Book Jacket

 

rank 3412
word count 11326
date submitted 05.10.2010
date updated 05.04.2011
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Crime
classification: universal
incomplete

TakeAway

by: Bob Jones

A paramedic is coerced into delivering human organs for an illegal transplant syndicate called TAKEAWAY. His wife JAN MARSH, an ex-commando, must tear TakeAway apart.

 

A paramedic is trapped into delivering stolen body parts for an underground organ donor syndicate called TakeAway. Jan Marsh, the paramedic’s wife uses her background in special operations with the Canadian Forces in an attempt to get him out and return their lives to normal. This fast paced thriller with a fresh premise makes TakeAway hard to put down.

TakeAway is complete and in final rewrite. All comments are welcome and appreciated.

 
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tags

ambulance, border, canada, canadian forces, crime, crime story, crime syndicate, detroit, female protag, fiction, gangster, heart, human organ theft, ...

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23 comments

 

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Nigel Fields wrote 1092 days ago

Chapter 5: Roth is a very vivid character here. I feel as if you've hit your stride at this point--I feel more momentum, see it more clearly. Wow, what a scene with the gun barrel in the mouth. 'Panic stretched Rob's eyes wide.' And the last line is great. Bumped up the star rating to tops.
All that I've read so far is highly professional--polished. Sorry to have to read and comment in piecemeal fashion--it's the day job getting in the way. Well done and best wishes and thank you. Oh, and feel free to let me know when you upload more.
Cheers!
JBC

eurodan49 wrote 1095 days ago

Hi, Bob. Read a few chapters (that’s all the time I had this morning) and I did enjoy the writing and the story (so far). That said, there are a few things which would make it even stronger: pass some of the narrator voice on to characters, concentrate your POV from the MC, instead to telling things to the reader—show it, use internal dialogue on the MC—it will bring him closer to the reader. control the pace through action and dialogue. Above all, remember that a thriller DEMANDS tension on every page. Tension could be real, perceived or implied…not all has to affect the characters directly. Ex: character hears a noise, what is it? Turns out just the wind rattled the blinds. But for a moment reader feels the tension character does.
Over all I REALLY enjoyed it and I’m backing it.
Good luck.
Dan

PCreturned wrote 1096 days ago

Hi Bob,

I finally managed to get time to look at your book. Sorry it took a few days, but I've been swamped lately. :(

I'll comment as I read since I find that the easiest way to keep track. Please don't be offended by any suggestions. After all, they will just be my thoughts. You can always ignore me if you think I'm wrong or stupid. ;)

(Sorry in advance for any typos, but my keyboard’s a bit knackered :()

Chapter 1: Intriguing start. I find myself immediately wondering what Jan's up to. And it seems she's somehow been trained in surveillance techniques. Fascinating. I wonder what she suspects Shawn of. Ah it seems she worried he's messing around with another woman. No wonder she's so driven to find out what's going on.

I've 1 tiny suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more involving if you found ways to show more and tell less. eg "Jan didn't like being taken for a fool" is you telling the reader a fact. If, instead, you wrote something like "Jan grimaced. Did he think she was stupid or something? If it was another woman..." you'd be showing the reader her thoughts direct. I think such an approach could be more involving. ;)

Reading on...This is getting tense. What's he doing meeting a black Cadillac. I like the dynamic way you write, by the way. Lots of strong verbs. It makes your story quick paced and highly readable ;). Hmmm there's a new mystery. Shawn wasn't meeting a woman; he was meeting a thug in a secretive manner. Maybe Shawn's gotten himself tied up in crime somehow ;(. Ah and we see at last where Jan got her training. Army and special forces. Shawn doesn't know how lucky he is that she didn't catch him with another woman. He'd have never walked straight again!

I've a tiny suggestion here. I think, on occasion, you overdescribe a little. eg in "his beguiling smile said he had the world at his feet, but his pained eyes gave him away." I think you're telling the reader more information than they need. I think sections like this might be even more involving for the reader if you showed them the evidence and let them infer the meaning for themself. eg here I think something like "He smiled in that beguiling way he always did, but there was an unusual tightness around his eyes and his skin looked pale." would give the reader evidence he's tense about something. The reader can then infer the meaning for themself. I think it's sometimes a mistake to spoonfeed readers by telling them too much. Showing them things and letting them draw their own conclusions should actively involve them in your story more. ;)

Reading on... The interrogation’s interesting. His explanations are pretty weak. I can almost feel his nervousness. Good dialogue. We get to see Jan's tough side. She really is a force to be reckoned with, isn't she? She soon gets him on the back foot. Before he runs off, there are hints he's tied up in some sort of shady business. This doesn't sound good. :(

I've a small suggestion here. I think, where possible, it's best to lead off with dialogue as it reads quicker and easier that way. eg instead of "He jerked his shirtsleeve free. "I had business to take care of..." I'd write something like " "I had business to take care of." He jerked his shirtsleeve free...".

