Fall in Line

As I'm reading this I find myself wondering why this isn't so much higher in the rankings. You write really well, the descriptions are lovely, the portrayal of small town life is spot on, the dialogue is funny and very realistic and you have a trio of very engaging characters in Nick, Sam and Josh. And Julie. We meet her after her demise, yet she seems as 'alive' as the rest. But reading on I think I may have stumbled upon part of the reason; you have too many characters and points of view. As a writer who often gets the complaint of too many characters confusing the narrative, I have nothing but sympathy. They seem so real and distinct as we write them, and it feels unnatural to refer to a character by a title or designation, but for the first time reader the sheer number of names is daunting. It's hard to keep everybody straight. Add to that shifting points of view from one paragraph to the next and it becomes harder to keep focus. Which is a shame because this is a great story with really good writing. I've read up to the point where Sam has that brutally hard conversation with Josh about his conception and it was so well done. As is so much of the story.

I can only repeat that this is a very good story, it captured and kept my interest. I'm keeping it on my wl so I can come back and read more.

Kathy

Beautiful tone to this writing -- I can see the snowy surroundings vividly. I like the way you develop and describe your main character. The town gossip was a great way to give us some details that a lesser writer could have made sound like information-dump. Your craftsmanship is really excellent, and you lead us into major tragedy from which the story can launch. Critique-wise, the only thing I found to quibble with was the first line. It seemed like an abrupt jump from bed to shoveling. I'd just cut it, work Nick's name into the current second paragraph, and start from there.
But that's just me! Ignore me if you'd prefer. Great stuff overall!
And if you have any interest in children's literature please do come take a peek at the Lost Wink.
Thanks,
Tod
http://authonomy.com/books/40646/the-lost-wink/

Thank you for the backing. I usually think of this as drivel, but when I try to edit it, I fall in love with Nick every single time. I appreciate the support.

Hi Bridget. your book Fall in Line captivated me and had me up all night reading it.. absolutly loved it, so hav given you a top ranking & hav already started to recommend your book .. good luck in the future..babyBx

Hi Bridget
I am currently on the forth chapter of your book Fall in Line, & so far I am totaly enjoying the read... to the point am finding it a bit of a wrench when I have to put it aside for a while. babyB x

Bridget,
I enjoyed the first four chapters of Fall in Line. I pondered for some time about your decision to keep with a more passive introduction to this story. In general, I agree with Claire's comment about the value of action and dialog at the outset. I like to begin my stories with such. But it appears that you have a romance on offer; and although I don't generally read romance as a genre, your more ponderous approach works fine, quite well, in fact, for your goals. Now, when I say 'romance' I don't mean to negate the depth of your content. I see from your tags that the reader will be encountering grief (which we have from the get-go with Nick's backstory), various illnesses and relationships. I'm yammering a lot just to tell you that your approach works. It's not my preference, but it works for me as a reader.
Now, you have some wonderful descriptions. You made me quite jealous of your Rocky Mountain environment. You cleverly bring to our attention that Nick is a cop (rather than just telling us). Again, well done. You cover some interesting details. I appreciated the tip on power windows when a vehicle submerges. The cell phone/scribbled message was poignant. I chuckled when you described Nick's refrigerator, 'its contents still not proving to be inspriational.'
So, I've met Nick; I know his story. I've met Sam and learned about her son. I can see that there is a lot more in store. From these chapters and the pitches, I am happy to rate Fall in Line with five stars for now.
Best,
John B. Campbell (A Lark Ascending)

