Closet

Hi Eric

I've read up to chptr 6 in 1 sitting & found your allegory compelling, are you purposefully trying to do a modern version of Pilgrims Progress? If you are, I think you are on the right track. I like the modern setting & scenario but I do have some qualms about your characterisation of Derek. If he is going to be a pastor I would have thought he would be a bit more in the know, but his wife seems more spiritually mature. I can understand the way you try to portray his depression, but perhaps a different career choice would fit better with his character & lack of faith. Yet, this would detract from the spiritual point you are making, it's a tough choice but I do think you need to give it some consideration.

The writing on the whole is good, though you have got a lot of typo's where you have used the wrong (but similar) words, such as 'what' instead of 'want', 'done' instead of 'did' etc. A good read through will pick up most of these.

I do like this, though it may be heavy going for some, I think it is worth pursuing so keep up the hard work.

Yours Because His

Pam Balsdon
The King's Blessing

Closet - comments

The logline for this novel is very intriguing. I can relate to the importance of incorporating strong themes of love in a horror story, which made me excited to begin reading. Unfortunately, I did not read enough to comment on character development or arcs, etc, but of what I did read, these are my comments:

One area I had the most trouble with was during conversations, the subjects of discussion seemed to flip-flop around where the topic was not completed before being interrupted by another topic of conversation. There should be closure before moving on. An example of this would be in chapter one when John and Megan speak of his book spending then without resolution, the subject changes to their relationship then back to books, then about John's lack of being a father and husband, then back to the books again.

Another suggestion would be towards the unexpectedness of dialogue and how it was used to convey emotions rather than utilizing the prose to explain the character's innermost feelings. By doing it in dialogue and not description, their reactions feel forced, irrational and seemingly out of nowhere. It is suggested that much of your dialogue be expressed through prose.

Best of luck to you.

Michael Hebler - "Night of the Chupacabra"

Hey, Eric. I returned for Chapter 1. I like the characters and the premise of your story and the description of the demonic attack was very well done. I think the plot development is strong.

As Dianna explained, you do need to bring in some emotion. If my husband were freaking out on me, I'd be feeling something very unpleasant -- fear, rage, anxiety. If he told me I shouldn't buy a book, I'd be weighing the reasons in my head, maybe irritated, maybe vacillating.

Some of your constructions make for difficult reading. "Derek was placed in his crib." It's passive voice, which not as horrible as some people make it sound, but should constitute less than a quarter of your sentences. "Megan put Derek in his crib" reads better. "As the body of John slumped to the floor" ... would read a lot better as "As John's body slumped to the floor."

At 44,000 pages, you don't at this time need to worry about word length, but almost all new writers need to pare down their verbage rather than build it up. I would suggest a good reading to eliminate passive voice and any of those awkward constructions like I've highlighted. You can make a good story much better with a little editing.

Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

Hi, Eric, I'm just starting to read "Closet". I tend to comment one chapter at a time. So I'm starting with your pitches. Your short pitch is a great synopsis. It could be stronger, more compelling. I'd delete "a novel". It's not necessary and it would tighten up the short pitch.

Your long pitch has too many passive-voice constructions. Remember that the long pitch is essentially a sales pitch -- an advertisement. You want it to be strong and compelling. That's best done by active-voice sentences. The noun does somethng rather than something being done to the noun. Something like -- "Frustrated by ministry difficulties, Derek finds a book on the sidewalk that seems to answer all his life questions. That book proves to be the key to a door to another dimension into which a local witch snatches his wife and son."

Pitch writing is probably the hardest skill we encounter here on Authonomy. Most writers are not salesmen, but it's what we have to be if we intend to market our books. I've rewritten mine about three, maybe four times and will probably rewrite it again. I will get back to you about Chapter 1. Lauri (Lela Markham, The Willow Branch)

i have started to read closet and have found it to be a well written piece. having only just joined recently i am increasingly amazed by the talent on this site. there are one or two typos, ie, all the sudden a pan dropped. should it be all of a sudden? nothing major though that cannot be fixed.

Hi Eric,

I enjoyed reading the first three chapters of Closet. The actual “closet” parts were very fast-paced and gripping, and to my chagrin, I found myself relating to the two couples all too well.

I thought you did a great job blending Megan and John’s past with their son’s present situation. The premise of the story is great and the paranormal parts are quite fantastic as you have purposed them to be.

At times I got the feeling that the plot was quite driven or forced. Maybe I could go as far as saying the action seemed rushed into. I wonder if it might help to let the reader linger inside your character’s heads a little more - let them hear your character‘s reasonings, frustrations and fears. I think by doing this it will give a deeper dimension to the story and help your readers become more committed to your characters.

