Out Of Orleans

Yes I have to agree with a few people here, the dreaded edit. I paid a fortune to get mine done and its still not fully done. It does distract from a good story though. Well done and good luck with it.
Sean Connolly British Army on the Rampage (B.A.O.R)

Lee, I was talking to my brother-in-law and your name came up. You went to school with him. Then I searched the internet by chance to see if I found your name and up pops this site. Man, so you into writing now. I am not surprised. You were very creative while we were in grammar school. Well, I need to read your book. It seems interesting. I'll get back. Leon

Thanks Abby and please know that your comment is appreciated. Will work on it more... 1 Love~

This is a good book, but the grammatical errors make it hard to get through. Even just in the pitch - it should be "man's life." That's the first sentence of the book, with it having an error readers will be adverse to reading more. Although, in later chapters it does get better, like someone else is writing, but the grammatical errors stay the same, so it links back to the writer of earlier chapters.

Get some editing done on this. You can do it yourself. "Self Editing for Fiction Writers" is a good place to start.

Abby

This is a good book, but the grammatical errors make it hard to get through. Even just in the pitch - it should be "man's life." That's the first sentence of the book, with it having an error readers will be adverse to reading more. Although, in later chapters it does get better, like someone else is writing, but the grammatical errors stay the same, so it links back to the writer of earlier chapters.

Get some editing done on this. You can do it yourself. "Self Editing for Fiction Writers" is a good place to start.

Abby

Thanks Katherine! I really appreciate your time, comments and support! 1 Love~

Hi Lee, What an ebullient narrator, catching me with the ordeals of a war veteran and his aware opinions. I had to read on, owing to his sayings that were either right or felt right. Yet he doesn't feel right back in the U.S., and the happenings at his house are told with the same forthright attitude of his politics. This is unusual, told with fervor, and the pace with the vividness of real life. I liked how the experience of war affected or was even prolonged in the back-home environment. Flows well and captures. Shelved - Katherine

Hi Lee, What an ebullient narrator, catching me with the ordeals of a war veteran and his aware opinions. I had to read on, owing to his sayings that were either right or felt right. Yet he doesn't feel right back in the U.S., and the happenings at his house are told with the same forthright attitude of his politics. This is unusual, told with fervor, and the pace with the vividness of real life. I liked how the experience of war affected or was even prolonged in the back-home environment. Flows well and captures. Shelved - Katherine

Thanks Jesamine. I've been aware that I need a good editor and can't afford one presently. I don't jhave the skill set to do it either = ( Will let you know once it gets sorted out and thanks for your time... 1 Love~

You have a really great story going on here, but you're going to struggle to an agent, or anyone, to get past the first chapter because it needs a bloody good edit.
You describe things well and have the imagination to write a good story. Let me know when you're sorted it out and I'll take another look.
Jesamine.

You have a really great story going on here, but you're going to struggle to an agent, or anyone, to get past the first chapter because it needs a bloody good edit.
You describe things well and have the imagination to write a good story. Let me know when you're sorted it out and I'll take another look.
Jesamine.

Thanks so much for your time and comment... I really appreciate it! Thanks 1 Love~

WOW I see bestseller. Amazing book really grabs and takes hold of you. I Really like the writing style. I really hope to see this book on the shelves.

WOW I see bestseller. Amazing book really grabs and takes hold of you. I Really like the writing style. I really hope to see this book on the shelves.

Thanks James. I have been told that it holds promise, and is need of some serious editing... I really would appreciate you shelving it and perhaps backing it if you'd do that for me. I'm getting ready to do some serious cooking today so I'll check back later. Thanks 1 Love~

and

Came back to read chapter 1 and so glad I did. There are some typos and formatting issues but content wise it was very good, from the political rant at the beginning to the drug fuelled escapades of Jacques this shows quite a spectrum of topics.
This kind of lifetime story, from growing up in New Orleans, the period as a businessman and drug dealer on the side, and then into military service and finally sitting at the window in a VA hospital, not only makes a great book but would make a great movie in the American Gangster vein.
Very interesting opening that just needs a bit of tidying up.
James

