queen"? Just a thought for you to feel free to ignore.

You could use a friend who is good in English grammar and usage to help you edit this. Editors are expensive so offer something in return, like cooking special dinners, doing extra laundry for them, or detailing the car.

You are a talented writer and you enjoy your writing! So did I!

Best wishes on your book's success. I am backing it.

Ancient Reader

corichaffee wrote 1321 days ago

I love this story so far! I only have enough time today to read the first chapter, but you can be sure that I will come back to it later and finish. You have a wonderful imagination and a great gift for transferring it onto paper.

I am backing this!

If you get a chance, please take a peek at my novel, Princess. I would welcome any input/backing that you care to give.

thanks!
Cori

Elizabeth Wolfe wrote 1324 days ago

Dear KN,
I really like your pitch and cover art. There are a few typos in the long pitch that you should fix so that they don't distract.
1st para-should be "but an elemental..." not a elemental
2nd para- agian is spelled wrong -should be again
last para- should be "an overprotective..." not a overprotective
Also, if she is in a love triangle, that's 3 parties - but I count 4 - Aila, stray lyken, panther, and vampire. Should it be a love quartet?

I am backing you on the strength of your creativity. Good luck with you book!
BACKED
Elizabeth Wolfe (MEMORIES OF GLORY)

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