For example in John’s point of view, show what is going on in his thoughts and feelings when Megan was flipping out. And what kind of regrets and terror was going on in him when the green hands were grabbing him. It could even be in the form of an inner prayer: Oh God, help me. What did I do? Protect Megan and our baby…

I like the characters you have developed. They are easy to relate to and envision (especially the mysterious woman in black and Timothy) Introducing that women was a very good devise, definitely creating more intrigue.

All in all, I think you have a great thing going here and you have done well to pique my interest. I will be back to read more! Highly starred.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

P.S. There's a miss-spelling in your long pitch noice noise and in chapter one:

“Once Megan was asleep, John (made) his way into the bedroom…”

Overview: it is my opinion that the first line needs to be stronger. I saw some punctuation mistakes along the way. I love the storyline; demonic vs good. I stopped after chapter 3 but will be back to read more.
Chapter 1
Very interesting way how the book seems to spiral them down into a whirl of chaos; I like how you establish how John is searching for answers when he probably didn’t know the location of the Bible in the home and how when Megan confronted the demon, the demon knew her relationship status with Jesus. I like it – intense and gripping.

Chapter 2
Typo – Matt has a job for on the local campus (on should be one, I believe)
I like the jump to Derek’s life, the explanation of where his mother was – the introduction to Sally.

K Meador
Journey to Freedom/The Chamber

Hello Eric-

book- Closet'-

This is just gripping stuff, after reading the first chapter and now for some reason the site will not let me go into second or third- However, this first chapter did get me and i wanted to read more of this demonic story.
loved the line ' in the name of Jesus; be gone; I knew from that moment that I was hooked-
the writing and style is literary at it's best in my opinion- and will come back to read more- will keep
on my watch list-
just a thought- I have to agree with the cherry comment about the title- Closet- that name immediately crossed my mind until I read the tags and pitch- perhaps ' demons in closet' might be better- but then. I will give further thoughts on this when I read more of the 15 posted-- have to say - the premise is there for plenty of horror to come; great stuff indeed-

tom bye
book - from hugs to kisses; chapter 18 in mine has that demon touch, as the devil arrives-
oblige and read please- thanks

Hello Eric:

I began reading Closet, and I think you have the seed of a gripping story here. Toward the end of the first chapter, I think you start gaining the attention of the reader to motivate him or her to read further on.

I have some suggestions for you to consider.

1. I think the title may be working against you. In the contemporary cultural dialect, "closet" has come to be associated with "coming out of the closet." If that is the theme of the book, then Closet may be an appropriate title; but since that is not the theme of this particular book, I think there are readers who are likely to not even read the book if they think the book is dealing with a homosexual topic...I'm just trying to help you see how others may prematurely respond to your book.

2. There have been other comments on the dialogue and I, too, was not thrilled about it.
a. First, I think you need to include attributions (he said, she said, etc.)
b. Second, the dialogue has too much minutiae. On any given day at any given moment, thousands of married couples are arguing about money. This play-by-play, word-by-word argument may tend to remind the reader of his own life instead of drawing the reader into the story; dialogue should be crafted carefully to meaningfully develop the story or the characters. To fix this dialogue, I offer two options: 1) cut it down to a briefer, summarized version; or 2) if this has been on ongoing issue in the marriage, you might either summarize how the marriage and interaction had changed in the past given amount of time.

Editing and re-editing is a normal expectation of the writing process. Keep working at polishing up this book and you will have a winner on your hands!

Blessings.

James

I didn't likethe way you started out your first chapter (needs a better hook) and your dialogue could use some work, but your ideas and problems are very real. Try listening to people talk in order to strenghten your dialogue; helps a lot, and with some editing help you could have a great novel!

Oh, I didn't realize that you self published the book, before you edited the rough draft that is posted here on authonomy. Good luck. And on your second book, read it after it is finished- about three months later. Fix it. Then have it critiqued. I really don't mean to be mean, but closet was not, is not, ready for sale. It needs a lot of work, but it has great potential. I mean that to.

I like it so far. I don't even mind that the dialogue isn't very realistic, I am still learning dialogue myself. It is the way I talk, just no one else on the planet does. And, since when does a woman tell her husband what is bothering her, she usually will just have a fit complaining about everything but the real problem. I am going to have to read on to find out if Megan finds a good husband next time.

I like it so far. I don't even mind that the dialogue isn't very realistic, I am still learning dialogue myself. It is the way I talk, just no one else on the planet does. And, since when does a woman tell her husband what is bothering her, she usually will just have a fit complaining about everything but the real problem. I am going to have to read on to find out if Megan finds a good husband next time.