Came back to read chapter 1 and so glad I did. There are some typos and formatting issues but content wise it was very good, from the political rant at the beginning to the drug fuelled escapades of Jacques this shows quite a spectrum of topics.
This kind of lifetime story, from growing up in New Orleans, the period as a businessman and drug dealer on the side, and then into military service and finally sitting at the window in a VA hospital, not only makes a great book but would make a great movie in the American Gangster vein.
Very interesting opening that just needs a bit of tidying up.
James

Thanks for your review "Wanttobeawriter" and yes I will take your suggestion. I've been out of the loop taking care of my Mom's transition in to assisted living. It's going on six weeks here... I'm waiting on a new key board that should arrive today (YAY). And I am considering a professional editor prior to getting to the the ED. Again, thank you for taking the time to review and comment on my work. I really appreciate you! 1 Love~

OUT OF ORLEANS
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: first the narrator relating how he’s been in a veteran’s hospital for 28 years; then the story of Jacques. I like the “inside” feel to the way you explain how to cook cocaine; makes a reader feel as if they’re being let in on something maybe they shouldn’t know. Going back in the next chapter and describing Jacques’ childhood is a good way to justify how he arrived at the point he’s at in life. A small thing: I had trouble in the beginning deciding if Jacques was the same person as the narrator. Is there a way to make that clearer? Either way, this is a good read. I’m starring it highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

OUT OF ORLEANS
This is a story with a dramatic beginning: first the narrator relating how he’s been in a veteran’s hospital for 28 years; then the story of Jacques. I like the “inside” feel to the way you explain how to cook cocaine; makes a reader feel as if they’re being let in on something maybe they shouldn’t know. Going back in the next chapter and describing Jacques’ childhood is a good way to justify how he arrived at the point he’s at in life. A small thing: I had trouble in the beginning deciding if Jacques was the same person as the narrator. Is there a way to make that clearer? Either way, this is a good read. I’m starring it highly and adding it to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Kim, thanks for that insightful comment. I seriously need a professional editor and my work needs all the help that it can get. Again, Thanks Lee J.

You have an unusual and distinct way of writing. There were a lot of punctuation errors and some text where there were no speech marks and yet it was speech but these things are easily remedied. I enjoyed the very beginning of the book when the veteran is looking out of the window and suggests that the institution he is in is a secret. I would suggest that you elaborate on this before you go into the main story to build up to what is to come. Best of luck with Out of Orleans.

Kim (Pain)

You have an unusual and distinct way of writing. There were a lot of punctuation errors and some text where there were no speech marks and yet it was speech but these things are easily remedied. I enjoyed the very beginning of the book when the veteran is looking out of the window and suggests that the institution he is in is a secret. I would suggest that you elaborate on this before you go into the main story to build up to what is to come. Best of luck with Out of Orleans.

Kim (Pain)

Thank you ever so much for your comment! I really appreciate your support and hope that you can assist me in making it to the E.D. Thanks! 1 Love~

fascinating story!

fascinating story!

You open this very well. It draws readers in.
The realistic part adds more interest to the beginning with a pull that not many people may know.
Your words flow well in the development of your story.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. When you have time, please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Thanks so much Adeel, I really appreciate your time and comment. Sincerely, Lee J. 1 Love~

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

A nice, descriptive and well written book. Your writing style is very impressive, dialogue are realistic with vivid charachters and narrative is at great pace. Highly rated.

Wow! Thanks for the support and awesome words! I really appreciate you! 1 Love~

Words jumped right off the page......grabbed ahold of me...... and didn't let go until the last word was read..... In your face...........honest.... gut wrenching.....message of experience, strength and hope....
LOVED IT!! I want MORE... :-)

Thanks Lynn, I really appreciate the support! And if you think of it return bi-weekly, that would be so awesome! 1 Love~~~~~~~

You have an awesome way of sharing your thought ~ Keep up the great work my friend.

Words jumped right off the page......grabbed ahold of me...... and didn't let go until the last word was read..... In your face...........honest.... gut wrenching.....message of experience, strength and hope....
LOVED IT!! I want MORE... :-)

You have an awesome way of sharing your thoughts ~ Keep up the great work my friend.