I hope these comments will be helpful, but if not feel free to ditch them - I'm an unpublished writer, after all, so it's quite possible that I don't know what I'm talking about! 
The first thing that strikes me as I look at your first chapter is that it's in long paragraphs with no dialogue and virtually no space. That can put people off picking up a book, especially in the opening pages. Is there any way you can introduce some dialogue? You have some lovely description but I'm not sure that the opening pages are the best place for it. One paragraph is fine - especially as it's literary fiction - but then I would move onto the paragraph explaining what his scowl was for. Also, tiny nit, and this might be a cultural thing - plugged inthe car? What does that mean? I know there are electric cars now that you need to plug in but he says it's an old car, so I'm confused....
You give us a lot of backstory, a lot of description - my advice would be to plunge us into the story now - whether his car is going to start is not really enough of a question for me to keep reading - then weave in the rest later. 
You write well, and there's a lovely rhythm to some of your sentences, and your short pitch in particular drew me straight in. Plunge me straight into that story and I will definitely want to read! 

Bridget,
I enjoyed the first five chapters of ‘Fall in line’ and will definitely come back for more. You write well and on occasions throw in some excellent dialogue. At the moment, for commercial fiction, the balance doesn’t feel quite right. There are solid sections of prose/description that don’t feel as though they either add to the story or move it forward. That said it is a good story and the reader soon becomes involved with Nick.
Best of luck with this and, as soon as I have space, happy to back ‘Fall in Line’.
Geoff.
Gefordson
Nothing you can do.

Fall in Line is an interesting combination of genres, yet they all mesh together quite well under the skill of author Bridget Dunn. There is more than enough family drama and characterization that the novel could be considered literary fiction. There is enough of a love story that it could almost be chick lit. There is even an overriding mystery that could help it edge into that genre.

The biggest strength, and the reason Fall in Line can be such a chameleon, is the development of the characters. Readers will identify with and root for main character Nick Drago right away. And Dr. Samantha Garner is also a believable person whom I feel like I know after reading.

I think the pacing in the book is good. It does slow a bit after a beautifully written opening scene, but given the cross-genre nature of the tale, this is not unexpected or even unwanted. I personally liked having the time to get to know the various characters and the setting better before things really started picking up.

Fall in Line is a perfect book for reading at the beach, or while enjoying summer holidays. And far from being a jack of all trades and a master of none, I think it will pick up readers from a lot of different genres once published. After all, good literature stands on its own, and Fall in Line is certainly in that category.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

The description in the opening scene is good, but it almost took too long to get to the action ( for me and my very short attention span) Once I got to the part about the car going into the river I really wanted to know what happened. Iif you start in the ambulance with the chest compressions, I wonder if you'll keep more people hooked. You can work back from there. It may make people sympathetic to your protagonist from the get go. Just a thought. Nice work, Thanks for allowing me to read.

Your cat looks mischievous :)

Best of luck
Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

Bridget,
I was drawn to this story from reading the synopsis. It takes courage for people to overcome tragedy and move on and I always enjoy stories which have characters with troubled pasts. Your description of the scenery in the Columbia Valley at the beginning of the first chapter is exquisite. Along with your vivid descriptions of his surroundings are a look into Nick's soul. His deep thoughts and feelings are relayed in such intimate detail. You succeed in bringing the reader into the moment and acquainting them with your characters. Fall in Line is a very believable account which left me wishing I had time to read more.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

i really liked the opening with the mountain scene , well written. I plan on returning and rating as soon as i have room on my shelf. Good luck.

Illusiions of Comfort
Red

Bridget,
I check out your fine book and I liked it, so I decided to back it! If you would, please check out either of my two novels, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, or MY GENTLEMAN FRIEND, for a possible backing. Your help will be greatly appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Hi Bridget, Liked your pitch and I loved the intro about the BC mountains. Also, you've captured the sensitiveness Nick has about local talk and their way of thinking. You might split paragraphs or do a little cutting, only because they're long and it would easier for the eye. I noticed that during the narrative about Julie. You've got a very convincing start and then when Samantha comes in, Nick's thoughts and the dialogue around him has both flavor and harbingers of intrigue. Good atmosphere! Shelved - Katherine (The House in Windward Leaves, The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Bridget,

When I was wandering authonomy, I just came across your book. I like the pitch, so I'm going to have a good read + leave a comment. :)

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Wonderful description of the view. I can really picture the beautiful scene. I also like the way you use Nick's thoughts on the scenery to let us know what his brother does. Clever ;).

