Under the Wicked Sky

Hi Edward. The first chapter was enough to show me the quality of this book. It is well written and well paced. If I'd recommend anything, it would be to scan over it and remove the odd bit of unecessary...ness - for example "I took aim and shot at him" would be just as effective, if not more so, written as "I took aim and fired". Just little things like that, which might make it just a little tighter. Also, I imagine the woman punched him in the crotch, not the crouch.

I will back this happily, and then go on and read some more! I'd appreciate it if you would have a look at mine, comment and, if you think it is deserving, back it too :) Thanks

This is a good back. My father would love this book and loves the old west and ever since I was young I have watched the old western shows, and this book was wonderful.

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting start. An engaging main character. Good descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) '... every man for himself,' ' ... nothin' but dust in the wind,' and ' ... flow through my hands like water' are cliches. Consider rewriting these using the same ideas, but with fresh words. There are more cliches in the first chapter.
2) 'As I put it back, the slow gallop of a horse echoed off the walls..' Remove one of the periods.
3) "Come to take me back have you?" He yelled. ''He' should be lowercase.
4) "Are you done weaseling out tight spots?" Insert 'of' after 'out,'

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you take a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a fine day.

Al

Hi Edward,

Your writing took me back to the old west, which is a good prelude to the science fiction elements of your novel. The first wo chapters were well-executed - I could 'see' everything that was going on.
Excellent stype to your prose, it has excellent coverage of what you're conveying.
Vincente is the quintessential rough and tough guy, with a soft side. It makes me want to root for him to make it alive in the forlorn world that he lives in. Backed.

Cynthia
Sharing Short Stories

sorry it took me so long to take a look - been quite busy. but i've finally found the time and am really enjoying what i've read so far. i've only read the first few chapters, but will carry on.
i think the idea of a more sciencey/ futuristic western is awesome and i like the pace too.
overall very good - backed with pleasure
abi

I really like the idea of the futuristic old west. I would almost see the tumbleweeds in the opening scene. The story movs along quick which is great. I would suggest saying more about the scroungeres so that the audience isnt left guessing as much. Maybe a little more about what the radiation did etc.
Backed.
J.
The Champion

I have read three chapters and believe I have got your style from them. Interesting premise-the end of the world scenario, although am not sure there is enough to keep the interest going. It took me a while to realise that the woman was the one he had rescued from Romero and why she ran from him was not all that convincing. This said, I think you have an interesting story just needs a little work to straighten it out. there is a lot of dialogue without any description and although sometimes this works to keep the action going, sometimes we need a little description to aid our imagination.
Millie x

Have only read 2 chapters and not my normal type of read but, looks good and I am enjoying it so intend to read on.
Backed and starred with pleasure.
Lizzie Scott :-)

This is an interesting story and it hooked me already. I never expected a 'western'-type dialogue but that is what I'm hearing. You have a likeable bounty hunter and I look forward to reading the rest of the story tomorrow. Already I can see that it deserves backing but you will have to wait a few days as I am full-up for now. All the best,
CSPoulsen THE INSIDERS mg/ya please take a look at my book when you have a chance. Thanks.

Hi Edward,
I backed your book, i like the premise. I will read it soon.

Cheers, Daniel
Peacekeeper

Edward,
I have backed your book and added it to my WL to read some time. (See my reading policy). Hope you make it!
Flying Turtle.

clever writing
backed :)

You have a way of writing in a kicked back way that is really appealing, and the images you develop are crystal clear, yet leave me room for interpretation. I like that. I'll return with comments after reading more if I see anything I think is worth bringing to your attention. Under the Wicked Sky is on my shelf.
G
Einstein's Road Trip [ I would like to see your take on Einstein if your time allows. Thanks. ]

Dear Ed,
If you are speaking in the 1st person it shouldn't be necessary to use explanatory endings such as 'I spat'. Plus I agree with the previous comment re plotting. Tighten it up if you can.
All the best though.
Terry.

I found the writing style witty, but the development of the plot "jerky". It was hard to envision what the scenes were like or what the people were feeling.

So many modern novels rely on the shock effect of being vulgar, I would welcome a more cultivated style of literature, with deeper meaning and an enriching experience. The description of what the long-barreled gun could be used for seems came across to me a low-brow, turned me off right away.

Quite a bit of editing is needed. Examples in ch. 11:
No sorrow needed." He said.
and we do enforce it." She warned.

Best wishes in your struggle to be an author,
- Royal

A good read. I like this type of story. Backed.