You have an awesome way of sharing your thought ~ Keep up the great work my friend.

Thanks Andrew! I've got a new project that I'm working on and have to give this more attention! 1 Love~

KEEP DRIVING THIS BABY.....NOT FAR AWAY?

KEEP DRIVING THIS BABY.....NOT FAR AWAY?

Thanks Rhonn! Hope that all is well in the DTX! 1 Love~

Congrat's Lee...
Wishing you much success ALWAYS!
Rhonn R. Dallas/Ft. Worth TX

Congrat's Lee...
Wishing you much success ALWAYS!
Rhonn R. Dallas/Ft. Worth TX

Thanks Towanna and I have the same wish... 1 Love~

Although I have not read the entire book yet, I will as it really has grabbed me. Based on the first chapter, this book should be put in the stores so folks can feel the real honesty in the pages. I will continue to send my opinion, as I continue to read this. Towanna (Seattle52)

Although I have not read the entire book yet, I will as it really has grabbed me. Based on the first chapter, this book should be put in the stores so folks can feel the real honesty in the pages. I will continue to send my opinion, as I continue to read this. Towanna (Seattle52)

Right On! And I look forward to your input... Thanks

Hi Lee thanks for introducing me to the site...I'm looking forward to reading the book...I will chat with you soon.
Smiles,
Melinda

Hi Lee thanks for introducing me to the site...I'm looking forward to reading the book...I will chat with you soon.
Smiles,
Melinda

chuckling... Been too busy deleting chapters and just got finished and posted Chap 37! I've got the rest read to take it to 41 and it's finished. Marketing will be the effort of the days ahead. Thanks for checking on me and I love the new cover... 1 Love~

159 C'mon Lee think marketing?

159 C'mon Lee think marketing?

Thanks ever so much and I've made some initial changes based on your suggestions. I wish that I had the time right now to work it all out... Personal message me if you want the details of "Now"! Thanks again and I really appreciate your support. 1 Love~

Hi Lee

Sorry for the delay in returning the read. Ok so your pitch, for me I found it hard to read in one block and would maybe look a splitting into paragraphs so it's easier on the eye. Also, 'affect' should be 'effect'

Ok so your firs chapter, a couple of things I noted. Of course this is all only my opinion and I don't tend to read heavy lit fic so it could just be that I'm missing the point with some, if that's the case then i do apologise...

'this place is or people like me who got lost or who became homeless' - I'd remove the second 'who' as it feels a touch repetitive. 

'did you know that one in every three homeless (I would put 'person' here instead of people) in America are (I'd use 'is' instead of are) a veteran?'

The spelling out of 1982 I stumbled over, but that may just be down to style.

You have a lot of 'that' sprinkled in there, just a heads up. The punctuation is, to me, a little off but again, I know the rules are sometimes applied differently in this genre. 

The intro I liked. It was like a long, rambling thought but I'm a little confused so far with how this links in with Jacques. Maybe it'll get clearer as I read on.

The bit about Marabina (lovely name btw) I felt that the 'beautiful, witty and stunning' felt a bit repetitive because of the 'stunning'. To me, this is the same a beautiful, if a little more potent and personally I didn't think you needed both.

He started smoking weed when he was 10. You say 'one year before he separated from active duty' for some reason it read to me like the one year before was when he was 9??

The intro of Trace, you have Jacques say to him not to talk about his mum like that, but I don't recall Jacques mum being mentioned...

Looking into the kitchen - who's looking into the kitchen? Wife beater?? What is that? An article of clothing? Maybe a US/UK lost in translation thing...

Some of the narrative is telling us about dialogue taking place, personally I'd prefer to read it as dialogue, but thats just me.

He is wondering if these two women are the pigs - to me this felt as if he was expecting the police to arrive?

Ok, so Jacques is a bit of a lamo. He has it all but he's coming across as a self centred, arrogant drug dependant good for nothing. I'm guessing by your last sentence he's soon going to be learning a lesson...

Chapter 2

All most - should be almost 

All ways - should be always

So, this is the young Jacques. 

The narrative here feels much, much better and fits the age of Jacques perfectly in terms of the disjointed sentences. 