I've 1 tiny suggestion here. Occasionally, I think some of your paragraphs feel pretty long. They could make for intimidating blocks of text on printed pages. Is there any way you could paragraph a bit more often to make the reading easier and quicker for thickos like me? ;)

Reading on... Ah now we learn why Nick was scowling despite the beautiful scenery. He forgot to plug in his car. Oh and he's a cop too. Yeah he'd never hear the end of it if people heard he forgot to plug his car in ;). Hmmm I wonder what he did to get transferred way out here at his age. Ah his wife died. Poor Nick :(. I like the gossipy speculation you weave into the story. I can almost hear the whispered questions. ;)

I feel almost sorry for Nick because of the way he's being sized up. I doubt he's over his loss yet. Grrr why can't the women just let him grieve in peace for a while? It's like they've scented him and they're trying to hunt the poor sod down no matter how hard he runs :(.

Ah sounds like Julie died in a car accident. That must have felt like the end of Nick's world. (By the way, Interesting trivia about electric windows still working in such a situation. I didn’t expect that.) Sounds like Julie was in a catch 22 situation. She might have been able to escape from the car, but she'd have ended up freezing to death or suffocating because of being unable to get out the water:(. Oh her last words were so poignant. They must have really haunted Nick :(. Wow 1 last shock. She was pregnant at the time of death. Effectively, Nick lost a wife and kid in 1 incident. Everybody's nightmare. ;(

Hmm no wonder friends and family kept checking on Nick after the accident. After losing so much, he could easily have turned to suicide. His anger and bitterness is v understandable. In a way, such emotions comfort me, though. It shows me he's still alive and kicking emotionally. If he'd been dead inside, I think suicide would have been far more likely.

Interesting implications with the analysis of the crash. Looks like Mitch crashed into Julie's car, causing the fatal accident. I can only imagine how furious Nick was when pressure from above killed the investigation. I'm half surprised he didn't take the law into his own hands at that point. He does seem determined to get justice, though. somehow.

Wow Nick's life got even worse when he learned his dad had untreatable cancer. How much more can 1 guy take? With all the heartbreak and injustice, it's hardly a surprise Nick didn't want to be a cop at that moment in time.

Back in the present, though, it looks like Nick finally misses the job and wants to get back to it. I hope the work will be happier for him in Invermere.

Hmmm I wonder who Sam is and how her story intersects Nick's. I'm sure we'll soon see. ;)

I've a tiny suggestion on dialogue here. I don't think you need beats and speech tags simultaneously. eg in "How is your mom?" Peg asked with a wince..." we know who's speaking from the action. I think just " "How is your mom?" Peg winced...” would work fine and use fewer words. ;)

Reading on... Good dialogue between Peg and Sam. v natural. Good to see Sam actually thinks Nick should be left to grieve. I like her. I think Nick might like her too if he gets the chance ;). Sounds like she's dealing with tragedy too. Alzheimer's. That's a nasty 1. :(

Ah sounds like Nick is interested in Sam. I'm sensing a romance is on the cards ;). I almost laughed aloud at his thoughts about the cat "Lucifer" ;). I think this was a much needed moment of humour in a story filled with tragedy. The way the cat acted after Julie died, especially around Marek , was v sweet.

Fun dialogue with Katie, especially the "fat" bit ;). I was amazed when Nick managed to force himself to ask about the ultrasound. That must have really hurt him. He's a noble guy to put himself through such pain to make somebody else happy. The talk about names was lighter, though. I guess it is a minefield picking a name that's teaseproof. The 1 golden rule is to avoid Michael if your family name's Hunt ;).