The plot's well worked out and the settings are chillingly convincing. I think you could do with some hyphens in places, e.g. pistol-toting and something else following in 7. Backed
Lara
Good for Him

Hi, this is not really my genre, a bit too much of a boys story for me! That does not detract from it's qualities though obviously. It flows well and is well described. All the best of the Editor's Desk.

Clare
A Policeman's Lot

I love your imagery. What a way with words you have! this is not my genre, but the way it flows made me want to read more. You seem to have very useful critism here already so I won't repeat that, I will definately back this book.

My mind was in desperate need of a break--something I could sit back and enjoy. You delivered. The writing is fresh and clever, and well polished. I'd prefer more frequent paragraphing as it's easier on the eyes, but you still keep things fast paced.

Looks like you've gotten some wonderful critical feedback already, but I'll drop a note to say consider your target audience. I'm not your target audience, so I'm not 100% sure what they would want, but this to me was a good light, fast paced read. Not everyone who reads is looking for remarkable depths.

xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

Hi again,

I thought about this book all night after reading it and realised you do what a lot of first time writers do. Write the story with as much detail you think it needs but NOT what the READER needs.

I've read a few other comments and it seems this book is confusing to alot of us. So let's see if I can give you some advice.

1 - set it out better. Have you seen the movie I am Legend? There's small pieces of backstory woven through the movie. Do that with this book. Waiting until the middle to end to write a large back story about the world ending is not good. And it wasn't all that detailed. Maybe have the prologue with the bomb dropping. That will intrigue us to find out who did it, why it happened, who started the whole process.

2 - characters were not fleshed out. Why was Jack's real name Aiden and why did he/you not want us knowing it and who is he really is, besides being a spy. There wasn't much story about Tish and Colette, or Allison/Haley, and I only got THAT realisation after thinking about it. But there was NO explanation, you expected us to guess.

3 - don't make us guess what really happened after finishing it. We need small answers woven through the book.

4 - I know this may sound strange, but read a Jackie Collins book. The way she makes small chapters weave the story of the stalker, other characters, jump backs in storyline is essential to understanding hoe to set out this kind of book.

5 - when I wrote my first book I just wrote it, then added in the chap endings and beginnings later. The second book, the one uploaded here, I sat down, wrote a one or two sentence synopsis for each chapter and what I wanted to happen. Believe me, it worked.

6 - take a long hard look at #5 and go back and read over your story. Setting out a book chapter by chapter is very useful. You need to understand what we are saying with the confusion. Small chapters of a charaters back story (who they are, what they do, where they came from, why they lie) is incredibly neccessary for the reader to understand what is going on and why it happened. Sure he was a spy, spy for who, spy for what, why was there a war, and it had to be more than just they hit first coz they thought we had weapons.

Where's the story about New York? The story of how the underground came to be, how the Scroungers exist without eyeballs, coz I'd love to know that.

This book is VERY I Am Legend. Apocolyptic war, the world wiped out etc. Maybe reading books of a similar style will help you see how the authors set their books out, the back stories, the characters and who they are and what they're doing.

And by the way, the whole sex scene was quite a turn off in a western style apocolyptic story. One night stands are'nt neccessary especially since she didn't know who the hell he was. And as for Romero supposedly killing and burning the whole village but not really coz she lied etc, no, just didn't work. I was confused about that too.

One last thing. I know, as an author, this book is your baby. I get that, but I think you need to take a hard look at this book as a READER, NOT a writer, and figure out what YOU want in a story of this nature if you were to read it. It might help you realise what we've been saying, and where you've gone wrong. Don't take that to heart. Even well known writers still get told by their editors that they need to rewrite chapters and sections.

Print it out, read it, rearrange it. Flesh it out, give us more understanding of the characters and the story and how the war came to be. This book needs an overhaul, but it shouldn't be that hard to do.

And one more thing, have you joined a writers group, read books on how to write a good story etc, it might help too.

Jewels

Edward,
Read the first few chapters. You have same problem I did at first. Take your time and work on your transitions. Colorful enough to back though.

Steve Kemp

Your pitch is very intriguing and drew me in straight away. The opening to your first chapter has a very strong, clear voice. I do like this style, it helps the reader to get to know the character straight away. Its hard to pull off and refreshing to read a different approach to narration.

I'm up to chapter three so far which is quite heavy with dialogue. Your dialogue is well written but it could do with being broken up with a bit more description. I began to lose track of what was going on towards the end. You don't have to tell your reader everything they say to each other, just the bits that matter to the story or that reveal something about the character. Also Tish begins to undress. I don't know why but I just thought it was a little abrupt, there was no leading up to it. Also there's no reaction on your protagonists part to this event or on her behalf to his impassivity towards her advances, so in my head she's standing around half-naked. If my reading skills are just letting me down and I've missed something then please just ignore my comments!