A man of colour? I don't like that. Though I guess it's probably inkeeping with the time period.

The bit about the woman touching his hair was very nicely done. Hard to believe that stuff still goes on today.

This chapter is, I felt, much easier to read than the first and by showing us his childhood you've made me begin to think a bit better about him. I did think that maybe he'd come from money in the first chapter so it was nice to see that the opposite was true.

I'm having to read off my phone as my net is down so I can't really read much more than this, and sorry of my message is written weird.

Silva

Hi Lee

Sorry for the delay in returning the read. Ok so your pitch, for me I found it hard to read in one block and would maybe look a splitting into paragraphs so it's easier on the eye. Also, 'affect' should be 'effect'

Ok so your firs chapter, a couple of things I noted. Of course this is all only my opinion and I don't tend to read heavy lit fic so it could just be that I'm missing the point with some, if that's the case then i do apologise...

'this place is or people like me who got lost or who became homeless' - I'd remove the second 'who' as it feels a touch repetitive. 

'did you know that one in every three homeless (I would put 'person' here instead of people) in America are (I'd use 'is' instead of are) a veteran?'

The spelling out of 1982 I stumbled over, but that may just be down to style.

You have a lot of 'that' sprinkled in there, just a heads up. The punctuation is, to me, a little off but again, I know the rules are sometimes applied differently in this genre. 

The intro I liked. It was like a long, rambling thought but I'm a little confused so far with how this links in with Jacques. Maybe it'll get clearer as I read on.

The bit about Marabina (lovely name btw) I felt that the 'beautiful, witty and stunning' felt a bit repetitive because of the 'stunning'. To me, this is the same a beautiful, if a little more potent and personally I didn't think you needed both.

He started smoking weed when he was 10. You say 'one year before he separated from active duty' for some reason it read to me like the one year before was when he was 9??

The intro of Trace, you have Jacques say to him not to talk about his mum like that, but I don't recall Jacques mum being mentioned...

Looking into the kitchen - who's looking into the kitchen? Wife beater?? What is that? An article of clothing? Maybe a US/UK lost in translation thing...

Some of the narrative is telling us about dialogue taking place, personally I'd prefer to read it as dialogue, but thats just me.

He is wondering if these two women are the pigs - to me this felt as if he was expecting the police to arrive?

Ok, so Jacques is a bit of a lamo. He has it all but he's coming across as a self centred, arrogant drug dependant good for nothing. I'm guessing by your last sentence he's soon going to be learning a lesson...

Chapter 2

All most - should be almost 

All ways - should be always

So, this is the young Jacques. 

The narrative here feels much, much better and fits the age of Jacques perfectly in terms of the disjointed sentences. 

A man of colour? I don't like that. Though I guess it's probably inkeeping with the time period.

The bit about the woman touching his hair was very nicely done. Hard to believe that stuff still goes on today.

This chapter is, I felt, much easier to read than the first and by showing us his childhood you've made me begin to think a bit better about him. I did think that maybe he'd come from money in the first chapter so it was nice to see that the opposite was true.

I'm having to read off my phone as my net is down so I can't really read much more than this, and sorry of my message is written weird.

Silva

Thank you Strachan. I've wrote mostly about being out of New Orleans and will be happy to look at your work... I wish you great success in your efforts.

Very assured and ,of course , New Orleans is a great setting for a novel , perhaps very underutilised, in fact ,when you think about it ,creative work with the city as background is quite limited which seems strange , I can only think of Clint Eastwood's 'Tightrope'. Are you a native of the city ? I enjoyed reading the first chapter of your book - I wonder if you would have the time to take a look at the first chapter of mine called 'A Buccaneer' and is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes , Strachan Gordon

Very assured and ,of course , New Orleans is a great setting for a novel , perhaps very underutilised, in fact ,when you think about it ,creative work with the city as background is quite limited which seems strange , I can only think of Clint Eastwood's 'Tightrope'. Are you a native of the city ? I enjoyed reading the first chapter of your book - I wonder if you would have the time to take a look at the first chapter of mine called 'A Buccaneer' and is set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes , Strachan Gordon

Thanks and I will continue to work on it!