By the end of the chapter, I really feel sorry for Nick, and hope he'll someday start enjoying life again. There's a ray of hope. Sam really seems to have made an impression on him. ;)

I just saw how long this comment's getting. Whoops, I think I got a bit carried away by your story. I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with emotion and tension. Your descriptions are really well done, and paint perfect pictures of what's going on. And the dialogue is believable and feels real. I especially like the way you make your characters feel so sympathetic and real. At the end of each section, I want to read on and find out what new developments your story has in store.

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent. I’d love to see this published as I think there's a real audience out there for your work. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

Thank you very much for your backing and your kind comments. I hope to return the favour for you shortly and have a look at Losing Janice.

The only 'person' in Fall in Line who is remotely related to someone I know is actually Lucy the cat.

Enjoying 'Fall in Line' greatly. Nick is an excellent character, and chapter one employs the excellent narative technique of having the hero leave home and start anew somwhere alien to him; so we empathise with his new experiences, seeing the new world through his eyes and wondering how he will cope. The first chapter has everything to keep me wanting to read on - even a cat. So glad I came upon this lovely book, which now sits on my shelf
Kathleen ('Losing Janice')

Bridget,
I got a kick out of the dynamic between Nick and Sam in "Fall in Line." This is the kind of romantic tale one cannot let go until one has read the last line. Your descriptive prose and informative dialogue helped to advance the story at a nice pace I could follow. Thanks for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Thank you very much for your comments and backing. I still want to know what happens with hot Tristram. Hope to see yours do well.

Regards,

Bridget.

I enjoyed your intriguing pitch and it made me want to read the book. Your narrative voice is really interesting and attracts the reader's attention with description, questions and ponderings. I loved your description of the mountains.. I live amongst huge mountains in Austria and marvel at them every day, so I could really relate. You set the scene well for the book to follow, and this book deserves to climb quickly up the ratings. Best of luck. I'm happy to back this. Best wishes, Emily (Traps and Topaz)

You were kind enough to be one of the first people who ever backed my book, way back when I first came onto this site.

When I saw that you had slipped to #5, I knew that I had to put you on my shelf, and you will stay there until you reach the ED, whether that is this month or next. I start bawling just reading your blub, let alone getting into the work.

You are totally fantastic, Bridget!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please gold ******-rated my book, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #6 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

You are totally fantastic, Bridget!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please gold ******-rated my book, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #6 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Thank you, Al

I never would have thought about the shampoo thing. I peersonally have about ten different varieties at any given time. I needed something for him to throw and thought bubble bath was too wussy. Maybe I'll just change it to every bottle and let the reader decide what's in it ;>

Same with the barber/ hairstylist thing. I spent two of the best summers of my life in Invermere, and the barber was retiring, so that pretty much left only the stylists for everyone. Maybe I'm being too accurate if it makes Nick sound like a pretty boy. (I had more in mind Hotch from Criminal Minds than John Edwards.)

thanks for your advice,

Bridget

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting, well fleshed out main character. Good deep point of view. Good details. Vivid descriptions. Not a lot of tension in the first chapter (other than Julia's accident). Sometimes the descriptive details seemed to slow down the pacing, but not very often. For example, 'they had bought some dishes when they got their first place together, bought curtains and blinds.'

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) ' ... and replace it with a 4 wheel drive ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
2) Have you considered starting with Julia's accident?
3) 'Technically, only a doctor can pronounce a erson dead.' 'Can' should be 'could' to keep the sentence in past tense and in tense agreement with the rest of the scene. There are more cases of present tense writing.
4) 'Gone in the blink of an eye' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
5) ' ... the one place Nick could throw every bottle of shampoo in frustration.' Minor point, but do Canadian men use multiple bottles of shampoo? I only use one kind. Reading 'multiple bottles of shampoo' pulled me out of the story because it didn't register as masculine.
6) 'Nick made a mental note to find a hairstylist here soon.' Do men in Canada go to a 'hairstylist' or a 'barber?' When I read 'hairstylist' I thought that Nick, like US politician John Edwards, spends too much on his haircuts.
7) "Thanks," Sam punched in the number. Period after 'thanks.' Same thing with "It is," Nick nodded. Period after 'is.' When a narrative sentence follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a period. There are more cases of this type of problem.
8) Capitalize 'internet.'