Reading on... No wonder Jan's pissed off. Shawn's obviously caught up in something bad. Hmmm what will Allen find when he traces the plate number? Uh oh, by the end of the chapter it looks like he's found something bad. Allen seems a tough guy. For him to say her husband's in trouble, he really must be in it deep. I'm going to have to read on and see where this goes. ;)

Chapter 2: Daniels seems like an edgy, dangerous guy. I wonder what he's waiting for. From the following conversation, sounds like he's some sort of crime boss. Uh oh he's got wind that Shawn wants out. I want to shiver. Looks like Shawn's life's now in danger. Maybe Jan's is too!

I've a little suggestion here. I think, occasionally, your writing could be even more vivid if you wrote in a more direct way. eg "Shawn took a bite of his egg salad sandwich..." feels a little roundabout+ disconnected. I think something like "Shawn ate his egg salad sandwich..." would be more direct and immediate. :)

Reading on... Buddy swaggers in and passes on Daniel's threat. No wonder Shawn's worried. I don't think Daniels is the sort to make empty threats. I was surprised Buddy's a paramedic too. I just assumed he was too unstable for that sort of job. Ah there's mention of a delivery. What are they getting for Daniels, I wonder? This is getting dark.

Aha it looks like Shawn's not a bad guy after all. He only seems to have committed whatever crime he did to help a friend. And he plainly doesn't condone the situation. If he were more mercenary, he'd just keep doing it. Suddenly, I almost sympathise with him for getting caught up in all this. I think he's making a big mistake my making an ultimatum/ saying he's out, though. Daniels will only respond in 1 way to that.

Chilling phone call from Daniels. The fake politeness is so implicitly threatening. brrrr. Eventually Daniels loses his temper, though. I'm amazed Shawn manages to turn him down flat. This guy’s got balls. Ominous phone call from Jan at the end. why's she want to meet him at the gun club?

Chapter 3: Ah at last we learn what Shawn's got mixed up in. He's illegally transporting organs. I'm shocked. I thought, as he's a paramedic, it might be drugs. This seems so much worse somehow. And it looks like he really isn't the bad guy I thought he was in the 1st chapter. He got into this to save a life. He at least did the wrong thing for the best possible reasons. Shock news that he's going to have to keep working for Daniels for now until they figure out what to do. I wonder how long he can keep doing this before he gets found out...

Oops I just saw how long this comment's getting. Sorry, I think I got caught up in your story :). I'll sum up now, and then shut up. :)

I think you have a great story here, filled with action and tension. I especially like the way you stretch out the tension by releasing information, little be little. There are great hooks at the end of each chapter, making me want to read on and find out what shocking new developments your story has in store. Will Shawn get caught for his illegal activities? Will Daniels suspect Shawn’s no longer really 1 of his people? Will they ever figure out a way to deal with Daniels once and for all?

I've rated your book as highly as possible, and hope you get noticed by an agent/publisher. I think there's a definite audience out there for your work.

Good luck :)

Pete

Bob Jones wrote 1139 days ago

Hi John,
Thank you. Honestly, I'm stymied by the rating system. My rank had gotten close to the 1000 mark then started falling for no apparent reason. Your comment is uplifting. Thanks again.

Hi Bob,
I came back and read chapters 3 & 4 today. Truly this book deserves to be rising more here. Your writing is professional. I the way that a trained athlete or opera singer can make their feats seem simple, your prose is easy to read, which is an art. You end chapters especially well. I will happily star this generously for you.
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Nigel Fields wrote 1140 days ago

Hi Bob,
I came back and read chapters 3 & 4 today. Truly this book deserves to be rising more here. Your writing is professional. In the way that a trained athlete or opera singer can make their feats seem simple, your prose is easy to read, which is an art. You end chapters especially well. I will happily star this generously for you.
Best,
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

SusieGulick wrote 1178 days ago

How totally amazing you are, Nicole!! :) Thank you so very much for again backing my memoirs/testimony book. :) May God richly bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have also gold ******-rated your book :) - could you please ****** mine, too? :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm #6 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 331 days of trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Nigel Fields wrote 1195 days ago

Wow. Excellent first chapter. I was immediately submerged in the story. Crisp, stark (nicely stark) prose. Everything rang true. Liked the good natured marital banter about the postman. Great hook at the end. Placing this on my WL with intent. Would appreciate your thoughts on my first chapter, when you can. Walk to Paradise Garden. Will get back in touch.
John Campbell

newwriter2010 wrote 1200 days ago

Excellent piece of writing and I really enjoyed the story line. I found the writing to be punchy and engaging and the characters were well constructed. I have star rated the book I hope it helps.

SusieGulick wrote 1202 days ago

You are totally fantastic, Bob!! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs/testimony book? :) God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I just looked to see if I had ******-ed your book & it is ******-rated (6 gold ******'s) :) Every ****** -ing & backing more than 24 hours moves our books up authonomy's lists. :) I want to ask you if you could please keep my book on your bookshelf because I'm 5 on the editor's desk & have to be in the top 5 to be chosen, the end of January :) - I had a mini-stroke Nov. 10 with slurred speech for an hour & numbness of tongue still & over 24 smaller ones where I couldn't speak since & I"d sure like to cross the finish line of the editor's desk after 10 months trying on authonomy. :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping me :) - I have lost 3 sisters to strokes & my last sister, Mary had 2 heart attacks this past year.