Sometimes it helps to leave your book for a while and re read with fresh eyes. Your first two chapters were really good, it is clear you have been working hard on this book. I like the character you are drawing I'm really interested to see how his story pans out. Backed with pleasure.

All the best with your book.

This reminds me of Denzel Washington's movie "Book of Eli" a little bit. Best of success to you.

Natasha
"Dani the Earth Angel"

Always fond of a post-apocalyptic story. Strong first chapter filled with a decent amount of action. I'm thinking I'll have to put this on my watch list until I have time to delve further into your novel. Thank you for the invitation to your story. Hope you enjoyed Twin Fates.
~Richard

i both like and dislike this books, i enjoy post-apoc books but felt the wild west theme a bit off-putting. i felt like 'the book of eli' but set in the wild west rather than a post-apocalypse. i'll read a little more, see if i can change my mind,

Kevin
How Gods Frolic & Where Evil Dwells

Dear Edward Smith,

I love learning and you create something based on your own which I find good and will back. It is always good to reach out to others to gain a greater appreciation of the creative spirit and its activities. I would like to wish you success in those activities and good acquaintences who know and reciprocate your talents. Thank you for sharing with me your active life.

All the Best,

Billy McBride

I really wanted to like this book, since I found the pitch fascinating. The best I can do in trying to like it is to take it as a spoof, but I'm not sure the author intended it as such.

First, there's the matter of the very first paragraph - the one that sets the mood and style for the whole book. It's one long series of hackneyed sayings. How is the reader meant to take that?

Then there's the matter of the word "minute" being repeatedly misspelled as "minuet" - as in "a few minuets later" - did the characters dance at Versailles?

Then there are unbelievable lines like "a small handful of men was collectively gathered in small groups." A small handful of men would be less than five - not enough to gather in more than two small groups, and certainly not as many as the narration goes on to describe. Not to mention that if the small groups are COLLECTIVELY gathered, then they are small groups no longer.

Then we have a bad guy on a horse pulling a wagon, shot from the wagon, and, we are told, falling directly in the path of the wagon. When a horse is hitched to a wagon, there is no room between horse and wagon for a body to squeeze through, especially with the hitching poles on either side of the horse. Moreover, the force of the bullet would push the bad guy's body AWAY from horse and wagon, to say nothing of the jouncing effect of the horse. This is simply not possible physically.

Then we have chapter six, which is blank.

Overall, we have what appears to be at best a very pedestrian Western - far below the fine standards set by Zane Grey and Louis L'Amour - with occasional references to this being a postapocalyptic world, with no clear explanation how, in a few years since the nuclear event, it was decided to go to a fictional kind of 19th century that never really existed except in the pages of Western writers. We do have, halfway through the book, a backstory that tells us briefly about the nuclear holocaust, but then it's back to pedestrian Western format.

I come away confused and very, very disappointed.

I strongly recommend that the writer shelve this. Come back to it in a year and see if it can be overhauled. But, better, put this aside for good, and go on to the next story. It took me FOUR novels before I got the hang of writing a novel. My advice to new writers is, invariably, write the words "The End" and then go on to the next and make it BETTER than your last. This story, I'm afraid, gives plenty of room for the next to be better.

Under a Wicked Sky - Good opening paragraph - the reader is given more than a sense of the setting and the ethos/agenda of the main character who, throughout the 3 chapters I read, has no name.
Characters are drawn with a no nonsense economy of words and the writing has a kind of naive personality, making this a very different style. And how many men have been caught in a similar situation described in chapter two - not many who would wish to mention it. This was a laugh out loud moment and the slyness with which it was introduced, very clever. Some very good one liners too. Gunslingers in a post apocalyptic world? Some habits are hard to break. An entertaining and easy read.

Child - Atramentus Speaks

Interesting novel, not the usual sort I read. I thought the backstory went on for too long and got a bit confusing. Storylines needed to be told more. Why did Tish lie? Why did he kill them all? What happened to Allison?

Jewels

This reminds me of Stephen King's Gunslinger. I like the tone and voice of this, and the idea is cool. At times there are sentences that could be shown instead of told. I think if you did that throughout, you could expand this into a more novel length manuscript. But there are some clever lines in here, and overall it's quite well written. Backed for sure.