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your advice on "Savannah Fire."

Happy writing.

Al

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An interesting, well fleshed out main character. Good deep point of view. Good details. Vivid descriptions. Not a lot of tension in the first chapter (other than Julia's accident). Sometimes the descriptive details seemed to slow down the pacing, but not very often. For example, 'they had bought some dishes when they got their first place together, bought curtains and blinds.'

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) ' ... and replace it with a 4 wheel drive ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.
2) Have you considered starting with Julia's accident?
3) 'Technically, only a doctor can pronounce a erson dead.' 'Can' should be 'could' to keep the sentence in past tense and in tense agreement with the rest of the scene. There are more cases of present tense writing.
4) 'Gone in the blink of an eye' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresh way.
5) ' ... the one place Nick could throw every bottle of shampoo in frustration.' Minor point, but do Canadian men use multiple bottles of shampoo? I only use one kind. Reading 'multiple bottles of shampoo' pulled me out of the story because it didn't register as masculine.
6) 'Nick made a mental note to find a hairstylist here soon.' Do men in Canada go to a 'hairstylist' or a 'barber?' When I read 'hairstylist' I thought that Nick, like US politician John Edwards, spends too much on his haircuts.
7) "Thanks," Sam punched in the number. Period after 'thanks.' Same thing with "It is," Nick nodded. Period after 'is.' When a narrative sentence follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a period. There are more cases of this type of problem.
8) Capitalize 'internet.'

I hope this critique will help you polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for your advice on "Savannah Fire."

Happy writing.

Al

There is a lot of wit in your writing, but sorrow too. The first line made me chuckle (although I did wonder whether it should be 'awoke' rather than 'woke'- not 100% sure!). There was, for me, too much of a delay between reading that Nick was scowling and then finding out WHY he was scowling- I was expecting something a little more spectacular for it to be worth waiting for, but could just be me!
Best wishes, Karen

Thank you for your kind comments- I hadn't noticed the use of "just"- I'll have to reread and have a look for that.

Once a book goes on my shelf, it stays there until the person makes the ED. A friend at work and I have been discussing how badly sympathy cards suck and how we want to start our own line of honest cards. I think your characters would make a great market for them ;>

I'll have to check out that link to the Sun. It's been mostly positive- much better than the one line rejections from publishers to query letters. I'm trying to improve my appeal and get published, though I know that Fall in Line is movie-of-the-week drivel. I'm looking at it like a learning experience.

My mother-in-law refers to herself as a Zoomer all the time- "there's even a magazine!" She doesn't have a lot of zip, though, so it's pretty funny to hear it coming from someone who is not very zoomy.

FALL IN LINE

Dear Bridget,

The pitch is inviting. In the short pitch I would leave off the last line. it reads more intriguing to me. In the long pitch I would divide that one long paragraph into at least 2 paragraphs. Maybe at "But other processes.."

I just have enough time to read the first chapter. I love how you have made the setting a character. I wanted a little dialogue earlier than I got it. Maybe at He got the call? watch your use of the word "just".

Grieving for dummies, eh?

I have given you lots of stars because the writing and story are compelling and I'd like to see it published.
I will come back to read more.
A Zoomer

FALL IN LINE

Dear Bridget,

The pitch is inviting. In the short pitch I would leave off the last line. it reads more intriguing to me. In the long pitch I would divide that one long paragraph into at least 2 paragraphs. Maybe at "But other processes.."

I just have enough time to read the first chapter. I love how you have made the setting a character. I wanted a little dialogue earlier than I got it. Maybe at He got the call? watch your use of the word "just".

Grieving for dummies, eh?