Kaimaparamban wrote 1251 days ago

This novel tells human race that no field is freed from grip of evils. You are not only depicting some lives, but giving cautions to men.

Sly80 wrote 1276 days ago

A unique and captivating premise. 'His rapid eye movement and posture made the hair on her neck prickle', 'Little girl, your husband's in trouble'. Shawn thinks he can get away with it, with Daniels, and with Jan, "Hi honey, I'm on my way home'. Honey is at the gun club. This starts out breakneck - almost breathless - with action and description packed cheek-by-jowl. It settles down a little - a nice change of pace - when they get together with Allen to discuss tactics - gives us time to weigh up the personalities. Buddy's information ups the ante to unbelievable heights - these guys are more than dangerous. 'Man, I know too much', too right. Not sure I'd want him on my team...

This is so good, Bob. A neat idea that ratchets up the situation from bad to horrendous, snappy writing as sharp as a scalpel, great cast of realistic and flawed characters - I like Jan, I think I like Allen, the jury's out on Shawn for now - all combined into an excellent thriller that starts out strong and keeps the tension coming while maintaining the professional quality ... backed without question.

Possible nits: 'like sirens of love', you could probably lose this. 'she could do it in her sleep' -> 'she could do that, no problem'?? 'after shaking the [rain]drop from her nose'. 'Shawn's [Shawn] won't like this'. 'Look ... he looked up'. 'Shawn['s] eyes cried uncertainty [wavered in/with doubt]' (don't use 'eyes' and 'cried' together). 'Jan admitted Buddy's secret enticed a meeting', could you phrase that a little more clearly? 'She'd of asked', American slang, 'She'd have asked'.

(Just a word of advice on editing your chapters on authonomy, in case you haven't already: use UPDATE to load the edited chapters. Don't use DELETE and then reload as this can cause problems.)

teremoto wrote 1280 days ago

TakeAway delvers. Characters full of spunk, fast-paced and, as the pitch promises, a fresh attention grabbing premise.

Colin Eston wrote 1281 days ago

Dear Bob

Thank you for backing Dying for Love.

Take Away has an intriguing pitch and is written in a gritty, no-nonsense style with great momentum. Very reminiscent of hard-bitten American thrillers. Backed.

Yours
Colin Eston

klouholmes wrote 1286 days ago

Hi Bob, Beginning with Jan and her confrontation with Shawn left the gaps that intrigued. How the body parts came to Shawn is indeed an investigation despite his initial involvement and guilt. There's strong focus on Jan and Shawn's scenes, the suspicion and Shawn's entrapment. Good dialogue too. Although I might have liked a little more background concerning Shawn's paramedic work at first and why he would deal with such a scam, the story keeps momentum, staying with Jan's need to rescue. Shelved - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Lockjaw Lipssealed wrote 1286 days ago

Bob,

I gotta tell ya, this reminds me of a good old fashion crime novel and I DON'T mean that in a bad way at all. Quite the opposite...this has a kind of familiarity to it. The kind of read that you can just sit back with and get caught up in.

Good read!

Lockjaw

missyfleming_22 wrote 1287 days ago

Great idea for a book! And you follow it up with your writing. The pace moves perfectly for this kind of book, it's hard to stop reading to find out what is going to happen. The beginning is good, I feel like you introduce us to the plot and characters are just the right pace. Nothing felt forced about it, either. Overall an enjoyable read!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

andrew skaife wrote 1288 days ago

Excellently establshed and written with the sort of care and craft that these books used to be.

BACKED

Andrew Burans wrote 1289 days ago

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Jan. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your thriller a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Walden Carrington wrote 1290 days ago

Bob,
TakeAway has an original storyline with the suspense of a thriller. I look forward to seeing the complete work. Backed with enthusiasm.

Eveleen wrote 1290 days ago

Take away
Interesting pitch and the dialogue is good
backed
Eveleen
(Turning a bnew leaf)

SusieGulick wrote 1291 days ago

Dear Bob, I love the intrigue in your kill-for-body-parts story :) - Jan is well-learned, but I'm still scared for her, especially that she's not calling Allen about going to the party. :) I read your pitch & all 6 chapters & want to know what will happen, now? :) If I write in my mind, it will be that they all lived happily ever after, except the bad guys, of course. :) Crisp dialogue & paragraphs, along with the suspense kept me reading. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take just a minute to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

Benjamin Dancer wrote 1291 days ago

This was a great opening. I got to the gun club and loved the stereotype breaking your story does. The details are vivid and specific. The hook for me is Jan, the ex-commando. My hope as I read more of it is to find out she's a gun nut and lethal.

SusieGulick wrote 1291 days ago

:) comment to follow - read & backed shortly thereafter :)

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