183 slowly but surely...

Andrew David Doyle

183 slowly but surely...

Andrew David Doyle

65 bookshelves your getting there.....185 keep at it....

If you noiticed I have little or none of my books on shelves, sad, this may be but The Silent Apostle is doing well, and The Lost Monks of Avalon manuscript is flying around Hollywood screenplay dudes..but there is a cost.... strange how this unfolds.

Take care,

I think that you have some valid points and it'll take me a minute to process what you've written. I sincerely thank you for the thought and time that you put into this comment. I will look into the info that you left me and will check out your work as soon as I can. It may be next Monday as I'm going to be away from the computer this entire weekend. Again, a sincere thanks. Lee

I think your writing just needs a bit of tidying up and cutting down and not being so long winded at times.

And I might suggest to you, that in view of the start about faking medical diagnosis in order to cover up for broken down spies and what they did in the cold war that you check out, the Rosenhan Expt:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosenhan_experiment

This was entirely done without malice and showed you how psychiatrists would make mistakes and refuse to believe sane people that they were pretending, or really mentally ill that they judged sane as they thought they were malingering.

But it is a start to putting doubt in the average readers mind and then you gradually unveil to them that it has actually been done deliberately.

I would you suggest you re-write the book with this plot (discovering of "mistaken" diagnosis, then discovery on investigation of deliberate faking, and then discovering of reason why), as readers like a good detective novel, and also they sometimes dont believe the premise if you give it to them straight out, no matter how true it is.

(There is an old movie adage, "IT may be true but is it beleiveable" about how some real life stories, no matter how true, the audience just wont believe and switches off, due to prejudice or disbelief. Until someone actually appears in the paper, like the unfortunate woman kept for sixteen years.)

I have found out myself how difficult it is to get poeple to "buy into" the idea of the truth, even if you have documentary evidence stamped under oath in a court like I do, and I wondered if you would consider pandering to the reader's prejudices a bit so that they can connect ot your writing at the outset, then you can let them discover the idea of the govt hiding spies in mental hospitals with faked diagnosis, so no-one believes what the govt made them do.

What do you think of this idea.?

I think your writing just needs a bit of tidying up and cutting down and not being so long winded at times.

And I might suggest to you, that in view of the start about faking medical diagnosis in order to cover up for broken down spies and what they did in the cold war that you check out, the Rosenhan Expt:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosenhan_experiment

This was entirely done without malice and showed you how psychiatrists would make mistakes and refuse to believe sane people that they were pretending, or really mentally ill that they judged sane as they thought they were malingering.

But it is a start to putting doubt in the average readers mind and then you gradually unveil to them that it has actually been done deliberately.

I would you suggest you re-write the book with this plot (discovering of "mistaken" diagnosis, then discovery on investigation of deliberate faking, and then discovering of reason why), as readers like a good detective novel, and also they sometimes dont believe the premise if you give it to them straight out, no matter how true it is.

(There is an old movie adage, "IT may be true but is it beleiveable" about how some real life stories, no matter how true, the audience just wont believe and switches off, due to prejudice or disbelief. Until someone actually appears in the paper, like the unfortunate woman kept for sixteen years.)

I have found out myself how difficult it is to get poeple to "buy into" the idea of the truth, even if you have documentary evidence stamped under oath in a court like I do, and I wondered if you would consider pandering to the reader's prejudices a bit so that they can connect ot your writing at the outset, then you can let them discover the idea of the govt hiding spies in mental hospitals with faked diagnosis, so no-one believes what the govt made them do.

What do you think of this idea.?

Thanks Andrew and I will check out the cover art... Wishing you great success with your work. Let me know if I can help in any way. Lee

Hopefully this will fly upwards....well done .

Andrew David Doyle

Have you seen the dust cover for The Silent Apostle...it really portrays the body of work.

already had it on my shelf....oops only got one book shelf lol

Hopefully this will fly upwards....well done .

Andrew David Doyle

Thanks ever so much and I really hope that you enjoy it! Please "back the book" if you feel that it warrants merit. Again, Thanks in advance.
Lee

Im just back from New Orleans and this i just have to read .. !