I have given you lots of stars because the writing and story are compelling and I'd like to see it published.
I will come back to read more.
A Zoomer

I had the cover done by my graphic designer at work. She will love to hear that feedback. As have I- thank you for your positve comments.

I read the entire book and it was an enjoyable read. I'm glad you didn't leave threads hanging at the end in regards to Sam and Nick. It is well written. The cover is beautiful.

I read the entire book and it was an enjoyable read. I'm glad you didn't leave threads hanging at the end in regards to Sam and Nick. It is well written. The cover is beautiful.

Thank you so much for your positive comment. I hope it resolves itself nicely- I get kind of attached to these people as I write them ;>

Bridget -

Fall in Line - The mountains remind everyone of their own insignificance, a subtle way to place Nick's tremendeous grief into perspective. And impressive, the tour de force of what a town might think of the newcomer. We learn of his loss, the unresolved accident, and what is projected onto Nick's person via the gossip thread, providing rich information. The reader is made ot care about Nick in Columbia valley, and the people who cross his fate, like Sam. The excellent flow of the writing makes it easy to engage. Hopefully, beyond the conflicts in town, and the complexities of human behaviour, the story will provide a satisfying conclusion.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

Bridget -

Fall in Line - The mountains remind everyone of their own insignificance, a subtle way to place Nick's tremendeous grief into perspective. And impressive, the tour de force of what a town might think of the newcomer. We learn of his loss, the unresolved accident, and what is projected onto Nick's person via the gossip thread, providing rich information. The reader is made ot care about Nick in Columbia valley, and the people who cross his fate, like Sam. The excellent flow of the writing makes it easy to engage. Hopefully, beyond the conflicts in town, and the complexities of human behaviour, the story will provide a satisfying conclusion.

Backed, Pia (Course of Mirrors)

a delightful combination of elements and beautifully portrayed-superb writing and so compelling undoubtedly a best seller in this genre

backed

richard

If this ever gets published, I think we've found our jacket quote. Love it!

You'll not only Fall in Line with Bridget Dunn's atmospheric read, you'll fall deep into the avalanche of this compelling story. I can taste the clean powder in those majestic mountains, as the drama unfolds.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

You'll not only Fall in Line with Bridget Dunn's atmospheric read, you'll fall deep into the avalanche of this compelling story. I can taste the clean powder in those majestic mountains, as the drama unfolds.

Best and backed.

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Hi Bridget....very interesting, and delightful way you paint with words. Taken by the visual, and, gotta tell ya, would make a terrific movie. Good solid structure.

blessings,
jim
jack & charmian london

This starts really well. Sound narrative leads us through the terror and despair of the MC, and the constant ebate from his new deihbours over why he is there, what he is like, is he available. You capture the thoughtlessness of usually kind-minded people superbly. Backed with pleasure. Colin

Thank for for supporting

Your creative imagery is wonderful, and paints such a vivid canvas of nature at work. Great writing and engaging characters. Happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Your creative imagery is wonderful, and paints such a vivid canvas of nature at work. Great writing and engaging characters. Happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

thank you for the positive comments. I do tend to babble, so it doesn't surprise me that I could shorten my sentences.

Bridget,

Oh! what lovel descriptions of British Colombia and the details on the rocks were suberb. I love your characterization of Nick. he has great appeal as a character in a novel. He is believable and it is great that the book start off with him giving us a glimpse of more to come. The theme is excellent and the plot well defined.

If I had to say anything further it would be to to consider shortening some sentences (as far as is possible) and have shorter paragraphs in the beginning.

Great job

The Mind Setter

Hi Bridget,
Discovered your book when I read Yasmin's comments on it. Have not read it yet, but will soon and will comment. I was intrigued that it is based in British Columbia, because book one of my trilogy is based there as well. When you get a chance, would you read and comment on Once Upon A Time and I will do the same? Thanks. Backing appreciated too, but I won't take it personally if you don't want to. :)

Bridget,

Oh! what lovel descriptions of British Colombia and the details on the rocks were suberb. I love your characterization of Nick. he has great appeal as a character in a novel. He is believable and it is great that the book start off with him giving us a glimpse of more to come. The theme is excellent and the plot well defined.