Wow! I have read up to chapter four and your story is really intense. I give this six stars and back it willingly. This is like sitting down and reading a Frank Peretti novel, I love it.
I only saw a few mistakes in the manuscipt but other than that the writing style is excellent.
-Charmain

How totally wonderful you are, Eric!! :) You take my breath away & my eyes are all puddled up ;( - sweet tears ;) :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your book :) - hope you've ****** 'd mine, too. Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because, I'm #1 on the editor's desk & I don't want to lose traction & to remain in the top 5 to be chosen February 28. :) Please read my profile page: I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after almost 1 year of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Okay, here as promised! As always these are only opinions and in no way need be considered as gospel.

CHAPTER ONE

The opening line of dialogue, for me, is redundant. It doesn't tell me anything, and as it's so isolated I have no idea what brought about this conclusion. Just go from 'John looked inside...'

'The sound of snowmobiles'- I do this a lot myself. Wherever you see the word 'sound', try and substitute what precisely the sound is. In this case snowmobiles- so roar? Growl? Sputtering? And again with 'sound of shovel scraping snow (NB typo for 'scraping'): the crunch?

The end of this paragraph confused me. We're in a bookshop, right? But now they're walking to a tavern? Got me lost.

Love the description of the baby- we can see Derek all tucked up nice and snug!

About the baby vs. reading- er, how does having a baby mean no time for reading? Reading is something that can be done at home and is relatively inexpensive- didn't quite work for me.

'Actually...'- you repeat actually twice in this sentence. The dialogue too isn't quite natural enough for me. Try using some abbreviations: 'Actually I've never heard of the author or publishing house...Y'know I could be splurging out on snowmobiles and smokes. I'd be saving you more money with this book.'

'The sound of the snowmobiles'- again? Are they really that important? Also the brain learns to dismiss repeating sounds after a while so he wouldn't be noticing them unless one exploded!

I'm finding it hard to read on, not because of the writing so much but it's really, really boring! So there's a couple who're having a fall out over a book. I really don't care. If you want me to care you've got to build more of a picture of the characters. Also, I'm not getting much reaction from John. What does HE think about all this? It's flooding out in the dialogue but with this kind of issue there's going to be a difference in what he thinks and what he says. I'd like a bit more of a contrast.

The dialogue bits are also enormous- too much is being spilled out. While it's important to the story, reading about someone else talking isn't great for enticing me to read on.

Your paragraphs are very large too, particularly towards the end. This made them hard to read for me. Break them up a bit. This quite spoiled the content for me, too, as I was spending more effort concentrating on the lines that enjoying what was happening.

I'll stop here. Writing needs a little tightening but otherwise it flows and reads well. Dialogue needs to sound more natural and flow-y. And since not a lot is happening, I want some character reactions to make up for it. Work on these elements and hopefully that might help inject more tension into it!

Sounds harsh, but it's what I honestly think.

All the best

Sam241

Hi Eric,

Your short pitch is a telling sentence. See if you could spice it up with a showing sentence or an enticing question.

Here are some thoughts on your long pitch. Remember they're just one person's suggestions. Gather more ideas from others. It is YOUR story.

Stay away from "was, were, is, are" words whenever possible. They tend to be telling words. Show the readers, not simply state something. Check your spelling. "noice" should be "noise". How did that noise sound? Make me hear it.
hissing, tinkling, clanging, blaring, shrieking, etc...

You've got a good premise to Closet. I like the closet as a portal to another world into another dimension. You've perked my interest. You just have to revamp your long pitch a little. The last sentence left readers hanging to find out if Derek could win back his wife and fight the creatures. Good job!

Will be back to read your chapters.

All the best, Eric!

LL Su ~}¡{~ WONDERFLIES~}¡{~

Eric,
Well, I have to say I did not expect the first chapter to end like that! What a suprise! The hair on my arm stood up as John began to light the candles. I can only imagine what would have happened had he managed to light all 6 candles.
The story moves along well introducing us to a young couple struggling with finances and a new baby. Most people can relate to that.
The transition to the events in the closet are unexpected and compelling, ending the chapter 180 degrees from how it began.
There are a few small grammer, punctuation correction issues, such as when Megan askes "You realize that we have a baby now". This should end with a question mark. Her shoulder length hair brushes his shoulder. Try to avoid the using the same word twice in quick succession.
The last paragraph says "their father". John is Megan's husband and Derek's father and so is confusing to the reader.
Nicely done, drama and supernatural activity. A good way to start any book.
Kindest regards,
Sharon Van Orman

Eric, At first I thought the whole chapter was going to be about a husband and wife bickering back and forth over money, etc., but then the book came into play and John was attacked by a pair of demon hands. Wonderful. I only suggest some grammar-type issues towards the ending of chapter 1 about where their father laid... maybe cleanup and clarify better. Just a suggestion. Good read. In my watchlist. Your friend, CR Harding

I'm putting it on my watch list cause I like the story, and the tension between John and Megan with money troubles really reflect this day and age, we all have money troubles, but I also like the love I can sense between them. I gonna sent you a message on some things that may help your writing improve. Keep writing, keep dreaming.

Elizabeth

I'm putting it on my watch list cause I like the story, and the tension between John and Megan with money troubles really reflect this day and age, we all have money troubles, but I also like the love I can sense between them. I gonna sent you a message on some things that may help your writing improve. Keep writing, keep dreaming.

Elizabeth

Hi Eric. I advice to perfect the summary: "Noise" and "dimension", minor things that can effect if people proceed to look at your book or not. I think this is a wonderful book. The devil is always at work, trying to catch us while we are vulnerable. Bringing realistic ways to do it to the world is very important to fighting the devil himself. Also, I think people become removed from their spouse and talk about how one day they were like a stranger to them, and they never contribute it to something like this... and then fight for them. I think this is a beautiful story of someone who came out of darkness and then fought for his family with the help of the Holy Spirit. Backed with Pleasure.
My book, Phen, is actualy similar but done in a highly fictional manner for kids, teens. I would love your input.

Lorin

Hi Eric, I read chapter one and enjoyed it. Secrets of having a life that matters -- intriguing title. John and Megan's marital and financial difficulties are explained by good dialogue and then the dreadful and terrifying 'attack' in which John is killed.
'...where their father lay dead', seemed a bit odd as John was Megan's husband, not her father.
Backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISN AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Dearest Eric
here! here! how i wish and hope we could have inspiring books as yours. You have touched hearts and stirred minds.
Your book impressive and more so, you connect well with the reader. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of easy and grasping.
It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
(May have backed it before)
Many thanks and look forward to your support

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Derek. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

You have chosen a topic that hits many ministers throughout their careers, not just after seminary. However, you have placed an interesting twist and imagination with this book. I'm not as taken with your dialogue because of sometimes giving too much detail. The dialogue sometimes gets preachy rather than just using normal responses in a conversation. Your dialogue is not bad. I just believe it needs to be more natural. Saying that I believe you have a good story here which shows much promise and a good future. Best of luck with your continued writing and God's blessings.
--author of December Gold, a Christian historical fiction novel

Eric,
Closet is an imaginative work of Christian fiction delving into the battle of good versus evil. The fantasy elements will draw in readers of that genre who would benefit from reading a Christian work. Backed.

Great read. I love how you start off with a book purchase and build into the real issues syrround Dreyk and Meg. She seems the typical nag. Your story moves flawlessly and you leave the reader wanting to turn the page. Nice atmosphere and setting with the tension between the two and, then, you weave in the depressing weather.

Very good indeed
Best
The Mind setter.

oops backed it again still best of luck

Denise
The Letter

You have married the fantasy in well with the christian here and brought both together under the guise of excellently written prose.

BACKED

You are so totally fantastic, Eric! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my 2 memoir books? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I'll #7 to put your book on my watchlist. :) And #7 for your comments. :)

Dear Eric, I got so excited when I saw that you backed my memoir book, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not." :) I really appreciate it. :) Could you please take a moment to back my other memoir books, "Tell Me True Love Stories?" Thank you so very much. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I'll be #6 to put your book on my watchlist. :)

CLOSET
This is a story with many dimensions; on the surface, it’s just a good read. Underneath it’s an exploration of good and evil. I liked Derek from the start. The idea of a closet opening to reveal this strange demon world is good plotting. I’m happy to add it to my shelf. If you have a moment, would you look at mine (Grain of Salt)? I’m in 3rd place but only holding on by my teeth. Burgio

Dear Eric

I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. Already you have established your animated characters in my head, ( they are not leaving soon) and i feel strongly to back your book now. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

Denise
The Letter

Dear Eric

have started to read so will comment later

Denise
The Letter

Original and talented writing! Easy to back.

Liz
The Cheech Room
A Fine Pickle

Dear Eric, I love that your story includes God. :) Chapter 12's "God" message by Derk to his wife was pretty impressive :) - certainly the gift of encouragement. :) May Jesus give you the wisdom to finish your book. :) Your pitch drew me in to read on & your tight dialogue & paragraphs kept me reading, along with you good storyline. :) I've backed your book :) - hope you'll take a moment to back my 2 memoir/testimony books. :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)