Laura Freeman
Writers on the Storm

A post apocalyptic Western with a smooth talking, cool hero. I found it easy to read with lots of sly humor. The song lyrics he and the girl quoted to each other a nice touch. Watch listed for now,
regards, Daniel

Great opening. Just the right mix of drama and strangeness to draw the reader into the story. Very subtle in its mix of stereotypical macho westernisms with a touch of the bizarre. Happy to back it

hey edward,
im in a bit of a rush at the mo but your's was the last pitch i looked at before turning off and going out and its grabbed my attention, will give it a proper read and comment back later

Alexander Allen- 'The Middle of Nowhere'

Read and backed. Comments to follow. Saffina. http://saffinadesforges.wordpress.com

Not my usual genre but I like it (read first three chapters). You have a very lyrical writing style.

This is not my usual cup of tea - it's very much a man's book - but the writing is good. You write dialogue really well - it never sounds forced or unnatural. It rattles along nicely, and, as someone else said, I like the kick ass style to it. Backed.

Regards
Laura (Three Wishes (very much a woman's book!))

Oh what a boy's book this is! By that, I do not mean it can't be liked by women or even written by them, but certainly not by this prim female, who's always dwellling (yes still!) in the fairyland of handsome rogues and ballroom princesses, hoping for a better and more lovable world. So: excellently written, to-the-point, fresh comparisons and strong language. I like it, Edward. and wish you all the luck in the world to make it to the editor's desk. Hannah

Nice start to the story with nice suspense and action. Really makes me want to read more so well done. Good subtle use of humour as well.

All the best with the novel

Kindest Regards
Alan Dartnall
~The Demon's Vengeance~

Edward,

This is moving, dark and foeboding. You set the scene well and bring tension to a dark subject. I couldn't find many nit picks to comment on, so you have my backing 100%.

The very best with this.

Kind regards,

Jodi
x-Evalesco-x

Edward

Really enjoyed Ch1 and 2. Nice pace of action and strong characters. Obviously the two rivals are set up nicely and as one who enjoys sci-fi I can see this future wasteland environment setting up a nice field of battle. Technically clean. Backed.

Although probably even close to your zone for entertainment reading, care to read my work and at least give me some feedback with my target audience in mind. I suggest reading the foreword and then Ch5 on to get to the material you may find more interesting.

Way Backed.

RIver
The Secret Snow

UNDER THE WICKED SKY-Edward Smith
hullo Edward. Have just started this book but I want to back a good style of writing.
Already shelved and backed.
Please take a look at my book if you have not and thanks for that.
Linda Lou Long
Southern dis-Comfort
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11421

I'm backing this book with great pride... I can't wait to read more and find out how it ends for the beginning has caught my attention....

Edward

Sassy, kick-ass style with a confident swagger. Not really my thing, but I'm always prepared to back good writing.
Care to take a peek at Dying for Love - very different to yours, British murder mystery! - and comment? Perhaps back it if you think it has merit?

Yours

Colin Eston

The support I have had during my illness has meant so much to me and has kept my book afloat whilst I was unable to attend to reviewing and backing. I would very much appreciate you taking a look at it to see if it is worthy of your backing, thank you. I am now feeling a lot better and will be visiting the site and playing my part once more, though for a while I cannot fully participate by writing out my comments for each one, so, I am backing without comment, other than this note, which I have cut and pasted to all. However, if you require a comment, let me know and I will try to oblige as soon as I can. Otherwise, you can take it that, by backing your book, I enjoyed your work. Love, Mary – Oh, by the way. I am making it my mission to help prevent breast cancer in the older lady by asking everyone to ensure you remind every woman in your family over the age of fifty to not miss her mammogram appointments. I had no outward sign of the malignant cancer inside my breast. My mammogram showed it up before it had time to migrate to my lymph nodes and so, saved my life. A little reminder could save the lives of the women you love. Thank you.

Please, no need to back a book just to back it, but thanks. It deserves more attention than that. If you enjoy The Wonder of Terra then back it. I will review your material.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

I like the voice...gruff, rough, in your face (as they say in the US?). It has the authentic feel of the western to it and I think the rather farcical game element adds to its appeal...well done!
Cheers
Stewart

Well written, this is one of the rare books on Authonomy that I believe will see publication. Totally believable, absorbing prose. Great action, edge and fun. No negative comments, happy with this, happy to back.
Best of luck! Fabrice, Club Wars

HI Edward, A very interesting and intriguing read with a western type theme. I like the book and I BAck it. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

Edward,
Have read all 38. Nicely woven apocolyptic with western.
The story holds together nice and taut and the characters are drawn in vivid depth.
Liked this alot
:)
Diane