If I had to say anything further it would be to to consider shortening some sentences (as far as is possible) and have shorter paragraphs in the beginning.

Great job

The Mind Setter

Thank you

An excellent addition to the phenomenon of Chick Lit.

BACKED

An excellent addition to the phenomenon of Chick Lit.

BACKED

Thank you, Barry. It does get better for Nick, eventually, but when he first entered my mind, he broke my heart and I wanted him to do the same for others, so that we'd root for him.

Hi Bridget,
I had time to read chapter one. I liked it and thought your early descriptions of the Purcell's and the Columbia Valley were great. Ex-cop Nick is a very late riser! His worries about moving at 38 is well written as is the section on his new town and the ladies all becoming Catholics.
There are some very sad parts, and I thought the line, "I need them here on earth" was very poignant.
There is a lot of back story and i felt the pace of the piece picked up greatly once Peg, Sam and Katie McManus enter the fray, so one idea might be to weave some of the back story into the work through means of more dialogue, even if it's retrospective dialogue.
Very nice writing, backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS.

Thank you for backing.

Fall in line
It's enjoyable to read, the long pitch is good
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Fall in line
It's enjoyable to read, the long pitch is good
Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Fall in Line:
Bridget, I live in British Columbia and when I saw it in your pitch I just had to check your book out. :o)
I also know what it’s like living in a small town so I can just imaging the people wondering about the new cop and all the questions.

I hope you don't mind a couple of picky nits? I'm no editor so I won't mind if you disagree with everything. ;o)

I’m not a fan of text in brackets, but that’s just me.

Suddenly, it seemed that all of the single women in town were once again devout Catholics, or would be by the following Sunday. Haha. But could be tightened a bit?
(Suddenly, i) It seemed (that) all (of) the single women in town were once again devout Catholics, or would be by the following Sunday

Just a few other words throughout I think you could get rid of. - that, really (which you use a fair bit), and was.
…'afternoon' used twice in the opening paragraph.
…sun was reflecting off… try, - sun reflected off –
Scenery was still amazing Nick each day. The scenery still amazed Nick each day. Amazing and amaze used in second paragraph, then amazes and amazing also farther down.
(He was pretty sure h) His brother John could explain which Age, etc?

Some mixed tenses throughout but this could be intentional.

There was not a day that he saw them, - Not sure about this. There was not a day that he ‘didn’t’ see them?

I feel for Nick, he had a lot to deal with in his life. his wife’s death and father’s cancer, then the cover-up with the RCMP (but nothing new there, eh?) on the truck which caused Julie crash into the icy river.

Off to bed soon and will read more the morrow to see how Nick is coping.

All the best,

Cáit :o)

Hi Bridget,
I had time to read chapter one. I liked it and thought your early descriptions of the Purcell's and the Columbia Valley were great. Ex-cop Nick is a very late riser! His worries about moving at 38 is well written as is the section on his new town and the ladies all becoming Catholics.
There are some very sad parts, and I thought the line, "I need them here on earth" was very poignant.
There is a lot of back story and i felt the pace of the piece picked up greatly once Peg, Sam and Katie McManus enter the fray, so one idea might be to weave some of the back story into the work through means of more dialogue, even if it's retrospective dialogue.
Very nice writing, backed with pleasure,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS.

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created most memorable main characters in Nick and Sam. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Dear Bridget
I would buy it for myself for sure. well crafted, and soooo real to me...that is due to your writing skills. such talent and ability with words to create quite the animated movie in my head
CONGRATS I have to wonder on this site at the
creations that come from peoples heads and of course the immense talent of those like yourself to animate
such colorful characters. I truly wish I had half your talent.
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK
also
The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter